Warnings: references to medical malpractice, references to medical imprisonment, references to sexual activity (FMK-style party games), alcohol usage in a relatively controlled setting

Kakashi isn't there for the fight. He hears about it later, but in bits and pieces. Passing T&I members, awkwardly waiting lab assistants, a desk ninja who'd come down to grab a signature for an upcoming budget meeting. Kurama.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't cut you open from—"

"Anko, please. It's fine, I have an—"

"YOU'VE GOT A KID IN A TUBE, KANNA."

From what Kakashi gathers, it's an unfortunate coincidence of bad timing and traumas.

"Anko, just calm down, I can explain. It's—"

"It's the exact shit Sensei used to pull, don't tell me to CALM DOWN—"

He's warned away from R&D for… not forever, obviously, but at least a few days. Apparently there's a whole lot of broken glass and toxic fumes and generally concerning and deadly invisible things. The kind he hasn't been personally trained to handle.

"He's DYING, Anko."

"Explain."

"He's got—I think it's kekkei genkai related, but I'm still working on it. He's loyal to Orochimaru, violently loyal, and it's either induced coma or heavily-warded prison cell for him. He's going to be dead by twenty, but if he pushes it and keeps using his bones, it'll be closer to fifteen. I've ruled out tumors but now it's looking more like it's an issue with the bone marrow exacerbated by forced regrowth."

"So the tube is—"

"For his own safety. Kind of. Like I said, it's either this or a cell, and this is less likely to exacerbate his condition. I'd like it best if I could tie him to a hospital bed and just have him willingly stick around, but that's not happening, so… tube."

"And why are you so dedicated to helping some random kid of Orochimaru's?"

"You mean other than him not even being twelve yet? He was Juugo's best friend. I made a promise."

There's also a whole lot that's being hushed up, too.

"And the cells?"

"The—oh. You recognize—"

"I know what they feel like. You forget—"

"I don't forget, I just—Anko. Please trust me? They're for Sakura, and I'm not experimenting on anything alive. It's—we're treating them like stem cells. The Hokage approved it, I've got prior research to work off of, I'm doing it properly, I swear."

"They're goddamn Sho—"

"I KNOW. I know. I just… can't have anyone else knowing. It's a delicate process and I'm not even aiming for the full thing, just a really specific health benefit."

"I want to know."

"It's an S-rank secret, Anko."

"Then take me to the Hokage and I'll get him to tell me."

Yeah.

Kakashi's not sure he wants to know, either.

#

Here is what Kakashi knows about the Uzumaki kids and fuuinjutsu:

Juugo does not know sealing, but is trying to learn what he can about the seals that make it safe for him to be around people.

Shin isn't very good at sealing, but is trying to learn what he can to keep his younger siblings from blowing themselves up.

Sai isn't very good at coming up with seals, but can understand and copy down existing seals with near-perfect accuracy.

Naruto and Karin are going to destroy something and call it a success and Kakashi fears their eventual power.

Naruto's normal seals look a heck of a lot like what Kushina used to draw up while drunk. Naruto's seals are messy and confusing but work, and half the time nobody can figure out how or why. This includes Naruto, who has on more than one occasion responded to 'what did you even do' with 'I dunno, it's been a few hours and I got distracted trying to figure out that chakra control exercise Nee-chan taught me, I think I was trying to make a paint bomb seal?'

Karin takes after Kanna, in that her seals are about 90% math. The little girl is average at skills like ninjutsu and taijutsu, her weapons-handling is decidedly meh, and her genjutsu is almost pitiable. Unfortunately for anyone she ever decides to fight, however, she's being raised by a medic and a scientist, and the girl's been able to do basic calculus since she turned ten. She's not a shinobi genius, really, not the way Kakashi or Itachi were. She's quick, but she's incredibly average in actual fights right now. Potential, but nothing particularly impressive.

She's a genius for other things, though. Sensing and seals and science. Things that are probably going to get her squirreled away with Intel or R&D after she graduates.

And when Naruto makes a seal that looks like it was slapped down by a drunk squirrel, Karin dismantles it.

