What is this? A timely update you say without waiting for a ridiculous amount of time? I'm as shocked as you are. I'm almost done with the whole story but more about that at the end of this chapter cause I wanna know how you want me to post the rest. Thank you so much for the amazing kind reviews which make me smile so much.
Anyway, this chapter comes with anxiety from me and also contains lots of info but first, angst! I hope it's okay. (p.s. a bit of swearing)
The instinctive feeling of relief that he's still alive lasts for thirty minutes, if that for Jay. It's nothing new. It had been similar the time he woke up in the hospital after Afghanistan.
It lasted longer though, perhaps the medicine had been stronger. Perhaps it was because he hadn't yet had the years to be weighed down by the memories or the nightmares. Blissfully unaware of what was to come.
This time he's nowhere near as lucky. He's still as weighed down by the baggage he had before. Add to that the dull ache that's linked to the concussion, the feeling of exhaustion, and his body being used as a punching bag for hours.
Oh, and that every time he shuts his eyes, he's assailed by memories. Fragments of noise and images that he can't distinguish between. Who was it last time he shut his eyes, who will it be next?
While some memories remain strong, other memories he thinks are just as important stay below the surface, frustratingly out of reach.
The doctor, he can't remember his name, had been positive and on the face of it, Jay's lucky. Some kind of Christmas miracle he's alive at all.
Trouble is, the way Hailey and Will have been looking at him and more than that, the way they've been looking at each other like Jay's lost the power of sight and won't see them do just that. It's like Jay's made of glass, and one wrong word or move and it'll come crashing down.
Jay's so miserable he makes it come crashing down all by himself.
Will snaps first. Muttering under his breath words Jay knows he doesn't mean and will beat himself up about for days, weeks. They'll talk about it one day when they're both in their eighties.
Hailey watches him go as Jay watches her. Her side profile that's got a smudge of grey underneath her eyes, her hair in a ponytail and her shoulders slumped. She's what he needs to pull himself from this.
It's so very Jay Halstead of him to screw it up in just one sentence.
"The undercover's over Hailey, you can stop pretending to care now. Leave me alone."
She faces him full on, standing up and narrows her eyes, her mouth wide open before her lips move though no sound comes out.
"You'd never get the promotion or good assignment you need by fucking me, anyway. Just move on."
Ever wanted to reach inside your own mouth or reach out to capture words you say because you're hurting and they feel right in that moment but as soon as they're spoken they're too much and you don't even need to look at the person to realize they were so wrong?
That exact thought occurs to Jay as Hailey's eyes widen and she chokes out a noise that's halfway between a sob and a laugh that means all those years he's tried to be everything but Pat Halstead's son just went to waste over the last minute.
"This isn't you, rest Jay. Please rest."
The tiny undamaged part of Jay wonders at how she keeps her cool as she pulls on her coat and walks out without looking at him again. That same part of him thinks again of how he's spent the entirety of his adult life trying to not become a carbon copy of his dad, only for it to fail today.
Trouble is, he's not sure he cares enough as he stares towards the door Hailey just walked through then shakes his head and shuts his eyes.
For all of 2 seconds before everything crashes in on him again.
Hailey ignores Platt's query over Jay's health as she enters the 21st, scanning her finger at the gate and running up the stairs into the bullpen.
She only has one destination in mind, turning right as she steps into the bullpen and right again into the corridor near to the interview rooms.
"Hailey?"
She stops when Al's calls her name but only long enough to turn slightly and point towards the room. "Is she still here?"
Al narrows his eyes. That's enough of an answer and Hailey nods, turning away then taking a left turn to reach the room, throwing the door open as she does. Marcie flinches. It's satisfying for all of a second.
Marcie's sat on the bench, alongside a blanket and a single pillow. Hailey stands in front of her.
"Why the hell are you protecting those men? You realize they wouldn't be doing the same for you?"
Marcie purses her lips, looking up at Hailey, and then yawns. Not because she's tired, Hailey knows this immediately. It's a yawn to signal her boredom. Her disdain.
