WARNINGS: typical threats of violence (mostly empty), oblique references to sexual activity

Despite Kakashi's decision to be the Kazekage's inevitable 'I went abroad and screwed a hot twink' story, he doesn't get a whole lot of time to interact with the man. He lays it on thick on the few occasions they're in the same room, but it seems as though the Hokage has made the sensible choice to keep Kakashi away from international politics before he causes an incident. It's a good idea, except he probably should have done that before the Kazekage arrived, instead of putting Kakashi within arm's reach of an opportunity to fuck with his friends, his enemies, and the universe writ large.

So, really, it's all Hiruzen's fault. Asuma will back him up on this.

The other main reason that Kakashi's not running into the man very much is that Kanna and Sakura have dragged him into dinner party prep.

Kakashi has never hosted a dinner party. He's a little concerned about the amount of cleaning going on, but one of their guests is a head of state, so… it's probably necessary. To some degree.

"You can cook, right?" Kanna asks him, marching up to him murder in her eyes.

"…yes?" Kakashi says. He entered the house literally fifteen seconds ago. He's allowed to be a smidge off-kilter. "I think I'm pretty good."

"That's what Anko said," Kanna tells him. "You're helping us with food."

"Do I get a choice?"

"You get a chance to reach the man of your temporary dreams through his stomach," Kanna says. "Also, you owe me."

He probably does. He's not sure for what, but he does. At minimum, he's pretty sure he's still not off the hook for getting that much blood onto the cupboard doors. Or something.

"I don't owe you shit," he says.

There's a delighted gasp behind them, and Naruto yells, "Kakashi-nii! The swear jar!"

Naruto's incredibly devoted to the swear jar. Kakashi's pretty sure he just loves it as a sign of Things Normal Families Do, which is… fair.

Kakashi drops some ryō into the jar.

He turns back to Kanna and says, "I'll cook but I'm not paying for the ingredients."

"Duh," Kanna scoffs. "What do you take me for, a cheapskate?"

"No, I take you for lazy."

Her eyes narrow behind her glasses, a gimlet stare like none other.

He smiles back.

"Ugh, you're the worst," Kanna grumbles. "Just get over yourself."

"Can't. I'm fantastic."

The door slams open, and they all turn to stare.

There stands Karin, a bloodthirsty grin on her face.

"Please don't tell me you killed someone." The words are out of Kakashi's mouth before he can stop them. "Did you take over the Yakuza? Please tell me you didn't take over the Yakuza. You're too young to be an oyabun."

"I did not take over the Yakuza," Karin informs him. "Because they're civilians, and that makes them boring."

"You are absolutely not helping my nerves," Kakashi tells her. "Please stop being absurd."

"No."

Kanna presses a hand over Kakashi's mouth before he can respond. "Did you have something to tell or not, brat?"

"Rude," Karin sniffs. "But I'll bend."

Kakashi blows warm air through his mask until Kanna takes her hand down and glares at him.

"Disgusting."

He eye-smiles at her.

"Ahem!" Karin looks annoyed that nobody is listening to her announcement. "Neji's going to be at the dinner party."

Kanna's eye twitches. "So I have to adjust plans for an extra kid. That's fine. You're all eating on the floor in the living room anyway."

"And he might bring Hiashi-sama," Karin adds. The bloodthirst is back.

"You little—" Kanna hisses.

Karin sticks out her tongue, looking incredibly proud of herself. Smugness suits her. "Ha!"

"How did you make that happen?" Kakashi asks.

Karin shrugs. "Sai asked Neji first, and he said no, because he's above such things. That was a few days ago, but today I told him 'are you sure? Aneki got the Kazekage to come, so, you know, massive politics and all that,' and he looked like he was going to get sick or something. He ate lunch at the Hyūga compound and then when the school day ended, Hiashi was waiting for him in the Academy courtyard and asked me about it, and Sakura-nee explained since she was supposed to walk us home, and that you'd be happy to have Neji there, and Hiashi as well if he was okay with it being a little less formal than he's used to, and he agreed because duh, who'd pass up a chance to make connections with the Kazekage like that?"

Kanna looks ready to strangle something. Preferably not a kid, but Kakashi's still in arm's reach. He shuffles a step away.

