A/N:If your association for the word 'minion' is yellow cyclops Things that may or may not be genetically modified corn, then you may find the final scene annoying, because Despicable Me. If your association for the word 'minion' is breathlessly watching the mad scientist you've pledged your time and loyalty to rant at the top of their lungs as lightning crashes in the background and they make a mockery of life and death and everything in between, then you'll probably enjoy it, because you're probably the kind of person that enjoys comics like Girl Genius, and knows the worth of a good Spark-Minion relationship.

Warnings: none for this chapter beyond Generic Ninja Threats

Kakashi has rarely, if ever, had reason to 'thank his lucky stars.' His stars just aren't that lucky. He's kind of sure they hate him. He's prayed to a few gods he doesn't really believe in now and again as thanks for getting out of some situation alive, but luck? Eh. Not something he really has.

That said, Kakashi sure is thanking his lucky stars he gets to witness the events of the day.

Kakashi picks up the kids from school sometimes. Occasionally, he accompanies one of the adult Uzumakis, and other times he just does it himself. The kids can get home alone fine, but they light up whenever they see someone waiting for them, so Kakashi makes the effort.

(Shin gets spirited away by Hana about once a week, right as the bell rings, and Kakashi doesn't even try to stop her. Shin is Root, and Kakashi's sparred against him. If Shin didn't want to go with Hana, he wouldn't be.)

(And no, societal rules wouldn't stop him from doing that. Kakashi asked.)

The point is—the point is, Kakashi is there to pick up the kids pretty regularly. If he's in the village and not out on a mission, it's a flip of the coin between showing up at the Academy and, say, sparring in a training ground with one of his not-part-of-the-Uzumaki-household friends.

Ultimately, it means that Kakashi sees a lot of the shenanigans that take place immediately after school. Naruto getting into brawls is a pretty common one, and the fact that those brawls are with Tsume's kid more often than not means that there's no irate civilian getting up in arms about the demon brat or whatever; it's just two clan kids roughhousing. Karin getting into shouting matches is a little less often, but that does tend to involve civilian kids, and that's… mostly just a pain in the ass. Sai has caused an afterschool incident exactly once, when he tried to give someone a nickname and managed to get slapped for it.

Sakura had used the incident to institute a new rule: no usage of nicknames until he'd run it past her in case it was accidentally offensive.

Kanna had immediately stated that the exception was if the person was a jerk, and deserved to be insulted, in which case 'go right ahead and give 'em hell, kid.'

Kakashi was not helpful, because when Sai turned to him, Kakashi had just shrugged and told him that he'd never had friends in the Academy anyway, and so hadn't bothered with nicknames unless he was being insulting, so this was out of his range of expertise.

Sakura regularly despairs at all of them, but it's fine. She and Naruto have enough gregarious, friend-making energy for the entire family.

(Kakashi isn't technically part of the family, but he and Naruto would have grown up as brothers, in another life, so… he lets himself pretend. Nobody calls him out on it, except Kurenai, but that's her job.)

Nothing, though, compares to today.

None of the brawls or shouting or awkward declarations will ever compare to today.

Because today, someone manages to make Kanna speechless.

Kakashi hangs back when it happens, mostly because Tsume's a few meters away, and he's realized how much he misses her these past few months. Seeing her regularly, both because of the whole Shin-and-Hana situation, and the Kiba-and-Naruto friendship, has him regularly gravitating over and just chatting. About anything and everything. It's nice. Calming.

So Kakashi is close enough to see but not close enough to interfere when a pint-sized Aburame and Yamanaka march up to Kanna and hand her a bouquet that's almost as big as they are.

Kanna looks down at the flowers that are now, somehow, in her hands, and then at the kids. "Eh?"

The Yamanaka lifts her chin, prideful and most likely a little overconfident. "My daddy says you're the main reason we got my cousin back, so thanks!"

Kanna makes an odd little noise, glances down at the bouquet again, and then over at the Aburame.

He takes half a step behind the Yamanaka and then seems to think better of it. Kakashi's sure he'd be hearing nervous buzzing if he were any closer. "My cousin Torune and I grew up as brothers. My father adopted him after Torune's father died. Danzō took him into Root, and I never expected to see him return to our family, but he is back now. He is different, but I have been informed that you are to thank for the fact that we have him back at all. For this reason, Ino-san and I decided that we need to thank you properly for returning our families to us."

