AN: Last chapter before the epilogue (which I finally have outlined in my head. Only took well…years). I have no excuse for the delay except that I just had to wait for inspiration to write. I didn't proof read. Decided to just go for it or it could be months before I have time again - but I'll fix any errors here and there. Def sad it's almost over. This has been fun!
"Quest," she warned. "…you can't make me forget my questions with sex." She was out of breath and unconsciously tilting her head to give him more access to her skin. She knew exactly what he was doing and did not care. She wanted to be seduced. She wanted to forget that conversation. She wanted to forget everything but him.
His hands were wrapped firmly around her waist. It made her feel small in his arms. He pressed her against the wall and continued to smother the column of her neck with his lips. He did not speak until he had covered every inch twice. And when he whispered in her ear, it made her shiver.
"Can I try to make you forget?" He moved fast and kissed her before she could answer. Pushing his tongue against hers gently. Ghosting his fingertips from her waist up the back of her shirt slowly. She had to turn her head away to take a breath.
"Yes," she smiled and relaxed completely. Her hand moved to his zipper as his lips chased hers again. "How do you want me?" she asked right before he kissed her. A kiss that turned more passionate when her hand slipped into his boxers and she asked a second time. "Babe?"
He pulled back reluctantly and swallowed hard before grinning and glancing at the couch behind him. "Remember what you did when I won strip studying last year?"
She was distracted by his husky tone, but could not resist giving him a hard time. "I won that game," she corrected.
He huffed. "You rewarded me pretty enthusiastically for losing," he teased.
"No," she challenged. Stroking him as she lifted onto her toes to be eye level with him. "Your dick was MY prize, dummy. And you didn't let me finish before taking over if I recall."
Jonny stroked her cheek as his grin grew wider. Then he closed his eyes and focused on his dick getting harder before clearing his throat. "I won't take over this time," he promised.
XXX
"I'll fall asleep if you keep that up," Jessie mumbled. Her eyes and her body felt heavy. Jonny was lying prone on the old couch and she was draped over him. He was massaging her lower back and the palm of her hand with his thumbs. "That feels…really good," she continued. "I love your hands. The rest of you too," she added as an afterthought. She felt him laugh more than she heard it. "I love you," she repeated softly. "I do. So much."
Jonny dropped her hand and guided her lips to his for a long deep kiss. Their difficult conversation was still rattling through his brain. Making him feel angry and protective and sad and fucked up all at once. He wanted to quiet those thoughts. The details he had shared with her in the name of honesty were things he never wanted to say out loud. Now she had to worry about them too. His heart began to race with doubt and regret. Maybe Race was right about not telling her everything. His need to make her feel happy inside their bubble was overwhelming. He ended the kiss slowly. Afraid that anxiety and indecision was written all over his face.
"Wow," she grinned. Seemingly unaware. "What was that for?" She gave him a quick peck and then settled back into her previous position. "Your heart's going crazy, love."
"I missed your face," he told her simply. Picking her hand up to resume the massage. "I think I'm addicted to you," he flirted.
"Mmm," she tried to cuddle closer. "I think I know the feeling."
"We should get dressed though. I didn't lock the door," he announced sadly.
"Probably," she agreed. But neither of them shifted a muscle. "You're not moving," she noted.
He chuckled. "My naked ass isn't facing the door." She laughed and pinched him playfully. Jonny closed his eyes and focused on every inch of her skin touching his. Running his hands over smooth skin and injured skin without discrimination. She was not wearing her bandages and did not get tense when he touched her cuts. He thought most would heal pretty clean and that made him breathe easier.
"We should probably stop having sex in random places too," she posed. Pulling him away from the serious thought.
"I vote for the opposite," he countered. "There are fifty-two rooms in this house if you include all the bathrooms. We've only done it in like ten. Twelve if you count the lighthouse and the pool," he laughed. "Thirteen if you count the beach," he added. "We still have a lot of ground to cover."
"Like a sex checklist?" she asked.
"Yes!" he played along. "Can you get me that for my birthday?" he teased.
Jessie leaned up to whisper in his ear. "This year…you literally get whatever you want," she promised.
Jonny held her tight. "It's gonna be a GOOD year."
"Yes," she agreed. "The new year can't come soon enough. I'm so ready for a fresh start. Any thoughts on what you wanna do for New Years?"
"This," he whispered. "Run away with you somewhere and get naked."
"Perfect," she sighed happily. "Where are we by the way? You attacked me before I registered." She lifted her head as if to solve her own question but gave up immediately and just waited for him to answer.
Jonny shrugged. "The room where my father keeps all of his old crap. Not sure how else to describe it."
"I can't ever remember being in here," she offered.
"I'm sure you were back when we spent our days running around this place. That feels like a lifetime ago, huh? Now I only come here when I wanna be alone." He kissed the top of her head and then asked. "Where's your secret spot? We all have one."
She smiled against his skin. "Nope. A girl's gotta have her secrets."
"Come on," he took a deep breath and tried to coax her by adding more pressure to the massage. "I told you mine, beautiful."
"Fine. Library," she gave in. "NONE of you go in there," she laughed.
