Hey everyone,
Here as promised is Upstead Saturday. I hope it's okay. Thank you for all your comments as always. I realise the last chapters weren't exactly happy. Things will start progressing more, there will be gradually some moments of 'Oh' I hope but I'm trying to pace it all as realistically as I can. More at the end of the chapter. Xx
Marcie says yes and more importantly, so does Hailey. And only on the condition, Jay comes to her apartment. More hospitable, less depressing. Less claustrophobic than the same four walls Jay's had to live in for the past days.
When Jay arrives, the bags under his eyes seem more pronounced. The facial hair is longer. He looks exhausted.
She's glad she insisted on him coming over. She's also glad she made the effort to buy extra food. That she'd been to the Greek supermarket first thing to buy loukoumades. As many as she'd bought for her first day in the unit, but this time to be eaten by only the 2 of them.
She's prepared Moussaka for the main course, feta cheese salad for the starter and fruit salad for dessert with the loukoumades for snacking.
Her mom would be proud and she'd considered calling her earlier, but the thought of speaking or even hearing him had stopped her.
Jay here's now so any inclination to call gets forgotten. She urges him to sit down.
"You look how I feel, Jay."
"Amazing?" Jay quips and Hailey shakes her head.
"Not quite the word I was looking for. You want a drink? I got Greek wine. I got water. I got soda, I've got whiskey, and I got plain old coffee."
"Whatever you're having."
Hailey makes a face, "That's not helpful, Jay, but okay, I say wine even though it is only 3pm and I figured we'd eat a little later?"
"Works for me," Jay agrees, watching as she pours the wine and muttering a thank you as she hands him a full glass.
"Ok well, I hope you like red wine, this is a Boutari Agiorgitiko from 2016."
"We're going full Greek?"
"Naï," she replies with a smile which only widens at Jay's expression of mild confusion, "Naï means Yes in Greek."
Jay repeats the single word back to her, pronunciation perfect and she nods impressed at him.
"Hailey, it's one word," he reasons.
"That's true," she replies, holding her own almost full glass now before placing the glass and the bottle on the table in front of them.
She sits next to him on the couch and shuts her eyes, relieved not to have to be at the bar tonight and to Marcie, to Barnet, they're anything but themselves. They're Ryan and Paula.
Here and now though, they're Jay and Hailey without the immediate aftermath of what's happened some of the previous times Jay's been here.
"Barnet give you any crap yesterday?" Jay asks. He'd relayed the conversation he and the other man had had on Thursday.
"No, he was sitting at the end of the bar staring at one stage but Marcie was acting up and I glared in his direction several times so he gave up."
"Be careful," Jay warns, his eyes concerned as she turns to him.
"I can handle myself, Jay, it's fine. Dealt with much worse than him. Much worse."
"Oh?"
Hailey shakes her head, "Can we make a deal? No more talk of this case or any case. At least till we've finished the end of this glass?"
Jay makes a face, tilting his head to one side, "Yeah, okay. I like the sound of that. This goes both ways though, right?"
"Right," Hailey agrees, lifting her glass, "So, ya mas? Means 'to our health'"
"Ya mas, Hailey," Jay lifts his glass without hesitation clinking it against Hailey's and taking a sip, his eyes widening as he does and nodding approvingly as he swallows, "That's excellent wine."
"Yeah. Kudos to the guy in the grocery store, he recommended it," she takes another sip and settles back into the couch.
Enjoying the silence. A moment to breathe. Surprised at how comfortable it feels and at how comfortable she feels. She looks subtly across at Jay. The way he's at first pursing his lips, his eyes roving the small apartment. Absorbing the surroundings properly. Still fighting the urge to relax, she knows.
It seems to get easier as he takes another sip, and another till he breaks the silence.
"So, what do we talk about if we're not talking about the case? I almost forgot what it was like to think of anything else," His smile is kind of sad, rueful, tinged with regret.
