… I am so, soooo sorry and I really have no excuse, other than laziness and a busy life. However, I have written this chapter a few times now and it keeps on bugging me. O, I have reached the conclusion that you – those who for some reason are still with me here – will just have to deal with a lousy chapter. Sorry about that.
Sorry it´s so short but time ran away from me. No joke I sometimes feel like I´ve lost a bunch of time because I have no idea where it went… I hope to have a longer one within the next month, but I won't promise as I have to move, the kids have birthdays, I´m writing on an exam paper and so on. But I´ll try my hardest to make it happen.
Merlin woke in the early morning hours before the dawn was even hinting in the east. She couldn´t feel Mordred beside her and frowned before she remembered that he had one of the late watches. She lifted her head and turned it towards the ongoing campfire, and sure enough, there he was. Sitting locking into the flames still burning, a small frown on his face as though his was thinking very hard on something. Merlin bit the side of her lip while she frowned wondering what he was thinking about. She had been so sure of her own ability to not let him get to her, and look at her now? Not even two months in and she let him kiss her, touch her and even hold her at night. Even her previous relationships – if one could call a few rolls in the hay that – hadn't been allowed any actual sleep with her. She didn't trust many people to be that close to her while she slept. No one actually, and she still didn't trust him even though he was worming his way behind the walls she had built around her heart. Maybe she would have to reassess this… whatever it was she was starting here.
However, any thoughts in that direction blew out the metaphorical window as soon as Mordred turned his head in her direction and Merlin could faintly make out his frown deepening in the dark. Merlin didn't know if he knew she was awake or not, but she was hit with a strong longing to get up and go to him, to find out what plagued his thoughts. There was no point in going back to sleep now anyways, as the sky had taken a slight pink hue in the time she had been caught in her mushing's. So Merlin stretched her arms over her head and stretched as long a she was to wake up her remaining muscles before slowly sitting up and rubbing her face. Merlin got to her feet and waved at Mordred who were watching her, still with a small frown on his face, as she went into the wood to relieve herself.
When she was done she made her way to her bedroll to pack it up, before intending to find the bread and cheese she had packed for the first couple of mornings. The other knights were starting to wake up as she was packing away her things, it was to their low bussing that she picked up her scarf and stood toying with it. Should she put it on or leave it off? She ALWAYS wore it, but for some reason she didn't feel like it today so in the end she used it as a headband instead to keep her hair out of her face. The dawn made way to morning as the group settled around the dying campfire to eat their light breakfast. Merlin sad between Arthur and Leon, and opposed to her sad Mordred and beside him was Gwaine, who was alfully cheery this morning considering he wasn't a morning person.
"So what has made you decide to done your beloved scarf as a headpiece today Merlin?" he asked between to bites of bread. Merlin felt her cheeks heat up, as the rest of their party snapped their heads up to stare at her in shock. Gee thanks for making everyone look at me, "I just felt like a change today, and I think the weather will be nice, so what of it?" Merlin answered while glaring at him while he just laughed. "You are telling us that the weather is to blame? Merlin I have seen you wearing that damn thing just about every day for the 10 years, even in heatwaves." Arthur commented in disbelief as he stared at her, Merlin just felt her face and to her horror even her neck heat up in embarrassment. She mumbled something about just needing a change, before practically running off to pack up Arthurs things and ready their horses. She could still hear their laughter as she placed her things next to her horse, before taking care of Arthurs.
They rode at a slow pace through the landscape and Merlin truly enjoyed being out of the city. She loved Camelot, but sometimes it was so stuffing with all its people and noise. The only thing clouding her mind was Mordred, he hadn't per se gone out of his way to avoid her, but he hadn't tried talking to her either. It wasn't that she needed a guy to talk to her all the time, but his silence gave her time alone with her thoughts. Was she doing the right thing? Or would he betray her in the end? Had she somehow done something to upset him? But what could she possibly have done while being asleep? She didn't have any answers to her questions or any way to get any. Well not any way she was comfortable with, as she didn't feel like coming right out and ask him.
When they made camp for lunch Merlin overheard Arthur and Leon talking about the possibility of making a stop at one of the farms for the next night, because there had been whispers of Edgar doing dealings with was barely able to hide her groan at the probability of going there. Edgar 's oldest son Brian thought he was a gift to all women, including her it seemed, and tried to get every female he could get his hands on into bed. She was not up for the pestilence named Brian at this moment in time, it had after all only been a year since the last time he had been to the castle. But that was in no way long enough in her opinion. And other than that she had enough on her plate.
