fifth chapter : a new name

The wind was softly blowing through Malfoy's hair. It was already mid-November, but the weather was merciful today, so it seemed every student favoured having a sunbath rather than studying. Hermione didn't. Well, she was at the library, currently empty, but wasn't exactly studying for any class. She intended to formulate a plan in order to corner Malfoy to finally apologize and let him know how she had always wanted both to move beyond their defensiveness. She felt ready to take the bull by the horns, and have their situation sorted out. She had considered getting rejected, humiliated, laughed at, but nothing seemed to afraid her enough to stop her now. Nothing, nothing, but the sight, by the library window, of his hair flowing like rays of sunshine illuminating the whole schoolyard, could. She didn't want to acknowledge that she felt butterflies in her stomach, she had more important things to think about, and although her reputation was to be impetuous she tried to manage her emotions enough so she could concentrate on her objectives. Today, it was Malfoy. For the past months it had always been learning and gathering knowledge to live up to her reputation of being The Brightest Witch of Her Age, in order to defeat Voldemort if he ever happened to reappear. And now, for once in her life, despite it might be perceived as selfish, she would follow her own desire, not for taking care of her best-friends, not for her scholarly future or not for saving the world; she was saving herself from years of pretending, faking. She could never have hoped for it to happen, but for the last month Malfoy had hinted that it was time for the both of them to defy their social differences. She couldn't explain how she got that, but she did. Maybe because in a way, they were very similar : they shared eyegaze, more glimpses actually, but never displayed any emotion in doing so. Of course, she tried to make hers as caring as possible, and his showcased interest, which was more than his usual disgust with everyone else. That was good enough for Hermione to risk embarrassment. She kept staring at the back of his neck, amazed by how peaceful he appeared, among his peers, in that crowded courtyard. Then he turned slightly to the left, laughed at something someone said and, what seemed intentionally, raised his eyes up to the window she was sitting at. She was practically sure he couldn't see her from there, but she panicked anyway. She jumped to the floor, laying on it. What an idiot she was. What was he going to think now, if he actually could see her? She sat, on the floor still, reunited her legs together and started sobbing quietly. There might seem like there was no reason for her to cry at the moment, and a bit ridiculous since anyone could walk in that empty library, but she cried anyway. Mood swings, or at least that's what they're called to the masses. For her, it was bigger than that. Although, with the muggle pills she took, her mood was more and more stable, any violent emotion could be very distressing, and trigger a bigger reaction than anyone else would have. And despite it being pretty incapacitating at times, or having to control herself any time it happened in public, Hermione would not swap her illness for anyone's healthy life. Her disorder was what made stronger over the years, what built her against this world, who seemed to completely overlook mental health's importance, at least in the magic world. She had learned the hard way that in there, you don't talk about issues everyone prefers to ignore : when she founded the SPEW last year, she faced harsh rejection, even from muggle-born peers. She worked hard for the elfish welfare, to bring it up to daylight, but anywhere she went, people would rather play blind than support her. She wouldn't make the mistake of wasting her time and energy this time. Getting diagnosed had been a blessing so far, and her parents were very supportive of her, which meant it could only get better, right?
A soft hand placed itself on her head. She quivered, too afraid to raise her teary face, and to discover who it was. She desperately needed to blow her nose first. She waited, until the person took off their hand, and started walking towards the exit. Their footsteps were light, almost aery, which might explain why she didn't perceive them through her tears when they came in. The steps stopped, so Hermione thought she was safe enough to raise her head. Malfoy was looking at her, by the door frame, his right hand relying on it, as if he were about to leave the room. But from what she could see, his silhouette hadn't moved a bit for the past minute, and he seemed to have no intention of disappearing like he did all the time she tried to approach him. He suddenly turned around, and rushed to get to her, sitting his ass on the ground next to her, and grabbing her chin with two fingers, gently.
"Malfoy, I-I'm sorry for being impolite I shouldn't have been watching you b-but you've been impossible to reach ever since that encounter a-and I've been trying to insufflate trust whenever I was "chasing" you, I just-"
"Do you have any idea how hard you make my life?"
Hermione didn't expect that. That question hit her so hard, tears began to form in her eyes.
