AN: Just some fun filler until I figure out how to wrap it up.
It was a little after eight in the evening on a cold October day. Race was completing his nightly rounds of the Compound, making sure that each kid was settled before he retired to his quarters. He always started with Hadji. The overly responsible one. The most self-reliant ten-year-old ever. Race understood why. Hadji had grown up fast. Before they had found him.
Secretly, Race always hoped to walk into Hadji's room and find a mess or some other evidence that he was doing something against the rules, but he never did. Homework was always done and Hadji would even tuck himself in. Each night, Race would sit on the edge of Hadji's bed and ask about his day. He would listen intently to every serious word and story. Then he would try to make Hadji laugh with a joke or silly story of his own. Determined to bring out the kid. Half the time it worked. The other half, Race had to explain why it was funny in the first place. Either way, it was always one of the best parts of his day. That night, he regaled Hadji with the story of the first time he had fallen off a horse. The horse was spooked by a snake and threw Race off easily. Hadji got a kick out of that for some reason.
"You think that's funny?" Race teased. Tickling Hadji's side to make him laugh more. A big smile always crossed his face at the sound of Hadji laughing. Because it did not happen every day.
"Yeah," Hadji laughed again. "You shoulda just charmed the snake," he said, grinning like that was an obvious solution.
"Maybe you could teach me sometime?" Race asked. "I don't know where to start."
"You're not scared?" Hadji asked with big eyes.
"Nope," Race shrugged and then whispered conspiratorially. "I have you to protect me." Race ruffled his hair and then stood. "Goodnight, Hadj."
He always went to Jonny's room next. The wildcard. The most unpredictable eight-year-old ever. Race never knew what to expect when he walked in. Homework was generally done. But not because Jonny cared about homework. Because he knew he could not focus on something he really wanted to until it was done. Jonny was always finding new ways to entertain himself and those around him. Often making bedtime a battle. It was one of the best parts of Race's day.
That night, Jonny was hunched over his Playschool desk drawing.
"Crayons down, kiddo. Time for bed."
"Hi Race!" Jonny greeted enthusiastically. "I need to finish this first. It's homework."
"Jonny?" Race warned.
"It is! For art class. I swear. I had to start over."
"Why?" Race asked.
"Because I messed up Bandit's nose in the other one." Jonny pointed to the discarded picture on the floor.
"Okay." Race got down on his haunches and looked over Jonny's shoulder. Interested since Jonny seemed to care about the assignment. It was a long roll of paper. Taking up the entire table with each end held in place by a different box of art supplies. "Tell me about it, kid."
"I'm supposed to draw what I'm gonna be when I'm big," Jonny explained. "All the different things."
Race smiled as he looked over the drawing and remembered that Jessie had the same assignment the year before. He could decipher most of it. Unlike Jessie's drawing, which focused solely on school and being just like Dr. Quest someday, Jonny's vision was all over the place. Apparently, he planned to master many professions. From football player to veterinarian. "What's this one?" he asked, pointing to a figure dressed all in black.
"Ninja!"
"Ah…of course," Race laughed. "And this?" he pointed to a picture of Jonny standing next to what he assumed was Jessie if all the red hair was any indication.
"That's Jessie…when we get married," he exclaimed like it was obvious.
Race cleared his throat. "You're getting married?"
"Only when we're big enough."
"Oh really?" Race looked Jonny in the eyes, who was staring at him as seriously as Hadji ever had. "Do you even know what marriage is?"
"When people get married," Jonny shrugged and then went back to his drawing.
Race laughed. "Do you know why people get married?" he rephrased.
"Yeah," Jonny shrugged again, but did not answer the question. "I asked her already, Race. But I need to become a ninja first," he pointed at the timeline of his picture, which did in fact have ninja first. "Then I can get married and then I go to outer space. See?"
"You already asked her?" Race focused in on that part.
"Course," Jonny told him.
Race huffed. Amused. "And what did she say?"
"She said no," Jonny told him unfazed. "But I won't give up."
"You won't, huh?"
"Nope. I'm not supposed to be a quitter, right?"
"Uhhhh…" Race thought about it for a moment. Slightly conflicted.
"Hadji says I should…"
"Oh let me guess," Race interrupted and laughed to himself. "Charm her?"
Jonny stared at him confused. "What does that mean?"
"Never mind," Race grumbled. "What does Hadji say?"
"Hadji says I should wait until I'm big before asking important questions," Jonny explained.
"You should," Race encouraged. "Very big."
"How old is very big?" Jonny wanted to know.
"Thirty," Race said definitively.
"Thirty! But what if someone else asks her first?" Jonny asked. Actually seeming worried about that possibility.
"Jonny," Race sighed. "That's not something you need to worry about for a very long time, okay?"
"I guess," he paused.
"Jonny?"
