Thanks to Topanga, Cat on the table, a purehetalian, , Yaoi-Is-Life-and-Love and two anons for reviewing.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.
Chapter 49
"And on that note," Arthur said, "I think we're finished."
They were at the book club meeting, and Lovino felt happy as he sat with the new book on his lap. He'd been meaning to read Fahrenheit 451 for a while now, and when Arthur handed him the book, he knew that he couldn't resist this opportunity.
Feliks groaned as he held his own book. It was the same one he had been given at the first meeting they'd attended.
"Like, I'm sorry I can't finish this book," Feliks said.
"It's alright," Arthur said. "This isn't your usual activity. We're just glad that you're willing to try, and that you chose to spend your time with us. Don't feel bad if you can't finish it at the same pace as the others. Read at your own. The most important thing is that you enjoy it, and if you feel that you have to finish it at a certain time, then you won't enjoy it."
Feliks smiled at the encouraging words. Mr Kirkland turned to face them all again.
"Now, have you all heard about Celeste Black's book signing this weekend?" he asked.
"Who?" Feliks asked, cocking his head to the side.
"She's a local author."
"We've already agreed that we'd be going there on Saturday," Gupta said.
"Well then, I recommend that you go as early as possible. You'd be surprised how many people actually attend these things." He turned to Lovino and Feliks. "What about you two? Will you be able to go? It starts at ten."
"I started reading her books, and I'll admit that I'm curious to meet the mind behind them," Lovino admitted. "It's just going to be hard. My youngest brother has a swimming gala to compete in this weekend, and I'm not exactly capable of getting to the bus stop on my own."
To emphasise his point, he indicated his left ankle.
"And, like, both my parents are working on Saturday, so they can't take me," Feliks said.
"Then perhaps I could make a suggestion," Gupta stated. "Maybe the two of you could spend the night with us on Friday, and we'll all go together on Saturday?"
"That's a great idea!" Vlad exclaimed. "We can all make a sleepover out of it! It'll be fun!"
"And who is going to be the host?" Yao asked, raising an eyebrow.
"What about Miguel? He's got the biggest place out of all of us. There'll be plenty of room."
Lovino and Miguel instantly locked eyes. Lovino realised that both of them felt uncomfortable after the discovery of a common link between them, and while he had started to feel a bit more comfortable around Miguel, there was no telling what spending a night together in the same house might entail. Especially if there were any family photos featuring a certain cousin…
Miguel sighed and nodded.
"I'll check with my parents," he said. "But I don't think they'll have a problem with it."
"Then it seems I'll be meeting you all there," Arthur said.
…
The moment they stepped out of the clubroom, Miguel pulled Lovino aside.
"Do you think you're going to be alright?" Miguel asked.
"I-I'll be fine," Lovino said. "I mean… it's not like Antonio's going to pick that night to stop by, right?"
"Well, he's grounded, so spontaneous visits are out. His parents would at least call us to let us know otherwise, but if they hear that you'll be there, they'll back off."
Lovino still looked unsure, and Miguel couldn't blame him. They'd manage to extract a few more stories from Lovino, and what he told them wasn't pretty.
"It'll be alright," Miguel said. "But first, tell me how you are with horror movies."
Lovino looked puzzled, and Miguel grinned.
"It's tradition that if we have a sleepover, then we'll definitely be watching a horror movie," Miguel explained. "If horror isn't your genre of choice, we'll also add a comedy into the mix."
"I'm okay," Lovino said, before he smiled. "Thanks."
"No problem. Just make sure everything's fine with your dad first, okay?"
Lovino nodded, before he joined Feliks. Miguel watched him go, and Yao stepped up beside him.
"You're working harder than any of us," Yao said.
"I have to," Miguel sighed. "My cousin's one of the reasons why he wanted to die. I mean, can you imagine how it must feel to want to kill yourself?"
Yao gave him a sorrowful look. Yao was of course the only one that Miguel had confided in after a particularly harsh bout of depression. Yao was the only one that knew that at one point, Miguel wanted to die. And there were no external factors that would indicate something like that. Miguel wasn't being bullied, and he didn't go through some type of trauma. He just… lost the will to live.
