Chapter Forty-One
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SUMMARY: Bard and Sigrid have a frank discussion, Rhian confronts her fears, and both our Kings need a bit of help to move on, but what they really need is each other…
…and the "Elf Thing."
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"Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know it's an impossibility, but I cannot help myself."
- Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle
City of Dale, 5th of June 2943 T.A.
"Are you ready, pet?" Hannah had her arm around Rhian's shoulders.
"As ready as I'll ever be." She made herself stand up straight, and opened the front door of her house.
The worst of the mess had been swept up. The pools of blood had been scrubbed from the stones outside on the porch, and from the inside hall, where Ivran had fallen, and the bits of broken glass and pottery and soil from all her potted plants had been swept clean. The windows had been boarded over, but Ben had already purchased more glass from the Dwarves, and his men had begun to pull off the wood and replace them.
Still, their home was a mess, and the sight of it made Rhian's stomach churn with anxiety, and she burst into tears.
Hannah held her for a while, as she worked through her distress, but when she started to wonder if she could ever feel safe again, that's when the young girl lifted her head from the woman's shoulder, and got angry.
"No!" she wiped her eyes. "I won't let those arseholes chase me from my own house! I won't do it!"
"That's the spirit." Hannah rubbed her back.
"It's true!" she stomped her foot. "This is the first place, that ever felt like a real home, and I will be damned if I'm going to let a bunch of filthy, lowlife bastards take it from me! No more!"
Her words were met with a round of applause, not only from Hannah, but from her Da, who happened to walk in, just then.
"That's my girl!" Ben kissed her forehead. "I knew you had it in you. You get that from your Mam. Ooh, she was a firecracker when she was young!"
He reached over and kissed Hannah's cheek. "Hello, you." He smiled down at her.
Hannah had the grace to blush. "Hello, you. What are you doing here?"
"I can only stay a minute, then I've got to get to work. The new windows should be ready by the end of this week. Rhian, can you to make a list of all the furniture to be replaced, and I'll order most of it from the Palace. Some of it can be done here, but we need too much all at once."
"Sure. We'll have it this afternoon. I think we should send one of the dining room chairs back to the Palace to make sure the new one's match."
"Whatever you want. Where's Darryn?"
"He is with Lady Sigrid. I don't want him here until I can scrub the place down, and make sure all the broken glass is gone."
"Good. I'm headed to the Castle next, so I'll pop in and see him. Have fun!" he grinned wryly and was off.
The back garden wasn't nearly as bad as Rhian had feared. Just a few beds of annuals had been ruined during Ruvyn's struggle with the bandits, but those could easily be replaced, but her real concern were the perennials…
"Oh, thank the stars!" she breathed, when she checked one of the beds.
"What?"
"I was afraid they ruined Daeron's flowers, but they're all right! I don't want to think what it would be like if they had damaged them!"
"The flowers can be replaced you know." Hannah studied her carefully. "Even those bulbs."
"Oh, I know; it's just that… It would've been awful if they didn't get to bloom. I think I know what they are, but I've been anxious to see them."
"Really?"
"I know it's silly, sometimes, but when I sit out here, I feel like Daeron's not so far away. He's the best friend I've ever had, and I… miss him." She sighed. "Especially since all this happened, you know?"
"I know." Hannah said quietly. "It's been hard, for everyone."
Rhian sat down next to her. "Stars, I'm only thinking about myself, aren't I? Are you all right, Hannah?" She put her arms around the woman.
"Oh, I'm fine. Or rather, I will be." She laid her cheek on Rhian's head. "It's tough going, at times, but I'm glad you're all staying with me."
"Do you have bad dreams, too?"
"It's funny. I have nightmares, but not about that. I've been dreaming about my father, and my childhood. I think all the violence triggered them, but I suppose that's to be expected."
"Me, too." Rhian sounded relieved. "I mean, I'm dreaming about Garth and Phylip." Rhian lifted her head and gave her friend a determined look. "We can't help our dreams, but I'll be damned if they get one minute of my day. They don't deserve it!"
"Listen to you!" Hannah chuckled, and hugged her again. "Can you see how far you've come, since Darryn was born? Good for you!"
"Good for us." Rhian hugged her tight. "Good for all of us."