"That's a good one," he nodded.
"How often do you come up here?" she wanted to know.
"Not a lot. But I was up here this morning and your mom popped in on me," he admitted. Patting her butt and starting to sit up. "So, we should really…"
She pushed him back down. "Stop. I'm comfortable, baby."
"Fine," he relented, but grabbed a pillow to cover her.
"Seriously," she laughed.
"Ah yeah," he huffed. "I don't need my brother walking in and seeing you naked."
He felt her stiffen and then sit up quickly at the suggestion. But instead of rushing around the room to grab her clothes she pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs at the other end of the couch. Jonny's heart jumped into his throat and he froze for a moment watching her. His mind flashed to Brenda doing the same thing after he cut her free. His inaction did not last long. Sitting up and nervously resting one hand behind her neck and the other on her knee. "Shit. I'm sorry," he apologized. "I'm sorry, Jess." He was not sure where her head went or what exactly he said wrong, but he was sorry. He took a relieved breath when she leaned into his touch.
Jessie shook her head. "Don't apologize for saying what's on your mind. I hate it more when you keep things from me," she insisted. "And you certainly don't need to apologize for not wanting another man to see me naked."
"Fuck," he squeezed his eyes shut.
"I understand," she interrupted. "I feel the same way. It…" she trailed off and he opened his eyes to watch her. "It…should've been just yours. I'm angry too," she finished and then looked away.
"Still is just mine," he answered softly and stared at her profile until she looked at him with wide and waiting eyes. He continued carefully without breaking eye contact. "It's only mine because you choose me," he emphasized. "That's why this is the most special thing in my life. Because you chose me outta everyone."
"You mean that?" she whispered.
"You tell me," he smiled.
Jessie looked into his eyes for a moment longer and then leaned over to press her forehead against his. "Sorry for getting weird."
"Get weird whenever you want," he assured. "No judgements, beautiful."
"Shut up," she laughed. "But thank you. I like being yours," she added sweetly before standing to gather clothes and redress. He watched her with a smile on his face before doing the same. Then they both sat down again with a sigh.
XXX
Estella fumbled with the phone before answering. "Roger?"
"Hey Stel…did you speak with Benton?" He called her as soon as he got settled in the rental.
Estella felt the color rush from her face. Afraid she was about to hear bad news. "No. What's wrong?"
"Nothing," he told her quickly. Wanting to erase the worry from her voice. "Promise. Sorry to scare you. I'm just in town. You were taking a walk when I left."
"Oh," she let out a long breath. "It might take me a minute not to panic when you call…"
"Understandable," he acknowledged softly. Calls to her had been rare over the years and never brought good news. "Everything is fine, but I'll be away for a few days."
"You left?" she asked. Her voice shifting from relief to confusion. "Are you with Phil?" she pushed before he could answer.
"No. It's nothing like that," he assured. "Just needed some time. You can come join me if you'd like. A few days alone may be what we need."
"Where are you?" She still sounded unsure.
"A small rental by the beach."
"You live right on the beach," she laughed. "In a mansion..."
"Was feeling a bit crowded there," he grumbled. "I'm only twenty minutes away if someone needs me."
"Why?" she asked. "What happened?"
"I need a break," he admitted after a long pause. "I'm frustrated…to say the least. The kids are frustrated too. Everyone is emotional and impatient. Jess yelled at me twice before lunch…" he trailed off. "She said a few things I wanna think about. A little space is for the best."
Estella took a moment to digest. It was a lot, but she found herself mostly grateful that he was being open. "I wish you would've talked to me before leaving," she told him softly.
Race smiled. Hearing no accusation or anger in her voice. It put him at ease. "I knew you'd talk me out of it," he chuckled. "Or I'd just convince you to join me. And as much as that invitation stands…I do feel better knowing you're there if she needs you."
Estella was quiet on the other end of the line. "Phil called you this morning," she then observed. "You left the room when he called. Felt…familiar."
"Habit," Race shot back. Closing his eyes and wanting to shut down that line of thinking down immediately. "There's no subterfuge, Stel. He's helping me track down some information. That's all. He does this for me at least three times a month as I vet Benton's schedule."
"Okay," she let out another long breath. "I'm sorry for interrogating you."
"Don't apologize," he said softly. "I'd much rather talk it out when you have concerns. I don't wanna make the same mistakes twice. And to be very clear…me leaving today has zero to do with you or us. Because I want this to work…more than you know."
"You have me smiling like an idiot over here," she confessed.
"Good," he laughed. "I remember that smile well. It's beautiful."
"So, you want me to come over?" she asked lightly.
"Yes."
"But you also want me to stay?"
"Yeah," he sighed. "Jonny probably has it covered, but like I said…they're emotional. They got into a screaming match two days ago. Tagging him out for a few hours would be a good idea if they let you."
"Okay," she agreed. "What did Jess say that prompted all this?" she then asked curiously.
"Just…some things that were hard to hear," he cleared his throat.
"She didn't mean it," Estella said on reflex.
"She did actually," Race sighed.
"Are you alright?" she asked instead of pressing for more information.
