Word Count: 4,124
Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with 911, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.

Warnings: This chapter contains some explicit sexual content.

"Come in."

He kept his hands behind his back as he entered Athena's office, separating them briefly to close the door. The click drew her eyes from her desk where she was poring over paperwork and she removed her glasses to look at him closely. He didn't want to shift too much on the spot, he'd stood in front of COs in the army, but Athena was as much a friend as a boss and at the same time he felt like he'd just willingly stepped into the principal's office.

"Eddie?" she prompted when his indecisive silence evidently dragged too long.

He hesitated, the internal war he'd been battling reaching breaking point. He'd spent two weeks watching Buck struggle to manage his responses and his reactions, and the silence since the party on the weekend had been deafening. He fought to keep his personal and work lives separate as much as possible, but it had been impossible to dodge the questioning glances of the team all day and he knew he needed help. As much as he hated betraying anyone's confidence, he wasn't too proud to admit he was out of his depth.

"I'm worried about Buck."

Athena's eyebrows rose and she leaned back in her chair, waving a hand towards the pair of seats in front of her desk. He inched forward until he could sit, her eyes fixed on him the entire time. Once he was seated, he wasn't sure whether his gaze should be on her or the floor.

"You're worried about Buck?" she echoed.

"He's-" Eddie chewed his bottom lip, folding his hands into his lap. "I know he- he's not really coping with what happened? He doesn't want to talk about it. He deflects any time Chris asks him something, and he gives this exasperated 'I'm fine' if I look at him for too long." He inhaled deeply and then released it slowly, trying to soothe his nerves at talking to anyone about this. "I know he's not talking to Maddie either. She- She stopped by on Sunday, and I gave them some space, but I know he didn't talk to her because she looked so tired when she left." There were traces of frustration in her expression too, and Eddie hadn't yet decided if he was relieved that Buck was so stubborn with both of them or not. "But I- I know he's not okay and I…don't know how to talk to him about it."

Athena propped her elbows on the arms of her chair and steepled her hands together. "So after what happened on the weekend, you came to me and not Walker?"

Eddie shrugged, because it wasn't like he hadn't thought about it. A lot. And internally debated since helping Buck into bed after the party and every waking moment since, including the drive to shift that morning. But…he still hadn't said much to Simon because there were parts of his personal life he struggled to discuss after his reaction to his Mark scarring while surrounded by his team. "Simon's my friend but he doesn't know Buck."

"And you think I do?"

Eddie met her arched eyebrow with a stare of his own. "I think you know how to handle difficult conversations that people don't always want to have," he said pointedly, knowing how many times she'd kept poking him to talk after Shannon died, "but you have them anyway because it's for their own good."

"Oh, so you concede it was for your own good then?"

He rolled his eyes at the amused flicker of her lips, but it didn't last long before she tilted her head and something more calculating entered her expression.

"But you also know that not everyone wants to have those difficult conversations."

He could feel the heat fill his cheeks and his eyes dropped in acknowledgement of the point she was making.

"Sometimes, you need to let someone fall apart before you can start trying to help them," she said and Eddie begrudgingly knew that to be the truth. He'd been there. Too many times. "Sometimes, it's just about finding the right moment to talk with someone. When things are quiet, when a place seems safe. Think of it like crisis negotiation and using your 'I' statements."

Eddie didn't want to start applying tricks from the job to his relationship to Buck. What if it ruined what they were trying to create? Yet he could see her point at how foregrounding his feelings would reduce any perception of accusing or confronting Buck that he wasn't okay: I am worried about you. I have noticed you've been quiet lately. I have heard you struggle to sleep through the night.

"Eddie?"

He lifted his eyes towards her again.

"Be gentle with him," she said and when his eyebrows rose, she shook her head slightly and the glint of amusement returned. "I know you know that; I know you know what it would've been like for him, but be gentle. What happened on the weekend proved he's probably stretched very thin as he tries to deal with the knowledge that he wasn't just held at gunpoint, he got injured by one of those guys before he was able to take him out. He took a life, Eddie."

Eddie realised he hadn't viewed it through that particular lens since taking Buck home with him. He'd been so focused on Buck being hurt, on the trauma of what he'd survived, that he hadn't thought about how Buck had actually killed one of the guys with his own weapon before one of the others had shot him in the chaos.

"It was a lunatic move, Eddie. You and I both know that," Athena continued, leaning forward slightly in her chair. "It saved lives, but it also cost three. That's a lot to grapple with if it's not something you have the skills to deal with."

