Hi guys!
During some sleepless nights, I managed to write this one shot on which, I admit, I have many expectations.
I tried to write in a slightly different way than my usual, I'm not sure if I succeeded in my intent, but I tried to push myself beyond my abilities.
In any case, let me know! And any criticism is always welcome.
See you soon, H.
"Hailey…"
"Hey…", she whispers with a thick voice. If focuses hard enough, she can hear her heart beating right in her head.
Hailey moves slowly, glancing briefly at Kim and noticing her look terrified and angry at the same time.
"Oh my God, Hailey. What happened? I thought the plan was to wait for the right moment…"
"Yeah…", she whispers staring at the ceiling, "It was the right moment, just didn't really go as planned."
"The phone call did. We're back on plan. They're setting up a meet right now. We sit tight, Hailey, wait for the team."
"That's good…"
"Yeah, that's good…"
"Okay…"
That's all she can say before sinking into her thoughts.
She just wants to fall asleep, maybe pass out, knowing perfectly well it would be the only way to stop thinking.
She hears Kim sighing heavily beside her and all she would like to do is talk to her so she can clarify that damn situation. What she saw that morning between her and Adam was so wrong. But she knows that the really wrong thing is the situation between her and Adam, wrong from the start. She knows, but right now she can't think about it. She can't lighten her head enough to think about it.
She opens and closes her eyes a couple of times. Every time she breathes, something in her stomach hurts.
She tries to remember the last tetanus shot she made and maybe it dates back to the year before. She really doesn't know. She remembers getting the flu shot, she went to Med with Jay and getting him to get it was so hard. Remembers Jay's indignant silence for the rest of the day. If she succeeds, she would like to laugh at that memory. But she can't, if she opens her mouth only a groan of pain comes out.
So shuts up and looks at the ceiling.
One breath after another.
And then a shadow moves next to the window and suddenly there is Booth in front of her, behind her. There's Booth on top of her. Booth is everywhere in that basement, moving around her quickly, slipping into the fog of her thoughts.
And you know it's all in your imagination, but that doesn't stop the terror from settling at that deepest point in your stomach - she realizes.
"Hailey, stay awake!"
Kim's voice hits her brain like a hammer and the fog around her suddenly vanishes.
"Sit down. Hailey, sit down!"
She opens and closes her eyes slowly, her gaze fixed on the ceiling, "'M fine, just give me a sec."
"No, you sit down now! C'mon!"
Kim yanks the chain beside her feet causing the sound to boom in her brain at multiplied volume. Hailey slowly sits up and then there's Garrett.
Garrett throwing Booth away, Garrett taking her to the hospital, Garrett disappearing forever.
She realizes, with a faint note of panic, she no longer remembers his voice and, thinking well, cannot understand how long she hasn't remembered it anymore.
"Hailey, you with me?"
"Yeah", she nods to Kim as sees Garrett vanish into the mist, "With you, I'm fine."
She sees her looking around, her eyes dart in every corner of the room and she can recognize the nervous gesture of biting her lip. Kim looks at her sideways and she waits, she knows she's about to say something and she wants to be ready. Only that, when she speaks, her words dig something inside her.
"Why did you follow me? You were in the surveillance van. Why?"
Hailey looks at her and takes a few seconds to really focus on it. Do they really know so little? Is there so little trust between them?
And in an instant, Hailey realizes that she and Kim never took the time to really get to know each other, to bond. They are the only two women in the unit, yet in many ways they are unknown. It was no secret Kim was more attached to Kevin and Antonio - of course Adam - and it was just as obvious that Hailey had found in Jay her best confidant.
But were they really so distant from each other?
"I wouldn't have…", she clears her throat with a dry cough, "You needed backup. That's why we are here in two. Never alone."
She knows the last words came out more strangled than she wanted and stupidly blames the head injuries. But she is perfectly aware they are not the real cause of her failure.
