Chapter 5: A Wild Dobby Appeared!

Disclaimer is in the first chapter.

Dumbledore was furiously striding around his office. It had been a long time since he got this worked up. That time, he hadn't been so old his bones creaked when he moved.

"What am I meant to do about it, Fawkes?" he asked the bird on its perch. "They're going to ruin my plans. They get better and better at it!"

Fawkes chirruped in a manner hardly stately.

Dumbledore sat himself down in the door, growling. "I'll have to make sure that whoever it is, they don't get away with it. But how?"

He sat thinking, watching his collection of silver instruments puffing out smoke. Suddenly, an idea came to him, and he smiled to himself. He called for the house elves, and within seconds there were at least eighty crowded into the office.

"What is Headmaster Dumbly wanting, sir?" their leader, an old elf by the name of Blinky, asked.

"See these?" He held up a rack of potions. As the elves nodded, he explained. "I have stock of these potions in the dungeons, at the very back. Add twice the ordinary dose to everyone's food, except for the magical dampeners," Dumbledore ordered.

Blinky nodded. "Yes, Headmaster Dumbly, sir."

With a loud crack that would have rivalled even the greatest of thunder, the house-elves popped off back to the kitchen. Dumbledore leant back in his chair, pleased at this. He could dose everyone, solve his problem, gain some loyal followers, and was safe from interrogation.

He hadn't counted on one of his newer recruits, an elf with oversized ears, even for his kin, and a pair of mismatched socks.

Dobby's Harry Potter is in the castle, the elf thought to itself. Headmaster Dumbly is giving Hogwarts people potions. His tennis ball eyes popped suddenly.

Dobby's Harry Potter is getting potions! Potions is bad! Potions is changing Dobby's Harry Potter's mind! Dobby is helping Harry Potter! Not saving! Just helping!

With that happy thought, Dobby grabbed the first thing he could think of (which happened to be a mould infestation from the back of the kitchen), popped down to the dungeons, and dumped the mould in the potions. There! He thought. Dobby is helping Harry Potter! Harry Potter is not getting potions!

Pleased with himself, Dobby pulled his socks up, watched the mould dissolve into the potions, and trotted off. With the Knut he had left over from his pay that week, he couldn't buy more wool, but he could buy a nice piece of candy. Dobby was fond of Ice Mice, and Dobby was pretty sure he had earned it. For now, he would have to obey the Headmaster's instruction. But come the end of the week, or at least a summons, Dobby would be meeting with the Boy-Who-Lived for something very important.

Harry was beyond pissed.

"Magically binding!" he raged, storming into the Chamber, a concerned Hermione and mildly irate Ron right behind him.

"How'd you get it in?" George asked eagerly.

"I DIDN'T!" Harry roared. "How stupid do you think I am, George?"

"Well," Fred said, "We are Gryffindors. Stupid is in our blood just like Hufflepuffs are compelled to raid the kitchens."

Harry started hitting his head against the cold, hard surface of the stone table Hermione had created for them.

"Fred, you're attracting Wrackspurts," Luna scolded.

"Okay, say you didn't put your name in," Ron proposed. "Why would someone else put it in?"

"I don't know! I suppose they want to kill me," Harry huffed, attempting to continue damaging his brain as Hermione grabbed the back of his head, stopping him.

"That's too obvious!" Lee protested. Ginny snorted.

Hermione, who had been managing to look worried and deep in thought at the same time, spoke up. "Maybe Dumbledore wants to use this as a way of getting you on his good side."

"Are you kidding?" Harry asked. "If he's doing that, he's finally gone senile."

"In other news, the crop of acne that's just showed up is restricted to Gryffindor and Hufflepuff," Neville commented. "Ravenclaw figured out a way around it, and I don't know about Slytherin, because I'm not about to ask Malfoy if he's had a zit problem."

"Ron, you try and think about how they're fitting together," Ginny ordered. "Neville and Hermione, go figure out something to keep Harry alive. The rest of us can add in when needed."

"Who put you in charge, Ginnykins?" Fred asked.

"Don't call me Ginnykins," Ginny hissed, sticking her wand under his chin.

"Oh yeah, we're all unusually aggressive. That might be related," Lee commented. "So far I've counted fifteen brawls and that's if you forget about the fact Slytherin and Gryffindor are perpetually trying to off each other. Quidditch isn't even here to create the hostility."