"I really don't want to marry Reilly," he said out of nowhere. Race had never heard of a Reilly. "She's annoying and mean to me," Jonny continued. "She keeps saying we have to get married. But I would rather marry Jessie. She's mean to me too, but she's my friend."
Race laughed again. "I promise you don't have to marry Reilly…or anyone else for that matter."
"But don't I HAVE to get married when I'm big?" Jonny asked honestly.
"No," Race promised. "You don't have to. It's your choice. But if you do decide to marry a girl someday, you should talk to her dad first. That's the respectful thing to do. Understand?"
"Oh…," Jonny considered this news for a few seconds. "So can I marry Jessie?" he then asked innocently. "I'll be a good husband. I will."
Race made an annoyed sound as he stood. "Don't ask me that again until you're a ninja, okay?"
"Alright," Jonny responded. As unfazed as ever.
"This light better be out the next time I walk by your door, kiddo. Goodnight."
"Night," Jonny screamed after him.
Race always saved Jessie for last. His little girl. The smartest nine-year-old ever. It wasn't one of the best parts of his day, it was consistently THE best. Like Hadji, he always found her the same way. Homework done and reading a book in her window seat. She would wait and let him tuck her in. Running to the bed and jumping on it as soon as he entered. He would ask her about her day and whatever she was reading. She never ceased to amaze him with how bright she was and how articulately she spoke.
At first, Race thought he was just a proud parent that thought his kid was special. Like every parent. But Dr. Quest had assured him that Jessie's potential was endless. If properly nurtured. He tried his best to do just that and was grateful for everything Benton did to supplement his efforts.
That night, she had been reading To Kill a Mockingbird. She had just started it, so Race made a mental note to refamiliarize himself with the book, so they could discuss it together.
"Best part of your day?" he always asked her.
"I beat Jonny in Questworld," she smiled. "Again."
"You did?" he grinned. "What game?"
"All of them," she giggled. "I always beat him. At everything. He should just quit trying to beat me."
Race sighed. "I don't think he's gonna quit, Ponchita."
"Probably not," she shrugged. "He's SO annoying."
"Hmm," he nodded. "Ya know…Jonny told me that he asked you to marry him," Race teased.
Jessie crossed her arms in front of her chest. "On the school bus," she complained. "In front of everyone."
"And when did this happen?" Race grilled her.
"A few days ago," she admitted. "And now everyone is making fun of me and this girl Reilly is being a big jerk about it."
"So what did you say?" he teased.
"NO," she exclaimed. "He's gross."
"Gross?"
"Gross," she insisted.
"Good."
The smell of mediocre coffee brought Race back to the present. Estella was waving a cup in front of his face.
"Earth to Bannon," she teased. "I thought you were gonna take a walk? Give them some privacy?"
Race took the cup from her hand with a sigh. "I walk fast," he shrugged. Still staring at them through the window of Jessie's room. Trying his best to be understanding and suppress the annoyance he felt. They were in the bed together. All tangled up and kissing. He had to fight the urge to physically remove Jonny from her bed. "Besides," he growled. Jaw clenched. "…they don't seem to be aware of any outside stimuli."
Estella wrapped her hands around his bicep and pulled. "Follow me," she ordered. He planned to resist, but followed reluctantly when he saw the look she gave him.
She settled in the seating area closest to Jessie's room. Cradling her own cup of coffee. Race sat across from her. Clearly annoyed. She could not help her laughter.
"What?" he snapped. Not in the mood to be given a hard time. Especially from the person who had made a career out of giving him one.
"I don't know where to start," she smiled and then sobered. "You need sleep," she pointed out. "Then you'll feel better."
"I don't think sleep will help," he mumbled. "Not with this." He had been proactively ignoring the realities of their relationship for years. And it had worked for him. He could no longer pretend now and it was hitting him all at once.
"Stop sulking," Estella called him out. No sympathy. Wondering if she should tell him how far that their relationship had actually gone. Now that she knew for sure. Was that her place? No…she had promised Jessie.
Race sighed and rolled his eyes.
"That wasn't sexual," she added bluntly. "It was overwhelming relief," she explained clinically. "It was 'thank all things holy that you're alive'…I remember the feeling," she looked away.
Race sat back and stared at her. Wondering if he should tell her how far that their relationship had actually gone. Now that he knew for sure. Was that his place? He was too tired to decide. "Since when are YOU the rational one when it comes to them?" he deflected lightly.
"I MAY be experiencing a change of heart," she shrugged and then smirked. "I haven't fully decided yet. Since when are you irrational when it comes to them?" she challenged. "Weren't you preaching a few days ago that their relationship was part of your normal day-to-day. How does some kissing throw you off kilter?"
"It's….," he paused.
"What?" she pushed.
"First of all…I don't preach," he announced.
"Okay," she rolled her eyes. "Second of all?"
