Hello, thank you for your reviews, which make me smile endlessly and just inspire me so much. So much so I keep being extra and posting 2 chapters at a time. (Just over 8k in these two, sorry!)
Hailey left the bar when it closed reluctantly. Not without considering ways that she as Paula could try to find out what was happening.
Marcie had disappeared for most of the time till closing after Jay had walked through the door though. And there were no alternatives. None of the regulars were sober enough to monitor the bar for even two minutes.
Ten minutes before closing time and Marcie had returned, urging everyone to leave because the snow was falling more heavily. Avoiding eye contact with Hailey the whole time.
She'd ushered Hailey out of the door quickly and in a way that could only raise Hailey's suspicions more.
Now it's almost 4am and there's no sign of Jay. There's nothing to suggest he's in trouble. Nothing aside from the fact that every other time a meeting had finished since Hailey had gone in as Paula, he'd gone back to the bar.
Then again, tonight or last night had been or meant to be, anyway, the time where Jay had expected to have to reveal painful memories so perhaps Jay had just wanted to leave.
It's odd he's not messaged her to tell her he's okay. Or is it? It's where them not knowing each other so well comes in. Is it normal or not?
She falls into an uneasy sleep. Though not for long. A message alert sounds loudly around thirty minutes later and she opens one eye, reaching for the phone and opening the other to look at it.
It's an unknown number with a brief message.
700 N Campbell Ave. Alley on the left side.
Hailey holds the phone up to her ear as she dials it and gets out of bed. She gets a message saying the phone is out of service. A burner phone, probably. It does little to dispel her nerves as she pulls on a pair of jeans, a sweater, a jacket and scarf and a pair of boots as quickly as she can.
The night is crisp though thankfully not too cold and there's no hint of snow in the air now. Still, she turns on the heater in the car and shivers involuntarily as she starts the engine and pulls away, checking behind her in the mirrors for any sign of a tail but there is none.
North Campbell Ave is nearly 4 miles away from Hailey's studio and given it's night, she gets to the address in a little over ten minutes.
She pulls up close to the address on the text in front of a garage and peers down the alley; the street lights illuminating the alley a little in the darkness.
Hailey doesn't have to walk far before she sees someone's feet in between two trash cans. She approaches them quickly, knowing already who she'll find.
Jay's sitting up, or more appropriately, is slumped against a garage. As she crouches down next to him, she's relieved at least that Jay's wearing his jacket. That he's shivering too.
"Jay?" she gently taps his face and his eyes half open.
He blinks at Hailey, mumbles something that sounds like, "Erin?" and blinks again as he looks toward the direction of the street and its lights. Hailey thinks he's about to speak, but he groans and his face crumples as he cries quietly.
"Jay, it's okay," she gently brushes the tear away from his cheek, half expecting him to push her hand away. Too intimate a gesture perhaps, but he doesn't, he seems barely aware she's doing it.
He sighs, but it turns into a shiver again.
It's doing him no good being here in the cold so mind made up, Hailey whispers, "Jay, I'm going to get you into the car and back to my place. You can warm up there."
He blinks at her.
"You understand what I said, right?"
"Yeah, yeah," he mumbles in reply.
It takes 5 minutes. 5 minutes of going back down memory lane in her early days of being a cop, helping drunk people to their feet. Drunk people normally much larger than her. And heavier.
It gets easier the closer they get as Jay seems to become a little more aware and doesn't lean so heavily on Hailey.
He's able to get himself into the car pretty much by himself too. He's quiet in the car back to Hailey's apartment. Head leaning against the window, his eyes closed, and he makes it up to the apartment without too much help. Hailey hovering next to him in case he stumbles or falls.
Ten minutes later and Jay's on the couch, hands wrapped around a mug as Hailey fills hers and sits down next to him, feeling his forehead with the back of her hand.
"Mom used to do that all the time," he murmurs, his eyes closed as he leans his head back.
"Just checking you didn't have a fever."
"I don't."
"No, you don't. What happened Jay? You don't have alcohol on your breath or not a lot, anyway. How d'you wind up there?"
Jay shrugs, his eyes still closed before he opens them again, though it looks like a monumental effort to open them.
"I can't remember anything. Last thing I remember is driving in the van, vague memories of being in the bar. Everything's hazy after that. At least we have the wire, right?"
