A/N - This is for NoVacancyMind on AO3, who had the idea...

Chapter 2

Earlier that night

"You have to be respectful, Jay," he grumbled to himself in a singsong voice.

"I was being respectful," Jason muttered as he pushed his way through the overgrowth in Robinson Park. "I thought," he sulked.

"I only felt her ass up a little bit when we were making out and anyway, she liked it," Jason continued to whine in self-pity as he trudged into the rose gardens and began inspecting the blooms with his flashlight.

The bushes rustled around him but it was probably just the breeze. Or Harley's hyenas loose from the zoo again. Whatever. It wasn't like it mattered if they ate him. They'd probably be doing him a favor, what with his broken heart and all.

"Besides, I'm supposed to take your advice on how to treat women, Pops?" Jason huffed as he pushed his way through yet another patch of all red roses, thankful for the long sleeves of his leather jacket which were protecting his arms from the thorns, although he wished he'd thought to bring his gloves.

"Yeah, your way will really work, old man, I'm sooooo sure," Jason snarked bitterly, swinging the flashlight to his right at a bush that looked promising, only to turn out to be some kind of weird apricot color.

There were definitely a lot of animals in Robinson Park after ten p.m., Jason mused, because there wasn't a breeze this time and those branches were still moving.

Whatever.

Jason growled out loud in frustration as he came across his sixth pink rose bush in a row.

"Who am I kidding?" Jason groaned, dropping his flashlight dejectedly and rubbing his eyes.

"Steph's never gonna give me a second chance. She hates me. And now she's dating Roy. Face it, Jason, you fucked this one right up. Met the perfect girl and drove her off. Yep, sounds about right for Jason Peter Todd," he moaned, kicking his feet at the grass before flopping down dramatically, much to the apparent dismay of whatever animal was foraging through the bushes not ten feet away from him.

"Alone forever," Jason wailed to the overcast, light polluted night sky above him. "While my best friend steals my girl. Is there no pity sitting in the clouds that sees into the bottom of my grief?" he cried, beating his chest with loud thumps.

"That does it," he heard one singularly annoyed voice say over someone else's soft protests before the rustling came closer and then blonde pigtails were peering down at him, swaying to and fro in the gloomlight.

"Dude," Harley spat in annoyance, her halter top haphazardly hooked together and her skirt askew, "me and my girl are tryin' to have sex here and you are bein' a major buzzkill. Fuck off."

"I can't," Jason said dismally. "I'm overcome with grief."

"Give me a break," Harley said, nudging at Jason's thigh with her bare toes. "Go on. Shoo."

"No," Jason sulked. "Steph's gone. I am abused, and my relief must be to loathe myself," he complained.

"Would you quit with the fucking Shakespeare quotes?" Harley snapped in frustration. "And it's loathe her, not loathe myself. Get it right if you're gonna quote the Bard."

"I don't loathe her," Jason said, blinking up at Harley somberly. "I loathe myself."

"So pick a different damn quote," Harley huffed.

"Harleyyy," Jason heard a sultry voice float through the air. "I miss you…"

"Hear that?" Harley said, putting her hands on her hips and kicking Jason in the ribs. "Get the fuck out of here, bozo."

"Is that Ivy?" Jason said, blinking eagerly as he scrambled to his feet, completely ignoring Harley's assault.

"It ain't none of your business -" Harley started to say but Jason was cupping his mouth and calling through the bushes.

"Ivy! Where are the purple roses?"

"You interrupt me having sex and think you can have my roses?" Ivy's annoyed voice responded. "Fuck off and send Harley back. Tell her I'm cold and lonely."

"Honey, we both know you're hotter than hell," Harley called back. "Cold, my ass. Ain't possible, Red."

"I want your ass," Ivy sang back. "Get it over here."

"I will as soon as this Bard-murdering hack leaves," Harley said, kicking Jason hard in the shins.

"Ow!" he said. "That wasn't nice," Jason pouted.

"You misquoted Shakespeare," Harley said back. "Totally deserved."

Jason groaned even louder in frustration.

"Discomfort guides my tongue and bids me speak of nothing but despair," he whined to Harley's eye roll before turning back around.

"Ivy, where the hell are you?" Jason called as he carelessly plowed ahead through the rose bushes, prompting Ivy to shriek with fury and bounce to her feet, fully naked.

"Stop trampling on my roses!" she screamed at him. "You're breaking the branches off!"

"Oh, hey Ivy," Jason said nonchalantly, taking in the nude ecoterrorist with barely a batted eye. "I need the purple roses and then I'm gone."

"Get the fuck away from my naked girl!" Harley screamed at Jason, launching herself at his back. "Ivy, cover yourself!" Harley screeched as she banged her fists on Jason's arms.

"I don't care about Ivy's boobs," Jason said, slapping Harley's flailing hands away in irritation and trying to shake her off of his back, a feat which proved difficult as she had somehow wound her way around him like a sloth on a caffeine high, judging from her frenzied blows.

"How dare you?" Harley shrieked, now enraged. "Ivy's boobs are the most perfect breasts on the planet! Apologize!" she demanded.

