Chapter Summary:
Kakashi: I'm babysitting you
Karin: The hell you are
FEATURING: the dumbest, most unnecessary, most ridiculous subplot in the history of man
A/N: I'm... I'm gonna be honest, the subplot introduced towards the end of the chapter started out as a bad joke, and then snowballed, because my approach to humor is apparently "poke it with a stick until it comes back around to being funny." I am earning that 'Crack Treated Seriously' tag, I guess?
WARNINGS: canon-typical injuries, biting (relevant to Karin and Kanna), discussion of widespread child neglect (Naruto's childhood), references to sexual activity, primarily discussing whether one can seduce a third party into a one night stand
So like.
Here's the thing.
Kakashi's really good at not dying, but he's also really, really good at almost dying.
Most of his probably-friends are upset enough about the latter that they ignore the former. According to them, Kakashi should not be regularly landing himself in the hospital with things like 'chakra exhaustion' and 'cascading organ failure due to a slow-acting poison that we only barely caught in time' and 'perforated kidneys.' This kind of stuff should be happening once a decade, maybe. The chakra exhaustion, once a year.
Kakashi manages to get chakra exhaustion, on average, once every four months.
It's not, like, a lot? He's ANBU. He's supposed to be in the weird, super dangerous positions. Things happen.
That said, Kakashi is entirely willing to acknowledge that he maybe, maybe, should have asked for backup on this mission instead of doing it solo.
Maybe.
The gut wound that's spilling enough blood to make him woozy supports this theory. Kakashi's seeing spots even as he runs away, which is usually a pretty bad sign. There aren't any pursuers within a couple hundred meters, but if he stops for long enough to patch the wound, there will be problems.
He totally should have asked for backup. He can see the headstone now: Hatake Kakashi, dead of his own hubris. Subscript: "We told you to take care of yourself, dumbass."
It's got a certain ring to it.
Kakashi stumbles on nothing, and catches himself on the trunk of a tree. He tries to breathe, and it hurts. The air burns cold as it goes down his throat, and his ears catch the incoming footsteps of his pursuers. He tries to take a step, but he can't.
He has options. At least three, and two of them actually include surviving and making it back to Konoha.
Fuck. Emergency seal it is.
He digs it out, fingers slippery with blood, and charges it with a dash of what's left of his chakra.
A nausea-inducing twist later, he's sprawled out on the Uzumakis' kitchen floor.
Huh. Familiar.
This has probably happened before.
"Hata—HATAKE!"
"Heyyyy, Kanna-chan," Kakashi says. He can vaguely see her as a hot pink smudge. "Sakura in? I need a doc."
"Oh my fucking—KARIN! KURAMA! GET YOUR ASSES DOWN HERE!" Kanna starts pulling on Kakashi's arms, yanking at fabric and hissing at what she finds.
"Aneki, wh—oh!"
"Hey, Karin," Kakashi says. He waves a hand, except it flops halfway through. Oh man, he's in for it. "Sorry about the blood."
Karin shoots Kanna a panicked look. "Nee-chan's at the hospital still."
Kurama comes into the room. He grimaces at the sight of Kakashi on the floor, but doesn't seem horrified, or even surprised.
"I know," Kanna grumbles. "Kurama, grab some towels and a bowl of clean water. Karin, a glass of water with a straw and some blood-replenishing pills."
"Hai!"
Kakashi groans. "No chance of a doc, then?"
"Stop talking," Kanna hisses. "Fuck. Fuck. What was the plan if you didn't use the seal, dumbass?"
"You told me to stop talking," Kakashi points out.
She whaps him lightly on the head. "Don't be a smartass, I'm saving your life."
Karin skids back into the room, an emergency kit and a glass of water in her hands. "What's next?"
"Phone, call Sakura, let her know what's going on," Kanna orders. "Tell her… ah shit, I'm doing it."
"…wait," Karin says. "But you said—"
"I know."
"But you said," Karin insists. "You said we'd never have to—"
"I choose to," Kanna snaps. "I care about this asshole and I get to make my own choices. You don't have to do it. Ever. Just understand that I'm doing it out of choice, not under orders."
Karin watches them with ill-disguised horror and fear on her face, fingers digging into her own upper arms. "But—"
"Call Sakura," Kanna orders. "We'll talk about it later. He's dying."
Is he? Damn.
"Towels," Kurama says from somewhere just out of sight. "Bowl. What's next?"