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Darryn was running up and down the Great Hall, squealing and dragging his blankie, as Sigrid and Tilda chased him. Bard had heard the noise and left his study to watch them for a few minutes. The sounds of joy and laughter felt like a balm to sooth everyone's still-jangled nerves.
He felt Percy come up behind him, and put a hand on his shoulder. "They'll be all right, son."
Instinctively, Bard leaned back a little, on this man who has been like a father to him. "I hope so. I'm glad the baby's here. It's cheering them both up."
"Frankly, I'm surprised Tilda didn't go into shock like she did after the Battle." Percy observed, as he watched her dodge around the tables and chairs. "Not that I'm complaining, mind you."
"Me either."
Percy nudged him. "Bard, at the risk of becoming a nag, I'd like to repeat my request."
"Which one is that?" Bard looked at him in curiously.
"The one where you all to quit trying to die on me! 2 You're turning me into an old man, you know."
"You are an old man," Bard smirked, and jabbed at him, "'Old Man.'"
"Speak for yourself! I'm still in the flower of my youth, and I plan to stay that way." The Steward looked at him from the corner of his eye, then turned back to watch the children. "It does my heart good to see them like this."
"The kids do fine, as long as we're in the building, but have you seen any of them go outside unless they had to?" Bard asked him. "The burials were different; we all went as a group, but Bain hasn't gone to see the new puppies, Sigrid makes excuses not to go to the Healing House, and Tilda hasn't slept in her own bed since we brought her back, and she doesn't want Charlotte anymore!"
"Bard," Percy said softly, "it hasn't even been a week. I'd say give it a few more days, then get them back to their regular routine."
"You're right. It'll be easier when Thranduil gets back. I hate that he left, but I would've insisted he go, if he'd hesitated. Meldon's family must be in agony… He has parents, and a sister, did you know that?"
"I liked the lad," Percy said quietly. "Did you know he was Legolas's best friend?"
The Bowman's head whipped around to meet his eyes. "No, I didn't even think to ask him about his private life." Bard winced. "I took those Guards for granted, Pers. I didn't know I was doing it, of course, but I did, and now I feel ashamed." Bard said, thoughtfully. "I remember when Thranduil first assigned them right after the Battle… I was annoyed as shit, and argued with him about it, did I ever tell you that?"
"No, but I'm not surprised. That sounds like something you'd do." He smirked at the Bowman, and nudged him with this shoulder. "You just weren't used to being some hifalutin' potentate."
"True. I'm still not used to it." He smiled, sadly. "Then this happens, and an Elf is dead, and another's insides are chewed to bits... Gods, Pers; how do I stop feeling guilty about it? They're working on Thranduil's orders, which they'll follow without question, but they got hurt on our behalf, not his! I wouldn't blame for resenting us, would you?"
"But they don't, Bard. They stayed at first, because they love Thranduil, but now, they love us for ourselves. Look."
Bard observed the smiles on the Guards faces, as they watched Darryn giggle and zoom around with Sigrid and Tilda chasing him. The girls were trying to tire him out before his nap, and from the looks of it, it was having the opposite effect. The little boy was shouting and laughing, and it looked like his poor little blanket needed a wash (Everyone knew that was always tricky – Darryn hated to be parted from it). He toddled over and began to climb all over Thangon, who was lying down by the fire pit. The great dog patiently bore Darryn's attentions, until he got bored and began to run again.
"A baby's laughter has a magic more powerful than even the Valar can muster," Bard said softly.
Percy turned around to go back to their study, "It's going to be all right, Bard." He squeezed Bard's shoulder again, and went back to work. "It really will. You'll see."
He knew Percy was right; there was little use in looking for problems where there were none. The King of Dale took a deep breath and walked forward, catching Darryn up in his arms with a growl. "Gotcha!" he grinned.
It would take a while, but they would be fine.
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The Woodland Realm, 8th of June 2943 T.A.
Since the moment he stepped out of the flames (or had been thrown out, by Celeborn) Thranduil's focus had been on others.
Thranduil had sent Feren to the family to break the news, then the Commander escorted them from their village, to a suite in the Royal Wing, where they would stay until after the funeral. As soon as the Elvenking arrived at the Palace, he headed straight to the suite to meet Meldon's parents, to offer his personal condolences and offer them his support. Then he sat and held the mother's hand and listened to them, as they expressed their grief, and shared stories of their son.
