Chapter 13 - Miniskirt-Sized Headaches

Disclaimer is in the first chapter. R.R at the bottom. The secondary poll is up and I'll be leaving it up for a month, so vote for pairings, if you like.

"Mooo-nyy," Sirius whined. "I'm bored."

"How?" Remus exclaimed. "How are you bored? You've given the daftest commentary I've ever heard, toilet-papered a house down the road, dug three holes beyond fifty yards deep, helped Dobby paint a live swan purple for some Merlin-awful reason, and somehow bonded with Kreacher over an ugly locket and a mutual love of stabbing things!"

"It once belonged to Salazar Slytherin, and Regulus wanted us to destroy it, apparently," Sirius grumbled. "And we haven't managed to kill it yet, so we'll keep trying – anyway, that's not the point! I'm bored! I wanna cause more problems!"

"Padfoot," Remus sighed, "How about no more chaos for today, and you can pick something non chaotic to do."

"Anything non chaotic?" Sirius asked.

"Yes, and transfiguring Kreacher into ET and having him run down the street screaming about invasion isn't non chaotic, it's muggle abuse," Remus said flatly. "Even Kreacher knows that."

"Aww. Fine."

"Good. Got something?"

"Uh, okay. But I can be chaotic tomorrow, right?"

"Yes, Padfoot."

"Okay, because I was thinking we attach a Portkey to Harry and link it to a field so after the Cup is won the next person to touch him sends themselves and Harry up to the Astronomy Tower, because –"

"Padfoot."

"Right, right. Sleeping."

"…sleeping? Okay, go upstairs then."

"Nah. I need Moony."

Remus frowned, then blinked. "… OH."

"Yep! Come on!"

"Gay."

"Same to you." Sirius shot him a wide grin.

"I appreciate a girl just fine, you know."

"Mmhm, but there's ME."

"You're an idiot – and didn't we have this argument in seventh year?"

"Uh huh, but you love me because I'm hot."

"That's not it – PADFOOT, PUT ME DOWN!"

"Less talking, more sleeping!" Sirius yelled over his shoulder, as the other man hastily adjusted himself to be less upside-down and more stable. "We're being chaotic!"

"Mmhm, I guess – did you just wiggle your eyebrows?! Sirius, do that again and it's not happening, I swear to Merlin!"

"Spoilsport."

Harry shivered.

"Are you alright?" Cedric asked.

"Yeah, I just felt like I should be glad I'm at Hogwarts," Harry muttered. "Maybe I'm just cold? I don't know…"

"I vood get those feelings ven I vos younger," Krum said. "Usually ven I vos at Quidditch and my classmates vere getting drunk. Or playing – vot you call it here? Truth or dare."

"Or when you were going to face a maze full of murderous beasts?" Fleur asked.

"Hagrid had better not bring the Skrewts," Cedric growled under his breath.

"Oh, Merlin, please no," Harry moaned. "We still haven't figured out how they eat and I don't want to know!"

"Ze what?" Fleur asked. "What eez a Skrewt?"

"A cross between a manticore and a fire crab," Harry said flatly.

Krum swore under his breath. "You think ve may be attacked by that?"

"It's possible," Cedric sighed. "Hagrid doesn't know the difference between a kitten and a nundu, so…"

"Well, 'ow about we stick togezzer?" Fleur asked. "We can duel at ze end, or somezing like zat."

"I suppose," Harry said. "Or grab the cup at the same time. Or, you know, debate. I don't want it."

"Good, ve use you as the human shield," Viktor said with a grin.

Cedric facepalmed. Glitter went everywhere.

"ORDER!" Dumbledore bellowed. "Miss Emma, I really don't see why this law should be debated."

"There is no concordance with our current laws that forces me to be silent, Chief Warlock," Emma said testily.

"This is a clear attempt to undermine the Ministry!" Umbridge shrilled.

"Shut up!" Adonis called out, bored. "The real Lords are speaking here! Hold your tongue!"