It was Yao that convinced him to confide in his parents, and one trip to the doctor later, Miguel was diagnosed with a type of bipolar disorder. He had to drink lithium to control it, and also some melatonin due to a deficiency, regardless of the amount of sleep he got. And he was advised to stay active to allow the endorphins to flow.
It was among the reasons why he felt so… protective of Lovino. Then there was also the guilt of association. Just being related to one of Lovino's bullies made Miguel feel as though he was responsible on some level.
"Do you need to talk?" Yao asked.
"No, I'll be fine," Miguel said. "Thank you."
Yao gave a small smile, and the two of them made their way to the school's entrance. The others had already left, and they had a test to study for the next day.
…
"A sleepover?" Romulus asked.
At dinner, with the usual asking-about-the-day, Lovino had revealed the discussion regarding the sleepover. He nodded his head, lowering his gaze.
"Si," he said. "There's a book signing on Saturday, and because it's going to be hard for Feliks and I to get there, the others suggested a sleepover."
"Ve, a sleepover!" Feliciano exclaimed. "Sounds fun."
"I don't even know what to do at a sleepover," Lovino said. "Miguel said something about horror movies, but…"
The other three flinched when they realised that this would be Lovino's first sleepover. Marcello turned to his eldest brother, seeing that he felt bad about it being his first.
"Well, I'd suggest not taking any embarrassing pyjamas," Marcello said. "Oh, and whatever you do, don't be the first person to fall asleep unless everyone decides that it's time to go to bed."
"Okay…?" Lovino replied, and Marcello tried hard not to laugh at the confusion on his face.
"Ve, they tend to prank the person who falls asleep first," Feliciano said. "I once woke up with a new face. They decided to play with the marker."
Lovino looked alarmed when he heard that.
"What about your medication?" Romulus asked. "There's no way I'm giving you the entire bottle."
Lovino flinched when he heard that.
"What about those container thingies?" Marcello said. "The ones that you put your pills in, enough for each day? Maybe if he just takes what he needs…?"
"That might work," Romulus mused. "But Lovino, do you want to go? That's the important part."
Lovino nervously shifted in his seat.
"I… I want to know what it's like," Lovino admitted. "I mean… All those sleepovers that Feli and Cello had… I was always… I wanted to…"
Marcello felt a pang in his heart when he realised that Lovino had wanted to be included all those times, but he was either not invited or felt unwelcome.
"Do you think I can come with you?" Feliciano asked. "I-if you're comfortable, I mean. But, if you want moral support…"
Lovino hesitated for a moment, before he nodded his head.
"S-si," he said. "I think… I would like to have someone I know better be there with me."
Marcello winced at the wording, but he could understand. Lovino was inexperienced, and he was terrified of making some sort of mistake, though Marcello couldn't think of what the mistake could possibly be.
"Alright," Romulus relented. "Just take care of each other, alright?"
The twins nodded their heads, but Marcello could tell what their father really meant: He wanted Feliciano to take care of Lovino.
…
The group sat together at lunch, as was their custom now. Inevitably, the conversation drifted towards their weekend plans.
"Is it alright with your parents?" Miguel asked, looking between Feliks and Lovino.
"Like, my parents are totally fine with it," Feliks said.
"My dad's fine too," Lovino said. "But Feliciano's going to come too."
"Really?" Heracles asked. "Your brother's coming?"
"S-si. Um… It's… my first sleepover and… I'm nervous, so… he offered to come with me. For moral support."
"Your first?" Vlad asked, jaw dropping.
Feliks winced. He supposed he shouldn't have been surprised, considering Lovino's past, but it was still painful to hear.
"Then I guess we're going to have to make it memorable, right?" Miguel asked.
"Ooh, we should totally do karaoke!" Feliks exclaimed.
"I think that can be arranged."
"You do realise that there's a purpose to our sleepover, right?" Gupta asked. "We have to be at the mall by ten. And considering the lines that tend to be at something like that…"
"The mall doesn't open until nine," Vlad pointed out. "Even Heracles can be up by eight, as long as we set our curfew at around… midnight?"
"Midnight then," Gupta sighed.
Feliks was looking forward to this for a variety of reasons. His father had called Dr Williams the previous evening to explain the new plans (and to reschedule), and the therapist had suggested that Feliks was ready to only see him once a week, so on Thursdays. That alone told him that he was making progress.
