The warnings: this story will contain spanking of an adult, BSDM theme, polyamourous relationship between three people.

No copyright is intended.

Enjoy

K xx

Olivia's POV

"Livy! Livy, Olivia, O!"

Aiden steps towards me, caging me against the door with his hands. The doorknob I pressing into the small of my back; Aiden's warm breath is hitting my cheek. I'm pressing my hand on my chest and his face is getting closer to mine…

With a start I wake. The room is still, snoring comes from my left, a bed spring squeaks as someone turns over; then silence rains again. I press my eyes closed for the third time in the last few hours, trying desperately to sink into a dreamless sleep.

Yet the minute my eyes close and my body begins to relax, I feel it. The smell of vodka comes to me and a warm breath brushes over my cheek. I jump, sitting up quickly, eyes darting around. Capp shifts in his bed yet no-one is near me, leaning over me or otherwise. Coffee, I decide – that was what was going to get me through the rest of this shift. Sleep was going to have to wait until I got home – the bottle of sleeping pills on my bedside table comes to mind. I nod to myself – that seemed like a better idea. I pause as I pass the Lieutenant's Quarters, watching as the light filtering in through the windows, illuminates Kelly's face for a minute – it was so relaxed, so unlike the last time we had been face to face.

"Care to explain that text- actually don't bother. The text is pretty self-explanatory. How about when you were going to tell us that you kissed Aiden last night"

Kelly's keys hit the table in the hallway, skittering across it, falling off the other side to the floor with a bang. His bag is chucked inside of the bedroom door as he turns. I'm cornered in the hallway – Matt in front of me still taking off his boots, Kelly behind pressing the front door closed.

"Come on! When were we gonna find out?!"

Kelly's voice becomes louder, echoing around the small hallway. His muscles bulge as he gestures wildly to accompany his yelling. Jaw locked, feet shoulder width apart and his eyebrows pulling together in rage, his fury is palpable. His soft, blue eyes that usually hold so much warmth and light have turned to hard, cold flints in his face, causing me to cower away from his gaze, resting my gaze instead at the floor.

A cold shift of air pulls me out of my memory and back to the present. Pulling my hoodie further around me I force myself to walk away and into the kitchen.

The scalding hot coffee burns my throat as I swallow, but it doesn't seem to really register. I move to the sofa, tucking the cup to my breastbone, I pull my feet underneath me, curling into a ball, letting my back rest against the arm of the sofa as my mind drifts again.

The key code for my old apartment block was still the same after all of these months, the light in the stairwell still flickered and the door to my apartment still squeaked loudly. I push the door shut and lean my head against the wood, trying to stop the tears from streaming down my face again – I had cried so much today that I wasn't sure that there was anything left in me to cry yet as I turned to survey my old apartment, they ran down my face to plop to the lino floor beneath my feet.

I hadn't been back here since I had moved in with Matt and Kelly almost a year ago. With their apartment furnished, all of my furniture had stayed here – I had said that I was going to sell this place – yet something had always held me back. Today I was glad that this place was still mine. I flick the light switch and curse – no electricity. Great! I had shut off all of the services when I had moved out.

"What do you want? Who do you want Olivia? You need to figure it out!"

Kelly's words echoed in my ears as I survey what is left of my old apartment, my old life. I had had no words then for either of them and even now – an hour later still no words came. I didn't know any more.

Then Matt's even crueller words seemed to hover,

"Maybe we should just take a break for a bit, from us. Just until you know."

Anger welled up at those words, words that had gone around and round in my head for the past hour. All of my rage exploded and I slam my hand against the wall, again and again and again, not sure if I'm trying to damage the wall, Aiden or myself in the process. Pain ricochets through my knuckles and down my arm until I can no longer keep hitting and, cradling my arm, I slide down the wall to curl on the ground. I wait for the tears to start to run down my face again yet this time none come. Maybe I had cried all of them out, I just felt hollow, empty and useless as I slid to lay my cheek on the floor, letting the cold seep into my cheek and shoulder.

Matt's POV

The bell echoes around the house in a shrill scream.

