Angela locked herself in her study. Though she knew it was only a matter of time before Tony came after her, she also knew he'd give her enough time to cry it out in peace.
"Damn!" she muttered and stamped her foot when the tears kept coming. Why was she so upset? Because Tony had slept with Kathleen? The realization that they've been on different pages? Simply not being enough for him? This wasn't the first time his eye had wandered recently. There was that woman from the gym and that awful tenant next door. Probably more she didn't know about. She couldn't say her eye hadn't wandered either, but at least she could say she'd remained faithful... no matter where the relationship stood.
Surrendering to her emotions, she choked out a sob. With this came the answer. She wasn't jealous. She was hurt. Back in Jamaica, she was willing to start there and then. He knew this and he stopped it. Not because he wasn't interested or because it wasn't right, but because he wasn't ready despite thoughts of marriage. She understood that — appreciated it, even. So she waited. She waited for him to give the signal. As the year went on his flirtations grew bolder and more frequent. Saturdays became date night even if they'd never call them that. As far as she was concerned, they were on their way to something wonderful.
The suspicion of Kathleen nagged and confirmation stung. But to hear he wasn't through with the affair was what broke her. While their relationship has always been something of a question mark, she'd been so sure of a future together. Knowing there was a chance with Tony made the wait worthwhile. Even in the face of temptation, a charming man on a business trip or the handsome man sitting across from her on the train, all she had to do was think of Tony and know she had someone special waiting for her at home. That's what she'd thought.
It was her own fault, she reprimanded herself as she calmed down, moving from the window seat to her desk. She assumed too much. Neither of them said that night in Jamaica that they were exclusive. They weren't even a couple. Logically, she knew this, yet, she couldn't figure when her mental image of themselves had morphed into a firm commitment to one another. Was she so bad at reading him? Had she misinterpreted his compliments and teasing for something more than they were? Had she put too much stock into a relationship destined to fail? After all, he had said he didn't know about them until he knew about where his life was headed. Between making peace with Samantha going to college and deciding his career path, had she simply assumed he was ready to take that journey with her? The thought of him growing apart from her never entered her mind. Looking at it now, Kathleen made sense. Similar backgrounds, both students on their way to make a better future for themselves... There was a certain level of understanding there that she could never share with him. That part of her life was over.
The more she thought about it, the more she realized how set in her ways she was. She could never give up her career and follow him wherever he chose to go. Admitting this was painful. Did she not love him as much as she thought? Did Tony sense this? Is that part of what drove him to Kathleen? Maybe it wasn't conscious, but it made sense. The thought of a future with her must have trapped him. She'd feel the same if their roles were reversed. She remembered the sense of freedom that came with finishing school. He couldn't feel that so long as he was tied to her. While confusion continued to run rampant in her mind, she knew she loved him too much to ask him to give up his life as well.
It was time to let him go, she thought, her breath shaking. She never wanted to be the reason for hurting his future. That would only drive him away farther. Losing him wasn't an option, even if it meant she couldn't love him. Exhaustion swept over her. Three years, probably longer, she'd harbored these feelings for him, getting so close to admitting it only for something to get in the way. Wherever today ended, she wouldn't know for sure what drove him to someone else. She wasn't sure she wanted to know, either. If she lived in ignorance, she could at least pretend nothing was changing. If she kept at it long enough maybe things would go back to how they used to be... whatever they used to be.
Giving her eyes a final dab, she pulled out the folder for her most recent client, though it took her a few minutes to realize what she had in front of her. Her mind persisted to wander. Every time she caught herself she forced herself to refocus. Just because her home life was falling apart didn't mean her work had to suffer. Strange, she thought, how it had been easier to bury herself in files and ad campaigns throughout her divorce than it was at this moment.