"The other cop tried that too. Like it mattered to me. Thought you were different, Paula." The smile that accompanies her use of Hailey's undercover name isn't the one Hailey's used to.
"Detective Upton," she counters, "you call me Detective Upton."
Marcie's smile grows wider, and it takes all of Hailey's self-control to not wipe it off her face with her own fist, and she turns away toward the door where Voight is watching her. She nods at him, turns back, stepping closer to Marcie now, leaning into her till their faces are almost close enough to touch.
"And I promise you that if you carry on like this, it won't just be the people you're protecting who'll go down, it'll be you too. If you're not scared of me or scared of what I will do to you for any involvement you've had in my partner being in hospital then you underestimate me and I really wouldn't do that if I were you, okay?"
Hailey straightens, not taking her eyes off the older woman who for the first time since Hailey came in this room swallows and looks away then clearing her throat, she looks past Hailey toward Voight.
"I think I'd like to leave."
Voight nods, and Hailey moves to follow him but stops, turning one last time.
"You know, I think it's sad that you're here. I still feel sorry for you, Marcie. That you'd rather be here in this room protecting those people than spending Christmas day remembering your son or even with the men you're covering for."
She doesn't wait for a reaction, instead she shuts the door behind her and shakes her head as she follows Voight to the corridor.
"We aren't going to let her go are we?"
"We got nothing to hold her on, Hailey and we won't talk about this here, come to my office, there's something I need to show you."
Hailey exhales loudly but does as Voight asked, walking back into the bullpen and stopping beside Voight as he pauses by Kim and Antonio's desks.
"Marcie wants to leave. Get Platt to have someone take her home and you follow them and you keep eyes on her. She makes any move, you tail her. You see any sign of Price or Barnet or anyone connected with this entire case, you move and call for back up."
Kim stands up. "Got it, sarge." Turning round to Antonio, she says, "I'll go ask Trudy and meet you in the parking lot."
Antonio nods, picking up his jacket as Voight jerks his head toward Hailey and she follows him to his office, Al behind her handing a file to Voight which he takes and pulls out a series of photographs laying them on his desk and gesturing to Hailey to come closer and look at them.
Hailey looks down, picking up one of the pictures. She recognizes the location. It's outside Flynn's home and there's a figure pictured entering the home. She lays the first picture down and scans the others, seeing nothing concrete or startling until her attention turns to the final two.
The figure is holding something in the penultimate one and then in the last image; he looks toward where the shot was taken. It's startlingly clear compared with all the others.
"Barnet? What the hell was he doing at Flynn's place?" She looks from Olinsky to Voight. "Did we get anything on the plates? A better image? And why aren't we out there tearing up the streets looking for him?"
"We didn't get anything conclusive on the plates, no and yeah we are. We're talking to CI's. Every cop in Chicago knows who we're looking for, but it's like they disappeared into thin air. We're trying to get warrants on the bars that Barnet and Price have been delivering to and getting others to deliver coke to for all this time, but it ain't gonna fly right now, we need more."
Hailey howls with frustration. It's not like the usual Hailey but then these aren't usual times.
"Jay is in hospital. Why are you suddenly so by the book?"
Al answers easily, "Because we want to do this right so these guys when we get to them and we will get to them, they won't be able to use these expensive lawyers to get away with it. We're close."
"We've been saying that for weeks," Hailey points out.
"Ruzek and Atwater are coming back with Kacey. We'll find out more from her," Voight says.
"Okay. Good, I want to talk to her."
Voight shakes his head. "No, the undercover apartments need to be closed down. You and Al need to do that." At Hailey's noise of protest, Voight purses his lips. "You can do that or you can go home and get some sleep. Hailey, you won't miss a thing. If there's something one of us knows or finds out, everyone will find out. For now, though, I need you and Al to go do that."
Hailey looks between both men. Trying to see if there's any sign that she can persuade them otherwise. She knows a lost cause though, so her shoulders slump in resignation and she looks at Al.
"We should go."
"Does dad know I'm here?"
Will turns away quickly from the window. A look of relief framing his features at the mere fact that Jay's spoken to him. He smiles hesitantly before a more solemn expression takes over.
