I had nothing else to do, so I followed the beetle. I didn't really want to go to a homeless shelter, nor was I really feeling up to going anywhere but back to my room, my job, and my overall steady life. Lonely, but steady. It's how I liked it.
Ms. Peachy tried conversation, but it was more or less her just talking about things I could care less about. Seriously, did it ever shut up?
That said, while we were moving on over this way, we came across a hill. I actually saw the makings of some kind of town or something with a gathering of different buildings in the distance. That was pretty interesting.
"And to this day, nobody knows if Diglets or Dugtrios actually have legs!" And that was not. "And here it is. This is the place!" it said excitedly, stopping in its tracks. This caught me off guard, and I actually tripped over onto my face. On the bright side, I could see the house. "You're so clumsy, Tony," it teased before laughing. I thought it was laughter, anyways. Sounded like human laughter to me.
It was a wooden hut place with a straw roof over a pond. A flag pole with a flowing white banner was to the left side of it. The middle section of it was almost entirely windows, and there was a large entryway without a door. There were many wooden bridges here and there near the house.
It looked awful.
And I was supposed to live in that? I can't even have class in my acid trips, hallucinations, or insane double life, whatever this was. I frowned while on the ground. I just felt so unimpressed by the place. There isn't even a door! If this isn't the worst excuse for a homeless shelter I had ever seen, I'm not a blue crocodile.
"Oh, Tony, you're impressed, aren't you?" Its eyes were squinting, as if happy or something.
"Not really. There isn't even a door."
The beetle's eyes opened wide. "What? I thought this would be a good place for you to live... Water Pokémon enjoy water, so I was sure you would've liked it," it said really unenthusiastically. I'd say sadly, even. I never thought I'd see the day I'd make a beetle feel bad, but you know what? Today's pretty special already. Let's put the icing on the cake.
"That's a bit racist, don't you think? I never learned how to swim, so why would I enjoy being sur-"
"You what?!" it interrupted loudly.
"I don't know how to swim." I lived in a city, so I never really saw a reason to learn. With the way I was living, I wouldn't have any reason to go swimming until I was retired.
"That's… That's impossible. All water Pokémon know how to swim."
"Hi, I'm Tony, and I don't know how to swim. Sorry to disappoint. Speaking of disappointing, the place is fine enough. How many people are here?" If there are more than fifty, I think I'd prefer living outside.
"Um… You? If you want, I can move in. My home is really small and rocky and I could use some extra room for my books." I looked back to the hut. That was all for me? Holy shit. I take back everything, this is fine.
"Nevermind what I said before, this place is awesome." Its eyes lit up as my compliment.
"Oh, okay! What made you change your mind?"
"I thought there'd be, like, twenty people in there," I replied with wonder. I was thinking of all the renovations I could get for the place. This was essentially my house. My house, my rules, right? I usually had to live in an apartment, so I never really got to feel like I was living in a big place that was mine.
"Oh no, just you. Though, if you don't mind sharing, I'd um… Well I'd like to live there, too," it said, getting quieter and quieter as it went on.
"Why not? Looks like it could fit you and me." For the first time in a while, I think I was in a halfway decent mood. I don't even think I was thinking about letting someone move in, I was so stoked about having my own house.
"Yay! I'll get moved in after I finish up explaining things here." It's a house, I can figure it out. It's not like this is a tour, or a housewarming party.
"I think I can figure it out from here," I said with all the confidence I could muster. To be frank, I wanted to just collapse on a bed and wake up where I should have been the whole time. I swear, I'm going to wake up either in the middle of an alley, in a gurney, or late for work.
"Oh, um… Well, I'll just show you a few things anyways." It bumped into a mailbox and said, "This is your mailbox. They deliver mail from Pokémon here. You know, Pokémon like the ones we helped today." It said that in a way that's going to lead to something. Wait, how did I not notice that mailbox before? It's huge!
"Yeah?"
"Yes. A lot of natural disasters have been happening lately, and Pokémon are suffering because of it. I want to help Pokémon in these tough times!"
