Chapter 11: Padfoot Goes Bananas
Disclaimer is in the first chapter. Warning: Padfoot has a very Padfoot-y sense of humour. R.R at the bottom.
"Er, Padfoot, are you sure this is a good idea?" Harry asked a final time.
"Sure! Nobody's going to realize it's me anyway," Sirius said cheerfully.
"It seems a little bland to me," Fred grumbled.
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Fred," she said slowly, "We are going to explode things above people's heads."
"Peeves juggles swords over people's heads – hey, maybe we should get Peeves in on it!" George exclaimed triumphantly, much to Neville's abject dismay.
"Using Peeves would distract from the message behind it, though," Ron pointed out. "It would be less effective in the long run."
"We can keep Peeves on the burner for later," Ginny suggested, as the twins looked crestfallen.
"Are you sure you've mastered the voice-changing charm, Pads?" Remus asked concernedly. "If anyone does recognize the voice, this whole thing will be blown right open."
"Stop worrying, Moony," Sirius grumbled. "Dobby, a.k.a. Richard Legrande, is on hand if something goes wrong."
"Why am I not comforted?" Remus mumbled.
"Um, guys?" Hermione asked. "Who named Dobby?"
"Sirius, why?" Harry asked.
Hermione hit her head on the table.
While most of the gang was sorting things out at the Marauder house, Luna and Lee were sitting in the chamber managing the last of a weirdly complex combination of charm-work. Myrtle was watching idly, having figured out that she could indeed drift through walls into the secret place.
"I might come down and watch. Other than you, it's so lonely in my toilet. Nobody wants to come in because I'm in there," Myrtle sniffled.
"From the stands, or in the lake?" Lee asked curiously.
"I don't know. The lake, probably."
"You'll have a better view from in there," Luna commented, raising her wand and temporarily activating the spell. "Oh, poo, it's still blurry."
"We might have to make do with that," Lee grumbled. "The task is tomorrow and this is the best we can get."
"The fireworks will make up for it," Luna said consolingly.
"I hope so," Lee sighed. "Or this is going to flop."
They day of the task dawned clear and sunny. Harry grabbed his supplies – Gillyweed from the apothecary, his wand, and four lockets on strings, each marked with a champion's name – ate a hasty breakfast, and raced down to the shore of the lake. Sure enough, the judges were standing around talking as the teachers set up a number of large tents and stands for the observers to sit in. Harry walked over to the water's edge, touched the surface with his fingertips, and winced. He was going to skin the idiot who suggested diving into the lake in February. The water burned cold and he hoped he would be able to swim through the water without his muscles locking up, as his failsafe required he be able to move.
"Ah, Harry!" a voice called out, and Harry turned around to see Ludo Bagman striding over, beaming. "Figured out the egg clue, did you?"
"Yes, sir," Harry answered. "Though I can't say I'm looking forward to it."
Bagman laughed. "Well, what's a game without a little risk, eh, Harry?"
"Well," Harry said thoughtfully, "I guess that's true, but I didn't really sign up for this… still, I've nearly been roasted, and I'm going to nearly freeze, so I suppose the third task will be lukewarm-ish."
"That's… one way of looking at it. You have a plan, then?" Bagman asked. "Remember," he added in an undertone, "If you need help, my dear boy, you need only ask…"
"Oh, I'm fine," Harry replied absently. "I suppose it's Ron down there?"
"Yes," Bagman admitted, looking slightly perturbed. "How did you know?"
"No snoring. Best sleep I've had in months," Harry laughed. "Well, I'd better get ready. Hogwarts Victory, and all that."
"Ah, yes, right," Bagman nodded. "You do that, lad. I've got to go, too… things to organize, you know…"
"Yes, sir. I'll see you later, sir," Harry said, and he watched as the man vanished out of sight, before going over to the newly formed Champion's tent. "Can I come in?" he asked Professor Sprout, and when she nodded, he ducked inside, glanced around and, seeing nobody, placed the lockets on the four seats inside, made a slightly overexaggerated "Hmm?" noise, and sat down, pretending to inspect the locket as he did so.
He had been inspecting for twenty minutes when Fleur showed up, shivering and looking irritated.
"Cold?" Harry asked.
"Yes!" she exclaimed. "Why would you put ze task in ze lake in winter? C'est incroyablement – stupide !"
"If it makes you feel any better, I think Viktor will be the only person not freezing his toes off," Harry commented, "Considering most of us stay away from swimming in the lake even in summer…"
"Zis tournament, eet eez more trouble zan eet's worth," Fleur fretted. "Et I can't find my sister anywhere!"
"Don't worry," Harry said, "They wouldn't let anyone drown – well, not the hostages, anyway…"
Fleur hummed and picked up the locket on her chair. "What eez zis?"
