WARNINGS: discussions of shinobi mental health and canon-typical ethics/morality
The initial warning from the Hokage isn't quite true. Kakashi is allowed to talk about it to someone from outside that one specific room, as long as that person is Inoichi, and the reason is therapy.
Kakashi hated therapy as a kid. He hated grief counseling after Kannabi and the Sanbi and the Kyuubi attack. He hated a lot of things, but going to therapy was in the rules, and so Kakashi went.
Then he met Tenzō, and thought 'wow, this kid really needs therapy,' and Genma had smacked him upside the head and told him to take his own advice.
He'd done so, if grudgingly. He'd gone more frequently, tried to be honest, tried to actually be open enough about his problems to fix something in his head that had broken years ago and never quite got glued back together properly.
The real breakthrough, at least in Kakashi's opinion, was when Kurenai started her genjutsu specialization in preparation for eventually taking the Jounin exams.
She'd talked the ears off any agemate who would listen about the psychology and neurology courses she was taking at the hospital, the kinds of things that would let her play with the subtlest of changes in the brain, and Kakashi had listened. He'd asked questions. He'd asked if he was taking advantage of her, and she'd looked him straight in the eye and told him that she'd been hoping he'd talk to her about his shit for a literal decade.
After that, when Kurenai started her stint in the psych department, Kakashi had just… signed up with her. Immediately. A few people had told him that going to a friend, someone he was at least somewhat close to, was a bad idea, but Kakashi ignored them.
Kakashi had needed someone he already trusted with the bag of cats he called a brain.
And Kurenai was it.
These days, Kakashi's wrapped up in so many secrets that, even if Kurenai hadn't ended her time with the shrinks, he'd have had to go to Inoichi or someone on his level anyway. They'd all but stated that Inoichi was the only one to know, even in that department, where secrets ran like honeyed wine. Kurenai isn't on that clearance level. Kakashi is barely on that clearance level, and he's pretty sure that's a mistake on someone's part anyway. There are… probably other people like Inoichi, who are qualified and cleared, but Kakashi hasn't been pointed at them. He's a little worried about it, even, because Inoichi wears a million hats and somehow still has time to be a doting father, and Kakashi isn't sure when or where or how Inoichi sleeps. The man is running half of T&I, head of a clan, S-clearance shrink, occasionally runs field missions, trains for said missions, and owns-slash-manages a flower shop.
As a single father to a prepubescent kunoichi.
Kakashi fears his power.
(He still doesn't want to just talk to someone, but he's also aware that he's going to break like spun glass if he doesn't, and Inoichi is among the best.)
(Kakashi wants to process it alone, but there isn't time for that.)
(Kakashi's going to have to box it up and shove it away when it's time for the actual mission, and everyone knows it, but that's not a permanent solution. It never has been.)
#
Sitting on the back porch of the Uzumaki house isn't calming, but it's definitely comforting.
Kakashi doesn't really use the old terms anymore. He uses 'pack' for his ninken, not for his family or friends. He calls the children 'kids,' instead of pups or even 'young.' What instincts have survived the transition to village live and dwindling clan, he keeps rolled up tight and hidden in the back of his mind. The Inuzuka grow and live with their ninken, and still follow the old ways. They have the manpower, the culture, the respect. Kakashi is just one man, alone and with canis familiaris instead of…
Well. The last of the Hatake war wolves died in battle decades before Konoha was founded, back when they were still samurai, instead of shinobi.
Kakashi doesn't know if anyone told Kanna and Sakura just how accurate 'feral' really was, in his ANBU days.
He's not sure how many people can even see it in him.
(Tsume talks him through it, when it gets bad. Hot tea and his pack around him, with Kuromaru as a solid, weighty warmth next to them. They are wild clans, them and the Aburame, and Kakashi isn't sure anyone else would understand. The bridge between dogs and wolves is close, and that line is muddled with the size of the Inuzuka's ninken and the distant ends of the Hatake wolves.)
(Tsume gets it.)
Watching the Uzumaki's backyard, large and full of kids, Kakashi finds himself thinking of Karin and Naruto's hair-tugging brawl as a game of pups.
