Word Count: 4,124
Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with 911, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.
Warnings: This chapter contains references to a dissociative episode.
"This is…a lot of pink," Buck said with wide eyes as he limped up the path to Walker's house. Chris had already disappeared inside the house in search of candy or chips, his carefully inscribed card clutched in one hand.
And Buck wasn't wrong. Eddie had been to Walker's house many times over the years, but he wasn't sure he'd ever seen it decorated like this. Pink streamers and balloons were tied to the posts of the front porch, interwoven with strings of mint green. There was pink confetti scattered across the lawn that Walker would almost certainly regret next time he had to mow it. As they stepped inside the house, there was a further explosion of pink and mint green streamers and balloons taped across the walls, along with the high-pitched shrieks of children having fun that made Eddie almost immediately shudder. He tolerated Athena's parties because they were predominantly adults. This? This? Not so much.
Harry peeled out of a side room in pursuit of another boy Eddie didn't know, both of them squirting water guns and ducking the spray by hiding behind pieces of furniture in terrible attempts at taking cover. And really, considering Athena's status in SWAT, he expected better aim from her son too.
"Not inside the house," he said automatically, knowing Walker would never stop complaining if the crêpe paper streamers got damp and then stained a wall or piece of furniture pink or green.
Harry's eyes flashed towards him, a grin lifting his lips. "Oh. Hey Mister D!" He lowered his water gun until it was aimed far too much at the other kid's torso and Eddie tried not to feel like he needed to police Athena's kid for his use of non-deadly weapons. He'd always looked differently at guns after joining the army, and that had never abated since joining the LAPD and working his way into SWAT. He hadn't figured out the best way to have a talk with Chris about guns and gun safety yet, feeling as though he was too young, but Harry was only a little older and clearly having fun. Eddie just needed to learn how to turn the parent part of his brain off. "And…Buck, right? Chim's girlfriend's brother?"
Eddie blinked and realised that the summary was as accurate as it was in highlighting the convoluted connections between them. It almost made him wonder whether he should have gone to more of Athena's events. Maybe he would have met Buck sooner. Maybe he wouldn't have even needed the drawing class. But even if he had met Buck earlier…then what? He still would've had the lingering issues of his relationship with Shannon to contend with when she was alive, or his grief and rage after she'd died, and either way that probably would've made everything with Buck impossible so maybe nothing would have happened or maybe he would have been a pale pink Mark but certainly nothing like-
"That's me," Buck said cheerfully, a wobbling hand touching the small of Eddie's back. It drew him out of the tangled swirl of his thoughts and he leaned into it subtly, soaking in the comfort that Buck's touch provided. "Where can we find the other adults?"
"Back patio," Harry said, yelping as he got hit in the face with a stream of water from the other kid who was evidently bored of waiting. "Now you're gonna get it, James!"
The two scurried away and Eddie shook his head, wondering how many more years he had to wait until he was tugging water guns from Chris' hands to explain to him why brandishing even fake guns was problematic.
"Hey." Buck's fingers pressed into him once the thumps of the boys had disappeared into another room and he glanced over his shoulder at the wary blue eyes that were openly assessing him. "You good?"
"I…." He swallowed, wondering how much he might've given away of his thoughts or emotions to Buck once he started thinking too much about Shannon. He probably should've expected the follow-up. "I'm okay," he said, though his smile felt more tentative than it had previously and Buck looked less than convinced. He shifted slightly sideways to touch his hand to Buck's, squeezing at his fingers. "Let's find the others."
He led Buck through the house, glancing at a horde of giggling teenagers and almost-teenagers in Walker's dining area clustered around the table, and exited the sliding door to the patio.
"Sarge!"
"We're off-shift," he said with an eye roll at Tandy before waving at Anders and Nicholls and squeezing Jennifer into a loose hug. Huddled in a corner on the opposite side of the circle was Polson. He gave her a hesitant smile that she returned as Buck's crutches clicked and clattered through the door behind him.
