A/N: Hey guys! I hope someone somewhere is still reading this story lol. Also want to say a trigger warning for self-harm. If this is something that may trigger you please skip that part of the story. I'll put a warning when it comes up as well as when it finishes. Thank you! Please leave a review to let me know what you think.
Emily
We luckily were able to persuade my mother to get some pizza, though she did suggest that we would be eating healthy for the rest of my father's stay. We were settled at our dining room table when I felt my mother's stare. I knew she had many questions and I really couldn't blame her. Most parents would be concerned at finding their child soaking wet, but passing out only makes ten times worse. I honestly couldn't read my father. Maybe it was all the years in the army that made it almost impossible to tell what he was thinking. Finally mother wiped her hand on a napkin and sighed before turning to me.
"Do you want to tell me what happened today?" She said looking at me with a piercing gaze.
"Nope. Not really." I reply. Probably not the best option seeing as her eyes widened and lips pursed.
"Emily Catherine Fields you will tell me what happened right this instance!" She said, looking ready to stand up in a moment's notice. I sigh, but stay resigned to say nothing. What could I say? Hey mom I'm gay, oh and in love with my best friend. Oh and my attempted rapist seems to have some weird fascination of tormenting me. Oh and you know how we're all riding on me getting a swim scholarship to at least pay for college? Well, I got benched for the next couple of games and may be be losing my spot on the-
I feel calming hands on my shoulders and am immediately brought out of my head. My father is now standing behind me rubbing soothing circles with his thumbs. I hadn't noticed that my breathing had increased or that I was holding the fork in my hand so tightly that when I finally released it there was a dark indentation in its place. My father moves and goes to put a chair right next to me and turn mine so I was facing his direction and not my mother who was straight across from me.
"Emmy, I know you may not want to talk right now." He begins. "Wayne -" My mother goes to interrupt, but he just holds his hand up to silence her, not once looking away from me.
"Emmy, your mother and I are just worried. Can you understand why we might be?" He says gently. I can only nod my head and keep it down so I don't have to look him in the eye. It's so hard. So hard not being truthful, especially with him. "So we need to talk about this, because I can't get the image of my little girl fainting into my arms out of my head and I need to know if someone hurt you. So I can go and hurt them." He said seriously, putting a hand under my chin so I was looking him directly in the eyes.
"I-I-I just don't." I stop abruptly as a sob makes it way into my throat.
"What don't you want Emmy?" He says and his eyes are so kind. The same eyes that filled with pride the first time I finished my lap in the pool. The same eyes that got so angry in my seventh grade year and told Eddy Thorne that if he tried to look up my dress again he wouldn't be able to see again. The same eyes that had tears in them when I performed my first song.
"I don't want you to hate me." I say, tears fully falling down my face at this point. He gently wipes them away before pulling me into a warm hug. "Ang maganda kong anak na babae. I could never and I mean NEVER hate you." He pulls back to look me in the eyes again. "I have saved countless lives and helped numerous people, but do you know what my greatest achievement is?" I shake my head. He just chuckles "It's you. My greatest accomplishment in this world is helping in the creation of such a beautiful and amazing girl. The moment I saw you I knew I could never have a better moment or see anything more beautiful than you."
This only made me cry harder. "I know-" He clears his throat " I know I haven't been there for you as much as I should and everytime I see you I am in awe of the phenomenal women you are becoming. So, whatever it is I promise you I will not hate you Emmy. That could never be an option." He finishes looking at me earnestly.
What do I possibly say to that? How could I lie to him when he's being so sincere? No, he hasn't been around all the time, but he's still the best dad a girl could have. I can't lie. I have to tell him. Just rip it off like a bandaid. Say it fast and get it over with.
"I'm gay." I blurt. He gives me a strange look and I start hyperventilating. He hates me now. I look over at my mother and her look resembles my father. They both hate me. They'll kick me out and tell me never to come back. He lied. He said he'd never hate me but he does.
"Emmy calm down. We didn't hear what you said. Do you mind saying it again?" He said.
