I hope you understand.
... RED PASSION
This fic is my ode to the 6x20 episode (Il Tavolo Bianco) and everything it represents for Jane and Lisbon's relationship.
Lisbon has recounts some facts of his life since dined with Jane at Il Tavolo Bianco.
CAP 1 I wish I knew.
You always know what I'm going to do, don't you? "
"Almost always"
"One of these days I'm going tosurprise you. "
Don't do that. I love that it's predictable."
Here's what a woman wants to hear. "
"What does a woman want to hear?"
Iwish I knew.
Those were the words that turned the key inside me. I noticed that Jane was a little jealous of my relationship, but that would be normal because we've been working together for many years. And I kind of enjoyed seeing you uncomfortable with this situation because I don't think it would be any different with me. Jane rarely comes out of the "character" of distant and ironic man, though charming. It gave me an intense pleasure to see him avoid talking about my change of state because I wasn't comfortable, because I wasn't comfortable talking to him about it either.
So yesterday we had this dialogue where we didn't say much, but our eyes didn't get out of place. I don't remember Jane looking at me like that before. I never looked at him like that. Where the hell would a mood come up between us?
We've been friends for over 10 years. I helped him get his revenge against Red John, I always worried about him, but never before has there been any indication that we would have an affair at some point in our lives. I didn't even think about it.
Well, that's not even the word. I've thought of Jane as a man. It would be impossible not to do that by working alongside him as long as I work. He's a handsome man, just look at him. Eyes of a deep blue that make me want to come close to see why they shine so bright, a smile that melts any glacier and of course, that irresistible charm that makes us want to kiss him or beat him. During the years we worked together I've seen many women become fascinated by the package it offers. I guess that's why I never thought it was something from another planet to find my work partner an interesting man. Jane has been changing this time with us. From the broken man who came to cbi to the man who shot the sheriff went a long way. He hasn't lost all his arrogance, but he's no longer ashamed to show how much he cares about the people who are debuting to him. Now I think Jane's looking for what to do from now on. Even lovingly. Before he broke up with the sheriff, there was no room for Jane for a relationship. The death of his wife and daughter was an open wound, wide open for those who approached. And few came close, that I could understand. Cristina Frye, Erica Flynn, Lorelei. Of these, Cristina was the only one I think really liked Jane, the others just wanted to use him, which justified my jealousy. I've been jealous these years, but I was very close to Jane the whole time. I was like a nurse who wouldn't let Jane's love wound get infected, which could happen if the wrong woman conquered him. Oh, Jane, Jane. So many years, because now you've looked at me like that, like you've naked me all over me? Why now that I'm dating a perfect guy? Or because you've concluded your personal vendetta and can move on? - Teresa? Is it really okay? I heard Marcus' voice calling me away, but it still took me a while to get out of the trance. My boyfriend looked at me lovingly. I smiled thinking about what to say. My boyfriend is a wonderful person, the problem was with me lately. I was the one with my head on another planet. Pike lured me face-to-face, I like men like him, safe, dark. Ididn't think our relationship was going to last,but we've been together for a while. We like to stay together, watch film, dine in special places. We understand each other well, we've never had a fight. I don't think I'm ever ever going to meet someone so understanding. But today I wasn't on a good day. I was airy, angry. My boyfriend wanted to see Casablanca, but given the story of the film we opted for a watch a baseball game, but at some point I stood there looking at the scoreboard and flew. Something very wrong was happening to me, I knew it. Since my relationship began I realized that everything indicated a serious and responsible relationship, as I always dreamed. And interestingly, everything should be fine with me. But i wasn't, since yesterday I wasn't.
I should be celebrating, bursting with joy and distributing happiness because the guy who dates me wants to have a serious relationship more and more. I date a guy who loves me, who respectsme, is always with me and many other qualities.
But all I feel is a chest squeeze as if nothing made sense. I stared at Pike's face thinking about what to answer over there in his apartment room one night where I wasn't in the mood for anything. -I wish I knew. I answered Marcus the same sentence I said to Jane. That was my motto apparently. I wish I knew what happened to me at that table where I couldn't take my eyes off my professional partner. I wish I knew why I'm not saying, without a doubt, that I move to Washington, that we're going to be happy. I wish I knew why I can't just say yes without worrying about anything else. I wish I knew what's inside me, like I expected something I didn't even know there was a possibility. -It's okay, I get it. Pike spoke sympatheticly and I almost felt anger at him. What the hell kind of man is that I'm here thinking of another and he understands? Actually, Pike doesn't know I think about Jane, he doesn't know what our relationship means in my life, even though he has an idea that we like each other. But Pike never asked jane anything about me, he trusts me when I say there's nothing between me and my partner. Pike just thinks that all this is for the independent woman I am, that this woman is afraid to face a life in common with him. There's no telling Marcus what's bothering me. How can I say, Look, Marcus, Jane today looked me deep into my eyes and asked me what a woman wants to hear, as if asifing me for a direction. And since then I can only think of Jane's blue eyes and why don't we kiss at that table. I can't do that to Marcus, he's a good guy. A good man, honest, committed. In the near future you want to get married and have a family with me. I'm the one who can't understand why that doesn't satisfy me. - I need to go home, today was a busy day at work. Sinto much not being good company tonight. I kissed my boyfriend, not thinking about the lie of blaming the job for something that wasn't professional at all. - You still haven't forgiven Jane for lying to you about the trial? Pike looked at me and I squeezed my eyes, like Jane said I did when something deeply irritated me. Like if I created antennas. What can I do to help you with this,Teresa? ? I looked in amazement at my boyfriend. What is the male problem that women always need to say what they want? Unable to answer, I just waved and went home. I needed to be alone and he couldn't really do anything to help me. Not him. -
I came home after driving slowly through the streets, looking at the windows, people on the streets, wondering if they know what they want or if they are like me, undecided in the face of the best opportunity of personal life.