"Hero spiel aside, what does this have to do with me?" I asked while finally getting up from the ground. It was a lot more effort on my part due to the whole crocodile thing.
"To the point? I like it! Um… Well, I really like how you handled yourself while rescuing Caterpie, so do you wanna… Form a rescue team?"
"Nah," I said. I started to move past it towards the entrance of my new place, but it blocked me.
"Tony, with you, I think we could become the world's best rescue team! Please?" I was going to forget all of this in the morning anyways.
"Sure," I said offhandedly. "Now can you get out of the way? I kind of want to go to-"
"Perfect!" Ms. Peachy practically squealed, "That's it, then! We're partners in our rescue team from now on, Tony! Glad to have you on board!"
"Woo-fucking-hoo. Move, please."
"For the team name…" it started excitedly, then fell into thought. "Well, I don't have one yet. So, Tony, what do you think would be a good name for us?"
"Team Chucklefuck, move," I tried to assert.
"Chucklefuck! I like it, it's a good name for us! It's perfect for us," it said, then striking some sort of pose. "Rescue Team Chucklefuck!" it then returned to a normal pose. "Let's do good starting tomorrow, okay?"
"Sure, dude." I decided to barge on past the thing. Words weren't working. I then went into the house, finding a bunch of stones, some pools, a strip of water running around the perimeter, and a pot.
There wasn't a bed. I found a little stone structure in the middle of the house, and decided that might as well work. So, I fell hard, closed my eyes, and prayed to god I'd be back. I better be back in my apartment. If not, I will smack that beetle with no warning. That's a promise to myself, and I will see it through. I think that's the only measure that could keep me even slightly fine with everything.
Thus, I drifted into a deep sleep.
The reason I know it was a deep sleep was because when I woke up, bookcases were now present in the room as I awoke. Also, I was in the same damn place. One, how did I not wake up? Two, I'm still here. I hate everything.
I get myself up. Okay. I made myself a deal. Where's the beetle? I looked around, feeling quite awake. I heard a page turn, and I tried to look around. I saw the beetle laying down, facing away from me. Perfect.
I crept up as quietly as I could on the beetle. There was a book in front of it. I personally could not see which one based off text, nor did I really care at this point. Caring was for after I fulfilled a self promise.
Once I was safely behind the beetle, I raised my hand up, ready to slap it. I had just come up with a great one liner for this very occasion. "Boo, motherfucker!" And thus, my hand came down just as I yelled.
When it hit, it fucking hurt. As it happened, hitting a beetle's body is a bad idea. Jesus, was that made of actual metal or something? It'd be an even worse idea if it were really metal. Hindsight would tell me that, but it always seems a little too late. I grabbed at my hand in some attempt to stop the pain.
The shriek I heard from the beetle was loud and rewarding. It instantly whipped around, its eyes wide. "Wh-Why would you d-do that!?" it asked shakily.
"No reason. My morning's just that much worse." Nothing like a healthy dose of a stubbed palm to wake you up.
"It's t-the afternoon!" it said, still shaken up.
Tomato, tomato. "Emphasis on my."
"What makes you t-think it's okay to touch a girl there?!" What.
"I dunno, it seemed appropriate at the time? Where exactly did I touch?"
"You know where!"
"No, I kind of don't. Inform me," I said, really hoping I didn't slap what I think I did. I'd hate it if I accidentally hit its thorax or its tits or whatever. I shouldn't have touched it, actually. Should have just stayed asleep the moment I woke up today.
"W-well you just smacked a very…" it murmured something, then said quietly, "area."
"A very what area?" Another murmur. "What?" The one time she isn't loudmouthed and piping up a storm is when she's on the backfoot. Noted.
"It's an … area," it quietly said, mumbling the most important part. I can't deal with this. I'll just apologize or something.
"Well, sorry. It hurt me, too." It once again murmured something that sounded like some kind of a negative. "What was that?"