I take a deep breath and use the napkins to wipe away my tears. I pull away from him and stand close to the wall, wrapping my arms around myself. My father stands and starts to approach me but I signal him to stand still. I look at both of my parents, knowing I probably look insane with the amount of crying I've subjected them to in the last day. I was never an over emotional, just the opposite really. So this must be freaking them out. I chuckle a little at the idea, which only makes them look more bewilderedly at me. Band Aid. Just rip it off.
"I'm gay." I say quietly, though loud enough for them both to hear. My mother looked aghast. My father leans heavily on the chair next to him.
"And what happened next?" Hanna said, getting another spoonful of cookie dough ice cream. We were laying on our stomachs on the floor with a fort of pillows and blankets over us. We used to do this all the time when we were younger and wanted to hide from the world. Whenever my dad would leave to go overseas or when Hanna's father left to be with another woman, we'd build a fort and just talk.
"My mom pretty much started yelling at me that I was confused and just didn't have any experience with boys and then starting on how being gay wasn't right and disgusting, which is when my dad starting yelling at my mom to not call me those things. He packed me up in the car and told me he needed a couple of hours so he could talk to my mom. He told your mom something before he hugged me and told me he loved me, but I could tell he wasn't happy." I sigh, digging my spoon into the ice cream to get more. Maybe I could drown myself in cookie dough.
"You know you're not right?" She says her hand covering mine. I just look away. "Emily Fields you are my beautiful best friend who happens to like girls. That doesn't make you disgusting or wrong, okay. You are amazing and so strong. I have half a mind to go over to your house and give your mother a piece of my mind." She says, looking like she was going to do just that. I grab her hand.
"Han please don't. It'll just make things worse. Please, for me." She sighs but nods. I see her go to ask something else but cut her off.
"Han can we just not talk about it anymore today. I'm going to have to do so much to deal with when I get home I just want to discuss something else." I say as I pull a pillow and snuggle into it.
"Soooooo Alison…" She trailed off.
"Fuck no Han. I can't." I say as the mere thought of her makes me want to curl up and cry in the corner and I am so done crying today. At least I hope so. She holds her hands up in surrender.
"So what do you want to talk about?" She prods.
I sit up remembering something. "Do you think Spence has a drug problem?" She almost chokes on a spoonful of cookie dough.
"Spence? As in our Spencer?" I nod. "The same Spencer who pretty much runs every club at school?" I nod my head again. "The same Spencer who ran a whole campaign on the harmful effects of drugs after Joe Dapriro got into a car accident after while high on something?"
I sigh "Yes Han the only Spencer we know."
"No never. Could you imagine Spencer on drugs? I don't think her ONA could handle it." She says and I look at her confused. "You mean her OCD?" I asked. "Nope, her ONA. Overly neurotic attitude." She laughs at her own joke and I couldn't help but chuckle with her.
"Why would you even ask?" She says.
"Well, A-Alison said some stuff to her about it and she seemed really spooked that Alison knew." I said trying to remember her reaction. I was a little distracted by Alison's.
"Maybe she was just spooked by Alsion's bullshit. She can get to the best of people Em." She says softly.
"I know, but I don't think so. Spence is usually the one to call Alison out on her BS and she didn't deny it Han. She just looked scared and kind of ran away." I finished. She was starting to look concerned. Spencer running away was not a picture you'd often see. She picks up her phone and begins texting.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"I'm asking Spencer if she's a crackhead." I immediately jump to snatch Hanna's phone out of her hand, but she just rolls over and laughs.
"Chill out Em. I'm just telling the girls that we need an emergency sleepover. I'll just say that you came out to your parents and need our help and we can confront her on it then." She says, finishing her text. I look at her in mild surprise.
"What? I'm not just a pretty face you know. I have some tact." She says as she flips her hair. I give her a face that could only be read as "Since when".
"Okay, I'm learning to have tact." She amends. I laugh and she picks up a pillow and slams it in my face.
