tw: contains cursing, i don't know if that's a trigger but i'm putting it heere anyway
i own the art. the deer is evan unless you want to think the deer is jared. go ahead, i won't stop you. only thing is, the deer is supposed to be saying "what the fuck Jared" so yeah.
other titles include:
-evan the newly deered deer
-evan the newly formed deer
-evan the baby deer
-bambi evan
-oh deer! it's kliensen
-mOo
a/n: heyyyy! this oneshot is dedicated to the insanely cool eliza cuz she helped me get this idea! thank you eliza!
disclaimer: this will be very, very ridiculous...but that is the goal...i aim to make this as ridiculous as possible
without further ado, the disaster that you are choosing to read (you have been warned)
3rd person pov
It was summer, end of May or early June. Evan was in a tree. He was thinking about someone. "Jared is that someone. Why am I thinking about Jared? Well, it's simple! I'm thinking about Jared because I am 1000% straight and heterosexual. Not an ounce of gayness in my heterosexual body! Nope! I love girls! Zoe Murphy for example. Yes, yes I like Zoe Murphy. And...now I'm talking to myself." Evan said.
Eventually, Evan stopped trying to prove to himself and the tree that he was straight. Fun fact about Evan, he hasn't liked Zoe Murphy since sophomore year of high school. For context, he just finished his junior year.
There was another person in the forest. He was thinking about Evan. Today was the day that he would show Evan true magic. The latter-mentioned was still thinking about Jared.
(a/n: thoughts are in italics, these are currently evan's)
This conversation has happened too many times, Evan. You don't have a crush on your only family friend. It's possible that you might not exactly like Zoe anymore but you don't like Jared. Plus, you're not gay. And, even if you were gay, you wouldn't like Jared. Jared's probably straight anyway. Yes, that's it. We are both straight and-
"Yo, Evan? Where the fuck are you?" Jared yelled into the forest. Jared was hoping that Evan would be in the forest like he said that he might be. "Evan are you in one of the trees?" Jared screeched.
"I-fuck!" Evan yelped as he almost fell out of the tree. He regained his perch on the branch, having been previously shocked by his cru-no family friend's screeching.
"Evan? Was that you?" Jared sounded slightly concerned. He soon spotted Evan in a nearby tree.
"Sorry!" Evan said. Jared didn't hear him from that high up.
"Evan, I can't hear you, why don't you come down so we can talk."
"Ok. Wait, you can't hear me. Never mind." Evan made quick work of climbing down the tree.
"Hi Evan," Jared had butterflies in his stomach and they were flying around like crazy.
"Sorry," Evan said once again.
"Why would you say that?" Jared asked.
"I-I don't-sorry I-" Evan attempted to say.
"Ok anyway, I have to show you something," Jared said excitedly. Evan stared at him expectantly. "Ok so, do you like deer?"
"Sure?" Evan answered although it sounded more like a question.
"Awesome! Count to three," Jared instructed.
"Ok. One...two...three," as soon as Evan it three, Jared was gone. In his place was a deer. Evan ran about 10 feet up the tree, trying to get away from the deer as fast as he could. The deer disappeared and Jared was suddenly there again.
"You said you like deers!" Jared said annoyedly.
"Sorry. It's just-what the fuck?" Evan asked.
"You just saw it. Need I explain any further?" Jared asked.
"Yes, please explain," Evan said.
"I am Jared. You know, your friend or whatever. I can turn into a deer," Jared quickly turns into a deer and then back to a person so he can talk to Evan, "best part is, you are going to be a deer too!" Jared explained excitedly.
"But that's impossible!" Evan whisper-screamed.
"Why are you suddenly whispering?" Jared asked.
"Because this is secret magic stuff!" Evan whisper-screamed.
"And we are in the middle of the forest. Come back down here," Jared said. Evans climbs down again.
"I'm perfectly happy being a human. I don't think I want to be a deer," Evan reasoned nervously.
"It's fun and not at all dangerous," Jared assured him.
"Have you seen bambi?" Evan asked.
"Parts of it. But that's Disney, not real life," Jared said.
"Fair enough. How does it work?" Evan asked.
"You just think it," Jared said. Evan tries and fails to turn into a deer. After like 57 attempts and Jared practically dying on the ground from laughter, Evan finally succeeded. Jared signaled for him to follow him and then turned into a deer and began running.