"I'll live," he told her firmly.
XXX
Jonny rubbed Jessie's arm and kissed her temple. They had been relaxing in a comfortable silence for a while. "What're you thinking?" he finally asked.
"That this couch is more interesting when were naked," she quipped.
"Ouch," he grinned. "Are you saying I need to intellectually stimulate you better?"
"No…you keep me on my toes, baby. I'm criticizing the room only. Why is this your spot?" she wanted to know.
Jonny grabbed her hand and pulled her over to the window. He wrapped his arms around her and pointed. "I'm sure the view is just as good from other spots, but this is where I come to enjoy it." You could see most of the grounds and all the way out to the ocean. Jessie focused on the crashing waves in the distance as he spoke. "So…"
"So?"
"Are we staying or going, babe? I really don't wanna pressure you, but we'll need the next few weeks to plan if we're going," he finished practically. Rubbing her arms.
Jessie took a deep breath and continued focusing on the view. Neither felt like an ideal option. "I love you."
He chuckled and then leaned down to kiss her neck. "I love you too, but that's not an answer."
"We're staying," she said confidently.
He kissed her again and then responded easily. "Sounds like a good plan, beautiful."
"It's perfect," she agreed. Trying to convince herself. "And so is this view…I may steal your spot."
"We can share," he offered.
"True," she nodded. "We should share everything with each other, right?"
"Yes," he hedged. "But I know when I'm walking into a trap…"
"What else do you know, Quest?"
"I think we just established that I keep you intellectually stimulated," he started. "…so, it stands to reason that I know a lot of things…"
"Hey smart ass," she cut him off. Turning in his arms and staring him down. "Great sex only bought you a few hours and it won't work a second time. What do you know about my parents…specifically? What's going on with them?" she added quickly. Hoping to bypass another clever deflection. She watched as his demeanor changed. "I want the truth. Stop protecting me, babe."
Jonny raised an eyebrow. "You know that's like asking me not to breathe, right?"
Her eyes softened, but she still stared him down. "Be honest."
Jonny shrugged. "Ask your dad."
Her eyes narrowed. "Why? Suggestion or did he tell you to say that?"
"He did ask me nicely to direct you his way if you brought it up."
"Okay," she absorbed that. "I will…but give me a heads up? What am I walking into?"
"I don't know," he shot back.
"Jonny," she sounded exasperated. "I need you to be honest!"
He could not ignore that. "I saw them kissing, but I don't know what that means. I'd tell you if I did, Ace"
"You think they might…"
"I don't know," Jonny interrupted. He did not want her getting her hopes up. "I know they both love you more than they love anyone else and I know we all almost lost you. It could be just that, babe. A reaction."
"Maybe," she hugged him. Pressing an ear to his heart and gripping the back of his shirt. "But my mom still loves him so he should really do his…reacting…elsewhere," she growled.
"Jess…come on. Even if that's true…how would he know? That's not fair."
"Why do you always defend him?" she asked. He could hear the annoyance in her voice, but she remained glued to him.
"I just think you should talk to him before getting angry in advance. He obviously has something to say about it. Or talk to your mom?"
"I don't need to talk to her," Jessie told him. "I know how she feels. I need to talk to him. I'm not gonna let him use her."
"Jess…listen to what you just said?" he implored. "They're adults first of all. Fully capable of using each other if they want to."
She stepped back and crossed her arms. "And second of all?"
"No," he shook his head and opened his arms wide. "Now I have another 'first of all.' Get back here. We're NOT gonna battle each other on this."
She obliged and they were quiet in the embrace for a minute. "Second of all?" she mumbled
"I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too. Now what was your first second of all?"
"Huh?"
"Jonny…"
"Your dad wouldn't use her," he stated firmly.
Jessie scoffed. "He's the best father. But I see how he treats women. He's not disrespectful, but he does act like their interchangeable. I accepted that a long time ago. I'm NOT okay with him throwing my mother into the mix though. Because she can't move on to the next like him."
"Jess…"
"Stop defending him," she interrupted. "It's so frustrating! Why can't you just be on my side?"
"Because you're dead wrong," Jonny yelled. Taking a deep breath to avoid getting angry and increasing his hold to keep her close. He only yelled to get her attention and it worked. "Baby," he started again with a softer tone. "Have you ever considered WHY all those women are interchangeable? Because I can certainly understand it."
"What?"
Jonny laughed and then sobered. "If I lost you…the one who means everything. It's not hard to imagine something shutting off. I thought I've made that clear."
Jessie stared at her feet. "I told you…I wouldn't want that. I thought I've made THAT clear."
"You don't get a say," he sighed. "It's how I feel."
"You're projecting," she tried to change the subject.
"Your dad carries his wedding ring around in his pocket, Jess. He obviously still loves her," he finally admitted.
Jessie stepped out of his arms again. But this time in surprise. "What? How do you know that?"
"Because he showed it to me."
She opened her mouth, but no barrage of questions came. Jonny put both hands up as if that gesture might temper her expectations. "Look…that doesn't mean they'll work their shit out. But I do know that SHE is not interchangeable to him. Love isn't their problem. I doubt it ever was. So maybe you should hear him out before saying something you can't take back?"
