Hi, Mulderette here. Jess and I would like to wish all of you a happy 2020. As always, we appreciate our readers and thank you very much for your comments. We've hit a few snags lately which has resulted in this chapter coming later than we had hoped. I had a complication with my surgery which resulted in another surgery and short hospital stay. Jess has been sick with a bad throat/tonsil infection and now is back in classes which makes writing a bit more difficult. We're both really onboard with this story though and will do the very best we can to update weekly. Hope you enjoy the chapter :)
xxxxx
After a bit more friendly chatter and a few additional S'mores, Sam got to his feet. "It's getting late. We probably should get some shut eye."
The other three men nodded eagerly and stood up also as Sam doused the campfire. They then gathered up their gear and traipsed into the cabin.
They moved inside and Sam flicked on his flashlight, finding a kerosene lamp which cast a soft glow over the room. "This isn't bad at all," Deeks said, happy to be sleeping surrounded by four walls and a roof.
There was a table with four wooden chairs, an old-fashioned stove and a fireplace in the main room. They walked into the bedroom where two cots were next to each other on one side of the room and another cot was set on the other side. Callen immediately went to the lone cot and sat down, making it clear that he was claiming it for himself.
"Okay then," Deeks said with a grin. "Sam? Are you sure you don't want to take turns with the cots?"
"You serious?" Sam asked, grinning and shaking his head. "No way in hell am I sleeping on one of those. You little fellows can have them."
"Little fellows? We're not elves, Sam," Callen said. "You're the big and powerful Father Nature. We're just mere normal-sized mortals."
Sam ignored his partner but had to hold back a smile.
"Which cot would you like, Deeks?" Eric asked, more than willing to be fair.
Deeks shrugged. "I guess if you don't care, I'll take the one by the window."
"I don't care at all," Eric agreed.
"I'm going to sleep out in the main room," Sam said. "I guess you guys have noticed there's no running water in here or a bathroom. There's an outhouse right behind the cabin and a lakee back there as well. We can take a look at it tomorrow in the daylight and refill our canteens. I also think we should gather some wood for the fireplace. Will you be warm enough in here tonight?"
"We're fine, Sam," Callen reassured. He was already unrolling his sleeping bag and putting it on the cot.
"I'm good too," Deeks added, while Eric nodded his assent.
"Okay then, see you guys in the morning. If you need anything at all, you know where to find me." With that, Sam turned and headed for the main part of the cabin, closing the door behind him.
xxxxx
Not five minutes after getting into bed, Eric gingerly stood up, and began to silently walk towards the door. He wished there was another way outside, other than going through what pretty much counted as Sam's room.
"Where are you going?" Deeks asked, rolling around in bed until he gazed at Eric from under a blanket.
"I just need to pee." Eric said shyly, a slight pink shading already matting his cheeks.
"Again?" Callen wondered from the other side of the room. "Didn't you just go before we came in?"
"I… did." Eric answered reluctantly. "I drank a lot of water!" He tried to defend himself but it came out more like a whine.
"I know we spent most of our days on the field, but I don't remember you needing to go so much." Callen wondered out loud.
Eric twisted awkwardly in place, making his teammates question if it was just nervous energy or if he really needed to go that badly. "I have my comms on constantly, so I can just… go whenever." He tried to explain.
"TMI, man." Callen cut him before he continued.
"Leave him alone." Sam's voice boomed from outside the door, and just as Eric was about to thank him for coming in his defense, Sam added, "he has a tiny bladder."
"I will be right back." Eric then ran out the door, trying not to step on Sam as he headed outside, his teammates' laughter following him all the way to the woods.
"I'm glad Eric is here." Deeks said after a few minutes of silence. "If not, you guys would be teasing me instead." He admitted, remembering the early days when he had just joined the team.
"We still can." Callen said.
"There's enough to go around." Sam added. "And we can always go back to talking about Lucas."
Deeks rolled his eyes, but slightly palled at the same time. "No, no, forget I said anything."
"Ahhh." Just when Callen was about to join in, Eric's shriek from outside had all three men on their feet and running towards the door.