Luckily for them both, Hailey's full of ideas. Full of small talk she's gathered and used over the years to fill interminable nights of stakeouts. Questions to fill the void and replace the urge to dwell on what scares you the most. Questions that can mean she could listen to others without needing to tell her stories as long as someone else is telling them, she's content.
"What's the first thing you'll do when we solve this case? When you're no longer undercover, that is. If money was no object, where would you vacation? Best gift you've ever received? Most impulsive thing you've ever done? How about those for starters?"
Jay arches an amused eyebrow, "Ok, well I did ask. Well, my turn to ask first, so where would you go if money was no object?"
"Ikaria," Hailey replies without hesitation, "It's amazing, Jay. A small island in Greece. Has the highest population of healthy people over the age of ninety. The most common type of work out there is manual labor. Mountain hiking. The healthiest food. Crime rate is almost zero. Greek coffee, mountain tea. Imagine being able to go for a run in the morning and all you can see for miles is the sea? Only trouble is I think if I went I'd struggle to come home."
"We could all come and visit you. Set up the Intelligence unit, Ikaria style."
"There'd be nothing at all to occupy us."
"Exactly!"
Hailey looks at Jay, searching for a sign he's joking. He's playing along or teasing her. There's nothing obvious. "You'd get bored."
"Maybe that's not the worst thing in the world. Perhaps I could get used to fruit picking and running along a mountain edge. People not being out to get you."
"Definitely not the worst thing in the world, Jay," she agrees, "Ok, so my turn, and that same question to you."
Jay sips at the wine, tapping at the glass rhythmically as he considers his answer.
"You know for a little while I thought about saving all my salary and in a few years after we'd saved up enough, we'd go to somewhere in the Indian Ocean or the Pacific, stay in one of those huts in the middle of the ocean. I could fish all day or swim all day and we'd sit under the stars at night eating the finest cuisine."
He frowns, "Anyway, that's not happening anymore so Wisconsin for weekends but money no object? I like your island. Don't worry though, I'd make sure I'd stay at the other side of it and we'd wave at each other on the street and be all 'Oh that was someone I knew from my old life before all this sun and this warmth and this feeling of freedom'."
He stops, self-conscious immediately, "You said a vacation though right so maybe the Bahamas."
"You can stay on my island, Jay, and you know what meeting up every so often would be good," Hailey assures him with a smile.
"Really?"
"Really. So, ok while I prepare the salad, ask me the next question."
"Salad? Hailey, We're in December, and you said we'd eat later."
"Yeah, so all the more reason to eat your veggies and I'm Greek, I love food and entertaining and I'm not doing that right now so." Hailey stands up and gestures toward the kitchen area.
"Sometimes, you sound just like my mom, Hailey, and you're doing fine with the entertainment. All I need is potato chips or anything you can find that's small to go with the wine?"
Hailey rolls her eyes but picks up the box from the counter and opens it, holding it out to Jay before setting the box down on the table, "Well, I got these? Remember them from my first day? The salad is a Feta cheese salad, so not even that healthy but okay, we can say screw it and drink wine and eat these till we're ready to have the Moussaka."
"That or we can just eat these till we run out and don't even care about soaking up the alcohol by that point?" Jay reaches into the box and holds one, staring at it, "And while we're at it, we can think of how much has changed since your first day."
He shakes his head, "Or not, terrible idea of mine," dismissing that thought process for now and bites into the first one, shutting his eyes as he tastes the sweet treat and opens them, nodding approvingly.
"Great accompaniment to the wine, Hailey."
Hailey hands him a paper towel, placing several more on the table underneath the box, before she sits on the couch again, one leg under the other, then grabs a paper towel which she sets on her lap.
"You're a Philistine but okay, now ask me another question, Jay."
"Ok," he taps his chin, "Your favorite Christmas?"
Hailey winces internally. It's easy to answer though because there weren't so many good ones before things all fell apart.