I let the shock encompass me for a second before picking up a pillow and saying "You better run." She didn't manage to get far before I was able to tackle her onto the bed, climb on top of her and say "Now apologize." I said holding my pillow up threateningly. She opens her mouth and replies "Ooh Emmy I didn't know you were so kinky. I like it!" She moves suggestively under me and I just cringe and hit her with the pillow. She bursts into laughter, choking through it to say "At least we now know you're a top." I raise the pillow fully ready to hit her again when Ms. Marin walks through the door.
"Girls it's almost midnight. Time to go to sleep. You have school in the morning and I have work." She looked around the mess of the room and looked at Hanna who could only shrug. She closed the door shaking her head. Hanna pulled me over to her bed and we laid down. She began to stroke my hair.
"It'll be okay Emmy." I honestly wish I could believe her.
I wake up to Ms. Marin shaking me. Not really sure when I feel asleep. Hanna seemed to fall as soon as her head hit the pillow. "Sorry to wake you extra early, but Emily, your dad is outside." I look over to see Hanna half haphazardly hanging off the bed snoring as if her life depended on it. The clock next to her shows it's only 6:00AM.
"Thank you, will you tell Hanna that I'll talk to her later." I say collecting my stuff, which really was just my phone. She nods and leads me downstairs. My anxiety starts to build at the thought of me seeing my father and got worse at the thought of seeing my mother. I stop just before the door and look out the window next to it. My father was leaning against his red 1970 Chevrolet Monte Carlo.
Flashback
"Emmy, pass me the wrench." He said pointing to a weird looking metal object. I walked over and picked it up, though I needed to use both hands, and bring it over to him. He picked me and the weird tool up.
"Wow daddy you're really strong." He just laughed. "Well Emmy you're only about 80lbs, so you're very light."
"Hanna says men shouldn't discuss our weight." That brought a loud laugh out of him that made me want to laugh, so I did. "I'll have to tell Ashley that one. Now Emmy, do you want to help me?" He said nodding to the car in front of us. I looked at it pretty unimpressed. It looked really dirty and had a weird smell. "But daddy it's so ugly how can we fix it?" I said unsure.
"Well Emmy, sometimes things just need a little hard work. Just because something may be ugly or not look the best now doesn't mean it can't be something beautiful. It just needs someone to show it how to be. Someone willing to put the work in and show the world how wonderful it could be. And just because you might find something ugly doesn't mean it's not treasured by someone else Emmy. Do you understand?"
I scrunch my face up and reply "Like a butterfly daddy? How they are not always butterflies, but grow up to be really pretty. Or how Hanna likes pink and sparkles, but I like blue. But she finds it pretty so I should be nice. Is that what you mean daddy?"
"Exactly. You're so smart." He throws me in the air a bit causing me to laugh. "Okay, so do you want to help me fix it up?" I nod enthusiastically. "Don't worry car, we'll make everyone see how beautiful you are."
He kissed my hair and we worked on it pretty much all day and every day after that until he had to go back overseas. Every year since we worked on it until we finished it up a couple years back. I even got to name her once we were done.
"Emily? Are you okay?" Ms. Marin askes with a concerned expression.
"Yeah, sorry I just zoned out."
"You know. I'm not sure what's going on with you and your parents, but they are wonderful people and you're a wonderful daughter. I'm sure whatever it is will get solved." I give her a small smile in thanks before opening the door and walking towards my father. He looks up the moment I'm near. I don't get closer, which makes him sigh slowly. He starts to slowly walk closer to me. Once he was close enough he pulled me into his arms. I'm not sure how long we stood there before he finally pulled back and said "Comeon, let's hop in Delores." I silently follow him and get in on the passenger side. Once I was all buckled in he started to drive. We stay quiet for a couple of minutes before he breaks the silence.
"Emmy, I'm sorry." I was kind of shocked. I wasn't really expecting him to apologize for anything. "Can we start over?" seeing my confused expression he continues "To last night when you told us you were- you are gay." I remain silent not really knowing what to say. "What I should've said was that Emmy, I don't hate you. I could never. You being gay doesn't change that in the slighest. I won't lie to you and say that I'm completely thrilled or even really know how to approach this situation. But if being gay is apart of you…. Then Emmy I find it beautiful." I look at him in shock and he pulls over so he could fully face me.