"What's wrong?"
"What happened?"
"Are you okay?"
Sam, Callen and Deeks were outside in seconds, all three half-expecting to find some bad guys had followed them and were holding a gun to Eric.
"Eric? There's nothing here." Sam said eventually, only seeing Eric look a little more wide-eyed than usual.
"There was something in the woods." Eric muttered, in a shaking voice, his hand pointing to a spot behind the cabin.
"Eric." Sam began to explain slowly. "There's a lot of things in the woods, remember it's home to a lot of animals. It was probably just an owl."
"No, no, no. It was bigger than an owl, unless it was a giant one. I'm sure." Eric rambled, back still to the wall of the cabin.
"Come on, man. There's nothing to worry about." Sam tried to reassure his teammate, before pushing him inside, Callen following silently behind.
"What if it's a bear?" Deeks asked, still rooted in place.
"Not you, too." Sam rolled his eyes. "There's no bear."
"How can you be sure?" Deeks challenged, remembering his conversation with Kensi and wishing he had brought his gun.
"I'm sure." Sam said annoyed. "But if you wanna stay outside, be my guest. Let me know in the morning how it went." He then walked inside, still pushing Eric so he would actually get back in bed.
"Wait, don't leave me alone!" Deeks shouted as the door to the cabin closed behind his teammates.
xxxxx
Waking up suddenly, Deeks felt the world closing in around in. His vision was dimmed and he couldn't see past the cot he was currently occupying. Rubbing his eyes, he tried to push sleep away, but his mind felt foggy and he couldn't force his sight to focus on anything in particular.
Breaths coming in slow gasps, he couldn't force air to pass through the tightness in his throat. Then his heartbeat sped up and his hands started shaking.
Not being able to draw air in and out of his lungs, Deeks desperately turned around trying to find Kensi, but his wife wasn't around and he was alone to fight his invisible attacker.
Gingerly stepping out of bed, Deeks rushed to the window and jerked it open in one swift movement. The cold air of the mountains then rushed into the room, slapping him hard, balancing his senses.
As the shadows began to retreat from his mind and the act of breathing became an easier task, the world around him began taking shape. First he noticed Sam's comforting hand on his shoulder, and felt Callen's presence behind him. They were asking him questions, wanting to make sure that he was okay, but all he could hear was a faint whistling in his ears. Eric was standing to his right, eyes wide. His lips were moving but Deeks couldn't make the words coming out.
Shaking his head, Deeks took in various deep breaths as he tried to slow down his breathing. And once he felt in control enough, he gently pushed his teammates away and walked back to his cot. It was bad enough that they had seen him like this and he didn't want to embarrass himself even further by trying to explain what had just happened. He knew they would ask questions and he owed them an explanation, but it could happen in the morning. For now, he just needed peace.
To Deeks' relief, his teammates stepped away and allowed him to go back without resistance. He could still feel the vibrations of sound in the air, and now he could barely make Sam's voice directing Callen and Eric back to their own beds, explaining that he just needed time, and that they all needed to rest before morning came.
Deeks was thankful to Sam, but in that moment all he could do was briefly turn around, looking at his teammate directly in the eyes, and letting their shared history speak for itself. Tomorrow, there will be time for actual words.
Getting into bed, Deeks pulled the blanket tightly around him and closed his eyes. His senses were returning back to normal and he could hear the sound of the window being closed, then his teammates whispers, but he couldn't quite make out the words, then footsteps, and silence.
Sure now that everyone was back in bed, Deeks grabbed his phone and looked for Kensi's contact. His fingers then lingered over the picture of their wedding day and Deeks wished there was signal in the woods. Hi sunshine, I love you and miss you. Instead Deeks sent a quick text, well knowing that Kensi wouldn't get it at this time, but needing to feel close to her somehow.