"Okay," she nodded. Still shocked by his words. "Are you sure?"
Jonny nodded. "Positive. I wore his ring to convince the nurses we were married when I took you to the hospital. I was afraid they'd force me to leave your room if I didn't convince them. Worked for a few hours," he shrugged. "And your dad…," he trailed off.
"Tell me," she pushed.
"He told me where he went wrong with your mom," Jonny whispered. "To save me from fucking things up the same way he did. His words not mine. He regrets it."
Jessie walked back to the couch and sat down with a thud. "You said that to me in the hospital," she recalled. "I thought you were assuming."
"No. He flat out told me he regrets it, babe."
She stared forward for a minute. "I don't know what to say."
"So just listen to him," Jonny suggested.
XXX
Race finished half a beer before making his next call. Hoping for an update that would improve his mood.
"Didn't anyone ever teach you that a watched pot doesn't boil?" Phil answered.
Race chuckled. "Well that's just not true. Any update?"
Phil sighed. "You know I would've called you if there was. At present, Bartlett seems determined to drink himself into an early grave. Doesn't appear to be an act, but my guys will keep watch. Don't worry so much."
"Yeah…alright."
"Call me if there's anything I can actually do to help," Phil insisted.
"I appreciate it, brother."
The next call came to him and was a surprise to say the least. He did not know if he should smile or brace himself for battle.
XXX
Jessie took a deep breath as Jonny turned off the ignition. "I miss you already," she admitted. Feeling a little pathetic.
"Same." Jonny grabbed her hand and laced their fingers. He could read her face like a book. "You're nervous. Don't be."
"Maybe I should've called before showing up?" she asked.
"He knows we're here," Jonny promised. Pointing over his left shoulder. "Our shadows over there most definitely told him."
Jessie looked out the window to see a car parked across the street with two agents, then to the house where her father's shadow was waiting at the front door and finally back at Jonny who was watching her closely. "You're good at this," she offered a little sadly.
"Boyfriend first," he smiled.
She pulled him close for a proper goodbye kiss before sitting back with a look he could not place. "Will you pick me up early?"
"Early," he nodded. "I can take you to breakfast. But call if you wanna come home sooner, okay?"
"I may do that," she whispered. "Not sure how well I'll sleep alone."
"I may wait up just in case," he promised. She continued to hesitate. "Wanna make a run for it, baby? I got my foot on the gas," he teased.
"No," she smiled and looked away almost shyly. "I know I've already said it and I know you'll tell me I don't need to, but thank you for taking such good care of me. Even when I'm pissing you off," she laughed. "It doesn't go unnoticed…even when I'm pissed off…I don't take you for granted, okay?"
"I love you."
"I love you too, Quest. So much."
XXX
Race held a half smile as she climbed the stairs of his rental. From the look on her face, he could not tell if she planned to apologize or yell. But he was hoping she would not seek out a fight. "Hi sweetheart."
"Hi Dad," she sounded contrite. "Can I stay with you tonight?"
Race covered his surprise quickly and stepped aside to let her in. "Of course." He followed her into the small kitchen and watched as she dropped her bag. "Did you and Jonny have another fight?" he asked. But that did not feel right since the kid dropped her off. "What's up?"
Instead of answering, Jessie focused on his dinner. "Oatmeal? This is what you eat on vacation?"
Race relaxed and grabbed another fork so they could share. "I learned to make do with what's available long ago. This is all that was in the cupboard."
Jessie laughed and then imagined her father doing just that as a young man. Constantly on the verge of danger or catching a bullet. Not much older than Jonny, but with a wife and baby to worry about too. "You should learn to treat yourself every once and while," she suggested.
"That's why I buy overpriced cars," he said with a mouth full of food.
"Fair," she nodded. Dropping the fork. "Want me to order a pizza?"
"Nah…I'm gonna keep it healthy tonight," he decided and then came out with it. "Why are you here, Jess?"
"Not happy to see me?"
"Don't deflect," he shot back. "We haven't been seeing eye to eye. I thought you'd appreciate a break from the arguing. I certainly wasn't expecting you to come find me. So why did you?"
"I didn't like how we left things," she offered.
"Yeah. Me neither," he pursed his lips. "I'm not going anywhere though. Just taking a few days. Sorry if it came off otherwise. I didn't mean to upset you."
"You didn't," she promised. Staring hard at the countertop. "Or maybe you did. I don't even know anymore. There are so many traps in my head right now. I can't keep them all straight. But I know that I'm sorry if I upset you or made you uncomfortable these last few days."
"All things considered…it's a blessing," he smiled softly. "That's not lost on me, sweetheart. We're all doing our best."
She nodded her agreement and forced her mind away from Lena and Lisa and all the other bad thoughts. Including Jonny sitting at home worrying about her. Although that did make her smile a little. "Jonny told me recently that he wished I could see inside his head for two minutes so I'd understand how he really feels. He swears I'd never worry about it again if I actually knew. I'm starting to wish we could all do that."