"You are my amazing and wonderful daughter and I could never love you less for something that's inherently you. Like I said I'm not completely thrilled but that's my issue Emmy. My issue for placing my expectations on you and not just allowing you to develop into the beautiful women you're becoming. I read a little online last night and saw a lot of stories of kids who were kicked out by their families or kil-killed themselves because of this Emmy and I don't want to lose you." He said and I could see tears in his eyes. I have never seen my father cry before so naturally I started to shed my own tears. I really didn't think I could cry this fucking much within the period of a day.
"I have a lot more to read, but I want to Emmy. I want to know this side of you. And I feel terrible that you had to hide it for so long. So I'm sorry." He finishes. I unbuckle my seatbelt and launch myself at him. Well the best I could while in Delores. I pull away and say "Dad, I-thank you. You don't know what this means to me." He smiles, wipes away any fallen tears and pulls off into the road.
"Dad? What about mom?" I ask nervously.
"Emmy your mom." He sighs before continuing "Your mom is having a very hard time with this. She doesn't really understand." I turn my head so it's leaning on the window.
"Where are we going?" I ask quietly, not taking my gaze off of the scenery.
" I thought you and I could have a little vacation while I'm here and you could tell me a little bit more about it. You know being uh... gay." I could tell what he wasn't saying. He wanted to give my mom some time to cool off before he brought me back into the house. Though I could see how uncomfortable he was, it made all the difference in the world that he was trying.
"What about school?"
"I'll give them a call later and let them know you'll be out the rest of the week due to a cold and have them compile all the work you'll miss. If that's okay with you?" I eagerly nod my head. A couple days just me and my dad away from the tragedy that I call life that's waiting for me at home. Hell yeah I'm okay with this.
"I promise I won't fall behind and I'll get Spence to help me with anything I may be stuck and I'll-" His laugh cuts me off. "I trust you Emmy. I know you'll do well. You always have."
He then rolls down his window and gestures for me to do the same. "Now how about we rock out until we get there." He said, making this weird expression.
"Dad…. never do that again." He laughs and places a Metallica cassette in. Nothing Else Matters fills our ears as we cruise down the streets. My dad looks over at me and starts to sing:
So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters
I jump in.
Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words, I don't just say
And nothing else matters
We sing together.
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters
My dad starts to drive again and I don't realize he's stopped singing.
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know
So close, no matter how far
It couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know
I never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words, I don't just say
And nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know, yeah, yeah
So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters"
I finish with a huge smile on my face and turn towards my dad who is looking at me in awe. He turns the music down as Whiskey in The Jar begins to play.
"Emmy I didn't think it was possible, but your voice has gotten even more amazing." I blush a little. We traveled for another twenty minutes before I realised where we were going. My grandfather's cabin. We used to come here all the time, but my dad once my dad started to come home less and less. I didn't really want to be here without him. It didn't feel right.
He parks the car and we get out. He goes to the trunk and calls me over. I see he's prepared. He has groceries and two packed duffle bags. I'm guessing one for me and one for him.
"Did you get any sleep?" I ask knowing that it was only 7:00AM now so he couldn't possibly have gotten much and did all of this.
"Not really, but we're on vacation so I could sleep whenever. You don't look like you got much either." He says with a knowing look. I just shrugged and began to help him unpack everything and move it into the cabin. Once we had everything inside we realised that it was pretty dusty.
"How about you start cleaning stuff up in here in the living room and I'll go straighten up the bedrooms?" I nod and get to work.
It took a couple of hours before everything was fully cleaned. My dad had finished before me so he went outside to the grill to clean it up and put on some burgers. After I finished cleaning I went upstairs for a quick shower and came down to my father placing two plates of burgers and fries on the table.
"Let me just wash up a bit and we can get started." He says. Once he came back we dug, but I noticed he kept looking at me.
"What?" I ask.