"Yeah," she agrees then after a moment of thinking adds, "Maybe we should get you to Med?"
Jay's eyes fly open at that as he shakes his head vigorously and his voice rises, "And risk blowing the op? No way."
"Okay. But something made you forget everything, and it doesn't seem like alcohol, so what if it's something else? We could call Will or we should call Voight or someone instead."
Jay yawns, shaking his head again, "Not Will, I don't want him involved and whatever it is it can wait."
Hailey wants to tell him that there's a chance it won't. She also wants to tell him she's concerned, but she doesn't. Instead, she lets it go, for now, "You should sleep."
"Time is it?"
"It's almost 5am."
Jay rises, "I should go. I have to be out delivering by 10am."
Hailey shakes her head, "Not today you don't Jay, or at least not this morning. Sleep, use the bed. I'll sleep right here."
He looks ready to argue but his shoulders slump and he nods, a grateful smile emerging on his face.
"Thanks."
"If you need the bathroom you remember where it is, right?"
Jay raises his hand to acknowledge her but doesn't look back, she watches him as he walks, his head down, to the side of the bed nearest to the window and almost collapses onto it. Not bothering to move the covers or slide under them.
He just lies on top of the bed. Within two or three minutes, she can hear him snoring softly, but as she closes the blinds, she can see him shiver slightly every few seconds. Hailey walks to the wardrobe and stretches her arms upwards pulling down 2 blankets, closes the wardrobe and walks over to the bed, unfolding 1 of the blankets, placing the other between her legs and laying the unfolded blanket gently on top of Jay. Smiling as she sees the shivering ease.
She walks back to the couch turning off the lights along the way as she wraps the blanket around her, lays her head on a cushion on the couch, stretches her legs out and shuts her eyes.
Hailey had managed ten minutes of sleep before old memories had come back to haunt her.
Memories and nightmares that reemerge every time she's under some level of stress and worry. One face that she doesn't want to forget but wishes she could remember differently and without those who always accompany him, the face that turns it into a nightmare each time.
Jay had a fitful sleep. Occasionally making sounds of distress, though never enough to warrant Hailey's intervention.
In the time Jay was asleep, she'd called Voight. She's already bracing herself for being the bearer of unwelcome news.
When Jay wakes and gets out of bed, he doesn't look her in the eyes at first. Instead, he walks slowly past her to the farthest point away on the couch and sits down, his head low.
"Get you a drink?" Hailey asks.
Jay shakes his head and sighs, "I feel like I should remember what happened but I don't. Instead, I'm left here feeling like I got run over by a truck. You know I've felt helpless a bunch of times before. This, though? It's different. Reminds me more of."
His voice trails off. He looks away into the distance. Hailey says nothing, allowing him the space to talk or even think quietly, then Jay starts again.
"Still, at least the wire'll give us what we need, right? Time, is it? Can we check in? Find out."
Hailey frowns. There's no sugarcoating this. No painless way to tell him.
"The wire cut out almost immediately after you went downstairs. Interference. All they got was a lot of screeching and feedback. We got nothing useful, Jay."
She waits for the anger. The frustration. It's almost worse when it doesn't come and Jay's eyebrows arch upwards slightly for a second before his shoulders slump and he chews at his lip.
"You think they made me?"
Hailey had thought about this, the possibility. Had discussed it with Voight, "No. I just think whatever it was, a technical issue or something with the wire, we were unlucky. I think if they'd made you or me, we'd still be looking for you or maybe we'd all be starting to worry right about now."
Jay's quiet as he absorbs her words and nods, seemingly in agreement, "Why can't I remember, Hailey? Did I drink that much? I have brief flashes. Little pockets of memory. I remember feeling euphoric at some point. I don't think I ever lost full consciousness, I was just out of it."
"Perhaps it was drugs?"
"Yeah. I have this vague memory of you earlier saying we should've gone to med. You were right, or we should have called Will or Voight."
"I already did. Call Voight, I mean. That's how I know about the wire. I wanted them to see if they could find anything out about the number that texted me to tell me the address to go where I found you."
Jay's eyes open wider and he looks at Hailey properly for the first time, "Oh?"
"Yeah. Not a number I recognized. Turns out it's a burner phone."
"Paula's number," At Hailey's nod confirmation, he asks, "Who has Paula's number?"
