Thanks to Carina Sicily and schwalzy for reviewing.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

Chapter 29

Feliciano ran towards Lovino's room. The psychiatrist's words… It hurt him, because it hurt Lovino. He had been used to hurt Lovino. He was always upset about Lovino not wanting to share their birthday together, and their father would often scold Lovino for being 'selfish'. But Lovino had almost been killed on their birthday, the one day when he was supposed to be celebrated, and…

Lovino should hate him. Why didn't Lovino say anything about it, when Feliciano asked him what he had done to hurt him? When he told Feliciano that the thing he did wrong was nothing. He did nothing to help or protect his brother.

He could actually remember that birthday, now that he thought about it. And he felt himself growing sick when he realised just how stupid he was for not seeing the problem back then.

Feliciano went into the bathroom, which also served as the changing room. There, with his back turned to him, he could see Lovino, his shoulders trembling and sniffles escaping. It looked as though Lovino was putting on his shoes.

"What's wrong, fratello?" Feliciano asked. "Why are you dressed?"

Lovino flinched, and he quickly wiped his face before he turned to face Feliciano.

"I'm leaving," he said. "I'm going to visit Mama."

"Huh?" Feliciano asked. "But… What about the party?"

"No one wants me here. I'd rather go to the only person that liked me."

"But… Mama's dead, Lovi."

"I know that. And don't call me 'Lovi'! I hate that nickname."

"But… Don't you want cake?"

Lovino shook his head, before he grabbed his bag. He stormed past Feliciano, who grabbed his arm.

"Don't touch me!" Lovino snapped, turning around to face Feliciano. "Just leave me alone!"

Feliciano recoiled, and Lovino averted his gaze.

"Happy birthday," Lovino said, before he walked out.

Feliciano remembered being upset for a while, and everyone tried to make him feel better. Everyone told him that he shouldn't listen to anything Lovino said, and that it was his loss. And Lovino would get into trouble for not wanting to attend their birthday parties that followed.

But now Feliciano knew better. Lovino had almost been killed, and no one cared. And if everyone tried to comfort Feliciano, and told him that Lovino was the one at fault… then what did they tell Lovino? Did they use it as a way to hurt him?

Feliciano shuddered when he realised that Lovino must have received the opposite of the words that he received. He knew that their father had called Lovino selfish, childish and entitled. But Lovino was afraid. He was afraid that someone would attack him again. And he was hurt by the fact that people acted as though it wasn't his birthday too. That they only cared about Feliciano.

And Feliciano did nothing. He didn't really try to reach out. He was hurt, but he never tried to see what Lovino wanted. He never tried to find out what Lovino was feeling.

Feliciano was the selfish one.

He recalled how Gilbert, Francis and Antonio spoke about Lovino the previous day. How they had casually said all those horrible things, and also how they had casually inserted Feliciano and Marcello in their conversation. How many times had they done it with Lovino present? What did they say? Was Feliciano a tool they used to hurt his brother?

Feliciano stopped at Lovino's door, seeing his twin brother sitting in the bed with a pen in his hand and a notepad in front of him. Feliciano only allowed a second to take in the scene, before he ran up to his brother. Lovino looked up just in time before Feliciano threw his arms around him in a tight hug.

"Gah!" Lovino cried out in pain. "Feli, broken ribs!"

Feliciano gasped when he realised he was hurting his brother, and he quickly released him. Lovino winced, rubbing his ribcage with his uninjured hand.

"I'm so sorry!" Feliciano exclaimed. "I can't stop hurting you, can I?"

"What are you talking about?" Lovino asked.

"The therapist told us about our tenth birthday. Fratello, why didn't you tell me?"

Lovino flinched, and he averted his eyes.

"…I didn't want to ruin your birthday," he said.

"It was our birthday," Feliciano said. "And they ruined it for you. Fratello, you are not an embarrassment. Don't listen to them."

Lovino clenched his eyes shut, and Feliciano could tell that his brother was trying hard not to cry. Feliciano reached out his hand, but stopped, unsure if it was safe to touch his brother. First of all, Lovino might reject the contact, as he had done many times before. Second, he might hurt his brother again.

"Fratello, why don't you hate me?" Feliciano asked.

"What?" Lovino asked shakily, opening his eyes and turning to him. "Why should I hate you?"

"Because… They used me to hurt you. It's not the only time it happened, is it?"

Lovino flinched, averting his gaze. That was all the confirmation that Feliciano needed.

"Fratello, what did they tell you?" Feliciano asked. He needed to know.

"…I wrote down all of the bad things people tell me," Lovino admitted. "They're in books I left on my desk… But I know that padre read them, so I don't know if they're still there. If you really want to know… You'll find it in those books."

Feliciano's eyes had grown wide when he heard about those books.