Kanna continues to stare at them. "Wh…"

She looks to Kakashi almost desperately, like this is somehow uncharted territory. He eye-smiles and gives her a cheery thumbs up. He can feel Tsume choking on her laughter behind him.

Turning back to the kids, Kanna says, "Y-you're welcome. Thank you for the flowers. I'm afraid it's been quite some time since I studied ikebana, but I'm sure Sakura will be able to—"

"I can explain them!" Ino insists, and starts dragging Kanna over to a bench on the side. Kanna still looks completely bewildered, the poor woman. Kakashi vaguely notes Ino giving Karin a sharp nod as they pass that particular little knot of children, and the smirk that Karin sends back is… uh.

Kakashi really, really doesn't want to know about Academy social politics. Whatever Karin is doing is not his problem.

It's Kanna's problem, and possibly Inoichi's problem, and definitely the Academy teachers' problem.

Kakashi is none of these people, so Karin's weird machinations are Not. His. Problem.

"Do you think anyone's ever thanked her like that before?" Tsume asks, and while the laugh isn't gone from her eyes, there's something wistful in it too.

Kakashi's pretty sure nobody has. Kanna wasn't lying, back when she said she wasn't actually all that great with kids, but she's pushing through. She's trying. She's letting Ino explain the flowers. Shino tugs his father over so the adults can thank her personally now that the kids have done what they set out to do, and Kakashi watches as Kanna draws herself back up and blusters a bit. There's a blush on her face.

Dammit, she's cute.

Kakashi closes his eyes, breathes out slowly, and shakes his head.

"She's married," Tsume says, so quiet that nobody else can hear.

"I know, so nothing is going to happen," Kakashi says, turning away for a second. "It's just a momentary… things happen. I have other options. I'll get it out of my system."

Tsume looks at him, and it's more worried than disapproving. "You know her too well for feelings to just go away."

"She's a friend, Tsume-san," Kakashi hisses. "It was an impulsive thought from nowhere. I'm not going to barge into a stable, loving relationship, especially not when there's that many kids involved. Not when…"

Naruto.

Kakashi's not a homewrecker unless a mission calls for it. He would never. More importantly, though, Kakashi is not, under any circumstances, going to ruin the first good thing Naruto has had in his life.

"You seem closer to Sakura, is—"

"Can we please not have this conversation here?" Kakashi begs. "Yes, a few times, it's happened, and I go away and find a bar and deal with it, or take a mission out of the village if that doesn't work. They're friends, and I'm not… I'm not going to throw that away just because my body is being stupid."

A hand lands on his shoulder, and Kakashi realizes he'd managed to start staring at the ground at some point, avoiding Tsume's gaze. He looks up, and she gives him the kind of sad smile that Minato gave him sometimes, and yanks him into a hug. "You're a good kid, Hatake."

"I'm twenty-three," Kakashi complains, but doesn't try to pull away from the hug until at least fifteen seconds have passed. "Can you let go now? I want to go back to laughing at Kanna not knowing how to handle gratitude from strangers."

Tsume steps back and cuffs him over the head. "Get your head outta your ass, Hatake."

"You just hate me, don't you."

"Meh. I've had worse apprentices."

"I was not—"

#

He gets the story later, in bits and pieces. Sai is the one that tells it, in a quiet voice that speaks more to how calming he finds the kneading of dough than it does to anything else. Baking has never been one of Kakashi's favorite hobbies, but he understands how soothing a repetitive motion like this can be. Sakura had asked them to make the bread while she made some stew, and it wasn't like they had anything better to do.

"Shino was very happy that Torune returned to the Aburame clan," Sai reports. "Torune was part of Root, and he trained with Shin sometimes. They are about the same age. Torune was close to Yamanaka Fuu, even though Danzō-sama said we should not form attachments. They are from clans, so they did not get conditioned as quickly."

Kakashi nods, and then sprinkles a bit more flour on the table, because the dough is way too sticky. "Go on."