Circe giggled and shuffled her papers. "This is interesting."

Augusta shook her head in exasperation at the entire thing.

"Chief Warlock," Emma said calmly, "I stand before you today in an institution steeped in history. I find it deeply concerning that the Ministry sees fit to erase that history, should it feel it necessary, and I see a real danger of bias."

"Nonsense!" Fudge snapped. "This is a necessary part of Ministry reform."

Emma sighed. "Well then, I secede the floor to Circe Lovegood, who has the evidence."

"Evidence of what?!" Umbridge yelled. "This is outrageous, girl!"

"Ahem!" Circe coughed, bouncing down to the floor holding a large stack of papers. "As the current holder of the Lovegood seat, I find myself required to ensure that Wrackspurts do not infest the current Wizengamot, and I find the situation concerning. After all, they make the brains of those around fuzzy, which is not ideal."

"…what?" Lord Abbot whispered.

"She's insane," Adonis whispered back. "But good. I had a look over those notes, they're… eye opening, once you get past the. Well. Wrackspurts."

"I examined the information associated with a number of families closely connected to the current seats," Circe sing-songed. "Under the proposed new law, the Ministry could re-assign seats within the family, up to second cousins. In some houses, this might take the pressure off young heirs and allow them to step to the side without losing their call to the seat."

That was absolute twaddle, considering the reassignment would be permanent, but better look thorough than biased.

"But! The Nargles informed me I should dig deeper!" Circe declared. "And I found a number of inconsistencies! First of all, this Wizengamot that sits before me could be condensed into half the number of seats, all on the light side of government, or one third of the seats, all on the dark! This is a concern in itself, as the law does not guarantee a successor have the same political preference. Secondly, this law had three spelling mistakes. And thirdly, this law would allow governing bodies to overstep the minister, provided they controlled a small portion of the current Wizengamot."

There was a stunned silence.

"Also, five seats could be reassigned to the very witch who protested our motion against the law," Circe added on matter-of-factly. "Despite not having a direct claim, Madam Umbridge would be able to take on Potter, Duguay, Malfoy, Black, and Davis."

Lord Davis spat out his tea. "WHAT?!"

"I forgot about that," Circe said absently. "I should have had Titus remind me. Oh well."

Fudge puffed himself up, glaring at his undersecretary. "What does she mean, this law could allow people to just step over me?!"

"Nothing, Cornelius! She's lying!" Umbridge squealed.

"Actually, Lovegood is right for once," Lucius Malfoy drawled slowly, reading over the bill once again. "A number of prominent families would lose not only their seats, but their House Vaults. Is this an attempt to wrest power from the Wizengamot?"

"If it helps," Adonis called out, swinging his legs idly, "The Bill also allows the Ancestral Home to be repossessed. It's hidden in Page 18, Section 48, Subsection A. I don't know but it's a long Act with a lot of confusing bits, Minister, so I don't blame you for letting it slip through."

It took all of two minutes for the motion to be stomped on and the Wizengamot to loudly demand the removal of the Undersecretary. As they stepped out to the sound of Fudge hastily acquiescing and Umbridge shrieking, Emma turned to Adonis. "Do you feel like we just dodged a bullet?"

"More like an AK to the face," Adonis snorted.

"I got the law to make forcing people to stop wearing pink miniskirts on Thursdays illegal passed!" Circe cheered.

"Oh, no," Adonis groaned. "I'm wearing a pink miniskirt on Thursday, aren't I?"

"What about blue?" Emma asked. "I don't like the pink one La - Flower grew out of."

"Blue is Monday lunchtimes," Circe chirped, skipping off. "Come on, Neville and Lee want a dead ibis for a potion."

"Hey, Lavender," Hermione said. "You know that blue skirt that's too small for you?"

"Mm?" Lavender replied, mouth full of hairpins.

"Can I borrow it?"

"Wha' fo'?" Lavender asked. "I tho' y' didn' li' mini-s'ir's."