Karin continues to look smug as hell.

"You're going to be terrifying when you grow up," Kakashi tells her. "You're already scary. Please keep me off your hit lists."

"I make no promises," Karin advises. "But you've been pretty cool, so I'll probably spare you."

"Excuse me," Kanna says, and leaves the house through the back door.

Kakashi watches her leave. He blinks. He turns to Karin. "Is she okay?"

Karin shrugs. "She doesn't feel that mad. She's mostly just annoyed."

Ah, right. Sensors.

"Besides, Sakura was the one that invited Hiashi," Karin says. "I just wanted Neji to come since he's Sai's favorite person at school."

There's a scream outside, one that lasts about twenty seconds before trailing off. A moment later, Kanna reenters the building and jabs a finger at Karin.

"You're helping set up for the party."

"Yeah, and? That was already going to happen."

"I am going to throw you in a river."

"Sure thing, oba-chan."

Kanna's face starts twitching. Kakashi takes her by the shoulders and moves her a few steps away from Karin.

"Where's Sakura, anyway?" Kakashi asks. "You said she was walking you home?"

"Oh!" Karin says, brightening. "Maito-san showed up and challenged her to a spar since he couldn't find you. I think Nee-chan really wanted to break something. She looked pretty happy about it."

Kanna shakes Kakashi off and strides forward to put her hands on Karin's shoulders. She leans down, closing the distance in a way that it is entirely intimidating. "You. You are a menace."

Karin rolls her eyes. "Well, duh. What did you think you were teaching me to be?"

#

"This is a terrible idea."

Kakashi considers his drink for a moment. "You're not my mom."

A hand lands on his shoulder, and he's spun around to face Kurenai head on. "Kakashi. This is a terrible idea."

"You have money riding on it, don't you?" he asks.

"No, actually! Because I don't want to encourage you!"

Kakashi shrugs. "Too late for that. Genma bet against me after spreading the story, which means it's payback time."

"Kakashi. Listen to me. You can't cause an international incident out of spite," Kurenai pleads. "We don't need you causing a decade-long ribbon of red tape with your dick."

He blinks at her. "Okay, but consider this: I need to prove Genma wrong."

She groans, drops into the seat next to him, and puts her head in her hands. "Why is everyone our age so stupid?"

"My guess is all the trauma," Kakashi says. "Buy you a beer?"

"No, I have to roof-hop home and I only moved a few weeks ago," Kurenai admits. "If I get drunk I'll probably go to the wrong apartment and nobody needs that headache."

Kakashi shrugs. "More for—"

"No."

He sighs. "You do realize you finished your time with the Psych division, right? You don't need to keep doing this."

"Okay, first of all: we're friends and I care about you, no matter how much of a dumbass you are," Kurenai tells him, and it's not a little aggressive. "Second of all: are you actually visiting your new therapist?"

Kakashi pauses. He turns away and takes a sip of his beer.

"Exactly," Kurenai snips. "Start going to your sessions and I'll lay off."

Kakashi rolls his eyes. "I'm doing okay. I'm still legally required to go three times a year, and if they tell me I'm falling off the tracks again, I'll listen."

Kurenai eyes him suspiciously. "You do realize how politically idiotic this bet is, right?"

"I mean, yeah," Kakashi says. "But the Kazekage seems vaguely receptive so far, so I'll probably get rejected without actually causing trouble. Either that or he's just really good at Gay Chicken."

"Kakashi," she says. She does not follow it up with a sentence.

"Listen," Kakashi says. "At the end of all this, I will just be the story that every high-level politician has: he went abroad and screwed a hot twink."

"You," Kurenai says, aggressively poking his shoulder. "Are not a twink."

"You sure?"

"You haven't been since we turned seventeen," Kurenai sniffs. "Too broad. Twunk, maybe, but not a twink."

"Metaphorically, then. I'm the metaphorical twink," Kakashi says.

"You can't… you can't metaphorically be a twink, oh my god," Kurenai groans. "Do you want me to get Genma just so he can argue this with you? Because I'm pretty sure he knows the terms better than I do."

"You're as gay as I am," Kakashi says. "I'm sure you know the words."