"Shino wanted to say thank you to the person who saved his cousin, because they grew up as brothers, before Torune was taken by Danzō-sama. Aburame Shibi did not know who was responsible, so Shino spoke with Yamanaka Ino. He knew that Torune and Fuu still often spend time together, and that Fuu was also in Root before, so he thought that Ino might want to say thank you as well. Ino talked to her father, since he is a major player in Intelligence, and he told Ino that it was mostly Kanna-san, because it is not a classified secret."

It maybe should be, but Kakashi's not going to address that. "And then?"

"Shino and Ino decided that they needed to give Kanna-san a bouquet to say thank you, but they needed to know how to give it to her. Inoichi-sama did not give them our home address, because that is illegal, especially for reasons like this. Ino decided she needed to ask someone that lives in this house. She knows Naruto best, but he is bad at keeping secrets, and Shin is old enough that I think she finds him intimidating. She came to me and Karin-nee, and asked what days Kanna-san would be coming by to pick us up. She then prepared the bouquet the morning before, and arranged for Shibi-sama to bring it with him when he came to pick up Shino, so they could present it as if it were fresh."

"It was a good plan," Kakashi says. "I think that bun is done, let's move on to the next one."

"Okay, Kakashi-san," Sai agrees easily. "Is there anything else you would like to know?"

"No, I'm satisfied," Kakashi said. "You're good at this sort of thing. Not quite storytelling, I think, but the reporting itself. I don't want to say like mission reports, but… hm. You know how to present information in a way that makes everything build on itself, and keep a coherent narrative and timeline. I think you'd be a good tutor, if you wanted to try it out. History, maybe."

Sai blinks up at him with too-big, too-dark eyes, and then looks back down at his bread. "I see."

Kakashi doesn't pat him on the shoulder, because his hands are covered in flour, and that would just add to the mess they're already courting. "Think on it. No pressure."

"Hai, Kakashi-san."

#

For all that Kakashi cares about the other kids—and he does, really, almost despite himself—Naruto is still his favorite.

He understands Sai and Shin in ways that the kunoichi can't, and Karin is honestly a little unnerving to spend time around, but Naruto is the favorite.

Naruto… does not know this, technically. Kakashi doesn't show it much. The problem is, well, Kakashi and Naruto don't have a lot in common. For all that Kakashi complained before about not being able to carry a conversation with Shin, there's at least a common base there. Sai is as emotionally incompetent as Kakashi, and Shin is apparently looking up to him for advice, and Karin is exactly the kind of little girl that spends her days scheming. He gets that.

Meanwhile, Naruto is a lot like Obito, and Kakashi had never been able to understand Obito. Naruto is full of energy, and pranks, and sometimes glitter. He's not particularly competent right now, but he's also entirely willing to spend literal days working on a new technique if he's given even a modicum of genuine encouragement. Naruto is a lot like Kushina, for all that he got Minato's coloring, and when Naruto decides it's time to do Something Weird, then Konoha is going to get introduced to Something Weird.

Kakashi doesn't know how a nine-year-old managed to cover the entire Hokage monument in rainbow paint, but it sure did happen.

As amusing as it is, and it really is, Kakashi's left in the unexpected but technically understandable position of 'the closest thing available to Naruto's legal guardian.'

Kanna is out on a highly-classified mission that involves at least three A-rank nukenin and a need for her sensor skills. Sakura is three hours into an eight hour operation. Jiraiya is a giant redacted stamp.

So… they turn to Kakashi.

"Kid, what?" Kakashi finally decides on.

"Karin said it was the, uh, queer flag! In Kumo, mostly, but it's been going everywhere! And I though Kanna-aneki and Sakura-nee would be happy if they saw it!"

"Did Karin tell you to do this?"

"No, but she didn't tell me not to, either."

"Where is she?"

"I think she said she had to go wage war against the girls in class 6-B."

Wow, that is. What.

"Is Sai with her?"

"Probably."

"And Shin?"

"Shino and Ino showed up with their cousins and Ino told them to be friends with him."

That's somehow still far less worrying than Karin's apparently plans to take over the Academy.

Not Kakashi's problem. Not Kakashi's problem.

"Okay, look," Kakashi says, trying to figure out the best way to put this. "You had good intentions. Great intentions. But the Hokage Monument is public property, and that means that changes, even just temporary cosmetic ones, need to go through approval processes before being enacted."

