FFVII - How Chuck Nokia Saved the Planet by Being Himself

Disclaimer: Caroline is mine, that's about it. Chuck Nokia belongs to me, Dragonqueen909 and Selerastar. Aerith, Zack, Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal from Final Fantasy VII belong to Square Enix for games, Tetsuya Nomura, Takeshi Nozue, Yusuke Naora, Yoshinori Kitase and Shinji Hashimoto for Advent Children.

Cast:

Author: Fumseck73

Beta-reader / translator: Dragonqueen909 (english)

Oc: author on borrowed name.

Summary: AU. How one of the first SOLDIERS created saved the Planet by being... well, himself.

Prologue: BAMF Lieutenant Nokia

There were all kinds of people in SOLDIER. Some were well known, like Lieutenant Zack Fair, for his crazy puppy temper, always enthusiastic and happy to live, with a seemingly inexhaustible energy. There was his mentor, Commander Angeal Hewley, known for his love of plants and his sense of honor. And there were the others. The Scarlet Commander, Genesis Rhapsodos, known for his obsession with Materias and the epic poem Loveless... but even more for his seductive side and his habit of swinging fireballs in all directions. And, of course, there was Sephiroth. The SOLDIER Poster Boy, the most powerful there is, feared and respected by all.

And there were the others, those who weren't 1st Class, but who were still a little known. Kunzel, a 2nd Class, and an expert when it came to gathering and dissecting rumors to separate the true from the false. All the SOLDIERS knew that if they wanted reliable, verified rumors, they had to go to him. Luxière, who was a bit of his assistant in the field, opening his ears everywhere to hear the gossip and report it, leaving him to sort it out and find out the truth.

And there were the OTHERS. Those whose even the SOLDIERS daren't get on the wrong side, or breath wrong in their presence. Those who made even the most seasoned SOLDIERS tremble with fear, because THEY themselves were even more experienced. Those on whom the wildest rumors were circulating, because they had survived everything that had been thrown at them, and that even Kunzel couldn't unravel the true from the false. People like Chuck Nokia, Lieutenant and 1st Class.

All Soldiers without exception feared the old SOLDIER seamed with scars, and with a slight limp. But as any of them would have told you, it wasn't because he had a little trouble walking sometimes that he wasn't dangerous. He certainly couldn't go on all missions, but that wasn't what would prevent him from kicking your ass and sending you to fly to the other end of the VR room in which he had dragged you to teach you a lesson, quite the contrary. And he was one of the few people with whom even Kunzel struggled to unravel the true from the false. Send him in front of a pack of Nibel Wolves and see him come back without a scratch? Check, been verified. Hear that he would have succeeded in pushing back a pack of Guard Dogs with a single glance? Not checked, but only those inside the Tower ran smoothly when they passed him in the hallway. So more than likely. Kunzel had a harder time believing the one that said he would be able to submit Behemoths or dragons with a look, but as Commander Rhapsodos or Sephiroth trembled themselves when the old Lieutenant glared at them... yes, he was willing to believe it. Or the one who said he ate Monodrives for breakfast.

And the old SOLDIER was enjoying his reputation, taking pleasure in terrifying the cadets he met and who were idiots. He even refused a promotion just for that, in order to, in his own words, "Headshots all these little idiots who take themselves for Gods after their first injections". And he couldn't do that from an office. Which also meant that, despite his age, he was still sent on missions, from which he always found a way to return... even if he sometimes took his time. Like this time when his squadron was sent to take care of a nest of Hell Houses. The latter were much more powerful than usual, and they had had great difficulty in overcoming them. At the end, Commander Nokia had pushed everyone back to give his all... until the last one still standing made a suicide attack, causing the ground to collapse under his feet, causing him to fall. The hole was unfortunately too deep for the SOLDIERS to descend, and none had a rope on them. The calls to find out if he was still alive hadn't been answered, and everyone quickly considered him dead.

Except that he came back to the Shinra Tower two weeks later as if nothing had happened, smoking one of his horrible cigars as he did at the end of every successful mission, covered in dirt from head to toe, but in great shape apart from that. His mocking "What, maybe you were hoping to get rid of me this time? You can always dream you bunch of rednecks." had made everyone shiver, the SOLDIERS hastening to look away… and the Turks taking care to close the bets while he went to his apartment to take a well-deserved shower, his swaying gait reminiscent of an old Nibel Wolf or a Dragon who proudly displayed his scars to show that he still had strength. No one had dared to stand in his way, the 1st Classes who were in the elevator vacating it precipitately when it stopped on his floor.

Even Professor Hojo didn't dare approach him or attempt to break into his apartment, Chuck Nokia has demonstrated that he just doesn't like the scientist and send him flying down the hall because he had made the mistake of wanting to call Sephiroth down to his domain when he had just returned from a mission where he had to killed Behemoths. It had been the first and last time that Hojo had challenged Nokia, and since then he had kept as far away from him as possible.

Chuck Nokia was as much feared and hated as he was respected and admired by the SOLDIERS, whom he had all trained without exception... including the most idiotic among them. And ALL feared him more than anything, saying that they would still prefer to fight a King Behemoth with their bare hands rather than facing him. On the other hand, it relieved the SOLDIERS for whom he was sent as reinforcement... even if they had the impression of being cadets again in his presence.

What nobody knew... was that he was going to save everything again by being... well, by just being himself. Even if he has to traumatize some idiots in the process. But that was his daily life.

To be continued…

To tell you the truth, this fic is part of a crack on a character created for another story, also on FFVII, accompanied by some ideas from the remake. And yes, the character combines references to the Chuck Norris facts, plus the invulnerability of the Nokia, and everything is voluntary. So a lot of cracks and seriousness too. The chapters are also quite short, because it's just a crackfic in the bottom, even if not in the form. Enjoy! o/ (Cackles, we're having so much fun with this!- Dragon)