"Slow down," Evan begged.
"Oh yeah, you're new, sorry," Jared said.
"No, it's fine," Evan replied quickly.
"Evan the newly formed deer," Jared said, "No, I think Evan the newly deered deer sounds a bit better."
"Ok?" Evan agreed confusedly. "Where are we going?"
"You'll see soon enough," Jared said. Evan didn't protest, he was barely keeping up with Jared's slow pace as it was. Soon came, well, soon. Jared led Evan to a small cove of trees that were about as deep into the forest as you can get. The trees formed a sort of barrier in the shape of an odd circle. Jared turned back into a human and Evan after a bit of jumping around and running into trees, turned back into a human as well.
"You ok there?" Jared asked. He was digging a hole in the ground.
"Yeah, sorry," Evan said.
"You don't need to apologize nearly as much as you do," Jared said. He grabbed a box and placed it on the ground between Evan and himself.
"Sorry," Evan said.
"It's ok, really," Jared said. Evan went to apologize but Jared cut him off. "There is one more thing that I must show you!"
"Ok, what is it?" Evan asked.
"Open the box to find out," Jared instructed. Evan opened the box and inside were...
Bath Bombs!
The box held at least 20 bath bombs, each of a different color. All of them were circular but some were glittery, some smelt fresh and others fruity. Some were a swirl of a few colors or even a rainbow, while others were one solid color.
"Jared, what the hell?" Evan asked.
"Those, Evan, are bath bombs," Jared explained.
"I understand that. But why? Why did you make me turn into a deer and then lead me to your secret stash of bath bombs?" Evan asked.
"It seemed like a fun activity," Jared said defensively.
"Sorry, I don't mean to sound mad. I'm just really confused right now," Evan said.
"Well have you had fun?" Jared asked.
"Yeah...but why did you want to come here?" Evan asked.
"Because I have to tell you something," Jared said. Butterflies were flying around haphazardly inside of him.
"Ok, I'm listening," Evan said.
"I really, really like...uh bath bombs. I really like bath bombs," Jared said.
"I know, you talk about them at least once a day," Evan said.
"Oh yeah," Jared said with a laugh.
"So you made me turn into a deer so that you could tell me that you like bath bombs?" Evan asked. A long pause.
"Well not exactly," Jared said. He knew he had to do what he came here to do.
"Then what do you want to do?" Evan asked.
"Tell you that I have a crush on you," Jared whispered. Evan's brain practically blew up. Did Jared really just say that? Is he joking? He must be joking. But what if he's not... No, he is. It's Jared. This is Jared, the 100% straight family friend.
"Are you joking?" Evan asked. Jared felt the life drain out of him.
"No, I really like you, Evan," Jared said with a hurt look on his face.
"Sorry," Evan said.
"Don't be. I didn't expect you to like me," Jared said.
"That's not why I'm sorry," Evan said.
"Oh," Jared said. What was he supposed to do now?
"Yeah. I'm sorry for not saying something sooner," Evan said. He couldn't believe what he was about to say but he couldn't say that he wasn't excited.
"Why is that?" Jared asked.
"'Cause I like you too," Evan said nervously. He saw Jared smile. Jared's smile always made him want to smile, even if he didn't want to. Right now he really did want to smile. He looked straight into Jared's eyes and asked a question that he had wanted to ask for a while, even if he wouldn't admit it. "Can I kiss you?"
"What? Yes, sure, please do," Jared said. Both of them were in shock and just sat there. For three minutes. Just taking each other in. Finally, Jared leaned forward and gently kissed Evan. Evan leaned into the kiss as soon as he realized what was going on. It wasn't too long of a kiss since neither of them really knew how to kiss. When they broke apart, both of them were smiling two of the biggest smiles ever known to deer.
Evan's pov (it should be mentioned that Evan was telling the story, just from a 3rd person perspective)
"And that's how your dad and I got together," I said to my child, the potted plant.
word count: 1431
a/n: hi! thanks for reading! i hope you enjoyed it!
to americans: yay! biden won! this is super amazing! but this also means civil unrest, violence, and other bad stuff from the trump supporters. try to stay indoors if you can. please stay safe everyone!
to all of you: eat food, drink water, take your meds, get some sleep, please stay safe, and remember to love yourself! our pms are always open to anyone! -