Naruto pouts, because Naruto is in fact nine and was just trying to do something nice. Also probably having fun pranking, but still. Kakashi sighs and goes down to one knee and puts a hand on Nauto's shoulder. "Look, you're going to have to clean this up, because a lot of people are annoyed that it's messing with the look of the Hokage Monument. Something about shadows and lighting? I don't know, I don't even have depth perception, so whatever."

He's met with a laugh at that, and Naruto wipes an eye that isn't quite tearing up, but will probably be there soon. "It's gonna go away with the rain anyway. It's, uh, water-soluble stuff? Iruka-sensei yelled at me for getting permanent paint on something once and told me that whenever I do something, someone has to spend time cleaning it up, and then that's just me being mean to people I don't even know, since the people that clean it up usually aren't the people who were mean to me."

Oh hey. That's good. "Do you like Iruka-sensei? And trust his judgement?"

"Yeah! Iruka-sensei's the best!" Naruto says, and the fire in his eyes is honestly almost worrying. The kid definitely has strong feelings on this.

"Okay, so, I'm glad you're keeping long-term consequences in mind," Kakashi says. "That's a good thing. But, you still need to remember that people are going to be upset. What if you woke up one morning and someone had written 'ramen sucks' on the monument?"

"But ramen's the best!" Naruto says, clearly horrified.

"I thought Iruka was the best," Kakashi counters, and then laughs when Naruto growls at him. "No, I know, but do you see what I mean? I approve of the message you were trying to put up, but not everyone like rainbows, or the way you paint, or just… color in general. Some people really like monochrome."

"So… no more painting," Naruto grumbles.

"On public property, or on private, non-Uzumaki property," Kakashi corrects. "Not without permission. You can paint as much as you want on paper, and I'm sure Sai would give you lessons if you asked, but public works are another matter, even if the rain is going to take it down, okay?"

"But rainbows are pretty," Naruto mutters, and Kakashi just… can't help it. He's allowed to be friendly to Naruto. He's allowed. So he pulls Naruto into a hug like he'd spent over eight years wishing he could, and even the fact that he's had nearly a year to get used to being able to do this doesn't make him any less relieved that it's an option.

He only holds the hug for a few seconds, because Naruto is squirmy as hell, and then swings the kid up onto his shoulders. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," Kakashi tells him, and he can't quite remember where he heard it, except he's pretty sure that's also from somewhere in Lighting Country.

Naruto leans forward to look at Kakashi in the eye, which almost unbalances him for a moment. "Why do I need to hold a bee?"

"Uh—"

"I could go find Shino!"

"No, no, that's not—no," Kakashi hurries to tell him. "Beholder means… viewer, basically. It means that everyone sees things differently, so not everyone thinks the same things are beautiful."

"Oh, okay," Naruto says. "So… like how the girls in my class think that Uchiha guy is cute, but I don't understand why?"

"Yes," Kakashi says, relieved. "Just like that."

"So we don't need Shino."

"No, we don't. What we do need is to go to the Hokage and apologize for painting his giant face."

"But—"

"Naruto. You like the old man. Just apologize and explain that the paint is going to wash off."

"…kay."

#

So… it goes like this:

Kakashi is not necessarily friends with Anko, but that's mostly because Kakashi is barely friends with anyone. Anko is also a little younger than him, and so Kakashi's attempts to make friends just don't extend in her direction as naturally. Kakashi has a handful of people, most obviously Gai, and then Kurenai and Asuma and Yamato, and more recently the Uzumaki ladies. He's on decent terms with Anko, in much the same way that he's on decent terms with Genma or Raidō or Ibiki. Anko's an acquaintance that Kakashi has no ill will towards, but has never really taken the time to get to know; the most interaction they've had that wasn't mission-related comes down to ending up on the same team at a bar trivia night a few times, because Kurenai invited her and the two of them had grabbed Kakashi to complete their team.

So Kakashi doesn't really have a great theory on why she's apparently been haunting R&D.

He has a thought, maybe even an idea, but most of it revolves around, like, trauma.

When Kakashi slips into R&D, having been gently bullied by Sakura into bringing Kanna her lunch, he finds Anko sitting on the work desk, legs swinging idly. There is dango in her hands.

Kakashi tries to remember for a moment if this is the room where food is allowed because they mostly just do math and typing, or if this is one of the many rooms where Kanna will gut someone for bringing anything more than a bottle of water.