"Why would you write something like that?" he asked. "Why would you do that to yourself?"

"…Because it was originally Mama's idea," Lovino admitted. "If someone said something mean to you, write it down on a piece of paper, and burn the paper. She would always burn the papers I gave her. But when she died… no one to burn the papers. And if I don't write them down… then they stay in my head. All of those voices telling me that I should die or that no one wants me or that I'm a complete waste of space or that I'm not good at anything… Even if they're right, I don't want to hear it the whole time."

"But they're not right. If you were supposed to die, then you would have died in the accident. Cello, Feliks, me… We all want you, fratello. You're not a waste of space. And about being good at anything… Lovino, you're smarter than me, you work harder than me, and you're definitely a better judge of character than me. So, there are things you're at least better at than me. And if you're trying to find something you're good at… You haven't tried everything, have you? How can you say that you're not good at anything if you didn't try everything? You need to find out what you're good at. Do you understand?"

Lovino was staring at him, as though he couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. There were tears in his eyes, and Feliciano knew that his own tears were carving a path down his cheeks. Carefully, he reached out to hug his brother again, feeling a small hint of triumph at the fact that Lovino didn't push him away this time. Instead, Lovino leaned closer, crying into Feliciano's chest. The younger twin rubbed his elder's back, wondering how he could have been so blind for so long.

…

Romulus and Marcello had followed after Feliciano, knowing where he was going. Both of them realised that Feliciano would feel guilty about what they'd heard. But not as guilty as Romulus.

He felt nauseous, learning the circumstances surrounding the birthday party that Lovino had decided to abandon. Because it wasn't his party. And it had been made clear to him that he wasn't wanted. The one day when he was supposed to feel special… and he received the worst treatment.

He couldn't think of how those other three children could have thought that drowning someone – murdering someone – would have been a good idea. And how didn't their consciences bother them? Did they even have a conscience?

"Do you understand now?" Marcello asked quietly, not even looking at Romulus. "You hurt Lovino without thinking about it. You hurt him more than everyone. We trust you. Lovino did too. He trusted that you would care for him. That you would protect him. But you didn't."

Hearing the venom in his youngest son's voice was painful, but he couldn't deny that it was the truth. It was the duty of a parent to care for their children. To make them feel safe and wanted, no matter what. And he was one of the people that made Lovino feel the opposite. He was probably the person that hurt Lovino the most.

"I need to go to the restroom," Romulus muttered, before he walked away.

He didn't know if Marcello turned to look at him as he walked away, but he knew that his youngest son was disappointed in him. He entered the bathroom, seeing that it was thankfully empty. And then, with his back leaning against the door, he cried.

The image he'd had of Lovino for a long time… That image didn't fit the one that he saw now. He'd always seen a defiant, arrogant brat who only cared about himself. Now… He saw a broken boy who'd known almost nothing but cruelty.

And in his mind's eye, he could see some of their previous encounters with greater clarity. He could see Lovino clinging to the edge of a pool, looking as though he wanted to cry. Why didn't he see it back then? And Lovino didn't usually approach him, and when he did… Why didn't Romulus realise before that Lovino appeared afraid?

Someone he was supposed to love was afraid of him. And he couldn't blame him. He remembered some of the things he'd read from those books – the things he recognised as his own words. Lovino was afraid of hearing something like that again. Or worse.

And now, he couldn't get the image of a six-year-old Lovino out of his mind. He'd always recalled finding Lovino in the cemetery – and hearing how he wanted to die. But now, with Lovino's help, the cause of that scene was at the forefront of his mind. He could see his young son, holding a book and looking at him with wide, tear-filled eyes. He wondered if that was the point where Lovino first felt as though Romulus hated him.

And he also wondered… was he the first person that told Lovino that he should have been dead?

Not only did he hurt his son, he allowed others to hurt him as well. He believed others' opinions about his son, instead of listening to Lovino. He never even bothered to get to know him. And now…

Another thing that kept replaying in his mind was when Feliciano called for help, and told him that Lovino had swallowed the bottle of pills. If Feliciano hadn't found him… What would have happened?

Disgust filled him as the truth dawned on him – what would have happened. He would have stormed up to Lovino's room – because they found out that Lovino had left his alarm on. He would have yelled at Lovino to get up, and would have left. Then, if there still wasn't any sign of activity, he would have gone again, probably would've yanked the covers off of Lovino… Would have yelled at him some more… How long would it have taken him to realise that his son wasn't breathing?

Romulus didn't know how long he stayed like that, but eventually he wiped the tears from his face, before he went to properly rinse them off. He looked at himself in the mirror, wincing when he saw the redness in his eyes. He couldn't let his sons see him like this. He wanted to remain strong for them.

But he also didn't want them to think that he didn't care. That had gone on long enough.