An UC alone is a thing she doesn't wish anyone. Being kidnapped alone, she would never have allowed it. She knows what it's like to be alone and not knowing if someone will be able to find you. She would never have allowed Kim to have such an experience.
Her vision becomes blurred and, again, she plunges into her world of shadows.
This time Booth slams her into the car, her head hits the door and something in his hands crawling over her makes bile rise in her mouth.
Garrett's figure fades and his partner's green eyes are now staring at her in concern. She would like to apologize to him.
You were right, Jay - she would like to tell him - I was too involved.
But she knows he understood her. Jay always understands her.
"Hailey?"
Her head jumps up and the fog clears leaving Hailey wrapped in the cold of the basement.
"Hailey, it's me. It's Kim, not Jay, It's Kim."
She lowers the hands she didn't realize she had raised in front of her face, as far as possible from the chains, and focuses on Kim.
"You don't have to sleep. Please, Hailey."
She nods absently, too focused on remembering what she was imagining. Or dreaming?
She couldn't understand what she might have said to get Kim to specify that it wasn't Jay. But she doesn't want to ask. She should give explanations doesn't want to give. She knows Kim is a good one, but her life is just too personal and she can't really imagine telling what she's been through to someone else.
"I'm fine. I was just a little bit far, but I'm fine. I don't even have a headache."
It's a lie and they both know it. But hey, even if she told the truth, would that change anything?
...
Her heart beats fast in her chest as she realizes Kim will be able to really free herself. She has a chance to make it. Somehow, Hailey feels she has succeeded in her goals: to have her back and save her.
"Keep it going. Let me see", Hailey encourages Kim and almost screams with joy when her hands are finally free, "Come on, you can do it. Well done, yeah!"
The nerve endings of her fingers tingle seeing Kim finally completely free from the ties that tied her to that pole.
Kim flutters around her like a fury, her hands feverishly working around the chains still tightened around her wrists.
For a second - just a goddamn second - Hailey still slips into her nightmare. The fog falls on the warehouse, around her. The fog absorbs Kim, absorbs noises, absorbs colors.
And she's alone.
And she's cold.
But then her hands are jerked and Kim is in front of her again.
You are alive - she says.
Breathe - she remembers.
"Give me your hands", she studies the chains wrapped around her wrists and she can't help but observe the determination in her gestures, "Okay, I'm looking for something."
Kim walks away and the frantic noise she makes while looking for something in the basement comes muffled. Hailey looks at her hands, the chains have scratched her skin and tiny drops of blood have dried down her wrists.
The chains wrap so many times around her hands and she knows Kim won't be able to free her. Not in time to save them both. The risk of one of the two idiots returning to them is so high and she feels terror creeping up her spine.
"You'll never be able to break them. You have to get out of here", she whispers as Kim walks back to her.
But she doesn't listen to her, still so focused on her wrists.
"Listen to me, you have to call Voight! No, hey!"
Kim doesn't think, Hailey knows. Kim has completely closed her brain and the only goal that pushes her to move is to free her. But that's not what she wants. That's not what she's there for. Kim has to save herself, Kim has to get out of there and save herself.
"I outrank you, this is an order! Get out of here!"
Hailey would like to be able to be intimidating. But her voice is more pleading than she can control.
"I'm not leaving without you."
"So we'll both die."
Damn, Kim. Damn.
"So we'll both die", she stares at her for a second. And Hailey only reads awareness in her eyes. She knows what she's doing, she knows what she's risking. But Kim is turning away from her, Kim is trying to save her. And she hates it.
Damn, Kim. I need to save you - Hailey thinks.
"It's useless. Kim, let's find a way to lead the team to us. Okay?"
She nods walking away and Hailey can breathe better. Maybe she managed to convince Kim and she's sure that once she breathes the fresh air, she'll realize it's right for her to be saved.
"Found!", and she doesn't even believe it as she says it. Those two idiots left matches and alcohol in the same basement where they hid them, "A fire. It will attract attention."
"Yup. And it'll scare those two idiots."