"He loved his job, My Lord," his mother said tearfully. "The day he was promoted to Lieutenant and asked to join the Guardians was the proudest day of his life. He had dreamed of that since he was a child."
"Meldon was a good friend to my son, and we will miss him very much."
"Thank you, My Lord." Meldon's father said. "He and Prince Legolas were always together, and I think perhaps that's why he requested to work in Dale; he wanted to help look after you all in your son's absence."
Thranduil's throat tightened, and it was a few moments before he could speak. "Legolas treasured Meldon's friendship, but your son was well-respected both here and in Dale, not only by my husband and our family, but by all who knew him. I encourage you to visit the City soon, if you can. You will find many who are eager to pay their respects."
"Thank you, My Lord." Meldon's father bowed his head. "Perhaps we will, one day. For now, we will return with our daughter, to await the birth of our grandchild."
"Of course," Thranduil stood and bid them good night. "You may stay at the Palace for as long as you wish; if there is anything we can do in the future, you need only ask."
The funeral was moving and beautiful, as was the song of the Elves, as they laid Meldon into the ground and sang his fëa to the Halls of Waiting. Thranduil joined in the song, and shed a few tears of his own, as he mourned not only the young Lieutenant, but all the Elves who had died in service to his Kingdom. He prayed that their stay in Mandos' Halls would be brief, and that they would know joy and peace with their new lives in Valinor.
During all that, Galion fussed over the Elvenking. Thranduil allowed it, and though he hated to admit it, he appreciated it. Almost immediately after he arrived in his Chambers, the Aide threw his arms around him and held him tightly from relief, then checked him over to make sure he was unhurt, despite repeated assurances that he was fine. He smiled to himself when Galion grieved over the loss of some of his hair, and sat patiently, while Galion carefully trimmed it even.
"It will grow back, Galion."
"Be quiet, and allow me to fret; it makes me feel better. Now, hold still, or your hair will be uneven."
Thranduil reached his hand back and took the Aide's. "Thank you for staying here and taking care of things, Mellon. I know you wanted to rush to Dale and see us."
Galion stopped for a moment, as he squeezed the Elvenking's hand. Then he took a deep breath, and resumed his mindless chatter, as he finished trimming the Elvenking's hair.
Throughout his stay, Thranduil could see Galion look at him with worry in his eyes, and knew his Aide and friend would not rest until he got to the bottom of what was weighing down his heart. On the last evening before they were due to return to Dale, Galion got tired of waiting, and spoke up.
They had finished a private dinner in his chambers, and were settled on the couches enjoying some wine and a quiet evening, before they were to return to Dale.
"Thranduil?"
"Hmmm?" He answered absently.
"Are you well?" The Aide looked at him intensely.
"I do not know what you mean."
"Yes, you do." Galion got up and sat down beside him. "Mellon nîn, your children were attacked, Tilda very nearly died, and you nearly burned to death!" He put his hand on Thranduil's shoulder. "I know it is affecting you; I can see it!"
The Elvenking said nothing, just stared into his glass.
The Aide pressed further. "Have you had a chance to talk to Bard about any of this?"
He shook his head. "There has been no opportunity or time…"
"Because you have been taking care of everyone else."
"We have to, Galion! We are Kings, and when disaster strikes, our people must come first!" he sighed. "It is no one's fault; if I were married to someone other than a ruler of his own nation, it would be different, but this cannot be helped."
"That is not necessarily true. You have me, and Bard has Hilda and Percy. You do have people to look after you, Thranduil. But there is only so much we can do. What you need," he smiled, "is each other. You miss being with him, do you not?"
Thranduil nodded. "I do. Beyond the physical, which I miss very much, I feel… apart from Bard. I have for a while."
"You have been apart from Bard! You were here for over a week before the attack, and had only returned to Dale minutes before the incident."
"It was worse than that, Mellon."
"What do you mean?"
"I had sensed something was going to happen, and was fretful for a month before then. Bard was frustrated and fed up, because I could not say exactly what I was afraid of. Then I returned, and lost my temper, because he allowed Bain to go riding outside the City Gates, and we had a terrible argument. When we learned the girls were taken, and saw the state of Ben's home, and Esta… Bard was furious, at himself, yes, but at me, too, and he pushed me away..."
"But you did speak with Bard after, and things between you are well, again?"