"They don't make a habit of kissing in front of me," Race pointed out. "They're very discreet to be honest. It was mostly out of sight…so I could put it somewhat out of mind," he sighed and was quiet for a while. "Normally…that wouldn't bother me so much. At least I don't think it would."
"Race?" she pushed harder when he stopped talking again.
"It went by so fast," he commented. "I've spent a solid chunk of my life taking care of those kids. And I've spent a solid chunk of my life being the most important…" he trailed off.
"Person in her life?" Estella finished.
"I was gonna say man," he clarified. "But you get the picture. Letting go of that…has been the hardest and slowest process. And after the last few days…I just wanna hold on tighter."
"Making it tougher to watch them together?" she asked. Some sympathy coming through.
"I guess," he looked away. "Can't imagine that'll ever be easy to watch though. Only minimally tolerable."
"Christ," Estella laughed. "How would you react if it wasn't Jonny?"
"Oh…not good," he laughed. "Anyone else wouldn't still be in that fucking bed. That's for sure."
"For what it's worth…you raised him well," Estella offered. "Taught him well. That's clear."
"Yeah…he was very motivated," Race told her. "Always has been."
XXX
Jessie knew he was in a deep sleep when his arm dropped away from her and landed on the bed between them. On the small space she had allowed. She lifted his arm and curled back under it immediately. Eliminating any space. Letting the familiar smell of him and the warmth of his body relax her. She could still not get close enough but settled down once she could hear his heart beating steadily beneath her cheek.
Everything he had done for her…it was not unbelievable exactly. She knew he was willing. She had known for a long time. As assuredly as she knew she would do the same for him. But willing to do something and doing it were more different than she realized. The fact that he actually had…
"I have a confession," she whispered. "Freshman year…a few weeks before you asked me out, I stuffed the ballot box so that Matt Fisher would be the freshman representative on the homecoming court. Instead of you. Because I knew you'd be paired up with Reilly Martin and she's always been all about you…I did something crazy and impulsive because I couldn't stand the thought of someone else touching you…," she trailed off and closed her eyes tight for a moment. Feeling so stupid. "It's not the same thing…obviously," she sighed and stared at his shirt for a few minutes.
"I love you, Jonny." Saying it did not seem like enough any longer. She kissed his chest firmly and held on tighter. "I…"
The fact that he actually had…it felt like a blanket wrapped around her heart. She wanted to grab on to both ends and wrap it tighter.
XXX
"Take deep breaths, Bannon. You can get through this."
Race glared at Estella, but softened when he saw the smile on her face. It had been a long time since she teased him like she had been. He was starting to like it, but then he remembered why she was doing it and got annoyed again.
They walked back into Jessie's room after finishing their coffee. They had not knocked, but it did not matter. Jonny and Jessie were both passed out. Race stared at them. Still conflicted. As hard as he fought the instinct, it still bubbled to the surface. He wanted to drag Jonny out of the bed.
He took a step toward them. Intending to do just that. But Estella's hand gripping his t-shirt made him freeze. It also made him look at his daughter's hand. Fisting Jonny's t-shirt tightly. Even in her sleep. The tension in her hand was not on her face though. Her face looked relaxed.
'Fuck,' Race thought, turning away. He dropped his shoulders and then sighed heavily. Resigned. She had been through enough. He did not want to upset her further.
Estella came up behind him and tentatively pressed her palm into the center of his back.
"It's just a lot," he mumbled. "And all at once." Finding out she planned to move across the country. Knowing it had more to do with Jonny than she would ever admit to him. Seeing them in bed together barely a day after Jonny confirmed they were sleeping together. Almost losing her. Knowing what she went through. Not being the one to pull her out of the fire when the time came.
"Want to talk about it?" she offered hesitantly.
Race looked down at her. He did. He wanted to talk about that and so much more, but he knew doing so with a foggy brain could spell disaster. "I do actually," he smiled at the surprised look that crossed her face. She hid it quickly. "But I need sleep first."
"I think that's for the best," she smiled and used her hand to guide him around the bed and over to one of the couches. The one furthest from the bed. Race sat down on it heavily, arranging the pillows and the blankets that had been sitting on one of the cushions to his satisfaction. Then he settled on his back, staring intermittingly at the kids and the ceiling.
Estella did the same once she was confident that Race planned to stay put. She chose the loveseat next to him. The furniture was set up in the shape of an 'L' against the walls of the room. She laid her head on the end closest to his. "Can I go to sleep or do I need to make sure you don't hogtie Jonny and throw him in a closet somewhere?" she whispered.
That made Race chuckle. "I'll behave," he promised, but then extended his arm toward the kids in a frustrated gesture. Speaking softly. "Does she have to sleep right on top of him though?" he complained.
"She is not," Estella defended. "Stop exaggerating. Or do you actually forget what that looks like?" she challenged.
Race cleared his throat. "No comment." He was not touching that with a ten-foot poll. "So are you still deciding on that change of heart?" he deflected.