"Something I'm not actually very good at," Kanna mutters. "Okay, Kurama, take Kakashi's hand, he's going to need something to squeeze. Kakashi, this is probably going to hurt less than the actual wound, but I'm going to be using a medical Suiton to clear out any debris or contamination from the injury. Try not to move."
Kakashi closes his eyes, and squeezes.
It hurts less than it could. He knows that much.
"Nee-chan's in the middle of a surgery," Karin reports, voice quiet. "They're sending Higuchi-sensei."
"Better than nothing," Kanna says. "He'll be able to handle what I can't. Kakashi, I need to take off your mask."
None of his injuries have to do with his mouth. Kakashi says at much, eye drifting open enough to look at her in consternation.
"But the healing does," Kanna says, a grim smile gracing her face. "Come on, I've already seen underneath, you know it's not about that. Let me save your life, you stubborn bastard."
Kakashi doesn't have the strength to push her hand away when she moves to take his mask down. He gazes at her, the edges of his vision going hazy, and she grimaces and pushes one sleeve up to her elbow. Kakashi abruptly remembers when they first ran into Juugo.
Oh.
"Open up," she snarks, and doesn't wait for Kakashi to move. She reaches forward, yanks his jaw open herself, and then pushes, even crushes, it closed on her arm.
The sensation is… indescribable.
Kakashi tries anyway, tries to box it up into a category or two just so he can keep his head in the rush. It's warm. He can taste blood, but for some reason the sensation pales in comparison to the incidental, accidental press of his tongue to the skin between his teeth. The chakra, though, is… it's warm. It tingles, a pleasant rush across his entire self, and it's invigorating. Empowering. Heady. He can feel his torso knitting itself back together, and there's a slight crunch as one his ribs fixes itself, and the pain recedes in a cresting wave.
Is he high? On chakra? Is that a thing?
Kanna pries his jaw open again and pulls her arm back, already wrapping it in a bandage Karin hands her. She's breathing heavily, and there's a heavy flush across her face like she's just finished a spar.
Karin is staring at him, eyes wide and still so slightly terrified.
"It's more efficient on people who have chakra more similar to my own," Kanna admits. "Kurama, the towels."
Kakashi's still exhausted, even if he's just been directly infused with like… pure life energy, probably. He has no idea how Kanna's power works. He lays there as they move him around, wiping away blood and quietly arguing about… something he can't focus well enough to parse at this point. The adrenaline crash is nigh, and all that rot. They manage to get him to swallow the blood-replenishing pill and drink some water.
Kakashi passes out a few minutes before Higuchi-sensei arrives.
#
He wakes up in the hospital, attached to an IV but in one piece.
The kitchen floor is a fresh memory. Passing out didn't blur the edges on that one.
"You're an idiot."
"Hello, Sakura-chan," Kakashi says, giving her a bright eye-smile that he's, like, ninety percent sure she doesn't feel like accepting. "Nice to see you too."
"A complete and utter fucking moron," Sakura reiterates. "I don't care if you're a genius, you're also a total dumbass."
Kakashi shrugs. "Guilty as charged."
"You almost died," Sakura snarls.
Ah. Shit. She's actually upset.
"I should have taken backup," Kakashi admits. "The intel wasn't good enough to justify making it a solo mission."
"You should have," Sakura tells him. "And next time, you will."
"I can't always bring backup," Kakashi says. He frowns below the medical mask they've thoughtfully provided him. "We don't have the manpower, sometimes."
"I will come with you myself if that's what it takes," Sakura hisses. "I need to get out of the village a bit more anyway."
"Wanderlust?"
"Stop. Being. A smartass," Sakura orders.
That's fair.
They sit in silence for a bit, and Sakura runs a few scans. Kakashi feels mostly fine, which is weird for him.
"I hope I don't have to tell you what it means for Kanna to have done what she did," Sakura says. Her voice is quiet, and she doesn't meet his eyes.
"Aa," Kakashi agrees. He's seen the scars often enough. Both of the by-blood Uzumaki sisters have them. "It's… I can guess. Karin reacted poorly."
Sakura closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath. She lets it out slowly, controlled and careful and deliberately calm. "It's… a major trigger, for them. One of their conditions for joining the village was that they'd never be asked to provide that form of healing against their will. Their mother… was used. Overused. She died because they kept insisting that she heal people."
Kakashi's fingers dig into his abdomen. Smooth. Healthy. Not unblemished, but no more blemished than before.