Its face shot up, and it shouts "Nothing! With that out of the way, I've been reading up on rescue teams, and today is our very first day!" Oh yeah. I agreed to that. What was I thinking? "Let's always do our very best!" It looked extremely happy, then slowly it started to look more and more normal. Is it weird I can tell when it has a plain expression just from the eyes and mask tilt?
"What's up?" I ask out of some vague curiosity. If this is where I'm damned to exist, might as well act somewhat invested.
"We don't have any job offers yet…" It then began laughing sadly. "I guess we're just a starting team, so- oh wait!" It shot up. I think it even jumped a little. "The mailbox! Maybe there's something in it! Come on!" It blazed a trail, bursting out of its makeshift library and expecting me to follow behind. It was way too early in the morning for this.
I decided to get a move on and followed the thing outside, although it was at my pace. Might as well, right? What else was I gonna do, read? I don't even know if they have the good stuff in my insane dream. I can only think of it as an insane dream. I'm sure an acid trip would have ended hours ago.
Maybe I'm in a coma? That would suck. So I'm here till they pull the plug, I guess. That's way more dark than my other theories, but it's just as likely. Can I even afford the hospital bills? It'll probably put me into such a huge debt, I'd lose everything and still owe the healthcare industry. Probably would have to sell a kidney. I quite liked my insides being inside of me.
But that's something to worry about when I'm back where I belong. I followed the thing with that realization in mind, and saw it being all excited about a box. "I knew it'd be in there!"
"What would be where?"
"Our starter set, for our rescue team." That. Yes. That was a thing.
"What's inside it?" I asked, not really interested. I bet it's just a bunch of stickers that say 'You did it!' or some other bullshit.
"Let's find out," it said before kicking open the box. I was close enough to get a good look. Inside was a satchel bag that I wouldn't be caught dead with, a stupid looking badge, and what looked like some newspaper. "Yes, there are some good things in here!"
"Looks like a bunch of ads to me."
"Oh no, these aren't ads. Take a look at this," it pointed at the badge. I'd rather had a sticker, actually. "This is a Rescue Team Badge! It shows that we're a rescue team."
"Can we get a sticker instead? I don't really want to carry that around."
"No, silly, anybody can fake a sticker. But nobody can fake this badge!" How the fuck does that logic work? It pointed a leg at the satchel. "This is a toolbox. You use it for carrying around items that we find."
"Toolbag."
"Toolbox."
"Bag."
"Box."
"It's a fucking bag."
"Fine, toolbag! Doesn't have the same ring to it, but apparently you aren't as into this as I am," it said rather aggressively. How long did it take for it to figure that out?
"Hey, I'm just saying it looks more like a bag than it does a box."
"But it's the novelty! Rescue teams used to haul around a box instead of a bag, so we call them toolboxes." How dumb are these guys to haul around a box?
"Whatever. Call it a box, call it a bag, call it Tony. Next item?" It focused back on the actual box.
"Finally, a copy of the Pokémon News," it pointed at the newspaper. Ugh, spam in the mail. Honestly, the only useful thing here is the bag. "It's useful for rescue team. I'll put it back in the mailbox for you to read later." Ha, as if. It got up on its hind legs and shoved the news in there, somehow holding onto it. It then looked in the mailbox with scrutiny. "Anything else?" It looked for a couple seconds, then got off the mailbox, looking rather sad. "Okay, so there isn't any mail for us after all…" it turned to me.
"Cool. Can I do other things, now?"
"Well, there really isn't anything to do… If there were any rescue jobs, we'd get mail, but I guess nobody knows about us since we're so new!" it laughed. To be fair, it had a point.
"Awesome. You know, I see a few buildings off in the distance, so I really want to explore that instead of-" Suddenly, I heard a noise off in the distance. It sounded like a bird flying. A big bird.
I looked off in the general direction of the noise, and saw a giant pelican with a blue streak on the top of it. We were going to die. That's it, we're done. I started to flee into the home, knowing better than to engage it on open ground.