"No. How could I fight it after the last few days?" she threw out. "I got to talk with him. Really talk. No bullshit. I know it was an emotionally charged situation, but if he meant even half of what he said…well," she sighed. "And then his actions have been another story."
"Yeah," Race rubbed at his eyes.
"And then I think about everything she has said to me about him over the years. And how she feels about him. All those big conversations," she continued. "That descended into big fights. Because I refused to believe her."
"What did she say?" he asked.
"A whole hell of a lot," Estella laughed. "But mostly that…he makes her happy. You don't talk to her about this?" she wanted to know.
"Of course I do," he offered. "But it's never a big conversation. Just part of a normal one. "How was your day? Fine. How are you and Jonny doing? Good. She's big on the one-word answers."
"I think most teenagers are," Estella told him.
"But she always smiles when she says 'good.' Always. So I leave it alone," Race admitted. "Honestly, I get most of my information from Jonny. He's a talker," Race laughed.
"I guess he'd have to be to spend so much time with you and Jess," she quipped. "Would be pretty quiet otherwise."
"That's fair," Race nodded. "That kid could talk to a brick wall. I swear. He's really good at diffusing and better at putting people at ease. It's a special talent."
"And seems to have charmed our daughter," Estella added. "She's so sure and firm when she talks about him. It was hard to take seriously. I thought she was just being stubborn. Because I was challenging her."
"You're not crazy," Race promised. "I have no doubt stubbornness played a role, but she's smarter than both of us, Stel. She's been smarter than me since she was eight," he laughed. "She's smart enough to decide for herself. Hard as that is to accept sometimes." They were both quiet for a while. Maybe it was the exhaustion, but Race could not stop thinking about kissing her again. "You still awake?" he whispered.
"Yes," she whispered back. "What's up?"
"Nothing," he deflected. "Hey…if you ever wanna have some fun, get Jonny talking on a topic that makes him uncomfortable. He's a nervous talker too. It's hilarious."
"Race," she laughed. "That's just cruel."
"My daughter's boyfriend slept two doors away from her for years," Race defended. "That's cruel…and don't say it's my fault."
"I know it's not," she said softly. "I never thought it was."
"You just said it was?" he prompted.
"As often as I could," she laughed. "I knew it would get under your skin."
"You're too good at that," he complained. "I knew exactly what you were doing and it still got to me anyway."
"It wasn't fair to you," she paused. "I don't have an excuse for getting worked up the way I do, I'm just…"
"I wouldn't want you to change," he interrupted.
"Really?" she questioned skeptically.
"I'm shocked too," he teased. "Maybe I wish you'd point it in the direction of someone else every once in a while, but then again…I think that might make me a little jealous."
"Jealous?"
He thought he heard a smile in her voice and cleared his throat. "I haven't slept in two days, ya know."
She let it go. Deciding that was the smart thing to do. "So how do I get Jonny to nervous talk?" she asked instead.
"Ask him what you want to know about Jess," Race explained with a grin. "He doesn't want to lie to me, but he doesn't want to say something she wouldn't want him to say either."
"Wow," Estella huffed. "How long does it take before he caves."
"He never does," Race smiled. "Not really anyway…but he gives me more than one-word answers and it's incredibly entertaining to witness him work through it on the spot."
"Poor kid," Estella joked. "Having to deal with two Bannons constantly. I'm starting to think he deserves an award."
"Haha."
"In all seriousness," Estella sobered. "He probably talks so much because he's desperate to prove something to you."
Race pursed his lips. "I know," he sighed.
"None of this is your fault," Estella insisted.
Race closed his eyes and tried to believe her.
XXX
The vibrations of his ringing phone woke Race from a deep sleep with a start. He sat up with a grunt and looked around the room. The lights were all off. Estella and the kids were still sound asleep, which made him want to ignore his phone and go back to sleep too. But it was Phil…so he stood and left the room to take it.
"Hey," he greeted, clearing the sleep from his voice.
"Sorry to wake you," Phil apologized.
"Not a problem," Race ran a hand over his face and planted his feet at the window of his daughter's room again.
"How is she?" Phil asked next.
"Good," Race smiled. "Sleeping. I'm looking at her right now. She'll be fine."
"Glad to hear it," Phil said, sounding genuinely relieved.
"Why are you awake?" Race huffed.
"Concussion," Phil told him bluntly.
"Sorry," Race said. "I didn't know. You shouldn't be alone…"
"I'm not," Phil interrupted. Race thought he heard a smile in his friend's voice. "Besides, I just got off the phone with YOUR goddaughter. She was telling me about all her presents. She loved yours by the way. Thank you."
"Of course. Such a fun age," Race mused. "I'm really sorry this pulled you away from her."
"I would've come either way, but I was never spending Christmas with her if it makes you feel better," Phil explained. "We have big plans for New Years though. Sesame Place."