"I'm the middle child," she begins, "It wasn't as bad as it could have been to be the middle one because I was the only girl. My younger brother was taller than me by the time he was twelve too, I was fourteen. Anyway, the best Christmas was when we were all old enough to get excited about it. All of us at school and dad's diner was doing well. Well enough that I got a bike for Christmas. A little purple bike with a bell on it," Hailey smiles at the memory.
"You know we all cycled like crazy kids down the sidewalks and in the park through snow storms. So excited that we had bikes. Mom and Dad walking behind us, holding hands. Then that Christmas, we ate for days. Christmas would go on forever and any of the unused food from the diner which dad never used to mind us eating in those days? We'd all crowd around the tv and and all I remember is laughing," she glances at Jay, self-conscious suddenly, "Yeah, so that was my favorite Christmas. How about you?"
Jay peers at her over his wine glass, "Will you see them this Christmas? Or would you have done if we weren't in the middle of this case? On Thanksgiving, you seemed reluctant to call?"
Hailey rubs at her jeans, at a non-existent stain focused only on avoiding Jay's gaze and shrugs, "Families are complicated. I imagine we'll talk. Seeing them? Eh. Hopefully, my brothers at some point and if mom's there, great. Anyway, don't think i didn't notice the deflection, Jay, what about you?
"Any Christmas before 4pm. After 4pm is when every Christmas would become the worst Christmas because dad would always have had too much alcohol by that point and spend the rest of the day yelling at mom but also us for breathing."
"That bad?"
Jay doesn't answer the question, just gives a wry smile and holds up a hand, "Actually, you know my favorite Christmas? Mom's last one. The two of us. Listening to the corniest songs. Watching Home Alone. Miracle on 34th Street. It was enough that I was there. With her. Just the two of us and it was special. Didn't need presents, no point in them for mom anyway, so all we did was talk."
"I'm sorry you lost her."
"Only physically. As in losing her, I mean. She's always in my head. Telling me off while I ignore that voice. I think she'd be happy that Will and I are on better terms at least. About the only thing she'd be happy with, though."
Jay drains the glass, an involuntary shudder running through him, and fixes a smile toward Hailey as he picks up the bottle and tops up Hailey's glass and fills his own.
"Maybe we should talk about the case?" he suggests.
"And miss out on the most important question, Jay? Oh no. So, the most impulsive thing or embarrassing thing you've ever done?"
Jay waves his finger and shakes his head, "No way Hailey, not till I've had at least 2 more of these," he points the same finger to the glass he's holding with his other hand.
"Now I'm intrigued and there's no way I'm gonna feed you Moussaka until you 'fess up."
"Doesn't stop you from telling me your most embarrassing or impulsive moment."
"Well duh, that's easy. When I made Platt tip the drink all over herself would be the one."
Jay snorts, "Oh yeah, that was pretty embarrassing, but I already knew that so you're gonna have to do better."
Hailey gives him a look, "I will if you will."
"Drink up then Hailey," Jay challenges watching with his mouth falling open a little more and more as Hailey picks up the glass and drains it then pours herself another full one, "Well okay then."
Not so long ago, silences between Hailey and Jay would've been stilted. Awkward. Each lost in memories, some more recent than others. Painful memories.
Partnerships are often accidental in their world. Imperfect. Two people doing the same job with personalities so different. Too different. Add to that fences or walls put up clumsily, mostly by hand. As a way of protecting themselves: what hurt them in the first place. Add to that every piece of damage that made them who they are today, that led them to the time they become partners.
It's hard to believe they're the same 2 people and maybe that's all part of it because Jay knows he's not the same. Even if this undercover and this case hadn't existed. Even if that one day, he'd slept through so life had just carried on without Brian's place or any awareness of it.
Everything changed this year. Just like Afghanistan had changed him. This year has too. Starting with Erin. Then a small child who won't get to see Christmas this year because of him, accidental or not.
It's all fine to talk about favorite Christmases till his mind lingers on Morgan and how even his over thirty years of not so great ones Morgan's family would give anything to experience if it meant she was still here.