When all else fails, Kakashi can count on this to make him think the world might not be so bad.
They're kids. They're playing. War isn't currently on their doorstep and they get to grow up. The children of Root are free. Juugo is—
Juugo is standing right in front of Kakashi.
"Yo," Kakashi says, and it sounds normal to his ears.
"Hello, Kakashi-san," Juugo greets. There's a rabbit in his arms. It looks like a cloud. "Um. You seem sad."
"Do I?" Kakashi asks.
He's not sure if he's sad.
He mostly feels empty.
"I got some bad news recently," Kakashi finally decides to say. "And I'm still working on processing it."
Juugo nods slowly, and then comes and sits down next to Kakashi on the porch swing. He keeps holding the rabbit.
"I thought your main thing was the chickens," Kakashi says after a moment.
"Kanna-san and Sakura-nee-san said that I could branch out if I promised to do the care for them myself," Juugo says. He seems very proud. "Do you want to pet her?"
"Small animals tend to be scared of me," Kakashi warns. "I smell like dogs on a good day."
"Her name is Hitomi," Juugo says. "She's an angora rabbit,[1] and she doesn't think you're scary."
Kakashi looks down at the rabbit. She certainly doesn't smell nervous. Mostly, she looks content to just stay in Juugo's arms.
Kakashi reaches out and tries to pet her back, and his hands sink in.
"Wow," he says. "That's… a lot of fur. Why do they need that much fur?"
"They're bred for it," Juugo explains. "You shave them when it starts getting too hot for the full coat, and it's a specialty fiber."
"They don't mind?" Kakashi asks.
"Hitomi doesn't. Sayako likes me to shave her more often, though," Juugo says. "She overheats. It means I can't really use the fur for anything, but it makes her happy."
"I have no idea how to tell if a rabbit is upset unless they run away from me," Kakashi admits. "I can use my nose, but most people don't have that option."
Juugo looks down at Hitomi and smiles, clutching her closer. "I understand animals better than I understand humans. When they talk, I listen. Even with the bracelets, I can hear them."
Hm. Mildly terrifying, that, but which of the Uzumaki kids aren't?
"I'm glad you got to keep that," Kakashi says, and rubs a thumb into Hitomi's brow. The rabbit doesn't budge. "How's the veterinary classes?"
"Ah, well—" Juugo blushes. "I'm not very good at the chakra bits yet, because of—of everything, but I'm doing well in the other classes, with the anatomy and symptoms things, and they completely waived any need for animal-handling classes since I can just… talk to them, and ask."
"That's good," Kakashi says. "And… Tenzō's been visiting, right?"
"Aa."
"…do you have any friends your own age?" Kakashi asks. "Other than your siblings?"
"I have Kimimaro," Juugo says. He frowns. "He's… still very upset about being taken from Orochimaru, but I think he's thankful for the medical treatments, and for how you've all helped me."
Better than some of the kids. At least one freaked out so hard they nearly killed a guard, which… well.
Nobody wants to keep kids in prison, but they're at a loss of what else to do with some of them. Unlike Danzō and Root, the Oto kids can still dream of going back to Orochimaru, because Orochimaru is actually alive.
And pissed.
(Orochimaru's village, more than any other, is a cult.)
(The kids don't even realize that what they underwent was abuse.)
(Some were happy to be free, but some are just so damn loyal, and it would break his heart if he had any heart left to spare.)
"Sai finally figured out that Shin was having trouble making friends with his genin team," Juugo says, jolting Kakashi out of his thoughts.
"And?"
"Sai is friends with Yamanaka Ino and Aburame Shino," Juugo says, and smiles down at Hitomi, not quite seeing her. "So they bullied their cousins into bringing their team to train with Shin's."
Kakashi remembers Shino and Ino mentioning their Root cousins back during the flowers incident with Kanna.
In hindsight, maybe that's why Sai ended up befriending them instead of more people in Karin's class.
"Did it work?"