If people also want to run away whenever life seems to want to take a leap towards something new. I feel calmer when I go to bed without even taking my work clothes off my body. I just need darkness and silence. Marcus sent me a message asking if I got home okay, wishing me good night. Jane? Not a word about anything. You act like nothing happened. I heard he went to a club with Kim to try to make trouble with the suspect, which is pretty much Jane's face. Was Kim his type? Did he like dengosas women, always ready to give a pite because the nail broke ? Sexy yes, beautiful, but too spoiled. I don't, I don't have this sexy verve, I'm basic, I'm a determined, strong woman. I think I'm going crazy. How can I allow Jane to be in the middle of my relationship with Marcus like this, my God. Andhere you're thinking about what Jane would be doing to Kim at a club. And Jane must still know I'm here thinking about him. You bastard. Don't do that. I love that it's predictable." I hate to be predictable, especially for him. I'd like to be a mysterious, provocative woman who was now taking the sleep out of the whole convinced Patrick Jane as much as he's taking mine away.
My phone vibrated here, it must be another message from Pike, poor thing, I need to give you some explanation. Although I don't have one.
EI LISBON, ALL RIGHT HERE WITH FISCHER. The MOBSTER'S GOING TO WANT TO KILL ME. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT. J Now, then Patrick Jane remembered to give me news. I think getting mad at him earlier, before dinner, had some effect. I just gave back an OK. It wasn't a good time to talk to Jane, not with all this fuss inside me. - DAYS LATER We caught the culprit, just as Jane predicted. He rarely misses. When a lot of people ask me how I realized to work with a guy of unconventional solutions like him I like to say that his solution rate makes us accept any crazy thing he proposes to solve a case. But the truth is, working with Jane changes us. I'd be much more protocol if he wasn't on my team. He made us more insightful, made us better cops. And we also improved it, Jane wasn't the most honest person we knew. Far from it. I like to think we've made you even less arrogant, although when I see you doing it here at the FBl, I have my doubts. Today was better for me, after spending a night alone I decided that Jane would no longer disturb my thoughts. He was jealous of my relationship, I was confused by his jealousy, we had a moment, period. It's not going to happen again. I even thought about asing Jane to dinner, talking to him, trying to figure out what was happening to me, but since he acts like nothing's changed between us I've done the same and as soon as we're done with the prison I've come running home. Now I'm here having a little dinner for Pike who's waiting for me in the living room picking music for us to listen to. It wasn't an apology, we didn't even fight, but I owed an explanation about d andlast night. An explanation I knew he was waiting for.. I'd say Jane was jealous and acting differently to me because of it. And I, as his friend for years, wasn't feeling comfortable. And that I wasn't running away from giving an answer to my boyfriend's request to changetown, I was just weighing the options.. My runaway phase wasover, this I wouldn't tell him, but it concluded for meonly. For years I was an adect at running away from relationships and explanations, ran away from my brothers when they grew up and I could no longer be their mother.
Then I ran away when I didn't want to make my engagement and get married, and I ran away so I wouldn't hurt my ex-fianc by telling him I didn't want to have the life my parents had. Escaping Bosco's interest was the right thing to do. He was committed and I didn't want to get into his relationship. Mandy was a wonderful woman. And Walther Mushburn was not escape, it was a night to quench my curiosity. And his. It was a delightful adventure with a man who wore a roller collar, frankly, who could resist? So now I wanted to run away from Pike thinking I'm attracted to Jane. But it would be a mistake. I deserved Pike and the life he offered me.. And Jane's not even my type in the first place. I like men very tall, manly, strong, safe. Jane's nothing like that. You have normal height for men. It is not dark, on the contrary, has hair of an Arctic blonde, by the sun tan, golden curls, blond eyebrows, very white teeth. What the other way I'm doing? Erase all that, I'm not going to enumerate Jane's characteristics. I like Marcus and his shapely arms, his sweet, protective manner, his safety. Andyou were living a phase of doubt. It happens a lot. But all I needed was with me there at that moment. Marcus Pike. CAP 2 "do what makes you happy "Look, I've been thinking about your move, and...
I want you to know that I really want you to be happy. And that's the most important thing to me that you do what makes you happy. Ok?
And I stood there,at the door of my house, a bag of cannoli in my hands, with the prayer to the jumps, watery eyes and all conviction to tell Pike that I agreed to leave with him going down the drain.
It wasn't a phase, something was happening to me. Something so strong that I couldn't contain it inside my chest. I just stood there and watched Jane go. My partner of years, who at great cost, I felt, told me he expected me to be happy. Like I knew what would make me happy. Like leaving and leaving him behind didn't give me a feeling of an emptiness worthy of a black hole. Pike called me and I said I was going to be in, but it still took me a little while out here. Wiping away the tears. Jane brought me canolli, a Jane-style apology, I suppose. Cannoli and a few words, a desire for happiness for me and the feeling that he would also like to say more, but could not. Cannoli.