It's like watching an experienced knitter untangle a ball of yarn that a kitten played with. Karin pokes and prods and writes bits down, asking Naruto 'what was this part supposed to do?' and 'why did you add this sign?' until she gets an answer that fits, and she usually has an entire chart and process written out within the hour.

Naruto comes up with a seal beyond sanity. Karin drags it out back, beats it up, and makes it make sense. Sai copies it out, over and over and over again.

Karin is being raised by a medic and a scientist. They all are. Repeat testing to confirm results is crucial. The experiment needs to be replicated.

"Okay," the Sandaime sighs, rubbing at his forehead. "Explain to me how and why the gravity in Training Ground 35 is pointing North."

"I let Kurama babysit," Kanna says.

It's a terrible explanation.

Everyone knows it.

Kakashi is aware that they managed to interrupt the debrief of Asuma's first mission upon returning to the village. He thinks Asuma's not too upset by that.

"The kids made some seals and wanted to test them," Kanna finally says. "Sakura and I were at work. Apparently, the tests were successful."

Kakashi wonders if any of these seals are going to be distributed for combat applications.

"How did they cover an entire training ground?" the Sandaime asks.

"Sai likes ink," Kanna says, which is, technically, an answer. "Copied out dozens of the thing."

"What's the usual area of effect?" Kakashi asks, unable to help himself.

"If Sai charges it? Maybe a meter in any given direction. If Naruto charges it? Maybe ten. Energy expenditure is cubic on this thing. Doubling the area means octupling the amount of energy stuffed into the tag."

Unfortunate, that. Sensible, but unfortunate.

"We could leave them up," Kakashi suggested. "Interesting training, at least."

"The tags are going to run out of energy pretty soon," Kanna says drily. "I'm guessing fading effects over the course of a week or two."

"Get out of my office," the Sandaime says. He rubs at his forehead in unconcealed irritation. "Kakashi, I was hoping you'd stop this sort of thing."

Kakashi shrugs as he heads for the door. "I can't imagine why."

#

"You're his favorite, you know."

Kakashi looks up from the tsukemen he's been considering. "Hm?"

Tsume shrugs. "Hana likes to gossip. She's very fond of that Shin kid, thinks he needs more friends."

He does.

"And I'm…"

"Apparently, of all the adults in his life, Shin's decided you're his favorite," Tsume says, with the kind of sharp grin that Kakashi has long since learned to be wary of. "I'm sure you can guess why."

He can, but… "That's a terrible decision."

Tsume laughs at him. "Aw, is little Kakashi-chan embarrassed that someone decided to look up to him?"

"More like concerned," Kakashi says. "I'm a terrible role model. Somebody save these kids from me. Send me on a mission to Iron Country for the next six months so they can recover."

"Don't be dramatic," Tsume says, rolling her eyes and jabbing in his general direction with her chopsticks. He grabs at them, but she pulls her hand and utensils out of reach in time. "You got out of Root and are semi-functional. You introduced him to Hana, who's managed to become his best friend. The kid looks up to you because you've been through similar shit and come out in a position to make friends and gain a positive reputation. Own it."

"I should never be put in charge of a child's mental health," Kakashi says, because he can totally babysit, but mental health? No. He can push kids in the right direction and all, but he's not a therapist. He is, in fact, someone who regularly needs a therapist, and Kurenai's going to be finishing her stint in the psych division in a few months and Kakashi is going to lose one of the few therapists he actually trusts.

He doesn't tell Tsume this.

"Besides," Kakashi says. "I don't deserve the title of 'favorite adult' when Kanna's freaking out about him graduating next month more than I ever could."

This is a lie. Tsume does not call him out. "She remembers he was Root, right? He's definitely run missions before."

Kakashi shrugs. "She gave him some emergency seals."

"Like…"

"Transport, I think? She gave me some, too," Kakashi says. "One of them summons her, the other reverse summons the user into the Uzumaki house. They have to be tailored to the individual to a point where we can't mass-produce them at all, but Hokage-sama is considering getting them implemented for some of the higher-level… stuff."