"It means a lot that she chose to help me this way," Kakashi summarizes. "I'll have to think of a way to thank her."
"Like not getting hurt again, maybe?" Sakura prods.
"I was thinking more like chocolates," Kakashi says. "Or a spa day."
Sakura huffs, lightly amused. "If you want to get her a nice thank-you gift, she collects perfumes."
Kakashi blinks. "She never told me that."
Sakura shrugs. "You learn new things every day."
"Okay," Kakashi says. He considers that. "Perfumes. I've got a pretty good nose, so I think I can do that."
Sakura snorts. "I'll get you a list of what she already has so you don't get her a duplicate."
#
Kakashi's recovery period includes plenty of 'watch the kids? Thanks, bro,' which is pretty normal at this point. There aren't a whole lot of hobbies he's allowed to engage in when he's on medical leave, and he's had the misfortune of befriending one and a half medics, so he can't just ignore the orders to take it easy. It's not like he minds, anyway. Not usually.
There's something that makes his heart twist whenever he gets to hang out with Naruto.
Today is… a weird day. It's not a bad day, necessarily. Kakashi was able to get out of bed, at least. He hasn't stared at a wall for hours or forgotten to eat or reset every individual trap in his apartment five times in a row. He definitely hasn't cried or panicked or, as happens on some very rare occasions, started hallucinating.
He just… feels weirdly empty.
Grief, but hollow.
He's thankful that he can spend some time with Naruto. He's a bit guilty about it, but Naruto is… he fills that hole that was left by Minato-sensei and Kushina. Obito, too. When he spends time with Naruto, he can't help but think 'at least I haven't fucked this up yet.'
Karin and Sai are out, having dragged their little group of grumpy hellions to do something Kakashi doesn't want to know about. The only person in Naruto's year that's part of that group is Sasuke, and that means Naruto is completely uninterested in joining. Shin is off on a mission, and Juugo is off at the new part-time job that Kakashi helped him get at the Inuzuka kennels. The place is mostly clan-run, but they have some roles as outreach programs, and Kakashi's pretty sure that Juugo's pacifism and love of animals might eventually transition into some degree of veterinary practice. He's not sure about the chakra bits, but Juugo's already expressed that he doesn't, under any circumstances, want to be a fighter if he has a choice in the matter.
Veterinary practice will suit him, Kakashi thinks, and if not that, then animal husbandry of some sort. There are options. The Nara sometimes like to hire on help when the deer start giving birth. The Aburame rarely use anyone from outside the clan, but Kakashi's pretty sure they'd enjoy Juugo's fascination with even the creepy-crawlies and all their ilk.
Naruto is curled up into Kakashi's side on the couch.
The kid is working his way through an early readers' book, one that has chapters, technically, but not particularly big ones. He asks Kakashi for help with a kanji every now and again, definitions and unfamiliar combinations, but mostly puts in the effort to struggle through on his own. Kakashi's not allowed to offer Naruto a short, child-friendly spar, no matter how much the kid jumps at the chance every time, because Naruto will tattle to Sakura if he does.
They hit the end of a chapter, and Naruto decides that's enough reading for the afternoon. He's not bursting with energy today, and Kakashi knows that it's only because there wasn't school today, and that means Naruto had a four-hour free-for-all spar with Sai and Karin. Even Naruto's stamina faltered eventually. He just leans against Kakashi and soaks up the affection he was so deprived of for the better part of his life. Kakashi obliges him, ruffling Naruto's hair as he reads his own book. It's not one of his usuals—Sakura would murder him, probably—but Kakashi's not ashamed to admit that he's a sucker for PG-13 romances, too.
"Kakashi-nii?"
"Hm?"
"Um. Aneki told me that, um…" Naruto trailed off, tension building, and pressed his head into Kakashi's chest like the proximity and pressure would somehow scare the butterflies away.
"What did she tell you?" Kakashi asks. There are way too many options for this. Naruto isn't prone to wild speculation or spiraling anxiety, but there are a whole lot of potentially-upsetting things to his life that could be introduced. There's not much sense in guessing.
"She said that, um, there's a part of the Kyuubi inside me," Naruto says, the words such a rush that Kakashi hardly catches them.
'Part of' is concerning, but he skips it for now.
"Aa," Kakashi says. He pauses. "How much did she tell you?"