"First off, we're both bi—"

"So we're just as gay as each other."

"—and second," Kurenai stresses, glaring him down, "I'm a woman. Those terms are male-exclusive."

Kakashi sighs as dramatically as he can get away with. "So clearly, I'm better suited to declaring myself a twink than you are to declaring me not."

"Why am I friends with you," Kurenai grouses.

"Hell if I know," Kakashi admits. "I think I just grew on you. Like a fungus."

"Isn't that what you usually say about Gai?"

Kakashi shrugs. "Yeah."

Kurenai knocks her ankle into the leg of Kakashi's chair. "Look at me."

He does not.

She kicks his ankle this time. "Hey, jerk. Look at me."

"Whaaaaaaaaat?" Kakashi groans, turning just enough to pout at her.

Kurenai starts pointing at him again, just as aggressive as before, but with less actual poking. "You're a good friend. I'm lucky to have you. I know I talk shit, and so do most of our friends, but you're a fun guy and we all would trust you at our backs before anyone else, because we know you'd never, ever leave one of us behind."

Oh.

Oh, ow.

"Are you about to cry?" Kurenai asks, tilting her head. "Dude—"

"Shut up."

"Aw, Kakashi," Kurenai says. She pats him on the shoulder. "I didn't mean to make you start crying."

"I'm not crying, Yuuhi."

"Sure," she says. "Do you want to get out of here? We can take a walk right by the diplomat's hotel so you can make one of the worst intentional mistakes of your life."

"Not a mistake," Kakashi insists. He rubs at his eye. There's definitely dust in it. Maybe an eyelash. "And I thought you disapproved."

"Oh, I think it's going to blow up in your face bigtime," Kurenai says. "But we're friends, so it's unfortunately my job to help you out with your absolute worst decisions. I'll even put some money down on it."

"Kurenai, you're the best."

"Yeah, yeah, now pay your tab so we can get out of here."

#

The dinner prep starts like this:

Kakashi is there before anyone else who doesn't, like, actively live in the building. He's even there before Sakura is, mostly because she has set shifts at the hospital instead of missions with breaks between. Meanwhile, Kakashi had allowed himself to get bullied into cooking, which he's actually pretty good at, Raidō, so he gets to show up midday to help Kanna with the food while the kids argue and clean.

Naruto makes ten shadow clones to help.

Kakashi can barely make five.

God, the reserves on that kid.

Kurama turns up to take on chopping things after an hour or two, grumbling and unpleasant as ever. He ditches them for Child Wrangling™ duties every little bit, which is endearing, if a little… concerning.

"He's a softie," Kanna dismisses. She neatly dodges the knife that Kurama throws at her, snatching it out of the air and slapping it down on the counter. "Don't you dare damage my cupboards, Kurama, I swear to the fucking Sage himself I will have your hide if you leave so much as a scratch on the walnut."

He snarls at her, lips pulled back to bare his teeth in the same concerningly feral grimace as always.

"I will turn you into a coat," Kanna hisses at him.

"That's disgusting," Kakashi informs her, because it doesn't seem like Kurama's got any intention of reminding her. "Human skin as a coat is gross. You're gross. Stop."

"Get fucked," Kanna tells him. She pauses. "Preferably by the Kazekage, I've got money riding on this."

"It's nice to have your support," Kakashi tells her, shoving as much sincerity as he can into the sentence. "Did Sakura bet?"

"Hell no, she's not allowed to gamble," Kanna scoffs. "Tsunade's luck rubbed off on her. You don't want her betting on you. Either you lose, because she usually does, or you win and something terrible happens."

"I'm… pretty sure you can't inherit your teacher's luck," Kakashi says. "Especially not that specific."

Kanna rolls her eyes. "Whatever, can't you just trust me that Sakura betting would be a bad idea?"

"She's telling the truth," Kurama adds. He dodges a kick from Kanna. "What the hell, woman?!"

"Your approval isn't helpful," she sniffs. "Also, I'm still mad about you throwing knives in my kitchen. I like these cupboards."

"And I like not having a busted knee!" Kurama snaps back.

