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Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

Chapter 9

Lovino sighed, walking out of the school's gate. He felt bad about what he told Feliks, but he knew that it was necessary. Feliks hadn't known him long yet, so he didn't feel attached to him yet. It was best to end it as soon as possible. He knew that Feliks would end up hating him, but the sooner he pushed him away, the less Feliks would end up hating him in the end. He wouldn't develop a grudge, like Antonio and Francis did.

He and Feliks had continued to work in silence, not exchanging a word for the rest of their lunch break. And Lovino knew that he was to blame. It was strange. He was used to people hating him, or being scared of him. But it never bothered him this much before.

It was bad enough that he decided that it would be better to walk. He needed to get rid of his stress, and walking for forty-five minutes would be one way to do so.

He'd only walked about two blocks when he was suddenly pulled back, dragged into an alley. He wrenched himself free, but he lost his footing, with his ankle going sideways. He yelped in pain as he fell to the ground, and the three snickered in amusement.

"Clumsy old Lovi," Gilbert said.

Lovino tried to stand, but a hiss of pain was drawn from his mouth as he was forced to conclude that his ankle was sprained.

At the worst possible time.

"Boys, let's remind Lovi where his place is," Gilbert said.

…

Feliks was waiting to be called into Dr Williams's office, and he was trying to figure out what to tell the therapist.

He knew that Lovino didn't mean what he said, but still, it hurt. He had to hold his tongue, though. He wasn't that good with figuring out other people, and what they might be feeling, unless it was something that Feliks had personal experience with. He knew that he needed to speak to Dr Williams before he said anything to Lovino.

He took a deep breath when he was called in, and nervously made his way towards the office. As soon as he sat down, he saw Matthew's face grow concerned.

"What happened?" Matthew asked.

Feliks bit his lip, before he shook his head.

"Like, it's Lovino," Feliks said.

"The boy you want to befriend," Matthew said, nodding his head. "What happened?"

"Like, he told me that I should stay away from him if I knew what's good for me," Feliks said. "And… He said he's no one's emotional crutch. He told me that I should have gone to his brother. That he's the last person on the planet that I would want to associate with. And that I don't really want to be his friend. Also… some of the others – like, the boys I saw bullying him – told me to stay away from him, and that I would be the one that's hurt. And, like, Lovino let slip that they said something to him too."

Matthew sighed, shaking his head.

"It sounds like he has a classic case of low self-esteem and self-worth," Matthew said. "As for the things he said… I think you caught him on a bad day. You remember what you were like. Some days were better, some were worse."

Feliks nodded his head.

"Like, I wanted to ask you about a few things," Feliks said. "Like, I spoke to his brother. He told me some things. Like, Lovino doesn't like it if his brother hugs him. And, like, when I found him after he tried to kill himself, he tried to push me away first, then he let me hug him, and when he was done crying he pulled away. Like, do you know what it could like mean?"

"He's afraid of reaching out," Matthew said. "He must be so unused to being comforted that it's a strange concept for him. But when he needed it and it was provided, he clung to it in desperation."

"Like, Feliciano also said that Lovino especially hates it if he's hugged from behind."

"…You said he's bullied, right? If it's physical, then it's not too hard to imagine that he was held back by one of the bullies while the others assaulted him. He's associating the hug from behind with his attacks, and it causes him to lash out."

"Like, I also heard that his mother died," Feliks said. "Almost ten years ago. And, like, it's the anniversary next week. It was a car accident, and Lovino was in the car with her. He was closer to her than the other two brothers, and he like fights with his dad the whole time."

Matthew nodded, as though he understood what it all meant.

"There's a strong possibility that he's suffering from survivor's guilt," Matthew said. "The fact that the anniversary is approaching means that Lovino would become more difficult to deal with. You just need to have patience with him. The same way your parents were patient with you when you came out of the hospital."

Feliks blushed in embarrassment. He could remember it well. How he would sometimes throw what could be considered temper tantrums. How he blamed his parents for not letting him die. The same way Lovino was probably blaming Feliks right now.

"Like, everyone's telling me that Lovino bullies everyone that tried to be his friend," Feliks said. "But I don't think it's true. The only time he's harsh with me is when he's telling me to stay away. He said that he was the last person on the planet that anyone would want anything to do with."

Matthew pursed his lips.

"In that case," he said, "I think that he feels that he doesn't deserve your friendship. Everyone's told him that he was the reason why his former friendships failed. However, without knowing his personal experiences, I can't really say for sure."

"I just wish that I could show them all how wrong they are," Feliks said.

"Unfortunately, it's never as simple as that. But know that this is a very brave thing you're doing. Someone who's suffered an emotional wound won't open their hearts easily. All you need is patience. I wonder if some of his friendships failed due to a lack of patience."