My mother's dessert, the Lisbon family ate to celebrate a big event. There weren't so many occasions where my mom bought cannolis, my high grade at school, my brother winning a baseball game, the other learning to ride a bike, a promotion from my dad. I went years without eating the candy after my mother left, my father became an alcoholic and also left. I only ate again when I first went to the CBl, had a little girlfriend at the time, we went to celebrate in a bar in Sacramento, a place very dirty, but that served wonderful pasta. After years, I ordered cannoli. I don't remember going out with anyone, but I bought cannoli for myself, trying to remember my mother. At the baptism of my first niece Any was the sweet served, my brother said that whenever something good happened in the Lisbon family, there would be cannoli. I never told Jane that, how could he know? Then I remembered. Oh my God, Jane and I ate cannoli after he helped me with the therapist who drugged me. I was very happy because I thought I was going crazy and only Patrick Jane knew there was something wrong with me. I didn't tell him the story, but it was a significant night for me. Jane and I were always ice cream, it was our dessert, he must have realized that cannoli had some hidden meaning. Then when I managed to arrest Volker it was cannoli, not doughnuts, which I took the team. In one of the first letters Jane wrote to me, from the island where he stayed after killing Red John, he said I'd like to live there, that the ice cream was wonderful, but i couldn't find a decent cannoli. In months of relationship with Pike I never ate cannoli with him. We went to a pasta restaurant and I skipped dessert, I didn't want ice cream because I remembered Jane and i couldn't even cannoli because it wasn't the occasion. We ate pancakes, Thai food, puddings, but never ice cream, never cannoli. Already these here in my hand wanted to say what ? . Who am I running from? It was the question that hung in the air when I stared at the homemade package in my hand. Cannoli of Il Tavolo Bianco, made especially for me, as Jane spoke. And he just wanted me to be happy. The question is how much this happiness of mine had to do with him. I made Jane disappear from my head and I went into the house. Marcus Pike looked at me seriously and even as a sermane, he demanded an explanation. One I thought I had 15 minutes ago, that what I was going through was my need to run away when I felt subdued, but now I'm not sure anymore. Minutes ago I would say yes to my boyfriend's request, so that we would live together, but now, after receiving cannolis from my partner, to hear that he wanted me to be happy, I was no longer sure that leaving was the right thing.
-Teresa, what's going on with you and Jane? That was Pike's direct question. -Why do you think something's going on? I came back to the question because I didn't want to talk about it with him. I didn't even know what that was. -Look at your condition! Ever since I met you, the only person who can leave you like this is Jane. And this week you're strangers in a different way, now he comes here at this time. What's going on between you two? - There's nothing between us, you know that. I defended myself. - I know that, but ever since I asked you to come to Washington with me, you look different.. - I know, but it's just that Jane he, he... He's jealous of our relationship and can't talk about my move to Washington. And although I shouldn't, it makes me very angry. He was my partner for a long time and it shouldn't affect me, but it does. I wanted to talk to him about my decision. I think he came here today to talk to me, but the most I could hear was that he wants me to be happy, do what makes me happy.
-And what's going to make you happy, Teresa? Go or stay? And there it was, the million-dollar question for me. I didn't have an answer. I stood there looking at Marcus and I couldn't feel safe enough to say yes or no, go or stay. I couldn't even say I Don't Know. I think I'm going home tonight. I heard him say it and I didn't want to ask him to stay. -Marcus, I want to go to Washington. I'm going to Washington with you, just give me some time to get used to the idea and work things out with Jane. He sat her, understanding as usual, andsaid goodbye to them and went home.
And I really thanked you because I fell on the couch and cried copiously upon concluding the truth. The one I kept as close inside me, locked up and protected as the cannoli bag in my hands. The truth is, I couldn't give up Jane, and what he woke up in me, even in the face of the best opportunity of my personal life.
The truth is, the love I felt for Jane wasn't as brotherly as I always thought.
And lying on my couch I imagined a scale on myhead. A big balance with the words go and stay. Jane and Pike. Go - Pike and a new town, new house, new life, a blossoming romance, waking up every day side by side, nights of conchinha, who knows marriage and children. Stay : Open the elevator door and see Jane smiling and giving me good morning. Sometimes telling me we were having an affair, others telling me that you brought me coffee. Driving me crazy like he was the only one who knew how to do it. And dreaming a little further, Jane and I dining in a fine restaurant, looking at us in that intense way, with no one to interrupt us. Going against each other. I loved my partner. This is nothing new to me, Jane has always had my respect, my feeling. And a love that I thought was brotherly until that dinner where it looks like a door was wide open on my chest and I can't lock anymore.
But I liked Pike, too, a lot, but it wasn't love, I could see now. I could turn around, with everything I felt and the future he promised. But it wasn't love, it was passion, affection, admiration, attraction. Pike was a man who valued me, thought I was beautiful, loved me. Meanwhile, in my head, the scale swayed in my mind. Go and build a beautiful future? Stay and bet on something that could never change? Jane didn't seem ready to have a relationship with me or anyone else. He barely talked about how he felt about Pike. He just wants me to be happy. He doesn't want to make me happy. And Pike offered me everything. The drug is, I couldn't pay back the height. I ended up sleeping thinking about it and wishing for a night's sleep to help me.
DAYS LATER
Pike asked me to marry him. Look, he didn't just want me to go to Washington with him, he wants to marry me. I confess that I did not expect this, it was a tremendous surprise to see him nervous and already waiting for my complete nervousness. That man reads me completely. I was touched by his request and all I would like in life was to have said yes without having a shred of doubt.
But there was the other man in my life. After that night when Jane left cannoli for me we went to solve a case and I was waiting for that weather sometime to repeat itself and change something between us. But not only did it not happen, but in the end I still had to lie to Abbott about a Jane procedure, something that puts my career at risk and frees his face. Something I hate, even if it worked. And Jane knows that. I felt frustrated and that's why I told Pike that I was scared, but that the situation with Jane was resolved.
