The First, Aftermath

A Buffy the Vampire Slayer Crossover Event with Marvel Comics

Sequel to: Chapters 99: The Key and the Enchantress, 104: Challenging Faith, 108: The First

Prequel to: Chapter 110: Return to Asgard

A/N: This takes place not long after Chapter 108 and is a part of my Xander is Loki idea, of which I've got more coming in the future.

Xander had been brooding in his room, as he had been since his confrontation with The First. Seeing the looks of terror on everyone's faces- particularly Buffy and Anya- was demoralizing in the extreme. While he hated to be doing his rather spot on impression of Angel, he found that he couldn't really bring himself to care. This was mostly due to the fact that it was only a matter of time before Buffy, or one of the others, would demand he leave.

As if right on queue, the door opened.

"Hey," Faith said somewhat hesitantly. "Ya doin' all right?"

Xander sighed. "How bad is it?"

"Not as bad as you think," Faith replied. "Buffy, Spike, that Anya chick and that girl interested in Red are each scared shitless of you, but, truth be told, the rest of The Potentials are feelin' a helluva lot better with you on our side. That was a damned good speech you hit The First with after you blew that hole in the wall." she shrugged. "Besides… It's not like you're the only former bad guy here. Hell, you've been fightin' on the side of angels longer than I have."

"But for how much longer?" Xander asked full of self doubt. "I haven't felt the same since Sif showed up the other day. Heck, that display this morning was proof enough I'm not the same old Xander Harris I was even a week ago."

Faith shrugged again. "So? You're not exactly Loki either."

Xander frowned. "No… But I could be again someday."

"So what? You think this redemption shit is bunk?" Faith countered. "That one day I'll go back to working for demons instead of killin' 'em and killin' people instead? Or that someone like Angel will become a monster even with his soul?"

Xander snorted in amused disbelief. "You were evil for all of what? A few months? And other than killing the volcano expert, a couple of non-violent demons, kidnapping Willow, sleeping with Riley, and poisoning Angel- which I actually didn't have that much of a problem with, truth be told- you didn't really commit all that much evil and the evil you did commit, you were manipulated into. It might have been your choice to do it in the end, but you were hardly the only one at fault for your actions. There is plenty of blame to go around. As for Deadboy… Angel was never evil. A sorry, pathetic, excuse for humanity before he got vamped and a sorry pathetic excuse for a vampire after he got his soul back the first time, but he was hardly ever evil. When it comes down to it, he was more stupid than evil- first by letting himself getting seduced by Darla and vamped in the first place, which we can't really blame him for, and for not trying to do more research on his curse, which, admittedly, the rest of us should have done too. Loki committed more evil that you, Angel and Angelus combined and for much longer."

"Maybe," Faith acknowledged. "But I've been reading up-"

"Really?" Xander asked astonishedly with a smirk.

"Fuck off, Harris," Faith replied bitingly, though she smiled at him. "Anyways, I've been reading up on the whole Loki thing since the blonde bimbo," Xander snorted in amusement at the appellation given to Amora the Enchantress by Faith, "Showed up to talk to Little D. I even talked to Giles, Wood and Fang about it and I'm not too sure that everything is as cut and dry as everyone seems to think."

Xander frowned. "What do you mean? Because don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're being open minded about this, but most of the very little I've been remembering about being Loki since our little spat with my brother's betrothed, everything seems to be exactly what everyone seems to think about him."

Faith shrugged again. "Just sayin' that maybe you, or he, had reasons for doin' all that stuff. That maybe you weren't as evil as you seem to think you were, cuz, Xand, since I've met you, you've been one of the best guys I've ever known. Blank slate or not, I don't think you'd be who you are today if you were as evil as everyone seems to think you were back then."

Xander swallowed. "Faith… I… I don't think I deserve the faith you placed in me, but thanks. I-It actually means a lot."

"Don't mention it," Faith replied. "So how does it feel, being a god and all?"