"No. I figured you wouldn't want me to and honestly I didn't want to get into the old familiar argument with him about our career choices when I wasn't even sure when my little brother would wake up."
Jay doesn't reply. A quiet nod and then resumes his own focus on the wall. The silence is heavy once again in the room till Will breaks it.
"Uh, Dr Cain says you may be able to leave tomorrow. They just want to make sure there's no sign of withdrawal from the GHB and the concussion is healing as it should. That's good news."
"Technically, I could leave right now. Against medical advice, right?"
"But you wouldn't because you're not dumb, right?"
Jay switches from his intense scrutiny of the wall to fire a glare at his brother, shaking his head with disdain.
"Not that it's any business of yours."
"I'm your brother, Jay and given that you won't even talk to dad these days, I'm your next of kin so yeah it's business of mine and it would've been even more of my business if we hadn't been so lucky and you'd died before you got here."
Jay makes a scoffing noise, and his tone is dripping with sarcasm. "Oh yeah, look at me. I'm real lucky."
"Didn't say that, Jay. And I understand what all this is, you're spoiling to fight, so it distracts from you not wanting to let any of us in on what you went through. I get it."
Will's using his doctor's voice, oh so reasonable and oh so like a red rag to the bull that is Jay right now. Will's accurate as hell, of course. Jay knows that, but there's no way he's admitting to anyone, even himself fully right now, so he resorts to making sure he drives his brother away, like he drove Hailey away before.
"Surprised you've not run away to Africa again or some place a million miles away. That's what you do, right? As soon as things get tough."
"Fuck you. Guess what Jay, you don't hold a monopoly on all of this. I get that you're lashing out because you're hurting it and this feels safest because we keep coming back when you're being silent so you want to try the patented Pat Halstead method but that ain't gonna work out. Still screw you for bringing up the past like that."
Jay's aware of Will's stare, he doesn't have to look at his brother to know that his eyes will well with tears of frustration and that he's concerned for Jay and that's all this is about.
It's just that Jay can't handle that, he's too close to the edge as it is without admitting it and making it all feel a thousand times more real.
He hears Will's footsteps and then all he hears is his own breathing, his own thoughts and he turns his head slightly, sees Dr Charles places his hand on Will's shoulder and look toward Jay and Jay should flick his attention back to the wall but doesn't, instead tuning out and every sense he can for as long as possible.
It's better that way.
Kevin leads the way into the bullpen, they came up the back route. Less public.
Voight raises an eyebrow at him as he holds the door open. "All okay? No sign of unwelcome visitors or observers?"
"No problems, Sarge." He gestures behind him. "Kacey wasn't alone though."
"Oh?"
Kacey passes Kevin and smiles hesitantly at Voight and Al behind him, not that either man notices as their attention swiftly diverts to the person following her.
Tall. Imposing.
"Hey gentlemen, Steven Flynn," he greets Voight and Al and smiles grimly. "Me and Kace, we got a lot to tell you, but first how's Halstead doing?"
"He's recovering," Voight answers and both Flynn and Kacey smile. Relief clear on their faces. "Now, shall we?" Voight gestures toward his office.
5 minutes later and they're sitting in the office. Kevin leaning against the wall and Voight in his chair while Adam sits on the other side of Voight and Kacey and Flynn sit next to each other facing the 3 men.
"Kacey and I have known each other for years. Same circles. She and Eddie, they knew my boy well. I don't think anyone was as close to Kacey as Brian was, but still David was a part of that life."
Kacey nods, her hands relaxing around the coffee mug, and looks from Kevin to Voight.
"Brian was a real one. Still older than me, but not as old as Eddie was. The slight difference in age was all the difference, and he didn't baby me like Eddie did. David, he was quiet, often in the shadows. Still new to it all by the time I went off the reservation."
"What happened? They found blood, but they never matched it to anyone." Voight asks.
"The Barnet effect." Kacey frowns. "Things were tough for Brian before then, but it was okay because I took care of him, Steve too. Then Barnet was released from prison. He noticed me the first night he came to the bar and Brian noticed him notice me. It came to a head one night in the stockroom and Brian got me out of there. It was his idea to have me vanish, actually. Eddie had no clue. He used to search for me everywhere."
