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Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

Chapter 3

Lovino didn't know how long he and Feliks remained like that. It was embarrassing to cry in a stranger's chest, but he never cared about what other people thought about him. No, that wasn't completely true. He didn't care about the lies they thought about him. But Feliks was seeing the truth. The truth he hadn't allowed anyone to see for a long time. He felt vulnerable. And even though being wrapped in someone else's warmth for a change felt nice, he didn't feel comfortable.

He sniffed and pulled away. Feliks gave him a small smile.

"Better?" he asked.

Lovino huffed, looking away.

"Don't you have business to take care of?" he asked. "They'll get suspicious if you take too long."

"And what about you?" Feliks asked.

Lovino shrugged.

"This isn't the first time I missed class," he said.

Feliks sighed.

"Like, it's okay," he said. "I came here because I was starting to have a panic attack. Like, the teachers totally understand."

Lovino frowned. Why would Feliks admit to something like that so freely?

"…Don't tell anyone about what happened," he said.

"…Are you really like intent on maintaining your image?" Feliks asked.

"I'm not maintaining anything."

Lovino didn't elaborate. He was still uncomfortable with being so close to someone.

"…I see," Feliks said. "Okay then."

He stood, and Lovino looked towards him. Feliks smiled.

"Can I like trust you?" Feliks asked. "Because I totally don't want my parents getting a call about me having a like huge panic attack."

Lovino knew what Feliks was asking him. He wanted to know if he would try to continue what he started. Lovino huffed.

"Why do you even bother?" Lovino asked. "Give or take a few weeks, you'll be wishing me dead too."

He hadn't meant to say it, and it was clear that Feliks hadn't expected it. Feliks averted his eyes.

"Like, what about Feliciano?" Feliks asked. "Or… What was the other's name? Marco?"

"Marcello," Lovino corrected.

"And how would they feel about it? Do you think they want you dead?"

"I doubt they'd even notice."

Feliks stared at him sadly, and Lovino pointedly looked away.

"…I hope I see you tomorrow," Feliks said.

Lovino watched him leave, and he slumped against the wall. It was the first person in years who decided to be nice to him, with the exception of his brothers. And he had probably chased him away. But he didn't care! He barely knew the kid, and if he hadn't been the new kid, then he would have let Lovino hang. And he would have been hailed as a hero.

Feliks would probably be telling everyone that Lovino had tried to commit suicide. And Lovino's grief would only increase. He would listen to more people calling him a failure for not being able to do the one thing they all wanted him to do.

He couldn't go to class. He didn't want to have to explain himself. And he didn't want to have anyone glaring at him, whether it was the teacher or his classmates.

There was only one place he could go to. And he didn't even want to go there. He didn't want to have to explain why he was crying. He didn't want anyone to see him like this. And the gates were locked.

He needed to wait until the school day officially ended before he got out. And then he would have to wait until he could be sure that no one would see him. About fifteen minutes was fine.

…

Feliks made his way over to his mother's car. She smiled when she saw him, and he returned the smile.

"Hi," she greeted when he opened the door. "How was the first day? Did you make any friends?"

"Maybe," he replied.

"And were the others nice to you?"

He paused. He thought about Lovino. Well, he was nice enough to show him to the library. But the rumours about him… And his reaction when Feliks saved him…

Why do you even bother? Give or take a few weeks, you'll be wishing me dead too.

Feliks swallowed nervously. The Lovino he saw and the Lovino he heard about… they seemed like two different people.

"Feliks?" his mother asked worriedly, snapping him to reality.

"Like, everyone was nice to me," he said.

She sighed.

"I thought we agreed to be honest with each other," she said.

"Like, I am," he said. "Everyone was nice to me. It's just… I saw a guy who needs a friend, but it doesn't look like he wants one."

"What do you mean?"

"He… He's in a bad place. I want to help him out, if he'll let me."

She sighed, before starting the car.

"It might be difficult," she said. "Sometimes, people don't want to be helped until it's too late."

Feliks pursed his lips. He knew what it was like. He also knew that there were many reasons. Feeling too proud. Feeling ashamed. Not thinking that they were worth help.

From his conversation with Lovino, it seemed as though he felt that he wasn't worth help. But Feliks had every intention of showing him that it wasn't the truth. He just needed to get close to Lovino.

…

Lovino waited fifteen minutes before he left the bathroom. The janitor had already started his rounds, and Lovino decided that it was a good time to leave.

Of course, the bus was long gone as well, but that was fine. He had no intention of being trapped in that box again that day. He also didn't want to be harassed by those three assholes. And he could use the walk.