Moving to his gallery, Deeks looked for more pictures with his wife, each new one further spreading a feeling of calm around his body. Eventually, with his fingers still caressing Kensi's virtual cheek, Deeks was able to close his eyes and fall back into a more peaceful sleep.
xxxxx
Callen awoke with a start, his heart pounding. His first instinct was to look over to the other side of the room where Eric and Deeks were. He was relieved to see that the two younger men appeared to be asleep, at least he hadn't woken them. He especially didn't want to wake Deeks, unsure if he was okay. He could see from the window that daylight was approaching. Feeling nature's call, he put on his shoes and grabbed his jacket. He was relieved that they hadn't had to sleep outside. The cot wasn't the best but it was a hundred times better than the ground. He just wished Sam had gone that extra step further and opted for indoor plumbing.
As quietly as he could, he went to the bedroom door and then went to the front door of the cabin. When he stepped outside, the cold air hit him hard. "Damn," he said, seeing his breath in the night air. Shivering slightly, he made his way to the outhouse and did his business as quickly as possible and emerged from the outhouse. When he did the view in the sky made him stop in his tracks. The sky was filled with a seemingly endless array of colors, varying shades of pinks, yellows, blues and oranges, he had to admit it was breathtakingly beautiful. Momentarily forgetting about the cold, he made his way to the edge of the lake and looked out over the water. It really was an amazing sight.
"G?"
Startled, Callen whipped around to see his partner coming up behind him. "Jesus, Sam. You scared the crap out of me. What are you doing out here?"
"When you didn't come back right away, I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
"So, you were awake," Callen said, smirking. "I figured you were."
"Of course I was," Sam said as he gazed at his partner contemplatively.
"I'm surprised you didn't follow me to the outhouse."
"Even I have my limits. But seriously, are you okay?"
"Yeah." Callen shrugged. "Why do you ask?"
"We've known each other a long time, buddy…"
"Just a bad dream," Callen admitted. "I'm okay."
Of course, Sam knew Callen's history of nightmares. He also knew that they had lessened over the years as his friend's path to self discovery had finally led him to some truths about himself and his family. "You want to talk about it?"
"It was the dream," Callen admitted after a brief hesitation.
"Oh." Sam immediately felt for his partner, knowing exactly what he meant. The dream when he'd seen his mother murdered on the beach when he was just a young child. "I'm sorry, G...I didn't know you still had that dream." Calling it a dream didn't even seem right to Sam. It was so much more than that. It was basically reliving a real life nightmare.
Callen shrugged again, his gaze on the water. "I don't have it very often. Just sometimes."
"So are you sure you're good?"
"I am. It's just not the best way to start the day, you know?" It always disturbed him, seeing that vivid horrifying scene and he still had questions. Why hadn't they shot him and left him on the beach beside his mother? The Comescus had wanted him dead. Had it just been the act of a gunman who couldn't shoot a child but had no problem shooting a woman in cold blood? He'd never know, but the questions were still there.
Sam nodded as he put his arm around his partner's upper back in a gesture of friendship. "I know it's not. And you also know you can talk to me if you ever want to."
"I do know that," Callen replied as a sudden burst of wind cut through his jacket, causing him to shiver again. "But not right now. I don't know about you but I'm freezing and you know how fragile I am." He grinned at his partner teasingly and the two men headed back inside.
xxxxx
For breakfast, Sam whipped up some pancakes on the cookstove and they ate at the wooden table in the cabin. Due to the events of the night, the men were all tired and conversation was kept to a minimum except to compliment Sam on the meal. Once the coffee kicked in though, they woke up a bit and began to chat.
"So what's up for today?" Callen asked, looking at his partner.
"I thought we'd take a walk around the lake," Sam said. "Become one with nature."
"The whole lake?" Eric asked, looking appalled. His feet were sore and he had a painful blister on his right heel. He hadn't asked for a band-aid though, not wanting to be the subject of ridicule.
"No, not the whole lake." Deeks jumped in quickly. "Right, Sam Dawg?"
Sam chuckled. "No, not the whole lake. We'll just walk alongside it for a while and see what we can see."
"Okay." Eric was still dubious about the activities but knew he didn't have much choice. He missed his computers and his game systems and most of all, Nell. He was enjoying the time with his teammates, but he could hardly wait to go home to see her.