Hailey smiles slightly at her words and her heart flutters slightly in her chest as she sees Kim slowly walk up the steps and, after one last warning look, she disappeared behind the door.
"Good", she whispers into the void and the silence that reigns in the room seems to make her word bounce in every corner.
Hailey looks around slowly trying to memorize every detail of that basement.
She hopes that maybe, maybe, that piece of wood in the farthest corner or that rope a few meters away from her or that hammer on the second shelf behind her back could be useful.
She looks at her wrists wrapped around the chain and releases a bitter laugh.
"Useful my ass."
Breathe - she repeats.
You've done your job, Kim will be safe.
She just wants to convince herself.
...
"Hailey. We're here."
She recognizes Adam's voice and a part of her own brain says 'it's okay, Hailey'.
She hears Antonio scream at that idiot she still holds between her legs.
The team has arrived, everything is over. She knows it. But there is another part of her - the one that screams 'Defend yourself, Hailey. Fight, Hailey' - who won't let her loosen her muscles.
She can't let her guard down, she can't. Booth would win and once again Garrett would disappear into thin air.
But then she opens her eyes again and, in front of her, there is no Booth, around her there is no voice of Garrett. There is only confusion, many hands on her and then there's Kim with a gun in her hand and panting.
And suddenly she understands everything.
No more Booth. Garrett is dead. Adam holds you. Antonio in front of you. And then Voight's hoarse voice from Adam's radio.
And she's tired of fighting. Her legs loosen and the idiot bends over on himself coughing in search of air.
And her hands hurt, her head hurts. Her whole body hurts. But all she can focus on is her breath and heart pounding.
She's done fighting.
"Upton, you good?"
"I'm fine. Kim, look at Kim", she mutters shaking her head. She's still lying on the ground and Adam's holding her head on his legs. Voight looks at her with that look that might make her waver and admit that she feels crap, but right now she's too tired for even that.
Part of her head registers Kim coughing and she can almost imagine the bruises she knows will pop up on the pale skin of her neck.
Damn, Kim, you should have gotten to safety. She thinks it and a touch of anger blooms in her stomach.
Her eyes drop and she looks at her wrists and the chains that have carved into her flesh. She knows she'll have marks in her skin for days and, again, she's back in that room, where Garrett is still alive and she thinks she's about to die.
She notices her hands shaking only when the metallic noise of the chains penetrates her brain.
She clings to that constant, clear, rhythmic noise. Try in every way not to sink into the darkness of her mind. Try to keep away those monsters that are gripping the bowels by dragging it deep.
The weight of Voight's hand on her shoulder almost drives her mad though.
It's not Booth - she tells herself.
It's not Booth - she repeats in her mind over and over.
You're alive. You're alive.
She shrugs his hand off. She shrugs all their hands off. Slips off Adam's legs as far as the chains allow. She can't stand it, she really can't stand being touched.
She wants to breathe. She wants to get away. She wants to be alone. She knows the weight on her chest, knows she's panicking.
But she's tired of fighting.
Adam strokes her hair while his other hand tightens around hers trying to stop the shaking.
Breathe, Hailey, it's Adam. It's just Adam, it's okay - she thinks.
But it's not okay, Adam is loud and his voice, while gentle, booms in her brain with force.
She just wants silence. The calm. And if she closes her eyes, the calm she desires has a strange shade of green she immediately recognizes.
"Halstead, bring the bolt cutters", she recognizes Voight's voice. She recognizes it, but she can't breathe.
And then he's there.
"Jay", she breathes.
And suddenly everything is fine. She can breathe again.
You're alive - she remembers - There's Jay, you're safe now.
"Jay," another breath and her bound hands reach out to him.
She needs to get out, she needs fresh air. Everything in that basement reminds her of Booth.
"Hailey. I'm cutting the chain, I need you not to freak out", he speaks slowly, "It's just us, no freak out."
And finally the shade of green she has imagined so far is in front of her.