"What's the matter Merlin? Already tired of being on the road?" Merlin looked to the side as Percival sad on a rock beside her. He was looking at her with a concerned look. "No not quite yet. I'm just working some stuff out Perce." Percival was just looking at her not saying anything, but that didn't really bother Merlin all that much. If he had something to say, he would say it, otherwise he would just sit beside her as silent support. Merlin sighed, "what do you think?" "I don't think anything about it because I haven't been told anything, and until I am told something by either you or him I don't know anything."
Merlin frowned at him, "so what you are saying is that if asked you don't know anything? Is that correct?" At the incline of his head Merlin narrowed her eyes at him, "even if it's Arthur who does the asking?" "as I said, until I'm told by one of you I don't know anything. No matter who is doing the asking. But even if I don't know anything, I think it would be good for you. You have been alone for far too long." She laughed and bumped her shoulder into his arm, he was too tall for her to reach his shoulder in the way they were sitting. "For someone who doesn't know anything you seem to know a lot. And I'm not the only one who was been alone for a long time. But I don't know, it´s one of the things I`m trying to work out." She said with a smile and a teasing tone but grew serious at the end. Percival just rose and smiled at her before he turned to walk the small distance back to the others.
Merlin looked after him with a soft smile, the man never said much but he was great company. She still weren't any closer to an answer to her questions though, but he had taken her mind of her worries for at least a little while. Merlin felt a tingling sensation at the back of her neck and turned to look into the forrest. Mordred was looking at her from it´s shadows, "will you not speak to me all of the sudden?" Merlin asked. "That depends on many things Merlin."
"Such as?" "You mumble in your sleep did you know that?" As a matter of fact, she did know that, but she actually thought she had outgrown it but apparently she hadn't. So the question was, what had she said which had caused this change in his behavior. "I did when I was young, but I weren't aware I still had a habit of doing that." Neither of them said anything for a few moments but just stared at each other, "You really don't trust me." It wasn't said as a question, but more like a statement, so Merlin didn't bother with trying to deny it, because he was right. She didn't trust him, oh she wanted to so bad, but she just couldn't as there was too much at stake. She hoped to change his destiny, but what if she couldn't? in the back of her mind she could still hear Gwaine´s advice but she pushed it aside.
"Until you trust me, I don´t think we should do this. I´m sorry Merlin... Emrys. But it would hurt too much to be with you and yet know that you might… care for me, on some level. But you don't trust me, and that hurts Merlin. You can´t trust me, but you trust a man who would condemn you to death if you told him everything. To save him you would go against all odds and all beings, but would you even lift a finger to save me if I needed it?" Merlin weren't able to form an answer and looked away for a moment, but it was enough. When she looked back at Mordred he was looking down at the ground before looking back at her with a sad look on his face. He shook his head sadly, took a deep breath only to let it out slowly as he turned and walked into the forest. Away from her. Merlin felt like her heart was breaking in two as she watched him go.
The rest of the day Merlin just kind of went through the motions, she did the things she was supposed to do. She made the food, took care of Arthur´s needs such as his bedroll and his horse, she joked with the knights and made fun of Arthur. But she did it all without any passion, without her unusual fire in the bickering. She knew that her friends was looking concerned at her, but she didn't really care all that much. When she laid down to sleep, her eyes sought out Mordred´s form in the dark as he laid down as far away from her as he could get. She noticed Gwaine and Percival looking from one of them to the other in confusion. They had done so the last few hours, but she had nothing to say to them about why Mordred did his best to ignore her very existence. She fell asleep hoping the night would bring her clarity.
When Morning came Merlin woke with determination filling every fiber of her being. She had been fine before Mordred stormed into her life, and she would most certainly be so without him complicating her life even more than his mare presence already did. She stretched and got up, packed up her bedroll and started preparing a light stew from the leftover meat from last night. "Morning Merlin, it´s good to see you in a better mood. My sister would be sorely disappointed if we ended up bringing her best friend back all grumpy." Merlin turned to Elyan with a smile. They may not be the best of friends but they were on friendly terms and she did consider him a friend even if not a close one.
"Don't worry, I´ll be in my very best mood when we get home, depending on how this night is going to unfold at farmer Edgars." She made a grimace as Elyan burst into laughter, all the knights knew of her dislike of Brian and his continued attempts at bedding her. "Don´t lie to us Merlin, we all know you miss Brian terribly between our get together with them."
Laughter ran out around them as the other knights listened in on their conversation voiced their own opinion on her missing Brian. The only one who didn´t join in was Mordred, whom Merlin saw out of the corner of her eye, standing with his arms crossed over his chest and narrowed eyes.