Tsuna believed in a lot of things. He believed in the Five Holy Gods for one, he believed in his brothers despite them constantly lying to his face. He believed in hope and love. 'But this was too much, ' he thought to himself. Hands shaking as he sat on the floor, flipping pages after pages, words so scarily familiar to him telling stories of people the author has met, what the author has gone through, what the author has done. Eyes and fingers tracing familiar names 'Giotto' 'Natsu' 'Luce' 'Yuni' and finally 'Renato'.
It doesn't make sense at all. It was written in a language Tsuna has never seen and yet, he could understand it. He could even say it, words rolling off his tongue melodically, sounding like the words that he heard in the hospital. Words, an argument between Giotto and Luce about him, about… Sora.
Why? Why is it always Sora? Everything connects back to Sora. That Ruin, that humanoid Ruin that year called him that too. The Ruin that kneeled before him as flames made out of black with the smallest hint of orange roared around them. The Ruin with the bright orange eyes that looked like his papa with dark hair and something inside of him that time cried. ' Why does he look so much in pain?'
He could remember that day clearly as if it was yesterday. The man, body covered in bandages, kneeling down in front of him, ignoring how Tsuna screamed and screamed for help. Trashing in the Ruin's hands, eyes widening when Tsuna saw his own parents killed by the Ruins. Beaks and teeth slowly tearing apart flesh and Tsuna, Tsuna just wants to curl up and wish everything is back to normal.
Ruins were not supposed to be human. Ruins cannot physically hold a human form. It's scientifically human and Little Tsuna at that time knew what he saw. The man with tainted flames and breaking body with that look in his eyes, holding him by his cheeks and whispering "Sora, Sora, Sora" over and over again.
The man, no the Ruin, Tsuna knows that man's a Ruin despite what his family taught him. He's too other, too tainted, too broken. No human being and spirit have the darkness that curls around the man. The only race that has that same darkness is Ruins. And Tsuna, Tsuna's terrified of what the man would do.
He could remember the man kissing his forehead, again and again, rocking his small body back and forth. He didn't tell it to his therapist or to his brothers or to anyone that when the man took him in his arms and held him closer in his chest, Tsuna felt safe as if the Ruins and the Flames will never reach him.
But Tsuna knows that it's not him that Ruin was crying for, was searching for. The same way Tsuna knows that when his brothers look at him, they don't really see him. And Tsuna thought all this time, it's just going to them but ever since he joined the Academy, Luc- the Headmistress, Yuni and Reborn, even the man accompanying Yuni looked at him like he was nothing but a shadow of someone else. Someone liked Sora.
Tsuna took a deep breath, hands unclenching and clenching and it took everything in him not to chuck the book at something. "Sora," he tried, the name rolling off his tongue painfully wrong. Heavier and awkward like he was trying to say his own name.
He buried his face on his hands, pressing the palms against his cheeks and trying to calm the headache and pain before it gets worse. He just wants everything to go back to normal and he doesn't have to worry about who's Sora is and why his brothers and everyone looks at him like they're seeing someone else. It's always been Sora and Tsuna knows that. He's not dumb, he's not stupid no matter what other people say.
'One ,' he counted, tracing his hand upwards and taking a deep breath. ' Two,' and down his finger goes, tracing the slope before continuing up for three. ' Four' repeating the actions with every number. It was a coping mechanism his therapist told him. With every stroke upwards, one must take a deep breath inhaling, and with every stroke downwards, one must exhale slowly and he remembered his therapist telling him to repeat it again and again until he feels grounded enough.
"Sora," he repeated, the name still awkward like it was minutes ago. "Sora?" he took the book from the floor that has fallen off his lap and stared at the words. Fingers tracing the odd-looking characters, ' Today I met with that sad-looking knight again ' it says. It was a diary he realized, a diary filled up to the brim with sketches and thoughts and ideas.
Sora was a real person he knew that but he never knew much about Sora. He found a rough charcoal sketch while he was flipping through the pages, trying to find answers for the millions of questions running inside his head. It was a lion cub and a girl, ' Sora' his mind reminded him, and the girl held the lion cub near the sky. A beautiful shade of orange ink, that smelled like smoke that follows Natsu around, colored her eyes and the whole lion cub.
He dragged a finger across the art and noticed how the ink didn't smudge. The drawing, the ink, and the charcoal, it seems to be frozen in time, like it was made yesterday but Tsuna knows it isn't. Not when he knows that Sora's gone. Dead buried under the very city that took away her life-
She was beautiful, frozen in time and the artist drew her smile the same way Tsuna imagined it would be like. A smile that made his brothers cling to it like how Flames cling to their wills and Tsuna couldn't get angry for that. Long hair, that he knows is the same shade as his, freely flowing behind her, drawn as if there was a wind blowing through them and her dress. Her dress is something Tsuna faintly remembers, memories of going to the temples with his parents and priests and maidens walking through the halls with the same dress as Sora's but Tsuna doesn't remember if the colors were orange, gold, and white like Sora's or if the color is black like the maidens.
Tsuna pressed his thumb against the edge of the paper, eyes focused on the lion cub in her arms. The voice in his head screaming ' Brother, familiar, family, Decimo, Na-' and he froze, blinking away the image of a smaller Natsu in the position of the lion cub.