"She—she said that there was an accident, the night I was born. And the Kyuubi got out of the person who had it before, and she died, so they had to put the Kyuubi somewhere else, and they needed an Uzumaki because the Kyuubi is so strong, but they only had me, and I was a baby so I could only hold half of it, so the Yondaime put half of it in me, and the other half in the Shinigami's stomach."
That explains the 'part of' bit, at least. "And how do you feel about that?"
"…angry?" Naruto tries. "Sad, maybe? I don't like it. Aneki said the two Kyuubi Jinchuuriki before me both agreed to it, but nobody asked me if I wanted to have it. Everyone hates me for having the Kyuubi inside me, but I didn't even do anything."
"People like to look for something to throw their anger at, when they feel powerless," Kakashi says carefully. "When I was very young, my father took a mission that ended poorly. He saved his comrades, but everyone blamed him for starting a war. The hate he received for this, including from the comrades whose lives he had saved, was enough to lead to my father's death."
He wouldn't mention just how.
That was a little heavy, even for this conversation.
"For a long time, I tried to convince myself that the best way to prevent such a thing from happening to me was to follow all the rules, because everyone said the reason he deserved the hate was because he hadn't followed the rules, and had thrown the mission in favor of saving his comrades," Kakashi continues. "But that's… not how it works. Wars aren't started by one man. People just blamed him because he was the easiest to blame, and they needed something or someone to be angry at. It's not logical, but it's how humans work."
"It's not fair," Naruto mutters, picking at some of the pilling lint on Kakashi's trousers.
"It's not," Kakashi agrees. "And, hey, it's not everyone, either. You have some friends at school. You have your family. You have me. Iruka-sensei, and Tsume-san, and some of Sakura and Kanna's friends, too. Teuchi-ji and Ayame-chan. Hokage-sama, even. You deserve more, so much more, but you're not alone."
Naruto wraps his arms around Kakashi as best he can, and then thinks better of it and scrambles to sit on Kakashi's lap for a better hug. Kakashi tucks Naruto's head under his chin and thanks whoever's looking out for them—probably Kushina, honestly—for letting them having something near the brotherhood they would have had in a world that didn't contain so much tragedy. Naruto's a little old for this kind of hug, but they're catching up on lost time.
"Nee-chan says that… that you knew her. The last Jinchuuriki. That she was an Uzumaki, too."
His mother. Not that Naruto knows that, still, but…
"I did," Kakashi allows. "She and my sensei were very close."
"Can you tell me about her? Or about, um, Mito-sama?" Naruto doesn't move to look at Kakashi with his pleading, but there's a tremble in his voice.
Kakashi's never met Mito, but he did know Kushina, and that's more than Kanna or Sakura can say, probably.
"Sure," Kakashi says. "I can tell you about Kushina."
Kakashi really hopes the Hokage okayed this.
#
There are many things to be said about Uchiha Sasuke.
'Gets along well with his boss's cousin' is not one of them.
"Stay," Karin snarls at him, before turning to Naruto and pointing to the other side of the yard. "You, over there."
"But he started it!" Naruto protests.
"And I'm ending it!" Karin snaps. She pauses for a fraction of a second, and then turns and grabs Sasuke's sleeve. "Oh no you don't!"
Sasuke purses his lips and glares at her.
"Don't give me that look," she sniffs. "You brought this on yourself. You jerks start fights every time you see each other, and I ain't got time for that shit."
"Language," Kakashi calls over. He's sitting on the roof, because it's a nice day outside, and he wants to feel the breeze on his face.
"You're not the boss of me!" Karin calls back, and then turns back to her precious idiots. "Do I need to make Sai tie you up with ink snakes or something? Because they'll do that."
"I will," Sai immediately confirms. "Karin just needs to say the word."
All things considered, Kakashi thinks, Naruto and Sasuke do probably need a mediating influence, but for some reason, he doesn't think it's going to be Karin. She's aggressive and brash and snippy, and it feels more like adding wood to a fire than actually balancing anything out. Still, she's the boss, so they listen to her.
For now.
Kakashi's pretty sure at least one of the two is hoping to graduate early specifically to make it onto a team with Sai and Karin. Unfortunately, Kakashi's pretty sure that both are noted down as "no early graduation under any circumstances." Sasuke due to a standing psych order, and Naruto because, well, Kakashi's kind of listed to take both of them.
Not that it would matter, necessarily; Naruto's doing a lot better than he used to, but he's on par for his age, not so far ahead that he'd get special treatment. Nobody in their year is. Kakashi had checked.
