Chapter 2: Oh my God, they killed the McCormicks! You bastards!

Kenny McCormick was, in spite of the complicated circumstances that surrounded his existence, a simple man. He firmly believed that all things in life were simpler than most people would assume. All the complications and deeper meanings people would try to put into life are to him, things he shouldn´t concern himself with.

If you asked most people why they loved their significant other, they would start waxing poetic about beauty, loyalty, companionship and other big and fancy words. Kenny would be content in saying "Bebe´s unbelievably hot, never let me down and I love hanging out with her. What else do you need, really?"

Many people could also draw a multitude of reasons for the number of children they had, citing economic reasons, personal preferences, life goals… But when confronted about having no less than five kids and his wife being pregnant with baby number six, Kenny would simply say "I love banging my wife, I love kids and I really don´t care much for condoms".
It´s probably a good thing his wife would have similar answers to those questions. And that Kenny was now one of the richest people in his circle of friends, second only to Wendy and Cartman.

You see, Kenny McCormick has a peculiar thing about him that separates him from his fellow men. Kenny dies. And comes back to life the next day like nothing ever happened. And by the time he was 18, he decided to take advantage of his predicament. He tried everything, from selling the organs that still worked on the black market to signing up as a test dummy for various types of research. Now, at the age 32, Kenny McCormick and his wife Bebe are the stars of the Discovery Channel hit series "The Life and Deaths of Kenny McCormick". Kenny would come up with increasingly creative ways to perish, and his wife, now a doctor, would explain in great detail the cause of his death. It was widely popular among rednecks, stoner teenagers and medical researchers, to the point where both his resurrection and deaths were the subject of many scientific papers that split the scientific community between those who believed Kenny was a regenerating mutant and those who believed he was actually cursed by Cthulhu.

But even the "Pro-Mutant" and "Pro-Cthulhu" crowds were unaware of another significant oddity in Kenny´s predicament. It all started when, at the age of 16, his then girlfriend was impaled by a telephone pole and came back to school the very next day. As she continued dying and bouncing back, he came to the conclusion that his peculiarity was sexually transmitted. It also came as a shock to him when his first son died in a car crash with his parents and was gleefully asking for chocolate milk the very next morning. By the time his wife had a miscarriage and still had the child anyway, Kenny was convinced that not only was it an STD but a hereditary trait as well. And so, the immortal McCormick family carried on with their lives and demises, while Kenny would still claim to be nothing but a simple man, concerned only with the simpler joys of life. When one´s life is destined to be full of suffering and death, enjoying the simple moments is a great way to avoid insanity.

And today was a day filled with a multitude of those simple joys. Karen Jr, named after Kenny´s sister, was turning two today. And a child´s birthday meant a birthday party, and a birthday party meant a lot of things. It meant that his house would be packed to the brim with the excited offspring of him and his friends. It meant birthday party food, like hot dogs and miniature pizzas. It meant that Kenny Jr (14), Kayla (12), Kevin (10), Peter (8) (They ran out of male names starting with K and they were NOT using Kyle) and Karen Jr (2) would be too preoccupied playing and entertaining themselves to be too much of a problem. It meant that both Kenny and Bebe had perfectly reasonable excuses to hang out with their friends until the late hours of Sunday. It meant that Kenny could buy his favorite cheap beer in multitudes and drink all of it with his buddies.

It also meant that, considering the amount of movement and simple mathematical probability, his entire family would be dying in gruesome ways before the morning. So, it was understandable, to Kenny and his asshole friends at least, that they were taking bets on who would bite the dust first.

"Five bucks says Kenny Jr goes first" Kenny said to Cartman
"Kenny Jr? Really? He´s just sitting there playing videogames. No way. Peter´s running around like a maniac outside, it´s gotta be him" Kyle answered.

"See, that´s exactly it: Kenny Jr is the calmer one right now. We always die in the most unexpected manner, so I'm positive his console is gonna short circuit any time now" Kenny answered. "I´m surprised none of you took a bet on me"

"You´re not drunk enough yet" Cartman said "We all know you´re gonna die as a result of being drunk today, as we already established that you´re a drunken redneck poor piece of crap" To which Kenny flipped him the bird

"Come on dude, he´s almost as rich as you are. How can you call him poor?" Stan countered

"Being a poor piece of crap has nothing to do with money, bitch. He might have money now, but deep inside we all know he´s still the poor piece of crap we´ve always known and loved" Cartman smiled, as he faked a loving smile to Kenny.
"That´s right." Kenny said "And even though you lost weight, you´re still the same fat bastard we all know and love, now who´s taking the bet?"
"Fellas, I´m not sure our wives would be too please seeing us bet on who dies first" Butters said, fearful of the wrath of his wife.