"We've got to plan around the tournament now, and keep Harry alive," Neville said grumpily. "And I was really looking forward to scaring Durmstrang."

"We don't have to give that up! Don't wait on my account!" Harry exclaimed.

"We don't have much choice. You're good, but not that good," Hermione said gently. "We need to focus on you at the moment. We've got two options, Lord V-Voldemort, or Dumbledore, and neither of them is good."

"There's no chance it's not either of them?" Ginny asked, with a touch of desperation. "Like, some prank gone wrong or something?"

"The Cup is magically enchanted. It was a very strong warlock," Luna murmured.

"That's what Moody said," Harry said gloomily.

"I don't like him," Luna commented blandly.

Ron, who had managed to stay silent, suddenly jumped up. "I've got it!"

"Nice to see he's actually grown a brain and the last few months weren't a fluke," Fred commented to George, who snickered.

Ron ignored them. "My jealousy potion was keyed to now! And what's more, we never fully purged them from our systems! I can feel it, I was only able to come down because we're in so deep now!" He swung around to the others. "So Dumbledore knows. But, Dumbledore can't put the slip in himself, because the Cup will self-destruct if tampered with by a Headmaster of either of the schools, right, Hermione?"

Hermione looked pleased that he'd remembered. "Yes, Ron."

"So he knows, but it's not him. Now, think of things this way. Voldemort wants to kill you, so he somehow enters you in – a spy, a proxy, possession, anything – but Dumbledore won't let you die. You get through, and BAM!"

"What's bam?" Neville asked.

Ron blinked. "Right, you weren't there – Harry, you had a recklessness potion! What better way to prime you for it?"

"Now we just need to figure out how," Hermione finished.

"No," Ginny said slowly. As the others looked blankly at her, she started pacing around. "We need to protect Harry. If the essence of the plan is just to make Harry more reckless, we don't need to worry about Dumbledore. Just pretend you're crazy. No-one needs to know you have a plan. Nothing on our part required. Next, we train Harry. Okay, so offensive spells. We also need to up the ante on our pranks, right? So what do we incorporate? Offensive spells. Imagine walking down the corridor. You think you're safe. The tournament's on, Fred or George just turned the lake bright green and have kidnapped the giant squid, or something. Everything's fine, and then one of the suits of armour starts shooting off magic indiscriminately." She turned to Hermione. "There's a way to do that, right? I really want to do it."

"I think so. I might need Luna's help to engineer it, but I'm sure we can pull of the magic," Hermione replied. "If we use some kind of capture… then you, Fred, and George can give us suggestions to load it…"

"We can all pretend to be scared for Harry," Ron added. "Then, if we pull it off the day before, no-one suspects us. Especially not if we initially target our own house…"

"Seamus would love it. He'd also blow the castle sky high…" Harry shook his head. "Imagine that…"

"I think I'm scared of that, honestly," Neville shuddered.

"We still get to –"

"Kidnap the squid –"

"Right?" The twins asked.

"Yes, you can kidnap the squid," Harry grumbled. "Just keep it away from me."

"So what's the plan going forwards?" Lee asked. "And by the way, I want in on the squidnapping."

"I'll act jealous while gathering information on routines and all that," Ron decided. "Hermione and Luna will work on the armour. Get it done as soon as possible, please. Fred, George, and Lee, kidnap the squid whenever you like, it doesn't matter. Hermione, make it obvious you're worried about Harry. You too, Ginny. I don't know, pretend you're lovesick or something." He narrowly dodged the jinx she sent his way. "Bloody hell. We'll all come up with our best jinxes and hexes for the armour and execute it a day before the task. Make sure they'll attack us too, I think, or it'll be very suspicious. Do you think that's enough?"

"Definitely," Neville said. "If I wasn't in on this, I'd be terrified."

"Is that all? I'm hungry," Ron said seriously.

"Well, dinner's over," Hermione scolded. "You already ate enough then, anyway."

"Maybe if we had a House Elf we could get free food without having to sneak into the kitchens," Ron mumbled thoughtfully.

"What, like Dobby?" Harry asked.

Before Ron could reply, there was a popping noise and Dobby appeared smack in the middle of the table, upsetting Hermione's parchment. "Harry Potter is summoning Dobby!" The house elf looked around. "It is being very damp in here… Dobby is having informations! Very important informations!"

"Er…" Harry wasn't sure how to tell Dobby he hadn't called him.