"They are better, yes, but he does not know everything."
"What does he not know?"
The Elvenking sighed. "I close my eyes, Galion, and all I see are flames..." He rubbed his forehead with anxiety, and spoke to his Aide for a long time, pouring out his anguish and regret.
"Thranduil," The Aide squeezed his shoulder. "You know I love you. And we both know that I understand, more than anyone, how this affects you, but I do not think you will feel better until you can speak of this with Bard. You have never really talked about your burns during the War with him, have you?"
"No. Not since the night in my tent, when you told him of it."
"It is high time you did. He knows the facts, but your husband needs to know your feelings about it."
"Do you think so?"
"Yes. Thranduil, I can listen, and of course offer you comfort, but Bard is your husband, Ion-nauth, and as your bond-mate, he can heal you in ways I cannot. In the meantime, I can make sure you get a good night's sleep, free from dreams. Wait here."
Galion got up, and went to the door to send for a Healer to perform a losta-luith, and within a half-hour, Thranduil was getting some true rest for the first time in weeks.
Once the Elvenking was in bed, Galion sat down and wrote a short message to Hilda, to be delivered via bird at once.
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City of Dale, 9th of June 2943 T.A.
"Ada's coming!" Tilda heard the bells from the West Gate, and ran into Bard's study. "He's back!"
"All right, Beanie. I'm coming." Bard came around his desk and let his daughter grab his hand and drag him through the Great Hall and onto the dais, where the King of the Woodland Realm was riding into the Courtyard with his Guards, and his Chief Aide.
"King Thranduil!" Bard waved. "Welcome home!"
"King Bard," the Elf smiled. "I am happy to be home. Hello, Tithen Pen!" He dismounted and picked up Tilda and placed her on his hip, then gave her a kiss. "Have you gotten bigger?"
"No, silly, you've only been gone a few days!"
"Well, Ermon did say your body is better. Perhaps you will grow up to be taller than me."
"Nobody's as tall as you. Uncle Galion!" she wiggled in Ada's arms, and reached out for the Aide. "You're finally here!" She hugged him tight. "You've been gone forever! Did Ada tell you what happened?"
"Mae g'ovannen, Tilda!" Galion smiled and kissed her, as he took her. "Yes, Ada told me some of it." He smiled at her. "You look radiant, Tithen Pen! Your cheeks are so pink!" The Aide winked at her. "Come, child. Let us allow your parents to have some time to themselves, and you can tell me all about your visit with Lord Celeborn. I have not seen him and his wife for a very long time. Did you see the Mallorn trees? Are they not the tallest trees you have ever seen?" He and the little girl chattered as they went inside.
"That was nice of him," Bard smiled after them.
The Elvenking hugged the Bowman. "I have missed you, Meleth nîn," he whispered.
"Me, too." Bard sighed. "I hate it, but I've still got a full schedule today, and…"
"Here you go!" Hilda showed up just then with a sack. "This is to take with you." She handed it to Bard.
"What is this, Hil?"
"You two are going to your Lodge for a couple of days. It's all arranged, and we sent food ahead—"
"But—"
"…this is a change of clothes for each of you, and the Hunting Lodge has been aired out with fresh towels and linens…"
Thranduil's eyes narrowed. "Galion knows about this?"
"He sent me a message last night."
"Why didn't you say anything?" the King of Dale demanded.
"Because of the way you're acting right now. Now Bard, your horse is waiting at the stables. They saddled him up as soon as they heard the bells at the gate."
"But what about the children? What about Tilda? She's still—"
"Bard." Hilda put her hand on his shoulder. "Tilda has been hanging all over you both since this happened, and it's time for her to get back to normal. Tauriel, Sigrid and I have a project to keep her occupied and I think it will help her get past things. We'll keep all the kids busy."
"I'm not sure, Hil..." Bard was still skeptical.
"Well, I am." Hilda gave him a look. "You're both going, and that's all there is to it." She stood on tiptoe, and kissed each one of them. "Now get your bloody arses out of here, and we'll see you day after tomorrow; hopefully without that look on both of your faces."
"What look?" Bard demanded.
Hilda put her hand on his cheek. "You both look tired and lonely, and it's time to fix that, love." She clapped her hands together. "Now, get you gone, this instant! Go on!"