You're alive - she says - There's Jay now.
"Hailey, I'll take you out."
Jay's there. Jay knows Booth's story. Jay knows what to do.
Breathe - she thinks - There's Jay, you're safe now.
...
Hailey blinks a few times against the cold light from the ER. Adam's next to her and his leg has been bouncing up and down for at least half an hour. Hailey would be almost ready to punch him, but she knows why he's upset and prefers to keep quiet.
She sees Will Halstead running to the ER and a slight smile slips on her lips. He has the same concentrated expression he sees every day on his partner's face on the other side of their desks.
She's so lost in her silent world that she barely notices the subject of her reasoning quickly makes their way to her stretcher, a stack of papers in his hands.
He smiles at her with that smile she recognizes immediately but Hailey doesn't have time to reciprocate because his hands come close to her face and her groan of pain makes him giggle.
"Sorry Hailey, I'll finish sewing the cut on your forehead and then you're free to go."
They remain silent, the noises of the ER don't even stop behind the curtains around her stretcher. Despite the light anesthesia, the needle in her skin makes Hailey's toes squeeze in discomfort.
She glances briefly to her right and almost winces as he realizes Adam's presence. For a second, she expected to see her partner - with a white face and a disgusted expression for the needle in his brother's hand.
She had forgotten Adam's insistence to accompany her to the hospital. She had forgotten Kim had been released two hours before her.
Breathe, Hailey. She still happens to have to repeat it.
She looks away, focusing on the doctor's face in front of her. She finds that studying Will offers her a welcome distraction from the pain in her body.
The splash of freckles is noticeable on Will's fair skin but is much less pronounced than Jay's. She remembers the little freckles on his partner's lips and is amazed she remembers his face so well. They've never been this close, but Hailey likes to look at details.
And Jay is interesting to watch. She understood this as soon as started working in Intelligence. There are a lot of small attitudes that he's used to hiding behind indifference but that she has learned to recognize. She has always enjoyed watching him, recognizing those small movements unknown to anyone else but her.
She looks up slightly and Will's brown eyes surprise her. While sharing the shape, their color is so different. Will's brown is the opposite of the shades of green Hailey is used to seeing every single day.
"Okay, Detective. You are free to go. I'll leave you some painkillers. Please take them if you need them. Don't want to suffer, okay?"
Hailey nods, a finger slowly stroking her sore lip as she stands up.
Every part of her body hurts, but she knows it's all over and somehow that makes the pain more bearable.
The journey to the district is silent. Hailey leans her head against the window with her eyes half closed but she can feel Adam's nervousness crashing into her in waves.
"C'mon, just say it. C'mon, Adam."
He shakes his head in silence, the clicking of the arrow does nothing to calm the nerves she feels growing inside her.
"I really want to ask what all that Halstead thing was. But I know I would be liquidated with a simple 'it's a partner thing' and I don't really want to hear that."
Of the many things that could be expected, this was not on her list. She looks at him sideways, hugging her arms against her chest. She can't hold back the hiss of pain when pushes against the wound in the abdomen.
"I don't understand what you're saying. Adam, what's going on?"
"Oh come on, Hailey. Let's not play this game. You were freaking out and then Halstead comes and you're a little lamb! Do not play me!"
He slams the door behind him and Hailey jumps in the seat. She didn't realize they had arrived in the district but it seems to her that it's an excellent opportunity to get away from what seems to be the most ridiculous conversation she has ever had.
She slips out of the car as quickly as her body allows and slams the door behind her, "We're not having this conversation here."
She faces him for a second, then passes him as she approaches the rear entrance to the district.
"Hailey. Hailey, sorry. "
Adam immediately joins her, his footsteps echoing in the silent parking lot.
He's a good guy - she remembers.
"Hailey, c'mon", he blocks her way, looking at her gently. Bring his hand close to hers, touching the flayed skin of her wrist.
But she can't, not yet. She's tired, she's in pain and Adam doing his pointless drama. Can't face it now.