In this uncertain and frustrated climate, as a boost, I entered my transfer. That's why Pike, when he found out, asked me to marry him. And so I now really had everything a woman expects of a man in love. I should have let go of happiness fires and then told all my friends, but I didn't even have the courage to tell Jane about my transfer, the request, nothing. It was a little revenge for him not opening up to me, I know now. But it was also something difficult in the face of everything I felt inside me and that I could never live with. And then we boarded for Miami,our last case together.
And it all literally came out of place. Definitely. And I thought Jane wouldn't do anything, lookat it, he did it. He really did. A nonsense, at first ,recovering a cold case to lead me toa romantic moment with him. But in the face of my discovery and my anger, in the absurd fear that I would actually leave, he declared himself. It was a monumental reaction from him. Inside a plane, in front of hundreds of people, I saw my partner say that he loved me, that he didn't want me to go and that he was scared, but free. Me and Jane. Action and Reaction.
He never came near me as a man, so I acted and found a boyfriend. He reacted by getting jealous, shaking me. I acted by agreeing to move, he reacted by allowing us to have a climate in the restaurant. Pike acted asking me to marry him, he reacted by making me lie for him in a case, showing me that he would always need me to get rid of his face. I acted by signing my transfer, he reacted by putting together a stupid strategy of an old case to make me want to stand by him. I acted, agreeing to marry Pike, he reacted by instilling a plane and saying he loved me. Did anyone win? Did I bend Patrick Jane or was it worth his will again? I have no idea, but it's going to be wonderful to find out. CAP 3 "green of envy "Every woman on this plane is green with envy."
The phrase of the woman next to me on the plane made me realize that it was real, and I don't dream, that Patrick Jane was declaring himself. But it was the strong guy next to me that made me act:
- What time are you going to get up from this chair and go after him? And I did. I got off that aircraft to find him trapped, ankle twisted, look confused, but absolutely quiet. I was the one who was even tidy, high heels, blouse without a dent, felt that a gale was getting over me. I stayed. And Jane kissed me and we'd kissed a lot more if the guard hadn't put me out of the room.
It wasn't until I left the detention room that I thought about what I was doing, because I didn't do it before. I sat in the airport lobby, in that hard, cold chair, hoping that maybe Jane would be released or maybe I'd wake up and conclude that everything would be a dream. The dashboard showed the flights, people were waiting in line for shipments and I was just there, with a silly smile stuck to my face. Light and free. When my phone rang I was so distracted, I barely noticed who it was. -Teresa, I checked here at the airline and there was a problem with your flight. They were late because there was an invasion. Is everything all right? What's the matter with you? You didn't board.
Pike. Pike that I hadn't even considered when I got off the plane and went to see the man who said he loved me. Pike was waiting for me for a new life and I easily decided it wasn't what I wanted because my friend, my partner, kissed me in an airport room after declaring himself.
It was time for the truth with Marcus Pike. I could imagine him waiting for me, perhaps with flowers in his hands, smiling with his ring in his pocket. My God, I should at least feel doubt ed if he was really the man of my life, but there was nothing in me that indicated that I should feel wrong for leaving him. I needed to say something to him, to be honest, even though I didn't want to hurt him. -Marcus, I didn't board. I took a deep breath before continuing. I'm not going to Washington or getting married.. -Teresa, what happened? Are you giving up on us? It was his voice, high-pitched and somewhat desperate. I learned something in my life as a cop, in the face of bad news, be firm, say everything, don't stall. - I'm giving up my transfer. And I'm ending our relationship.
-What does Jane have to do with this? Oh my God, Pike, please don't ask that question, I thought mentally. I didn't want to talk about it with him, not now, not looking like a madwoman who drops a wedding in the name of a glimpse, an uncertain future. - I still don't know Jane's size in all this, Marcus. The phone went silent and I thought he had hung up, but no, I heard his breath. He must have been assimilating the information. It took a few minutes before he answered me. -Jane never accepted our relationship, Teresa. I bet whatever he did, or said, he just intends to tie you to him, to make you keep covering the flaws he makes.
- Maybe you have a point,Marcus, but I don't want to leave Austin, or get married right now.. -Are you confused, Teresa? Between me and Jane? If you find out jane is an unstable man and unable to give you what you need? And there it was, Marcus Pike in a way always seemed to be sure of what I needed. How could i not even have that answer myself?
- I'm not confused anymore, Marcus.
-I don't understand, Teresa. What does a woman want besides a family, stability, love?
- I don t know, Marcus, but I want to find out. And I don't expect you to understand, I'm sorry.. And I did. Marcus Pike offered me everything every woman dreamed of receiving. And I refused.
Then the phone went silent. And I didn't call you back.
There's not much else to talk about. I got involved with Pike, I liked him. But it's nowhere near as overwhelming as how I feel about the man trapped in this airport for breaking into a plane to tell me he loved me. I sat there for whatever time until I was taken out of my daydreams. -Agent Lisbon? I recognized my boss's voice calling me. Dennis Abbott looked at mesmiling.
-Boss. I answered seriously.. - I tried, but Jane s still going to be in custody. They insisted on volunteer service, he will work in the luggage for a week. Abbott smiled and kept talking. Strange that Jane didn't seem to care, he didn't even argue. I smiled. And Abbott smiled back, to my utter astonishment.
- Agent Lisbon, I can believe that your transfer I forgot about my desk, is to be forgotten. He made a statement, it wasn't a question, which made me uncomfortable. - Didn't you send mine the transfer? I saw my boss shaking his head negatively. He gave me a piece of paper, a report from the Air Force on what happened, all of Jane's words written accurately. I think I got my cheeks roaring.
