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Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

Chapter 21

Words could not describe how guilty Romulus was feeling at the moment. He would have dismissed Lovino's words as attention-seeking, or that he was lying. But… there was a note of familiarity. As he said it, a picture of the six-year-old Lovino popped in his mind, holding a book. And he could see the child's face fall. He remembered the almost scared look that Lovino had given him when he fetched him from the cemetery. It suddenly made sense. Lovino was scared of what he would do. He was scared… because Romulus had essentially told him that he'd wished he was dead.

And the part about Romulus turning Chiara into a liar… About her trying to convince Lovino that Romulus didn't hate him… It reminded him of the last serious conversation he'd had with his wife.

"You need to spend more time with Lovino."

Romulus looked up from his book to look at his wife, who was sitting at the vanity table and brushing her hair.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Lovino's under the impression that you hate him," Chiara said, turning to face him. "You always spend time with Feliciano or Marcello. When was the last time you made time for Lovino?"

Romulus grew silent. When was the last time he spent time with his eldest son? He felt guilty when he realised that he couldn't provide an answer to the question.

"You have that doctor's appointment tomorrow, right?" Romulus asked.

Chiara nodded her head.

"Then, why don't I take Lovino out for ice-cream when you're finished?" Romulus suggested. "Just the two of us?"

Chiara smiled.

"That sounds like a good start," she said.

"Do you mind keeping it as a surprise?" Romulus asked.

"Of course."

He realised with a start that he'd never taken Lovino for that ice-cream. Ever. There was the accident. Lovino being in the hospital, and Chiara dying. A funeral to arrange. Romulus trying to cope without his wife. Lovino's behavioural…

Hold on. How many of Lovino's problems were actually his problems? He would often get into fights, even at such a young age. But how many of those were fights, and how many of those were Lovino being bullied? Did the bullying really go back that far?

Lovino gave him an incredulous look in response to his question regarding the bullying.

"I did," Lovino said. "Three times directly, and one time indirectly. The indirect one was me asking if I should make friends with the cranky kid in class that everyone picks on. You told me that someone like that has a bad attitude, and that there's a reason why everyone picks on him, and that he's not worth my friendship. I was the kid, and you basically told me that everyone picked on me for a good reason, and that I wasn't worth friendship. I was nine."

Romulus actually felt nauseous when he heard that, and he was aware of the glare that Marcello shot him.

"The first time I tried the direct approach was when I was eleven," Lovino continued. "You told me that I'm looking for sympathy, and that I don't want to accept responsibility for the way I treat other people. That I should expect to be treated the same way I treat them. I tried to stay away from the others. That's what I'm still trying to do."

Romulus flinched at those words.

"The second time was when I was twelve," Lovino continued. "You told me to stop playing the victim. That I'm the one who's the bully. And the last time was when I was thirteen. You told me that I needed to get a reality check. That it might do me good to have others give me a taste of my own medicine, then maybe my ego could shrink down to a decent size, and that it might just be what I need to learn my place."

Romulus shrank back as he heard those words. His son was watching him with angry tears in his eyes.

"And do you know what the worst part was about that last one?" Lovino asked. "After that conversation was the first time I cut myself." He looked down at his left arm. "I wasn't even wearing a long-sleeved shirt. My arms were clear to see, but you didn't see anything. None of you did. I had about ten scars on both my arms, but none of you saw anything. Feliciano got a papercut, and everyone was focused on that."

Feliciano shrank back at that. Romulus wanted to scold Lovino for causing that, but he couldn't find it in himself to do so. Looking at Lovino's arms reminded him that it was a bad idea to interrupt him. And he also realised that it wasn't a direct attack against Feliciano. It was an attack against Romulus. One that he deserved. And Lovino was right. Romulus often noticed when Marcello or Feliciano got injured, but… Lovino was injured so often that he stopped noticing. It was something that he should have noticed.

"F-fratello," Feliciano said meekly. "Did… Did I do something to hurt you?"

Lovino turned his gaze to Feliciano, and the expression was still angry.

"Asides from telling the three assholes what my name means," Lovino said, "and thinking that they're nice people, you did absolutely fucking nothing. Nothing at all. You did nothing about those rumours – those lies. You didn't even try to defend me. You didn't do anything when you saw those three would harass me. And you'd tell padre that I got into fights. You listen to the stories everyone else tells about me instead of asking me about what happened. You let them hurt me!"

Feliciano shrank back, and Marcello looked uncomfortable.

"…I did that too," Marcello whispered. "Fratellone, I'm really sorry about it. And about… being afraid of you."

Lovino turned his gaze to Marcello, and though his expression softened a bit, it was still harsh.

"They used your fear against me," he said quietly. "They used it as proof that I'm 'bullying' you. They used it to make people hate me even more."

Marcello flinched when he heard that.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I… I can't even remember why… But, I know it's no excuse."