"Like, this is going to be so great!" Feliks exclaimed.
"By the way, you never did tell us how it went on Monday," Heracles said.
All eyes were on Feliks, and he grinned.
"Like, I'm totally in!" he said. "Like, they're meeting today, and I can totally come too."
"That's good news," Yao said. "You get to do what you like again."
"I'll be there, too," Heracles said. "So you won't be going in alone."
Feliks beamed at the news.
…
"A sleepover?" Matthew repeated.
Lovino nodded his head, looking at the coffee table between them.
Matthew noticed that he tended to avert his gaze whenever he had exciting news for him. He realised that it was an indicator that Lovino was afraid of it. As though he didn't believe that anything like this should be happening to him, and he was afraid that it would all be taken from him again.
"Si," Lovino said. "There's a book signing, and the whole sleepover thing is to make sure that Feliks and I can go there."
"You don't sound very excited about it," Matthew observed. "Are you nervous?"
Lovino nodded.
"It's my first sleepover," he admitted. "I don't know what to do in situations like that. I… Feliciano's coming with me for support."
"I see," Matthew said. "And whose suggestion was it? Do you feel comfortable with it?"
"Feliciano asked if I want him to come to help me. And I said it's okay. So… I guess I shouldn't complain."
"But you're still nervous. You think that your new friends would prefer Feliciano over you."
Lovino nodded his head. Matthew smiled encouragingly.
"Lovino, it's fine to be nervous," he said. "Just remember if they choose your brother over you, then they're the ones in the wrong. It's also not a crime to be friendly with people who are friends of your relatives. So, I'd say the first challenge is to not let your fear of losing your new friends prevent you from enjoying the night. And it's a good thing that you invited Feliciano to come with you. It's a bridge you're building. You're reaching out to your brother, and accepting his efforts to reach out to you."
Lovino blushed, but a small smile graced his face. Matthew took that as a sign of triumph. The smile soon fell, however.
"It's also at Miguel's house," Lovino said. "I… I'm scared that there would be any reminders of Antonio. And…"
"Just keep in mind that there's no logical reason for you to worry," Matthew said. "They wouldn't allow your bully to be invited to the same place as you. You said yourself that Miguel is very considerate of you, right?"
Lovino nodded.
"There are times when he reminds me of Antonio," Lovino said. "But he's always there to comfort me if I need it. It's… weird."
Matthew knew that Lovino wasn't used to being comforted. But instead of fighting against this strange experience, he was patiently allowing it to happen. This showed real growth.
"You said that they gave you writing exercises, right?" Matthew asked.
Lovino nodded, before he removed a folded piece of paper from his pocket.
"I… I wanted someone to look at this," he said. "Yesterday's prompt was 'butterflies', and the only thing I could think of is this poem."
"A poem?" Matthew questioned, accepting the paper as he started to read.
It's said that if a butterfly lands on you
your wish you must whisper.
It will fly up to heaven
and for a lonely dreamer
the wish would come true.
But what of the butterfly?
It can never continue its flight
with the weight of your cry.
It becomes burdened with
a human's hopes for happiness.
Butterflies have dreams as well,
but they travel nonetheless
to deliver the news of your dream.
But some butterflies never fly
that high, their path deterred
and, for failing us, they cry.
"You wrote this yesterday?" Matthew asked, looking up at Lovino, who awkwardly nodded his head. "It's good."
"I-it's not finished," Lovino said. "I just… wanted someone's opinion."
"Well then, I hope you finish it soon. So, these writing exercises… How do you feel about it?"
"It's fun," Lovino said. "It gets my mind off things. And I kind of enjoy thinking of ways to make a story out of the ideas. Like, the other day I had the prompt 'lullaby'. And my mind just spun around with different ideas. I eventually wrote a story about a guy renting an apartment for very cheap, even if it's fancy. The only catch is that the people living in the apartment next to him has a baby that cries every night for one hour. He doesn't think much of it, and so he rents the place. But… I'm actually proud of how I phrased it. 'It was as though a choir of banshees collected in the room next door, and it was their first practice in years. And they had to have accordions and out-of-tune violins to conduct the music.'."
Matthew chuckled.
"That's quite a description," he said. "What happens next? Where does the lullaby come in?"