They all looked at him for a second, debating his input before entirely discarding the notion

"I´m betting Kevin or Peter" Said Stan. "Because they´re both playing with Cartman´s daughter. It´s only a matter of time before the hellspawn gets them killed"
"EY! DON´T CALL MAH DAUGHTER A HELLSPAWN, EMO BITCH!" Said Cartman
"To be fair, she has gotten them killed multiple times." Kyle said "Didn´t she get Kenny killed that one time?"
"Fucking Jew" Said Cartman.
Meanwhile, Bebe was coming over with a few snacks for the men
"I´m placing a bet on myself, actually" She said, as she laid the tray of nachos in their table "I´m the one closest to the stove and doing everything, so ten bucks says either the stove explodes, or I have a miscarriage from the exhaustion and die at the hospital"
"See Butters? Our wives are cool with it" Kyle said
"I´m not so sure about the rest of them" Bebe said "In fact, I´m starting a secondary bet. I´m betting Wendy is gonna be the first to get mad and beat up Cartman, followed by Sally grounding Butters, then Rebecca who´s gonna 'talk about this at home, Kyle' and lastly Henrietta who´s gonna slap the back of Stan´s head and call him a dumbass"

"Wendy´s first, no doubt, the Ho is gonna bitch at me first, but I´m betting Rebecca second, then Henrietta and Sally is gonna ground Butters at home" Cartman said
"You´re on, Cartman. Fifty bucks?" Bebe answered and they shook on it.
As the party progressed, no one was dying, the wives were just content in their small talk, the husbands were happily exchanging the usual insults over beer as they all were oblivious to the fact that outside of the house, the kids were planning a little mischief of their own.
"Alrighty, so everyone in on the plan? Marjorie fakes a cry, I pretend to punch, Kevin and Peter set fire to the cake, and Ben and Sam steal the ice cream from the fridge" Emily said as they sat together
"Gee, Emily, I´m not so sure that´s a good idea, I mean… what if they catch us?" Marjorie, Butter´s older daughter, complained
"Alright, new plan: I punch Marjorie for real, on the count of three?" Emily said
"Wait" Ben said
"What is it now, Jew?" Emily answered, annoyed
"Where do we take the Ice Cream?" Ben asked
"The treehouse, where the adults are too big to enter" Sam answered
"So that´s settled" Emily Said "On three"
"One"
"Two"
"Three. Let´s go!" She screamed.
At first, the plan seemed to go off without any hiccups. What the kids weren´t counting on is that, in that moment, the rest of the party was gathering to sing Happy Birthday. So, while all eyes were on Marjorie and Emily´s fight, Kevin and Peter were dumping a bottle of Vodka on the cake, which just happened to be very close to Kenny, Bebe, Kayla and Kenny Jr on account of the happy birthday starting. The entire McCormick family was set aflame in a matter of seconds, and in her agony, all Bebe McCormick could really bring herself to say were two words to the horrified males holding their beers.

"I win!" As she died before anyone else in the family
"Fucking bets" Kenny said, on his dying breath
"BET? YOU GUYS WERE BETTING ON WHO WOULD DIE FIRST, WEREN´T YOU?" Wendy said, as she kicked her husband in the shin
"BUTTERS, YOU ARE GROUNDED MISTER!" Sally said to her husband
"We´ll talk about this at home, Kyle" Rebecca said
"Dumbass" Henrietta said, as she slapped the back of Stan´s head
"OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED THE MCCORMICKS!" Stan said, to the three children remaining "

"YOU BASTARDS!" Kyle said
"Fucking great, I owe Bebe 50 bucks" Cartman said, earning him another kick from his wife
"Wait a minute, where´s Emily?" Wendy said, finally noticing her daughter was missing

Meanwhile, Emily was in the tree house happily eating all the ice cream she stole while the rest of the kids got lost in the chaos
"I love it when a plan comes together" She says to no one in particular

The wives went home, the kids got grounded and the husbands stayed until three a.m. to clean up the mess
"I knew this would happen" Butters muttered to himself shoving Bebe´s brain into a designated receptacle.
"Fucking Kenny" Stan said, as he wiped Kenny´s burnt skin from the window.