"And, like, there's something else I know isn't true about him. Like, everyone's telling me about how lazy he is, and that I shouldn't have picked him to be my history partner. But, like, he's done way more than I did. Like, I'm totally worried that he'd think I'm lazy."

Matthew smiled.

"Is he putting you through your paces?" he asked.

"Tak," Feliks said. "Also, he's not being bossy. Like, he took the lead, but he doesn't order me around. Like, he reads faster than me, and it like looks like he can write faster than me too. Also, he totally has a better handwriting than mine."

"It seems he's used to working alone. But if that's the case, how could anyone believe he's lazy? Unless he decided that it's not worth the effort. It's unfortunately one of the symptoms of depression: a decline in work performance."

"Oh, and, like, Feliciano told me that he's been sleeping more than usual lately."

"That's another symptom: a change in sleeping patterns. Do you know anything about his eating habits?"

"Like, I know he doesn't eat lunch. I don't know about breakfast and dinner."

"Alright… Tell me, when's the next time you're working on the project?"

"Like, we're supposed to go to his house tomorrow."

"Alright. Then I want you to pay close attention to how he is at home. I also want you to give him this."

Matthew rifled through one of his drawers for a moment, before handing a piece of paper over to Feliks. A brief glance told him that it was a questionnaire, and that it appeared to be about determining if someone was suffering from depression.

"Based on what you've told me, I've no doubt that your friend might be depressed," Matthew said. "But perhaps, when he sees something like this telling him, he might be motivated to seek out proper help. After all, no matter how much you try to be his friend, there's only so much you can do."

Feliks nodded his head. He understood very well, given that he had been in the same position. In fact, he was still getting help for his own depression. He knew that it wasn't as simple as just making friends.

"Alright," Matthew said. "If there's nothing else, then why don't you tell me how you're doing?"

…

Lovino was limping home, feeling as though his ankle was on fire. But that wasn't all. His torso and arms felt bruised, and he had been lucky to avoid any strikes to his face. The back of his head hadn't been so lucky. Perhaps, since he didn't have any evidence on his face, his father wouldn't assume that he had gotten into a fight.

He sighed in relief when he saw the front door, and quickly took out his key. As soon as he stepped inside, he realised that his father wasn't home. He couldn't help the small smile that spread across his face.

As he ascended to his room, he thought of taking a bath. A nice, hot bath to soak his sore body. It sounded nice. It would be relaxing, and it would help drive some of the pain away.

He quickly went to his room to grab some fresh clothes, as well as a bottle he kept hidden in his bedside cabinet. It was probably the least suspicious thing he kept there, and was something he didn't use to hurt himself. It was a bottle of bubble bath; specifically, it was formulated to help relieve sore and tense muscles. He kept it there to use for emergencies, such as this.

As he grabbed the bottle, his eyes lingered on the knife he kept there. He hesitated for a moment, before deciding that he had enough pain to distract him for now. He did, however, write down all of the verbal abuse he'd suffered from during the day, before heading to the bathroom.

While undressing, he couldn't help but stare at the new bruises. There was also some blood around the places where he had been struck which overlapped with one of his newer cuts. And when he saw how swollen his ankle was, he winced. He would need to treat that as soon as possible. It was starting to look a bit purple as well.

Lovino lay down in the tub, staring at the ceiling. The warm water wrapped around him, like a hug he would never receive. Like the hug he received from Feliks.

Tears stung his eyes as he once again thought about the Pole, but he knew that he needed to keep Feliks away from him. Feliks was wasting his time with trash like him. He could do better. Should do better.

He also thought of Feliciano. The idiot still tried to give him hugs, no matter how often Lovino would push him away. Why did the hug from Feliks feel different than the hugs from Feliciano? Could it be because Feliks was actually trying to comfort him?

And Feliciano's hugs… Lovino felt insanely nervous whenever it happened. Whenever Feliciano wrapped his arms around him, he imagined Francis, Gilbert or Antonio, holding him motionless while the other two allowed their fists to collide with his torso. And Feliciano was the only one that tried to hug him. No one else did.

As Lovino thought about his sad existence, he wondered what would happen if he decided to drown himself, then and there. Would his father or one of his brothers find him? How would they feel? His father would probably be mad at Lovino for traumatising his sons, but Lovino wouldn't be able to care. He would be free. He might be able to see his mother again, if that were possible. If it was simply a place where departed souls went, he might be able to join her. But if heaven and hell existed, then he knew that he wouldn't be joining his mother in heaven, for he would be on his way to hell. Would it be Dante's hell, or Sartre's hell? According to Dante, he would be turned into a tree, unable to utter a sound unless the harpies tore his limbs. And according to Sartre, hell was other people. In other words, it was Lovino's life.