Eddie could recall Buck talking about washing out of the SEALs but what did that really mean? Had he completed the training, been deployed and experienced something that contributed to dropping out? Or had he left partway through training with unresolved tensions and those had flared after the attack? He wondered if there was anyone Buck had truly talked to in the past, someone he felt safe with opening up to, where he had the opportunity, a space, that was uniquely his and that Eddie could reach out to now. He had a feeling Buck might've been isolating himself from the realities of life for far too long if something had happened while he was in the SEALs. He had a feeling Buck had more insecurities than he let on when he thought about the tears Buck had shed over all his Marks.

He swallowed around the clench in his throat when he began to wonder just how well he knew or didn't know Buck, just how well he was equipped to try to help him. He'd offered to help Buck because of his injured leg but had been ignoring the fact that there might be wounds that went far deeper. "What happens if he still won't talk to me?"

Athena shrugged. "Then you let him know you're always available to him and wait as patiently as you can to let him come to you when he's ready."

Eddie could be patient. If there was one thing he was absolutely confident he knew about himself, it was that he could be patient. He'd spent hours forced into patient silence in the army, and in SWAT he often had to wait on calls, gathering intel to determine the best path forward. He knew how to be patient and then he knew how to adapt to whatever plot, plan, and improvisation they needed to approach a dangerous situation.

But with Buck? Eddie already knew through Shannon that he wasn't patient when it came to someone he cared about, and with Buck he wasn't sure how to be patient when someone he…someone he loved was in such pain. He wasn't sure he knew how to be patient in those situations.

"Thank you," he said quietly, when the terrifying realisation that he loved Buck started to worm under his skin and he found it harder to breathe.

Athena nodded at him, clearly missing the distress inching inside his lungs. "Go home, Diaz. Give your man a hug."

Eddie suspected he'd either do a whole lot more than that or he'd end up breaking down in tears at all the emotions flooding him. It was a war between how he felt about Buck now and a renewed fear considering how he'd lost Shannon. He managed a curt nod, escaping Athena's office and barely glancing at any of the next shift's squads milling around in the locker room as he collected his belongings and strode from the building, throwing himself into his truck to begin the journey home.

Halfway home, he realised there were tears on his face and by the time he made it to the driveway, he was hyperventilating. The fear had left him raw, because somewhere during the drive he'd realised how close he'd actually come to losing Buck, how he could have been stripped raw and flayed again by another death of someone he shared a Mark with. Would cleaving your soul in two with a half-half Mark hurt worse than a completely blackened Mark? He didn't know and it was absolutely tearing him to shreds.

He flinched at the sudden burst of sound emanating from his phone and he fumbled his hand across the screen once he'd removed the device from his pocket, lifting the call to his ear as he struggled for breath.

"Come inside? Please? I- I can't come out to you…"

And of course Buck knew he was distressed. When Eddie lifted his eyes to the front door, Buck was leaning against the frame with his crutches propped beneath his arms, hand raised to hold his own phone to his ear in a mirror of Eddie. And Eddie realised maybe this was the moment he needed. Maybe this was easier to admit all his feelings with some faked distance between them. Maybe it was easier to expose how afraid he was if they could just talk through the phone. Maybe it would make it easier for Buck to talk about how he was feeling.

"I'm s-so scared of losing you," he whispered into the phone, staring at Buck through his windscreen. "I didn't- I was so- so f-focused on the task of taking out the t-targets and s-saving you that I- I hadn't s-stopped to t-truly think about what would happen if I- if I lost y-you."

Buck watched him from the doorway, his eyes sad as he shifted on the crutches. "But you didn't lose me, Eddie."

He sniffled and thought about Athena's advice, about how to use his crisis negotiation tactics to get a target talking and get them away from whatever dangerous, self-destructive ledge they might be standing on. As much as it was a ploy to get Buck talking, it also forced him to confront his painful thoughts and feelings too. "But I- I f-feel like I'm losing y-you now," he said, swallowing against how strangled his throat felt. "I- I've seen this before, Ev. I've experienced this b-before. And I- I'm h-here, Buck. I'm here and I- I love you and I c-can't- I h-hate knowing you're in s-so much pain."

Even at this distance, Eddie could see when a tear spilled down Buck's face. He could hear the breathing in his ear turn ragged. He knew this might not have been what Athena had meant about choosing a time or location where Buck felt safe, or that this almost certainly wasn't how he'd intended to broach the topic with Buck, but maybe that was how it was going to be. Maybe this was how it had to be. Every part of their relationship had been unconventional so why shouldn't this be too?

"You don't- Y-You don't have to h-hide what happened in the bar from me, Buck," he said, searching through all the parts he hated talking about the most because of how Shannon always struggled to listen to him talk about it. "I- I've been in wars. I've been in more dangerous s-situations than you'll ever know or that I c-can even talk about. It's my job to go in when w-we're yelling at everyone else to g-get out," he continued, rubbing his free hand across his face and trying to get rid of the tears blurring his vision so he could maintain his gaze on Buck at the front door. "Let me h-help you get out, Buck."