They bundled into their jackets and set off on their walk with a slow and easy pace. Sam was smart enough to realize that they had done a lot the previous day and wanted to keep this day easy. Maybe they would do something more challenging the next day. Conversation was sparse as they just admired the scenic views around them, with all four men taking time for pictures. Finally, they arrived at a more open sandy area with a seemingly endless number of rocks in all different shapes and sizes.
"You guys ever skip stones?" Sam asked as he began scanning the area, looking for some flat rocks.
"Did I?" Deeks asked with a grin. "I was actually really good at that." It was one of the few childhood memories he had with his father that was a good one. Before everything had turned wrong, they had gone fishing and his dad had taught him how to skip stones.
"I can do it too," Eric said confidently. "You know there are lots of mathematical formulas with regard to skipping stones."
"So, competition time?" Deeks asked as he began searching for some good rocks.
"You're on," Eric said.
Callen watched his friends as they began gathering their stones. He then backed away and took a seat on a large boulder.
"G?" Sam walked over to where Callen was sitting after noticing he wasn't taking part in the search for the perfect stone. "Don't you want to do this?"
"I'm good," Callen said, shaking his head.
"I can show you how," Sam said patiently. "It takes practice, but it's a lot of fun once you get the hang of it."
"I'm just going to watch."
"Okay." Sam realized that pushing his friend wasn't going to accomplish anything and he resumed his search.
A short time later, Deeks, Sam and Eric stood at the water's edge and began skipping their stones across the lake.
"Five skips on my first time!" Deeks howled with glee. "Is that awesome or what?"
Eric and Sam did four and three skips respectively.
"Who's the champion?" Deeks called out after getting his rock to skip seven times. "That's right. I think that would be me!"
Sam's next turn was five skips and Eric managed six. Then Deeks went again and managed six the next time, Sam six and Eric seven.
"I've tied the champion," Eric said, grinning. "You'd better watch out, Deeks!"
"Contest isn't over yet, Beale," Deeks said as he moved into position to toss another stone. This one, much to his excitement skipped eleven times. "ELEVEN! ELEVEN!" Deeks yelled, pumping his fist in the air. "Did you guys see it? Did you?"
"I saw it," Sam admitted, knowing this particular contest was over. He was pretty sure neither he nor Eric was going to beat 11.
"Wow, Deeks," Eric said, admiringly. "I guess mathematical equations aren't everything. You want to give me some pointers?"
"I'd be happy to," Deeks said, as he walked over to Eric while Sam took the opportunity to go over to Callen who was still sitting with an indecipherable look in his blue eyes.
"Congratulations," Callen said as his partner sat on the rock beside him.
Sam chuckled. "I didn't win, G. Deeks did. You usually do a better job of pretending to pay attention."
"Oh...sorry," Callen said, looking genuinely surprised at the outcome of the match. "Anyhow...it looked like fun."
"It was fun," Sam said with a nod. "It still could be fun, for you too. I could show you."
"I did it once," Callen said as he got to his feet. "It isn't something I want to do again."
Sam sighed. Surely his partner didn't have some bad memory associated with skipping stones? "What happened?" he asked softly, following Callen to the water's edge.
Callen shook his head. "Nothing...it was stupid…"
Sam waited in silence for a few moments and was rewarded when Callen actually chose to go on. "I was in this foster home. I guess I was seven at the time. The foster father took a bunch of us to a pond. Some of the bigger kids were skimming stones and tried to teach me. When I didn't catch on, they focused on throwing rocks at me instead."
Sam stared at Callen incredulously. "What the hell did the father do?"
Callen shrugged. "Nothing. He thought it was funny until I got hit on the head with one of the bigger rocks. Then he decided fun time was over and we went home."
"What the hell! Were you okay?" Sam's voice was angry even though this episode had happened so long ago.
"I was fine, Sam. I'm here aren't I?" Callen asked, his eyes darkening. "Anyhow, let's get this walk or whatever it is over with. It feels like it's getting colder."