- I'm a great investigator, Teresa, even though I don't read minds like Jane. And to get Jane, I studied him a lot. A man who kills his greatest enemy and flees gives us the impression that he is ready to have a new life. Jane lived in a paradise a quiet life, but curiously accepted to run the risk of being discovered by sending letters to a woman. You think he d lose this woman to a pillowcase in Washington? Abbott tried to be serious, but he really smiled shamelessly.
- Thank you, I'm sorry. It was the only thing I could answer and looked down. I know it was Jane's letters to me that led the FBI to him. - I had already left HR on notice. Losing you wasn't my choice either, but Jane had to do his part. I had nothing to say. Apparently Abbott had a lot of faith in Jane and me. I hope for you. He winked at me. I thanked you, because the gesture was cute, first of all. Abbott was our boss, he was the guy who showed up at the CBl to shut her down and get Jane. Ididn't think Jane was so effective at winning him over. I smiled in thanks and fui try to go back to Austin.
- A WEEK LATER My house was a mess, there were boxes all over the room and I was getting rid of them. Those were the things I arranged running to take to Washington. I fixed up every one of these boxes angry at Jane, making me lie to Abbott because he did something crazy and I didn't agree. Anger at me because I didn't disagree with him and ended up entering a crazy plan that worked to catch the killer, but it touched morale and ethics. Anger that I feel dependent on Jane. For all this the boxes were a random roundup,I think I barely looked at what I threw inside them, more concerned with ratifying my attitude. It would never work for me to move in these terms, I now know and I hope Pike will one day understand. Two days ago I called him again, to find out how he was doing. He was monosilabic, but he wanted to know if Jane and I were together, which I said I didn't know. And when he asked meif that's what I wanted, I just said I wanted to find out.
I am a person who rarely has doubts about himself. When I found out I wanted to be a cop, I went deep, i studied hard, I was the best in the class. When I went to the police, I did my job with dignity and responsibility and if I was promoted to head of the Cbi on pure merit. I fought a lot for it. Everything in my professional was well delineated. And personal life should go on the same way, but I'd never met anyone who would make me want to fight to have it by my side, as happened with Jane. Jane got into the CBl broke and I saw him, and I helped him, to improve as a person, to recover as a man. Looking at it this way, it's even natural that we fall in love at some point in our lives, but I think for my part, I was afraid to have this irreverent and unpredictable man on my side. It was easy, without having anyone with me, to say that Jane wouldn't appeal to me because i was unstable. But when I found myself with a man who was stable, honest, irreprehensible, I realized that's not quite what I was looking for. I'd like to have a man by my side who challenged me, like Jane did. I went back to my boxes. Some were for donation and others had memories of my life. A baseball my dad gave us when we were kids. The miniature old car Grandpa gave me because I thought it was beautiful. A picture of me and my mother. The two of us in what looked like a circus show. Was it Jane's circus? we rarely did these walks back home, i could barely remember it, just remember my mother smelling popcorn and vomit from my younger brother. When my phone rang I was so distracted by the memories that I got a fright. -Lisbon. I spoke while touching the phone in my ear while i was holding another box. -Hello Teresa. It was Jane. A week without news of him. The airline didn't allow him to do anything but work on the luggage and then remain in custody. My heart's going out. -Jane. How are you doing? - Oh, I'm great, the baggage staff really liked me and my guess work.. There was a pause.. I just landed in Austin and would like to know if you're free tonight.. My already bouncing heart started jumping. -Me? I answered sillyly.
-Yes, Teresa. I'd like to have dinner with you. -Do you want to come over for dinner? - If you have dessert cannoli, I think the night deserves it. Jane joked and I smiled in anticipation, he even said we could go to my favorite restaurant, but I liked the idea of welcoming him home. We've rarely done that since I came to Austin. At first at the FBI the training was intense and I had to get used to the routine, then right when I found this house and was decorating my way Pike came into my life and Jane was just here in passing.
-It will be a pleasure, Jane. Bring the drink..
I'm at 7:00. He hung up the phone and I looked at my boxes stacked in the corner of the room and smiled. I left them quiet there and went to the market to buy ingredients. I'd make a really nice pasta today, get my partner to dinner, and if the night was perfect, I think we'd be together. - THE NIGHT The sugo sauce was ok, boiling and thickening. The cannelloni were prepared and curled. The cannolis wereguarded, they were from a wonderful bakery here nearhome. Everything was going well, so I didn't know what was happening to me. My hands sweated and I looked at the clock every five minutes. Clothes, I need to find an outfit. He still had his kitchen apron and old clothes from his house. I open my wardrobe and think about whattowear,pemsing what occasion I would live tonight. Was it a date? It was, for sure. He said he loved me, I said I felt the same way. He kissed me. It didn't look like we were going back.
It was an informal encounter, because it was in my house. But work clothes were discarded, Jane already knows all of them, although he has said a few times that I would be a grace with a blouse of po .
I didn't want to wear any of them. He wanted something for me and Jane.
Luckily I remembered a little red dress passion, according to the saleswoman. It looked more like a living wine to me. The dress was sunny, knee-length, comfortable. Andu had bought it for a birthday party for Van Pelt's daughter, but couldn't go on the day due to an affair. It was simple, as the occasion asked. Not sloppy, not commercial. It was casual, like the date I was hoping to have. Lingerie? Oh my God, if everything gets on the line, Jane's going to see my lingerie tonight. Despite the shame that strikes me for being friends, I think he's going to touch me. If I don't faint in anticipation. I see my black and lace set. It's beautiful, discreet and direct. Looking at me in the mirror I was cool, a normal woman on a date with a nice guy. I should be the image of self control. So what happened to me? Why wouldn't my heart stop pounding and my head was messed up? It couldn't be expectation, could it? There was no reason for that. It was Jane, who I'd known for years. I took a deep breath and felt calmer. I went back to the kitchen and threw the sauce over the cannelloni and put them in the oven. If all goes well my friend, partner and who knows what else will go through that door, we'll have dinner, talk, have a wine and he won't leave until tomorrow morning.