"Stuff," Tsume repeats. She shakes her head. "Alright. Whatever. I'm still pretty sure she doesn't need to worry that much. They're trying to push the Root kids through as normal a process as they can, right? Peacetime protocol? That kid's going to be on D-ranks for at least two months."

Kakashi shrugs. She's right. There's no need to actually say it.

Tsume looks at him for a few moments, and then grins. "Hey, Hatake?"

"…I don't like the look on your face."

"Don't freak out the next time you see him."

Wow, that is.

That is incredibly concerning.

"I'll try?"

#

Son of a bitch.

Actually, no. Scratch that. Just bitch, because it's Tsume. Her son had nothing to do with this, probably.

"I think it's cute," Sakura says, and the smile on her face is simultaneously indulgent and incredibly mocking.

"I don't… understand," Kakashi says. "That's not—you don't—why?"

Shin looks up at Kakashi, and there is wincing going on. Kanna is about to laugh at him, or she probably would be if she wasn't too busy slamming her head into a tree.

Metaphorically. She tries not to exhibit self-destructive behaviors around the brats.

"It's helpful to hide facial expressions," Shin says.

"I—well, yes, but…" Kakashi trails off. "I wore it because I was born with an excessively heightened sense of smell and it helped mitigate the sensory overload. It's not really a necessary part of daily life…"

"Aw, Kakashi-kun's embarrassed," Sakura coos. "Shin, honey, it's okay! Kakashi's just sensitive."

"I just don't understand," Kakashi emphasizes. "It's not a necessary thing—"

"Oh my god, Hatake," Kanna groans. "He looks up to you and you gained a mini-me, move on."

Shin is absolutely wearing a mask that looks exactly like Kakashi's.

The child seems confused at Kakashi's confusion.

It's… well, it's certainly a thing that's happening.

"Should I not wear it?" Shin asks. His hands start creeping up to his face, and there's a blush of 'oh god, this was a stupid idea, I should have never considered it' and Kakashi was not aiming for that.

"You can wear it!" he protests, panicking immediately. "I just, um, don't want you to deal with the nonsense consequences? You kids already have some trouble with emoting, and the mask can, uh, make that whole process harder. Enough of your face is covered that you have to put more emotion in your eyes and face so your comrades can read you and you don't accidentally insult them."

"I see," Shin says. He considers this for a moment, and then nods. "I shall continue to wear the mask, but I will remove it when undercover work or development of interpersonal relationships is necessary and demands emotional honesty."

O-okay. Right.

Kakashi looks at Sakura, who apparently still thinks this is both adorable (on Shin's part) and worthy of mockery (on Kakashi's part). Kakashi decides that Sakura is being worse than useless, and Kakashi deserves better. He looks to Kanna instead, and she meets his gaze with grumpy resignation.

"I have to deal with Karin," Kanna reminds him. "Who has repeatedly informed me that she wants to be me when she grows up."

"She told some of Sasuke's classmates," Shin volunteers. "They kept bothering her about being friends with him and how she's clearly angling to date him, and she told them that she wants to be 'just like Aneki' when she grows up, and that means marrying 'a badass kunoichi, not some dumb boy, because boys have cooties and girls smell better.' I asked her if she actually believes in cooties and she said that disease transmission isn't gendered, but it's good to lay it on thick if she wants younger girls to leave her alone."

Kanna buries her face in her hands. Kakashi decides that, while Kanna is obviously going to sympathize better, she's also going to be completely unwilling to help because she's stuck with her own nonsense.

Kakashi puts his hands on Shin's shoulders. "Please be better than me."

Shin looks up at him with wide, dark grey eyes, and nods solemnly. "Hana has already told me that if she sees me reading porn in public, she will destroy me."

Well.

Okay, then. That's definitely one thing.

"Sure," Kakashi says. "That too."

#

There's a diplomatic envoy coming from Suna.

The Kazekage will be with them.

He's bringing his kids.

"Why are you freaking out?" Sakura asks. "It doesn't really have anything to do with you, does it?"