"Buck!"
Eddie refused to be offended at how delighted Tandy sounded to see Buck, but he might have filed away the detail for the next time they did a drill or sparred to give Tandy an inch more hell. Maybe he'd disassemble all the weapons and gear and give Tandy impossible time limits to piece everything together again.
"Ray," Buck said with a nod of his head and a shy sort of wave to the others. Eddie stepped aside so Buck could shuffle more into view. He shifted his weight from one crutch to the other, looking from Eddie to the gathered team with the exception of Walker, who had to be inside somewhere. "Uh… I wanted to...to thank you all for...saving my life a couple of weeks ago."
Eddie blinked at Buck with surprise because he thought this was the first time he'd really referred to what had happened since he got out of the hospital. He knew Buck seemed to hold it together when Chris was awake but it was when Chris was asleep, once Buck didn't have to hide all the feelings from his kid, that Eddie became more aware of how much he was struggling with everything he was holding inside because he seemed to shrink in on himself. Eddie suspected he was going to develop bald patches from all the hair-pulling as he tried to understand how to navigate his way out of this mess.
"It's our job," Nicholls said calmly, the stock-standard approach they all used when someone came to thank them, but Buck shook his head, reaching a hand towards Eddie. He moved back towards Buck's side like he'd been pulled there by an invisible cord, pressing a hand to Buck's back and feeling the quiver in some of the muscles that betrayed how anxious he really was to be talking about this. He didn't miss the way Nicholls and Tandy looked between them when Buck's hand settled on the small of his back, leaning into him as he swayed on the crutches, but it took a lot of effort to tamp his initial emotional response because this was about Buck right now and his team could rib him about it later.
"I know what you do," Buck said, glancing towards Eddie before gesturing towards Tandy with a wry smile, "and I know how to make you do it better, but you saved my life and a lot of other lives that day. I knew everyone else inside was too afraid to act and it devolved into a war of attrition, until you guys and girls showed up and saved us."
Tandy shifted in his seat, grinning as he straightened his shoulders. "I could probably take you now."
Buck's hand twitched against Eddie's back and he looked at the glittering blue eyes that had honed in on his junior member. "You could try, but I won't be responsible for getting you an icepack when you land on your ass."
Nicholls guffawed and Jennifer and Polson laughed at the disgruntled pout on Tandy's face as he sank back into his seat, arms folded over his chest with an undeniable jut of his lower lip in a ridiculous sort of pout.
"You're only saying that because you don't want to end up with two legs in casts," Tandy muttered which very nearly made Eddie grab one of Buck's crutches to whack him over the head for his thoughtlessness. At the very least he added it to the list of things to punish Tandy with once they were running drills at HQ again.
But Buck snorted, fingers brushing over Eddie's back like he knew he was infuriated by the comment. "I'm saying that so you don't end up with two legs in casts," he retorted and there was a fresh round of laughter.
"What did I miss?" Walker said as he emerged with Athena and Bobby in tow. There were specks of pink glitter on his cheeks and confetti in his hair and judging from the lack of anyone speaking up, there must have been an unspoken agreement to conceal these details from him. It was hard not to pull his phone out and snap a photo to use at some embarrassing event in the future.
"Just Buck here proving he's just as good at taking Tandy down with his words as with his hands," Nicholls commented and Walker's eyes flashed towards Buck, a grin at his lips.
"Well, Buck. Don't stop on my account," Walker said as he dug out extra plastic chairs from a stack on the lawn and hoisted them towards Eddie to add to the circle. "Piling on the probie is the best part of any day."
"Hey! Aren't you meant to be on my side?"
Walker ruffled a hand through Tandy's hair as he returned to the patio. "I'm on the side that continues to remind you there's a lot to learn, kiddo."
Tandy wrinkled his nose and there was a scattering of laughter but Eddie was more focused on helping Buck into his seat, then propping his leg on an extra chair in the middle of the circle.