"That'd be nice, but it wouldn't change my views on living arrangements," Race clarified. "Only time will do that."
"Dad…"
Race interrupted her. "I don't wanna argue about it anymore. As much as I wanna save you from falling…failing like I did…I know I can't tell you what to do anymore, Jess."
"Why are you SO convinced it's a mistake?" she asked without anger.
"Because I'm realistic." Race left it at that and was quiet for a while.
"Say more on that," she urged.
"I don't wanna argue," he repeated.
"Neither do I," she assured. "I wanna know what you're thinking. I'm ready to listen for real."
Race hesitated.
"I promise," she insisted.
"You both have a lot of living and growing to do before you know who you really are and what you want from life," he started. "Most relationships…don't last because people break commitments they were never capable of keeping. Or because a partner's expectations change over time and the other person doesn't evolve to meet them."
"Are you talking about yourself?" she wanted to know.
"Yes," he admitted.
"So, I should wait until I'm forty? Have my whole life figured out before settling down? I thought you wanted grandkids," she joked.
"Of course not," he rolled his eyes.
"What's the magic age to choose your person then?" she pushed. "And isn't it more about WHO you choose? Not WHEN? I'm not arguing," she rushed when she saw his posture change. "I'm just trying to understand."
"We both know I can't win this debate," Race concluded. Leaning away. "I've done nothing but fail in this department. I have no leverage to convince you. I'm smart enough to know that. But also dumb enough to try anyway I guess." He laughed at himself.
"Do you regret it?" she asked boldly.
He swallowed hard. "I'm far from perfect. I have a lot of regrets, Jess."
"Giving up with mom," she specified. "Do you regret that?"
Race grabbed another beer from the refrigerator and took his time with the bottle opener to buy a few minutes. He took a swig before responding. "It's a complicated answer."
"I think I can handle it, dad."
Race took a few more sips before continuing. "I do regret losing her. I should've fought harder to keep our family together," he admitted. "I was young, stupid and stubborn, but…I also wouldn't go back and change anything."
Jessie quirked an eyebrow. "How can you say that?"
"You couldn't understand that part."
She sighed. Hating when people said that to her. "Okay…"
"I wouldn't change anything that doesn't bring those boys into my life," he said with finality. "Would you want me to?"
"No." A smile graced her face. "But I'm also convinced I would've found him anyway."
Race rolled his eyes and grinned. "I can't argue with that kind of blind faith."
"He's the person I'm supposed to be with," she said confidently.
"Then what's the rush?" Race challenged.
She looked away. Not having a concrete response. "Being happy," she eventually shrugged. "Feeling safe. Isn't that enough? I was unhappy at Harvard. And I don't feel…I don't wanna go to California alone."
"Since when?" he asked. "You never said anything when you called."
"I thought I was just homesick," she admitted. "So, I pushed through it. Kept acting like everything was fine assuming my head would eventually catch up. Because it was my dream. It all made perfect sense on paper, but then I started living my dream and it never felt real. It felt like a waystation. The whole time."
"You may have needed to give it more than a few months," he suggested.
"Did I?" she challenged. "I'm adaptable, dad. I have good instincts. At least that's what everyone tells me."
"You do," he nodded.
"I know what works for me," she continued. "And being in Boston only worked on paper. It took a few months for me to accept it."
"What exactly?"
She laughed. "That I couldn't enjoy my dream without him. That he's annoyingly critical to my happiness. If I could control it, I would…every day there just felt like a day I had to get through. Academically, Stanford really is the better choice anyway."
"What if it wasn't?" Race asked.
She sighed deeply. "I honestly don't know anymore. I know what my answer would've been two weeks ago…"
Race responded softly. "That's my point, sweetheart."
"But it's moot," she whispered. "Because it is the better school. The fact that he'll be there on top of that…maybe this is the way it's supposed to be?"
"Maybe," he chimed in.
"He's not a footnote in my life," she pushed. "Main character. I want to be together and I want to change together."
Race took another mouthful of oatmeal as he decided what to say next. "You two have decided to go then?"
"No," she put him out of his misery. "We're staying."
Race huffed. "You couldn't have told me that from the start?"
"No," she chuckled and then sobered. "Because my feelings aren't gonna change nine months from now when we do leave…"
"Alright," he conceded. Deciding to leave that fight for another day. It felt like a win regardless.
"And I know it's unorthodox, but…"
"Don't test your luck," he interrupted. "You're not moving into his room."
"Please reconsider?" she asked. Her voice shook despite her efforts. "I'll sleep on the floor or the couch. I promise…I just don't wanna be alone."
"Jess," Race rubbed the back of his neck and she could hear the annoyance in his voice. "Can't you two idiots just sneak around behind my back?"
That made her laugh out loud. But she filed the comment away instead of saying yes or no. And then she decided to change the subject before he could think about it too much. "So…what's going on currently with my mother?"
She took him off guard. "What're you getting at?" he asked directly. Exhausted.
"I want to know what's happening," she repeated. "Are you trying again? Was it a lapse in judgement? What?"
"What did Jonny say to you?"