"Anyone with access to the form Marcie had me fill out the day I started."
"So, Flynn, Barnet, Price."
"Yeah, also Hunt and Marcie."
"Marcie? Really and Hunt, he's likely to be dead."
"Except, we don't have a body," Hailey points out, "And no, probably not Marcie but she has access and whoever it was didn't want us to find out who they were and they had had access to a burner phone."
"Yeah, so what'd Voight say?"
"Well once, he finished yelling at me for not taking you to med, he said that Kev and Adam will see Healey tomorrow at his home, he's agreed even though it's Thanksgiving and Voight wants to see you tomorrow too. They'll give you a new wire."
"Ok," Jay acknowledges, "The lawyer?"
"That's right."
"And Thanksgiving, wait, did I imagine that Marcie invited you and me to her place for it?"
"No, you didn't. It's good that your memories are returning."
Jay only looks half convinced, "Yeah."
"What's up?"
"Let's say they drugged me, let's say we're right, and they did this stuff for months with some of these guys. Why was that? Was it to get me or them to reveal more? Is it just as simple as getting them to a place of reliance on them and never questioning it till their bodies could take no more? What if I said too much? What if what I talked about wasn't what I planned to talk about?"
Hailey gets it. She understands his concern, hears all his questions because they're questions she's asked herself, "And what if what you talked about is something you buried so deep that only being drugged could drag it up again. This euphoria made you extra vulnerable, you felt bulletproof but what now, what if the memory suddenly hits you?"
He exhales heavily and murmurs quietly, "Something like that, yeah."
"Could've been Babur and Tabssum?" Hailey tries gently.
Jay's laugh is hollow, "That is one of the worst memories but it's not even halfway the worst they could drag out of me."
Jay stands up, discomfort at the direction the conversation's taking clear, "So, should I get tested or?"
"Yeah, though if I'm right about what they used, it won't be in your system anymore."
Jay narrows his eyes, "Thinking what I'm thinking? GHB?"
"Yeah."
"Could already be untraceable given the time," Jay says glancing towards the clock, "Still worth a shot?"
"Yeah, which is why you got to pee in this," she picks up a container in a clear plastic bag.
"Just something you had lying around, Upton?" Jay questions, his tone a little lighter despite the seriousness of the situation as he takes the bag from her.
Hailey smiles, "What can I say? This apartment has an unusually exorbitant amount of screw top containers and it's also sterile as I bought some bleach when I first moved in."
"It's like you're MacGyver, Hailey," Jay teases.
"Shut up, Jay, and go fill the container like an obedient boy."
Jay mock salutes and walks away, his head a little higher but stops, holding the bag up and pointing at the label on the container with his name and date of birth on it "How d'you know when my birthday was, Hailey?"
"Due diligence, Jay."
He makes an impressed sound before he moves off again and Hailey hears the bathroom door shut before it opens again and he shouts, "I'll take a shower too. I smell like crap."
Ten minutes later, and Jay comes out, looking better and holding the bag.
"So, who'll take it where it can be analyzed?"
Hailey walks over to him from the kitchenette and holds out her hand taking the bag from Jay, "That would be me."
"What if someone follows you?"
"Well, I'll tell Marcie that I had to have a pregnancy test which came back negative."
"Pregnancy? That's a little extreme."
"It'd be more extreme if it were you saying it."
"True," Jay replies and they share a smile before Hailey glances at the clock.
"I gotta go. Are you okay?"
Jay looks away again, his gaze distant before it returns to Hailey and he looks exhausted again, "It's like we got blindfolds on now. The most crucial part of the entire case so far and technology failed us, but I guess yeah, I'm in one piece. I suppose that counts for something, right?"
"It does Jay," she assures him then continues, "You had anything from Barnet telling you to get to work today?"
Jay pulls the phone from his pocket and shakes his head, "No. I will work this afternoon though. Do what I'm supposed to do. None the wiser, figure Ryan would be a little confused but put it down to too much to drink or something like that."
"You shouldn't drive today even if it is out of your system."
"I'll deliver with Barnet or see what he says, anyway."
"Okay, and I'll find out from Marcie about tomorrow and let you know, stay here as long as you need to, get a cab back to your place and sleep or go to work and I'll see you tomorrow."