"I think they all understand each other better now," Juugo says, carding slowly through Hitomi's fur with his fingers. "Because Shin's teammates just thought he was odd, but Torune and Fu still act like Root, and so does Shin, a little, so they're all… um… I think Ino said that their actions inform the behavior of each other in the eyes of observers."
Seriously, how does Inoichi manage?
"I think their teachers said they'd be training their teams together more often now," Juugo offers. "Since Shin and Torune and Fu are all good for each other, and they can demonstrate tactics that their teammates are still learning, since they're all more advanced than they should be."
"That sounds promising," Kakashi tells him. "I've been worried about Shin."
"Me too," Juugo admits.
#
He stays in the guest room that night, unable to sleep calmly for the anxiety of what they're doing in a few days, knowing that he'll ultimately be of less use if he's sleep-deprived running up to it. He'll be seeing Obito for the first time in a decade, and Kakashi doesn't know if that's why his Sharingan itches and weeps as he lays in bed. Maybe Obito knows that Kakashi will be there, and rages at him for what he's done. Maybe it's psychosomatic.
Maybe Kakashi just needs to get a glass of water and calm down.
He pads through the house on silent feet, down a flight of stairs and into the kitchen, but pauses at the doorway.
He'd gone to sleep early.
Kanna and Sakura hadn't.
There's a song playing, so low that he couldn't even hear it from upstairs, and the two women are dancing together. Even at the low amplitude, the song is sweet and soft and bouncy, and they smile as the hold hands loosely and step about the floor. Swing, he's heard it called, something common in the Land of Lightning, less so in Earth, and downright unpopular in Fire and the rest.
He's not sure where they learned it, or why, but it's nice. Calming, in its own way, like watching the kids.
Sakura catches his eye over Kanna's shoulder at one pass, and smiles at him. There's a twirl and a dip, and they're so in sync that Kakashi's mind flashes to Minato and Kushina.
They're so in love that Kakashi's heart is going to melt out of his chest.
They're so perfect that Kakashi's lungs seize for a frantic moment.
Sakura spins out of Kanna's arms and takes Kakashi's hands. She pulls him to the center of the room, and while Kakashi doesn't know these dances, his body moves to match her. A beat is easy enough to follow, even if the steps elude him.
"Couldn't sleep?" She asks, and the light in her eyes is so very kind.
Not pity, he thinks.
"Came to get some water," he admits. "And my eye keeps itching."
"Mm," she hums, and spins him. She frowns minutely at his closed eye, head tilted. "I can take a look, if you'd like. It does look irritated."
"I'd appreciate it," Kakashi says, and then the song changes. Slower. Warmer. Kanna is standing over by the player, an old-fashioned thing for vinyl discs through a flaring horn.
She smirks at him, and he feels Sakura tugs him into a more familiar position.
These steps, he knows. Still northern, more Earth than Lightning, this time. Land of Birds, too, if he remembers correctly. "A waltz?"
She smiles at him and flutters her lashes like a schoolgirl, teasing and innocent. "You know it?"
Kakashi turns her across the room, steps far more sure than a minute ago. "I needed it, once. A mission. I'm surprised I even remember how it goes."
Sakura laughs, bright but quiet in the midnight of the house.
He doesn't know why she's awake, though he's certain Kanna, at least, just needs less sleep than most people. He doesn't question it. Sakura's schedule is even more erratic than most shinobi, shifting with the needs of the injured. She'll be ready for the mission at hand regardless.
She tucks her head to his chest and leans in as the song changes again, slower still, and they lose the practiced steps of the named dances. They sway from side to side, and Kakashi spots Kanna on the couch, watching them with an expression he can only label as indulgent. He closes his eye, lets his chin rest on Sakura's hair, and lets himself breathe. She smells like strawberry shampoo and a sharp, near-hidden undertone of antiseptic.
He doesn't think he's in love, not yet, but he thinks he does love these women. There's potential there, for romance, but he's not going to take that step. No matter what everyone seems to think of him, of them, he's actually content right now. If he just keeps being a friend, that's honestly fine.