Jessie rolled her eyes. "Stop buying time," she accused. "I picked up on it myself. All Jonny told me was to talk to you about it. So here I am."
"You were worried enough to drive out here?"
"I guess," she said quietly. "I know it's not technically my business. But I wanna know if it's real."
"Well…we wanted to talk to you together, but yes. As far as I'm concerned, it's real," he said slowly. "I don't expect it to be an easy road by any means," he laughed. "But I'm hoping," he shook his head and laughed again. "For a happy ending…"
"You love her?"
"She's the only women I've ever loved."
That filled Jessie's heart with joy. "She loves you too."
"Any advice?" Race grinned.
"Be very patient," Jessie chuckled. "Sometimes I think that's the only reason Jonny and I have lasted so long. He's abnormally patient."
"He loves you the way you deserve to be loved," Race corrected.
"Both are true," Jessie countered.
"So," he hedged. "You alright with this? Your mom and I?"
"Definitely," Jessie grinned.
"Put in a good word for me," he joked. "She'll be pissed I talked to you without her."
"I got your back."
XXX
Jonny avoided calling to make sure she was alright even though he really wanted to hear her voice. The way he missed her was both all-consuming and irrational. His heart sped up when he thought about it. His mind went back to a dark place when he thought about it. He tried to sleep it off but kept tossing and turning. He tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his gut. It bothered him that she had offered no updates. Then he remembered her Christmas gift and bolted upright in bed to retrieve it. The thought of watching it made his heart speed up in a good way. He got comfortable on his bed and held his breath in anticipation until the video he selected began.
He could hear her crying before her face came into focus. From what he could tell, she was sitting on her dorm room bed. Pressed close to the headboard. It was a full minute before she spoke and he could not see much.
"I'm crying for the dumbest fucking reason in the world, babe. I want to punch myself in the face. So, prepare yourself. You've been warned. Can you hear that?" She got quiet and pointed the camera at something he could not see. All he saw was darkness. He closed his eyes and focused. Trying to put himself in the moment with her to hear what she was hearing. He scrolled back and listened a few times and thought he heard a shower running. Then the camera flipped back to her face. "That's my roommate. She's having sex in our shower," Jessie sighed. "I'm SO frustrated. I want to be having sex in the shower," she whined cutely. "I want you so much, right now. I've done the math like five times. If I got in my car, I could be in your bed before you wake up." She stared into the lens for a while. Her eyes shifting toward the shower a few times and rolling. "This is even harder than I expected and it's only been a few days. Not sure I can hold out on this plan of mine which is feeling dumber by the minute. I miss your body. I'm literally gonna jump you the moment I see you. A new plan is formulating."
Before Jonny watched the next video, he looked at the log. There were over a hundred in the queue. They were sporadic the first two weeks and jumped to three times a day toward the end. It made him smile. The part of him that understood why she did it was starting to overshadow the part that did not. They survived all the doubt and indecision. The lonely nights and the long days. A fucking serial killer. Everything inside him knew with greater certainty than ever before that she was meant for him. He pushed play on the next video.
"Hey love. We just got off the phone…I should be saying this to you directly. I don't know why I couldn't..." she trailed off for a long moment. "Mary texted me earlier about Cara sitting on your lap at lunch. I wasn't mad. I'm still not. Just really fucking annoyed that she'd do it. I know you pushed her off right away. So that's not it," she clarified and then got quiet again. "I miss you desperately, Quest. You called me and told me everything. No games. No keeping things from me to protect me. I didn't have to fish for information. You just told me everything," she paused. "I trust you completely. Thank you for making that easy. It puts my heart at ease. I love being in love with my best friend."
Jonny remembered that day clearly. Mostly that he HAD considered not telling her for that very reason. To protect her. To avoid a potential fight. But then he realized he would want to know if the situation were reversed. He would not want to be left in the dark.
She was in full make-up in the next video. Her hair was perfectly tousled. She was whispering. "I want to call you, but it's three in the morning and you didn't answer my last text. I guess you went to bed. I'm home safe from the party. I don't see the appeal at all. Really curious if you'll like them. The quote 'college experience' isn't for me," she mused. "At least not without you. You make everything fun so I'd prolly enjoy a frat party with you." She took a long pause and her eyes darted around. "This makes me a hypocrite…but I legit hate the idea of you at these parties without me. Oh...wait! You're calling me right now!"
Jonny remembered that conversation too. Vividly. It was not his finest moment.
"Hi! I thought you fell asleep," she greeted excitedly.
He scoffed loudly. "You think I could sleep knowing that you're hanging out with a bunch of frat assholes, Jess?"
"You sound like you just woke up," she teased.
"No...I'm just fucking miserable," he shot back. "I was worried."
"It was a party, Quest. Just a party. Can we not, please?"
"I'm sorry," he sighed. "I'm really missing you."
"I really miss you too." He went quiet. "Babe?"
"Jess...," he started. "I don't know if I can keep doing..."
"Doing what?" she interrupted.
He heard the fear in her voice. "Nothing," he laughed awkwardly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad."
"Then tell me what's on your mind?" she asked. "No filter."