…this is, at least partly, because the requirements for early graduation are a lot stricter than they used to be.
Nobody really needs to think too hard to guess why.
Kakashi watches the kids between pages of his new book, wondering if Naruto and Sasuke have realized yet that part of the reason they keep clashing is jealousy over who gets a bigger portion of Karin's time. Sasuke really wants to learn fuuinjutsu from her, and she's a great barrier against unwanted advances from girls in the school, while Naruto is incredibly attached to his first sibling.
Granted, there was already some animosity, from what Kakashi's heard, but the completely unnecessary conflict of 'who gets to hang out with the scary, bossy older girl we're both kind of seeing as a weird sister' isn't helping.
Neither of them are trying to fight Sai, at least, but Sai is both in Karin's year and also kind of an extension of her at this point. They follow her around like a shadow, which. Like. Sai is definitely useful. They're former Root and all that jazz. That's… they're growing out of the conditioning, are doing incredibly well and all that, but still. Following Karin around like a tiny greyscale bodyguard can't be normal, right?
God, Kakashi really hopes that Karin's not going to be a Danzō type. His heart couldn't take that.
The thought is genuinely terrifying.
He's pretty sure she's not?
Probably?
Maybe he needs to talk to Kanna.
#
"Kazekage-sama," Kakashi says, bowing just enough at the waist to be polite to a foreign dignitary. He curses whoever decided to put him on this detail. It was probably Genma. "A pleasure to see you again."
Asuma doesn't make a noise or even move, but Kakashi knows the man is laughing at him. This is also probably Genma's fault, because Genma told everyone about Kakashi's accidental flirtation.
"Hatake-san," Rasa says, face blank and in no way betraying that he in any way remembers Kakashi technically asking him out to dinner last year. "Suna is honored to accept Konoha's hospitality for the sake of building stronger bonds between our villages."
Right.
Kakashi tilts to the side, and looks past Rasa to the very tiny child behind him. "Hello, Gaara-kun."
The little boy hides behind his sister, but waves shyly nonetheless. It's nothing short of adorable.
The sister, whose name Kakashi forgets, glares up at him like she thinks he's a threat to the Jinchuuriki.
Which… he could be. Technically.
If he had to.
He doesn't want to be, though.
"Allow me to lead you to the Administration Building to meet with Hokage-sama before you are shown to your quarters," Kakashi says. He starts to turn, and then Rasa speaks.
"Oh? Not going to offer me your arm? For shame, Hatake-san."
Kakashi freezes. He turns, slow and slightly terrified. He looks at Rasa.
The man's expression is blank save for a single raised eyebrow.
Asuma doesn't bother to hide the laughter this time.
Dick.
#
Kakashi waits outside the Hokage's office while initial meetings are happening. There are more than enough guards inside the room, and attacking the Hokage right now would be… stupid. Really stupid.
"Hey, asshole."
He looks up, and there's Kanna, arms crossed and looking like she's about to roast him to hell and back.
"Hey yourself," Kakashi responds. He gestures at the chair next to him. "Take a seat?"
Kanna drops down and immediately slouches, legs spreading like the punk she is. One of the Kazekage's attendants that got left outside the room shoots her a look that is deeply offended. She gives him a look back that can be translated, to the best of Kakashi's knowledge, as 'what, you gonna say something? Yeah, that's what I though.'
The Kazekage's surplus attendant does not comment.
Kakashi decides to spread his own legs, flinging one on top of Kanna's just long enough for her to shove it off and elbow him in the ribs. He eye-smiles at her, and she flips him off. Theirs is a loving relationship.
"So," Kanna says, and Kakashi's heart drops because he knows that tone. He hates that tone. "What's this I hear about you escorting the Kazekage on your arm like some civilian princess?"
"He asked me to," Kakashi says, as primly as he can. Kanna stares, entirely unbelieving.
"What he means," Asuma calls over, "is that the Kazekage tried to joke about what happened in Suna, and Kakashi can't bluff a social interaction to save his life, and neither of them was willing to back down because Kakashi's a moron and the Kazekage wasn't going to concede defeat in the face of something this dumb. Gay chicken that spiraled into stupidity, because Kakashi has no shame."
"Is it really gay chicken if I'm bi?" Kakashi asks idly.
Asuma's dead-eyed stare is an answer all on its own. "Why the hell would I know?"
"Ah, right. You're a straight people."