"Please send me pictures," Race laughed and then sighed, knowing Phil was calling for a reason. "What's up?"
"Bartlett just bought a train ticket to Baltimore," Phil informed. "Doesn't mean anything on its face, but thought you'd want to know."
"Thanks," Race looked at Jonny and shook his head. "Remember that bar in Dubai?" Race asked. "When you had to help me out because I was too drunk to do it myself?"
"I do," Phil said. "Good times."
"We should do that again."
"Sounds like a plan, old friend."
Race closed his eyes. "Thank you. For everything."
"You'd do the same for me," Phil said casually. Like it was no big deal.
"I pray I never have to," Race whispered.
"Me too," Phil huffed. "Take care of those kids."
"Stay safe," Race hung up and then walked back in the room. He laid down on the couch again. Hoping that would be enough to make him drift off. But his brain was going a mile a minute. Imagining what kind a trouble Bartlett could cause if he truly wanted to. Race was not worried about stopping him, but he was worried about collateral damage. He wanted this to be over.
With sleep not finding him, he turned his head and stared at them again. Jessie had shifted onto her back in her sleep, but her face was still relaxed. Race could see that clearly and it made him feel a little better.
He closed his eyes and started to strategize. Hoping he could deal with Bartlett without Jonny ever knowing it was an issue.
About twenty minutes later, Race was distracted by the rustle of blankets and Jonny making a distressed sound. By the time he sat up and stood, Jessie was already sitting up in bed and trying to shake Jonny awake.
"Jonny," she whispered fiercely. "Wake up. Wake up."
He did wake up. In an erratic fashion. The arm closest to Jessie shooting out and hitting the side of her face unintentionally. Then he rolled out of the bed and hit the floor hard. That woke Estella up too.
"Fuck," Jonny grunted miserably, pressing his face into the coolness of the floor briefly and then pushing up on both arms until he was back upright. His worried eyes met Jessie's worried eyes. Registering what had happened. He gripped her shoulders and then wrapped his hands around her face. "Shit. Did I hurt you?"
"No," she promised. "I'm fine."
He started running his hands over her nervously. "I'm sorry."
"Jonny. I'm okay," she pushed his hands away to prove her point.
Jonny pressed his fists into her bed and dropped his head between his shoulders. Breathing heavily. Jessie looked at her father. She looked at a loss, but only for a moment. Then she took a deep breath and scooted closer to Jonny. She put her hands over his clenched fists.
"Hey," she said softly. "Look at me."
He did and then forced an unconvincing smile. The haunted look in his eyes floored her. He freed one of his hands from hers and pressed his thumb between her furrowed brow to smooth it. Then he kissed her forehead. "You worry too much, beautiful." She shook her head and stared at him. "Just a stupid dream," he shrugged when she did not say anything. "I don't even remember it."
She knew that was a lie, but did not call him out in front of her parents. She wanted him to tell her, but did not expect him to do it with an audience.
He pushed away from the bed when she stayed quiet. Uncomfortable under the weight of every set of Bannon and former Bannon eyes on him.
He closed his eyes to catch his bearings and then met hers steadily. "I'm fine, but I need some air. I'll be back in a few minutes."
She opened her mouth to say something, but he had already turned and walked away.
"No," Race put a hand up to stop Jessie when she made a move to go after him.
Jessie made a dismissive sound and tossed her blanket aside.
"No," Race said more firmly. That caused her to freeze and give him an angry look.
"Dad…"
"Stop," he interrupted. "You're in the hospital for a reason. You're not leaving this room, Jess."
"But…"
"Give him a minute to recalibrate, sweetheart. He's fine."
"If he was FINE, I wouldn't be worried. I KNOW when he's fine. And when he's not. Are you kidding me?"
Race sat on the edge of her bed and boxed her in effectively.
"Dad…" she growled. "Just let me go."
"He's not fine," Race admitted. "You're right. But you chasing after him won't help. The best way you can help him is to get better. I'm right about that."
"I'm unconvinced," she challenged. "That sounds like the best thing for you maybe. Not him."
"Jess," he huffed. "Come on. Do you honestly think he'd disagree with me?"
"He…," she deflated. "You're right," she grumbled. "He wouldn't talk to me. He'd just focus on the fact that I'm not in bed. Use it as an excuse." Her eyes brimmed with frustrated tears. "Dad?" she asked.
"I'll go find him," he told her. Standing. "Maybe he'll talk to me."
"Maybe," she wiped at her eyes. "Okay. Thanks."
"I'm only leaving if you promise to stay put," he announced. "A real promise, Jess. Don't just say what I want to hear."
"That's blackmail," she laughed.
"In our current situation, I'm fully aware that's the only way to get what I want," he shot back.
"I promise," she told him. Miserable.
When her father left, she looked at her mother. Who looked as helpless as she felt.