"Not that much different from being a regular human, at least for the time being. That burst of power I felt when The First paid me a visit was a bit of a rush," Xander admitted. He held up his hand, examining it. "It's not like I've figured out how to make that happen again, though it does explain a few things about myself."

Faith looked curiously at Xander. "Oh, like what?"

"My taste in potential partners for one thing," Xander replied. "Two of the women I've loved most are Buffy and Cordelia and they're more like Sif and Amora than I'm really comfortable contemplating right now."

"Somehow I can't imagine that bitch in the armor being a cheerleader," Faith commented.

"Naw, it's more in the way Buffy and Sif hold themselves and their general attitude," Xander replied.

"I don't really see it, but then, you know them both better than I do," Faith stated. "What about that Anya chick?"

Xander smiled fondly and nostalgically. "Little Aud. She was one of the first things I started to remember as Loki and probably one of the few things that helps me believe your theory that maybe I'm not completely irredeemable."

Faith sat down next to Xander. "This sounds like something I gotta hear."

Xander chuckled. "Yeah… Aud, or Anya, as you know her, was amazing even as a little girl. She was stubborn and brave and amazingly smart. I'm talkin' damn near Willow smart during a time when it wasn't popular for men or women to be particularly intelligent, not that it stopped or even slowed her down any. When others were praising and uplifting Thor, Heimdall, Baldur, Sif, Mother or The All-father… She revered me above all others. The mischief she was capable of… Despite the ridicule she endured, she remained faithful and in return I made sure she flourished, I would whisper secrets of magic to her in her sleep and made sure she learned to read and write. She had a way with numbers, even back then, that was astonishing. A woman like her, in her standing would have flourished in any other place and time without divine intervention. Among Vikings however… It was only because she was one of my few chosen that she was never harmed."

"So what happened?" Faith asked. "How did she go from being somethin' like a priestess of yours to becoming a demon?"

Xabder's face twisted in a sneer. "Olaf happened." There was a seething darkness in his eyes that made Faith shiver as Xander's tone changed. "The fool was the height of everything a Viking strived to be. A loud, boisterous, obnoxious, Thor-like, little shit. I understood her reasons for going through with the marriage- it's not like they married for love, after all. However, I could not and would not bless their union. I turned my back on her. So long as she was married to that imbecile, I would no longer consider her my favored chosen, especially as I specifically forbade her from going through with it." Xander smiled. "But she was stubborn and stood up to me. I fell in love with her a little bit right then and there. Despite the fact that she was defying me, I couldn't help but admire her courage."

Xander sighed. "At this point, she was good enough with her magic that she didn't exactly need my protection anymore. Despite all this, Olaf was a proud, stupid man and committed one too many infidelities."

"You mean he was cheatin' on her already?" Faith said in astonishment.

Xander snorted in amusement again. "Different time, different morals. It wasn't exactly expected for married couples of many societies back then to be completely faithful. Most of their prisoners were kept solely to be used in any manner the conquering invaders saw fit. That being said, Anya was a strange and very selfish girl and didn't like to share, yet she tolerated Olaf's cheating because it was expected and accepted that he would do that from time to time. In fact, as long as she only bore his children and was discreet, it's doubtful he'd have cared if she kept a lover or two of her own on the side. It wasn't exactly something that was talked about, but hardly something that wasn't practiced. And, as I said before, there wasn't any true love and affection between them."

"Huh, learn somethin' new everyday," Faith commented. "Considering she turned him into a troll and became a demon, I'm guessin' he crossed a line?"

"Big time," Xander confirmed. "If he'd have kept his cheating to captured and enslaved females or the occasional fling with some random woman from a nearby allied village, she could have overlooked it. But he slept with her younger sister, the one everyone, but me, favored above her. To be fair to the moron, Rebecka set out to seduce him and he was just the typical idiot male. To take it a step further, he was going to disgrace Aud by breaking their union or setting her aside for her sister with her parent's blessing, despite her faithfulness, loyalty and fidelity to them all, with the full blessing of most of the village. Anya was always very outspoken in her views and it didn't exactly make her popular, as you can imagine."