He hoped that Dante was the one that was correct.

Lovino closed his eyes, before he sank underneath the surface. His mouth was closed, and he quickly moved to cross his arms across his chest, before he opened his mouth.

Water immediately poured down his throat, and he tried his best not to swallow. He needed to get the water into his lungs. He also gripped his arms tight, trying to stop himself from pushing upwards. Out of the water. The bath was slippery, and there was no way he would be able to breech the surface without using his hands.

His lungs started burning, and he had to fight to hold his body down. His mind and his body weren't on the same page, and he needed to make sure that his mind won.

But then, fresh air entered his lungs.

Lovino was coughing and sputtering, and it took him a few moments to realise what had happened. His eyes had been closed, so he didn't notice that he was losing consciousness. That his hands had moved to the grips on the side of the tub. And he didn't realise that he was pulling himself up until he wasn't drowning anymore.

When he realised that his body had moved on its own, he bit back a scream of frustration. His mind and heart wanted to die, but his body refused. His body was a traitor.

He was thinking about trying again, before he heard the front door open. He froze, before his eyes travelled across the room. He had caused quite a splash. If he attempted again, then the others would hear. They would try to stop him. They would be so cruel.

Lovino leaned back against the back of the tub, his heart thundering in his chest. He had failed yet again, but this time, he knew that he had been close. He should try drowning again, but he needed to do it in a way that his body wouldn't interfere.

He jumped when someone knocked on the door.

"Lovino, are you in there?" his father asked.

"Si," Lovino said. "I'm just taking a bath."

"It's early."

"Best to do it when I have the time."

"Alright. Don't take too long, and clean the tub when you're done."

Lovino waited for his father to walk away, and he sighed in relief. It was one of the few times they spoke without biting words. Without Romulus yelling at Lovino.

As he decided to do what one was actually supposed to do in a bathtub, he couldn't help but wonder if the reason why he failed was because he didn't put a lot of thought into it. He was too spontaneous. But then again, wasn't death usually spontaneous?

'Not if you want to die,' Lovino thought to himself.

Perhaps he should put more thought into it. Perhaps his poor planning was the reason why he couldn't escape from the hell that was his life. Perhaps, he needed to show the universe that he was serious about death by making better plans.

Then again, when did Lovino's plans ever work?

…

Feliciano was biting the back of the pen as he stared at the equations in front of him.

"Do you need help?" Romulus asked, passing by.

"No, I'll manage," Feliciano said, smiling at his father.

"Well, at least you actually try to do this. Unlike your brother."

Feliciano frowned, before turning to his father.

"Papa, why are you so hard on Lovi?" Feliciano asked.

Romulus sighed, before ruffling Feliciano's hair.

"He doesn't give me any other choice," he said. "I just want to do what's best for him, but he throws it all in my face. I just don't know where I went wrong with him. You and Cello turned out wonderful."

Feliciano frowned, instead of beaming at the praise as he normally would have. Something about what his father said bothered him, but he wasn't sure what it was. After thinking about it for a while, he decided to turn his attention back to his homework.

He always did his homework in the dining room, in the hopes that Lovino would one day decide to join him. But Lovino kept to his room. Still, Feliciano held out that hope. It was one of the only ways he could think of to spend some time with his brother.

…

Lovino tried to do his homework, but his focus was worse than usual. He tried to roll the die, but he kept rolling and rolling, trying to find a subject that he might be willing to do. Eventually, he gave up, and he limped towards the bookshelf.

He'd already read all of the books, but perhaps he could revisit one of them. His eyes skimmed over the books, most of them he knew without looking at the titles. Some he had to double check, though.

He finally settled on The Hobbit, and he moved back towards his bed. However, he could only read a few pages before frustration set in. He was struggling to focus. He had to repeat the same sentence three times because he forgot what he was reading.

He set the book down, tears stinging his eyes. His eyes automatically trailed to where his knife was stored. His body wasn't in as much pain as it had been earlier. And he needed something to work out his current frustrations.

I think I failed epically with the attempted drowning scene. Lovino isn't thinking clearly, and acted on impulse.

Oh yeah, I've been meaning to speak about the way the school works. I know from personal experience that schools in different countries would often be different from each other, and I'm also trying to keep the country ambiguous. Lovino and Feliciano are in eleventh grade, while Marcello is in tenth. All three have been in the school for a few years. I've based this on the South African school system, which loses middle school and has primary/elementary school grade 1-7, and high school grade 8-12. To account for them being sixteen instead of seventeen in eleventh grade, I've based the school year on the northern hemisphere's, which starts around September, instead of the southern hemisphere's which starts in January/February. The month is also ambiguous, but it's before the twins' birthday. In terms of season, I'd say it's either spring or autumn.