"Now, now, you're both pretty and entirely terrifying," Kakashi says, in the most soothing voice he can. "And Karin's scarier than either of you, so maybe step it up a notch."

It gets pretty much the exact response he expected, which is that Kurama starts laughing and Kanna looks like she's ready for the Shinigami to just come and take her already.

It's fun.

#

The dinner arrivals start like this:

Tsume shows up first, loud and brash and bringing a fondue pot with her. Kiba immediately tackles Naruto, and they both get tossed out a window into the backyard. Kurama's the one that does it, yelling at them that they're not supposed to be messing up the furniture yet. Tsume shouts out the window that they need to keep themselves clean at least until Hiashi shows up, because he's a solid five years older than her and still eyes her parenting with concern, for all that she's been doing it almost six years longer than he has.

"I'm a single mom, yeah, but I had Hana when I was eighteen," Tsume scoffs. "I've been doing this for almost half my life, you know?"

"I honestly haven't had much chance to interact with the Hyūga," Kanna tells her. "But any man with that large of a clan at his back that tries to judge a single mom is due for a wake-up call."

"Ha!" Tsume thumps Kanna on the back. "You're not half bad, kid!"

"Tsume-san, we've known each other a year," Kanna says, adjusting her glasses. "Why do you sound so surprised?"

"Because you're an asshole," Kurama offers.

Kanna glares at him, and Kakashi decides to busy himself with making sure that the kids don't do something stupid. Hana and Shin are hanging out on the roof and talking quietly, which is refreshingly sensible behavior. Naruto and Kiba are being kept apart by Karin and Sai, thankfully. Neither of them seems all that keen on fighting anymore, but Karin is controlling and conniving and lots of other words in that general spectrum, and she doesn't seem at all convinced that they're not going to muss up their clothes if she lets them roam free.

"You can let them go," Kakashi says. "They should know to follow the rules now that there's a responsible adult out here."

"Yeah?" Karin challenges, even as she lets her brother go. "Show me where."

Kakashi slaps a hand to his chest. "That was brutal."

"Good."

"Karin, don't be mean to Kakashi-nii!" Naruto protests. He rapidly taps her shoulder like it's going to get her to pay closer attention somehow. "Nee-chan said he was fragile."

Wow. That's simultaneously heartwarming and absolutely crushing.

Sai lets go of Kiba, watches the bickering, and turns to the lone adult. "Kakashi-san, do you consider yourself fragile?"

Uh. Well then.

So, that discussion happens. Sai is eventually distracted by Shikamaru showing up, because Sai is the only one of the Uzumaki kids that both understands board games and actually enjoys them. This isn't to say that Sai ditches anyone, but rather that Shikamaru takes one look at whatever the hell it is that Kiba and Naruto are cooking up, and then turns to Sai and asks to play something. Chōji follows them up until he runs into Juugo, and they… actually, they get along really well. Kakashi's not sure they've ever met before, but Chōji's listening to Juugo's enthusiastic description of the rare bird he came across the other day, so they're friends now, even if they weren't already.

Kakashi decides that Juugo and Shin are enough to keep an eye on things out here, and Karin will get shouty if they aren't, so he wanders back inside to mingle with the real adults.

(Kakashi is not a real adult. Kakashi is a fake adult. Karin was right about that.)

(Kakashi can barely figure out how to work the machines at a new laundromat when he has to switch for whatever reason. He is absolutely not a real adult.)

Shikaku and Chōza are pleasant company, and Sakura's come home and cleaned up by the time Kakashi gets inside, so she's hanging out with Kanna and Tsume, eating the little plate of meats and cheeses. Nara Yoshino and Akimichi Natsumi have joined them, thought Kakashi first sees Yoshino from the back and momentarily processes her as Hana, which is… wild.

Further attendees trickle in piecemeal. Sasuke shows up with a small bouquet, muttering something about how he'd asked Iruka-sensei what this sort of event entailed and had been told to bring flowers for the hostesses. Kakashi's pretty sure Sakura is about five seconds away from squealing over how cute that is until Kanna tells the kid that the rest of the kids are hanging out in the backyard and gives him a chance to ditch. Sakura buries her face in Kanna's shoulder and makes one of those 'oh my god I can't' noises that has Kanna just patting her head and looking amused.