"Wait, Tony, it's just the mail Pelipper!" Male? I'm not interested.
It flew over to my mailbox, sat on top of it, shoved something into it with its beak, got up, then flew off. I got out of my house, realizing that it was the mail pelican, not the male pelican. Hey, you never know, maybe gay interspecies stuff is a thing here. Not like that's wrong or anything, at least the gay part, but it's just not my style.
I decided to go over to the mailbox, expecting the beetle… What was its name again? Ms. Peachy? Yeah, Ms. Peachy to grab the mail. Unfortunately, it just stared at me. Looked like I was gonna have to read that stuff. I got up to the mailbox, grabbing something inside. I swear if this thing barfed in my damn mailbox, there'd be hell to pay.
"Maybe it's a rescue job offer! What does it say?"
"Well let's see here," I pulled out the newspaper, sighed at my own ineptitude and pushed it back in. I grabbed another thing that I had not grabbed before and pulled it out. It was a pristine white envelope. How did the pelican manage not to get it wrinkled? I opened it as viciously as I could, utilizing what were my claws, I think, as letter openers. That was their only real redeeming quality besides the obvious 'I could kill someone with these' quality that everything has.
I pulled out a letter inside, and began reading aloud. It had chicken scratch on it. "BZZ BZZ BZZ," I began. I put it down and looked at Ms. Peachy incredulously. "Who the hell writes like this?"
"Keep reading!"
"Fine, god damn," I went back to the letter, which appeared to be in all caps. "I HEARD ABOUT YOU FROM CATERPIE. PLEASE, WE NEED YOUR HELP. MAGNEMITE IS IN TROUBLE." Who? "A STRANGE ELECTROMAGNETIC WAVE FLOWED THROUGH A DUNGEON AND IT STUCK TOGETHER MAGNEMITE AND MAGNEMITE," I took another glance at Ms. Peachy, who was reacting to every word I said. "There are three Magnemites here, dude, whatever the hell those are. I think this might be a hoax."
"No, no, Magnemite is a type of Pokémon. Keep going!"
"Okay," I sighed. "THAT ISN'T ENOUGH TO FORM A MAGNETON. IT'S NOT COMPLETE THE WAY IT IS NOW. PLEASE. WE NEED HELP." You certainly do, buddy. "BZZ BZZ BZZ. FROM MAGNEMITE'S FRIEND," I finished. "Well Magnemite's friend needs to learn how to write."
"Are you in a bad mood or something?" Ms. Peachy asks pretty earnestly.
"Yeah, kind of," I answered just as earnestly.
"I figured. One of these days, you're gonna be bright and peppy and it's going to be the best!" Someone is a dreamer.
"Sure, let's say that's how that's gonna happen."
"Well… Do you think we should go and help?" No, but do I really have that much of a choice? You gave me a house, so the least I could do is go help whoever this is. If I have to fight the mob, though, the job's off.
"Sure, let's go!" I replied as melodramatically as I could.
"Hey, that's the spirit! Let's do our best!" Ms. Peachy proceeded to pose. After two seconds of silence, its masked face turns towards me, and asks, "Hey, aren't you gonna do it, too?"
"What, a pose?"
"Yeah!"
"Ha, no."
"Aww, come on…"
"No."
"I won't try to get you back for this morning if you do," Ms. Peachy said. Very tempting offer in truth. I don't know if I pissed off Ms. Peachy enough for it to go for vengeance of equal caliber. I'm going to break its… Her. It's a her, I think. Her mask if she tries.
"Nah."
"Come o-o-on," she emphasizes every o there.
"Every second we waste posing and arguing is another second Magnemite is in trouble." Reverse psychology, bitch. Nobody can beat it.
She gasped. "You're right! Let's hurry!" She snapped out of the pose and began speeding off, me following in tow. I just wanted to check out the buildings I saw way off, not go on another wacky adventure with what could be the most annoying companion in the world.