"Harsh," Faith stated, feeling more than a little sorry of Anya, but glad that she got some revenge on those who'd sought to harm her, even if it was, in Faith's opinion, a little extreme.

"The spell she came up with was ingenious, but well beyond her power," Xander went on. "Knowing how that level of betrayal felt, I would have been more than happy to power it for her."

"Then why didn't you?" Faith asked.

"Because of my vow. She was still married to that asshole and it was him, not her, that was breaking their marriage," Xander explained. "There was nothing I could do directly. So when she cast the spell and called upon my power, I sent Amora in my place to empower her with the magic and knowledge to succeed in the casting of the spell. Unfortunately, in my anger at Olaf and my elation that I might reclaim Aud and possibly make her mine, I made a critical mistake. The spell went of without a hitch, Olaf became a troll and was booted from this dimension and those who supported him and mocked her were used as a component of the spell, taking their life force and granting her vengeance on all who had wronged her. Because the fuckwad was still alive and the fact that my purview was Fire and Mischief, not Vengeance, D'Hoffryn was able to steal her away from me because he had first claim."

"You don't sound all that angry about it," Faith noted.

"I was, but not at Hoff. He saw and opportunity and took it. Getting around a god known for subtly and cunning is no mean feat. I wasn't even all that mad at Anya either- at least once I calmed down," Xander replied. "She got a fairly sweet opportunity, all things considered, so in hindsight, even as Loki, I respected her decision no matter how much I didn't like it. No, once I got passed my initial reaction, I was more angry and disappointed in myself because I lost one of my most devout followers to a demon lord, even one as neutral as D'Hoffryn."

"Well, you did manage to get her back," Faith offered.

"Kinda, sorta, until we both messed it up," Xander acknowledged. "In the end, though, she left him once and for all, more for herself than anything else."

"Do you miss bein' with her?" Faith inquired.

"Kinda, but not really," Xander replied honestly. "She was good for me and was exactly what I needed when Willow and Buffy started doin' their own thing at college while I was screwin' up at life in general. Both of our reactions to the mind screw I was put under showed me that it wasn't meant to be."

"I never did get the whole story on that," Faith commented. "I only heard about it from Fang, who'd heard about it from Cordy, who'd heard about it from B and Red."

"Short, short version, a former victim of Anya's showed up right before our wedding and put a mindwhammy on me, showing how during life after marriage with Anya, I would become even worse that my human father- I was an angry, pathetic drunk who took out everything that went wrong in my life on Ahn and that I would eventually kill her with a frying pan," Xander explained. "Instead of going to Anya or the others to help me deal with my fears and insecurities, I ran, leaving her at the altar, in a poorly thought out plan to protect her from myself. In return, instead of being understanding of situation- one brought about by actions she'd taken in the past- and talking to me about it, she not only broke our engagement- which I actually did understand- but she also went off and fucked Spike."

"Well… Fuck..." Faith said her eyes wide in surprise.

"Yeah, all around, a shitty situation made worse by the fact that neither one of us thought we could really lean on the other to properly to support one another," Xander stated. "If one or the other of us had been willing to reach out to one another, the whole situation could have been avoided."

"Provided either one of you would have been willing to listen," Faith added. They were both silent for a moment. "Damn… That… Sounds… Fucked up."

"What's even more fucked up is the fact that the fear of becoming our fathers is something both the Xander and Loki halves actually have in common," Xander informed her.

"Your other dad is Odin right?" Faith asked unsure.