"What can I do?" Estella asked.
"How…I don't want him to shut down on me," Jessie said and then looked away. "I don't want him…," she stopped and looked at the door to make sure her father was gone. "…to be like dad," she finished. "He wants that. Or…he thinks he has to be for some reason. I'm not sure. He told me he doesn't want that…but then he acts just like him sometimes and…I love dad so much…but I don't want that," she finished out of breath and then immediately regretted it. "Please don't use that against me…or him. He's doing his best. If anything, he tries too hard. He's just trying to take care of me, mom."
"I know," Estella sympathized. "And struggles to get it through his thick skull that you need to take care of him just as much?"
"Not always," Jessie calmed herself. "Most of the time, he lets me. I mean...," she smiled. "It's a battle and he's a giant pain in the ass about it, but he does. So when he doesn't…"
"It hurts," Estella finished.
"Yeah," Jessie sighed. Exhausted. "He has no problem telling me how he feels about me, but everything else seems harder for some reason. And I guess that doesn't get any easier?" Jessie asked sarcastically.
"Probably not," Estella offered.
Jessie closed her eyes and took three deep breaths before opening them. "He's worth it," she said firmly.
"Then be patient," Estella instructed. "Don't give up on him."
Jessie recognized regret on her mother's face. She promised herself she would never forget that look.
XXX
Race found him in the men's room down the hall. Hands braced on the sink and his forehead against the mirror. The water he had splashed on his face was still dripping off his chin.
"Kid?"
Jonny's face scrunched up at the interruption and he gripped the sink harder. "I wanna be alone," he mumbled. "For a bit."
"No," Race responded simply.
Jonny pushed off the sink and wiped at his face. He squared to face Race and clenched his fists. "Just…"
"No," Race interrupted. "You get me or you get Jess army crawling her way down here. Which do you prefer?"
Jonny ran a hand over his face and laughed at the visual. "Can I choose none of the above?"
"No," Race crossed his arms. "I had to blackmail her to stay in bed."
"What?" Jonny's eyes widened in surprise.
"Incredibly stubborn," Race shot back. "Remember?"
"Right…I'm not all there yet," Jonny deflated and looked at his feet.
Race waited. Knowing that the silence would eventually be too loud for Jonny to bear.
"Sorry about falling asleep like that…I was talking to her. I was exhausted. I didn't mean to," he rambled uncomfortably.
"It's fine," Race shrugged it off and kept waiting. Leaning against the wall and watching Jonny closely. It was clear that his mind was racing.
"And I'm aware that I'm doing exactly what you told me not to," Jonny growled. "It's not as easy as…just doing it. I don't need a lecture."
"Wasn't planning a lecture," Race told him. "So far…you ARE doing what I said, kid. I told you to walk away if you needed a break."
"Then why did you follow me?" Jonny challenged.
"To keep her in bed," Race huffed.
"You couldn't have taken a walk around the block?" Jonny complained.
"No," Race shot back. A little heated. "I'm not gonna lie to her. Don't ask me to."
Jonny deflated again. Sitting down against the nearest wall and pressing his head back. "I didn't…I'm sorry," he apologized again.
Race waited a beat before talking. "I do think you should talk to her about it…when you're ready."
Jonny exhaled loudly. "It was just a dream."
"A dream that seems to have rattled you," Race pointed out. "So talk about it."
Jonny shook his head no. "I'll talk to her about real things, which are bad enough right now. I'm not gonna talk about fucked up dreams too. That won't make me feel better and it certainly won't make her feel better. Trust me."
"Not to sound cliché, but how will you know until you try?" Race asked.
"That's incredibly cliché," Jonny laughed and then looked at Race sadly.
"I can't make you do something you don't want to do," Race shrugged. "Like I said…I just don't wanna see you make the same mistakes I did."
"I dreamed that…" he trailed off.
"You don't have to tell me, kid. But tell her…at least tell someone if it continues," Race advised.
"I dreamed that Jess was the one being raped when I got there," Jonny responded quietly, but would not look at Race. "It felt so real. I could feel the cold that I felt when I was down there and smell the water. And see her face struggling not to cry. Because he was pressing a knife into her throat while he…so she couldn't even cry."
Jonny closed his eyes and his chest heaved. Race knew what he was describing was more than just a dream.
"But this time…," Jonny lifted a hand and pointed his finger. "I didn't wait for Clay to finish…I couldn't. Because he was fucking my girl with a knife to her throat. And she couldn't fight back. She was helpless, which she ISN'T. But he made her feel that way."
"Jonny…" Race had heard enough.
"He slit her throat right in front of me," Jonny finished and then opened his eyes and shrugged. "If you can explain to me how talking to her about that is a good thing, maybe I'll consider it."
"I wouldn't recommend the details," Race offered. "But I think a version of that could be shared."