"I don't, but someone recently put a law through the Wizengamot that makes it illegal for people to force someone to take one off during Monday lunchtimes, so I thought I'd try one out?"

"'ealy?"

"Yes, and one for pink skirts on Thursdays. I thought I could borrow that small one of yours for Harry, since he doesn't have hips to speak of…"

"O'ay," Lavender said, shoving two of the clips into her hair. "Bu' I know you're ge'ing ou' of the castle. I wan' you to buy me a size 8 pink one, o'ay?"

"I'm – okay," Hermione conceded. "But I'm not getting out of the castle."

"Sure," Lavender replied, and went back to her hair.

"Neville," Dean asked, "Why does the dorm smell like dead bird?"

"No clue," Neville lied cheerfully. "Have you considered air freshener? Anyway, I need to go check if Lavender's package has arrived yet."

Seamus watched the other boy trot off down the stairs, wiping blood on his trousers. "What just happened?"

"What is going on here?!" McGonagall exclaimed, walking over to where the Gryffindor table was sitting, almost entirely populated by students in overly-short skirts of varying shades of pink. To be fair, most of the girls looked fairly alright, but, well, Seamus Finnigan was wearing a hot pink number about a half-inch too short, Fred Weasley's clashed with his hair, and Dennis Creevey was wearing his backwards.

"We're eating breakfast," Hermione said blandly, brushing crumbs off her (black, pleated, freshly ironed) skirt. "Well. George is mixing pumpkin juice and milk together, but the rest of us are eating breakfast."

"I meant the skirts, Miss Granger," McGonagall said testily.

"It's pink miniskirt day," Ginny said matter-of-factly. "And mine's too big…"

"Swap with Alicia, hers is two years too small," Katie suggested.

"Hang on," McLaggen said suddenly, "Half of you are guys."

"Excellent observation, Cormac," Katie sighed. "It only took you half an hour."

"Students," McGonagall said sternly, "Miniskirts are not a sanctioned part of the school dress code."

"But Professor," Seamus complained, "I'm getting paid a galleon to do this!"

"More to the point, The Law for the Prevention of Miniskirt-Based Discrimination, passed a few days ago, means it's illegal for you to force us to take them off," Fred said smugly, as George took a sip of his drink and spat it out everywhere.

"The what?" McGonagall asked. "There is no such law!"

Lee pulled out a large stack of papers from nowhere. "Look, Professor, here – no wait, the Law for the Prevention of Peacock Extinction – the Act for the Preservation of Shoe Polish Density – motion to declare the Chief Warlock an idiot – here! The Law for the Prevention of Miniskirt-Bassed Discrimination, passed by Circe Lovegood."

"Who?"

"Luna's cousin or something," Ginny said through a large mouthful of toast. "Section 1 states that on Thursdays, it is illegal to force someone to stop wearing a pink miniskirt."

McGonagall read carefully over the act and heaved a sigh. "I'm going to pretend this never happened."

The next Monday lunchtime, almost all of Gryffindor was wearing skirts, along with an even fifty percent of Hufflepuff, about a quarter of Ravenclaw, and the entire female population of Slytherin. McGonagall gave up altogether and dragged an equally exhausted Sprout off for Scotch and coffee.

"Why you wearing a skirt?" Goyle asked, frowning at Blaise, who was wearing one that just managed to be blue while sitting at the border of green.

"It's called political subversion," Blaise snorted. "Plus, it's an excuse to get out of the uniform."

"I think you need to wear it a little higher," Pansy noted. "It's almost too long to be a miniskirt, right, Millie?"

Millicent glanced between Blaise's dark blue number and Pansy's glittery one and nodded in agreement. "About an inch. Otherwise your legs look too short. I should know. I have short legs."

"Why are we copying Gryffindor?" Malfoy whined.

"We're not copying them," Daphne scoffed. "They were the test run so we couldn't get in trouble."

"Does anyone know a spell to stop a skirt riding up?" Tracey groaned.

Crabbe made an awkward motion with his hands.