"Truck 81, Squad 3, Ambulance 61, motor vehicle accident, 951 West Brom"

I force my body of the bed and try to shake the sleep out of my head and focus my brain. I join the crowd of half-awake people as we head for the trucks. Heading through the corridor and out on to the apparatus floor, I turn slightly and see her. Liv is curled in a ball on the sofa in the mess room. Staring into space, she shows no signs of moving at all. A growl of irritation come from my throat as I switch courses and head towards her – this is not the first time these past few shifts that she has been totally out of it and not heard the bells.

"Rhodes!"

I snap at her from the mess room doorway, yet she doesn't stir from her position. Coffee cup still curled in her hard, eyes focused, unseeing, on the wall in front of her. I step closer, talk louder,

"RHODES!"

Liv jumps hard. Coffee sloshes over the side of her mug and down her hand and trousers. Her eyes dart to mine and it's then that I see the flash of fear and sadness. I pause trying to decipher the same yet then the wall closes back down again. Shutting me out again for the millionth time.

"Bell went ages ago - Truck NOW!"

Without another word I turn and move towards the truck. I hear the bang as the coffee cup is set on the table and hurried footsteps jogging behind me out on the to apparatus floor. My eyes catch Hermann's as I swing up and into the truck's passenger seat. He raises an eyebrow with a look that says Rhodes is late again, a look that says her head isn't in the game, a look that says you need to do something about this before someone gets hurt. I nod slightly at him – acknowledging it all at once.

It is only when the truck is moving that I turn over Oliva's appearance in my head. It had been a while since I had seen Olivia up close – she had taken to avoiding me and Kelly as much as humanly possible when you work 24 hour shifts together. Dark circles ringed her bloodshot eyes, she had taken to wearing a CFD hoodie that looked at least two sizes too big for her and she seemed gaunter than she used to. I turned to join in the banter in the back and Olivia again caught my eye. Huddled in the corner of the truck, her head was turned to look out of the window and again that misty no-really-seeing glaze was over her eyes. She didn't attempt to join in the conversation like she once would have, settling for curled into the window of the truck. Turning back to watch the streets flash past my mind wanders;

"Do you love him?"

"I love both of you"

"That's not what I asked! Do you love Aiden?"

It's that one question that echoes through the apartment, killing of the yelling from Kelly and the deadly silence from Liv. The whole place stands still for a second, Liv shifts from foot to foot, eyes darting everywhere but at us. I take a step forward from where I have been standing for the past 30 minutes of this argument; between an angry Kelly and a silent Liv. I move to block her view of Kel, standing in arms' length of her now. Her eyes move to my face and I see anguish, then nothing. She pulls a wall down between her feelings and me; blocking me out. I reach an arm out to her, trying to comfort myself more than her. After all we have been through, this wasn't how I wanted the relationship to end.

"I…I.."

The broken sentence pierces my heart as I move backwards again, resuming my place by the couch. I dart a glance at Kelly and see tears welling in his eyes.

"Maybe we should take a break from us, just for a bit. Just until you know."

The words, meant to try and defuse the situation, caused a small cry to emit from Liv – the first sound she had made since we had come home. With that, she moves. Stumbling across the apartment and down the hall.

"LIV!"

Kelly is the first to move as I call out. He darts around the couch and runs towards the hallway. He is barely in the hallway at all when the door bangs shut. She doesn't have a bag or a coat, I run numbly after Kelly as he rips open the apartment door to try and catch up to her. Our footfalls echo loudly around the stairwell as we run. I catch up with Kelly as he hits the sidewalk outside.

The snow seeped into the bottom of my socks as we stand on the sidewalk, our stares fixed on the gap on the opposite sidewalk; the gap that had held Liv's car just half an hour ago.

I pulled my attention away from my memory as we reached the accident site, turning instead to the scene unfolding in front of us.

Olivia's POV

"Time to go to work"

Hermann's voice startled me awake from my half-asleep daze that I was in. I follow him out of the truck, stumbling slightly on the bottom step, nearly knocking into him. I feel hands on my arms steading me, but I didn't turn to thank him anymore. I knew what I would see – contempt at my inability to even go down some steps. Hermann's patience for me had run out well over a week ago and he was no longer trying to hide his feelings on my inability to keep my focus. It wasn't like I wasn't trying – I was. I tried to keep my focus on what was happening, keep up with everyone else, yet my body seemed to do the opposite. Even now, I was still by the truck as everyone else was already heading towards the wrecked car lying on its roof in the middle of the street. Shaking my head, I jog to catch up with the back of the group, by the time I get there Kelly is already crouched down trying to talk to the man pinned in the driver's seat,

"Stephen, can you move your legs at all?"