"Yeah," Xander said grimly. "I don't actually remember all that much about him- whether it's because of the magic used to turn me human or because I'm repressing those memories, I don't really know, but… Despite the fact that I only have the vaguest memories of who he was… I hate him. I hate him a lot. More than I've ever hated anyone, even Deadboy back when he was being a coward hiding in the shadows or Spike in that very first moment I found out he and Anya were having sex. I kinda scares me how much I hate him, despite the fact that I don't really know him or have any idea what he'd done to me in the past to make me hate him like that."

"What about me, when I… You know… Tried to strangle you?" Faith asked hesitantly.

Xander smiled sadly at her. "I didn't hate you. I didn't even really start to dislike you until you kidnapped Willow. Don't get me wrong, I was scared shitless of you, with all the stuff you were doing back then, but I didn't hate you."

"Why not?" Faith inquired.

"Because I honestly don't think you would actually have killed me for one," Xander stated truthfully. "Not right then at least. Later perhaps, but not right at that moment."

"Really? Because I'm pretty sure if Fang hadn't stopped me, I think I probably would have," Faith admitted.

"Maybe you would have, maybe you wouldn't have. Maybe you believing that you actually would have killed me helped push you down that darker path. Maybe Angel did us both a favor by saving me. I'm still alive and that's one less thing you have to atone for, but..." Xander said with a shrug. "We'll never truly know either way because Angel showed up before it could get that far. As ungrateful as it sounds, I can't help resent him a little bit for interfering- even if he did, potentially, save my life." Xander sighed. "I hate even more that I was saved by Angel of all people. Just once, I'd have liked to have been the hero for a change. Instead, I was once again a Dude in Distress needing saving because nothing I ever do is ever good enough it seems."

"You did save my ass from that blue bitch," Faith pointed out.

"After which, you thanked me properly with a Hero's Reward before kicking me to the curb in nothing but my boxers," Xander countered.

Faith winced. "I am sorry about that and, for what it's worth, you were pretty good despite being a virgin."

Xander's smile warmly at her. "Thanks. And I'm sorry for throwing that back in your face." His smile changed to a smirk. "Besides, considering everything else that happened that night, it was probably a good thing we didn't stop to cuddle."

Faith raised an eyebrow at his smug expression. "We both already know what I did later, but what did you do?"

"As it so happens..." Xander then proceeded to tell her about his side adventure, culminating in his defeat of the world's first zombie street gang and playing chicken with their leader in the Boiler Room. "I looked him in the eye and told him, 'I like the quiet'. We both looked each other dead in the eye, he blinked, looked away first and then disarmed the bomb. I told him I never wanted to see him at the school ever again and left. Never saw Jack again."

Faith laughed. "Damn, Boytoy! That's some major bragging rights right there and you never said anything! Hell, you saved the world! If anything could be considered heroic, it'd be that right there."

"I don't think you realize just how low I was back then," Xander informed her. "I'd just lost Cordy, who I truly considered the love of my life back then, despite any lingering feelings I'd had for Buffy. Because of the incidents that led to me losing said girl, I lost the girl who'd been my rock and best friend since we were 5. Buffy kept calling me useless and saying I was gonna get either myself or someone else killed because of how useless I was. Angel and Oz were both glad to be rid of me and Giles, the man I looked up to like a father, didn't seem to want to make some time for me either. Hell, despite their best efforts, I knew there was an apocalypse going on that they didn't want me to be a part of, but I respected their wishes. Heck, I even went to Buffy, Willow and Giles about the whole Jack O'Toole thing and they kept blowing me off. All in all, if I didn't think it was such a cowardly thing to do, it might have been a miracle that I didn't find a way to off myself."

Faith didn't know what to say after that, so she remained silent.

"Having sex with you seemed like the first really good thing that happened to me in weeks, if not months. For a brief moment I couldn't help but think that maybe I'd hit rock bottom and that maybe my luck was about to turn around," Xander said. "Then reality caught up. You kicking me out right afterward was a blow to my ego I could have done without, but hey, I'd just had sex with the single, most sexy, girl I'd ever met, so it didn't hurt as bad as it could have. It also probably didn't hurt that I didn't have much time to think about it considering everything that came after. When the dust cleared after everything was said and done, I was able to walk around with my head held high and the thought that maybe I wasn't destined to be a useless, hopeless, loser. I didn't feel particularly heroic that next morning because I was just happy to not be a pathetic waste of space."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Faith asked.

