In loving memory of my Dr. Ben Horowitz,
may he rest in peace
"So, Miss Wood, how did you get yourself in this predicament?"
"I beg your pardon?!"
"As you can imagine, I am familiar with the basics. But if you want my advice, I need to know more about you and your situation. No judgment here but I'm wondering. You are a mature woman, not a teenage girl. If you didn't want this to happen, how come you weren't more careful?"
And that was a very good question indeed…
…
She had been too excited about finally coming back to life. She had never even stopped to think that she may be creating another life for which she would be fully responsible.
He already had two kids by his ex-wife. He may not want another by a woman he barely knew.
In her mind, she could see and hear his eyes grow cold and his voice become harsh as he told her he wanted no part of it.
Even if, by some chance, he didn't want her baby but still wanted her, she was not sure she'd ever want him. Once you knew something like that about a man, you couldn't look past it.
But what if… what if he was happy to hear it? What if his face lit up, his eyes glowed with joy? Then there would be no going back. She would be locked into one course of action. She would never have the heart to take that away from both of them.
…
"I take it you are not married." Dr. Horowitz raised a hand placatingly. "Again, not judging. I am just trying to help you as best I can. Please forgive me if my questions are impertinent."
"No, Doctor, you are right. Please ask anything you want."
"Is the father in the picture?"
"He doesn't know. I have no idea how he may react."
"Do you have reason to believe he may choose to walk away?"
"We've just started… dating. I don't know him well enough to tell."
"Let's consider all options. Should you decide to go through with it alone, are you going to be in financial straits?"
"Oh no. I'd have no trouble supporting myself and the baby."
"That's great! A lot of women find themselves in a desperate position."
"Not in my case, thank God. But it's not all about money…"
"Of course not, but it's good to know money won't be an issue. I have to ask again: How did this happen? I mean, which method had you been using? I assume you had a method which failed you. That happens more often than you'd think."
"I was on the pill for years. And then – " she squeezed her eyes shut, drew a deep breath and plunged into it. "Then… my partner died. I was sick for a long time. I guess I had been so used to not having to worry about it… and it had been so long since I last needed to – " She raised her eyes to Dr. Horowitz's, enormous dark eyes so full of pain and desperation that he almost looked away. "Doctor, this man and I… we don't even know each other that well yet. This is way too early for both of us. It only… only happened once. Just that once."
"That's all it takes. Miss Wood, carrying a baby to term is just the beginning. You need to be able to take care of the baby. Right now you need to take care of yourself first. Think it through very carefully and come back to see me. But don't think for too long."
…
As usual, the only person she could turn to was her sister Jenny. The sarcastic, wisecracking, bluntly wise Jenny who could always be counted on for tough love. Who might just help her see the light.
The words "I'm pregnant" sounded as bizarre coming out of her own mouth as if they were spoken in some alien language.
"Wow! I don't know what to say, Jannie."
"You don't know what to say? You? Since when? When for once I need you to say something?"
"Since… I don't know if this is good news or bad news. Is this what you wanted?"
"Of course not! I am not in a relationship. Technically, we are not even dating. We are still in the friend zone. It just happened somehow… just once."
"That's all it takes."
"As everybody's been telling me."
"Jannie, how could you be so careless? What were you thinking?"
"Oh great! That's exactly what I need right now – flack from you! Can't you tell I feel terrible enough as it is? Read the fucking room!"
There was a pause as Jenny waited for her anger to spend itself. Then:
"You're right, and I am sorry. There's no point talking about that. Now please don't yell and listen to me. Jannie, you are not alone. We are still here, remember? You can always come home. Mom and dad will help you. I will help you as much as I can – "
"Are you crazy? Come home to mom and dad unmarried and knocked up, like a floozy? Won't they be thrilled! I'd die of shame."
"You are not a teenager. Twenty years ago, they wouldn't have been happy. But now… What do all parents of adult kids want most and what neither of us has given them so far? As long as there's a chance of a grandkid, they won't care that much about formalities."
"Fucking Jack."
"What was that?"
"He just had to go and die on me. None of this would've happened."
"Jannie – "
"I don't even know this man! He is a stranger to me! Even if he stands by me, how can I go and have kids with a stranger?"
"Jannie… Perhaps you don't need the guy even if you want the kid."
"And be a single mother? An unwed mother?"
"Many women in your position are concerned that they won't be able to support themselves and the baby, to keep a roof over their heads… You don't have to worry about that."
"Okay. One worry less."
"You know you can hire a staff of domestic help, nannies, housekeepers, get the best care… You can give this kid everything money can buy, unlike lots of other parents, even married."
"D'you happen to know where I can buy this kid a father?"
"No. But I do know this kid's gonna have a wonderful, doting mother. And that's a lot. And an aunt and a set of grandparents might be of some use, too. You are going to be a great mother, Jannie. Even if you can't see it right now because you're panicking."
There was a pause and ragged breathing.