"Well I'm sorry for troubling you, but at least you could have done it in a more gentlemanly way, no need to push me away by being mean." Their faces were very close already, but Malfoy drew closer to hers.
"Granger…" His voice was deep and sensual. Their eyes interlocked, and he tightened his grip around her chin.
"Malfoy?" She was out of breath, her voice quivering.
"I was talking about how hard it has been to resist you, your approaches, your deep hazelnut eyes scrutinising me everywhere I go, the way your hair curls whenever it gets humid and not imagining myself running my hand through it…"
She was practically panting now. Her face felt hot, as well as.. the rest of her body. "I'm out of words…" she said. As he was about to lean in, Hermione's body was hit by striking fear and excitation, which didn't mix well with her disorder. She pushed him away !
"I'm so sorry" she said, "I'm afraid I believed that I was strong enough to endure all of this, but I can't. Please don't get mad at me!" and she got up and ran away from the library. She eached the girls' bathroom, breaking down into tears, yet once more for today. She sobbed, on that floor, so loud even Myrtle wouldn't interrupt her. Or wouldn't she?
"Hermione… Hermione? HERMIONE !" Myrtle yelled.

"WHAT?" shouted Hermione, raising her head, tears still flowing from eyes. But she didn't see Myrtle. All she could see was Malfoy, standing right in front of her, worryingly looking at her.
"You can't be here," she informed him "and why would you be in the first place?"
"Isn't that obvious? I followed you because I was worried about you, isn't that what we do for people we care about?"
She didn't know what to answer to that, so she just sat there, not quite sure what to do with herself.
"Oh for Merlin's sake Granger," he kneeled down, sitting right in front of her face, grabbed a coton tissue and wiped away her tears "you can't always be at your best, I get that. And you're probably scared of a lot of things. But gladly for the both of us, that is not what I'm asking you. I don't pretend to understand everything you're going through, but I'm willing to learn if you are to teach me. So what I'm asking is that you stop pushing me away. Oh and the dead stares, I would also love if you could keep them for Snape, they're quite dreadful."
"The dead stare?"
"You know!"
"I really don't."
"Well, sometimes you just seem to black out, like the other day when we were staring at each other and Snape caught us, when I stared back at you I felt nothing but.. the void inside your beautiful eyes. I really don't like that."
"Ah…This is when I get into shutdown mode because too many emoti- wait a minute, did you just say that Snape caught us?"
"N-no, I just meant me. He caught me! not us. Don't know why I said "us" haha, my tongue must have slipped. Don't worry about it, really, I just-"
"What would I get caught for?"
"Nothing! I told you my tongue slip-"
"Malfoy, what did YOU get caught for?" He stood up again and started walking around the lavatories.
"Ahem, well, you know, Snape has its own way of thinking, and his sanity is probably long gone from years spent in that dungeon, wishing for the Defence Against Dark Arts Teacher's positio-"
"Malfoy cut it short."
"Aaaaa I can't Granger, I can't. You already know what I'm about to say so I don't exactly understand what's the point of this interrogation."
"Just say it," she watched him walk around the room some more and come back to kneel and face her once more "say it or I won't." The face he made was priceless to her. He started smiling like no other and physically getting excited, his face showing signs of color, his breath being cut short and his pupils widening a bit.
"So… y-you mean.."
"Malfoy, if you keep playing with my emotions, I swear I might change my mi-"
And just like that, he was kissing her. His lips were soft as velvet, feeling like an invitation to dance, not at all like he was forcing her to do anything. He was so soft, Granger thought she was dreaming... but then their lips slowly parted. She opened her eyes, to two silver very mellow eyes. She closed her eyes again, to enjoy the moment. She was clearly dreaming.
"Don't make me say it in the girls' bathroom Granger," which made her chuckle "please wait for it. I will surprise you one day, and tell you in a way no one could forget, even under an Obliviate spell. I want to make it special for the now most special person in my life. So please be patient with me okay I promise it'll live up to your expectat-" And now she was kissing him. She wasn't nearly as experienced, but she managed to deliver passion, so much he went back for more. Malfoy's mouth opened and his tongue preyed for an opening in hers, which she happily complied to. He grabbed her cheek to deepen the kiss and she shivered, which made them both chuckle. "Dammit Granger you really are something."
"Draco…" she whispered. Then it was all black.
end of the fifth chapter