"I was wondering if we could talk about it?" He said awkwardly. "Like are you umm dating any uh girls." He said even more awkwardly, which I didn't think was possible. I couldn't help but blush at that.
"No dad. No girls." I say not really looking at him.
"Any girls you like? Hanna?" I immediately look at him confused.
"What no! Why would you think Hanna? She's my best friend"
He holds his hands up in surrender "I'm sorry Emmy I know that. I just-I- I'm just not sure how we'll tell the difference at least at first. You will most likely have girls in your room and I'm sorry Emmy but the same rules apply as if it were a boy. Now most of your friends are girls so are there any we should know about that you may be involved with?"
I wish. "No, there's no one." I said looking down at my hands.
"Don't worry Emmy I'm sure once they uh know your uh available they'll be lining up!" He says with a small smile. "I mean look at you old man. I was quite the ladies man when I was younger." He said with a small smirk.
"Ewwwww dad. In my head you have never been with anyone but mom and even then I was delivered and dropped on your doorstep in April by a stork." I say, but truly the way my dad loves my mother and the way she loved him is something always dreamed of having.
"But Emmy seriously this is going to take a lot of trust on both ends. If you do start seeing someone I expect you to tell your mother otherwise we'll trust you and assume they're just a friend."
"You'll both trust me?" I say hinting at the fact that I didn't believe my mother would for a second.
"Emmy, I know it's going to be hard at first. I just ask that you give your mother some time. You remember me saying that I had a picture of what your future would be? Well your mother does too. Maybe even moreso. She always dreamed of planning your wedding and of you coming up to her to tell her that you're going to be giving her grandbabies."
"She can still have that dad. It'll just be done a little differently."
"Would you mind explaining? I didn't really have a chance to look everything up last night." I nod before saying "I'll be right back". I ran into the room I was staying in to get my laptop and went back to the table. And we talked. We talked about children, about fostering and adoption. We talked about donors. We talked about insemination. We talked about LGBT rights and though I could see my dad getting awkward at a lot of parts he was actively trying to understand. He also signed up for a military run LGBTA network that worked to support military families with LGBTA members. Did I say how much I love this man?
"Thank you Emmy."
"For what?" I asked, confused as I packed my stuff up. It was getting pretty late and I was exhausted from not sleeping too well for well ever.
"For letting me in and don't worry about your mother I'll talk to her. Okay?" I just nod hoping she would come around.
It was honestly one of the best weeks I could remember having. As we pulled into our driveway Friday I was encompassed by the feeling that it had been the calm before the storm. I had pretty much cut off my phone the whole time with just a quick message to the groupchat to say that I wouldn't be in school. It was honestly amazing just forgetting and to teach my dad something for once. He did make me promise to go to the Gay Straight Alliance meeting Hanna had mentioned, which I reluctantly agreed to. Yeah my parents knew, but that didn't mean I was ready for the whole world to know. It just felt like a terrifying thought. Being judged by people who don't even know me for something I can't control.
"You ready?" He says breaking me out of my thoughts.
"As ready as I'm going to be…" I sigh and get out of Delores and approach the door. As we enter my foreboding increases by a thousand. The house was quiet. Too quiet. I knew I was being ridiculous but it just felt overwhelmingly terrifying to face my mother. My dad sensing my distress puts his arm around my shoulders and leads me to the kitchen, where he somehow sussed out that my mother would be.
"Pam we're home!" My father says releasing me to give her a hug and kiss.
"I missed you." She says. She briefly looks over at me before saying "Hanna came over earlier she said she wanted to remind you about the sleepover. I told her you wouldn't be going."
"Wait what? Why?" I asked.
"Because I will not put those girls in a position where you may…." She trailed off. I see my father sigh and lean on the wall. He slides his hand down his face tiredly. I was fuming.
"What you think that just because I'm gay I perv on my friends?" Well Alison doesn't count.
"Don't say that!" She fumes.
"Say what? That I'm gay? Well I am mom. You raised a fucking gay daughter." She moved closer to me.