Jay nods his agreement, watching as Hailey puts on her jacket, and pulls the hair bobble from her wrist and ties her hair up in a ponytail and then wraps the scarf around her neck, as a thought which had occurred to him earlier comes back.
"Hey, what do we do or how do we act if Price or someone tailed us. What if whoever contacted you via the burner wasn't doing it for good? What if they see you leaving here and me a few minutes later?"
Hailey picks up her bag, placing the bag containing the urine sample into it carefully and stops next to Jay, "Well perhaps we act like Marcie got her wish."
She touches his arm for a moment, a half-smile on her face for a fraction of a second before it's gone and she's walking toward the door. Jay's gaze follows her the whole way.
"Hailey?"
She turns as she opens the door, "Yeah."
"Thanks for having my back. Looking out for me. Owe you one, a coffee."
Hailey recognizes his words for the attempt at lightening the mood it is. A need to return to some normalcy, perhaps.
"You don't but I'll take it when it comes, Jay. Stay safe, okay?"
Jay holds his hand up to wave to her even though the door's already closed and whispers, "You too Hailey, you too."
Jay had taken a cab back to his apartment, had another shower to attempt to revive himself. To try to reawaken his mind enough to remember.
He'd been about to call Barnet and ask where if they needed him, but the other man had beaten him to it, sending a curt message.
Take today off Foster.. Be ready next week.
Jay had been half relieved but also anxious. Anxious still about the multiple missing parts of the jigsaw. Feeling the need to sleep but nervous about what could happen when he did.
It's Thursday now. Thanksgiving. A few miles away from where Jay is, the thanksgiving day parade is starting. Once upon a time it had been a source of excitement. Just a kid desperate to tuck into the Turkey and the rest of the food which could've fed a small army never mind a family of 4. Right before the broken parts of his parents' relationship became crystal clear to him. When he was old enough to try to shield his mother from the worst of it. When he'd help her cut the meat because his dad was too busy drinking.
Today it could almost be another day. He's early again. Waiting for Voight to arrive. He'd left the thermos on the counter, forgetting it. Consumed as he'd been by the fragments of memory that had resurfaced in his sleep.
He can remember now that Flynn hadn't been there. Or at least not before the lights had gone out. Not that Jay thinks he entirely lost consciousness. Only lost his balance and ending up on the floor.
He can recall the euphoria and the confusion. He can recall the faces he'd seen. That's not so different from his nightmares prior to this though, and that's part of the problem. Jay's been dealing with the impact of everything that's gone before for so long it's hard to separate the what just happened to the what's constantly in his head, anyway.
Jay's been under duress before and been able to withstand it. He's been able to ward off the worst memories and do his job.
The way this is different? It's that he's always been able to control it before. He'd like to believe it was the same this time. It's the not knowing that's doing the damage. If it was drugs, it's the loss of control that's hardest, it's what brings forward the fears, the memories he hopes he didn't share involuntarily but are coming forth with that fear, anyway.
Voight arrives right on time. Along with Olinsky.
Two minutes later and Jay stands in front of them. Their scrutiny of him is obvious. It's been a while since he saw Voight, less time since he saw Olinsky. Jay doesn't think he's changed in this time, doesn't believe he's been overwhelmed or taken on the persona of Ryan to the point where his sergeant would want to pull him even allowing for this week's events.
"You ok, Jay?" Voight asks, his eyes searching Jay's.
"Yeah, a night of sleep helped."
Jay's not lying about the first part, and he is okay. Okay, as a definition in a dictionary means: satisfactory, not especially good, and that's the very definition of Jay currently.
He catches the skeptical reaction and glance that Al and Voight share and bristles slightly so his next words are sharper, angrier than he intended them to be.
"What happened with the wire? Thought it was meant to be good, modern. Yet it failed right at the most important time."
"Yeah, we're frustrated too, Jay," Al's so patient, so damn calm as he steps forward, handing Jay a new device, "It'll work next time, we tested this one yesterday. Ruzek, Atwater and I spent over an hour testing it and it works."
Jay almost questions whether they tested the last one. He's not that angry though. Not at Al or Voight or intelligence as a whole. He looks down at the device, accepting Al's words, "Ok," hesitantly he asks the next question, "Did the lab results come back yet?"
Voight and Al share another glance and Voight steps back, allowing Al to reply.
"There was nothing."
