A/N: Hello…. I know. It's been a while. With everything going on I truly haven't had time to do much of anything that I like. I'm an essential worker, so I've spent relatively little time at home since this pandemic started. I will continue this story as well as heal the shattered… but the updates will remain infrequent for now. I hope you and all your families are well. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, followed and/or favorited it truly means a lot. Also after re-reading the fic I realize how many grammatical errors there are and my soul has died just a bit. I'm going to try and go back and edit what I can. Knowing me there'll be errors in this very chapter, so thank you guys for continuing to support me.
Emily
"Hey." Was all I could make out. Whatever semblance of calm I was able to achieve before coming in here was completely gone.
"Hey? Hey? That's all you have to say after leaving us fucking hanging at our meet?" Said Jessica as she, Paige and a few other girls walked up to me until they were in my face. Coach immediately separated and stood between us.
"Calm down! If I see anything like that again I will have you all serving detention." Coach said, looking at them before turning to me. "Now Emily, when you joined this team you made a commitment-"
"Coach I know I just-" I interrupted before she raised a hand to silence me.
"Let me finish. You made a commitment to this team. To this school. That you would give your all. And I just haven't seen that consistency from you lately. You've been distracted at practice and now not showing up to a meet? If not for McCullers we would've lost our chance at competing for the championship."
My heart felt like it would fall out of my body at any minute with the rate at which it was beating. I felt the beginning of what was most obviously tears swell in my eyes.
"That is why I'm giving McCullers your position for the next couple of meets. She surprised me with how well she did. She even beat your best run by a couple of seconds and I know she is fully committed to the team." She finished. I turned to look at Paige for a second only to see a smug look on her face.
"Wait. What? Coach you can't do that!" I said. I hated how weak and shaky my voice sounded especially because the other girls were there. But I couldn't be benched. I can't lose swimming and Ali in the same week. I can't…. I just can't lose this too.
"Then show me that you still want it, Fields!" The Coach said. I hadn't realised I said that last part out loud. "Until then McCullers will be covering your position. Unless you can give me a good enough reason as to why you missed the meet. Because from my perspective Spencer came here and covered so you could skiv off."
"Coach it wasn't anything like that!" The tears were now making their way down my face. I started to hear the other girls whispering.
"Then tell me what happened?" She implored.
There's no way in hell I'm going to tell her about my panic attack, it's embarrassing and even more so with the other girls here. Everything is just so fucked up. Why couldn't it be just a regular week? Why couldn't I have a Coach who didn't expect me to be the team? Why couldn't I have a supportive team who understood that being the best on a team doesn't mean they didn't have to try? Why couldn't my mom understand that if I don't like a boy maybe she shouldn't invite him over for dinner? Okay that's not the point right now, but I'm just so fucking tired. I haven't slept. Ali is-
"Well I guess that's my answer then." I blink back into existence to the Coach turning towards the other girls. "Alright, get your stuff and head to class. This is over." She watches as they grab their backpacks and leave. Jessica purposely bumps into me on her way out. I lose my balance and fall onto the bench.
"Jessica that's enough." Coach says. Jessica turns around as she reaches the door. "I'm just making sure she's comfortable with her new position." She laughs before leaving with the other girls in tow. The Coach gives me one more look before she takes her things and heads into her office. I tried to find the will to go up to her office and demand she pull me off the bench, but failed to find any. I'm just so tired. I feel like Alice, but instead of ending up in Wonderland I just continue to fall. I rise to my feet and sway a little as each foot tries to remember how to function and begin an aimless journey.
I really wish my dad was here. He couldn't make everything better, but at least he would listen and hug me. I really miss his hugs. He just made me feel so protected as if the world could come after me with all its fire and brimstone, but I'd be safe because he'd be there. And they couldn't beat him, not my dad.
The pulsing feeling makes its way up into my head and the sensation of nausea becomes too much that I lose the contents of my stomach. My head pounds even more as black dots begin to appear. I reach out to grab onto something and am met with brick. Brick? Was my last thought before I passed out.
When I finally came to, I had no idea how much time had passed. I looked around to see where I was and my breath caught in my chest. I was in our spot...
Flashback
"Ali where are we going Mr. Moran is going to be so mad when he realizes we skipped, not to mention my mom." I began to slow my pace until I came to a halt. "Maybe this isn't a good idea. We should just head back to class." She turns around to face me. Man she looked gorgeous today. She recently started to dabble in make-up, not that she needed it, but it definitely accentuates her already beautiful features. I can see her lips are moving, but I'm distracted with how plump they look. I wonder if they feel as soft as they look.
A soft hand enclosing in mine breaks me out of my fantasy. I see Ali is standing directly in front of me now. I breathe in deeply only to inhale her scent. I wonder if this is how it feels to be intoxicated? Her lips move again. I shake my head to clear my thoughts.