Going by the unimpressed, but calm, expression on Kanna's face and the general lack of complicated science equipment beyond some large computers, Kakashi's going to assume it's the safe room.

"Yo, Kakashi!" Anko crows, and waves enthusiastically. "The heck are you doing here?"

Anko is freshly twenty-one, and Kakashi's pretty sure the cheer on her face is a distinct attempt to make people stop looking at her like she's about to… turn into a snake and slither off to Orochimaru, probably.

Not that Anko wouldn't turn into a snake if she could, because Kakashi's pretty sure she'd think that kind of power is awesome, but the whole Orochimaru situation is really kind of not great for her, so… happy mask.

Naruto did something similar, before a very specific redhead and her wife showed up.

"Maa, Sakura-chan told me I had to bring Kanna her lunch," Kakashi explains. He holds up the wrapped bento. There's a flower tucked into the knot, and he can spot a little folded paper just inside the fabric. "Apparently someone forgot it in her rush to get out this morning."

Kanna looks up from her lab report, one eyebrow going up in a way that is far more familiar than it maybe should be. "And you're the one bringing it because…?"

Kakashi shrugs. "I'm sure your guess is as good as mine, Kanna-san."

Anko looks back and forth between the two of them, and then opens her mouth and asks a question that Kakashi really wishes he could just cram right back in, and pretend it was never asked. "So, like, is Kakashi dating you guys, or…?"

Kakashi cannot answer that question without making strangled noises, so he just focuses on not showing any expression on his one visible eye. Kanna can probably feel his panic, but if he's very lucky, she'll ascribe it to just, like, fear of her or something.

"We swore off emotionally stunted geniuses after the last incident," Kanna says, and then pokes Anko with a pen. "I need to spread these charts out, move."

"What was the last incident?" Anko asks, not moving in the slightest.

"He died," Kanna says flatly. "Girl, move."

Anko wiggles over a few inches, which isn't nearly enough and the shit-eating grin says she knows it. "How'd he die?"

"Ribcage torn open by a megalomaniac, now get off my desk, Mitarashi," Kanna snaps. There is more emotion in her voice about the desk than there is about the megalomaniac.

"Didja get revenge?" Anko presses, because either they know each other better than Kakashi thought, and she's comfortable asking these questions, or she's playing a game where the only thing saving her is the fact that Kanna cannot legally kill her.

"I'm working on it," Kanna tells her. "Get off my desk."

"Do I know the—hey, hey, no kunai!"

"I told you to get off my damn desk, Anko. Kunai are consequences."

"But you love me!"

Kanna scoffs, and then turns to Kakashi. "Can you get this kid out of here?"

"I'm only three years younger than you," Anko whines, attempting to drape herself over Kanna's shoulders. Kanna sidesteps and lets her miss.

"I was kind of waiting to see if stabbing happened," Kakashi admits. "Seemed like a really dangerous line of questioning."

Kanna rolls her eyes. "Trust me, if she was getting that deep, there'd have been warning."

"Like?"

A flash of killing intent snaps across the room for a bare second, and it's the kind that's full of rage and pain and not sadism so much as schadenfreude. There are a dozen data crunchers in the room. Most of them are sweating and frozen, even after Kanna pulls it all back in and boxes it up where she hides those emotions when she isn't using them. Anko's grinning like it's the best day of her life.

She blinks at him, and adjusts her glasses. "Like that."

"Ooooh," Anko coos. "Kitty's got claws."

"Bitch, please. I'm a vixen," Kanna scoffs. "Now get the hell out of my lab, I've got work to do and you've been bothering me for half an hour, Anko."

"Okay, but imagine how boring that half hour would have been without me, though."

Kanna meets Kakashi's eyes and gestures in a way that is almost helpless. "Hatake. Please."

Kakashi takes pity on her and gets Anko out of there.

#

There are supposed to be four kids in the Uzumaki house. Sometimes, one of them will bring over a friend. Naruto has a few that he plays with when he has time or skips class—something he's been doing a hell of a lot less of, recently, but he still runs with the same gang—and Karin and Sai have TenTen over sometimes. Hana barges in whether Shin asks her to or not.