"Do you need a cushion?" he said, tangling his fingers loosely into Buck's.
"It's okay for now," Buck conceded and squeezed his hand.
The conversation shifted towards other topics depending on who was talking the loudest and, in typical fashion when he was surrounded by his colleagues, he found himself drifting between Walker or Nicholls the most. If he wasn't holding Buck's hand between the gap in their seats, then he was lingering behind Buck's chair with his fingers tracing idle patterns against Buck's shoulder or neck while talking and listening to someone else. At uneven intervals, he went inside the house to get fresh drinks or swipe some snacks for them, or poking his head in to check on Chris and observing whatever artistic endeavour was occurring on Walker's table when he'd poked his head in. They all seemed so deliriously involved.
On one such trip, Walker followed him inside to check how the pizzas for the kids were heating in the oven. Eddie collected fresh bottles of water from the fridge, ready to bemoan the fatal flaw in a children's birthday party: no alcoholic beverages.
"How's he really doing?" Walker said, folding the oven mitts together on the counter and leaning against it, holding Eddie in place with his stare.
Eddie's eyes darted towards the door of the kitchen, listening for any small or large ears that might overhear the conversation. "What do you mean? He's-"
"Eddie."
Satisfied no one was lingering near the doorway, he glanced through the kitchen window that overlooked the patio. He spied Buck talking with Bobby and wondered how much Bobby might've known through Chim, who had to know things through Maddie. Buck had mumbled something about Maddie stopping by while Eddie was on one of his shifts last week and refused to say anything further, which didn't bode well as far as Eddie was concerned. Eddie wasn't sure there'd been many Buck was dealing with this at all and it had given Eddie a new perspective about what Shannon must have seen when he returned from his tours because it was clear when he watched Buck that something could creep into his thoughts that made his words trail away in the middle of a sentence. Just as it was obvious something wasn't right with Buck, it must have been obvious to Shannon. He almost felt ashamed that he'd spent so many years trying to insist he was fine, and okay, and doing well. Maybe he was partly responsible for the breakup of his marriage, and the blackening of the Mark on his wrist, like Shannon had told him so many times. Maybe there was only so much shutting out that someone, anyone, everyone could take before giving up.
And it terrified him that he and Buck might be headed the same way if he didn't try to do something about it.
"I think it's still really raw for him," Eddie admitted, fiddling with the cap of the water bottle. "He's stressed about going back to both of his jobs. He's stressed about the Mark being damaged. He's stressed about the rehab he has to go through. He's stressed about what happened." He shrugged, fingers twitching against the bottle.
Walker nodded, clasping a firm hand to his shoulder. "You need to talk to him."
Eddie wasn't ignorant to that particular necessity but confronting Buck about his reactions, pointing out what those responses suggested or could develop into as a full-blown thing that haunted him for a whole lot longer than a few weeks… That was a whole other concern. And that conversation revealed too many parts about his own broken past.
"I know, Si," he conceded, and Walker squeezed his shoulder before letting his hand drop.
"Shall we?"
Eddie nodded and returned outside with Walker, passing Buck a water bottle and letting his fingers circle the back of Buck's neck. He felt Buck shiver against him at his cool hand, but there was also a rush of affection and a gentle grasp of his arm as he tuned into Bobby and Buck discussing some recent 118 call that Buck had heard about through his sister.
It was nearing the end of the party – the food had been eaten, the cake had been cut and distributed, the craft creations had been completed, some kids had already been collected early – when the remaining kids started to get restless and rowdier waiting for their parents to arrive.
And that was when a new form of disaster struck.
The adults were still outside, chatting in various smaller groups as they had done all afternoon, when there was a squeal inside and a loud BANG. There was a shout of "No! Don't do it again!" and then a couple of extra bangs followed by more shrieking. Walker had already dived out of his seat to reprimand the kids inside for the noise and the inevitable mess that destroying the balloons was making but it took Eddie a moment longer to realise how tightly folded Buck had become in his seat across the circle, how pale his face had turned, the utterly fathomless distance that had entered those iced blues.