"I can't with you, Kakashi."
Kanna snorts. "You know, there's a betting pool for how long it takes you to put your foot in your mouth again. I don't think anyone guessed 'before they even enter the village,' so I don't know who's winning."
Kakashi is… hurt. He's hurt.
"I'm hurt," he tells Kanna, because honesty is important. "Also, fuck you."
"Right back atcha," she says. "I mean, you also got half the village seeing you walking around as the Kazekage's arm candy, so like… kudos to you for that, I guess?"
Kakashi pouts at her. He's sure she can tell. "You have no faith in me."
"I have no faith in anyone except for Sakura and maybe myself," Kanna immediately tells him. "Try harder."
Kakashi rolls his eyes. "You're exhausting, you know that?"
"Duh."
"Hey Kakashi," Asuma says, walking a little closer. "There's another bet going on, one you can actually pitch in on, I think."
Kakashi eyes him warily. "Do I want to know?"
There are multiple Suna nin watching them now.
Asuma grins. "Sure. Fifty to one odds that you actually have a one night stand with the Kazekage."
Kanna cackles loud enough that Kakashi almost doesn't hear the horrified gasp of the easily-offended attendant.
Kakashi pretends to think about it. "Fifty to one is pretty steep."
"It is," Asuma agrees. "I can place the bet for you so long as you're transparent about it and are betting on succeeding."
One of the Suna shinobi is about to explode. Kakashi wonders if he's going to have to, like, defend himself. Politically, not physically.
"I believe in you," Kanna coos, leaning in close enough that he can feel her breath on his cheek. He puts a hand to her face, uncaring of the glasses, and pushes her away. She cackles again, like she's having the time of her gods-damned life.
"He's ten years older than me," Kakashi points out. "Maybe more."
"Nobody's telling you to date a foreign Kage," Asuma laughs. He drops into the seat on Kakashi's other side. "Just, you know. Age differences matter a whole lot less for one-night stands, and you're both adults. It's not like he ever met you as a kid, so that's not an issue either. They're just betting on whether you'll manage, you know, a single seduction."
"One night is all it takes," Kanna sing-songs. Apparently, that one line is all she can manage, because she breaks down into further laughter.
That one Suna nin looks apoplectic. This may be a problem.
Kakashi considers it. "Did Gai bet?"
"No."
"…do you think he'd bet if he knew I had bet?"
Asuma looks at him like he's a stranger. "It's Gai."
Kakashi considers it a little more. "Did Genma bet?"
"Yep, he thinks you're going to get your ass kicked when you make a pass," Asuma says.
"That bastard," Kanna crows, and the giggles are honestly becoming a little worrying.
Kakashi nods sharply. "I'm in."
"Just to fuck with Gai and Genma?" Asuma asks.
"To fuck with Genma," Kakashi says. "Gai will take me up on any challenge, but Genma… Genma is underestimating me."
"You're so fucking stupid," Kanna cries. "Oh my god. I love this. You're all so dumb."
"You're just jealous," Kakashi sniffs.
"Bitch, I'm married," she reminds him. She hiccups and buries her face in his shoulder. "Fuck. I'm going to bet that you manage it because this is going to be hilarious no matter the outcome. Oh my god. I'm going to die."
"Then perish," Kakashi tells her, and she shrieks with laughter.
Asuma sits back with a smirk. "This entire situation is going to be a disaster and I can't wait for it."
"A diplomatic disaster," one of the Suna nin hisses in their direction.
Asuma shrugs. "Hey, at least it'll be funny."
Kakashi taps his book against his chin. "Hey guys?"
"Hm?"
"Does this make me the hot twink?"
Kanna actually laughs herself off of her chair this time.
#
By the time the actual diplomats finish with whatever the hell is going on behind closed doors, Kakashi has a game plan, Kanna's managed to pull herself together, and Asuma's bullied the Suna nin into not telling their boss about the bet.
This isn't the most ridiculous bet Kakashi's taken part in, not even in the last year, because he's friends with Gai, but it's probably the most likely to have far-reaching consequences.
Still. He said he was going to do it, so come hell or high water, he's going to do it.
Kurenai would probably tell him this is a terrible idea, but she's not his therapist anymore, so ha.
The doors open slowly, and the first person out is less than four feet tall.
"Kanna-san!" Gaara whisper-shouts. He smiles, inordinately pleased to have run into her. He walks over, still wrapped in his adorable little Suna robes, and stops in front of her. "I am doing much better. My father has asked if you will be looking at my seal again?"