"No, there's trapped. My wife, Caroline – is she okay?"

Severide flicks a look back to Casey, the look says it all – they need to move and they need to move now.

"Hang tight okay, we're gonna get you both out. Just try and stay very still."

Severide stands and moves backs towards us and out of the earshot of the man,

"Gas tank is punctured and leaking into the main cab, we're gonna have to get him out quick before the car goes up. Wife's unconscious, bad gash to the side of her head and he is pinned in pretty bad by the steering column."

"Okay – Squad, get the driver out, Truck, control that fire at the back of the car and try to get the passenger."

If the Chief's orders were fast, then the Lieutenants were quicker, rolling out of their mouths like gunfire.

"Otis, Dawson get the extinguishers – try and control the fire at the back of the car as much as possible. We can't let that fire get to the gas pooling in the main cab. Hermann, Mouch get cribbing around the front sides of the car to stabilise it, Rhodes, the jaws. You and me are gonna get the passenger out."

"Cruz, you, me and Capp are gonna get the driver out of the car. Capp, get the Joist so we can get that steering column off of the driver's legs. Tony – assist Casey and Rhodes. Cruz, let's that driver's side door open!"

Severide and Cruz moved to the other side of the car and the sound of the halagan hitting the side of the car echoes around the quiet street. I turn towards the truck and sigh internally as the rest of Truck are already 5 feet in front of me. As I reach the truck and pull open one of the compartments to grab the jaws, Hermann's voice abruptly stops talking and see him in my peripheral vision move away from Casey to grab some cribbing with Mouch. The implication isn't lost – he was talking about me, actually more likely moaning about me to Casey again. I push down the wave of rage and duck my head, pretending I hadn't noticed.

I stare at the compartment I had just opened – the jaws weren't in there. I try and rack my brain for where they would have been moved to yet my memories remained fuzzy, nothing stood out as to where we would have moved them last time we had cleaned the truck.

"Compartment at the end – we moved them last week."

Dawson's words were whispered to me as she grabbed one of the fire extinguishers out and turned to move backwards to the scene. I smile at her, muttering a thanks before moving to grab the jaws.

"RHODES – hurry up"

I grab the jaws and turn to run back towards the scene. He snatches the jaws off of me and steps in front of me to shove them into the dented door jam. I step back and off to the side out of his way. With a groan, the door gives.

Kelly POV

"Strike. Strike. Strike."

With a sharp tug and a loud bang, the door in front of me and Cruz gives way. I turn, searching for Capp and the joist so that we could try and extricate the driver, when my gaze lands on Olivia. She was hovering by one of the compartments of the Truck, just staring at the contents, unmoving. I had warned myself off of watching her since the argument, trying to keep our distance, give her time to think. She seemed so…fragile all of a sudden – breakable; like the next strong gust of wind would blow her over.

"Lieutenant?"

Capp's voice penetrated my thoughts and I shake myself. Work! Work needed to be done – musings about Olivia could wait until later.

Just as we manage to get the joist under the steering column, I hear Casey yelling. I spare a glance upwards in time to see Casey wrench the jaws from Olivia and step in front of her. It's then that I see the hurt that flashes over her face before she hardens her features and steps back to hover, waiting for something to do. I move to grab the driver and it's then that I see the look exchanged between Hermann and Mouch at the front of the car. It turns my stomach slightly.

As the two ambulances rush away from the scene and the gear is packed back in the trucks, I swing back into the passenger seat of the Squad truck. Turning to check that the doors were shut, I catch a glimpse of Truck 81 as it pulls past. The flash of a white face, eyes closed, hand pressed to her temple is haunting as the truck picks up speed to return to the house.