"Emily Catherine Fields! You will not use that type of language to me!" I had no idea where this anger was coming from. Maybe I was just tired of crying. Maybe I hated the fact that my dad who was gone most days was more understanding than my mother who practically spent everyday with me.
"What fucking or that I'd rather fuck a girl than a gu-" I never finished the sentence as my mothers hand made its way across my face. I cover my face as my father moves in between my mother and me pushing her back to the other side of the room.
"PAM WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU"RE DOING!" My father rages. I look at him in shock. I have never heard him raise his voice before, especially not towards my mother. It was honestly more shocking than the slap. But my mother doesn't even look at him. She had one hand covering her mouth in disbelief. She lowers it and reaches out towards me. "Emily I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I'm so sorry." She tries to move closer but my father blocks her path. "Wayne, I didn't mean to do that. I don't know what came over me. I would never." She tries to implore my father.
"But you did." He says looking at my mother in a way I've never seen before. "Emily you can stay at Hanna's just make sure you're home by Sunday morning." His eyes never left my mothers though. I nod not knowing if he saw and ran upstairs to get a duffle of clothes. I'm going to have so much laundry to do. Am I seriously thinking about laundry when my mother just slapped me? I'm honestly not sure how to process that. She's never laid her hands on me before. I was pretty disrespectful. Oh my gosh I just told my parents I wanted to fuck girls. How did everything go from 0 to 100 so quickly. Finishing packing I rush downstairs and head to my car.
I head to Spencer's on autopilot and am honestly shocked when I arrive in front of the barn door. I have 0 recollection of the journey here. Before I could formulate more thoughts a body crashes into mine.
"You conniving traiterous bitch!" Hanna yells as she hugs me.
"Hi to you too Han. And do you mean treacherous? " I say unsuredly.
"How could you leave me in school for a whole week without a single update or text!" She says hit me on my arm. Taking me back to the reason I was here.
"Well, I'm obviously alive Han and it's not like I planned to trip Han?" I said pushing past her.
"Well I definitely got the bitchy part right."
"Look I'm sorry. But can we not focus on me. Tonight's about Spencer."
"What about me?" Spence says as she enters the room with Aria and Alsion behind her holding an assortment of snacks. I make sure not to look at Alison at all. Fuck. Am I cursed? I look at Hanna with a slight nod to Alison. She blushes and quietly says "She heard us talking about it at lunch today."
"What about me, Em? Because I was told we would be having this sleepover for you." She crosses her arms and gives me that Hastings look. The one that said she would get to the bottom of the problem and I could see the moment she realised what this was. She began to head to the door and I immediately intercepted her.
"No Spence. We're not leaving until we discuss this." I should've realised she would step up to the challenge and get more in my face. But what she didn't know was that I was having a pretty shitty day and wasn't in the mood to back down either and got close enough until our noses were touching.
"Listen Spence either you sit down or I will make you." I whisper harshly. She obviously wasn't expecting that and based on the gasps around the room neither were our , I was kind of shocked too and it came out my mouth. I mean of course I'm going through a tirade of emotions, but would I really hurt my friend? I sighed tiredly before disengaging and trying a new method.
Making my eyes as big and vulnerable as possible I say "Please Spence. Can we just please talk about this? I promise we won't judge you." Though this argument was made harder by Alison being there. I just prayed that this would be one of those moments where she would put away bitchy Alison to help out a friend.
"Fine, just put those away." She said gesturing to my puppy eyes. I smile softly at her as she takes a seat. We sit all sides of her with Alison being the farthest away. I'd like to think this was her version of giving Spencer space to tell her story, but I didn't dare look over to see the look on her face. Not even when I felt her eyes piercing into the side of my head.
"I don't even know where to start." Spencer says. I focus my brain putting all things Alison related to the back of my brain. I couldn't completely knock her out of my brain, but it was the closest I could get to doing so. This was about Spencer.
"Start wherever you feel comfortable." Aria says wrapping her arm around the taller girl.
"This is so embarrassing." She sighs.
"Spence there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Okay? You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Would it make you feel better to let you know that you're not the only one." I say as everyone's eyes shift over to me.