"Who could I have talked to, about any of it?" Xander asked. "The last thing I wanted was pity or for any of them to think of me any less than they already did. Never mind the fact that I didn't want to spoil the good feelings I felt about that night by having Buffy chew me out for getting involved in all that stuff because I was a mere, normal, human." Xander's expression twisted into a hateful sneer. He closed his eyes and sighed once more, steadying his mood. "The only other person I have ever talked about everything I felt and did that night was Anya."

"You've really been through a lot, haven't you?" Faith asked.

"No more than you have," Xander replied. "This life isn't for the weak, whether you have super powers or not."

"So what's goin' on between you and B's lil' sis?" Faith inquired.

"I'm… Not sure..." Xander admitted. "Ever since she got that visit from Amora the Enchantress, she's been different."

"You think Dawnie's under a spell or somethin'?" Faith asked.

"No. Even if Willow hadn't checked and rechecked everyone out, I don't think Amora actually did anything while she was here," Xander said. "Even still, Dawn's got this confidence she didn't really have before and gets this rather mischievous, secretive smile on her face whenever she looks at me."

"Considering that's when we found out about… Other you… Maybe she gave Lil' D a pep talk of her own," Faith offered.

Xander rubbed his forehead. "Oh, I'm sure part of their discussion had to do with me. I just can't think of 'why' she'd show up in the first place to have such a conversation. From what I remember, Amora doesn't even particularly like Midgard, let alone the humans who live here. She also never does anything without a purpose."

"I suppose the fact that Dawnie's been so tight lipped about what they talked about doesn't help either," Faith noted.

"No, but I trust Dawn. If there's one thing I've been noticing over the last couple of days, it's the fact that she isn't a little girl anymore," Xander replied.

"I noticed that the other day when I saw you starin' at her ass," Faith said with a smirk.

"I was not," Xander denied with a glare.

"Uh-huh," Faith said disbelievingly. "You've noticed she's not a little girl anymore, but haven't noticed the fact that she's turnin' into a little hottie all on her own. Look, Xand, I may be a lotta things, but I'm not stupid. Look at the facts: she's younger than we are, female, with no real powers. It doesn't help that you've known her since she was a little girl, watchin' her grow-up and that she had that sweet little crush on you. There's bound to be more than slight feeling of protectiveness there. Not to mention love- and I don't mean the gettin' sweaty kind or the flowers and roses kind, but the type that says you'd be there for her no matter what. I mean, c'mon, it's you, so of course there is. You might not be 'in love' with Buffy, Willow, Cordelia or even Anya anymore, but that doesn't mean you don't still love them. You also get so damned protective over anyone you consider one of 'your girls', but it's different with Dawnie because she's normal, like you used to be, and is likely to be more appreciative over the lengths you'd go to keep her safe. I remember how it was when I was around the first time- the one she looked up to the most wasn't me or Buffy or Willow or Cordelia, it was you, the normal guy who fought side by side with people with real superpowers. You were her hero."

Faith smiled at the look of surprise on his face when she'd said that last part. She also felt a little sad as well. From the look on his face, she figured that he never even considered the fact that anyone would ever consider him worthy of such a title. He certainly didn't and he'd even saved the world singlehandedly, twice; once from zombies and once from Red. Even B couldn't say she'd done that, even if the blonde had been one of the principal deciding factors, the lynch pin, in all of their joint ventures of world save-age. "Then the bimbo shows up and you can't help but be even more concerned about little Dawnie because, like you said, blondie never does anything without getting' somethin' out of it. So you start watching out for the little one. It's innocent at first, you're concerned. As you continue watching her, you start noticing more. You know she's not a little girl anymore. She's not your sister and she's definitely attractive and, like you, she's doing whatever she can to help when she doesn't really have to, despite the fact that she doesn't have any special skills or abilities. In her own way, even if she's just sitting on the sidelines not killing monsters and demons, she's a bit of a hero too, something that's already been proven to get your motor-running, after all, look at the women you've been most attracted to: Buffy the Slayer, who goes out and kills monsters, Willow the Witch, who goes out and kills monsters, Cordelia the cheerleader, who helps kill monsters, Anya, a former monster, turned human, who helps kill monsters and me, a Slayer who, you guessed it, goes out and kills monsters."