"Where were you all this time?" Adam inquires.
"Iowa. Or at least I was until I heard about Brian. I had to watch from a distance at his funeral. Had to watch Marcie play the grieving mom. Jim, the concerned boss. Eddie took it all so hard and I wanted to reach out to him. Bridge the distance between us. Instead, I turned around and walked away."
"Until?"
Kacey exchanges a glance with Flynn, who smiles encouragingly, and she looks back to Voight, answering his question. "I would leave it till late in the evening on what would have been his birthday and at Christmas since he died to visit the cemetery where there's a memorial for Brian. Leave a single flower. Just a way to remember him. Steven noticed it in 2016, was curious, and waited around this year for Brian's birthday. I was scared, but also I remembered what he did for Brian. Knew in my heart that I could trust him and he said he would keep me safe. I've been back here since April. Kept considering telling Eddie that I was back. That I was alive. He seemed okay though, living his life with his family then not long after, in June, Steven told me he was missing."
Kacey chews her bottom lip, looking down before she breathes heavily and looks from Voight to Adam and then to Kevin.
"Did Barnet hurt you?" Kevin asks gently.
"No. He didn't get the chance. He may well have left me alone after that we'll never be able to be sure. Anyway, Brian said he was more worried about how Price would react than Barnet."
"I agree with Kacey," Flynn adds, explaining "Despite what you may think with his track record, Peter would have got the message, eventually. It was Jimmy who would've seen Kacey as a threat to everything he'd built. He knew Peter could be his right-hand man, indebted to Jimmy and all. Brian was aware of that. Jimmy realized Brian was aware too."
"You don't think Barnet's involved in this?" Voight leans forward, laying his hands on the desk.
"No. He's involved. He's knee deep in this shit but Kacey wasn't in danger from him after Brian made sure. I don't know if he told you but Halstead, he came to see me."
"Yeah. he did," Voight confirms.
"Good. Well, nothing I told him was false. Or at least most of it wasn't. There were things I think would've changed the course of it. The entire investigation, if I told him about them. Everything I said about Price was correct. Everything I said about the tours of duty kind of mindset Jimmy instilled was correct. I just didn't know the specifics. I wasn't far enough in. I think only Jim and Pete were in on it."
He pauses.
"And Marcie."
Voight exchanges a look with Kevin before looking back at Flynn. "Marcie Townsend? Brian's mother."
"Yeah. Though in name only. The mother part, I mean. I'm sure somewhere in that brain of hers, she loved him. She had a strange way of showing it. You know, sometimes I wonder if we all got it wrong and Marcie is the brains of it all. If I look back I could pretty much pin the change, the real change in Jimmy to when he and Marcie really got friendly."
"Is Marcie hooked on oxy for real?" Voight queries.
Flynn shrugs. "You know, it's hard to be sure. She does have an oxy habit and has since I've known her, which at times looks bad and is bad. She plays on it, though. Has done with every guy that came after Brian wasn't here and before. Brian was the guinea pig, you could say. She was a born actress, a seasoned manipulator. Everyone fell for it, felt sorry for her."
"Even me when I first worked there fell for it," Kacey adds, "She's so good at putting on an act. Brian loved her with all his heart, couldn't see that she didn't feel the same though she pretended to and the crocodile tears after he died. Eddie I think ended up working in the bar to support her after, even though we all knew how she treated Brian and how much he hated Jimmy."
Kacey's expression hardens.
"Honestly, it's hard to pick who's the worst between Jimmy and Marcie, but Jimmy didn't sacrifice his child or stand by and watch as that happened and manipulate the hell out of so many people afterward."
"Did all the guys fall for Marcie's act? Your brother? David? Craig Farmer?"
"Honestly, I can't speak really for after I got out of there. We all had eyes, though. Could see what Marcie's version of parenting was doing to Brian. Still, losing her son, hard not to feel sorry for someone going through that, I guess. She'd just find a way to get her claws in. I guess that happened with people like Craig, just a customer. Soften him a little, make him feel sorry for her, realize he's as fucked up by his experiences in the army as anyone else, put him in touch with Price and it always ended the same."