Sam watched as Callen walked on ahead and decided to hang back with Deeks, knowing G was definitely no longer in any kind of a talking mood, and also wanting to check on his other teammate. "So...about last night," he broached tentatively, not wanting to force Deeks into talking if he didn't want to, and much less, into retreating into himself for the rest of the trip.
Deeks sighed softly, as they walked, his eyes on Callen who for whatever reason was walking at a breakneck speed ahead of everyone. "What about it? It was great, best smores I've had in a long while."
"You okay?" Sam asked softly, ignoring Deeks obvious deflection.
"Yeah, I'm good, Sam" Deeks said. "But what's up with your partner? If I didn't know better, I'd say he's trying to lose us." He tried to divert again.
"Never mind G," Sam said. "Is there anything up with you? I mean… can I help?"
Deeks stopped walking and stood to face Sam. He had allowed himself to believe last night wouldn't be brought up again, but should have known better. Sam was definitely a fixer. He liked building things with his own hands and he liked making sure everyone was A-okay.
Sighing, Deeks silently wondered how much he wanted to share, but seeing a friendly Sam standing patiently in front of him reminded Deeks of their friction so long ago, so now he decided he owed it to their shared-history to be honest with his teammate. "I'm okay, Sam. Wasn't an easy night, but it usually isn't when it happens. Last night just took a little more effort to get back to normal." Deeks eventually admitted, purposely not voicing exactly what it was. "But I'm better now, it's all in the past."
"Has this happened before?" Sam asked sadly, having noticed the phrasing of his sentence and a sort of resignation in Deeks' eyes.
Staying silent, Deeks just nodded, fighting the urge to turn around so he wouldn't see the shame that was sure to be on Sam's face.
"I'm sorry." Sam said. "What helps? Is there anything I can do?"
"Hmm…" Deeks twisted awkwardly in place. "It's just… last night" He trailed off, knowing what had been different the previous night but failing in his attempt to voice it out loud.
"Kensi wasn't here." Sam completed knowingly, a softness in his eyes so different from the usual fire that raged there. "I've been there, brother." Sam said quickly, recognizing in Deeks a desire to run, and understanding from experience. "Michelle used to have that power over me too."
Deeks stood rooted in place, silently staring at his teammate.
"What are the triggers?" Sam asked after a few minutes of silence, knowing that it would be easier for Deeks to talk if he pushed the conversation on a specific direction.
Taking in a deep breath, Deeks waited until he found his voice again. "I don't think there's a specific trigger. It just happens… sometimes. I'm sleeping peacefully one moment, then I wake up and I'm choking."
"I have woken up with panic attacks before." Sam began calmly, finally putting a name to what had happened last night. "Some days it was about old missions with the Seals, later about bad cases with the team. But eventually it wasn't about me anymore… It was something happening to Callen, or to Michelle, or to the kids. But regardless, every time I woke up panting and gasping for air."
"How did they go away?" Deeks asked, relieved Sam had experienced something similar so he wouldn't see him as weak.
"Who said they did?" Sam answered honestly. "You learn how to fight it. Not with Kensi… or Michelle's help. But you realize that all the shit that has happened in the past and is bringing the attacks now, just means that you're a survivor. So, you wear it like a badge. Like another one of those medals I got in the service or you at LAPD. And eventually it starts happening less and less often, until it just becomes an occasional nightmare. It does get better, man. Even if you're still doing the job." Sam finished understandably.
"Thank you, Sam." Deeks admitted. "Is that what's happening to Callen?" He asked, not using it as a diversion anymore but sincerely caring about his teammate's wellbeing.
"Something like that." Sam answered, appreciating that Deeks cared but not wanting to betray Callen's privacy. "He's also had a tough past. And it comes back to haunt him too. But for him, it's not like for us, where it's mostly the job that returns, for Callen… it's a little farther away in the past."
"His childhood." Deeks said simply. Being able to relate more than Sam could ever imagine, but aware that he couldn't possibly know as he had never opened up about his past to the team. "I'm sorry."