What was he thinking about? Oh yeah, the silence between him and Hailey now.
It's comfortable. Comfortable despite what's left unsaid. Easy too because there's trust now where there once was resentment on his part at least.
The words pour out of him before he can stop them.
"They were just kids. A little boy and his younger sister. Not as though they were the first and they weren't even the last."
"Tabssum and Babur?" Hailey asks quietly.
It's okay, Jay tells himself. He can trust her.
"Yeah," he breathes, "I'll always remember the soccer jersey he wore. Red, one main shade but after there were different shades because of the injuries, but the color was red before as well. She barely had a scratch. They're the ones I see sometimes."
All the time, each time I close my eyes, goes unsaid.
"At least Morgan had a chance. Someone tried to save her. They didn't even get that chance. I don't even know if their parents saw them again. Got the chance to kiss them before they buried them."
He feels her draw closer to him, hears her short exhale and watches her hand squeeze his own. It comforts him like she's got magic powers to soothe him.
"Thank you for telling me."
"Thank you for listening," he shuts his eyes and sees them, those two children. Feels his eyes fill with tears and blinks them away or tries to.
Hears her exhale once again and hears her talk, not letting go of his hand.
"I had an undercover, which was bad. Correction: I've had two bad ones. This one, though. It cost a lot. Almost too much."
"The one you mentioned before?" Jay asks.
"Yeah. That one. The offender, he was a bastard. Almost took my sanity. Did take the guy I was undercover with," the exhale is shakier this time, "We got him in the end. It just wasn't as satisfying as it could've been. Would've been better if I could have shot him."
"And the guy you were undercover with?"
She smiles, genuine, warm, wistful, "Garrett. He was such a great cop. Even better undercover. Booth was ruthless though, and he never missed an opportunity."
"You and Garrett?"
Hailey gently removes her hand, sweeping it through her hair and looks away. They both know what Jay's implying, "We were undercover, Jay."
There are unspoken words, Jay thinks. On both their parts, probably in answer to that. As he watches her now, sees vulnerability he's not seen in her before. He knows what she means. Gets it. He could ask, pursue and ask directly. He knows the answer already, though.
Instead, his hand searches for hers this time, finding it and even though there's a slight amount of resistance. It's minimal, and she accepts his touch looking back toward him, and he recognizes the look in her eyes. Doesn't comment on the moisture or the stray tear that he could brush at. He senses that would be one step too far though.
He squeezes her hand. A gentle squeeze. Watching her as she releases a breath that's less fragile. Sees her settle into the couch, her other hand holding the glass now.
"Thanks Jay."
"Thanks Hailey."
They say it at the same time. The surprise is that he's not even surprised.
Hours pass. The drink flows and the conversation becomes lighter.
The silences are shorter. Punctuated with contented laughter. Microwaving the moussaka is sacrilege to those in Greektown not so far away from here, but it's edible and at least means it absorbs some alcohol.
"Yeah, so when taser certification time comes again, just be very hopeful we don't get the same guy."
Hailey snort giggles again and like the last time a few minutes ago, Jay laughs too, amused and somewhat endeared by the sound.
"I kinda want it to happen so I can see your faces. I can picture it all, but the reality would be so much better."
"I was starting to like you Hailey, don't push it."
She's on the whiskey now, though with a glass of water before she'd started, Jay's nursing the glass of wine that's the last one from the last bottle she'd bought from the Greek supermarket.
Out of nowhere, he remembers the unanswered question from earlier. Before all the wine and spirits.
"Okay, wipe that smile off your face, Hailey Upton. So, the most impulsive thing or embarrassing thing you've ever done. Go."
Her smile is smug, "Easy. Giving up robbery/homicide to come to Intelligence."
Jay scoffs, "That's almost as bad an answer as the Platt one. You're a terrible secret teller."
"Wow. Tough crowd. Okay, all right. Challenge accepted. First night out as a drinker, Hailey Ann Upton. Sobbing her heart out at not being allowed into a pizza place and having to be escorted home because back then I could tolerate a pitiful amount of alcohol."