Kakashi blinks at her. "Sakura, I'm friends with you."

"…yeah?"

"And Kanna."

"I'm aware."

"She fixed Gaara's seal."

"All according to plan, yes."

"And I accidentally flirted with the Kazekage—"

"You what."

"—which means I'm probably going to run into him and it's going to be awkward."

"…Yeah, no, you never told me about accidentally flirting with the Kazekage, what did you do?"

#

"—just wish I could ask sensei for help."

Kakashi pauses at the door, wondering if he should actually enter the building, but that's Kanna's voice. She'll know he's here. There's no way she doesn't.

"He doesn't even know you."

"Yeah, but still. If anyone would be able to figure the Tobi bullshit out—"

"He'd kill you on sight, hun," Sakura says, halfway between comforting and condescending. "Besides, there's always Jiraiya. I think he knows more about space-time fuuinjutsu anyway."

"Yeah, but he's… difficult to work with," Kanna grumbles. "We think completely differently, and it takes too long to get things across. The shorthand and rapport isn't there. I mean, I was scared of sensei, but at least we understood each other."

Kakashi knocks on the doorway to the living room and offers a little smile. "Interrupting anything?"

"Not really," Kanna says. "The kids'll be home soon, though."

"So, who's the sensei?" Kakashi asks. A twinkle enters Sakura's eye, and Kakashi immediately walks it back. "No, wait, let me guess: classified."

Sakura hides her mouth behind one hand and giggles.

"Ugh," Kanna groans. "It just makes me want to zombify Tobirama or something."

"You're not bringing a dead Hokage back to life."

"Just a few minutes."

"No, that's worse."

Kakashi swallows, and his mouth feels dry. "You can bring back the dead?"

"It's a kinjutsu," Kanna says. "One I basically stole from Orochimaru. It requires live sacrifices, so while I joke about it, I'm not actually going to do it. For starters, human sacrifices. Also, illegal!"

"Very illegal," Sakura stresses.

"I have one very specific situation I'm allowed to use it in according to the Hokage, and this doesn't qualify," Kanna sighs.

"You're…" Kakashi trails off, his stomach twisting around itself. "I mean… who?"

Kanna tilts her head, eyes narrowed behind her glasses, and stares at him.

"I think it's time we change subjects," Sakura says, voice like a cinderblock wrapped in velvet. Heavy and unmoving, but soft enough that it won't hurt unless you do something to it. "Kakashi, I hear they tried to give you another genin team, how'd that go?"

"Failed," Kakashi says. He's pretty sure this is going to be a long-term pattern. "I'm getting shunted back into ANBU."

"Do you… want to be in ANBU?" Sakura asks.

He looks at her. Blinks. "It would be an insult to my comrades to not return, I think."

Sakura's face twitches towards a frown that Kakashi hates more than anything, because it means she's about to go medic mode. "But it's bad for your mental health, and your injuries are starting to—"

"Sakura," Kanna says, hand on her wife's knee. "He knows what he's doing."

"But—"

"I know what I'm doing," Kakashi says, and wonders if he should get Kanna some chocolates or something. "I'm better than I was a few years ago, but I have a very clean record for mission completion, with no lost comrades. If I left ANBU, I'd have to contend with the guilt of leaving Konoha's shinobi in less experienced hands and not saving as many as I could."

It's not the only reason, of course, but… it's a good one. A big one.

Kakashi gets the enemy's blood on his hands so he doesn't soak in the blood of his friends.

He's too skilled to not try to save as many comrades as he can.

"So…" Kakashi says. "Where's Kurama?"

"Out." Kanna's voice is as flat as ever.

"Is that… allowed?" he asks.

"In the moment," Sakura tells him. She looks at him for a moment, and then smiles brightly. "Who wants some tea?"

Cool, cool, cool, Kakashi isn't getting any answers here, is he?

#

There is something incredibly fun about the opportunity to get together with shinobi his own age in relative private.

