I bought the Mutuality Artbook a while ago and while I really love the art in there, one picture always made me wonder a bit.
The more I thought about it, the more this scene formed in my head and I finally decided to write it down. I'm still struggling with writing stories in English, but I think it turned out okay.
The room felt cold.
The soft crackling of dried wood slowly burning down in the fireplace Lelouch had insisted on actually being used and the flickering sparkles of warm red and orange on the floor were trying to proof him wrong. They were failing miserably.
Suzaku watched silently as a thin, long shadow came to life and washed over his hand, when someone opened the door and a gust of air made the fire dance. The shadow – mirroring an unlit candle on the small table beside him – disappeared once the door fell close and the flames settled down again.
Light footsteps came closer and the silence of the person in itself told him just who had entered without him having to turn around.
He wasn't sure how he felt about that. When he came here, he had been looking for silence, for reassurance and for a little bit of, well, hope.
What he had found instead was an abandoned room, cold and with even more loneliness to come. He dreaded the next day, when fear and future would become present and reality.
"You are having second thoughts", CCs voice broke the quiet atmosphere and in Suzakus mind the whole world around him seemed to shatter into a thousand pieces for an awfully long second, until he regained his sense of reality and managed to finally face her.
She was standing behind him, close, but not quite close enough to be directly near him and her mimic was unusually sober. She seemed hurt and … uncharacteristically quiet. There was no teasing undertone in her voice, no playful malevolence and not even the slightly aloof amusement that accompanied her very being most of the time.
He hesitated a little too long, hoping that perhaps she would leave, if he didn't answer soon enough. She did not. And she knew he would be honest when he spoke as there was little in life he hated more than lies.
He sighed. He was far too easy to read, if she had learned to do that in just the few weeks they had spent together.
"I am", he admitted in a very low voice, turning once more, this time to face the restless flames dancing once again in the fireplace that still did nothing to get rid of the deep and icy feeling.
"Are you going to …"
"No." He would not let er finish this sentence. He would not allow himself to even think about that possibility, even less it being formed into words. It would just make it too real and hurt even more. "I promised him", he added quietly, "I might have been furious and thought it was a just punishment, but it was still a promise I know he will hold me to."
CC stayed silent for long enough that she might as well have left and Suzaku went back to staring into the fire.
It was true, back when he agreed to do what Lelouch asked of him, his answer had been fuelled with rage and temper, but it had been a conscious decision nevertheless. Even then it hadn't felt right and it was even farer from it now, but no matter how many times he had asked if there was any other way, Lelouch's answer had always been the same.
And the closer the final moment got, the less Suzaku wanted it to and the less he felt ready for it. The more he wanted Lelouch to stay, to not end all of this and rather live with this strange stage of questionable truce or rather silent war the world had become. He did not want to advance and succeed.
Because success would only hurt more.
This room had been the one only they entered, it had been the place for Lelouch and him to talk. For hours they had sat here and finally spoken about all the things they had meant the other not to know.
He felt closer to him than he had eight years ago, when they had to part ways and he had realised quite some days ago, he had no hate for him left. If it ever had been real hate to begin with.
Suzaku did not agree with a lot of decisions Lelouch had made and he still wished things had turned out differently, but he knew far too well that they had long ago crossed the point of no return and could only look forward.
He wanted Lelouch's efforts to be worth it, he wanted him to stay victorious and be proven correct in the end.
But he also did want him to stay, to live on and to hopefully see his plan bear fruits.
"Can you do it?", CC whispered, her voice so low he had to strain to even understand her.
Suzaku shuddered silently – he almost forgot she was still here.
"I have to", he answered truthfully. There was no way after all they had done, all they had been through to back out.
Suzaku knew he would regret that short moment that would come all too soon for the rest of his life – and he would willingly take it as his own punishment. He would miss Lelouch, he would often wonder why he even agreed. But deep in his heart he knew he was unable to disappoint Lelouch's trust in him.
And as strange as it was, if it had to be done, he wanted to be the one to kill Lelouch just as he ironically had vowed about a year ago.
"You really don't want him to die, either, do you?", she sighed and Suzaku felt himself freeze. No, he did not. His hand curled around the ornamented ribbon that usually hang from his shoulders and streamed lightly in the wind, whenever he moved. Lelouch had insisted on them – being an enthusiast for flashy and classy things as he was. He let go again only to reach for his belt, which was slightly more sturdy. If the fabric hadn't been high quality and forgiving, he surely would have crushed it a while ago.
"No, I do not", he forced himself to say without his voice betraying him. He wasn't sure whether he was successful, but CC obviously understood, as suddenly he felt warm arms around him, as she leaned over to hug him from behind the heavy, thronelike chair that was Lelouch's favourite.
His instincts told him to break free at once, but surprisingly enough his body did not react. His mind caught up and he allowed himself to close his eyes and for once accept the small offer of condolences.
He was still more than a little sceptical of CC and her motives and he most certainly did not trust anything connected to the Geass, but … she was the only one who truly understood.
He did not know and did not ask about her and Lelouch's exact relationship towards each other, but whatever it was, it was clear that he was dear to her. She was unwilling to accept his plan just as much as Suzaku was, but she could not think of any better solution either.
How could they, if Lelouch himself – who was undoubtedly a genius – could not. Suzaku could feel tears forming in his eyes. A feeling that had not happened for so long, he almost thought he had forgot how to cry. He thankfully kept his eyes closed and allowed for that moment of shared pain.
No matter their opinions or views on the world, no matter their future or goals, they completely agreed on this one – and neither of them would be able to change the necessary fate without hurting and disappointing the one person they wanted to protect at all costs.
"I wish tomorrow would never come", Suzaku whispered sadly and reached for CCs arm, to softly hold it and give back a bit of their strange companionship.
She leaned her head against his and sighed in a sad voice. "Me too, Suzaku, me too."
It felt familiar and sad, but the tiniest bit of warm.
He opened his eyes to look onto her hands against his skin. The room was still cold, they shouldn't stay too long. But he showed no intention to move.