Longest walk of my life. It felt like I went across an entire country! How did Ms. Peachy even know where to go? Does she even know where she's going? Nevertheless, we arrived at a cave entrance that was at the base of a mountain. There were two metal spheres with… Magnets… For wings… Flying. I cannot make this up.
"Let's get this over with," I muttered when I saw them and got over my initial shock.
"What'd you say?" Ms. Peachy asked. She then appeared to spot what I was seeing. "The Magnemites! Let's go!" She ran off towards the Magna Cartas.
I was much more lax in my approach. I honestly had no reason to burst into a full sprint, and my legs are a bitch to move regardless. It's as if I have to waddle to get anywhere, and no amount of trying to get better at walking helped. Once I caught up, I heard discussion with a metallic electric-y droning voice.
"MY FRIENDS ARE IN THIS CAVERN. BZBZBZZ. MY FRIENDS SHOULD BE ON THE SIXTH FLOOR DOWN. PLEASE HELP THEM! BZBZBZZZT!" My ears felt like they were bleeding.
"We'll do that right away! Come on, Tony, let's do this!" Ms. Peachy said without turning around. She then ran off into the dark, foreboding cave that any reasonable person would stay well away from.
I sighed and followed her as she expected me to. "YOU APPEAR QUITE RELUCTANT TO FOLLOW HER. BZ."
I was shocked and turned to face the thing. "Yeah, it's early for me. Following it is a bit difficult." The spheres faced each other for a moment, then looked back at me.
"IT? DO YOU MEAN HER? BZBZ." Oh my god. If it's a beetle, it's an it.
Damn it, slip of the tongue. I'm not used to calling it a her. Well, I might as well stick to my guns. "I mean it."
"SHE PROBABLY DOES NOT APPRECIATE BEING CALLED AN IT. BZBZZZT," a deeper metallic voice droned.
"I'll see what I can do for… her." This has been one of those days, and it's just going to get worse. Might as well accept everything and get this over with. Sooner I can rest my legs, the sooner I can hopefully have a better day tomorrow, though that's asking a lot with Ms. Peachy around.
I kept walking forward into the foreboding cave full of mystery, death, and decay. Probably those last two, anyway. Most caves have those, I think.
I ran into Ms. Peachy from behind because the dark walls were interesting to look at. "Oh, there you are, Tony, I thought you got lost."
"Yes, I'd get lost in the straight hallway."
She looked at me for a moment before giggling. "Is that sarcasm? I definitely know it's funny." I'm surrounded by dumbasses. "Unless you were being serious. I'm sorry if you were, I didn't know, and I know I can get lost going in a straight path sometimes, especially when it's dark and-"
"It was sarcasm." That's enough.
"Oh," it then sighed in relief. She sighed. God damnit, don't start again. "Good. I get worried sometimes." We then walked in the dark in complete silence. That was until I felt something hard graze my side. I look down, and I see the beetle way too close to me.
I cough, prompting the beetle to jump and move away. "Sorry, I was just… Making sure we looked like a team. I hope you don't mind too much. I read up on rescue teams and a lot have close bonds and stick together and, and," she paused for a breath, "and worked with each other and-"
"Shhh," I hushed, putting my claw-like hand on her mask face. "Shut your face please, I'm having an aneurysm." No I'm not, but she wouldn't know.
Her eyes opened wide. "Aneur-what?"
"Shhhh," I insisted. It stayed qu- She stayed quiet. Still coming to grips here. I looked around and saw the cave was descending downward.
That's when I spotted something in the distance. "Is that a fucking dingo?" It looked like a dingo, but was remarkably dark for one. Hell, its fur was grey.
"A whatting what?" You're useless.
"A dingo!" I yell out, raising myself up to try to intimidate it away. Admittedly, I am not Australian, but I feel like I have a chance.
Suddenly, the dingo began racing towards me. "A poochyena!" Captain Obvious pointed out. "I read up on those Pokémon! You just have to-"
The 'poochyena' was dangerously close, so I stopped listening to her and sighed as hard as I could. It was easy with this ability of mine to destroy anything that dare opposes. This useless stream of water made me invincible! The dingo bit the dust as it went down. Now that's how we do it in the down under. The outback? Australia.