He thinks he's made it to being part of the family anyway, and that's all he needs. Wanting more, perhaps, but all he needs is… pack.
They're pack.
Family.
"Get over here and sit down so we can take a look at that eye," Kanna calls over, quiet as everything so far has been. They don't want to wake the kids.
Kakashi clutches a little closer at the woman in his embrace, unwilling to leave the warmth and safety of the moment. The late hour has a magic over it, wrapped in soft edges and quiet song, the half-sleeping energy of the night. Dancing in pajamas and sleeping yukata.
Still, when Sakura pulls back, he lets her. She smiles up at him, gets up on tiptoes to press a kiss to his cheek, and then sweeps into the kind of curtsy that comes with these northern styles. "Thank you for the dance, good sir."
Kakashi's sure he's blushing under the mask, but he sweeps into a northern bow of his own. "But of course, my good lady."
She giggles, hand to her mouth, and pulls him over to the couch for an impromptu medical session. "Now, let's see that eye."
#
"Do you hate him?"
Kakashi waits for Kurama to look up from whatever he was reading—a treatise on Wind Country polytheism in isolated communities—before he offers up a smile that only reaches his eyes.
Kurama closes the book, sets it to the side, and rolls his eyes. "Come again?"
"Do you hate him?"
Kurama eyes him for a moment, then leans back in the couch to smack a fist against the wall and engage the privacy seals. "This about Obito?"
Who else?
"Yeah."
Kurama pinches the bridge of his nose, shallow as it is, and then gets to his feet. "We're not doing this without tea."
"Wouldn't have taken a bijuu for—"
"Ha—Sakura's fault," Kurama grunts. "And I thought we were past that."
"We're past nothing," Kakashi tells him, cheer in every word. "I'm a miserable little pile of anxiety and guilt right now. Have been for years, obviously, but everything's a goddamn mess right now, and my brain is a game of whack-a-mole on which exact trauma is popping up in my nightmares."
Kurama eyes him again.
Kakashi smiles harder.
"Okay," Kurama says. "You've been talking to that Yamanaka?"
"Aa," Kakashi says. "Every day. I don't know where he gets the time, but I'm sure they don't want me breaking before the big day."
Kurama shakes his head. "Right. Okay. Just… stay there until we have something hot to drink."
"Not sake?"
"I'm not pairing booze with feelings," Kurama says, abject disgust in every word. "I've seen what that shit does to people, and for all that this body is a chakra construct, it's still Uzumaki."
"I don't recall Kushina having any issues with alcohol," Kakashi says.
"She was a Jinchuuriki," Kurama stresses. "Her never getting properly drunk was my doing, and it wasn't in every branch anyway. But enough of them have that addiction risk that I'm not any readier to play with it than Kanna is."
Ironic, Kakashi thinks. Every country on the continent has a stereotype that Uzumaki have wildly high tolerances. It might even be true, but the addiction risk is…
"That what happened to Tsunade?" Kakashi asks idly.
"Not my place to say," Kurama says. "Even if I knew, which I don't. There are way more complicating factors than just genetic risk, and she's only a quarter Uzumaki anyway."
"Did Mito—"
Kurama shoves a mug of hot water at him. "What tea do you want?"
"You didn't answer—"
"Hatake. Shut up. You had an actual question that didn't have to do with addiction in bloodlines. Pick a tea."
Kakashi picks a tea.
They sit in the living room, privacy seals a-thrumming, and Kakashi cradles his tea.
"Why do you want to know?" Kurama asks.
Kakashi shrugs. "You were more directly impacted than almost anyone, right?"
"Arguably," Kurama says. "But why do you want to know?"
Kakashi doesn't have an answer for that.
"Okay," Kurama says. "You want to know if I hate Obito. I'm guessing this is because you want to believe there's still something redeemable about him, even after everything he's done, and for some reason you think the giant fox monster's opinion counts here."
Rude.
"Don't give me that look, I can say it about myself," Kurama chides. "I'm guessing you're also expecting me to sugarcoat less than Sakura does. And Kanna's busy playing god so she can raise the dead."