"He brought us flowers."

"Yep. He's not the only one."

"He looked so embarrassed about it."

"Yes, dear."

"Kanna-chan—"

"We're not adopting another kid, we have five teens and preteens in the house," Kanna gripes.

Kakashi doesn't realize that Kurama isn't there until he spots a flash of deep scarlet outside, lifting Juugo up into a tree to… grab an injured bird.

Damn. Juugo's a fairytale prince, isn't he?

TenTen shows up with her dad next, and she also hands Sakura a bouquet and then immediately heads outside to muck around with the other kids. Jingyi is vaguely familiar, and Kakashi eventually places him as a member of Minato's generation that had retired after a leg injury a few months into chuunin-hood; the fact that he was a blacksmith now was about the only thing that Kakashi had remembered until he saw the man's face.

"Oh," Yoshino said, the pitch of her voice just enough to catch Kakashi's intention. "Is Naruto-kun wearing a skirt?"

Kakashi glances out the window. Yes. Yes, Naruto is indeed wearing a skirt.

"When did that happen?" Natsumi asks. "I could have sworn they were wearing pants when I showed up."

Kanna shrugs. "We planned two outfits in case Naruto decided to switch it up."

It's not quite an answer, but it's enough for nobody to bother pressing the issue, which isn't even really an issue.

When the Hyūga arrive, there's… almost? An awkward silence?

Except Tsume yells 'C'mere, you old bastard!' and completely destroys any sense of formality Hiashi might have tried to bring with him. Neji stares at Tsume like he's somewhat offended by her general existence, but also grateful at the fact that she shows absolutely zero hesitation in sticking his uncle in a friendly headlock and giving him a noogie.

Tsume and Hiashi weren't close enough in age to be on the same genin team, but they'd absolutely shared more missions than not back when Hiashi was still active.

"Inuzuka-san," Hiashi grits out, finally extracting himself from Tsume's grip and smoothing himself down. He doesn't even look flustered. There isn't a hair out of place. The man just got noogied, how the hell did he manage that? "Some decorum, please."

Tsume snorts. "As if."

Hiashi closes his eyes and rubs at his temples. "I suppose I hoped for too much."

Sakura looks between the two of them, sees no help coming from any other quarter, and crouches down to tell Neji, "If you want to escape, the rest of the kiddos are outside. I think Sai is playing a boardgame with Shikamaru-kun."

For all that Neji doesn't seem to appreciate, well, anything, he nods his thanks and exits through the back door.

Last of all: the Kazekage, his children, and—Baki, again. Apparently the kids' sensei.

"Kazekage-sama!" Sakura greets, bright and warm and fresh in a way nobody can match. She skips the bows and goes straight for shaking Rasa's hand like she dropped in from up north. "It's a pleasure to meet you at last! Kanna-chan and Kakashi-kun have told me so much about your hospitality in Suna. Thank you for your village taking care of them during the trip!"

"…indeed," Rasa says, seemingly overwhelmed. "As we are in a rather informal setting, I would be open to being addressed by name."

"I'm glad to hear it, Rasa-san!" Sakura says, still smiling in a way that seems just… impossibly genuine. Kakashi has no idea if it is. It might be. "Ah, your children! Temari-chan, Kankuro-kun, and Gaara-kun, right?"

The kids nod. Temari is, again, standing in front of her brothers like they need her to protect them, glaring suspiciously at Sakura despite the woman being as pleasantly inoffensive as a kunoichi could be.

"Hello, Sakura-san," Gaara says, and the other two mumble it as well. Rasa, to Kakashi's amusement, looks almost embarrassed by this.

"The rest of the kids are outside," Sakura tells them. "Let's see… Temari-chan, my eldest is up on the roof with a friend, I think. Kankuro-kun, you might like to talk to Nara Shikamaru, he's the one at the board games. And Gaara-kun, you should go find Naruto. Look for the blonde in bright orange. If anything goes wrong, Kurama-san is out there, okay? Ask him if you need help finding something or, I don't know, lose a kunai up a tree. We'll call you guys when it's time to eat."

The kids troop out, weaving between adults with Temari leading the march like she's heading into battle.