"It's hard not to worry when I'm not there," he admitted. "You're my world. You still know that, right?"
"I do," she sighed happily. "And I'm missing you every second. The party was lame. Just reminded me why I only end up hanging out with you when we go to parties."
"I thought it was because you're obsessed with me," he flirted.
"That too," she grinned and then got serious. "I know this is hard. I'm feeling the same way. But I need to know we can do this. Don't you? We're gonna be apart more often than not the next few years. So, we have to figure it out. We have to…because I can't lose you. I'm too in love with you to let go, Quest. I'm miserable, but I'd be more miserable if you weren't mine."
"Beautiful…that's all I needed to hear. We can do this."
"We will," she agreed confidently
Jonny opened his eyes and smiled at nothing as the memory faded. He had spent so many sleepless nights worrying they would grow apart no matter how many promises were made. That weight had lifted. He picked up his phone and stared at the screen for a while. A little disappointed that she still had not texted or called. But assuming that was a good sign overall.
The next video made him sit upright in bed and hold his breath. She was topless and gorgeous with the natural light filtering in behind her. "Happy sexiversary…I'm too nervous to send anything like this," she shrugged and bit her lip. "But I kinda want to. I like the idea of it popping up on your screen and thinking about how you'd react," she laughed. "I've been remembering that night all day," she admitted wistfully. Running fingertips along her collarbone. Maybe I'm romanticizing it…but I don't think so. It was a perfect night, babe. It's always perfect with you though."
Jonny held his breath as he waited to see what she would do next. He impatiently checked to see how much time was left in the video. Disappointed to find only a few more seconds. "Alright," she continued. "…I need to go remember you some more before my roommate gets back," she teased and then the screen went dark.
"Fuck," Jonny plopped back in frustration. The visual of her touching herself the night before she was taken was still fresh in his mind. Even though he had not let her finish, he liked imagining it. A knock stopped his imagination in its tracks. "Fuck," he closed his computer and trudged toward the sound.
"Hey Pop," he greeted with little enthusiasm. Opening the door wide and walking back into his room as an invitation to follow. "What's up?"
Benton followed. Taking a seat in his son's computer chair and looking around the room. Expecting to find Jessie also. "You and Jess missed dinner," he pointed out. "You've been hiding out all day."
"Not intentionally," Jonny assured. Sitting on the edge of his bed. "Just working our way through it."
Benton nodded. Wanting to help. "Is Jess sleeping already?" he asked.
Jonny shook his head. "I dropped her off at Race's rental. They got into it earlier and she wanted to talk." He checked his phone while explaining and then sighed. "I'm not sure if she plans to spend the night. She took a bag but may decide to come home anyway. I'm waiting to hear."
Benton listened patiently and could tell that Jonny was anxious. "That's good," he offered lightly. "They'll both feel better after spending some time together.
"Yeah," Jonny acknowledged, but checked his phone again.
"She's with Race, son. So perfectly safe."
"I know," Jonny shot back a little defensively. "It's…I know she's safe," he agreed. "But I still feel...unnerved not being with her."
"Jonny…"
.
"I'll get over it," he interrupted quickly. "It's only been a few days."
"I wasn't rushing you," Benton promised. "I don't expect you to brush this off. I'd be more concerned if you told me you were fine. What you're describing sounds quite reasonable."
"It does?" he asked. More relaxed.
"Completely," Benton confirmed.
"That makes me feel better. Race doesn't understand," Jonny shook his head. "Maybe you could talk to him? He'll listen to you."
"Race understands," Benton contradicted. "I'm sure he doesn't wish to let her out of his sight either."
"He doesn't," Jonny argued. "He's being unreasonable."
"About what?" Benton pushed.
Jonny paused and tried to figure out how to explain. Realizing quickly that his father was not likely to be sympathetic to him sharing a bed with his girlfriend. No matter how noble the intentions. He could not think of a way to effectively make the argument.
Benton waited a moment longer and then asked outright. "Are you planning to leave with her in a few weeks?"
"No," Jonny promised quickly. "We talked about it, but we're staying."
"Good," Benton released a long breath. "That's good. If that's the case, what's Race being unreasonable about?"
"Nothing," he deflected.
"Just tell me," Benton urged.
"Jess…hasn't wanted to sleep alone," Jonny admitted awkwardly and then met his father's gaze. He could not expect to be treated like an adult if he could not talk about it maturely. "Which I think is pretty understandable given what she's been through. But Race's view is...old fashioned."
"Oh," Benton offered uncomfortably.
"What do you think?" Jonny wanted to know.
"Well...it doesn't matter," Benton reasoned. "If Race isn't comfortable with it…I can't…"
"I'd still like to know to your opinion," Jonny requested.
"Practically speaking I know...that when you two head off to California together…" he trailed off.
"Dad?"
Benton shook his head. "I'm not comfortable with it under this roof either, Jonny. I think you're the one being unreasonable," he added softly. "Did you really expect Race to be okay with it?"
"No." Jonny looked away. Hearing his logical father disagree made him take pause. But then he saw her face and got angry instead.