"Headmaster Dumbly is being a bad man!" Dobby burst out into the silence, before grabbing onto the nearest thing and hitting himself over the head with it. It was Hermione's quill, and, being light, didn't do much.

"Stop it!" Harry grabbed Dobby's hand, concerned he might pick something heavier next time. "Dobby, why is the Headmaster being – what's he doing?"

"Headmaster Dumbly is being potioning the students! Potioning the students MORE than is being normal! Potions is bad! Dobby is adding mould to the potions. Dobby is not saving Harry Potter, just helping!"

"I see," Harry said quietly.

"That explains the acne," Neville laughed.

"Thank you, Dobby," Hermione said, as Dobby beamed. "You've been very helpful." She turned to the others. "How does this effect out plans?"

"The aggression is probably due to the potions, too," Fred said slowly. "If we had a sample, we could sabotage it somehow…"

"We can still go ahead with the plan," Harry added. "We just have to work this in."

"We must be careful," Luna murmured. "The bumblebee is extending his web and we cannot rely on anyone but ourselves."

After the meeting, Dobby tentatively approached Harry. "Harry Potter, sir?"

"Just Harry, Dobby," Harry sighed. "Yes, what is it?"

"Dobby is wanting to work, Harry Po – Harry. But, Headmaster Dumbly is being a bad wizard… Dobby is not wanting to work with bad wizards."

"I understand," Harry said gently, as Hermione and Ron trotted over to see what was the matter.

Dobby nodded, twisting his ears slightly. "Harry Potter, sir, Dobby is wondering if, when Dobby's contract is up, Dobby is being able to work for Harry Potter, sir."

"Me? Why me, Dobby?"

"Dobby is wanting to help Harry Potter!" the house elf exclaimed. "Dobby is being able to help spy on Headmaster, or help Harry Potter's Gang, or Harry's Wheezy and Grangy, or Harry's Snuffly –"

"How did he find out about that?" Ron whispered to Hermione, who shrugged helplessly.

"– Dobby is helping! Dobby is not asking much, just one galleon a month and one day off –"

"You have to pay him more than that, Harry!" Hermione protested shrilly.

"We'll figure it out later," Harry said hastily. "Dobby, I would love to employ you as my elf, but I don't want you to get bored, or for you to hurt yourself."

"Dobby is not being bored! Dobby can be cleaning up here – not the fronty bit, just this bit – and helping here and there, and when Dobby has no work, Dobby is knitting socks! Socks is Dobby's favourite clothes," the house elf chirped.

"I suppose – oof!" Harry nearly fell over as the house elf hugged him very tightly. Hermione was still muttering to herself about house elf rights, though more thoughtfully than indignantly now.

"Dobby is Harry Potter's free elf!" Dobby sang, bouncing around. "What is Harry Potter needing doings?"

"Um… maybe could you help us clean up? Leave the dead snake, please, we're going to deal with that later, but you're right about it being damp in here. Don't work yourself too hard. When you're done, or need a rest, I guess you can go to Padfoot's…"

"Yes, Harry Potter, sir!" Dobby cheered, whizzing off.

"It's just Harry!" the Boy-Who-Lived called futilely after him.

"Sirius."

It had taken a lot of work to convince Remus Lupin to stay with Harry's godfather. Bribery certainly didn't work and seemed to offend the man no end; neither did appealing to his sense of dignity, as what remained of it was rather oddly twisted. In the end, Sirius and Harry had resorted to a combination of incessant nagging, shameless begging, and blackmail. Despite his time as a Professor, it seemed no-one had informed the unfortunate werewolf that Muggle duct-tape was quite dangerous when combined with makeup palettes, especially when the palettes had been bought off one Lavender Brown.

Thus, Moony had stayed on pain of embarrassment, nagging, and having to put up with both Sirius and Harry acting in a manner that's dignity was far lower than anything he might have achieved. That was why he was currently peeping into the kitchen, where Sirius was making chocolate cake for dinner. "Padfoot? There's a crazy house-elf in your living room."

"Tell Kreacher to go do something else. Clean Black Manor or something, since we sold Grimmauld place."

"It's not Kreacher."

"Whose elf is it, then?" Sirius asked, turning around with one eyebrow raised as he dumped half a packet of sugar into a baking dish.

"He says his name is Dobby and he's Harry Potter's free elf."

"Good crazy or bad crazy?" Sirius enquired, tasting the batter.