Sakura pops back up, the blinding smile back on her face, and says, "Baki-san, right? I've heard a lot about you, too. Why I don't I introduce you folks to some of the parents in the room? Come on, I'm sure they're dying to meet you!"

She seamlessly guides Rasa over towards where Shikaku and Chōza are, and Baki hesitates a moment before following. The hesitation is accompanied by some blinking. He looks like a stunned lemming, actually.

"Is she… always like that?" Baki asks.

Mm, not really.

"Yeah, pretty much," Kakashi tells him. "If you're not planning on following her, though, let me introduce you to Inuzuka Tsume."

Why the hell does nobody send Sakura on diplomatic missions?

#

Kanna is, like, the best wing-woman ever?

Kakashi's pretty sure she's helping him out so she can cash in on the bet, but that doesn't matter. Kanna sees opportunities and jumps on them, and the fact that their resting dynamic is 'aggressively friendly pettiness' means that nobody gets Weird Vibes off of it.

At one point, Rasa compliments the food like any polite guest would. Some of the table agrees. Kanna immediately and cheerfully tells them, "It was all Hatake."

"Maa, you did a solid portion of it," Kakashi deflects. "I just helped."

"You did a good sixty percent of the food," Kanna argued. "Take the compliment."

Tsume raps him over the head with her chopsticks, just like he did back when he was fifteen. "Kid, I've eaten your food since you started figuring out how to work a kitchen. I recognize your hand on half these dishes. Siddown."

Kakashi sighs. "Yes, ma'am."

She elbows him.

"Why were you so involved, if you don't mind me asking?" Jingyi is the one to posit the question.

"Because he practically lives here," Sakura mutters. She giggles at the look Kanna shoots her. "I mean, not literally, but Kakashi-kun and I have known each other for a long time, and he's a good friend of mine. When we first settled in Konoha and were still figuring out our schedules and whatnot, he was a big help with the kids. Since then… I dunno, most of the kids love him. He's good with them."

"Number one babysitter," Kanna confirms, "Even if Karin does bully him."

Kakashi chokes on a bit of rice. "Really, Kanna?"

"What? It's true. She undermines your authority at every turn and then I laugh when you call her a terrifying child," Kanna says.

"That tracks," Tsume tosses in.

"Being told that I fear her eventual takeover of the universe makes her happy," Kakashi argues. "Isn't that a good thing?"

"If only Shikamaru had that kind of ambition," Yoshino sighs. "Natsumi-chan, any advice?"

"Not in the slightest. Tell me if you find anything, though."

Things continue in that general vein for a while. Kakashi drifts in and out of the conversation as it passes; a lot of it is about the kids, who are eating in a few small groups over in the living room, visible from the dining table. None of them are alone, so at least nobody's being left out. Gaara, in particular, is clinging to Naruto in a way that seems to have multiple people sending annoyed, possibly jealous glances.

Neither of the baby Jinchuuriki seem to notice. It's astoundingly cute.

When it's time for dessert—something that was actually not Kakashi's responsibility, but rather brought over by Natsumi and Yoshino—the kids drift outside and the adults spread out. Kakashi ends up with the Uzumaki, the Suna duo, and the two widowers over in the living room. Jingyi and Hiashi are about as opposite on the spectrum of attendees as is possible tonight, but they're both fairly calm, polite men, and Hiashi seems glad to escape Tsume. The Nara and Akimichi stick by the dining room table, and Tsume is audible in how she keeps the conversation running on that end of the space.

Open floor plans are weird.

Kurama disappears into another room between one look and the next. Nobody really mentions it except Baki; 'he needs to get away from people for a bit, you know the type' and a knowing look from Sakura are enough to end the questions there.

It's pretty much exactly the kind of night that Kakashi would have expected a grown-up dinner part with parents to be like if someone had asked him. He's never been to one before, not even as a tagalong kid, but it's just… surprisingly easy? The prep was a little unnecessarily intense, but the actual evening flows pretty easily. Conversation isn't stilted, the kids are mostly-behaved, and—

Shin slams open the door from the kitchen to the backyard.

"ANEKI! NARUTO BROKE SPACE-TIME AGAIN!"

Gods damn it.