Voight nods slowly, leaning back into his chair and turning his attention to Flynn.
"Do you know anything about Barnet being at your home? We found blood too, but couldn't trace it. Similar to Kacey's disappearance."
"Yeah, I know about it," Flynn replies, "We set up a laptop, I recorded a video trying to make Pete see sense. Gave him a number to call and well, so far, he hasn't. I guess he's in too deep. As for the blood, well, that was Kacey's idea. We thought it could get your attention and before you ask, it's no one's actual blood, just stage blood."
"It worked and that's good to know about the blood," Adam confirms with a grim smile, then straightening for a moment, he asks. "Hey, so was it one of you two who would contact Detective Upton via a burner phone where you found Halstead? Jay said he thought he recognized the figure once but couldn't confirm who it was?"
Flynn and Kacey share a look loaded with unspoken words before Kacey shrugs and Flynn takes a breath.
"Little from column a, some more from column b like last time and a lot of column c too. You have to understand that initially I wanted to be part of it all. Nail these guys for all they'd done, no matter the consequences. Be as near to the action as I could, but after David, I think they were suspicious that I stuck it out. I was never cut from the same cloth as Marcie or Jimmy. So I had to take a step backward for Helen's safety. Your people being in there made it easier, and I had nothing I could tell you guys that would've been useful more than I did."
Flynn rubs at his chin tiredly. "I had no way to understand what they were doing with the chips, for example. I think that all came because Jimmy was a gadget guy, knew people who knew other people who used that shit or knew how to use it. Obsessed with how to outwit the enemy. More money than sense, except that the whole thing worked. They made one mistake though, they kept me included in messages. Messages with enough information about the plans they had. Encrypted messages so I think they forgot I was part of the chain. They obviously thought I wasn't part of it and no one else was dying on my watch, not when I felt for the first time there was a chance of justice."
"You said a lot of column C?" Kevin queries.
Flynn smiles, nodding, "We can trust you, right? I feel like we can, but still, it doesn't hurt to ask, right?"
Voight leans forward again. "Yes, you can."
"Okay so early hours of the morning tomorrow. We name a place, you be there. Your Detective Upton too, and we may have a proposition, a way for things to be finalized."
"Okay," Voight agrees after a moment of consideration, "Tell us when and where and we'll be there."
Hailey and Al make quick work of closing down Hailey's undercover apartment.
After emptying the fridge, Hailey knocks on the door of the apartment below to offer the food that's still edible. The food she and Jay should have enjoyed.
Everything else fits into a holdall.
It's much the same at Jay's though the smell of the apartment, the smell of Jay's clothes and his cologne in particular as Hailey puts them in the bag Jay had placed in the corner of the bedroom stills Hailey for a second before she pulls herself from the brink of losing her control.
Al's waiting for her, sitting on the couch when she walks back into the living area.
"No sign of anyone coming in and looking around at least." He observes.
"That's something I guess." Hailey's eyes scan the apartment, falling on the kitchen area and a plastic bag on the counter.
Al's not looking at her, his eyes looking toward the window so Hailey moves over to where the bag is, dropping the clothes bag next to it. Hailey opens the plastic bag, her eyes widening as she sees the contents, dropping the clothes bag next to it on the counter.
Decorations, including tinsel and baubles. Party favors and then, as she reaches down to the bottom, she feels and holds up the jar, a luxury cranberry sauce. She smiles. When Jay recovers which he will, they'll use all this. None of it will go to waste.
She's about to place the plastic bag into the clothes bag when she sees the other item. It's a roll of something in gift wrap, like a poster or a scroll you'd receive when you graduate. She glances toward Al but he's not paying any attention to her so she lifts the item, there's a label on it which she turns over.
The message is handwritten:
Just a little something to say thanks for making me happy it's Christmas for the first time in a long time x
Hailey screws her eyes shut, a quiet exhale escaping her as her free hand grips the counter before she reopens them and looks again. She didn't imagine it. She looks toward Al once more, but he's still not looking.