Jonny stared at him confused and then swallowed back his anxiety. Race talked about it simply and that made it seem simpler. But Jonny still had serious doubts. "It won't help her."
"It'll help you," Race responded. "Which will help her. Trust me."
Jonny went quiet.
"Do you remember the nightmares you had when I was first assigned to protect you?" Race asked.
"No," Jonny stood and stretched.
"You rarely slept through the night," Race commented. "You'd wake up screaming. Scared the shit out of me the first few times. I thought someone got into the house. It'd take me over an hour to get you back down."
"I don't remember," Jonny said again.
"That's probably a good thing," Race sighed.
"My mom?"
"Yes," Race nodded. "I suspected that from go, but it took months to get you to talk about it. They stopped after you talked about it."
"Are you making that up?" Jonny eyed him suspiciously. It was very convenient.
"No," Race said seriously. "I wouldn't lie to you about that."
Jonny swallowed and then nodded. "I'll try," he promised.
"Good," Race smiled. "Ready to head back?"
"Yes," Jonny walked by Race and out the door. As he walked down the hallway, he noticed everything that he had not noticed before. Mostly, nurses speed walking across the floor and the melody of all the beeping machines in the background.
Jonny froze when he saw red hair out of the corner of his eye. His brain knowing that her room was still a few doors away, but his feet did not get the message. He turned and his eyes locked with Brenda's through the window to her room. His breath hitched. Not ready or expecting to see her. She blinked a few times and then smiled slightly. He did the same. He was rooted to the spot. Even when Race gripped his shoulder.
Brenda waved for him to come in.
Jonny looked at Race. "Can you…tell her I'll be there in a few minutes? That I promise?"
"Sure."
Jonny stood there staring at Brenda for another moment before taking a step forward. He entered the room quietly. Like Jess, she was not alone. Jonny looked around the room at her sleeping family members and then at Brenda again with hesitation. He grinned and stopped stalling when she rolled her eyes and waved him forward.
Jonny came closer and sat on the side of her bad. "Is this okay?" he whispered.
She grabbed his hand and smiled. Then she looked around the room like he had when he first came in. "Parents," she nodded to the far corner of the room. "Fiancée," she smiled at the man asleep in the chair by her bed. He did not look comfortable. Her eyes lingered on him before looking back at Jonny. "Jessie?" she asked.
It was Jonny's turn to smile. "She's okay. Impatient to go home."
"Glad to hear it."
"How are you?" he squeezed her hand.
"Hanging in there," she swallowed. "Trying to remember that it could've been so much worse."
"The baby?"
"He's good," her face lit up.
"He?" Jonny asked.
"Well…just a hunch after watching the ultrasound today. It's too early to actually tell. Strong heartbeat though."
Jonny closed his eyes for just a moment. "That makes me really happy to hear."
She placed her free hand across her stomach. "If this is a boy, I'm gonna have to name him after you," she threatened.
"Oh…please don't," he laughed.
"I'm serious," she squeezed his hand.
"I'm serious too," he told her.
"Why?" she asked. "I would've never even heard the heartbeat if…" she trailed off.
"I mean…I'm not gonna tell you what to do," he shrugged. "But thought maybe a constant reminder would be hard," he offered.
"Or make me appreciate every moment more," she added with tears in her eyes.
XXX
Jessie's eyes jumped to his as soon as he entered the room. He smiled and it was not forced this time. He saw some of the worry fade from her face as he got closer. He sat on the bed and then pulled her into a tight hug, which she returned in full force.
She pulled back when the embrace should have come to its natural end, but he held on tighter.
"Babe?" she rubbed the back of his head. "What's wrong?"
"Just appreciating every moment more," he told her. Then he sat back and ran his knuckles gently down the side of her face. "You sure I didn't hurt you?"
"Positive," she rolled her eyes. "Are you okay?"
"Yes," he said firmly.
She sighed.
He leaned his forehead against hers and grabbed both her hands. "I'm…as okay as I can be," he revised. "I dreamed…that I didn't get there in time," he edited.
"Thank you for telling me," she whispered and squeezed his hands. "But you obviously did or I wouldn't be breaking your balls, right now."
"I love you," he laughed.
"You're tired," she tugged on his arm. Trying to get him to go back to sleep with her.
Jonny hesitated, but Race was the one to speak up. "No…these beds are made for one person. The nurses weren't happy about it the first time."
Jessie turned to her father. "The nurses?" she asked sarcastically.
"Jess," Jonny turned her face until she was focused back on him. He smiled and winked. Then he kissed her forehead and pushed her back until she was lying down. He pulled the covers around her and slipped his hand into hers. "I'll stay with you til you fall asleep."
She stared up at him defiantly for a moment and then closed her eyes.
XXX
She opened her eyes and sat up in bed slowly once she estimated a full fifteen minutes had passed where the room was in total silence. She looked around and sure enough her parents and Jonny both seemed to be fast asleep. Her parents on the couches to her left and Jonny on the right.