"Please don't cry. I don't have to tell you I am in your corner no matter what. Whatever you decide, I am there for you."
Just before they hung up, Jenny said something she had not heard her say in at least twenty years, if ever:
"Love you, big sis."
…
And once again, following sage advice was easier said than done.
She had once taken for granted that she and Jack were going to have kids. She knew for a fact that he loved kids and was great with them.
She would be embarrassed to admit to anyone that she wasn't comfortable around kids and that the idea of someday having her own was scary. But she assumed that it was going to happen anyway, and then everything would just fall into place. Sometime down the road, if not this year, then the next, or a couple of years later, but it would definitely happen. Someday, they were going to get married and be a regular, real family. Not just two people sharing an apartment and a bed and each going about their respective business, but husband and wife, parents, eventually grandparents – a family.
Once Jack was gone, that idyllic vision was shattered. She couldn't simply replace his image in this picture by another man's and leave the rest of it unchanged.
…
"I am going to the cemetery this Sunday."
"Do you want me to come?"
She shook her head so vigorously that her shoulder-length hair fanned out around her head like a dark halo.
"Let me rephrase that. May I come?"
"That's sweet." She patted his hand. "Perhaps someday. Just not this time."
…
During her stay with Chrissy in Fresno, she had found comfort in her many conversations with Chrissy's father, Reverend Snow. One afternoon she asked him the question which had been troubling her most.
"Reverend, I am still trying to make sense of what happened. I've been wondering if it could've been… well, punishment? Divine retribution?"
"For what?"
"Oh well, you know… living in sin. Do you think we might've brought it upon ourselves? That maybe everything would've been different if we had been married?"
The reverend looked at her with his kindly and wise smile.
"Janet, we've known each other for many years. Did I ever strike you as the fire-and-brimstone kind of preacher?"
"Well, no, but I'm sure this isn't something that you condone. I remember that one time when you came down on us pretty hard…"
"You mean, when I wanted to take Chrissy back home with me, and you and Jack pretended to be married? Yes, I did give you guys a hard time. But I was just messing with you. I could tell a mile off that all three of you, including my Chrissy, were lying through your teeth. So I thought I'd call your bluff and see how you were going to get yourselves out of it."
"Why, Reverend!" She pretended to be shocked and almost gave his hand a flirtatious slap, before reality came crashing back down.
"You guys were lying quite a lot back then," continued Snow. "Normally I don't condone lying any more than living in sin. But I could see how much the three of you cared for one another and how hard you had to work to protect your innocent arrangement from every dirty mind in the universe. So I put all that down as white lies and hoped that the Lord may see it the same way. And also, lying or not, I could tell even back then that you and Jack would work as a couple."
"Everybody seemed to see it but for the two of us. When I think of all the years we wasted – "
"There's no getting those years back and no point ruminating over it. I can't say I was too happy about it when you and Jack did move in together without getting married. But you two were the best friends my daughter had ever had, and I happen to love my daughter. I came to accept it over time."
"So you don't think it was God's way of punishing us both?"
"Janet, I'm sure you've heard the saying "God moves in mysterious ways."
"Yes. I think everyone has."
"And everyone attributes their own meaning to it. What it means to me is that, although we may sometimes think we can see the reasons behind God's acts and can guess His plans and motivations, it's not for us to know them. The cause-and-effect relationship between our actions and our fates is not that simple or that straightforward. It wouldn't do you or anyone else any good if you kept killing yourself with guilt. It won't bring Jack back or help you heal. You need to focus on the future and think very carefully about how to proceed moving forward."
"Thank you so, so much, Reverend. But right now I feel broken into a thousand pieces. I can't even imagine ever moving forward from here."
"Tell me, Janet, have you ever tried finding solace in prayer?"
"Prayer! I don't even know any prayers. I wasn't raised in any particular religion. Both my parents come from a Catholic background, but their families lapsed once they moved here from Europe."
"It's never too late. You may want to consider going to church once in a while. I can guarantee it won't make it worse, and there's a good chance it may make it better."
"I don't know… I might do that at some point. But right now the very idea feels so strange."
"At the very least, try praying. If you don't know any official prayers, use your own words. Pour your heart into it. The Lord will still hear you, and so will Jack."
She still hadn't stepped inside a church, but she'd spent hours and hours praying. Especially here, on Jack's grave. She didn't even know if that counted as prayer since she addressed Jack more often than God. But, just as Reverend Snow had suggested, she poured her heart into it as best she could.
…
She threw her black leather jacket on the ground and knelt on it. Usually she spoke gently, tearfully, telling Jack how much she loved him and missed him and giving him an update of all that had happened since her last visit. But now, as soon as she opened her mouth, words poured out like molten lava out of a volcano's crater, with a fury she had not believed she was capable of.