"No, they aren't; Steph's are," Jason scoffed at the same time that Ivy said, "No, yours are, babe," fluttering her eyelashes at her girlfriend as she casually allowed a few leafy vines to wind their way around her choicest tidbits in a now feeble attempt at modesty.

Harley abruptly slid off of Jason's back.

"Hold it right there," she said. "Did you seriously just get an eyeful of Ivy's perfect C-cups and still say that this STEPH GIRL's boobs are more perfect?"

"Yes," Jason growled, putting his hands on his hips. "Because Steph's are. They're amazing. Heavenly. No one else's can compare."

"Awww," Ivy and Harley said at the same time.

"That's so sweet," Harley cooed approvingly.

"No man's ever preferred another woman's breasts to mine," Ivy nodded admiringly. "You must really love her."

"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind," Harley nodded sagely. "I'll forgive you for disparaging Ivy's magnificence," she said grandly to Jason.

"Is this girl who the purple flowers are for?" Ivy asked Jason sweetly.

"Yeah," he mumbled.

"Did you have a fight?" Harley asked. "Or break up?"

"No," Jason sulked. "I tried to ask her out and she got mad at me and now she's on a date with my ex-best friend and my dad said I should buy her flowers and apologize and see if she'll give me a second chance before things get serious with Roy but I don't even know what to apologize for, except my dad said I wasn't respectful to her, but I was," Jason grumbled.

"Tell us all about it," Ivy said, sitting down and patting the ground beside her.

"The doctor is in!" Harley beamed. "Don't spare no details. Give us the whole gory truth."

"Oh, honey," Ivy said with big eyes five minutes later.

"Dude," Harley said, staring at Jason in abject horror.

"What?" Jason huffed. "You too? Seriously? I thought that was really cute, to tie the sex in to the makeout session on the docks. Girls like cute shit, don't they? I thought she'd like that and think it was sweet."

"I'm gonna go get the purple roses," Ivy said quickly, starting to get up, but Harley snagged a hand out and grabbed her.

"Uh uh," she said. "You don't get to leave me alone with rocks for brains here."

"Since when are psychologists supposed to insult their patients?" Jason snarked at Harley.

"Since they lost their licenses and ain't gettin' paid," Harley smirked right back. "Look. Dude."

She paused, laying a delicate hand on her forehead.

"How'm I gonna say this?" she murmured to herself.

"You fucked up," Ivy supplied.

"You fucked up," Harley nodded. "Now. How many girlfriends have you had before?"

"None," Jason muttered.

"How many girls have you asked out before?" Ivy asked him.

"None," Jason grumbled.

"How many times have you gotten laid?" Harley asked him.

"None, ok!" Jason snapped at her. "None. Zero. I'm a loser with no experience, ok?"

"Hey, hey, hey, now," Harley said, suddenly serious. "No one's sayin' you're a loser. There ain't nothin' wrong with waitin' til you're ready. But you gotta take into account that just because you're suddenly ready, don't mean that she is. Ok?"

"She's had sex before," Jason said, wrinkling his brow up in confusion.

"So?" Harley said, her eyebrows going up to the sky. "That don't mean she wants to have sex with you. Besides, sex is a very personal thing for some people - which doesn't make them losers, either," she said, jabbing Jason in the arm. "You can't go makin' assumptions about what people want. Maybe she's gonna want to date for a long time first. You don't know."

"Besides, from what you told us, she didn't even think you liked her before your corporate espionage adventure," Ivy added. "So no wonder she felt insulted. She probably thinks you decided that she's hot 'cause you made out with her, so now you want to fuck her and that's it but you still don't like her."

"Oh," Jason said in dismay.

"Yeah. Oh," Harley snorted. "You didn't exactly say, gee, Steph, I really like you and I am so in love with you that I erroneously believe your boobs to be even more fabulous than Poison Ivy's, which are objectively the greatest tits on the planet."

"Didn't even say that," Ivy repeated sadly, shaking her head back and forth in pity, although to Jason's mind there was a smile that Ivy was fighting hard to contain as her eyes twinkled in the shadows at her girlfriend.

"Do you think the flowers will work?" Jason asked nervously.

"Purple's her favorite color?" Ivy asked him and he nodded. "Flowers are a good start, then," she said slowly.

"You need a note, too," Harley said decisively.

"I was gonna write a note," Jason said. "My dad said to apologize in it."

"And how exactly are you planning to do that?" Harley asked him skeptically. "Cuz no offense, dude, but you seem kinda clueless and are probably gonna fuck this up a second time and she don't sound like the type of girl to give you a third chance."

"How do I not fuck it up?" Jason said worriedly. "I really like her."

"You love her," Harley corrected him. "I know because it's affected your eyesight."

"Right," Jason said, side-eyeing Ivy, who was definitely giggling now.

"But don't tell her you love her yet," Harley said suddenly in concern, laying a hand on Jason's arm. "That'll freak her out and she'll think you're nuts."

"Yeah, I'm nuts," Jason said very seriously, looking Harley in the eyes.