"Well, he seems very excited about helping Harry Potter's Snuffly and his Moony –"

"Why does he get your name right?" Sirius threw his hands into the air as if being a wanted fugitive didn't make a difference to how often people should admit to being around you.

"And he's also very excited about a plot that involves people being chased by living suits of armour, and also something to do with house elves earning the right to carry wands and earn money, so good crazy, I suppose."

On cue, Dobby trotted into the kitchen. "Hello! Dobby is being Harry Potter's free elf, and Dobby is cleaning Harry Potter's Snuffly's house. Snuffly's house is being covered in dog hair. Then Dobby is eating and going to sleep, but Dobby is not sure if he is eating and sleeping here or at Hoggywarts. Dobby is coming back when he is finished!" Dobby marched back out of the kitchen, presumably to remove the Padfoot-fluff from the carpet, couch, bed, walls, table, and possibly even beneath the piano.

"Okay," Sirius said, turning back to the cake.

One problem solved, Remus moved on to the next. "Padfoot? That's not all we're eating for dinner, is it?"

"What's wrong with my cake?"

"There's nothing wrong with it, but you need to eat vegetables, Padfoot!"

"No, I need chocolate after thirteen years in Azkaban."

Remus tried again. "I need vegetables."

"You'll survive. My house, my rules."

"And I can't leave the house." Remus crossed his arms petulantly. "You're going to give both of us diabetes."

"Wizards don't get diabetes," Sirius said casually, sending the cake into the oven.

"I hate you," Remus grumbled.

"No, you don't," Sirius laughed, coming up behind him and bear-hugging the smaller man. "You love me. Everyone does."

"Careful," Remus smiled. "Your head is going to grow too big for the door soon."

"Kreacher can fix that, and if he doesn't, I guess Dobby might," Sirius grinned. "Besides, you also love chocolate."

Remus sighed, reminded all too strongly of old times. "Fine. Cake for dinner. I'm making lunch tomorrow, and you will be eating vegetables."

"You keep thinking that," Sirius chuckled, as Dobby wandered past with a large bag of dog hair and, for some reason, the unholy offspring on a vacuum cleaner and a medieval torture implement.

A.N.
Hello, wonderful people reading this story! I hope you've enjoyed what you've seen of Harry's antics, Ron's appropriated chess strategy, Gred, Forge, and Lee being themselves, Ginny's ferocity, Neville popping out of his shell a little, Luna's general... Luna, Padfoot's insanity, Moony trying to figure out how to adult with Sirius around, and Hermione plotting to wage a campaign on wizard-kind that Lucius Malfoy would be proud of if she wasn't Hermione. I worked hard on it. I hope Chapter 4 wasn't too boring. I needed the explanation.

Please review, it helps me grow. Please review nicely, as it is the only way your ideas and criticism will be taken into account. I haven't decided on pairings yet - this will go all the way to DH, so realistically, hormones have got to do something at some stage. And do you like SlowlyMellowing!Snape, Canon!Snape, or TossHimIntoAVeryDeepHole!Snape?

Anyway, this is probably the only time five chapters will be posted in such quick succession. Spiderwebs was already partially written up to mid-chapter five. I just finished the chapter and got impatient. This will probably also be the longest A.N. you see here. Here's hoping.

Almost Spoilers Below - An Idea of Where the Story is Going

Harry will eventually be liberated from the Dursleys. How? When? Unsure.
Hermione is going to wage war using politics, because she can, while also waging war with a wand, because she is a boss when she's not nagging Ron.
You may have noticed Ron is smarter. This is because I'm basing this off the House Theory of Harry Potter - Harry is in charge of figuring out if things are politically viable (Hiss hiss), Hermione is in charge of the complex, intelligent stuff (Caw caw), Ginny is the physical powerhouse (Roar roar), and Ron is the chessmaster to match Dumbledore (Nobody hears the Hufflepuff war cry and survives). Luna is Ravenclaw, Neville is Gryffindor, Fred/George are Slytherin, and Lee is Hufflepuff to complete an auxiliary team.
Do you like the DA as an offshoot of the Marauders or a separate entity? Marauder DA would be legendary, but juggling DA and Marauding and Hogwarts and Malfoy Mashing would be a fascinating plotline. It's forming and being twice as amazing in any case.
Finally, I really hope you don't mind side-plots popping up. If lots of you do, they'll end up as Omakes instead...