"What do you have to say for yourself, Jack Tripper?" she wailed. "How could you leave me here? This is not how it was supposed to go down! It was supposed to be you and me all along the way! You and me forever! And this – this – it was supposed to be you and me, not me and some other guy! What shall I do now? What do you want me to do? Jack, please! Please give me a sign! All I ask for is a fucking sign!"
A cemetery caretaker working a few rows away looked up in alarm. He had seen and heard it all – the many ways grief made people talk and act. It was never a pretty sight. But even he stared at the kneeling young woman with concern. The way she was carrying on, she sounded outright demented. From time to time he thought he could make out a few coherent words. But for the most part, it all blended together in a feral, heart-rending howl.
He waited till she fell silent and walked over to her.
"You okay, ma'am?"
She jumped and stared up at him.
"Yes, yes, thank you… Sorry for the disturbance."
"You are not disturbing anyone. As long as you're okay."
He turned to go. She called after him:
"Sir? What's your name, please?"
"My name? John. Why?"
He thought he saw a hint of a happy smile on her tear-flooded face.
"John… Thank you, sir. Thank you so much."
…
A few days later, she was again sitting across the desk from Dr. Horowitz.
"So?" he asked. "Do I schedule surgery for you?"
"No. No, Doctor, no surgery. Please tell me, when do I have to come in for a check-up?"
…
And then it all ended the way it ends so often for so many women. A searing pain in the middle of the night, a river of blood, a frantic phone call…
When it was over and she was back in her bedroom, she lay curled up under the eiderdown duvet in one corner of the bed, so tiny she barely took up any place at all. She didn't have any energy left for crying, but tears just kept streaming down her cheeks. She had thought she had used up all her tears during the past year, but they kept coming and coming.
…
"Doctor, please, why did it happen? Was it my fault? Was it because I am too old? Or because I've been sick? Or because I wasn't sure at first if I wanted it?"
"You have to understand one thing, Miss Wood. This can happen to absolutely any woman, teenager or premenopausal, healthy or sick, planned pregnancy or unwanted. And there's no telling why. Please stop beating yourself up. As for your age, it may be a bit later than usual for a first pregnancy, but other than that, you are definitely not too old."
"Not getting any younger, either."
"Tragic as this is, I understand from what you told me that it might not have been the best timing anyway. If, say, in a few months or a year from now, you are feeling more secure in your relationship and are better prepared for this, I see no reason why you shouldn't have a healthy baby."
…
"Jenny, have you talked to your sister recently? Is she okay?"
"Yes, Mom, she's fine. Why?"
"She sounded strange on the phone just now. Sick or upset. I can't put my finger on it but I feel it in my bones something's very wrong."
"Did she tell you there was something wrong? If not, then there's nothing wrong."
"You know, Jenny, this isn't the first time that I sense there's something bad going on. You know what I am talking about, right? I could swear at the time that you knew all about it. But the pair of you… you thought you were so clever. Once you closed ranks, you wouldn't let anyone in, not even your father or me. Okay, that's water under the bridge. But I need to know what's happening now, and you are going to tell me."
"Okay, Mom, okay… She'll kill me."
"And if you know my baby's in some kind of trouble and won't tell me, I will kill you!"
"Mom, relax."
"Don't tell me to relax! I need to know what's going on!"
"Okay... Just don't freak out and please don't tell Dad. She had a miscarriage."
"What?! My goodness! She was pregnant? How did that happen?"
"The usual way. I'm sure you are familiar with the process."
"Don't you dare sass me, Jennifer! I don't care if you are a big shot. I am still your mother."
"Sorry, Mom…"
"Who is the guy? Where did she meet him? Do you know anything about him?"
"They dated briefly many years ago, before she got with Jack. And then they ran into each other not so long ago."
"Dear me! They dated ages ago, and now runs into her and wants to go out with her again? Is he obsessed with her?"
"No. He's not some weirdo, if that's what you are thinking. He's been married, divorced, has two kids – "
"Divorced? Kids? Oh no, that's not a good sign."
"Oh for goodness's sake, Mom. Who cares about that? Jannie's not marrying him."
"Then she should've thought twice before hopping into bed with him."
"I don't believe this!" Jenny glared at Mrs. Wood. "You are judging her? You, her own mother? After all she's been through this past year? How about some empathy? Do you even realize how lonely she is?"
"Simmer down, Jenny."
"She'd been so wrapped up in Jack and work all those years that she forgot she also had friends. Now everyone has moved on, one way or another, and she's all alone and… and not handling it well. She's not me. Can you blame her if she needed companionship, a human connection – "
"You don't get pregnant from a human connection."
"– and discovered in the process that she was not as dead as she thought? And forgot how birth control worked," finished Jenny under her breath.
Mrs. Wood sighed and was silent for a while, staring out the window. Then she turned to her daughter:
"Just tell me one thing. If she hadn't miscarried… what would she… how…"
Jenny looked her mother straight in the eyes.
"She wanted it".
"My poor little girl," murmured Mrs. Wood.
.
November 1, 2020