TRIGGER WARNING
I shift under their gazes and say "Last summer. I was having a pretty rough time. I-We-it was the day of Jason's party. A couple of guys there were doing coke and I decided to try it." They all looked surprised. Though Spence seemed more intrigued. What I didn't say was that I had earlier heard saw Alsion kissing one of Jason's friends or that Noel, Ben and a group of their friends had surrounded Eloise Harpings and was calling her a dyke after one of them found a couple pictures of her kissing another girl on her phone. And that when she looked to me for help…. I just walked away. She transferred to a new school the next week. Or that when I went home after opting out of staying in the barn, I got the razor out of my dresser and cut myself on the side of my abdomen. I couldn't do it anywhere else due to swimming. I usually only did it during moments where nothing else seemed to work and I needed to feel some sort of calm. But I wouldn't tell them that. I don't think I'd ever tell anyone that.
TRIGGER WARNING FINISHED
"So Spence I can understand wanting to reach out to something to try and make things better. I haven't done it since that day, but I have thought about it." Tears start to build up in her eyes. I see Alison sit closer to me in my peripheral vision. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. I keep my eyes on Spencer even as Alison starts to rub circles on my back. They feel so fucking good. I won't give in though. So I moved until I was kneeling in front of Spencer. I gathered her hands into my own.
"It's okay Spence." I say earnestly. And with that the dam came down. She told us of how the pressure got to be too much. Living in the shadow of her sister while trying to make a name for herself. How someone had offered her addy and how it helped her stay focused and how she kept buying it after that. How she almost got caught during a random drug test after one of the boys on the swim team got caught taking steroids. How a girl on her team owed her a favor and peed in the cup for her. How she had synthetic urine in her locker just in case it happened again. How Wren used to write her scripts for kisses.
She went into the house where kept her stash so we could flush it.
"How could we not know?" Aria says, still shaking.
"Spencer is good at hiding her feelings Aria. It's what you learn when you come into family like this. Conceal don't feel. Don't let others see what's wrong and they can never use it against you?" Surprisingly that came from Alison.
"WE would never use it against her but you did Alison?" Hannan began "You knew she was struggling and you didn't say anything until it benefited you." She finished.
"At least I noticed. And for fucks sake Hanna what did you want me to do? I found out two days before I told you guys and I was planning to confront her about it. But it just came out during that conversation. Be glad that it did because someone as stupid as you probably wouldn't have ever picked up on it!" Alison fumes back.
"Alison!" I say. She looks directly at me. It was the first time I had acknowledged her since getting here. Looking between her and Hanna I say "We aren't here for you two to fight. We're here for Spencer. Okay? So why don't you grow the fuck up." I finish looking at Alison. Okay…. Maybe I was still upset about her showing up to school with Noel the day after I told her I was in love with her. Though the hurt expression she donned after I said that didn't make me feel better. If anything it made me feel worse. Fuck.
Spencer came back in and we walked her to the bathroom. She stood over the toilet with her bottle of pills on the verge of falling into it, though never quite making it.
"I don't know if I can do this." She sighs.
"It's okay Spence take your time. We have nowhere to be." Aria says soothingly. It took about another half an hour before she was able to do it and then another hour before we were able to get her dealer's number from her. Hanna said she would have Caleb take care of it. We weren't really sure what that meant.
After such a heavy evening we curled up in front of the TV in our pajamas and put on 13 Going On 30. We needed something wholesome. We finished a bottle of Tequila and half a bottle of Hypnotic and were munching on some chips.
Alison sat next to me and put a cover over us. She'd been pretty quiet since I yelled at her, but she stayed. I feel like in her own Alison way it was showing that she supported Spencer. Half way through the movie most of the other girls were asleep. Alison was still awake. I only knew this because she had started to draw these maddening shapes on my thigh. Why did I change into shorts? Did I have a death wish? I hadn't looked at her since the argument.