I panicked. My heart was beating so hard that I couldn't hear anything around. Where's that from now? Panic. I've never been panicked about going out with anyone. No man intimidated me, I always liked and had a lot of fun. I think I'm an interesting woman who pleases a man and knows how to have fun with hims.. And on the other hand, it's just Patrick Jane. The guy who always wears the same shirts wears the socks I gave away. The guy who's never intimidated me before. The guy who reads thoughts. I mean, he doesn't read thoughts, but he knows what we're thinking most of the time.
Ai Jesus. Jane will know what I'm thinking. No, just keep me steady with an emposted voice, he won't realize I'm faltering. He taught me that trick himself. I was checking the oven when the bell rang and I almost sent it all up. I ran to the door, making a prayer that everything would go well tonight and I wouldn't do anything to embarrass us afterwards. - Teresa.
- Patrick.
And there was Jane, last suit, the flowery shirt already known, the blue eyes that were the most beautiful I've ever seen. We stood at the door of my house looking at each other deeply. So nice to be able to look at Jane without hiding. Despite all my nervousness, all I feel looking at him is happiness. I'm so glad he's here right now with me that I almost forget that I'm super nervous about all this. Were it not for my hands shaking, my eyes throbbing, I could get lost in the look of itfor s empre. And he was smiling, was he calm?
Jane takes a step towards me and I'm holding the door so tightly I think I'm going to break the doorknob. But he doesn't move into my room, he'll stopby my side and s into his hand around my waist and suddenly all I seeare Patrick Jane's eyes, blue and insightful, as if they knew what I was going through.
Jane comes up and gives me a little selinho and I don't know what to do, my ears are buzzing and I'm getting the taste of my partner's mint toothpaste as the wind comes through my door. Unable to match the welcome kiss I feel Jane let me go and close the door. Then show me two items. -I brought the wine. He talks smiling. And flowers..
I keep looking silly at Jane even recognizing me. - Brunelo de Montalcino? . I speak softly, barely hearing my voice. And Jane answers me softly too. - The night deserves it. And give me the bouquet of daisies. White ones with yellow crumbs. Beautiful and smelly. And when I pick up the flowers in my hands, I'm so nervous that the bouquet falls to the ground. I just don't die of shame because Jane picks him up and puts it firmly between my fingers.
-Thank you, Jane. I can't get out of placeright away, but I see Jane heading towards my kitchen. I think he's going to open the wine. I forcibly go after him and walk with a bouquet of daisies in my hands and my heart galloping. - oh, cannelloni. Love. I think they're good enough. I see Jane turn off the oven, look for some glasses and my wine opener. On the way he finds a vase, puts water and looks at me, smiling. He takes the flowers from my hands and puts them in the vase in the center of the table, along with the wine and the glasses. And then he turns to me again. Hold my hands and take them against your chest, then he opens my right hand and touches the palm in the center of his chest and I can feel it. His heart is galloping like mine. Thank God I'm not the only one who's been discommanated here.
I can't hold on to the emotion and i play on it, hugging him as hard as I can. Not trusting me to talk or do anything else. I don't know how long we've been like this, in the middle of my kitchen, hugging and waiting for the beats of our hearts to normalize. Maybe getting used to each other's closeness, feeling. Jane's hands on my back are soothing and I smell her, I walk my hands through her hair like I've wanted so many times, but they're not erotic movements yet. We're two people venting our feelings, maybe recognizing us in this new scenario. I raise my head and Jane leans her forehead against mine and we stay like this for a while, eyes closed, breaths synchronized. I think they both don't have the guts to say anything. Only then does Jane kiss me, not a little kiss, a slow, affectionate, deep kiss. I feel his tongue going deep in my mouth, our tastes mixing. A kiss that tastes like promise and desire, a jane's hand goes to my neck and he pulls me closer to him and while we're like this, kissing in my kitchen, I forget everything. -Wow. That's what you're going to I hear myself saying when our kiss ends. We still have our foreheads glued together and Jane's eyes are still closed. I think he's as thrilled as I am. -I'm happy to be here. That's what he says when he opens his blue eyes and fixed mine. And I agreed to wink at him. Then he relaxes in the embrace and I can look around, see how my dish goes, prepare our meal. My cannelloni stayed on point and Jane and I can relax and enjoy the wine. - I didn't think you'd buy cannolis, Lisbon. I know they're for absurdly special situations. By the way, were il Tavolo really good? . Jane speaks while I serve the candy to him. - I'm sorry, but I couldn't eat.. -I'm sorry about that night, I should have told you I was coming. -You should be. And I should have said what I really wanted..
- Pike answering the door wasn't very stimulating. By the way, he understood that you... that we... - More or less, it's going to take him a while to figure it out.. I feel bad about it. I really liked him. But I couldn't be whole in that relationship. I always felt owes because he offered me too much and I couldn't give back.
- I'm sorry i hurt you too, somehow, I should have talked toyou about what ifelt. But I thought I'd handle your relationship with a perfect guy.. -You were a fool. - I'm a fool,Lisbon. But you already know that. And I hope you don't regret it..