"Right," Harley nodded. "Nuts about her."

"Well, yeah," Jason sighed. "That much is true. So what do I say?" he said, pulling out the elegant Wayne-monogrammed notecard and pen that Bruce had thoughtfully provided him with.

"Be honest," Ivy advised. "That'll give her sympathy for how dumb you were."

"Yeah, brutal honesty," Harley agreed, nodding. "Lay your virginity and inexperience bare."

"Ooo, are you gonna start talking like Shakespeare now?" Ivy murmured to her, crawling over closer and wrapping her arms around Harley's neck. "Sexy."

Harley giggled and kissed her. Jason tried not to be overly fascinated by the way that Ivy's vines began to grow and wrap around Harley. His mind was definitely not going there - nope. Nope. Steph's note. That's all he was thinking about. Uh huh.

"Steph's note," Jason said loudly, clearing his throat for good measure. "Help?"

"Talk it out to us before you write it," Ivy said, looking back over at him from their organic embrace. "Then we'll go pick the flowers."

Dear Steph,

I fucked up so bad and I'm so sorry. I like you so much and I thought I was being cute and sweet the other day but apparently I'm just an idiot. I've never dated anyone before - hell, I've never even asked anyone out or had sex before - I guess I just figured sex was what people who were dating did right away these days? I mean Bruce doesn't even date the people he fucks but he says he's not a good example, which to be fair, ok, I should have maybe figured out by now that I should do the exact opposite of what Bruce does in every area of my life, but, like - I kind of missed most of high school ('cause I was dead) and then everything was weird and I didn't really know how to do social things right when I came back to Gotham so I just didn't do them at all.

Because, like, who's gonna want to date Red Hood anyway? It wasn't like I could have a real girlfriend doing what I do.

So I thought.

But then we hung out and made out and I liked you so much and I had to go and fuck it up instead of just telling you that I'm crazy about you and I'd love to date you even though I don't have a clue what the fuck I'm doing.

But if you would please, please give me one more chance, I swear I'll get it right and I'll take you on dates and get to know you better - which I wanted to do before, but I see now you couldn't have known that when I was jumping straight to sex - and we don't even have to have sex at all, at least not until you're ready and you want to, I just want to date you and be your boyfriend if you'll let me. I think you're amazing, Stephanie Brown.

And you looked hot as hell tonight. But I still liked how you looked best when you were wearing my jacket down at the docks.

I'm sorry I tried to kill Roy. I'll try really hard to let him live if you decide to keep dating him instead of me; I'll even get Damian to supervise me around him, that's how sorry I am. I hope you can forgive me.

Please could I try again with you? For real, this time? I swear I won't fuck up so bad anymore. And when I do mess up, I'll fix it. I promise.

Plus I met a really great psychologist in the park tonight who will tell me how many rocks I have in my brain and what to do about it so you don't hate me, and she even does couples' counseling if we ever decide we need it.

And her girlfriend is gonna teach me how to grow purple roses in a pot on my roof so I can always have them to give to you. Not just for apologies, but she said I'd probably need to apologize to you a lot in the future if you let me date you so it would be a good idea to have them on hand. I hope she's wrong, though, and I only give them to you for good reasons, but, well, just in case, now I'll be prepared.

Love,

Jason.

"You think she'll give him another shot?" Harley asked Ivy later, when they were finally alone again and had made it to their afterglow.

"I think so," Ivy said with sleepy satisfaction. "He didn't even like my boobs."

"He did not," Harley agreed. "But you wouldn't let him put that in the note."

"A man who prefers his girl's boobs to mine doesn't need to come right out and say so," Ivy said wisely. "That level of devotion shines through all his words."

"Now who's Shakespeare, you sexy thing?" Harley beamed at her.

The End (Almost)

Epilogue

Last week

"Ciao, bella," Joey Falcone said to his wife when he came home, handing her the huge bouquet of flowers before pulling her into a sultry kiss.

"What's all this, Joey?" Carlotta said when he got handsy instead of letting her go.

"Ti amo," he murmured against her lips as he palmed her curves.

"I love you, too, amore mio," she said, squealing in surprise when Joey's hand made its way under her skirt to pinch her cotton-panty covered behind. "What's got you so frisky?" she said, leaning in to give him another kiss.

"Ehhh, I saw these kids down at the docks tonight so in love," he said, bending down to kiss her neck. "Reminded me of how we used to be thirty years ago," he said as he nuzzled her. "So wrapped up in each other we didn't even notice the rest of the world."

"Turn the stove off," Joey said as Carlotta hummed in delight. "Let me remind you, too."

"Joey, it'll ruin the eggplant!" his wife fussed at him.

"So let it ruin the eggplant," he said as he kissed her with the fiery passion of a much younger man.

Carlotta decided they could order in for once.

Her eggplant would have been much better than Luigi's, but, well, it was worth it. She hoped those two kids would be as happy after thirty years as she and her Joey were.

The Real End!

A/N - Thanks for reading, and to NoVacancyMind for a great prompt idea!

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