Thor found him on one of the cliffs outside of New Asgard, wind blowing softly through his hair.
He grimaced. He wasn't supposed to be out here. He was supposed to be back at home (or as much of a home as they were going to get). He was supposed to be wrapped in a wool blanket, sipping at the soup Thor had heated up for him this morning. He was supposed to be resting.
But Thor had found him here instead, barefoot, clothes wrinkled and swallowing his frame, mere steps away from the edge of the outcropping.
Something in Thor's chest tightened at the sight.
"Loki," he called out softly, so as not to startle his brother and send him careening into the water far below. Loki didn't seem to hear him, blinking slowly out at the horizon, listening to the sound of waves lapping on the shore.
He was shaking, Thor noticed absently, but he didn't think it was from the cold. He longed to wrap his brother in his arms and keep him there forever, but refrained for now. It probably wouldn't do much good when he was in this state.
"Loki?" he prompted again, walking a little closer and making his steps known through the soft grass. "You shouldn't be out here. It - it's chilly. You need to rest. Come o-"
"Did you ever wonder," Loki interrupted, voice seemingly loud compared to his previous silence, "how I came to be here? How...how I'm not dead?"
Thor swallowed. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. "I was curious, for a time, but then I swept it away in favor of celebrating your return."
Loki laughed mirthlessly, eyes slightly glazed and hazy from both tears and fever. Thor wondered what he was seeing right now. "I don't even know how I'm alive. It just...just happened. I woke up, and found that my heart was still beating, that my lungs still held breath." He sighed, seeming to hold the weight of the world on his shoulders. "It's not the first time," he murmured.
Thor was lost. He had no idea where this was going, what he was supposed to do. Mother probably would, he thought absently. She always had known what to do. "Did you...did you not fake your death that time on Svartalfheim?" he asked, like that hadn't destroyed Thor's world for the second time. Loki seemed to consider his question a little, stepping closer still to the edge. Thor responded by putting a soft hand on Loki's elbow, trying to guide him towards a safer place. He didn't budge.
"S'not like I wanted to get skewered," Loki murmured, a faint smile on his face. "It just...happened. One second, I was dead; the next, I was alive." Thor could feel him shudder a little. "I died in the Void, too, I think. Perhaps when I landed, perhaps when I was falling, perhaps afterwards. But...I remember dying then, too; it felt real. Those times were real, but it never stuck."
Thor's breath caught a little in his throat, and he had to let go of Loki's elbow when it seemed like he would accidentally leave bruises there. "Maybe fate had more in store for you, maybe that's why you're here."
Loki turned around abruptly, with eyes not quite sharp with anger and cheeks flushed. "You don't get it!" And that was the problem, wasn't it? Thor never really understood Loki until it was too late, until Thanos had supposedly killed him, snapping Loki's neck and Thor's heart before turning to half of the universe.
But he was here now, and that was all that mattered, wasn't it?
Wasn't it?
Tears fell unbidden from Loki's tired and haunted eyes, streaking down his cheeks. "You don't get it. It...I'm not in control of my own life!"
"Of course you are!" Thor replied back, because what else was he supposed to say?
Loki sobbed. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know why I'm here. Why do I get to live when others don't? Sure, you reversed what Thanos did, but Death had followed us long before he came into our lives." He hugged himself tightly, hands digging into his ribs, and norns, when had he gotten so thin? Surely Thor would've noticed. "I just can't seem to die," Loki whispered.
It sent shivers up Thor's spine. "That doesn't mean your time is up now," he murmured soothingly, putting hands on his brother's shoulders and trying to guide him away from the edge. Loki wrenched away with surprising strength for a currently fevered man.
"What's the point?" Loki asked, stepping away from him and towards the edge of the cliff. Thor's eyes widened, breath catching a little in his throat; but he closed his eyes and forced himself to stay calm. For Loki, always for Loki. "If Death doesn't even want me, then who would?"
"I would," Thor pleaded. He was close, so close to the edge; he looked as if one strong breeze would propel him to the unforgiving water below, would propel him to fall and fall and fall, and Thor had promised himself, after the first time, never to let that happen to his brother again. "You're my brother. I need you. Please, Loki, step away from the edge." He muffled a sob against his hand, holding out the other one in an effort to placate.
"You're - you're ill," he continued. "You're ill, but that's fine, because you'll get better. You're ill, and you're not thinking straight. I'll get you home and we can rest for as long as you need, as long as you wake up again." Thor swallowed. "Please."
Loki's brows furrowed. "I don't...I don't understand."
"You will. Come on, let's go home, Brother."
He shook his head vigorously, stepping once more towards the edge; except it wasn't towards it, it was over it. Thor's eyes widened and he yelled out, running towards the edge and stretching his hands out, as if that would make up for all the times he'd let Loki fall when he wasn't looking. He leaped after his brother, as if that would make up for all the times he'd let Loki down because he just didn't look closely enough.
Thor didn't even know if he could fly without Mjolnir, hadn't even tried, but he wrapped his arms around his brother anyways, looking at his confused and scared, so scared eyes and slowly, ever so slowly, their descent stopped. Not flying, not really. Levitating would be a better word, and Thor had never been able to do that even with Mjolnir. He laid his cheek on his brother's messy hair, looking at the faint tint of green surrounding them. Perhaps Loki was helping him. 'Cause maybe Loki didn't value his life all that much, but he wouldn't die if it meant Thor would, too (maybe that was why he kept coming back, time and time again).
"I'm sorry," Loki whispered, tears coming quickly now. "I'm sorry, I didn't - I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"
"It's okay," Thor soothed, one hand in Loki's dark curls as Loki buried his face in Thor's shoulder, skin fever hot against his neck.
And Thor didn't know, whether this was a making of the fever or simply something it revealed, if Loki had been planning this and if he really wanted to leave life that desperately. He didn't know much of anything, really; but he had vowed, a long time ago, to protect his brother as long as he was able, and he intended to keep that promise now.
"It's okay," he whispered again, hiding his tears in Loki's hair. "It's going to be okay," he breathed out. "We'll - we'll figure this out."
Loki nodded a little, fatigue evident as they were slowly guided back towards land.
It must've been a sight, Thor thought vaguely, pressing a long kiss on top of Loki's head: two brothers hanging onto one another in midair.