"What?" I whisper. A bell of a laugh rings in my ear.
"Em you're really silly sometimes. I said I want to show you something. Something just for you and me. But I won't force you to come." Her fingers intertwined with mine and for some reason this position seemed more intimate than before. How could I possibly turn her down? This honestly isn't fair. I could tell she knew she won by the smirk that encompassed her face.
"Come on." She said, pulling me along a path. It was unfamiliar to me, which was strange because the girls and I were sure we knew every crevice of the school. Leave it to Ali to find the hidden places no one would ever know to look for.
She suddenly stops and turns to me. "Do you trust me?" She asked softly.
"Of course." I reply adamantly. How could she think any differently? Something in her eyes changed. I expected to see a soft smile, but the one that I was presented with was… broken. I wonder if anyone had ever told her they trusted her before.
"Ali you kno-"
"Close your eyes." She interrupted me.
"What?"
"Just do it. Please." She whispered. I gave an over-exaggerated sigh, which caused her to smile a real smile, before closing my eyes. She began to pull me a little further. I heard the creek of a door and felt sun rays on my face.
"You can open your eyes." She said. When I opened my eyes I saw that we were surrounded by three brick walls. There were no openings except the door we came through and an opening above us that had a perfect view of the clouds. There was a small bed of flowers that made up the wall opposite of the door. And a small tattered bench that was set-up in the middle of the enclosure.
"Ali what is this place?" I ask.
"I'm not really sure. When I found this place it was full of trash. I waited two weeks to see if anyone ever came here, but no one did. So I cleaned it up. Maybe it was a hang out for an old janitor to hide from the principle." She gets close to me and continues "Or maybe it was a place where people came to hook-up. I mean two people alone. With nothing and no one to stop them. How can anyone be blamed if urges took over? Right Em?" I was gone. Completely gone. The feel of her breath touching mine was almost too much to take. She leaned in and I closed my eyes prepared to feel the pressure of her lips on mine. Finally. I felt her soft lips graze mine as she moved her head to the side and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek. She backed away an inch and stared at me for a couple of moments. I wish I could read her mind and know what she was thinking. She took a deep breath before turning away completely and walking toward the flowers.
"I thought it could use a splash of color, so I planted the flowers." She said walking up to a group of yellow tulips.
"Ali you did this?" I asked completely in awe. I'm definitely not a flower expert but I can only imagine the time it must've taken to grow all of them. "Ali this is really beautiful. Honestly." I say smiling at her.
She smiles back her dimples evident before moving to sit on the bench and pats the seat next to her. I sit down next to her and our thighs immediately touch as I do so. She wraps her arm around me and leans her head on my shoulder.
"Well, now we have a place to go just for us. To get away from the world. Just you and me." She says as she snuggles impossibly closer to me.
We never did make it to Mr. Moran class or the class after that. My mom grounded me for two weeks when she found out. But, I never regretted it because it was a perfect day.
I pull myself up towards the bench and sit so I'm looking towards the flowers. There are even more here now. It's been a couple of weeks since we've last come here together, but I see she has still maintained everything. Of course I'd come here. Is my autopilot set to all things Alison?
Maybe that's the first step. To not make her my autopilot. I mean I pass out and she's my first thought when I wake up? I'm just so fucking pathetic. I mean I basically lose my position on the team because I miss one fucking meet? I know Paige has been getting better, but have I really fallen off so far that she was able to beat my best time? My mother invites my would be rapist to dinner to be a positive influence on me. But how could she know how wrong it is if I don't tell her? But how could I tell her when I know next month she'll be trying to set me up with another boy from church? The only way to stop that is to tell her the truth and I can't do that because I'll lose her and that's not an option.
The girl I'm in love with tells me she can't be with me and chooses a fuck wad like Noel Khan to date instead? I mean if it was a guy like Toby would I still be upset? Yes, but at least I know she was being treated well and that would be enough. It would have to be. But Noel? All he cares about is how long it takes to get into her pants and then telling everyone about it. Why would she want that?
I'm just so tired.
I get up and pick up my stuff. I go through the hallways with my head down. I haven't checked my phone since coming to school, but knowing Hanna I probably have 20 missed messages and 1 missed call. After what happened yesterday Aria and Spencer may be more inclined to leave me alone.
I made it outside to the car lot only to remember that I got a ride from Spencer this morning. Fuck my life. I begin my 15 minute walk home only to feel drops on my head and shoulders.
"Really? Can't I have just one thing. Just one thing to make this shitty day not so shitty!" I scream out. A lady sitting in her car at a red light looked at me before making a turn onto the next street.