Olivia POV

My alarm clock buzzes for the 10th time in the last hour. I roll over and look at the time. With a sigh I flop backwards on the bed, groaning. I have about 20 minutes before shift starts – I should have left 10 minutes ago yet I am still not dressed or anywhere near my car. A heaviness has settled over my body, my limbs refuse to move and sleep tugs at my eyelids. I go to move, grabbing my phone off of the side table and then stop. The images dance in front of my eyes – Casey's mad face last call; the side of Kelly's face as he refuses to even look at me; the Chief's resigned face as he asks again if everything is alright even though he knows it's not; Brett's inability to look me in the eye but most of all; Hermann's disapproving and irate face.

Last shift had gone so slowly – with my inability to sleep and the house suddenly feeling so much less friendly than it had before, my willingness to hustle and get to shift this morning had waned in the past two days off to non-existent.

"Useless… Nothing…Unable to do simple tasks… they hate you…"

That little voice in the back of my head chanted. I press my eyes closed for a minute and another voice joined in.

"Livy, Livy…" Aiden's voice chanted too. I pressed both hands to my forehead in frustration. Anger surge until I grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills off of my dresser, popped two and crawled back under my duvet again.

Messages caused my phone to light up, again and again; then the trill of my house phone also joined in the party. Yet, wrapped in my duvet, dead to the world on pills I didn't hear them. For once the world was quiet to me – blissful darkness took me away from the hell that I had been living for the past few weeks. I only wished that the darkness could be permeant now.

Matt's POV

I check my phone for the 10th time in the last 10 minutes – still no reply. My message is sitting on my phone blinking away. Roll call drags on and still no sign of Olivia anywhere. She knew she was on shift today – where is she?

I quietly slip out into the hall and press the call button. The dialling tone beeps on and on and on until with a click I hear her voice.

"Liv?"

My heart sinks as her voicemail message starts up

"Hello, Olivia speaking… Just kidding it's my voicemail. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you."

I swear under my breath, tell her to call me when she gets the message and disconnect the call. Entering the roll call again, I feel Kelly settle on the wall next to me.

"Voicemail again."

I mutter to him before turning my attention back to the Chief. He dismisses us and we drift off into the dining room in search of coffee. Talking immediately starts and the hot topic for today was where Olivia was? I see Hermann out of the corner of my eye rolling his eyes at Liv's absence.

I raise an eyebrow at Kelly and he nods slightly before pulling his mobile out of his pocket and drifts out towards the control room, dialling as he walks.

Two minutes he re-enters, catching my eye and shaking his head as well. He's had no luck either. Worry is starting to turn my stomach as time ticks on and no word had come.

It takes another ten minutes before Connie called me and Severide to the Chief's office. The door shuts behind us and we turn to the Chief.

"Do we have any word from Rhodes at all?"

I flash a look at Severide before speaking,

"None so far… I'm sure that there is a good excuse."

"We've both left a few messages. No answer yet."

Boden leans backwards staring at us before spreading his hands,

"There better be. I have put in for a relief man on Truck. He'll be here in the next hour or so but until them we are one man short."

I nod before moving, pulling open the office door and just walking away. I don't hear whether Kelly is behind me or what is said after. I brush off Mouch and Hermann as I pass the dining room with a shake of my head before I push in to my quarters and sink down on to my bed, pressing my head into my hands.

Kelly POV

Matt is moving like a zombie as he almost runs away from the Chief's office. I follow at a more sedate pace. I push into Matt's quarters and sink down on the bed beside him.

I compulsively check my phone again yet still nothing. The messages sit, staring back at me, delivered but not seen. I push down the fear – her phone battery was probably dead and she was on her way now. I turn to look at Matt and see the same fear reflected in his eyes. Just because we had taken a break didn't mean that the feelings had been turned off just like that – our protective streak and love for Liv hadn't decreased over the time apart. I glance back at my phone and my mind wanders…

Seen

That little word had taunted me for days – every message sent had been delivered, seen and then ignored. After Liv had left the apartment, we had called, texted, gone around and even posted a letter. Yet she continued to shut us out. Calls and texts were ignored, we had knocked until our hands had bleed and had talked to the door until her neighbour had come out and threatened to call the police on us. It had been two days and we had looked forward to shift in the attempt that we would see Liv and at least be able to talk to her.

She had appeared on shift just as roll call had started and had managed to avoid both of us for half of the shift/ However, she had been unable to avoid us forever. I had managed to grab her as she had come off of the apparatus floor and pulled her aside.