The fact that they lived forty-five minutes away from the school actually worked to his advantage. He had a lot of steam to blow off.

As he was walking, he couldn't help but think about the incident. He had failed at suicide. Just like everything else. But he had hoped that this would be the one thing he could do. And it would be the one good thing that he could do for the rest of the world.

Out of all the times, why did someone need to go to that bathroom at that time? And it just so happened to be the person who's known him for the least amount of time, and thus the only person who would think to stop him. Part of him wanted to be angry at Feliks for stopping him, and the other wanted to continue crying into the chest of the first person to ever tell him that he didn't want him to die.

But that would change soon. Lovino knew from experience. Feliks would see that his brother was a lot better than Lovino and decide that he wanted to be friends with Feliciano instead. Or perhaps even Marcello, even though it was rare for kids of different grades to befriend each other at that school. And even if Feliks didn't decide to go with Feliciano, he would get sick of Lovino soon enough and decide that it would be in his best interests to push him away. Like many others.

Like Antonio once, and Francis, and now both of them were among is bullies.

Lovino knew that it was his fault that they had come to hate him. He knew that it was his very existence that filled people with so much hatred towards him. And he wasn't going to try to convince anyone otherwise. It never worked out. And he was tired of trying to convince everyone that he wasn't the scum of the earth. He had stopped believing that he wasn't a long time ago. He had tried keeping his distance so as to not give anyone a reason to be angry with him, but like everything else, he failed that too.

Lovino had accepted a long time ago that he was destined to be alone. He wasn't destined for friendship, and he especially wasn't destined for love. But even if he accepted it, it didn't stop the thought from being painful. He could feel his chest constricting, and his eyes stung with tears, but he refused to let them fall. He desperately blinked them away, and started steering his thoughts in a different direction.

He had failed suicide, just like he failed everything else. But unlike the other things, he was going to continue trying. Because he hated the fact that his entire purpose in life was to be hated. And if he could only die, then he would make his family happy as well.

He came to a sudden stop, turning to the right. It was a small cemetery, and it wasn't his destination, but he turned into it anyway. He walked the familiar path, until he arrived in front of a familiar headstone. He couldn't help the small, sad smile that painted itself on his face.

"Hi Mama," he said. "I don't know if you know, but… I almost joined you today. That is, if we're even destined for the same place. I don't think I deserve it. They'll kick me out. And I'm sure that, after what I did, you wouldn't want me there anyway."

Lovino sat down in front of the headstone, and he reached out to touch its warm surface, baked by the sun.

"But even if you don't want me there, I still want to see you one more time," Lovino said. "I miss you. And I'm sorry."

He saw that the hand touching the headstone was trembling. He knew that it wasn't due to his emotions. It always happened whenever he came to speak to his mother. It was the reason why his mother was dead. He clenched his hand into a fist and brought the fist to his lap.

"I guess you chose the right name for me," Lovino said bitterly. "But you should have kept it the way it was. I ruin everything."

He ruined his family. And he was still ruining it. Every day he was alive, he ruined things for his family. Even though his father hated him and his brothers kept their distance, he still loved them. He hated the fact that his existence was upsetting them. He knew that their lives would have been infinitely better if he had never been born.

He didn't know how long he'd been there, but eventually he decided to leave. He looked back one last time, before continuing on his way home, already anticipating the shitstorm that was waiting for him.

He was right.

"What the hell, Lovino?!"

His father hadn't wasted a second before he yelled at him. Lovino hadn't even had the chance to step into the house, only to open the door. His father stormed towards him, and Lovino closed the door before his father could feel embarrassed to have anyone else seeing this.

"The school called me," Romulus said. "You skipped the last period. What were you doing?"

"I was in the bathroom," Lovino said flatly. "Indigestion. There's a witness, if you don't believe me."

His father deflated just a little bit, but he still looked furious.

"And now?" he demanded. "Where were you? Why weren't you on the bus?"

"I went to visit Mama," Lovino said, averting his eyes.

That got his father to deflate a little more. He took a deep breath, before he stalked off.

"Go to your room and do your homework," Romulus said.

Lovino sighed in relief. It had gone better than anticipated. He knew that mentioning going to his mother's grave managed to calm Romulus down from whatever rage he was in. And Romulus knew that Lovino would never lie about it.

With the crisis averted, Lovino made his way towards his room. He didn't immediately start with his homework, and instead grabbed the book that he kept on the desk. He opened it to the page that he was busy with, and started writing.

Man, you look like shit.
No, he always looks like that.

You know, I feel sorry for Feli, to have someone like him for a twin.
I know. His parents should have thrown him in the trash as soon as he was born.