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The ride to the Hunting Lodge was surprisingly short. Once they accepted their fate, they were eager to get away, and set their horses to run. As soon as they arrived and took care of their horses, they held hands as they carried their bags inside.
"You've been in the saddle most of the day." Bard offered. "You wash up, while I put our stuff away."
The Elvenking stripped to the waist, then cleaned the dirt from his face and hands, while Bard made quick work of their luggage.
"Do you realize it's been almost a month since we've been alone together? You were gone for weeks before all…that… happened, then after, we didn't have a second to call our own and then you had to leave— Thranduil? Are you all right?"
The Elvenking had his hands on the windowsill, staring outside. Bard studied his face, and saw the dark circles and haggard look, and the heavy weight on his shoulders. His Elf looked exhausted. And broken.
Bard came up behind him, put his arms around him and kissed between his shoulder blades. "What is it, love?"
Thranduil turned around and hugged his Bowman. "I am glad we are alone, and I do want you, but I… Can we talk? I just…"
Bard took his face in his hands and looked into his eyes. "What's wrong?"
The Elf closed his eyes, and swallowed. "I feel… all wrong inside, and I do not know how to get past it..." He put Bard's hands over his heart. "Can you help me? Please?" The last word came out as a sob.
Bard could feel the turmoil in his husband. "Oh, love… Come here." He said quietly. "Come on."
He led Thranduil over to the bed and helped him out of his boots and leggings, and once he got him comfortable, he put together a tray of drinks and snacks and set them by the bed. Then he shed his clothes and crawled in beside him and took his Elf in his arms.
"Gods, this feels so good." He moaned. "I've missed feeling you like this."
Thranduil laid his head on Bard's shoulder, and ran his hand through his chest hair. "I know Tilda needed the extra security, but my skin has been aching for you."
Bard kissed his hair. "Can you tell me what's troubling you? Was it the attack, or the fight we had? I'm sorry about that, Thranduil, I really am…"
"I know. I am sorry for the terrible things I said, as well. But I need to tell you something, and it is difficult for me to speak of it."
"I understand. What do you need from me?"
"Just to listen, and…believe me when I say, I do not say these things to make you or anyone feel worse. I just need to tell you what happened."
"I'll do that. But let's have a drink first." He poured out two glasses of wine and handed one over.
Thranduil emptied his cup, then handed it back before settling down against Bard's chest. "I know you remember how angry I was that day... And when we went to save the hostages, we both were struggling…"
"We both were angry love, and I was awful to you." Bard tightened his arms. "But I also remember something happened just as we reached that clearing. I could feel how terrified you were; it nearly knocked me down, it was so strong. What happened?"
Thranduil blew out a breath. "I... knew I was going to die."
Bard stiffened. "What do you mean?"
"I was terrified, because I had a vision, Bard. Of my death, in the fire."
The Elf paused for a few seconds, then whispered, "I saw the Dragon I had killed in Mordor, and I…saw the fire, again. I knew I was going to be caught into the flames... I kissed you then, because I was saying goodbye, Bard. I knew I was not going to escape."
"Oh, gods…" Bard whispered and began to stroke his smooth blonde hair.
"I had to try and make things right between us because…" Thranduil's voice broke. "I thought of you, and the children and Legolas…. I miss my son so much, Bard, and it hurt to think I'd never see him again, but… I w-was so frightened! I cannot face burns like that, ever again. I just cannot, and I was just praying it would be quick, because I didn't want to live through it… I could not endure that, even for my family. Not even for you... Forgive me."
"Oh, gods… no wonder you look so awful! I can't imagine what you must have been going through. I'm so sorry, Thran, and I wish I could take back all those horrible things I said…"
"I know," Thranduil wiped his eyes. "I will not lie, and say it did not make things worse, because it did, Meleth nîn. But we both behaved badly, and I could not allow our last words to be full of anger."
"I see that, now." He handed Thranduil another glass, this time with water. "Here. Now talk to me!"
The Elvenking couldn't help but smile. "That is what Galion said."
"Well, he's a smart Elf." Bard brushed Thranduil's hair away from his face. "You've been having nightmares, haven't you? I'd be surprised if you didn't, but it's more than that, isn't it?"