"Well, he goes a few days like that, with all the other people just saying that there's nothing to do about the baby, and he'll get used to it. So, one night he had enough, and he was about to confront his neighbours, but no one answers. The other tenants come because of the noise, and they tell him the door is unlocked. When he opens the door, he sees dried blood everywhere, and the baby still crying. He eventually finds the baby's crib, which is empty, and one moment it's clean, the next there's blood everywhere."
"I see. So the baby's a ghost."
"Yep. And in the end, he rocks the cradle and starts singing Hush Little Baby. And he notices that the crying isn't as loud as it was before."
"Just goes to show that an act of kindness goes a long way," Matthew said. "I'm eager to read that one too. Also, why don't you give some of these stories to your teacher to read?"
Lovino only shrugged in response, but Matthew could tell by the joyful look on his face that he was actually willing to try.
…
Feliciano's eyes darted around as he examined the psychiatrist's waiting room. So, this was where Lovino went twice a week?
It didn't look bad, asides from the pamphlets and posters. Coping with trauma… depression… bullying… abuse recovery… It made Feliciano realise how lucky he was. And also how ignorant he was.
He acknowledged that he lived in a bubble, and that he couldn't imagine many of the things the posters and pamphlets described. And because he couldn't imagine it, he had been unable to see it. And it wasn't just with Lovino. He recently found out that Dimitri had been suffering from an eating disorder for a while. One of his friends had also been suffering, and he didn't realise. How many more?
He perked up when he saw his brother leaving the room, and he and his father stood up to greet Lovino.
"Are you ready to go?" Romulus asked.
Lovino nodded, and the three made their way out of the waiting room.
…
"This one's nice, don't you think?" Feliciano asked, holding up a set of summer pyjamas.
Lovino glanced towards it and scrunched his nose, before shaking his head.
"Nope," he flatly stated.
Feliciano had accompanied Lovino to his appointment so that Romulus could take the both of them shopping for appropriate pyjamas afterwards. A process that was harder than anticipated.
Lovino turned around and noticed a pair of pyjamas in camo-print. The fact that it was green was what originally attracted his attention, but for some reason, he felt drawn towards it. He hesitated for a while, before he took it. He jumped when he felt something on his shoulder, and turned to see Feliciano peering over it.
"Ve, that looks cool," Feliciano said. "Are you going to take it?"
Lovino hesitated for a moment longer, before nodding his head. Hopefully, no one would have a problem with this.
The poem in this chapter is one I wrote years ago titled Flight of Broken Butterflies. I originally wanted to include the entire poem, but it took up too much place. Likewise, the story Lovino describes is one I wrote years ago for a competition but never submitted, titled Hush Little Baby. Yeah… I've been going through some of my old things.
And my sister's got a bit of a problem. This lockdown's got her in the mood for retail therapy, but the thing she wants most is to buy books. But she doesn't want to do it alone. The other day she managed to get R900 out of me to help with an order (I got the Throne of Glass books, which arrived today, so at least I get something out of it). And earlier she came to me to ask if there are any other books I want, and if I'd be willing to give her a loan. And to think, there was a time when I had to pay her to read books (R2 per chapter… thank goodness it wasn't War and Peace, which has 361 chapters). Feel free to calculate the currency.
When I was in late primary school/early high school, sleepovers were the party of choice, and everyone said I always had fun sleepovers. And horror movies were always on the agenda. My house actually had a means of making it scarier: Our TV room has two walls which are actually just windows (it used to be a porch which was rebuilt to become a room). And in those days, we didn't have a wall or fence or anything. And my friends admitted that it scared them a bit… The thought that anyone could just walk up to the room from the outside, and since our only barriers were glass… Yeah, this was the room where we watched horror movies in the dark. And my parents' bedroom was on the other side of the house.
Fahrenheit 451 is another book on my bookshelf which I still need to get to, but when I was in France, the school I was with went to see a play of the book, and I was allowed to go along too. It's a good story, and I can't wait to read the book.
I also have camo-print pyjamas. They're really comfortable. But in this story, it represents Lovino's desire to blend in. In the past, he acknowledged that he wouldn't become a part of the group, so he didn't care. But for the first time, he's connecting with people who he has a lot in common with, and so he's blending in.