"Great now people are going to think I'm crazy. But it's not like she recognized me so it should be okay. That's good. Great, now I'm talking to myself. Fuck." Tears pierce my eyes and begin to slide down my face. Thankfully the rain masks them. I walk blurrily the rest of the way to my house. I reach into my pocket and pull out my keys. I try to put them in the lock but miss a couple of times. I use the back of my sleeve to wipe the tears, rain, and snot from my face. I hear the knob of the door twist. Fuck I didn't think my mom would be home yet. The door opens and my heart explodes.
"Dad?"
"Emmy, what are you doing out there? Shouldn't you be at school?" He asks. I crashed into him with a hug. The minute his arms wrap around me I break down.
"Aww Emmy what's wrong?" He uses one of his arms to close the door before basically carrying me to the couch. I continued to cry. I couldn't speak.
"It's okay Emmy you don't have to say anything. I'm here. It's going to be okay." He said into my hair as he hugged me tighter.
I fell asleep not long after that.
"We need to find out what happened."
"We will, but we shouldn't wake her up. She'll tell us when she's ready."
"And what? We should just pretend that this didn't happen and act like everything's fine." I heard who I believe to be my mom say. I shook my head to try and clear it a bit. Blinking I saw that I was still on the couch with a huge blanket covering me.
"No, we don't pretend but we can't force her to tell us. What teenager has that ever worked on?" My father replied. My dad I almost forgot he's here. I jumped off the couch, almost falling in the process, and ran into the kitchen where my parents were having their conversation.
"Dad! You're here!" I scream jumping into his arms. I feel his chest vibrate with a laugh.
"Emmy you saw me when I opened the door." He said, still chuckling.
"I know but I was… yeah. But your home." I said quickly, pulling away from him. "Wait, you're home? Did something happen?" I look over him not seeing any bandages or injuries. He puts his hands on my shoulder.
"Emmy everything is fine. Some senior officers were granted the option for some time off and I took it. That's all. I promise." He smiles at me. I pull him back into a hug. My dad's home. He's really home. I release him and smile at my mom only to see her frowning at me. And the bubble pops. Everything comes rushing back in. Alison, the swim team, Ben, and the secrets I've been keeping from them both. I snuggle back into my father hoping to find some solace. But mother shatters that.
"Emily, your school called." My mom started with her arms crossed.
"Pam." My dad sighed.
"No Wayne. She promised me that if I allowed her to go over Spencer's house for whatever teenagers are calling emergencies these days. She wouldn't miss school." My mom finished.
"Mom, it really was an emergency. Something happened with Ali." I said. My tone defensive.
"Is she okay?" My father asked.
"I think so?" I had no idea what was going through Ali's mind. The doorbell rang and my mother sighed before leaving to go answer it.
"I hope that isn't Ben." I whispered. I really couldn't take it if he came into my home with his smug smile.
"Don't worry. I had your mother cancel that dinner. I didn't think you would be up to it." He said looking at me with a concerned expression. God I love this man. I hug him again.
"Thank you." I whisper into his chest.
"Don't thank me yet. You have a lot of explaining to do, young lady. I can't keep your mom off your back for much longer. And I definitely want to know what made my Emmy cry." He finishes by pulling back and looking me in the eye. Whenever he did that I knew there was no way out of a conversation. I'd have to talk to him or my mom about what happened. Great just great. We were interrupted by two figures appearing in the kitchen.
"Hanna came to drop off the work you missed today." My mom said. I turn around to see Hanna standing next to my mom with some has a concerned expression on her face. Hanna actively going around classrooms to collect work? No, that didn't sound right.
"Hannabanna, how are you?" My dad goes to hug her. She eagerly jumps into his arms.
"Mr. Fields your back!" She squeals into his shoulder.
"Yes and maybe a little deaf now." He said hitting his ear. She laughs at his theatrics. I forget sometimes that he was a big part of Hanna's life to especially, after her dad left.
"You have 10 minutes." My mom said. I gave her a confused look.
"Don't think you aren't grounded after what you pulled today." She replied.
I sigh and my dad comes towards me and gives me a little nudge towards Hanna. I take the prompt and start to head up the stairs towards my room knowing she'd follow me. I shut the door and lock it once she's inside.
"Em what the actual fuck." She says throwing the papers on the bed and crossing her arms. I look at the pile of papers questionably. She follows my gaze. "Oh. These are just random papers I stole from Spencer. I knew your mom would be going crazy once she found out you skipped. And actually you owe me for this. I almost had to beat Spencer down just to get these papers. She was like "Hanna you can't just take my notes what if I have to review them." All whiny and stuff. Like really Spence you just wrote all this stuff down, color coordinated and everything do you really need to review notes for a test that's weeks away? Like what the fuck? You would think Toby would take up most of her time these days, but noooooo she still finds time to be a narcissist. Sometimes I wonder about that girl." She finishes.