"I'm too, about both of you." Sam breathed out, wishing he could fix it all, but knowing that, deep down, he was only human.
"I will be okay, Sam. And Callen will too. Isn't that why we came on this trip?" Deeks resumed their walk, noticing that Eric and Callen were barely visible now.
Sam laughed as he followed Deeks, inadvertently drawing his jacket in a little closer, a new chill having set in the air. "Yes, it was." Sam agreed, fighting the urge to tease him about him becoming a new Kensi.
"Maybe I can try to talk to Callen sometime." Deeks wondered out loud.
"You could." Sam said, thinking the idea through. "Don't get offended if he pushes you away, tho. He's not the talkative type."
"Got it. I can always teach him how to skip stones if he refuses to talk." Deeks said smiling. "Thank you, Sam. For everything."
Sam and Deeks said nothing afterwards, they just picked up their pace and hurried to catch up with their teammates. It was getting late and the air was getting colder.
xxxxx
Following their successful night at the karaoke bar, Hetty had tried to convince Kensi and Nell to head back home with her. But the girls hadn't wanted to overstay their welcome and in all honesty they missed sleeping in their own beds, even if their boys weren't there to share it with them. So, they had gone their separate ways to rest for the night and now found themselves sitting at Deeks' and Kensi's bar, Roberta happily preparing some new drinks for them to try.
"I will be in the back. You girls let me know how you like your drinks." Roberta explained, before moving to the back to continue running inventory.
The girls nodded and continued sharing small talk as they sipped on their cocktails.
"Are you okay?" Kensi asked eventually, having noticed Nell nervously biting her lip, while she ran her hand up and down her leg for what felt like a hundred times.
"It's nothing." Nell said, even as she ran her hand down her leg another time.
"You don't sound quite too convincing." Kensi challenged. "Plus, you're displaying a whole lot of nervous quirks."
Nell sighed before she took out her phone, sliding it in front of Kensi. "I set my phone to receive alerts for the area the boys are at… and about an hour ago I received a winter weather advisory." Nell explained nervously.
Kensi shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Her own fear starting as she read the notification and looked at the map. "I'm sure everything is fine. Sam must have looked at the weather and probably changed locations."
"Yes, and they must have lost signal so they couldn't tell us. I tried to call Eric but the call went to voicemail." Nell added, choosing to support any and all of Kensi's explanations. Anything over the alternative and the mental image of the boys trapped in a snowstorm which her mind had unfortunately already conjured.
Kensi nodded, trying to look certain but a comfortable level of panic had already settled inside her. Nell's demeanor mirrored that of her friend, as both women tried to make light of the situation.
"I don't even know if Eric had any warm clothes with him," Nell admitted, trying to remember what exactly they had packed for him. It all seemed like a haze at the moment.
"I'm sure he did," Kensi said, trying to reassure the other woman. "Eric is super cautious. He would have packed appropriately." She knew Deeks had enough warm clothing for regular winter weather, but what if this was worse? They certainly weren't prepared for a bad snowstorm or God forbid, a blizzard. "They'll be fine. I'm sure of it."
"Who will be fine?" Roberta asked, returning to the bar and placing a slice of chocolate layer cake in front of each of them. Both Kensi and Nell looked stunned, each trying to think of a good cover story for what they had been talking about.
"Uh…" Nell looked like a deer in the headlights, lying not being her forte. She cast a desperate look at Kensi for help.
Kensi sighed softly as she gazed at Roberta. "I'm sure it's nothing...that they're fine, but… it seems like their could be some bad weather where the boys are."
"Oh my God, no," Roberta said, putting her hand to her chest in dramatic fashion. "Marty! Have you tried to reach them? How could they not have checked the forecast? Oh my baby."
"No, no, I'm sure they're fine," Kensi said comfortingly as she got up and hugged Roberta. "It's just a small chance and you're right, I'm sure they checked the weather and are somewhere totally safe and sound. I didn't want to worry you. They're going to be okay." She looked over Roberta's shoulder at Nell and the two women exchanged a worried look, neither of them convinced in the slightest that things were going to be fine.