"No clue," Harry lied. "They were here when I arrived. I thought they might be Portkeys, but they're named, so they must be something else…"
They were silent, Fleur looking suspiciously at her locket, until Cedric arrived ten minutes later, pink in the face with cold. "It's windy!" he cried, collapsing in his seat. "And we're meant to be jumping in the lake!"
"Could be raining," Harry pointed out.
"Don't say that, or it'll start," Cedric muttered. "Go jump in the lake, they said. Eternal glory, they said… ruddy stupid…"
"That's what she said," Harry said cheerfully, and Fleur choked.
"So," Cedric said, choosing to ignore the prior statement, "What're these?"
"No clue," Harry said once again. "Whatever they are, there's one for each of us."
"'Arry said he zought zey might be Portkeys," Fleur said, "But zey are specific to us, so zey must be something else. I don't like zem."
"Well, there's one for each of us, so it can't be sabotage, can it?" Cedric asked, turning his locket over.
"But what eef somebody wanted to sabotage ze tournament et zey tried to attack us all?" Fleur exclaimed.
"Would that… happen?" Cedric asked.
"If they wanted to embarrass our Ministry, possibly," Harry said. "But if I wanted to change the Tournament in any way, I'd do a better job than this. I'd… I dunno… impersonate an official and change something that was already required."
"Why are you thinking about these things?" Cedric asked.
"My hostage is Ron, and he snores. I got a lot of sleep last night, and my mind's running like a house elf on coffee," Harry chirped.
"Ugh," Fleur muttered. "I've seen zat. Our house elf's son drank some coffee once et nobody could walk across ze floor without slipping on ze polish for weeks…"
Cedric snorted as Krum walked in, scowling as always. Harry grinned. "Alright?"
"Karkaroff kept me up all night," Krum grumbled, slouching over. "I von't be surprised if I fall sleep in the vater."
"Isn't that disallowed?" Cedric asked.
"I'm pretty sure the rules of the Tournament are just for show," Harry commented.
Krum picked up his locket, turned it over, flicked his wand at it, and put it on. "Vat?" he asked, as the others blinked at him. "It von't kill me when I put it on. Good enough."
"Eezen't zat a little… what eez ze word… pessimistic?" Fleur asked.
"I go to Durmstrang," Krum scowled. "Some of the cupboards try to eat you. Occasionally, they succeed."
"A girl got possessed by a diary two years ago and let loose a sixty-foot snake in the castle," Harry commented, "So we're a little jumpy about random objects."
"Wait," Fleur asked, "Zat was real? I zought zey were telling stories!"
"Hogwarts is like a bomb that keeps going off," Cedric explained. "It's just a bomb we all like very much."
"There's something wrong there somewhere," Krum commented.
"Hey, have you seen Ron?" Neville asked, sitting down between Lavender and Ginny.
"No," Lavender said, pausing in her inspection of her nails. "Why?"
Ginny cackled maniacally.
"He may be under the lake somewhere," Neville said.
"The lake?" Parvati gasped, leaning over Lavender. "Really?"
"Well, it's a hostage task, so he's either in the lake or we're here to watch figure skating," Neville pointed out.
"Ooh, that's brave of him," Lavender cooed.
"Um," Colin said, frowning next to Ginny, "How are we meant to see what's going on?"
"Looney," Marietta Edgecombe snickered, "Are you sitting next to a ghost?"
"Mmm," Luna hummed in response, as Myrtle sniffled.
"And why would you bring knitting? We're watching the Tournament. You're weird."
"Well, if you can see to the bottom of the lake with a spell, I'd love to learn it," Luna commented.
"YAY!" Fred yelled. "We corrupted her!"
"It was inevitable," Luna smiled. "Myrtle, do you think this beanie needs a blue or a purple bobble?"
"This is going to be boring," Malfoy grumbled.
"But it's so exciting! They're going into the lake!" Pansy trilled.
"Lake is cold," Goyle commented.
"It's a lake! We can't see into the lake! We'll be staring at water for an hour, maybe longer," Malfoy pointed out. "Waiting for Potter and Diggory to pop up again…"
"This is why we need magical televisions. If the muggles can do it…" Tracey commented. "Honestly, how hard is it to create a moving illusion?"
"At least pretend to be excited," Blaise said. "This is a politically important event."
"Which fool decided to hold it on a winter morning?" Daphne asked, muffled in a Slytherin scarf. "This is why I keep saying we need to take over the Ministry when we grow up."
"That's boring, though," Pansy moaned. "What's wrong with parties?"
Blaise rolled his eyes slightly and sipped his drink. "When we've taken over, we'll throw you a massive party, Pansy."
"What exactly are we going to do for an hour?" Nott asked.
"I brought snacks," Millicent offered.
"Millie, you're a goddess," Tracey decided. Crabbe nodded furiously.