Sakura and Kanna have an entire house to themselves, and the living room is large enough to house a small party without trouble. The kids are out—mostly on a sleepover at the Inuzuka's, with Tsume's amused blessing—and there are, somehow, still guest bedrooms and extra futons if someone ends up too drunk to go home. Most of Kakashi's generation is still at the apartment phase, or live in a clan compound in a way that still means sharing space.

Really, it was either the Uzumakis or Asuma, and Asuma may have his own house, but it's cramped.

"Another round!" Anko crows, somehow unearthing another bottle of something too strong to be sake.

"A quick reminder that I'm not healing any hangovers tomorrow morning," Sakura says, leaning into Kanna's side to let Anko past so she can settle back between Kurenai and Tenzō.

She's said it more than once that night, so even Anko is slowing down. It's not that anyone was really expecting Sakura to heal them, but the regular reminders that hangovers exist mean having second thoughts more often. Kanna and Gai don't even drink at all, and while Asuma does drink, his poison of choice is smoking.

Kakashi doesn't drink much, but this house is as safe as he's going to get, as far as any of that goes. Sakura's making decent headway, too, and Kakashi's fairly certain that she's got some Weird Medic Trick to avoid getting too drunk, or to at least destroy her headache in the morning. Kurenai and Tenzō are a little more concerned with the way Anko keeps flirting with them between drinks than with keeping track of their own glasses, though, so they're… probably a little more buzzed than intended.

Anko's having fun.

"Okay, okay," the woman in question says, after slinging an arm around Kurenai's shoulder and leaning forward with the most shit-eating grin Kakashi's seen that week. "If you could fuck a nukenin, any nukenin, with zero consequences… who would it be? I'll absolutely judge you for the answer."

Kurenai groans and buries her face in Anko's shoulder. "I'm not playing this game again."

Kakashi can't help but blink, "Do we want to know what the answer was last time?"

"I don't have one," Kurenai gripes. "Somebody back me up that this question is dumb."

"Ah, I too find myself uncomfortable with the question," Gai admits. "I will not be discomforted if someone else does answer! But to answer myself would be… no. I dislike such fantasizing."

"Can there be a qualifier?" Sakura asks.

Anko tilts her head, "I mean, if the qualifier is 'if they didn't do this horrible thing' then I'm gonna say no, because the entire point is that it's criminals."

"Can the qualifier be 'if I didn't kill them last year and they were still alive?'" Asuma asks. "Because there was this kunoichi from Kusa that was—I mean, she was nuts, but the banter was fun and she had a rocking figure."

"Do you even know her name?" Kurenai asks, shooting him a sidelong glance.

Asuma shrugs. "I did at the time? She was a bounty, but it was a while back."

Anko snaps her fingers and points at Asuma. "Thank you. Asuma, you're a team player. Anyone else?"

"Momochi Zabuza," Kakashi says. Sakura chokes on her drink, and Kanna thumps her on the back. "Oh, come on, don't tell me none of you would."

"Eh, it's the teeth," Asuma says. "I mean, also that I'm not into men, but the teeth, man. I can't see myself going for anyone that was part of the Seven Swordsmen just on account of the teeth."

"I can," Anko says. "Not sure which one, but it seems like it could be fun."

Kakashi leans past Tenzō to give Anko the high-five she deserves.

She gets him.

"Okay, can my qualifier be 'if they actually looked their age?'" Sakura asks.

There's a second of silence.

"Oh my god, Sakura," Kanna says, almost growling. "Really?"

"I'm just saying—"

"He almost killed you!"

"I mean, yeah, but… like. His brain. His brain makes me horny."

Anko coughs into her fist. "Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb and hope you're not talking about my dick of an old sensei."

"I'm not!" Sakura protests. "I wouldn't bring him up in front of you. It's just—Sasori. Akasuna no Sasori. He's older than me, but he turned himself into a puppet when he was fifteen so he looks like a teenager even if he's actually pushing thirty. So like… if he actually looked like he was in his twenties, I wouldn't feel grossed out, but if he was still looking like a teenager it would just be like… no? No. Ick."

"And the puppets?" Kanna prompts.

"Listen. Shut up. I'm allowed to be weird."