Jay makes an unimpressed sound, "That's it? Oh man, you've lived a boring life."
"Well okay, Mr Jay Super Interesting and wow look at the life I've lived Halstead, spill yours then."
"How about getting married on the spur of the moment in Vegas?"
Jay swears he can almost hear Hailey's jaw drop.
"You did what?"
"Oh and technically, we're still married though before all this started, things were progressing at last toward me becoming a divorcee."
Hailey does a double take and Jay laughs, "You're giving me all the comedic reactions right now, Hailey, but actually it was pretty sad. We were very drunk. After a funeral and when in Vegas, right?"
"And there I was believing you were sensible."
"Hey," Jay protests, "I am. Both pf us in a terrible place and by that I don't mean the wedding chapel in Vegas. We just were. We liked each other. Felt logical. A logical joke. Back then each day passed in a blur, it was a little fragment of light amongst all the crap."
"Okay, well you win, Jay. You win." Hailey tries to lighten the mood that's turned darker.
It doesn't work.
Jay frowns, "Well, no, not really. Divorce costs money and oh god," he breathes, "Erin didn't see the funny side. At all. It, erm, it didn't help you know with," he throws a hand up, dropping it hard on his leg, "With anything. I tried patching things up. That night in the bar, I was going to propose. Even though I knew. I think I knew. I just never imagined it would end like that."
He shakes his head, "I never think."
Her hand finds his again, and he looks down toward it. Accepts the touch until he doesn't and he stands up, rubs at his face and shakes his head.
"I should go. You got the bar tomorrow and-."
"Jay, it's not that late. It's cold as hell out and we've still got a bunch of loukoumades to eat and there's no way I'm eating them all myself or throwing them away."
He turns away and stares out the window, still shaking his head and decision made, he goes to pick up his jacket.
Her hand again stops him, she's by his side taking the jacket from him and throwing it toward the couch, then she's in front of him, looking up, smiling. Warm and familiar.
"Stay. We don't have to talk. We can listen to music. We've not even talked about what music you like or what I like. Doesn't matter what we do. Just stay."
Jay's history is littered with impulsive moments and apparently so's his present now too as he lowers his mouth towards hers and he watches in what feels like slow motion as he thinks she stands on tiptoes and her mouth is so close to his. They're so close and maybe this would be okay?
We were undercover, Jay.
That could apply to them too, right? Just something to further Ryan and Paula. Something to throw Barnet off from pursuing her.
He steps backward though even though he thinks his heart is yelling 'What d'you do that for?" His head will thank him though. If not tonight, tomorrow.
"It's not right. Not fair and not okay. We may be years later, but I'm not so far removed from Vegas, mentally at least am I, Hailey? Every flashback. Every time I'm in that cellar, I'm there again. And if we did this, Hailey. It smells of rebound, even if this felt right for tonight. I don't want to jeopardize a thing."
The case he means, the case. He does.
"Me either, Jay. Me either. You're right. You'll stay though? Please stay even if we stay up all night talking nonsense or not talking at all."
Jay doesn't nod. He doesn't say yes. He thinks there's an unspoken 'Stay because I don't want to be alone' and what would be an instinctive response of of 'me too Hailey' goes unsaid too even though he needs this as much as her. To not be alone.
He's sure she knows anyway as her lips brush against his own and her fingertips graze lightly against his and he hears her say.
"I'll make some coffee."
He turns his head, and nods even though she's looking away now, watching her as he tells himself over and over.
We're undercover. That's all this is.
That's it! I wanted to write so much more but also keen to avoid making it unrealistic. While they know more about each other and it's no longer arms length, they like each other. They know that now, but they're undercover, it's complicated. Blah blah.
As I said at the start, we're getting to the nitty gritty soon. Some questions may start to be answered, some more may get thrown up and that first scene? We're not a million miles away. Let me know what you thought and thanks for reading. Take care for now. xxx