Millicent beamed.
"Welcome, wizards and witches!" Bagman yelled, and the crowd roared. "Welcome to the second task of the famed Tri-Wizard tournament! Today's task, ladies and gentlemen, is a rescue task! Four people dear to our champions have been selected as hostages and put into an enchanted sleep at the centre of the lake! Our champions will have to swim to the bottom of the lake to retrieve them from their imprisonment by the merpeople, who have so graciously agreed to aid in this task!"
The crowd gasped, cheered, and generally expressed their excitement.
"So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you – the Triwizard Champions!" Bagman bellowed, and the champions trooped out, looking vaguely apprehensive and lining up on the edge of the lake. Fleur muttered something nobody could hear, and the Hogwarts boys seemed to laugh; Krum just nodded in agreement.
"You have one hour to retrieve what you've lost," Bagman announced. "Champions… your time begins… now!"
As the audience watched, the four teens grabbed their wands in determination. Three of them cast the bubble-headed charm and jumped into the water, splashing their way out into the depths. Krum, on the other hand, stayed on land a little longer, waving his wand in complex patterns – until his head and torso turned into that of a shark. Then, he too dived into the water, and after a minute, the only sign there was of anyone was ripples on the surface of the water.
A minute passed.
Two.
Three.
Four…
"So, I told him," George said amiably, twisting backwards in his seat to talk to Luna and Myrtle, "What's the point of a motorbike if you can't do a wheelie in it?"
Myrtle tilted her head slightly. Luna giggled, finishing off the ties on her beanie.
"There's… nothing there…" Marietta mumbled.
Five…
Eight…
"You know what would be pretty? Silver streamers," Pansy decided, nibbling on a chocolate frog.
"It isn't a party without firewhiskey… I'll acquire that," Nott put it.
"I told you we needed to accelerate the takeover plan," Daphne said, shivering slightly as the wind picked up. "Oh, what about green and silver glitter?"
"Ooh, mother always uses a special spell on the glitter, it makes it hang in the air," Millicent piped up over a cauldron cake.
"Are those peanuts or cockroach clusters? Goyle?" Malfoy looked revolted. "Oh, Merlin, that's horrible."
Nine…
"Ugh," Susan said, "This is boring."
"Uh huh," Hannah agreed.
"You're killing my shoulders," Justin whined.
"Any other man would be pleased with himself," Ernie commented.
Ten!
"Ooh, explosions," Ginny chirped.
Colin started clicking his camera furiously. "Finally! I knew I brought this down for a reason!"
Letters were spilling through the air as rockets shot out of the reeds at the edge of the lake and exploded, leaving behind glowing ribbons that twisted into words in the air.
Well, this is boring.
Did you think we'd let your brains rot away to nothing, dear people?
Of course not.
Enjoy, our dear people…
Love, Messrs. Swordeye and Chompers, Misses Pebbles and Stripes.
There was a soft, shimmering noise, as four images slowly formed above the Lake, each marked with a name. They weren't clear, but you could make out water and various plants floating around in all four of the images. They were slightly blurry, and keeping track of four pictures was going to be interesting, but children have short attention spans, as do some adults, and so the crowd cheered quite vigorously.
"Alright!" A voice warped until it was nearly inhuman, but in a weird, alien way, boomed out as loud as Bagman's. "I'm Darth Vader, and I'll be taking over from Ludo with my good friend Richard Legrande. We have Viktor Krum at the top left, Cedric Diggory top right, Fleur Delacour bottom left, and Harry Potter bottom right! Let's see what our champions have to offer, shall we?"
"Would you be lookings at that, people! There is being a Grindylow attacking Mister Harry Potter!"
"Is that a house elf?" someone asked.
"That's right, Dick, my friend, there is! Let's see what he does – attempts to cast a spell – a note to our spectators, most offensive spells don't work underwater as the water actually absorbs the spell – ooh, that must have hurt!" 'Darth Vader' cried, as the horned water demon leered, digging its sharp claws into Harry's arm.
There was a sharp bang and the audience jumped as there was a sharp squeak from the judge's platform; the people sitting there were flicking ice cubes onto the grass.
"See that, folks?" 'Darth Vader' asked gleefully. "That there is a little something to make things interesting. Any time any of the Champions are hurt, one of those fireworks will give the judges a taste of the task themselves!"
"It is looking like multiple Grindylows is being attacking Mister Harry Potter now – he is being breaking their fingers? Cracking job!" 'Dick' exclaimed, as the vision spun around quickly, revealing half-a-dozen of the creatures and a wand-tip pointed directly at them.