Jay shakes his head, throws his hands up in the hair and turns away. It's not a surprise, but it's still a blow. If they could catch one break, that would be something. Instead, it's setback after setback.
He feels a hand on the small of his back and Al's quiet voice.
"Walk with me, kid."
Jay's frustration has him wanting to walk but away from Olinsky and Voight. Get in his car and get away from here. To rail against everything but Al's always had what are like cosmic powers to calm a situation. Not that Al isn't terrifying at times. Not that he's not formidable. He even is here, but he's formidable in a way this morning for Jay that he relaxes even as he falls into the first couple of steps alongside the older man.
"Not so long ago, wires breaking down was an everyday part of the job. Part of being undercover. We still got the job done."
"You ever think you got drugged and yet there's no proof? So you start to question if you lost your mind?"
"Are we talking recreationally or for the job?"
It feels good to laugh, even though it's a choked sort of sound. Al stops walking and his hand on Jay's arm stops him too.
"For what it's worth, the lab said that if you were drugged. If they put GHB in your drink, you wouldn't have known any different until it took effect. And they would've chosen that particular drug for the very reason it doesn't stay in your system long enough for it to still show up much later than early the following morning."
Jay nods.
"Upton told Voight you said you can remember feeling euphoric at one point. That fits too. Kid, this sucks, but we're getting closer."
Jay frowns, dragging a hand across his chin, "I hate that it's like they have the upper hand. That they know more than me. I want to be certain I went with the memory I'd rehearsed. The one that was safest, but what if I didn't?"
"And what if you did? Jay, everything went against us, you, this time. Next time it won't."
"Can I borrow a little of that optimism from you, man?"
Al smiles, warm, "You don't need it. You're doing a great job. You think Voight would be so hands off if you weren't," the older man sobers, "We're concerned, watchful, but we trust you. Don't be so hard on yourself."
Jay returns the smile, "They should give everyone a bit of Olinsky when times are hard."
"I only save it for those who warrant it the most," Al looks over his shoulder to Voight who's watching them, "You ready to walk back? We can talk more though if you need to. It's Thanksgiving, all I got is staring at the TV and trying not to remember Lexi."
"Al, I'm sorry."
Al taps Jay's cheek gently for a moment and shakes his head, "Never say sorry for something you don't have to say sorry for, kid."
"How are you going to spend the rest of today?" Jay asks quietly.
"At least some of it with him trying to drink ourselves into a place where we can forget what and who we've lost," Olinsky gestures toward Voight and shakes his head at Jay's sympathetic expression waving it away.
They walk together back towards Voight, but Olinsky halts.
"Both by the way."
Jay narrows his eyes, confused.
"Recreationally and professionally. The drug thing, that is. I'll tell you about it when all this is over."
"You should write a book."
"No one'd buy that it's all true," Al replies as they both grin and resume walking over to rejoin Voight.
"Is it today Ruzek and Atwater are seeing Healey?" Jay asks his sergeant.
"Yeah, right about the same time you and Upton are visiting Marcie. Any idea when they'll do the next meet?"
"No, the text I had from Barnet just said to be ready next week but ready for what? Could simply be the deliveries."
"Oh yeah, about that," Voight signals to Olinsky, "Al?"
"Yeah. Hopefully after another few days of these deliveries you'll know if there are patterns. Set days. If so, we'll put someone in, see if we can find out what's in the crates."
"Ok. Anything on Anthony Hunt? Or any more on the burner or Flynn, I remembered one more thing and that he wasn't there at first when I went downstairs or not obviously."
"Hunt's in the wind." Voight answers.
"Or in the ground," Jay muses quietly.
"That too. The burner we got nothing and nor for Flynn, we gotta see what Healey gives us."
"Ok. I should go. Marcie messaged this morning asking me to bring cranberry sauce and I somehow have to find cranberry sauce and put it in a pot and pretend I made it."
"Any grocery store that's open and has a holiday aisle is your friend," Al taps his nose.
"Thanks man," Jay watches as the two older men walk back to Voight's truck and climb in though Olinsky pauses and calls Jay's name as Jay turns away and walks towards his vehicle.
"Halstead, anytime you need to talk."
Jay turns his head, smiling in acknowledgement and watches as Al slams the door and they drive away. Not moving for a moment till an icy wind blows a little harder and he shivers and climbs into his car, blowing into his hands and cursing the broken heater before he pulls away.