"I'd be delighted," Kanna tells him, tapping him on the nose with one finger. He steps back, startled, and his hands come up to cover his face like he's not used to whatever just happened. Kanna laughs and ruffles his hair, and then looks up to see the Kazekage watching them. She stands, and bows, and says, "A pleasure to see you again, Kazekage-sama."
"Likewise," Rasa answers. "Gaara insisted on coming, as did my other children. Apparently, he's rather keen on meeting the children in your care."
"Oh," Kanna says. "Of course, that's—yeah. No trouble at all."
"I will, of course, accompany them."
"Ah."
The silence is stifling.
"So, when are you free?" Kanna asks, hesitating as she speaks. "I'm assuming your schedule is pretty full, but I'm sure I can take a night off here or there."
"Chihiro-san has the itinerary," Rasa says, and a short kunoichi bustles forward with a clipboard. Kanna leans over to look at it, and then something in her face just… twitches.
"Uh… let me call my wife," Kanna says, pulling out her fancy mobile telephone. "Just… I need to check something with her."
Rasa inclines his head just enough to indicate his agreement, and Kanna steps away. Kakashi hears Tsume's name, and something about Chōza, but most of the sound is lost to the hustle and bustle of the hallway in post-official-meeting conversation.
Kakashi catches Rasa's eye and says, "Maa, I hear we caused quite a stir on the way in."
"Wouldn't any Kage be reason for commotion?" Rasa prompts.
"Most Kage don't have a Konoha Jounin as arm candy on their way in," Kakashi points out.
Asuma has to hide his mouth behind his hand to even somewhat stifle his laugh.
The Kazekage does not seem impressed, mostly, but there's a slight tick to the corner of his mouth. Score! "I see."
"He's a very hot commodity," Asuma offers, and offers a charming grin of his own in response to the incredulous stares he gets for that particular comment.
Kakashi wonders if this is one of Asuma's many ways of getting revenge at his dad. It probably is. That's fine.
"I am," Kakashi says gravely. "But, ah, I still must say that the mask is off limits as of yet."
Chihiro, the assistant who hadn't been in the hallway earlier and was probably in the bigwigs meeting with the Kazekage, looked around between the three of them with what Kakashi figured was probably concern. Kakashi pitied her. Unfortunately, Kakashi also had a bet to win.
He'd blame Genma.
"Of course," the Kazekage says. "I do remember your limits."
Poor, poor Chihiro.
Kanna comes back, strides long and solid. "So, one of the nights that you're free is actually a night we'd already planned to have a dinner party of sorts. Chōza-san will be there, as well as Nara Shikaku and Inuzuka Tsume, who are also clan heads. I'd be happy to introduce the children before then, but I feel that this might be an opportunity to meet some of the clan heads in a more relaxed setting, if that's something that interests you."
Kakashi's brow furrows, and he tries to figure out what the common thread is. It doesn't take too long: this was probably supposed to be about Naruto's friends and their parents, at least originally. Or maybe all the kids and their friends? Sasuke is an orphan, and TenTen's father is… a blacksmith, maybe? Not something to bring up to entice the Kazekage. Inviting the Hyūga to something like this is a gamble, even without the wrench in the works that is international politics, so Neji might not have even accepted the invitation. Shin's only real friend so far is Hana. His genin team was growing on him, but that was slow-going. Juugo… doesn't really have friends yet.
Yeah, okay. That makes sense.
"It seems as though the stars have aligned for such a meeting," the Kazekage says, and the words are the kind of slow and measured that are meant to be openly suspicious. "There is room for an additional five?"
Three kids, Rasa, and probably a bodyguard. Baki, if Kakashi remembered the dynamics correctly.
Kanna smiles. "We've got a big house. I'll see you there, then?"
"I look forward to it," Rasa says. "Perhaps you could discuss a more casual meeting for the children themselves with Baki."
Kanna inclines her head. "I'd be delighted."
As Rasa turns to leave, Kakashi 'accidentally' lets their hands brush, and smiles when Rasa glances at him.
Genma's going down.
A/N:
Kakashi, at the beginning of this chapter: I am literally dying of blood loss.
Kakashi, at the end of this chapter: Okay, so how many people think I can't fuck the Kazekage?
I have no excuse, other than 'it made me laugh every time I thought about it, so I had to include it.'