Kanna rolls her eyes. "Also, let's not pretend that you wouldn't fuck Orochimaru if he somehow turned out to not be evil or got amnesia or something."

Sakura calmly takes her wife's glasses, grabs a pillow, and slams it into Kanna's face.

"Ow," Kanna deadpans. "I am offended."

Sakura passes her the glasses back. "Let's not talk about this in front of people who don't want to hear about it."

Kakashi thinks that Anko and Tenzō look more grossed out than triggered, but they're big kids. Younger than the rest of the group, but they're old enough to take care of themselves. If this genuinely bothered them, they'd say something.

"What about you?" Kakashi asks, tilting his drink in Kanna's direction.

"Kakuzu." There is zero hesitation.

Sakura makes a face. "He's like… ninety."

Kakashi is far from the only one that pulls a face. There's probably a reason Kanna picked this guy, but ew. Ew.

Asuma looks a little nauseous, actually, and Kakashi's pretty sure it's not the booze.

"Mid-eighties," Kanna corrects. "But still ripped, because of the kinjutsu. Looks like he's middle-aged, but he's been around the block enough times to know what he's doing."

"Oh, so you're after his experience," Anko teases. "I'm still judging you, but I can vibe with that."

Kanna shrugs. "Runner-up is Hoshigaki Kisame, so make of that what you will."

Anko looks very appreciative of that one. "Less judging, definitely.

"Thank you," Kanna says, entirely prim.

"What about, uh, Tobi and Konan?" Sakura asks her.

"Neither one is officially a nukenin," Kanna argues. "And the first is more your type than mine. The latter… I mean she was technically a nukenin for a while? But the revolution succeeded, so like. She's in admin for that village now."

"But you'd do her," Sakura prods.

"In a heartbeat," Kanna confirms.

"I have no idea who you're talking about," Tenzō tells them. "But I'm guessing you both have themes in all of… that."

Kanna snorts. "Sure, we do. Sakura likes evil geniuses and I've decided that having a partner that looks human is overrated."

"Now I feel like I don't measure up," Sakura sighs. "I'm just too normal."

"Sakura-san! I am sure that your wife adores you despite your lovely and entirely human countenance!" Gai promises, flashing her a grin and a thumbs up. "Her devotion to your conventionally beautiful self knows no bounds!"

"Thanks, Gai," Sakura says, reaching over to pat his knee. "It's nice to know someone's got my back here."

Kanna seems completely unfazed. "I mean, I get to know I'm exactly your type."

"You're not an evil genius," Sakura says with the kind of overdone pout that makes Kakashi want to laugh.

It also kind of makes him want to kiss her? Which. Uh. No. She's literally flirting with her wife right now, no.

Kakashi takes a sip of his drink to distract himself.

"Debatable," Kanna says, waving a hand dismissively. "Besides, I definitely used to be an evil scientist. Wasn't a genius then, but…"

"You were also a teenager with next to zero control of her life," Sakura says. "But that's okay. I love you despite you not being an evil genius, and you love me despite my conventional beauty."

"Is this what marriage is usually like?" Asuma prods.

Sakura shrugs and drinks some of Anko's definitely-not-sake. "I mean, pretty much."

"Marry your best friend," Kanna advises. "And not the boy you fell in love with at thirteen that stabbed you four years later."

This time, Tenzō is the one choking on his drink.

"To be fair, we probably would have married him too if we'd found a place willing to do throuples," Sakura points out. "He did get over the crazy relatively fast."

"He also died before we decided we were ready for marriage," Kanna argues.

Sakura freezes. She looks down at her drink. She sighs. "Right."

Wow. Awkward.

Uh.

"FMK," Tenzō says. "Senju Hashirama, Senju Tobirama, Uzumaki Mito. Go."

A/N: I just... really needed to get my "Which Akatsuki would you fuck?" joke in. Mostly because I just. Really needed reactions to the Kakuzu thing.

ANYWAY: do you think this fic qualifies as a comedy? Humor? Crack? I want to add a tag over on AO3 to cover the Funny Bits but I'm not sure how out-there it is.