"Yeah, okay. Everything good."
She shakes her shoulders casually but a pang of pain radiates from the center of the back to the chest.
God damn, she sighs indignantly.
"No, wait. Can we talk about it tonight?"
"I have other plans tonight, sorry."
She smiles at him as much as her aching face permits, passes him and walks away from him.
She knows perfectly well Adam expected to know what plans he had, but she had no intention of letting him know.
He's a good guy, he really is. Maybe one of the best - if she's honest.
She simply knows from the start that they are not made to be together. It's fun, of course it is. But it's nothing more. And if it gets too busy to handle at work, Hailey would have no doubt about the right decision to make.
She climbs the stairs with a heavy step - much heavier than the one that normally distinguishes her - but what she can concentrate on is the thought of what she'll have to do that evening: face Kim.
She hears the voices of the rest of the team from afar, Adam's footsteps behind her.
She almost feels like she has ultra-sensitive senses, as if she still expected to open her eyes and still be chained to the pole in the cold cellar lost in the woods.
But then again, the shade of green is there and it's the first thing she sees as soon as turns the corner in Intelligence.
"You good?"
"Yeah, good", she replies automatically trying to escape his gaze.
She approaches her desk shaking her coat from her shoulders and almost hopes to be able to shake off the effect that his anguished eyes have on her.
And then, there's Voight and she leans against her desk with a hiss of pain. Listen to his speech that digs a hole in her stomach.
She doesn't want to admit how Kim's discovery of her thing with Adam upset her that morning, but it was a shock for her and she knew perfectly well.
...
"Hey, there you are. Couldn't find you."
Jay comes out of the dark and Hailey jumps on the stool in front of Kim. It's a quick and almost imperceptible gesture, but the way she hits the table and the vibration of the whiskey in the mugs makes her fright evident.
"Hey Jay", Kim waves the mug at him with a tired smile.
"Uh, celebrating without me. So rude", he chuckles occupying the empty stool.
His face is almost totally in the shadows but Hailey perfectly notices the worried look in his eyes.
It's Jay, it's okay.
She doesn't know why, but she keeps repeating it like a mantra all day - doesn't do it on purpose. She sees him around and knows she's safe. It's something that comes naturally to her, as it was natural to trust him.
She's aware of not wanting to face those thoughts - not now and maybe never - so she takes the last sip of whiskey in one go, tilting her head back.
The movement must have given Jay a good view of her injured face because the way his eyes lock on her makes her heart beat a little faster.
It's just Jay - she repeats - he's your partner.
She stares at the empty cup and is about to reach for the bottle when it's pulled away by Jay who closes it and puts it in the cabinet.
"Let's go for a ride."
He opens the door and a cold wind crashes into them. She knows she would get nothing by fighting him, so Hailey slowly puts on her coat and moves towards him. But Kim hesitates, stops to look at her coat and then at them.
She wants to deny, Hailey sees it in her eyes. And maybe she's just thinking about a credible excuse not knowing that, at this point, Jay could even drag her into his arms.
Kim shakes her head slowly, mumbles something that sounds like 'Kevin is…'
"No way I'll leave you here. I'm the only one left. Let's go, Burgess."
And Hailey sees resignation in Kim's eyes, dresses up and slowly follows them. Hailey sinks into Jay's passenger seat and enjoys the immediate warmth as soon as he starts the car. She huddles herself, casting a quick glance behind her where Kim sits rigidly staring into space.
Her eyes fall on Jay, silent and focused. He may be a thousand miles away lost in his mind, but Hailey perfectly recognizes the little frown on his forehead.
In the dark, his eyes are this dark green and they seem to be hiding so many secrets that, Hailey realizes, they really do.
"Feel free to join us whenever you want, Kimmy", Jay lightly claps his hand on the seat, before closing the door behind him, leaving them alone in the car.
"It's just a thing we do", Hailey shrugs as if it were logical.