During one of her shapes her finger slipped just below my shorts and I couldn't help but let out a gasp. I immediately get up and grab the Hypnotic on way to go outside to the side of the barn. Spencer's parents set up a lounging area for us a while back. I sit in one of the lounge chairs and drink. Drink until the bottle is pretty much empty. What the absolute fuck was that. Did she do that on purpose? Maybe it was an accident? She's not interested in me.
That's not what she said…
Who the fuck are you?
I'm you dumbass. And Alison never said she wasn't interested in you. Just that she couldn't date you.
Isn't that the same thing?
Have you learned nothing from Hanna? I can't believe we share a brain. No, dummy it's not the same thing. One means she doesn't like you the other means some else entirely.
What? What does it mean?
Honestly….
Hello? Great, I'm talking to myself again. Fan-fucking-tastic. I really need to stop drinking. I felt a weight settle on top of me and realised that I had closed my eyes. My breath catches in my throat as I open them. Alison is straddling me. I pinch myself three times to make sure I'm awake.
"Alison what are you doing?" I say looking around. Though this area is pretty sheltered.
"I missed you this week Em. You didn't respond to any of my messages." She says as one of her hands made their way into my hair. Oh that feels so good.
"Does it?" She asks. Shit, did I say that outloud. I reach up and move her hands out of my hair.
"Alison, what are you doing?"
"What? I said I missed you Em. You were gone for too long." She says scooting up until she was straddled above where I was suddenly drenched.
"Alison." I sigh "You can't do this." I try not to look at her. She doesn't respond, but instead puts her face in the crook of my neck and enhales.
"I missed your smell." She says and I moan as her lips caress my skin as she speaks.
"Ali-" I was cut off as she began to kiss up the side of my neck until she reached my lips. She gave my lips a slow intoxicating kiss. My hands moved on their own accord. One into her hair to pull her closer. The other inching up her thigh until it met the soft flesh of her ass. We both moaned into the kiss the moment my hand began to knead the flesh. I make my way from her delicious lips down to her throat where I begin to attack the beautiful flesh. I'm suck, lick and gently bite. I want to leave a mark. I don't want her to be able to say that this didn't happen. Once I'm satisfied I made a large enough mark. I move to the other side of her neck. What? You can't be too careful. I feel her pull away before I'm completely satisfied and she looks breathtaking. Her hair is messy. Her lips swollen and neck pink. Fuck she looks so good. I thought I was drenched before I think I'm more comparable to a waterfall now.
She leans back and before I could ask what's wrong she pulls off her shirt. And fuck she wasn;t wearing bra. I moan at the sight presented to me. My hands immediately go up to touch the soft supple mounds and I almost pass out at how amazing they feel. I wonder how they taste. So I try them. My mouth latches on to her left nipple and I gently suckle it. Her hands immediately find the back of my head and hold me there. As if I had any thought of moving. Though I did want to show the other one some love. Wouldn't want it to feel left out. As my lips attach to this one she moans a little louder. Hmm I guess this one is a little more sensitive. She begins to grind down on me and I just about died. I had to know. Was she as wet as I was? I use one of my hands and slip it down the front of her pajama pants. We both moaned loudly when I made contact. She wasn't wearing underwear. She begins to grind on my hand. I'm not really sure what to do now. So I did what I usually did to myself in these moments and began running circles around her clit.I bet Noel could never get her this wet. Wait Noel…. I still all my movements. She's dating Noel. What the fuck is she doing with me?
"Alison stop." I say and she immediately halts where she had started to attack my neck. "Aren't you dating Noel?" She looks away at the question.
"Fuck Alison." I push her off me and lean down to pick up her shirt and hand it to her. "You can't do this. For fucks sake you know how I feel. How could you do this?"
"I'm not using you Em." She says.
"Then what do you call this?" I say gesturing to the both of us. And I see it. The moment the mask rises.
"Just having some fun Em chill." She begins to walk away.
"Fun. Alison this isn't fun for me. It breaks my fucking heart." I cry. She stops. Turn around Alison. Just turn around and tell me you love me too. Just turn around and say you're sorry and that we could talk about this. Just turn around.
She doesn't.
Please let me know your thoughts! Also do you guys know how I would go about getting a Beta?