"Woah. Your Water Gun is pretty strong." I turned to face Ms. Peachy.
"It's… Not a gun?"
She stares at me for a moment before saying, "It is a Water Gun."
Okay. Whatever. I chose not to debate. I have a gun now. 2nd amendment up in this bitch, I guess.
I turn back around wordlessly, and we continued walking around, just looking out for stuff. Suddenly I spotted one of the blue gushers off in the distance.
"Don't mind if I do!" I shouted, trying to sprint towards it, but more or less hopping.
"Wait, Tony, watch out for that Nidor-"
I felt a rip at my side, sending me to the floor. "Hell no, that gusher is mine!" I yelled, trying to pick myself up. I then looked over at the opposition in question, and it was…
A blue bunny thing? What? And what did Ms. Peachy call it? Did… Did she call it the N word? Am I in the south?
It growled at me, to which I replied with a sigh, blasting that motherfucker with my newly named marine firearm. Oo-rah.
The thing was forced back by the blow, and fell onto its back, defeated. "Damn straight. Now where's that-" I looked over towards the gusher to see it was picked up by one of those purple rat things.
"I got it!" Ms. Peachy yells as she runs straight past me and flings herself at the rat thing. It never even stood a chance. With that velocity, nothing would survive a metallic beetle.
The gusher flew up into the air, and Peachy grabbed it somehow, shoving it into the bag. It was at this point I remembered I was on the ground. I fixed that real quick, and then I walk up to her.
"Yo, pass me that."
"Oh! Yes, you'd need that after taking a hit like that from a Nidoran," she grabs the gusher out of the bag, "Here's the Oran Berry."
I take it immediately, then say, "Gusher. This is now, officially, a Gusher," I point at her menacingly, "Do not argue with me on this."
"Um… Okay?" Good. That was far easier than I thought it'd be. "You say a lot of funny things."
I almost bite down into it, but then think for a moment. I put it back into the bag she has out. Toolbag, I think we called it? "It's all a part of this coma induced fever dream."
"This what induced what dream?"
Just keep walking forward and don't answer any questions. That's how I'll find the thing I was supposed to be looking for. Wait.
"Hey, what were we even supposed to be looking for?"
"Tony! We're trying to rescue Magnemite, don't you remember? We're a RESCUE TEAM," she heavily emphasized in a tone not unlike mine most of the time.
"Yeah, yeah," I agreed, knowing full well I dug this hole myself and that I'd have to lie in it.
"Oh, so that's what you respond to," she murmured behind me. I sure won't let her know I heard anything. That'll just lead to more dialogue. If I wanted to talk to my inner demons, I'd have started long ago.
I kept going, watching out for any more good stuff. There were piles of gold coins here and there, and Peachy scooped them up as quickly as possible. At this rate, skip the small countries, I shall purchase all of Africa! Except Somalia. I don't want to deal with them. The only cool pirates either have black beards or peruse the Caribbean.
Speaking of perusing, I found a staircase. In a cave. I don't question these things anymore.
I went on autopilot for a while until beetle lady decided to bump into me. "Look out! It's a Voltorb!"
I… I'm at a loss for words. The other things were at least based off animals. This is literally just a sphere with eyes. You can't make this shit up.
"It creates electric attacks, which are incredibly deadly and can paralyze you!" Excellent. "See, because you're a Water-type, and it's an Electric-type, this isn't a good matchup, unless you have a ground type move, but you probably don't, so I would really…" she listed off, but then took a breath. "Let me take it."
"Cool. See you in the other room," I started walking forward. She's got this apparently. Though, the ball is sparking a little bit, and little yellow crackling flashes are all around it.
"Wait, Tony, st-"
I blacked out the moment I felt the equivalent of a fork in an electrical socket times a hundred. I did not look forward to the hangover.