She slipped out of the bed as quietly as possible. Immediately and acutely aware of the fact that she was not at full strength. She let out a small breath of relief when her father looked undisturbed and there were no nurses within view of her room. She did not want to test her luck. She padded quickly across the fifteen feet that stood between her and what she wanted.
She lifted his blanket and then eased herself under it as best she could, lying practically on top of him. He woke up halfway through and wrapped an arm around her waist to brace her to him.
"Jess," he scolded, but it was not that convincing. Since he shifted onto his side to give her more room as he said it. And then pulled her tight against his chest once she settled. "So stubborn," he mumbled into her hair.
"Hmm," she acknowledged. "Do you remember the last time I had to stay in the hospital over night?" she asked.
"Of course," he tilted her face up and kissed her forehead. "Your appendix. That was a crazy few days."
"Only because you tried to break me out of the hospital," she teased.
"You did ask me to," he shot back. Sounding more awake. "Race was so mad."
"You shouldn't have listened to me," she laughed softly. "That makeshift fort you built in the supply closet was impressive though."
"Girl…I was so in to you back then and the idea of us. I think I would've cut my ear off if you asked," he grinned.
"So in to me back then?" she raised an eyebrow. "And what are you now?"
"Obsessed with the reality of us," he kissed her and pulled back slow. "I made a fool of myself so many times back then though. Trying to impress you."
She laughed. "For a while, I thought it was just a new personality development."
"Shut up," he kissed her again, but stopped when he felt her breath hitch. "Babe?" She had tears in her eyes. "What's wrong?"
"I wish we were alone," she mumbled.
He pulled the covers up over their heads and then wrapped a hand around her face. She closed her eyes and smiled despite the tears that fell. "Don't cry," he whispered. "I'll build you a better fort tomorrow."
"I love you so much," she whispered fiercely and then looked at him seriously. "I'm so in love with you."
"I'm so in love with you too."
"You are…kind and brave and patient," she praised. "…and deeply silly," she sniffed. "I really love that."
"Baby…" he tried to interrupt. He did not follow the thread of her mood shift.
"I spent so many nights in my dorm room wondering if you knew," she swallowed. "Really knew."
"Knew what?" he pushed. He did know, but wanted to hear her say it.
"How much I love you," she whispered. "And want you and need you. I almost came home like three times to tell you in person," she admitted. "Got myself all worked up about it."
"You always seemed…completely fine on the phone. Almost annoyingly fine at times," he huffed.
"I was faking, idiot."
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.
"Pride cometh," she mumbled. "And I needed to prove to myself that I could do it. Just in case."
His heart dropped. "In case of what?" He wanted to make her say that too. So he could stop wondering why she had made that decision.
"You have the upper hand, okay?" She said it like they were competing and she had lost.
"I need more information," he told her.
"In our relationship," she added. "You have the power to crush me. You have for a long time. I didn't want to admit it…so I pretended you didn't. But I realized the closer I got to leaving that I needed to make sure I could handle it if you decided to walk away. I tried to tell you the other day…after that fight. It didn't come out right."
Jonny sighed. "I bit your head off unfairly when you tried to tell me," he admitted. "But what the hell gave you the impression that…why did you even think it, Jess?"
"It was nothing you did or didn't do," she shrugged. "If anything, it was the opposite. You're so good to me. What if I lost that? I'm a planner. You know this about me. I don't just react to what I know. I react to what could be and…"
Jonny took a deep breath. He had suspected that was her reasoning and was glad to have it confirmed. "And now you're prepared for that improbability," he kissed her forehead. "Meaning that we never have to do it again, right?"
"You're my partner. You have been since day one," she told him. "I want…everything with you. Even the bad things because I know we can handle them together and I know we can be that couple that ends up stronger because of the bad things. So no…okay? I'm not prepared for the improbability of losing you. I'm moving to California to be with you. I don't want to be away from you," she finished and then flicked her eyes down like she was embarrassed to have admitted all that.
"The big professions are scary," he sympathized. "Don't worry…it gets easier."
She looked at his mouth and he was smiling at her. "You're the best at them," she cleared her throat.
"I actually promised you while you were unconscious that I'd stop if you woke up," he laughed.
"I don't want you to stop," she clarified.
"I think I had my fingers crossed when I said it," he kissed the tip of her nose.
She stared at him amazed. She had felt embarrassed saying all that, but his reaction made that fade quickly. She kissed him. "You're my safe place," she said with wonder.
"Mission accomplished," he grinned. "Next up…get her to marry you one day," he spoke to himself.
She giggled. "It's not gonna be a hard sell, baby."
"I can't take that chance," he told her seriously and then leaned over to whisper in her ear. "It's cute that you think I have the upper hand. But I'd fucking fall apart without you, Bannon."