"You- You've already saved my life once," Buck mumbled, his voice wavering in volume as he evidently fought to keep control of his reactions. It dawned on Eddie that Buck still thought he was being a burden, still thought he was imposing on Eddie's hospitality and perhaps Chris' patience. He thought they'd dealt with it on the drive home from the hospital a couple of weeks ago but no, Buck's insecurities were deep and his emotional scars were deeper. He should've known after the way Abby had left, and perhaps he should have guessed because of Buck's shame at the pale pink Marks that littered his skin. Eddie had been foolish to think one conversation could solve everything.

He shifted out of the car, ending the call and pocketing his phone as he crossed the path to his house and jogged up the few steps to his front door. He didn't hesitate as he reached to cradle Buck's cheeks in his palms, feeling the way Buck trembled so badly that the crutches were barely keeping him upright. He inched closer, prepared to catch Buck if he fell. As many times as it took.

"Querido, if I have to s-save your life every damn day for the rest of my life, then I'll do it," he said, firm and assured even as a fresh tear trailed down his cheeks when he saw the way Buck's carefully controlled façade was starting to disintegrate in front of him. It was devastating to feel like his heart was breaking in his chest and he wasn't even sure if it was because of the pain he felt or the depth of agony that Buck had been feeling but trying to close off, trying to protect, for the last few weeks. He hadn't even realised how out of sync they had become until it occurred to him how divided his heartbeat had felt. "You're w-worth everything to me, mi amor. I'm sorry if I- I hadn't communicated that to you clearly enough but I'll tell you every m-morning and every n-night and ten times per day."

A sob burst from Buck's lips as his gaze fell towards the floor. Even though the sound sent ripples of hurt all the way down to Eddie's heart and soul, he wrapped his arms around Buck's shoulders and pressed a kiss to his temple. Buck leaned into him, shuffling on the crutches and nuzzling into the crook of Eddie's neck as another sob bubbled free.

"I love you, mi corazón," he murmured, dragging a hand up and through Buck's hair, clinging tightly to keep him on his feet even as he started calculating how he could guide Buck to the couch, or the bed, or somewhere else just to hold him for as long as it took until he cried himself out. Admitting he loved Buck wasn't even the scariest thing going on between them right now. "Please don't keep suffering with this. I'm here, I'm yours, and you aren't alone."

"I'm s-sorry," Buck whimpered, one hand snagging loosely against Eddie's shirt. Eddie shook his head, adjusting his arms so he could turn Buck and lead him inside.

The door shut a little too loud and they both recoiled before resuming the slow trip to the family room, where the nest of blankets suggested Buck had been hunkered almost the entirety of Eddie's shift. He felt guilty, like he should have said something sooner.

"D-Don't blame yourself," Buck said as he lowered to the couch, placing his crutches against the coffee table and staring at Eddie with tear-filled eyes.

Eddie pressed into the end of the couch and tugged Buck into his lap, folding arms around him and nudging kisses all over his hair and the back of his neck. Buck shook and sniffed and gripped at one of Eddie's arms across his torso as he finally seemed to let himself go.

"I've got you, cariño. There's nothing you can't tell me, okay?" he whispered repeatedly against Buck's hair, interspersed with a whole lot of gentle pet names that made Buck gradually sink into his embrace and nod against his chest. It wasn't until Eddie realised that their breathing was matched, and he was pretty sure their heartbeats had to be too, that he started to feel like they had synced again and some of the pain ripping him apart receded.

"It- It just- It f-feels stupid to be afraid when I- I train people how to face their fears and defend themselves," Buck began and Eddie tried not to exhale too hard in relief that he'd managed to get Buck talking.

Once Buck started to talk more, Eddie realised just how much had been hidden away during the months he'd known him. It hurt to learn Buck had quit the SEALs because he struggled with taking the life of another person, which made him realise Athena had been onto something. It surprised him to learn Buck's first pink Mark had appeared at thirteen, in response to someone he'd developed a crush on in his History class but never truly spoke to. It was earlier than most got a Mark, but perhaps explained how he'd ended up littered in so many: Buck shared shards of his heart painfully easily.

Eddie mapped constellations of the Marks as he listened to Buck late at night or early in the morning, learning about how Maddie had run off with her soon-to-be-husband at nineteen which left Buck alone with his parents. Eddie still couldn't gather a deep amount of knowledge about Buck's parents but he gathered that they had a distant relationship, and lived on the other side of the country. He learned about how Buck had sheltered Maddie when she'd left her husband, and how Buck and Abby met when she'd come into the bar after a shift at the 911 dispatch centre. He pieced together that Maddie and Abby hadn't met, but that Abby's mother had been sick and that she'd started travelling after her mother had died.