- I've been dealing with this for many years. We both smiled at the note. I knew all of Jane's faults. And your qualities. And he's mine. That would be a facilitator, I imagine, but it could also bring us huge problems. - It's a beautiful night, why don't we finish this wine by looking at the stars? We packed everything in my kitchen and mysteriously Jane didn't want to make tea, preferred to take my hand and went to the back of my house. There was a small balcony next to the laundry area. Some cushions were scattered and sometimes, very often, I used this space as a gym to do stretching. That night Jane and I sat down, he leaned on the cushions and positioned me in front of him, passing his arms around me, envelopando me, as we watched the sky. It was a comfortable silence between us, perhaps again getting used to this new arrangement that was happening. The only noise came from the wine we were still drinking and I think a good time passed until one of us dared to say something. - I hope I'm not too rusty. It was Jane who said the words, taking me out of the comfortable place to feel her breath on my neck. -Why do you say that? -Because I want to impress you. He answered and I turned, leaning his back on the porch, to see him better. -Why wouldn't you impress me? I wanted to know. He smiled like that mischievous way that I could now admit, draw me my ass off. -Because you know me. Because for a blind date, I would do a body reading of it and I could say that I am the most stable man on the planet, that I like everything right, within the rules, the laws,that I have a habit of discipline in everything I do. I laughed, understanding the idea.
- And I wouldn't even suspect you'd lie blatantly.. -Not for a moment. To please her I would say that all she likes most in life is the unpredictable, the new look on things, about leaving protocol aside and seeking solutions in an innovative way. And that's why we'd be in perfect balance. He talked to me jokingly and took the opportunity to kiss the tip of my nose.
- I'd pretend to be surprised that you've known me for years, so well you've described me. I'd be impressed. I smiled truly, allowing him to kiss me again. - And I wouldn't care because you were lying to impress me too, because these big, wonderful green eyes would be hypnotizing me. This smell of almond soap, with a soft perfume, little used, plus this passion red dress that values your skin, added to your tough but sweet still, would be clouding all my senses. And I'd surrender for admitting that a woman hasn't moved me like that in a long time. And nothing else would matter,because we'd be involved enough when the truths were revealed. He got even closer to me. -I'm impressed. I stood totally in front of Jane and he advanced on me.
The kiss was different this time, demanding, urgent, but not harsh. Jane lay me on the balcony floor, covering me with her body as she deepened the kiss. It was scary that desire appeared this way among us, raw, transparent, no matter how many years we knew each other. When the hands of my partner, my friend, climbed up my legs, climbing up my dress, I didn't feel the shame I imagined I would feel, on the contrary, I wished he would see me in more and more. I barely noticed that my hands were already unbuttoning his shirt, one of those ugly, flowery ones of his time on the island. And that I recognized even the smell, the smell of Jane, the wood scentthat was characteristic, the softhair, the soft and fragrant hands of the various teas he drank throughout the day..
-I want to make him love you, Teresa. And I want you so much, so long.. Hearing these words was the realization of a dream for me, something I thought I would never hear, only in my imagination. There was nothing to say in response, just show that I wanted him too. And that's why I got up and we went to my room. Few things have been said since this moment. -You're beautiful, I heard when Jane went up my dress and unbuttoned my lingerie, allowing me to get totally naked in front of it. -You too, I heard myself telling him, in the face of his nakedness and attraction to me. My friend, in my room, upright and willing to have a non-stop night with me. Nothing has ever seemed more certain in life. I felt Jane kissing me again, kissing my neck, whispering in my ear that she wanted me and I found myself exploring her chest. Jane had warm skin, stiff chest, belly with few hairs and muscles, which surprises me because I've never seen Jane doing any exercise.. I went down my hand to explore it when he lay me in bed to kiss my breasts, my belly, my belly. I felt hespread my legs, his breathing between my thighs as he continued his exploration and kisses for my body.. Your tongue proving me, intimately. Strange to feel so subdued in this way, while Jane invaded me, licking gently, I was able to do anything he asked me to do. -Delicious,were his words while I simply asked for More. But he interrupted his exploration and went upstairs until he came face to face with me.
- I want you to come around me, Teresa. I kissed him, wanting to return the offer. I turned him on the bed and explored, with my tongue, his neck, chest, belly, until I reached his limb. I wish I'd played with him more time, but I don't think we'd last long in that heat that invaded the room, because when I put it in my mouth I heard Jane vaguely say it wouldn't last long if it continued. He pulled my head back and stood again on me before penetrating me. There wasn't much talk after that, I felt that our bodies were sweating and the smells mingled. I didn't want to come so soon, but with every move to come and go I thought I couldn't hold on, not with Jane kissing me like that, not with me pulling him deeper and deeper, not when we were there so delivered. Suddenly, Jane stopped kissing me, looked me deep into my eyes and slightbit my shoulder, sucking and then he came close to my ear and said it was almost there. I couldn't hold back and I flew, closing my eyes and letting myself get carried away by those waves telling him not to stop. When I came to see myself Jane was saying my name as she poured into me.
We don't even talk about protection. We were hugging, naked and silent, for a long time. A serenity that contrasted with the beginning of that night, where I was super nervous. Being with Jane was a delivery I'd never experienced, something too big to be able to ignore. The surest thing I've ever done in my entire life. Knots love each other again and I slept with Jane by my side.
I opened my eyes in my room and stared at the mess of the sheets. Gradually the night before all went back to my head. Me and Jane, I smiled against the pillow as I remembered the hot night we lived in.
I looked out for my partner, but I couldn't find him. Jane had showered, Box was wetand there was a masculine smell in my bathroom. I went down and the kitchen was tidy, no note from Jane. I understood my partner's need for privacy, but I'd like at least one bye ticket. I was beginning topanic, thinking he might have regretted it, but I decided to turn those thoughts away and prepare the coffee when I heard the door open.