Lovino just sighed and leaned back on the pillows. Romulus could see that Lovino was getting tired. And how tiring would the release of this emotional weight be?

"…Vino?"

They were all startled by the voice calling out from the doorway, and as a unit, they turned to the speaker. Romulus easily recognised Feliks, looking a bit pale, but eyes fixed on Lovino.

"Feliks?" Lovino asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Like, my dad's your doctor," Feliks explained, before he took a step inside the room. "I thought you were doing better. Like, I hoped that you were doing better."

Romulus turned back to his son, seeing that the younger Italian had averted his eyes.

"I told you that you were just wasting your time," he muttered.

"Like, if you succeeded, then I would have," Feliks exclaimed, stalking closer. Romulus and his other sons stood from their chairs and moved aside. "If you succeeded, then I would have totally wasted my time," he repeated. "And, like, my dad would have wasted his money."

Romulus felt the instinct to scold his son, except now wasn't the time, and Lovino looked confused.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"Like, I was going to tell you at school today, but, like, I got sick, so I couldn't," Feliks explained. "Like, there's a production of A Midsummer Night's Dream in a few weeks, and, like, I asked my parents to get us tickets."

"I actually have to thank you for that one."

Romulus turned to the doorway again to see Feliks's parents standing there. Feliks's mother was the one that spoke.

"What?" Lovino asked, completely baffled.

"You managed to get my son interested in Shakespeare," Feliks's mother explained, walking closer. "How are you feeling?"

"Like crap," Lovino said deadpan.

Romulus opened his mouth, but Feliks's mother only giggled when she heard Lovino swear.

"I guess that's a good description," she said, her eyes scanning his figure, and her smile falling. "I guess it's safe to say that you wouldn't be coming for dinner tomorrow."

Lovino flinched when he heard that, and he turned away again.

The rattling of the handcuff caught Romulus's attention, and he turned his gaze to the cuff. Lovino's arm was shaking, and he wondered what his son was thinking with the movement.

"You like Shakespeare?" Romulus asked.

"Si," Feliciano supplied, turning to his father. "Ve, Lovi likes it if…"

"Don't call me that!" Lovino snapped.

The rattling seemed to get louder.

"Why?" Romulus asked. "What do you have against that nickname?"

"Because it's what they call me when they're…" Lovino started, before cutting himself off.

Romulus widened his eyes in realisation. Lovino came to associate the nickname with impending pain and torment. What was meant to be an affectionate nickname turned into a beacon of torture.

There was an awkward silence as everyone absorbed the information, with the rattling of the handcuff the only sound.

"Sorry," Feliciano said meekly.

"Excuse me," the doctor said, walking closer. "Hello, Lovino. I'm Doctor Fryderyk Łukasiewicz. Do you mind if I do a quick check?"

Lovino looked at the doctor timidly, but nodded his head. Fryderyk shone a light in Lovino's eyes, and the fact that Lovino didn't flinch from the light told Romulus that something was wrong.

There was also the rattling. Romulus wanted to tell Lovino to stop, but…

"Is it the first time that this has happened?" the doctor asked.

Lovino looked confused for a moment, and the doctor lightly touched his shoulder. That was when Romulus noticed that both shoulders were shaking as well. And the arm with the cast… he could tell that Lovino was trying to hold it still, but there were still little vibrations. Lovino shook his head, and the doctor turned to Romulus.

"Does he have a medical condition I should know about?" he asked.

Romulus didn't know how to answer. Lovino was never diagnosed with something, but…

"H-he had a seizure the other day," Marcello supplied weakly.

Romulus whipped his attention back to his youngest son. A seizure?!

"Why wasn't I informed of this?" he demanded, his worry shining through.

Marcello flinched.

"Lovino didn't want me to tell you," he said. "He said… that it's what killed Mama."

Romulus froze. He slowly turned to Lovino with wide eyes, and he could see that his son was avoiding his gaze. The shaking had evolved into full-on jerking.

"The day of the accident," Romulus said quietly. "You were on your way to the hospital… to get some tests done…"

And with the accident and everything, it never came up. Had Lovino been suffering from something serious for ten years, and Romulus never noticed?

"I don't think it's epilepsy…" the doctor muttered. "Still, I'd like to run some tests now. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow."

Romulus nodded his head, before looking at his son one more time. Even though Lovino was looking away, he could see that tears were carving their paths down his cheeks. How long had it been since he last saw Lovino cry?

But just because he hadn't seen Lovino cry didn't mean that he didn't cry.

"We'll come by again tomorrow," Romulus said, before guiding his other two sons out.

"Marcello," Lovino suddenly called out, and they paused. "Green."

Marcello blinked in confusion, before something seemed to click. He smiled and nodded, before they left the room. Feliks and his mother followed, and Romulus turned to them.

"Thank you," he said softly. "You've helped my son more than I did."