"He's in hot water now," 'Darth Vader' commented. "Looks like he's going for the 'run away' method… And it appears Mister Krum is currently tangled up in some water-weed near the surface of the lake. Come on, mate, being high won't help you, the hostages are down deep…"
"Miss Fleur Delacour is just being encountering a larger, bigger flock of Grindylows!" 'Dick' exclaimed. "This is being very dangerous for her…"
Another rocket exploded directly over the judge's table. "Miss Delacour was just injured!" 'Darth Vader' announced. "Look, I ain't her parents, but that scratch looks nasty…"
Lupin sighed and put his quill to the parchment, crossing 'Horribly Obfuscated Star Wars reference' off the list, where it joined 'Bad Pun About Water', 'Offend the French Within Five Seconds', 'Miscellaneous Bad Pun', and 'Say Something About Weeds, Preferably Questionable'.
"Mister Cedric Diggory just collided with the giant squid, looks like it's time to get your eyes checked, mate – maybe you should borrow Potter's glasses? Mister Krum just got himself free of the weeds…"
"Miss Fleur Delacour is not being doing well," 'Dick' reported solemnly. "I is believing that is being the fifteenth rocket from her injuries – oh! She is being returning to the surface! Is she?"
"Looks like she's out to it! Oh dear, that's nasty," 'Darth Vader' said. "She's returning to the surface, but not by choice! It looks like Fleur Delacour will be out of this task! Look and learn and remember, kids, if the frog has horns, it ain't your friend – or edible…"
There were two loud bangs and a shower of ice and water fell down onto the judge's table – having managed to evade getting soaked by dodging the smaller rockets, the judges were now drenched.
"That's the signal! Miss Fleur Delacour is unable to go on!" 'Darth Vader' howled.
"This is making me be thinking about the eleven-year-olds who is being rowing across this lake every year," 'Dick' commented.
Lupin raised his eyebrows, thought for a moment, and crossed out 'Jab At Workplace Health and Safety', 'Joke About Harry's Eyesight' and 'Offend the French Again'.
"You know," one of the Durmstrang students commented, "This is actually pretty cool."
"Don't let Karkaroff hear you say that," his friend muttered.
By the time Harry popped out of the water with a slightly soggy Ron and a quarter-Veela who was nearly strangling him, the judge's table was a mess.
"Hi, Hermione," Harry said, ignoring the noise of the crowd. "Where's Fleur?"
"She got attacked by a massive horde of Grindylows," Hermione reported. "What did you do? Half a dozen rockets went off just before you hit the surface, but no-one could tell what was happening."
"I tried Luna's advice about breathing underwater. Didn't work," Harry replied, wrapping a towel around his shoulders. "I think I've got pond-weed in my lungs…"
"Hermione, you haff a water-beetle in your hair," Viktor noted, apparently slightly irritated at being ignored.
"Ooh," Fleur Jr. commented. "I like beetles." She picked the beetle out of Hermione's hair. "I will name you Madame Fromage."
Hermione blinked in confusion as Fleur Jr skipped off with her new pet. "Uh… you know what, let's go see the scores."
Once the scoring was done (Harry was way overtime but got extra points for 'Moral Fibre'), Harry was promptly enveloped by a large crowd, an abnormal proportion of which was made up of redheads.
"That's number two, when are you rescuing us?" Fred asked loudly. "We're running out of time!"
"Plus, we're much better looking than Ronniekins," George declared, to scattered laughter. Ron made a face.
"Vader thought something along those lines," Ginny chirped. "You make quite an ugly girl."
"I don't look anything like a girl!" Ron protested.
"Yeah, well, like he said, aren't accounting for Harry's bad taste…" Fred muttered.
"Just… no," Ron decided. "You're a nice guy, Harry, but not if you paid me. Hey, can we strangle Vader?"
"Sure, not like I'd date you either," Harry said. "No offense, but I think we're brothers now and that'd be... urgh... How are we strangling Vader?"
"We've got some rope from when we broke you out of your bedroom two summers ago," Ron replied thoughtfully. "If we sent it via a letter…"
"And that," Colin told his brother Dennis, "Is why teenagers are dangerous."
"Cool!" Dennis squeaked. "Will we be like that when we're teenagers?"
"We can only hope," Colin answered solemnly.
A.N
I'm not very good at transitions. As you can see, I do not think Harry and Ron should EVER be found together in Madam Puddifoot's.
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R.R
EchoTheHybrid: :D
EpilogueLover: No, they just split up sometimes; thanks!; ...unicyle?; hmm, I'll have to read over that section...; actually, I used a mixture of pinched Sacred 28 names, one or two Muggle-er names for flavour, and random stars/constellations and dumped irritating personalities onto them... glad you liked them, though; Ginny is a pretty girl who likes Quidditch, therefore Neville should 'grab on and not let go'; not necessarily as you can see above - the aim was to pick someone who wouldn't get dunked under or vilified, because it would be unfair for someone to get soaked or attacked just because Harry needed a date; :).
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