He turned his eyes to the small note written on the side, ' Look what Fuuta sent me! I look so adorable and Natsu was pouting about how he isn't that little ' it wrote, his brother's name mentioned for the nth time together with this 'Fuuta.'
Fuuta? Fuuta, their youngest. Fuuta, her cousin. Future with the brightest smile and eyes that twinkle like the stars and call her "Rara." Fuuta who always wanted to go down to the surface. Fuuta that she- He abandoned him.
That thought made Tsuna covered his mouth, tremors shaking his whole body, visions of a boy with the softest hair she- he has ever seen carrying a large red book.
"Enough," he screamed, throwing the diary to the wall, clutching his ears. Visions after visions wreaking his mind, forcing him to the ground.
' Sora? Are you okay?' he hears someone ask him, a warm hand holding her shoulder. ' Sora?' the man asked her again, the scent of green tea and the soothing smell of nature filling up her, no, Tsuna's nose.
He took a deep breath, fist clenching and unclenching, being comforted by the man's gentle rubbing on his back. ' If you weren't feeling better you could have told us sooner kora!' another voice interjected, this time a cheery voice that brings him the scent of rain and blueberries, mixing with the other's calm scent.
He wanted to open his mouth to comfort them, to tell them it's nothing but when he looked up, he found nothing but the empty shelves of his room. His visions are getting worse, he knows that but there is always something in him, not the voice in his head screaming, that loves the warmth the visions give despite the blood and the nightmares.
He was alone and loneliness has never been this scary without his brothers by his side. "Na-chan," he whimpered, hugging himself and rocking back and forth. "Gio-nii," they're both gone, he knows that but his visions are getting worse and everything just feels so… overwhelming that he doesn't know how to take a step forward.
He crawled towards the diary, taking it in his shaking hands, and began looking if he accidentally damaged the book. Tracing the golden spine, now noticing the words engraved into it. 'Vongola Parum Caelum,' the name Vongola made him think about the God of Time.
Those blessed by Vongola is untouched by His hands, remaining youthful and spry as the day they were first blessed, unchained by their past. Youthfulness, a blessing that comes with a price. The only blessing that comes with a price in all Five Gods. Unlike Kawahira's peace of mind, Sepira's forgiveness, Arcobaleno's dream, and Mare's victory, Vongola's youthfulness requires the memories of the one asking for the blessing. The past is cruel and as the God of the Past, Vongola is crueler.
Tsuna hasn't met anyone blessed by any of the Gods, even when his parents were alive. Blessings were rare, after the Ruins arrived, no one received blessings anymore as if the Gods went silent. Silent and people would have thought they were abandoned except for the miracles and the barriers that remained fueled by the Gods' powers.
Tsuna heard about them though. Blessed spirits and blessed humans capable of feats that the ordinary cannot think of. He grew up hearing their stories, by his mama's gentle voice and later on to Giotto's calmness and warmth.
The story of the Sinclairs, a clan of spirits blessed by all Five Gods, is a favorite of his. He would make his brother tell it to him night after night ever since they told it to him. His brother would cuddle with him and Giotto, with a book in his lap and a hand curled around Tsuna's hair. He would start by saying a verse, it always starts with a verse.
'Feathers of the mourning sun
From white to black it turns
Burdened as the last living son
As hatred in him burns'
It's a bit sad but when Tsuna heard the story, he felt his heartbreak. His brother painted a sad overwhelming story that made the voice in his head grow silent. The voice always stays silent whenever they listen to a story but the tightening in his chest and the need to cry seems to grow.
Tsuna touched the spine, caressing it with gentle hands when he realized. It was similar to the other journals his brothers kept back home. The same golden spine with the same leather made out of something that he's sure isn't made by human hands. And everything still ends the same, it's always been about Sora.
The people he loves sees him as Sora just because he looks like her too much, he's brought into this academy because the headmistress and the child gets reminded of Sora when they look at him. The stories and verses he grew up in, the heroes and spirits he heard from his brothers, that man who called him Sora, it's all connected to Sora. Sora met them and Tsuna's still trying to process why him .
Why him? It's not his fault that he looks like Sora sans for their eyes. He didn't want to look like Sora that Ruins killed his family, killed so many people just because he looks like Sora. His brothers took him in because he looks like Sora. He got into the academy because he looks like Sora. He almost got shot by Reborn.
Tsuna sighed, putting the diary back. He doesn't want to see that again, he doesn't want to think about Sora or anything else. He stood up, hand holding the shelf to stabilize himself, shaking his head to make the dark spots in his visions disappear.
He hasn't even started unpacking, the boxes still in his room and he got caught up in his thoughts. Again. He made his way towards the bedroom, closing the door behind him and freezing when the he heard someone knocking.
"Tsuna-san?" Yuni called out, knocking again. "It's Yuni again. I'm here to invite you to the welcome dinner! Everyone came back to welcome you here!"
Tsuna took deep breaths, walking carefully towards the doors, making sure not to trip on anything. He took another deep breath, his brothers' final words before they went their separate ways echoing in his mind.
"Tsuna, try to make some new friends okay?" Giotto told him, helping him packed as Natsu sulked on his bed. And Tsuna wanted to tell him that he's trying at least when they see each other again.
He took another deep breath, opening the door slowly, and met beautiful purple eyes than the bluebell eyes he was expecting.
"Hello there little Sky~" the man sang and Tsuna felt fear.