-Good morning. He told me when he came in from behind and kissed me in the back of the head. I, who would be angry at him leaving without saying goodbye, found myself softening that touch. I went to buy those olive buns you like so much.. - I thought you were scared and left. I admitted, ashamed of my thought.
- I'm scared, but running away is not an option.. - If it helps, know that I'm scared too. I smiled in solidarity with him.
-It helps a lot. Now, if you want coffee in bed, I can pretend I didn't find you here in the kitchen. Jane said as she shoved her hand inside my robe and found that I wore absolutely nothing under it. And I took a step back, to get a lot closer and feel how excited he was. Coffee waited a while. Making love in the morning with Jane tasted different, I think we were safer there in that sunlit room. His hair glowed as he gave himself completely to me, saying and demanding that I say what I liked and wanted. And you had never had a relationship like this before, where I already knew a person intimately and then made love to her. And this act is more intense precisely because we already knew each other's expressions of pleasure. I knew that ice cream gave Jane pleasure, that he was moved by children and marriages and that he had dilated pupils when he was focused on something, but seeing all these reactions to me was catharsis and I asked the universe to be as transparent as Jane at this point.
CAP 4" on the bright side"
"No matter what happens, from now on we will promise each other that we will always look on the bright side"
- MONTHS LATER Dr. Anderson's office was cold and gray, like every FBI building. I managed to get there on time for my appointment even though I had a long time and a lot in my head. I expected to do a necessary periodic examination from time to time due to the fulfillment of duty. Cops are always exposed to gunfire, violence, pressure. It was no different with me, even if Jane wanted to protect me. As if it were possible. Jane had also undergone these clinical and psychological examinations, but curiously what had always been a stress this time was a quiet experience. He came in telling me that Gillian, the doctor, had been very delicate with him.
-Teresa Lisbon. I heard my name called and went to the doctor's office. Dr. Anderson was a beautiful doctor, maybe 10 years older than me, lower and redhead. But she had a lovely look that made us feel comfortable, maybe that's why Jane liked her. Which is rare. -Good morning, . I said smiling, which happened a lot in the last few days. -Oh, please, we're all agents. Call me Gillian. Glad to meet you, your future husband has talked a lot about you. Congratulations on the wedding, he said it will be this week and was quite excited. I had a fright. Future husband. Aftermonths of insecurity and conflict, Jane and I were going to get married. We had a quiet start to the relationship, but after a few months the insecurity and fear of loss took over Jane. He needed time to process the unpredictability of life, that nothing could be done but live the present. And I waited, because I was sure that Jane was the man of my life,like all those fears and flaws, I didn't want anyone else by my side.. So it was so beautiful that, in addition to making the request to me, he offered the ring that he wore years in respect to Angela, so that I could be guardian. In a way I was Jane's guardian for many years, of her sanity and stability. I think I still am, but now it's different, because even if I'm hard to admit it, Jane also stabilizes me when she makes me see life from different angles to the protocol I'm trained to. I turned to the doctor. - yes, Jane also told me well about you, which is rare for him, who has a real aversion to doctors. I'm sorry. I answered and she smiled, saying that many patients had the same thought as Patrick Jane, but rare expressed. And then my appointment went through normally, the usual questions about pressure at work, pressure measurement, reflexes and of course, blood tests.
- You have a little anemia, Teresa. Have you been eating well? I got tense sitting on the stretcher in the office. - Too much, I've been feeling very hungry lately.. -Lie down, please. I lay still tense and Dr. Anderson began to examine me, asking if I felt pain somewhere in the body which now that she groped I felt a slight inso in my womb. -How do you prevent yourself, Teresa? Does Jane have a vasectomy? -How's that? I was kind of silly thinking about what could make me anemic, I didn't want to get sick now that I was getting married. Oh, I use a subcutaneous contraceptive, lasts around 6 months.
-Are you up to time? -Of course. I answered right now. It was, it was logical. I had gone to the doctor months ago, wasn't there? I was trying to remember my appointment.
- Well, every method fails, so it wouldn't be something abnormal. You look pregnant, Teresa,your womb is prominent. I have a pharmacy test like this here for us to see, and of course, we're going to order a blood test.. I couldn't answer, I felt my eyes full of water. Pregnant? Since when? I had gone to the doctor, I was sure. Then I remembered, right when Vega passed away it was a mess; Jane needed some time to travel and pack up. I was worried about him, afraid of losinghim, that he would do something stupid to himself. My gynecologist's secretary made the appointment, but I don't remember showing up. So Jane returned and I was still worried about how we would do to function as a couple,if our relationship was serious to him as it was to me. If he was committed, if he knew what he wanted out of life for himself and forus.
That's exactly, a couple of months. Be? The doctor came before me with a pregnancy kit. I went to the bathroom, put my urine in the pot and left with the tape inside the pot. I gave it to her, not trusting me to go through with it. -Congratulations, Teresa. You and Patrick are having a baby.. I couldn't hold back the tears this time. Dr. Anderson hugged me, asking if my future husband would be happy. I think so, that's what I told her. She asked me for a blood test and I left the office straight to the lab, wanting to confirm this story.
Mother. I'd be a mother. A son. Jane and I would have a son. And we'd get married later this week.. Nothing could be more wonderful. A new life. Our life. It would be the perfect wedding present for Jane. He'd come and pick me up today so we could sign the proclaims, but I wouldn't tell him about my pregnancy. I'd surprise you. And a test, see if I could hide a secret from Patrick Jane, the man who loves me to be predictable. It's going to be wonderful to see the surprise on his face, I'm sure his eyes will get wet and we'll cry together more of this chance that life afforded us. A son.
A link.
A bow. Forever. End