Well, yes.
"You sure you shouldn't have been stuck with a Yamanaka?" Kakashi asks.
Kurama snorts. "I'm old, that's all there is to it."
"Mm."
"And the empathic sensing."
Right. That.
Kurama waits, and Kakashi feels the eyes on him.
"I don't hate him," Kurama finally says. "I don't like him, but I don't hate him. I was a raging asshole after my sealing, and I've had centuries to build up a personality before that. Obito got mixed up with Madara and Zetsu, has a partial control seal on his heart, and was, what, fourteen when that happened?"
Kakashi feels the tension in his shoulders loosen a little.
"I still think he's a shitty person," Kurama cautions. "He's caused atrocities, even if the plans stem back to someone else. I don't think I'll ever be friends with him, but judging him for going crazy under manipulations and a bad seal, then killing thousands without forgiving him would be like judging Shukaku for the same thing, which…"
Kakashi can feel his face doing something odd.
"Yeah," Kurama says. "I'm not necessarily the best person to talk to about this. My tolerance for murder is probably a lot higher than the average person's. Bit of a 'your approval fills me with shame' situation, isn't it?"
Well.
Well, no, but—
"I don't know what to think," Kakashi says. "Everything is… on a scale these things usually aren't."
It's a kind way to say that Obito's technically behind the biggest tragedy in recent Konoha history.
Kurama shrugs. "Too late to change that, isn't it?"
"Probably."
Kurama grins, fangs on display, and Kakashi's tempted to pull down his mask just to show his own off. "Yeah, so don't beat yourself up for anything he does. You didn't know shit. The only people who did are Obito, my steaming pile of rotted dicks of an uncle, and… Kisame, probably."
"Kisame? Hoshigaki Kisame?" Kakashi questions.
"They're a bit… chummy," Kurama says carefully.
Kakashi ignores the pun. "And how do you—"
"You don't want to know."
He kind of does, actually? But also, that's usually code for 'if you keep pressing, I'm going to get upset' in this house, so he leaves it alone.
He's starting to get uncomfortable, actually. For all that Kakashi had been content to let sleeping dogs lie as far as the Uzumaki house's secrets went, so long as the Hokage was aware and signing off on it, this stuff is starting to affect him way more directly than anticipated.
His skin itches with it.
"Think of it this way," Kurama says, and Kakashi's attention snaps back in. "How many lives could he save if you convince him to fuck over Zetsu?"
Obito was powerful enough to fight Minato-sensei and win at, what, fifteen? Sixteen, maybe? How much has he improved since then?
"Not much of a thing to say when he's already killed so many, is it?" Kakashi asks. "When your inaction saves that many lives, then—"
"You're a ninja," Kurama scoffs.
Kakashi stills.
"When in your entire life has saving all lives been the goal?" Kurama presses. "How many assassination missions, Hatake?"
Kakashi flinches.
"If inaction saving lives means a person is bad, then congrats, you're throwing every ANBU friend you have under the bus. You kill people. That is your job. If you stopped doing your job, and became inactive, would that save lives?"
"Someone else would take the mission," Kakashi points out.
Kurama's glare drips with disdain. "Don't give me that. This entire system is broken and you know it. You—gah. Humans."
He spits the word, and Kakashi shifts uncomfortably.
"Inaction saving lives is basically the entire shinobi system. The schools create soldiers and monsters, and old men in their ivory towers send children to die, and the children do it because they're convinced it's the only way. You think if every shinobi in the major countries went on strike as a war started, if they chose to be inactive, collectively, how many lives would that save?"
Kakashi shifts again. He doesn't meet Kurama's eyes.
"Did more people die when I broke free of Kushina's seal, or in the Third War?"
The Third War. By a factor of ten, at least.
"But that was an entire system—"
"An entire system that made Obito what he is," Kurama stresses. "Humans don't turn into monsters out of nowhere. Some do it because they enjoy the pain of others, sure. There are civilians that engage in crimes beyond most shinobi just because it nets them some cash. But with shinobi, half the time you're all just broken. And then whoever picks up the pieces and starts welding gets to do it in whatever shape they want."