With a sigh, he opened the bathroom door, only to find the psychiatrist on the other side.

"Did you get it all out of your system?" Matthew asked, a knowing smile on his face.

"How long were you standing there?" Romulus asked, backing up slightly.

"A while."

Romulus sighed, shaking his head as he exited the bathroom. He might as well ask the therapist for advice.

"What should I do now?" he asked.

"Well…" Matthew mused. "It's difficult to say. You're one of the causes of Lovino's psychological issues, so finding the best way to resolve those issues is our first priority."

Romulus flinched when he heard that description. But in all honesty, he couldn't find a single argument in his defence.

"I also noticed that he seems to have a bit of an inferiority complex when it comes to his brothers," Matthew continued. "Especially his twin. So, first step is to stop comparing them."

Romulus didn't need one of those books for him to hear the echoes of his past self comparing Lovino to his brothers. His talented, cheerful brothers.

"I also suggest spending time with him on neutral grounds," the Canadian said. "Just the two of you. Something that he might enjoy, or something you both would enjoy."

"…There… There might be something," Romulus said. "The night before the accident… My wife told me about Lovino feeling as though I hated him, and I resolved to take him out for ice-cream when they come back, just the two of us. Then the accident happened, and I never took him for ice-cream."

"Then I guess it's long overdue," Matthew remarked with a smile. "You also need to make sure that Lovino is relaxed around you. You won't be able to make any progress if he's nervous. And I would suggest that you watch what you say from now on, and listen to what he has to say."

Romulus winced, but nodded his head. That was the problem, wasn't it? He never listened to Lovino, and he never listened to what he himself had to say.

…

"Are you ready, Feliks?" Felicja called out.

"Like, almost!" he called back.

The Polish woman smiled sadly. Matthew had called and asked her to bring Feliks to the hospital, since he had been needed with Lovino as well. Her husband had informed her and Feliks of the nightmare the Italian teen had, and what he had done upon awakening from it.

She was worried about Lovino. He seemed like a nice boy who had been treated unfairly by everyone that knew him. And when her husband expressed his worries about the nature of the nightmare…

Not to mention, there was Feliks's reaction to everything, though he didn't know the full details. For a long time, her son had been friendless, and it had been one of the reasons why he broke inside. And then he met someone equally, if not more, broken and he hoped that they could be friends. He'd certainly been a lot happier recently. But then, Lovino tried to commit suicide, and Feliks blamed himself for not being enough to help the Italian.

She shook her head of the depressing thoughts. Feliks was still healing from his own ordeals, and now he had to help Lovino heal as well. And she had a feeling that the two of them could help each other more than anyone else could.

"Like, what do you think?"

She turned around to face her son, and her eyes widened in shock. He hadn't gone out in public with girls' clothes since before his attempted suicide. He also had a short-sleeved shirt on, showing the twin scars on his arms.

"Are you sure?" she asked, worry seeping into her tone.

Feliks's face fell.

"Like, you don't like it?" he asked.

"It's not that," she defended. "You look good. But… I thought… Why would you…?"

Feliks seemed to understand what she wanted to say, and he nervously rubbed one arm, averting his eyes.

"I figured… I needed Lovino to see that he's totally not alone," he said. "Like, I'm also… broken. But I'm being fixed! And, like, he knows about… all of this. I guess… If I could show him just… how much I trust him…"

Felicja sighed, ruffling his hair. She had a small smile on her face.

"I'm glad to see that you trust him enough to show him your true self," she said.

Feliks nodded his head, though his expression soon turned sad.

"Like, it's a lot like his situation," he said. "Like, no one saw what he was really like, and decided that he's the same person they lied about."

…

Lovino looked over towards Feliciano and Marcello, who were arguing with the nurse just outside the room. Apparently, his family didn't understand the concept of 'visiting hours', and while the hospital staff were lenient regarding the situation, there was a limit to how much the rules could be bent.

He shook his head. He honestly couldn't understand why they would bother. He knew that they were guilty, and it was only a matter of time before everything went back the way they were before.

He frowned when he noticed someone else by the door, hesitating and jumping around slightly, before that person managed to slip into the room. His eyes widened when he realised that it was Feliks.

"Hey," the Pole greeted. "Like, how are you feeling now?"

Lovino ignored the question in favour of asking his own.

"What are you wearing?" he asked.

Frilly pink shirt, layered black skirt, black pumps and hairclips in his hair. Feliks flinched at the question.

"You don't like it?" he asked in a weak voice.

"…I don't know what I'm worried about the most," Lovino said. "What you're wearing, or that you look good in it."

Feliks smiled slightly when he heard that, but he still looked worried. That was when Lovino remembered that Feliks mentioned that one of the reasons why he had been bullied was because he liked to wear girls' clothes.

Before he could try to salvage the situation, Feliciano and Marcello entered.