Feliks shrank back, and his mother pursed her lips.

"The next few weeks will be very difficult," she said, wrapping an arm around her son. "His self-esteem is very low, and he doesn't see the value in himself. You need to show him that he's loved. Whatever you do, do not let things go back to normal. You need to create a new normal, or else next time you'll be visiting him in the morgue."

Romulus's throat tightened when he heard those words. He knew that it was the truth. If things didn't change, then Lovino could try again. And next time, he might be successful.

"Thanks for the warning," he said quietly.

She nodded curtly, before leading Feliks away. Romulus turned to his other two sons.

"What do you say we stop for pizza before we go home?" he suggested.

Feliciano bit his lip and nodded, while Marcello didn't react at all. Romulus understood that Marcello was angry at him, and for good reason. Marcello was aware of what Lovino was going through, and had seen how Romulus only made things worse. The events of that very afternoon immediately came to mind.

They didn't say anything as they made their way to the exit.

Romulus drove towards a pizzeria that they occasionally went to. The owner was also Italian, so they knew that the food's quality was on par. The only reason why they didn't frequent it more often was because Feliciano and Romulus enjoyed cooking too much. But neither was in the mood that night.

They placed their orders and waited. None of them knew what to say to each other. All of them were thinking of the family member they'd left behind at the hospital. A day before the anniversary of another family member's death.

"Is everything okay?"

They looked up to see the owner. It wasn't too unusual for him to come to check on his patrons, so Romulus only nodded his head.

"Si," he said. "We're fine."

Unlike usual, the man didn't immediately leave, but hesitated.

"…Where's Lovino?" he asked.

Romulus was startled. They didn't come often enough for the staff to know their names.

"H-how do you know Lovino?" he asked.

A complicated expression rose on the man's face.

"He comes here occasionally," the man said. "But he hasn't been here for a month. Is he alright?"

Romulus couldn't say anything. He didn't know what to say.

"Lovino is in the hospital," Feliciano said. "He… He tried to kill himself."

Romulus winced when Feliciano said it. It was a bit unnecessary, and the restaurant owner widened his eyes with a gasp. Romulus looked away, and he noticed that the rest of the staff were also looking in their direction, and they all looked horrified.

"…I guess that's why he wasn't interested in the job," the owner said.

"What do you mean?" Romulus asked.

"A few months ago, I offered him a part-time job as a waiter. He wasn't interested. He said that he didn't want to disappoint me. But he failed?"

Romulus nodded his head. There was a collective sigh of relief around the restaurant.

"Eating the hospital's food would be too cruel," the owner said. "You're visiting him tomorrow, si? Why don't you come by and I'll prepare a pizza for him? His favourite, free of charge."

Romulus was shocked, but he nodded his head. He didn't even know what his son's favourite pizza was.

As soon as the owner left, the three of them lapsed into silence. It would seem that this day was dedicated to showing that Romulus was a horrible father. He could list off just about anything of his younger two sons, and he hoped that they weren't keeping any secrets from him. But he could say nothing of his eldest son. Not even something as simple as the boy's favourite colour.

Romulus had always apologised for Lovino. He had often said that he didn't know what went wrong. Now he knew. He knew that he was the reason why it went wrong. Because he wasn't there for his son. Because he always believed the words of other people, instead of his son's words. Because he never bothered to get to know Lovino. Because he made his son believe that he hated him.

None of them said anything to each other, not even when they returned home. Feliciano and Marcello went their separate ways, and Romulus hesitated at the front door. He was trying to decide what to do.

He finally decided on a course, and made his way to his office. He closed the door behind him, before going to the shelves against the wall. At the top shelf were three boxes, one for each of his sons. He retrieved Lovino's box and immediately felt a jolt.

It was very light.

He opened the box, and his suspicions were confirmed. There was little in the box. These were meant to be a record of Lovino's childhood. And there was almost nothing in it.

Romulus's hand trembled as he removed one of the objects inside. It was a photo of Chiara holding a baby Lovino. He knew that there was a matching one with Feliciano in the younger twin's own box. Chiara was the one that insisted on keeping the boxes, and having a record of how the boys grew up. And she insisted on starting at their tiniest.

There was also one with Romulus, and a few more for the following years. But then they just… stopped. It became clear to him that they hadn't continued the tradition after Lovino turned six.

But the tradition had continued with Marcello and Feliciano.

There were a few other things, mostly related to when Lovino was a baby. And there was a letter. Romulus picked it up, and he recognised it as a letter from their kindergarten teacher.

Lovino is such a gentleman. He's shy and timid, but he doesn't let the others bully him. He's also very kind to girls. I know that he will grow up to be quite a popular boy. He's also quite smart. He seems especially skilled with languages.

There was more, but this passage struck him. He doesn't let the others bully him. But others had. Romulus himself had allowed it to happen.