She doesn't realize that for the rest of the world, the kind of relationship she and Jay have, maybe isn't just normal.
A few seconds pass before she follows him - doesn't she always? - and tightens her coat in the cold Chicago night.
She leans against the dock, not far from where Jay is sitting. And when her bent knee touches his thigh, she stops considering his reaction. But Jay doesn't move, still the usual expressionless Jay.
The silence between them is not heavy and Hailey loses her gaze in the river just enjoying his presence.
Somehow, she knew they would end there, she just didn't think it would happen with Kim watching them. It was different from their usual routine, but knowing Jay - and she knows him so well - she should have expected it. After what had happened that day, it was obvious that he wanted to help both of them. It's such a Jay classic behavior.
"You want to talk about it?"
She jumps slightly at the sigh that reaches her ears. She looks at him and, again, the shade of green absorbs her. Hailey inhale deeply and - again - his cologne seems to seep into every fiber of her.
"Not really, no…", she laughs bitterly, "I'm not fine, Jay. But I'll be fine, just need some time."
She's surprised at herself and the words she said as soon as they left her mouth.
But then again, there's only Jay there, and she can be vulnerable with Jay.
"Hailey…", this time he's the one giggling bitterly. Jay rests his elbows on his knees and his face is nestled in his hands, "I'm sorry for today. All went to hell in a second and…"
"No, don't do that."
She shakes her head before realizing he can't see her, then reaches out and rests it on his yet pressed to his eyes.
"It's not your fault, it's not my fault. It's nobody's fault. Just our job."
The silence is interrupted only by the wind, the night is clear and the part of the pier where they are is far enough away from the passage of cars.
"Jay… Don't doubt about what you did. I knew you'd be the one to save me, you know? Didn't even doubt it for a second."
Her words catch his attention because his eyes, so clear again, stop on her and Hailey must remember to breathe in front of the surprise and emotion she reads there.
Breathe, Hailey - she thinks.
But almost laughs at the absurdity of the situation. Until a few hours ago she had to remember to breathe because the terror was so ingrained within her it prevented her from thinking straight. Now she has to remember to breathe because what she reads in his eyes is so heavy and important that she isn't sure she's ready to face it.
No, she's sure she's not ready at all, but that doesn't stop her from enjoying his eyes on her.
His car door and a series of footsteps pull Hailey out of his gaze and she suddenly remembers Kim's presence, who slowly is approaching them and the confusion in her gaze must set a bell in Jay's brain as well, as he sees him pointing to the free space next to him inviting her to sit down.
They don't say anything for a few minutes, but Hailey isn't sorry. She's just enjoying that quiet silence with half-closed eyes. Somehow, the cold wind helps her relieve the pain in her face.
"I don't mean to be rude but…", Kim mutters, "What are we doing here?"
Jay giggles and Hailey enjoys the way his laughter bubbles inside her.
"We stay here together when we want to be alone. We talk, we don't, it doesn't matter. It helps us get to work the next day. It's cathartic."
"Cathartic. You read this in the dictionary today."
"You, smart ass", Jay laughs giving her a dirty look and suddenly Kim giggles too.
And then Jay stiffens and Hailey is ready. Like an automatic reflex, when Jay is alert, Hailey is alert. It takes her a few seconds to see Jay relax and slowly move backwards.
She has to squint in the dark, but then there she is, Kim leaning against Jay's shoulder sobbing silently.
The silence is broken only by the wind and short sobs and Hailey knows everything will be fine. Just having Jay there is a certainty that everything will be fine for her, but it's something she really can't deal with right now.
"You're a good one, Jay Halstead."
And if Hailey didn't know him enough, she wouldn't notice the slight tinge of red that instantly tints his cheeks after Kim's words.
Hailey closes her eyes again, a slight smile on her lips. The silence that falls between them is full of tiredness, thoughts and maybe - maybe - even peace.
You're alive - she thinks.
You can breathe, Jay is your partner.