"You're a pacifist," Kakashi realizes. "The Kyuubi no Kitsune is a pacifist."
Kurama raises an eyebrow. "No shit. Ya think?"
What the fuck.
"My father was the Sage of the Six Paths," Kurama reminds him. "I don't know why you people keep forgetting that. I might enjoy some violence, but wars tend to just be… human stupidity."
There's a lot that Kakashi could say there.
How Kurama doesn't need to eat, so he's never dealt with Sunagakure's need to start a war just because resources are that scarce.
(Except Kurama's already said he supports collective action; he'd just say that the Daimyo should be doing his job and funneling money and food to his army.)
How Kurama's so big and powerful that he doesn't have to deal with needing to grow as strong as possible to project what matters most.
(Except Kurama's been sealed three or four times now, and knows exactly what it is to feel powerless.)
How Kurama's never dealt with the knowledge that even if one's own 'old man in the ivory tower' isn't keen on war, he has to be ready for it because the one on the other end of the continent might launch an attack that they can't afford to just ignore.
(Except Kurama's already said that the solution there is to refuse to fight.)
"We can't just ignore a kage," Kakashi finally says. "If the head of state pushes for a war, we can't ignore that. They're usually the most powerful person in the village. You could try to argue that a full rebellion would be able to prevent a theoretical war, but when the person in charge is the person that can kill the most people, you don't always have the option of just not doing what they tell you. That works for civilians, maybe, but shinobi are ruled by strength."
"Yeah. The system's fucked. I already told you that."
Kakashi leans back, throws an arm over his eyes, and groans. "The Kyuubi is a pacifist that supports collective action and dislikes military dictatorships."
"I mean, I'm not exactly advertising for communes, I just think human wars are stupid as hell."
"Some things suddenly make so much more sense," Kakashi says. "And some not at all. Why do we have records going back at least six hundred years calling you a chaos entity?"
Kurama snorts, and Kakashi lifts his arm enough to look at the man. "Because I don't follow human standards of chaos vs. order. Entropy is a thing. Like I said, I don't oppose violence in and of itself. I've been a natural disaster and killed plenty in that role. But wars aren't chaos. They have a point, but the point is dumb as shit."
"So…"
"Humans can kill each other all they want, I just don't like it when something forces something else to do the killing," Kurama says. "If nothing else, because I've been in the position of 'controlled by someone I hate into doing something I don't want to do,' on more than one occasion."
Obito, Madara, and… what, probably something with the whole Juubi thing he talked about?
Kakashi lets his arm drop back down. "I can't believe the Kyuubi is a pacifist."
"Only technically," Kurama reminds him. "I will absolutely still bite, cut, and occasionally incinerate people who piss me off."
"The Kyuubi is a pacifist."
"You can stop saying it now," Kurama says flatly. "It's literally just 'wars are dumb and pointless and get kids killed,' that is not a complicated or radical stance."
Kakashi whines plaintively. "You're breaking my worldview."
"I could break your kneecaps instead, if that suits you better," Kurama offers.
Kakashi lifts his head enough to pout.
"Listen, did you get what you wanted out of this conversation?" Kurama demands. "I've got to go to the Academy to pick up the brats."
"I don't even know anymore," Kakashi whines harder. "I think you just broke my brain."
"For fuck's sake," Kurama grumbles. "I think I preferred it when you were being a depressed drama queen. This is just annoying."
"You found the depression annoying, too."
"I find everything annoying. You're not special."
Kakashi pouts a little more, and Kurama throws a pillow at his face.
It's not exactly what he came for, but at least he's gotten a bit of a distraction. That's good, right?
[1] If Texas can exist in canon, then so can Ankara. Or you can call it translation convention. Either way, fluffy as heck.
A/N: I absolutely went and commissioned Kanna as a foxgirl from THE best chibi artist I know, foxyjoy. It makes me so happy? They're all so adorable?
Find and reblog from my tumblr (phoenixyfriend), post URL number 630260043577737216 (since I can't actually link on here).