Currently, there are three kids in the Uzumaki house. Karin, who's been here since it became the Uzumaki house, and Sai, who basically never leaves Karin's side unless he's with Shin, are expected.

Uchiha Sasuke is not.

"Well, you're new," Kakashi says, after several moments where he and Sasuke just stare at each other. Kakashi had honestly just been coming over to have some coffee with people his own age and gossip a bit. He had not expected more Tiny Bundles Of Regret Reminders than the usual.

Kakashi bites his lip behind his mask, and then looks over to Kanna and Sakura. Sakura, for her part, looks like she's ready to burst into laughter, and doesn't meet his eyes. Kanna looks like she's dying, or at least significantly grumpier than usual.

"You're in Naruto's class, right?" Kakashi asks.

"Yes," Sasuke says. "You're… a Jounin?"

"Yeah," Kakashi says. "So… you're friends with Karin?"

"I'm—"

"He's my minion," Karin says, cutting him off.

A stifled snort escapes Sakura, and Kakashi doesn't need to look over to know she's just clapped a hand over her mouth.

"Your minion," Kakashi repeats.

Karin grins, like a shark smelling blood. "Yeah. My minion."

Kakashi looks to Sai, who smiles blankly, and then to Sasuke, who looks… resigned. "Did Sasuke… agree to being a minion?"

"Or something," Karin says, which isn't an answer, and the smirk on her face shows that she absolutely knows this.

Kanna groans in a way that only a deeply embarrassed parent or older sibling can.

Kakashi turns to Sasuke, "Is she pressuring you into this?"

"Um," Sasuke says, glancing at Karin, and then back to Kakashi. He draws himself up a little straighter. "It's not the term I would have picked, but I can live with it."

Huh.

"And how did…" he gestures between them, "this happen?"

"Kanna didn't want him so I took him off her hands," Karin says, and Kanna hisses in frustration. Sakura is giggling so hard that Kakashi's afraid she's going to fall off her chair soon. He doesn't look back at them.

"He's not a pet, Karin-chan," Kakashi says. He's still not sure what's going on, but nobody's all that upset, so…

"Well, duh, he's a minion," Karin insists, and Sakura's giggling reaches new heights. Kakashi's not sure how she's breathing. "Aneki has minions, so why can't I?"

Kakashi's not sure that explaining how village-based departments function internally is going to do anything other than waste time. He's pretty sure Karin doesn't actually care.

"I spoke with Kanna-san the other day, and she mentioned that fuuinjutsu is often an unexpected trump card that would come in useful if I'm actually planning on fighting S-rank nukenin, and… demonstrated," Sasuke says, apparently tired of Karin's bullshit answers. "I asked her to teach me, and she said no. I asked Karin if she had any advice, since she's the reason I spoke Kanna-san in the first place, and Karin said she could tutor me if I helped her out in return."

"Helped her out with what?" Kakashi asks, because he knows there's scheming afoot.

"Taijutsu, mostly," Sasuke says, which—okay. That's better than Kakashi expected. "And research at the library when she needs an extra set of eyes."

"And that would be the minion-ing," Kakashi says.

Sasuke shrugs, and looks away. "It wasn't the original agreement, but…"

"Some girls in the class below, all of whom like Sasuke in a romantic manner, attempted to enforce distance between the two," Sai says, and Kakashi wonders if this is another of those 'thank your lucky stars' moment. "They accused Karin of attempting to make Sasuke her boyfriend. The partnership had not yet been defined at that point, and Karin laughed at them for suggesting it. She informed them that," and his voice takes on a very slightly higher pitch as he quotes, "'Sasuke is not my boyfriend. He's my minion.' I believe Sasuke panicked at the thought of the potential fallout of constant interruptions to the tutoring sessions, and loudly agreed with her. Karin has since decided to 'run with it,' as it were. I think she finds it amusing."

"Heck yeah I do," Karin agrees. "I get a minion. How cool is that?"

Kakashi looks at Sasuke again, who just shrugs in a way that's more helpless than anything, and then turns to look at Kanna and Sakura.

"This entire situation is giving me a headache," Kanna tells him. "I hate everything."

"Ignore her," Sakura manages through her laughter. "It's the funniest thing I've seen in my life."

Yeah. That… that about sounds right.

A/N: Y'all know EXACTLY why Kanna and Sakura are reacting the way they are.