"Are you okay? We have been trying to get hold of you…"

She turned, yanking her arm out of my grip and her gaze was hard as she interrupted me,

"This is what you wanted. I'm not talking about this. I have to get back to shift Lieutenant."

With that, she was out of the door leaving me alone.

"Let her have some space. She'll come around."

Matt is preoccupied with Reports as I lay on his bed moaning at him, I could tell that he was placating me at best. I grab the pillow from behind my head and chuck it at the back of his, laughing. He laughs too before putting his pen down and turns.

Suddenly it strikes me – we're in the same position as we were around a year ago discussing Olivia and BDSM. My laughter dies in my throat and I see the happiness drain out of Matt too. Matt glanced at the bunk room before moving to the bed. I sit up as Casey wraps an arm around me, pulling me into a hug…

A kiss is pressed on the side of my neck and jogs me out of my memory and back into the moment. Pushing the phone back into my pocket, I turn to Casey and see the worry reflected in his eyes.

"It's gonna be fine. There's gotta be a good explanation. She wouldn't just blow off shift – she loves this job."

I'm not sure if I'm trying to convince Matt or myself in the end.

Olivia's POV

I wake up groggy – struggling to pry my eyes open and struggling even more to drag my body out of bed. I drag myself into the kitchen and, grabbing a cup of coffee, sit at the table. I felt drained, each breath feeling like an effort – an exhausting effort that I really didn't want to continue with. As tears filled my eyes, I thought about reaching out to someone, anyone. Yet as names filled my head, each was dismissed, their faces contorting in disgust in my imagination at me. I was hopeless; unable to even manage to do my job properly – if the ever-patient Hermann had given up on me, then everyone else would have done a long time ago. All of this was my fault, I had let Aiden in, trusted him and broken up my relationship.

I drifted into the bedroom again. Desperately seeking anything that was going to help this aching empty feeling that had returned to my body like an addict to alcohol. It was then that I spotted the bottle of sleeping pills on the side. Picking them up I unscrewed the lid and looked inside – it was half full. I sank down on to the bed and tipped– 25 or so of white pills filled my hand. One movement, that was all it would take. On movement and all of this would be over. All of the hurt, all of the feelings, all of the thoughts. The house would be happier – they would get someone assigned that would be able to do the job better than me.

Just as I raise my hand to my mouth, Chief Boden's voice filled the apartment. I jerk slightly and the pills roll out of my palm and on to the floor and bed. I don't move to pick them up.

"This is a message for Olivia Rhodes – it is Chief Boden. I am sure that you are aware that you should have been on shift today. If you had a problem with the shift you should have called me or CFD to change shifts. You left us a man down and that is unacceptable behaviour. Whatever is going on in your life – it should NEVER affect your work! If you are not in next shift, I have no choice but to pink slip you and report you. I look forward to seeing you next shift Olivia."

As the apartment falls silent, I look down at the pills scattered across the floor and the bottle on the side. Tears fall down my cheeks, dripping off of my chin and on to my knees as my arms wrap around my middle. I had worked too hard to lose my badge – blood, sweat and tears had gone into getting it and it had been the best achievement of my life. To give it in now would break me. I pulled open my bedside draw and pulled out the badge. Holding it in my hand I felt a strength flow through me. Clenching my hand, I felt the edges of the badge cut into my palm. I was strong. I had fought all the way through the Academy; I had fought to get that badge; I had fought to get to Firehouse 51; I had fought Depression once and I was going to fight this again. One thing that I knew from last time – you had to slay your demons. This demon had the face of Aiden and he was going down.

With that thought I was moving. Jeans and a tank top were shoved on, keys grabbed and I was moving with purpose and speed for the first time in the last month. I hail a cab and as it drives away from the curb I start to let pieces of THAT night start to filter in.

Aiden's mouth on mine, the doorknob pushing into my back, the feeling of his shirt as I tried to push him away. But the thing that came back the most was the fear – fear as his hand kept me pined against the door; as he loomed over me, shadows blacking out his face.

I stepped out of the cab, took a breath, walked through the doors and walked up to the desk. I was shaking in fear but it was my badge clenched in my fist that caused the words to come out of my mouth finally,

"I'd like to report a rape please"