Even if he knows and even if he looked, which she imagines he does and he did, she's immeasurably grateful that he's not intruding. Not asking questions. Yet at least.
A message tone interrupts her thoughts, and she sees Al reach into his jacket, pulling out his phone, reading the contents then looking at her, holding up the phone as he does.
"Voight. He wants us back at the 21st." Al's expression softens enough that it's clear he'd definitely looked in the bag, "You okay to go or you need a minute?"
She tries a smile, but it's harder than she thought. Just about managing a nod instead. For the second time in just a couple of days, she wants to hug Al when he doesn't question it and picks up the clothes bag and leads the way to the door, leaving Hailey to pick up the plastic bag, take one long look around, breathe in the cologne for a couple more seconds and follow him outside.
Daniel Charles stares out the window between the small gap in the blinds that Halstead had requested be shut earlier. It's snowing now. The sky white as far as the eye can see, promising that the rest of the day and the streets of Chicago will be filled with snow.
Still looking out the windows, he talks.
"The trouble with coping is that it becomes habitual and when you're used to being the protector. The mediator. The one who'll get into the middle of the fray and then slide quietly into the sidelines when it's over, no matter how it ends or the cost to you? You only realise it's bad when it manifests in other ways you can just dismiss as stress. Everyone gets stress at some point in their lives, right?"
Charles half turns.
"Except certain things happen again. Could be the backfire of a gun. It could be a smell or a piece of music which has you speed walking away from the danger. Or a dream that transports you back to a place you pushed so far down that the dreamworld or perhaps it's more like a hellscape and it's just about the only place still left to get to you."
He fully turns.
"Maybe it's a difficult family relationship that's no one's fault or it once was and you're an adult now. And it's painfully clear how loaded the odds were against you and it hurts you to be resentful but why shouldn't you be? Or it's someone you love leaving without saying goodbye or a tragic incident that could overwhelm you if you let it so you don't, you find a distraction but that distraction takes you to the place you never wanted to be again where the tragic incident becomes a reminder of that place."
Charles takes a step away from the window.
"Or it's not one of those things, perhaps it's several or what if it's all of it and you tell yourself that you'll ignore it and eventually your body resumes its avoidance state till next time except next time comes faster each time until one day you realize it was only one hour ago since the last trigger and you seek help and for once it's from a person and not through trying to save someone to make it easier but it's too late and you wish you listened sooner?"
Charles sits in the chair beside Jay's bed.
"But somehow you get lucky though that's debatable, and you got offered the chance to understand and listen when some old guy talked about ptsd and how anyone can experience it and live with it and even prosper despite its presence if only they ask for help. That's all, just ask for help."
He stands up, pushing the chair back.
"By the way, the 'you' and 'your' in this story could be anyone."
He reaches the end of the bed.
"And you can pretend to be asleep for so long, but the way you breathe when you're asleep in contrast to being awake always gives a guy away. Just know that the guy only has to ask and really needs to understand that there's an army of people behind him if he'd just ask. That's all. The guy being you, Jay, no one else this time, but you."
Jay waits thirty seconds before he opens his eyes. Confident that the footsteps he'd heard had taken the older man out of his room. Still, he checks this left as he does that Charles is no longer there.
Choking out a strangled tear when he's sure he isn't. His right hand shakily moves to cover his eyes as the tears fall freely and he just lies there. Recounting every word Dr Charles had said. Every one of them refusing to vacate his thoughts, and maybe for once that's a good thing.
I hope that was okay. I've almost completed the story which is a bit of a omg moment. Aside from a little to do and some edits, all being well I should have it complete on Monday (all being well). So there's a little way more to go and here's my question, would you rather have it all in one go but spread over 2 maybe 3 more chapters or a chapter a night or every other night this week, particularly conscious of a certain big event in the US this week but also aware that for some a distraction will help and also we're not all from the US.
Let me know and also what you think/thought re this chapter. I hope its okay.. Marcie is well, not very nice really is she?
Anyway, plenty more to come. Stay safe, well and take care xx