Xander raised his hands with a smile, "Okay, okay, I get it. Sheesh. I'm attracted to hero types. So what, Amora's big plan was to get me to notice Dawn more, get me to fall in love with her and then… What? Death by Slayer? Because even if I was inclined to follow in Deadboy's shoes and chase after a seventeen year old girl, which I'm not, no matter how amazing she is, I'm pretty sure the Buffster would kill me for laying a hand on her sister."

Faith smirked. "So you think she's amazing, huh?"

"Did you ignore the rest of what I said?" Xander said with a glare. "It's so not happening. Besides, despite our past and all the reasons we should hate and not trust each other, you're here helping us out. That makes you pretty amazing too."

"Yeah, but I've got superpowers, so I'm not nearly as… Extraordinary as she is," Faith pointed out with a grin.

Xander's eyes widened comically. "Wha- How…!?"

"Do you really think you're the only person I've been having these little heart to heart talks with?" Faith asked with a raised eyebrow. "She's told me all about the little pep-talk you gave her the other day, amongst other things. She likes you, maybe even loves you, a lot. So she's a bit young. She's months older physically and years older mentally than B was when she hooked up with Fang back in the day. You love her, even if you're not 'in love' with her and you can't tell me that you don't find her attractive. Like I said, I've noticed things. I also know you wouldn't toy around with her. That's just not who you are."

"Of course I wouldn't," Xander said protestingly. Faith rolled her eyes.

"So, given all of that, could you honestly tell me that if she wasn't B's little sister, that you wouldn't want to date her?" Faith asked challengingly.

Xander frowned. "No… I couldn't tell you that, which, between us, is more than a little bit weird, given the fact that I've known her since she was a little girl. Hell, I used to babysit her and buy her ice cream. I helped take care of her when she was this awkward teenager who was just coming into her own and then the next thing I know… Blam! She's all grown-up, and I didn't even notice. It was quite the shock to the system to realize our little Dawn-patrol was all grown up. So… What? You've been coaching her or somethin'?"

"Naw. I offered to, but she turned me down," Faith admitted. "Besides, I don't think either of you are quite ready for that level of seduction yet."

"Yet?" Xander asked, his own eyebrow raising.

"Yet," Faith affirmed. "The only thing that's really holding the two of you back is you. She wants you, more than she ever did before. But, she's willing to wait for you. That right there should tell you a lot about how her feelings have changed."

"I… I'll have to think about it," Xander replied.

"Don't think about it too long. With all that's goin' on, anything could happen. You don't want to have any regrets, ya know," Faith advised as she stood up to leave. "If it helps any, if you decide get with Dawn, I'll be in your corner if Red or B pitches a fit- not that either of them have much of a leg to stand on there."

"Strangely, it does help," Xander told her. "Thank you."

"For what?" Faith asked honestly.

"For being such a good friend," Xander replied. "And… I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend."

"Don't sweat it," Faith responded assuringly to him. "Until recently, I wasn't much of a friend either and you treated me better than I treated you, so I owed you one anyway."

"Well… Let's just leave the past in the past and call it even," Xander replied.

"Deal," Faith said with a genuine smile. She turned to leave the room when Xander's voice stopped her.

"Faith."

"Yeah, X?"

"I'm really glad you came back."

"Me too, Xand, me too."