And I can't help but laugh. And I mean the type of laughter that makes your insides ache. I fall onto my bed clutching my stomach. I can't help it, this was the normalist thing I've heard in what seems like forever. I felt the bed sink next to me and knew she was lying down too.
"It's neurotic by the way." I chuckle.
"What?" She asks, confused.
"Spencer, she's neurotic about her work, not narcissistic."
"Oh, whatever. So do you want to tell me what happened? I texted you like 50 times today. Spencer said she dropped you off this morning so when we found out you didn't go to any of your classes I was scared." She finished in a whisper. I roll onto my side to face her and she does the same.
"Why were you scared?" I ask.
"Because Em there's so much happening with you right now. You came out to us, which we totally are okay with, but it's a big deal Em. You then tell me you have a crush on a certain someone only for her to come into school today with a property of Noel Khan stamped on her forehead." I give her a look at that statement. "What? It's true. You had a panic attack yesterday. Then there were rumors that you got kicked off the swim team."
I interrupted her. "I didn't get kicked off." She breathes out a sigh of relief. "I just got benched for a couple of meets." I finished.
"Em-" She began but I cut her off again.
"Look we only have maybe 5 more minutes and I don't think that's enough time to talk about what happened. I will call you. I promise." I say looking into her eyes.
She nods and says "Promise me one more thing?"
"Yeah?" I whisper.
"If you ever get to a place where you think you might hurt yourself-"
"Han-"
"No, let me finish." I see the resolve on her face and nod. She takes a deep breath and begins again. "If you ever get to a place where you think you might hurt yourself and want to do something dangerous. Promise that you'll call me. That you'll text me. Facetime me. I don't fucking care. Just reach out Em. You do this thing where you close yourself off and deal with everything yourself, but you don't have to. I'm here. Even if it's just to sit with you in silence." At that I give her a look. "What? I can be quiet if I want….. For a couple of minutes."
I reached over to wipe the tear that had fallen during her speech. "I promise Han."
Her face softens and she breathes a little lighter. "Okay, we will definitely talk about everything that happened and the amazingness that is papa Fields being home. But in these last two minutes I want to give you something." She pulls out a paper from the back pocket of her jeans and hands it to me. I use the hand that I wasn't lying on to take it and open it. I immediately sat-up after reading the title.
"Gay Straight Alliance? Hanna what is this?" I ask.
"Before you go crazy, just listen. A girl from Hollis came into our class today to talk about this organization she runs there. It's completely anonymous, they don't write down your name or anything for attendance, they just take an email or number to contact you if you're interested, and they even keep the meeting locations a secret from everyone until the day of to make sure no haters can show up." She finishes.
"Han, I can't go to something like this." I said standing up from the bed.
She sits up on the bed and replies "Look Em I'm not here to force you to do anything. But I want you to think about it. Just because you go doesn't mean everyone will know that you're gay. I asked Samara, she's the president, and she said that you don't even have to speak. You can if you want to but really it's just a place where you don't have to worry about people judging you. Hell if anyone somehow finds out I'll just say you were supporting me as a bisexual."
"You're bisexual." I ask, shocked.
"Only in Caleb's fantasies but I wouldn't mind saying that so that you won't have to worry about being exposed. Look I gave her my info and she'll let me know about the next meeting. You don't have to go but I just want you to see that you're not alone." She gets up and hugs me.
"Han I don't know." I sigh.
"Can you just think about it. Please?" I sigh again but nod at her request. There's a knock at the door. I immediately panic.
"Here take this." I hand her the paper. "My parents can't find that here. I promise I'll think about it." She takes the paper and nods. I take a deep breath before unlocking and opening the door and see my mom standing there.
"It's time for Hanna to go home." I nod and look back at Hanna. We all walk downstairs and Hanna gives me another hug.
"See you at school tomorrow." She says before leaving.
I turn around to face my parents. "I know you have questions, but can we please wait until the weekend to have our conversation." My mom looked prepared to deny my request, but my dad beat her in replying " Yes, we can wait." My mom gave him a look, but he bent down and picked her up.
"Wayne put me down!" My mother shrieked but there was laughter in her voice.
"Emmy go change it's almost time for dinner!" He said playfully as he carried my mother into the kitchen.
"Hurry Emmy, she's trying to order something healthy. I've been nothing but healthy for the last couple of months. I need some grease!" He shouts from the kitchen. I laugh and run upstairs to get changed.
"I'm glad you're home." I whisper.
A/N: Thank you for reading. Please leave a comment to let me know what you think. Again all mistakes are my own. Apologies for any.