The Elvenking nodded, reluctantly. "I… I am grateful, that I am still here, and that we are all right, but…" his lips trembled. "But I feel…far away from things, Bard. His breathing became rapid, and he covered his eyes. " Half of my mind is still with that fire...and I-I cannot escape it! It will not leave me, no matter how hard I try, and I do not know what to do! I feel like I am lost in those flames and cannot get out... Please, help me!"Thranduil's composure completely disintegrated, and began to sob. Gin iallon, Bard…ni nathad! Ú-chebin estel anim!" Bard hugged him as he began to finally let go.
When the Elf's glamour fell, and his injuries were exposed, Bard quickly pulled the hair away from his face. "It's all right, Thranduil," he whispered. "I'm here…" then held him tight rubbed his back, as he murmured soothing words.
After a long while, his Elf began to calm down, he kissed his hair. "Do you think you can replace your glamour, love? It'll make you feel better. Just try."
Thranduil managed to get his breathing under control, and took care of it. Then he saw the tears in the Bowman's eyes and sighed. "I am sorry, Bard. I do not wish to upset you—"
"Shh…. Don't do that. Don't pull back inside of yourself. You stay with me, yeah?" Bard gave the Elf an encouraging smile. "I want you to talk to me, and if it upsets me, that's only because I love you, and it's hard to see you hurting like this. Hang on a minute." Bard got out of bed, grabbed a wet cloth and a small towel, carefully wiped his husband's face, then set the cloths aside.
Bard wracked his brains; how to pull his Elf away from this?
He took a deep breath, then eased Thranduil onto his back. "It's all right; I've got you…. Can you trust me?"
"Always."
"Then let me help."
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After a long while, they broke apart with a sigh. Bard took the washcloth and towel, cleaned them both off, then gave Thranduil some more water.
"Are you hungry? I can get us something, if you want."
"I am hungry, but I cannot let go of you, just yet. Can we please just lay here for a while?"
"Sure thing." Bard settled them back down, so they lay facing each other. "Feel better?"
"A little," the Elf's sigh was a bit ragged. "Thank you, Bard…."
"Hey, hey… That's what I'm here for, to share the burdens, yeah? I wasn't even sure that would work, but it was the only thing I could think of."
"It was perfect." Thranduil looked into his eyes. "Do you really think it will be all right, Bard?"
"I do. It will take some time, but to tell you the truth, I can't think of anything I'd rather do with you, anyway. Gods," he grinned, "I love to fuck you… It's always so intense."
Thranduil took Bard's hand and kissed his palm. "It is." He sighed heavily. "I do feel like a weight has begun to lift. Galion had told me when we were at the Palace that I needed to talk about it, but only you could really help me."
"I think he's right, love." The Bowman became serious, as he kissed their intertwined fingers. "We share a fëa now. And this is what we're supposed to do: share our burdens. This time, it's my turn to take care of you, so you'll just have to endure it."
"I will try, Meleth nîn." Thranduil chuckled, and ran his hands over the hair on Bard's chest. "I see you have been practicing your Sindarin."
"Blame the girls for that. Sigrid's decided I've been lazy about it, so she and Tilda have been refusing to speak to me in Westron, so I'll learn." Bard shrugged. "I hate to admit it, but it's actually a good idea. Bain gets irritated, but he's catching on faster, too." Bard grinned and rubbed their noses together. "Amman? Den serog?" he teased.
Thranduil's response was to grab Bard by his shoulders, and show him just how much he liked it.
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ELVEN TRANSLATIONS:
Ion-nauth – Son of my heart
Mae g'ovannen, Tilda! – Well met, Tilda!
Gin iallon, Bard…ni nathad! - Oh, please, Bard…help me!
Ú-chebin estel anim! - I cannot keep hope for myself!
Davo annin gi nathad, Meleth nîn. - Let me help you, My Love.
Davo annin gi nestad… - Let me heal you…
Gi melin, Thranduil, a ni am… - I love you Thranduil, and I am here…
Car nin…car nin – I do…I do
Caro hi! – Do it now!
Amman? Den serog? – Why? Do you like it?"
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NOTES:
[1] From "What Makes a King," CH 13: /works/10838010/chapters/25232985
[2] From "And Winter Came," CH 36: "Percy stood up straight and looked at the two Kings, with an agitated look. 'I would appreciate it, if the people in this family would stop trying to die on us; Hilda and I are getting way too old for this shit.'" /works/12026709/chapters/31753875