Eddie wasn't even sure what conversation he'd been having with Walker, Nicholls and Athena up to that point when he saw Buck. He was already moving across the circle when he heard another bang, more tuned now to see Buck's flinch even though he looked to be a million miles away, his hands trembling in his lap.
Eddie sank to his knees next to Buck, as some of the conversations continued around him with an ignorance to the unfolding meltdown. Or maybe it was more like a shutdown. "Buck?" he murmured, hand hovering over Buck's arm while he debated whether touching was likely to be more or less triggering. He'd seen Buck slip into something distant and brought back through his touch before but he hadn't seen this. He hadn't seen it so bad. "Hey. Look at me, Ev."
The bottomless blue eyes slowly drifted towards him but there were limited signs of recognition, and it made Eddie's stomach coil. He knew that look, he'd seen it in the faces of soldiers before, in the eyes of rescued targets, in his reflection above the sink. He knew the cold emptiness that sank claws and teeth deep into your understanding and awareness, and he knew that look was typically one he would have given to Shannon, or his parents, or Abuela, or, on rarer occasions after awful calls, Walker and perhaps even Athena.
Pursing his lips in an attempt to suppress his worry from being deeply inscribed across his face, he moved his hand from hovering over Buck's arm to touching the tips of his fingers. Buck's eyes flickered but his hand stayed where it was, as if he was frozen in place, and that sort of paralysed state was familiar too. Eddie wasn't sure it was wise to hold on too tight, to surround Buck too much, but he slid his fingers into the gaps of Buck's and curled their hands together.
"Pete, can you find Si? Tell him to find Chris and make sure he's ready to go sometime soon," he said in his clearest voice without glancing back at his senior member. There was a scrape of chairs and footsteps and he was grateful his teammate leapt into action without questioning his orders, even when they were off-duty.
"Sarge? You want help?
He shook his head at Tandy, fixing his attention on Buck's empty eyes. As freaked out as this made him feel, he'd been there. He knew this. He knew all the grounding techniques that had been thrown at him, so he knew where to start with Buck. He knew he could probably rub at the Mark and draw him back too. He didn't want help, but he did need no more balloons to pop unexpectedly.
"Breathe with me, okay?" he said to Buck, his grip tightening on the hand. There was a fade in the background noise which was probably because the others realised something was wrong, but could just as easily be due to the narrowing of his focus because nothing else mattered as much as pulling Buck back to the present. He gradually shifted Buck's hand to his chest, where Buck would be able to feel the expansion and contraction of his lungs. "In and out with me, Ev."
If Eddie had doubted that Buck wasn't dealing with this before, then it was certainly confirmed now. It took longer than he would have liked to encourage Buck to breathe with him before he began asking Buck to label items he saw or could feel. He was partway through mentioning what he could hear when he startled, blue eyes blinking rapidly as a sharper inhale made him twitch. His eyes widened as he looked around the patio like he didn't recognise it, his brow furrowed when his gaze fell on Eddie kneeling by the side of his chair.
"E-Eddie?" Buck murmured, his voice laced with confusion
He managed a weak smile, lifting his other hand to cup Buck's cheek and hold his attention. "Hey. How about we head home?"
Buck looked over his shoulder, attention wandering over various chairs and inevitable people trying not to stare. Eddie didn't want to look as well, knew that there'd be too many questions and too much insistence that Buck needed help, so he squeezed Buck's hand and drew the tired blue eyes back to him. He knew that exhaustion too, the desire to fold into bed and sleep everything off after too many restless nights.
"Home?" he prompted.
"Oh." Buck's throat bobbed as he swallowed, a small dip of his head like he'd forgotten Eddie had posed a question only moments ago. "Yeah, I… Y-Yeah… Sorry?"