"He suggests adding a lead wire to the hem," Nott reported.

"Lead is poisonous."

"So is alcohol."

Dumbledore groaned to himself as Harry and Cedric stepped onto the field. Maybe it was a mistake not to isolate the Weasley Twins.

"I did not know you vere into crossdressing," Viktor commented, raising his eyebrows. To be fair, Harry was also wearing bright red stockings, because it was cold.

"It's for a good cause," Harry chirped.

"Which eez?" Fleur asked curiously.

"Pissing off whoever it was that entered me into this tournament," Harry said cheerfully, glancing around at the judging table to see Percy Weasley banging his head against the table with excessive violence and abandon.

"Wait, really? Hufflepuff's doing a charity drive," Cedric said in surprise. "You mean you're not even getting donations to wear that? Harry, my girlfriend wouldn't wear that. And she wears very, very glittery things."

"It's only three pounds," Harry said indignantly.

"Eensane," Fleur muttered to Viktor.

"Don't you know it," Harry grinned. "Want some glitter, Ced?"

"I only just got the glitter from the marker incident out, so no," Cedric said flatly.

"Your loss," Harry chirped.

Over in the stand, Ginny gleefully handed a pair of binoculars to Colin. "He went through with it!"

"Is that why you're wearing a shirt a size too big?" Lavender asked cautiously.

"Ssh, he's technically not allowed to wear a blouse, so wait until he's in the maze," Ginny whispered.

"You're weird," Marietta Edgecombe shrieked from behind.

"Does she follow you?" Ginny asked Luna. "It's creepy."

Luna hummed in thought. "It's possible, Ginny. Her mind is full of Wrackspurts, after all."

"I don't! Go away, Looney!"

"Diggory looks hot in a skirt," Parvati noted. "We should do skirt days more often. Hey Lovegood, can you convince that relative of yours to do skirts on Wednesdays too?"

Over in the Slytherin section, things were decidedly weirder, though from a Slytherin perspective, this was ordinary business.

"He really needs fashion advice. That looks awful," Pansy sniffed. "This is why we don't mix hot pink and scarlet."

"What's up with that shirt?" Nott asked. "It looks like he got attacked from behind by something and it ate the back."

"He borrowed Weaselette's blouse," Millicent reported. "The front's compensating for a lack of… baggage."

"Isn't that going to put him a disadvantage?" Daphne asked. "Diggory, too. Skirts aren't like robes."

"They're too close for them to be separate," Tracey commented. "Didn't you notice? All four of them are planning something, I doubt the skirts will impact a thing. What snacks did we bring?"

"I dunno, we left them with Crabbe and Goyle – hey! Guys, over here!" Blaise called out, as the pair came lumbering over.

"Oh, Greg, I told you rose would clash with your tie," Pansy groaned. "We can't take over if everyone thinks we're plebians."

"Not rose," Goyle grumbled. "Spilled juice."

"Scourgify," Daphne said lazily. "Hey, not bad."

"Crabbe," Malfoy said testily, "Which one of you added cockroach clusters and blood pops to the mixed nuts?"

R.R

ShadowDrake: Considering this version of Luna is a mildly batty Seer, it could be either.

Sakura Lisel: By purging the potions out of the body, as seen WAY back in the beginning for about two sentences, the effect can be removed. It's not randomly activated but carefully timed to coincide with certain plot points Dumbledore orchestrated/predicted, such as the Cup debacle.

RebeccaRoy: It doesn't make sense for Dumbledore to have zero progress, does it? But wild goose-chases are okay.

Nerdthatsmyname: Which bit is concerning?

ScoutGinevra: As you may be able to see, inspiration was running dry...

CoolFanfictionLover: I comment on almost all reviews for serialized works. Semi-permanent. Have fun with the glitter, though, sparkly-boy Diggory...

mudblood granger: :) Hope you didn't have to wait too long.

Plew A.E: Thanks! I can't wait either!

danielaine: As was my intention :D