"Don't get frustrated," Benton warned. "We'll figure it out."
"I AM frustrated," Jonny stood and started to pace. "Because you're making it into something it's not. Just like Race. And that pisses me off. I'm not pushing for this so I can…you know. And I don't care about Race's comfort level. I care that the girl I love doesn't feel SAFE sleeping alone. Why is it unreasonable that I need to FIX that?" he challenged. "I couldn't protect her…I couldn't…," he looked at this phone again. Wishing she would call or text. Deciding that he would find a way to give her what she needed anyway. Having their approval was only gravy.
"Jonny…"
"I'd like to be alone."
"I'd like to finish this conversation and I'd like for you to look at me while we do."
Jonny turned around reluctantly and sat down in his window seat. "What's the point? Race doesn't understand how I feel and isn't willing to be flexible. You know exactly how I feel and aren't willing to be flexible. I couldn't protect her from a monster. I may not be able to protect her from the world finding out about it. Making her relive it all. But I CAN hold her when she has a bad dream or needs to cry. She's staying for me, Pop. I think that's the very least I can do."
"What can I do to help?" his father asked.
Jonny thought about it for a while before answering. "Don't let the press report her name. Whatever it takes? Please? I can't have her dealing with that too."
"That should be handled, but I'll make a few calls to be absolutely sure," he promised.
"Thank you," Jonny sighed.
"What else?"
Jonny pursed his lips. "I promised her I wouldn't do this, but…there's one more thing on my mind," he said carefully. Not sure that he wanted to say it at all. "The FBI has pictures of her. They made me look while they interrogated me."
Benton put his face in his hands and processed. "I'm sorry. I didn't know that. That's…"
"Awful," Jonny agreed quickly, but did not want to dwell on it long. "They mentioned video too. I don't know if that was a bluff to rattle me. Anyway…I know it's all part of a case file now, but the case is closed. They don't need that evidence now," he breathed heavily. "I promised her I'd leave it alone. She's afraid I'll get caught…doesn't think it's worth the risk."
"Stop," Benton stood. "This is crazy. Don't even think about it."
"I can't STOP thinking about it. Because I don't want that shit in existence! Maybe I do think it's worth the risk if it helps her sleep at night."
"You'd be replacing one worry with a larger once," Benton reasoned. "Which is why she made you promise in the first place. I know you don't wanna break that promise. Don't do it. Sometimes your word means more than your actions. Don't start breaking promises to her. That will only make it easier the second time. Don't do it."
"I won't," Jonny promised and then looked his father dead in the eyes. "But she didn't make you promise."
"Son…"
XXX
Jonny was jolted into the present by his ringing phone. It interrupted the musings of his guilty conscience, which kept replaying the conversation with his father. He felt terrible for pressuring his dad, but not enough to take it back. Selfishly he wanted it to be taken care of, but also knew he needed to sleep on it. The face lighting up his screen let him forget.
"Hi beautiful," he answered. Happy that she finally called.
"Did I wake you?" she asked softly.
"Nah," he assured. "I was waiting up to hear from you. How was it?"
"Good," she grinned. "I'm glad that I came. I feel much better."
"Why are we whispering?" he mimicked.
"My dad just went to bed," she informed. "We stayed up late watching old movies and catching up. Sorry I didn't call or text sooner. I didn't realize how long it'd been since he and I hung out one on one. I didn't wanna step away."
"Understandable," Jonny offered.
"I just crashed on the couch," she explained.
"Comfortable?"
"Passable. So, what did you do tonight besides worry?" she asked knowingly. It made him laugh.
"Mostly I enjoyed my Christmas gift," he hummed.
"Oh God," she groaned. "My brain keeps erasing that. How embarrassed should I be? Give it to me straight."
"Not at all," he promised. "I love it so much. ESPECIALLY the one where you're topless."
She squeaked in surprise. "Oh shit…I actually did mean to delete that one."
"Hey…I was promised unfiltered," he reminded.
"Okay," she relaxed. "But don't subject me to more details?"
"Deal."
They held a comfortable silence for a minute and then she broke it. "Babe?"
"Yeah?" he whispered.
"I know it's the middle of the night, but can you come get me?" she asked quietly.
"Baby?"
"Yeah?" she whispered back.
"I'm parked outside," he told her.
She sat up and then reconsidered. "Are you lying?"
"No…I'm just fucking pathetic," he sighed. "Do you wanna come be pathetic with me?"
"I do," she mused. "Be there in a minute." Jessie put on her shoes and wrote her father a note quickly. Then she grabbed her bag and was out the door just as fast. He was leaning against the passenger side of the car. Waiting with a smile. He looked like heaven to her lit by the streetlights. A mixture of the innocent boy that had 'picked' her up for their first date and the devoted man that knew exactly what she needed. She dropped the bag and wrapped her arms around his neck like it had been months instead of hours. He returned the embrace like he felt the same way.
"What're you doing here?" she asked. Unwilling to let him go yet.
Jonny tightened his own hold. "Needed to be close in case my girl couldn't sleep," he admitted.
Her heart melted. "Take me home, baby."