Why don't you just kill yourself? Do everyone a favour.

He'd always had a talent for remembering words. Words he'd read, and words he'd heard. The only way to get the words he'd heard out of his mind was to write them down. When his mother was alive, she was the one that suggested writing them down, and then burning the paper. But when she died, there was no one there to burn the paper for him. And instead of papers, it's become three books.

He supposed that it was unhealthy, but having them haunt his thoughts would be far less healthy than writing them down. And he supposed that a secret part of him was hoping that one of his family members would find it. Would see how many scars he had to bear. And if he actually succeeded in killing himself, they would have been the perfect suicide notes.

He sighed, before he went back to his bedside drawer. He needed to feel the blade in his skin to feel better.

…

Romulus was in his office, slumped behind the desk. He was worried about Lovino. He knew that the other only went to visit Chiara's grave when something was bothering him.

Lovino didn't know that he knew, and Romulus wasn't going to mention it to him. He was trying very hard not to push his son away. And he knew that Lovino wouldn't be too happy to hear that Romulus knew that about him.

He could still remember how it had been after his wife's death. Lovino had grown more aggressive, and more withdrawn. That was when the fights started. And then one day, Lovino disappeared. Romulus had gone looking for him, fear and worry fuelling him. He finally had the idea to search in the cemetery, and sure enough, he found Lovino next to his wife's grave, hugging the headstone. Fear and worry were replaced by anger and relief, and as he had stalked closer towards Lovino, he started to hear what the other was saying to the headstone. And fear and sorrow replaced anger and relief.

"Please, take me with you! I don't want to stay here. I want to be dead too. I want to be with you. Please, Mama, I'm sorry!"

It was heart-breaking to hear a six-year-old begging for death like that. And Romulus couldn't help but think that he was partially to blame for Lovino's words. Because these weren't the words that belonged to a child that couldn't understand why his mother wasn't coming home. These were the words of someone that genuinely wanted to die. Lovino understood everything that it entailed, and he begged for death.

Romulus had never felt so guilty in his life. His son was in pain, and he ignored it in favour of his own.

It wasn't very easy to convince Lovino to come home, but he managed it. Neither of them spoke about what had happened in the cemetery, and the two of them had grown more distant. And then the trouble started. Teachers calling him in because of Lovino's bad behaviour. Lovino picking fights. At first, he tried to justify his behaviour by saying that he was still traumatised by his mother's death, but as the years went by and Lovino's behaviour worsened, he knew that he couldn't use that excuse anymore.

He just didn't know what to do with that boy.

…

Lovino's homework was decided by the throw of a die. He already knew that he wouldn't do everything, and he wanted to have at least something done. Though, he didn't know why he even bothered. If he didn't do it, then he'd get scolded, and if he did it, then everything would be wrong and he would be called stupid to boot.

He honestly didn't know why he even tried.

He knew that he needed to make another attempt soon. His patience with everything was waning. And the scars on his heart were too painful to bear. He only had to think of a way to end it.

His hand automatically made its way to his neck. He winced when he felt how tender the skin was. Well, hanging was out. He needed to think of another way.

Well, slitting his wrists was his last resort. Considering how fast he stopped bleeding, he doubted that this would be a good method for him. Perhaps he could jump in the nearby river. Or from the school building. Or he could swallow a bottle of pills. And hopefully, he wouldn't fail this time.

…

When Feliks entered his English Literature class, his eyes immediately fell on Lovino. He already managed to deduce that Lovino wasn't in his homeroom, and this was probably the first class he shared with Lovino. Or, at least the first where he noticed Lovino.

Feliks swallowed his nerve, before he went to sit down next to Lovino.

"Like, hi," he greeted.

Lovino tensed, before he turned towards Feliks. The Pole tried not to flinch when he saw the glare on the other's face.

"What do you want, bastard?" Lovino snarled.

Feliks nervously licked his lips.

"Like, I thought I'd sit here, unless someone else already does?" he said, before the statement turned into a question.

"Why?" Lovino demanded.

"Like, why not? So, does anyone sit here?"

Lovino snorted, and the silent message was clear, as though it was being shouted. No, no one sits next to me.

Feliks was determined to become Lovino's friend. Even if the other didn't want it. Because Feliks could see that Lovino needed help, and he wasn't going to have a repeat of the previous day's events.

Normally, Feliks would have shied away from someone as hostile as Lovino, but he felt that the hostility towards him was warranted. After all, Feliks had caught Lovino in a very vulnerable position. He just hoped that he wasn't in that same position again.