He learned how Natalie had suggested the class as a way for Buck to learn to sit still and focus on nothing, an attempt to calm some of the storms of anxiety that swirled inside him after the tsunami. He brushed fingers through Buck's hair when he finally started talking about how terrified he'd been, staring down the barrel of three guns and knowing it was his responsibility to keep the patrons in the bar safe, and how he'd been able to sense Eddie's decision to breach the building which had spurred him into action to even the odds.

It took almost a week, in between Eddie's shifts and Chris being around, for Buck's painful stories about who he was and what'd he'd been through to be shared. And then he asked the question that what must have been weighing on his mind since the attack:

"What if the Mark is gone?"

In the early morning light of Buck spooning behind him, Eddie shook his head. He tugged the collar of his shirt to one side, revealing the half-half Mark he knew remained stark against his skin. "You know you can't get rid of them deliberately so you won't get rid of it now."

Buck's fingertips grazed the Mark and Eddie shuddered, the hesitation in Buck's touch clear as he traced rings around the stripe. "What if- What if it's not the same, though? Maybe the sensations will have changed. Maybe it's-"

"Buck." He tried to breathe around the way Buck's touch was stoking a fire in his belly that he had steadfastly ignored while Buck was injured, but there were only so many cold showers he could handle. "Once your cast is off in the next couple of weeks, I'll spend an entire night touching it just to prove it feels the same."

Buck's thumb kept stroking over the Mark, as though he were unaware of the sensations rippling down Eddie's spine. He tilted his head to meet Buck's eyes, his attempt at a glare faltering when he glimpsed the darkness swirling in Buck's eyes and exposing how he knew exactly what he was doing.

"Buck," he said, halfway between a hiss and a whimper as his breathing shortened, his pulse thudding in his chest because Buck showed no sign of stopping and Eddie wasn't sure if he would be able to once he started. "Buck, we can't."

"I'm not broken," Buck pointed out and Eddie struggled not to shift his hips in small movements forward and back, still trying to resist the desires unfurling within him.

"But-"

"I know you want to," Buck said, the pad of his finger firming against the Mark and drawing an unbidden moan from Eddie's lips before he could bite on it. "I do too…"

Eddie wriggled against the constriction of the sheet to press his lips against Buck's, dragging his hips against Buck's thigh in search of some friction. He could feel Buck's smile against his mouth, the way Buck gasped into the kiss when Eddie's fingers crept beneath the elastic of his sweatpants and underwear.

"Eddie…"

"I know, mi amor, I know."

Buck's fingers kept swirling against the Mark as they kissed, and Eddie rutted against the outside of Buck's leg while his hand jerked Buck off. It was slow, maybe too leisurely, and rough without lube but after a month of pain and fear and devastation and anxiety, the prickle of pleasurable sparks building steadily covered his body in a thin sheen of sweat. He could feel Buck's hips tilting into his hand, the heat between them gradually turning into an inferno.

"Ed…" Buck whined, clearly on the verge of unravelling.

"Deja ir, mi amor," he murmured, tightening his grip on the upstroke and watching Buck through lidded eyes. There was a vein bulging in his neck, ticking with his rapid pulse, as Buck's ruby lips sealed against a series of muted grunts. "Me encanta verte así."

It was fascinating watching Buck come like this, the way his whole body trembled as he succumbed to the pleasure that ripped through him. Sticky heat covered his hand and it felt dirty, almost forbidden, as Buck shuddered and gasped and kissed him with traces of desperation in his teeth and tongue. He shouldn't have been surprised when Buck's hand returned to the Mark against his shoulder, channelling need and desire and want and lust through that one point as Eddie continued to rub against Buck's leg, his hand still inside Buck's underwear. For a splash of a second, he imagined this was what it must be like for teenagers fooling around, learning another's body, gaining relief from the friction of someone else. In his strict family household, he'd never had a chance.

And then the thought was wiped from his mind because Buck's nails dug into his shoulder, scratching at the Mark, and even though he'd been seeking the friction of Buck's leg, he came without really being touched. He groaned against Buck's lips, something shaky escaping his lungs as his body thumped with his pulse and the aftershocks of the orgasm.

"That…was hot," Buck muttered, lips spread in a grin as Eddie withdrew his hand and tried to wipe it clean against some aspect of their clothes that were soon to go into the laundry.

He kissed both corners of Buck's mouth, bumping their noses together. "We need to get showered before Chris comes running in here to pounce on both of us."

Buck wrinkled his nose but sighed, letting Eddie roll to the edge of his bed and get up. His body still felt unsteady as he got to his feet, and his underwear was uncomfortable as he searched for fresh clothes with his clean hand which was tediously slow when it was his non-dominant set of fingers rifling through a drawer.

He heard Buck laugh behind him, the sound of crutches clicking against the floor. "Next time, you should just blow me, Diaz. Way less mess."

~TBC~