Eddie shook his head, rising to his feet again. Buck might've been able to recognise him but his struggle to form a coherent thought still made it clear he wasn't entirely cognizant and the sooner they left, the sooner they escaped any more popping balloons, the sooner he had Buck settled in a safe and controlled environment where Buck could rest or have his face drawn on by Chris' markers after running out of room on his cast, the better. If another balloon went off, he knew it'd be even harder to bring Buck back.
"C'mon," he encouraged with a somewhat insistent tug to get Buck out of his chair, lifting the crutches beneath his arms as Buck fought for balance.
When he turned, he was surprised to find the circle of chairs empty. He arched an eyebrow, his failure to realise everyone had cleared out behind him making him wonder just how deeply he'd been concentrating on luring Buck back to the present. He refrained from commenting, if only because Buck wouldn't have cared, and pressed a hand to the small of Buck's back to guide him slowly into the house.
Once they'd crossed the threshold, once he'd determined there was still a low hum of voices, that the house wasn't as empty as the patio, he paused and cradled Buck's cheek to look at him. "You think you can head for the truck while I get Chris?"
Buck's eyes wavered around the house but he nodded, continuing to shuffle through the corridor towards the front door. Eddie found Bobby, Nicholls and Jennifer in the kitchen and announced his departure with Buck and Chris.
"You going to be okay?" Bobby said from where he was scraping food scraps into a bin beneath the sink.
"We'll be fine," Eddie confirmed, although he was less than convinced and suspected it was written all over his face.
"Walker's with the kids in the family room. You'll probably find your tyke there," Nicholls added and Eddie nodded his thanks and gave the trio a wave.
Sure enough, Chris was part of a gathered group listening to Tandy tell stories about their less insane, less gory, less adults-only calls. Walker was sitting against a wall, his fingers loosely braiding Molly's hair, but his eyes immediately snapped towards Eddie when he lingered in the doorway. There was a knowing glint in his expression that Eddie understood all too well, that made it clear Walker had known something was wrong with Buck long before the balloons started popping.
"Mijo," he called, drawing Chris' attention along with Molly, Harry and a bunch of other eyes towards him. "C'mon. Time to go home."
Chris wobbled to his feet, crutches helping him balance, and gave Molly a hug. "Happy birthday, Molly," he said with a bright grin and she tapped his nose with her index finger.
"Thanks for coming, Christopher," she said, wrapping her arms around him. Eddie tried to focus on his son in favour of avoiding Walker and Tandy's studious stares. There was no doubt everyone had caught what happened to Buck and been kind enough to provide the space for him to deal with it, but there was also no doubt he'd have to approach Buck about this sooner than he'd like otherwise his team would probably be unrelenting in checking in on him during shifts. It would be too easy for Buck to get sucked in and that drew Eddie with him, like quicksand. They'd already seen him at some of his lowest lows and he'd be glad to avoid that again if he could.
Chris let go of Molly and shuffled towards him. There was pink glitter across his little nose and the swell of cheeks, and Eddie knew it would add extra time to the evening bath but for now he brushed his fingers through the curls and lifted Chris to his waist. "Have fun?"
"Yeah! We were making scrapbook pages for Molly so that she remembers us forever," Chris said in absolute glee, his fingers scrunching and loosening against Eddie's chest. "She had all these photos of everyone and we got to decorate our own pages! And there was so much food and the cake was so good and-"
Eddie smiled as he listened to Chris rattle off everything he'd enjoyed, carrying his son carefully through the house until he spied Buck leaning on his own crutched by the passenger side of the truck. His shoulders were hunched as he typed something on his phone and Eddie wondered who he was texting. Maddie? He tried to pretend like the thought that Buck might reach out to someone else instead of him didn't upset him. Buck had had a life before him, after all, and possibly had a network of people who could help him cope if he called on them.
For now, though, Eddie had to pretend like he wasn't absolutely lost with how to deal with this.
~TBC~