A/N: This chapter was difficult to write, I even cried a little writing it. I wasn't expecting to have it in the story. But I felt like it was important. (Let me know if anyone's still angry at Beca...) The things she says I know are felt by people. And if you've never been through what she's going through, maybe this will give you insight. So I'm sorry about the heaviness of this chapter. But don't fret, next chapters will be much lighter and happier! :)
Chapter 15: Give Your Heart A Break
Beca was tossing and turning in her bed. It was almost midnight and she felt the familiar feelings of a panic attack creeping up. She wanted so badly to text Chloe to come up and just sit with her and all would be okay, but she knew that her feelings about Chloe were what were keeping her awake. She finally threw the sheets off her bed and changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants to leave the house. She carefully tiptoed down the stairs, knowing that Aubrey had a crazy sense of hearing and didn't want to wake her. She carefully lifted Chloe's set of keys from the hook by the door and snuck out of the house to drive to Jesse and Ben's apartment.
She knocked on the door the first time feeling super guilty. They were probably asleep already and she hated to be a bother. When no response came she knocked again, a little louder. She heard some noises from the apartment and figured someone was coming to open the door.
"Beca?" Jesse rubbed his eyes when he opened the door. Ben was standing not too far behind him. "Are you okay? What's going on?"
"I…" Beca looked between Jesse and Ben. "I don't...I can't...how do you accept...how can I accept feeling…" Beca clenched her fists as she stood in the doorway. Jesse gently pulled her inside and shut the door.
"Beca, what's wrong?" He whispered as they stood in the living room.
"How did you accept you were gay?" Beca looked up with watery eyes. She looked between the two with desperation as if they had the ultimate answers for what she was going through.
"Well...that's a loaded question, Becs." Jesse ran a hand through his hair and glanced at Ben. "I guess deep down I always knew. I remember the day I told my parents they actually kind of laughed at me. They said they were wondering when I would finally admit it." Jesse smiled as he thought back to that moment. "But its different for everyone. Are you...do you have feelings for girls, Becs?"
"Yeah." She couldn't control the tears at that point and just leaned into Jesse for comfort. He and Ben exchanged knowing glances as Ben went into the kitchen to make some tea.
"I first realized feelings I had for girls when I was fourteen. And my dad is super religious and he was even a Sunday school teacher at our church. And all I ever heard was homosexuals go to hell, homesexuals go to hell. All I was ever told was the thoughts I had in my head were wrong. I spent so many nights alone in my bed looking at the ceiling and pleading with God to make these feelings go away." Beca shook as she let a few sobs out. Jesse just held her and waited for when she was ready to keep going.
"I begged Him! I begged Him to make it stop. Just make it fucking stop! I didn't want to spend eternity in hell, so why was I being forced to have these feelings if they were so wrong?" She buried her face in his shoulder. Jesse cried with her, only stroking her hair, not knowing what to say, waiting for her to get everything off her chest she needed to. Ben came over and sat in the chair opposite them and set the tea down, doing his best to not interrupt Beca's need for her outburst.
"I begged Him, Jesse! I sat up night after night, fucking pleading to make the feelings go away. And you know what?! They only got worse! I fucking hated myself! So I just tried to be the person who was a loner. You know? I don't like people; I want to be by myself; I don't want anyone in my life. If I'm alone I won't be gay and I won't go to hell. And then I met Chloe fucking Beale and I swear I fell in love the moment I met her. And I was so angry. I was so fucking pissed because there was always a voice in my head screaming that it was wrong and that I'd burn in hell if I ever acted on my feelings. But I did." Beca took deep breaths as she sobbed into Jesse's shirt. Ben was wiping away his own tears while Jesse closed his eyes trying not to burst into his own sobbing mess.
"I acted on them Jesse. And all I heard in my head was that I was wrong. I was going to hell. I can't help what I feel? And I just hurt her...I was such a terrible person to her and she never deserved it. And I hate myself. Not just because I treated Chloe like shit but because I hate that I feel broken and that I'm so fucked up just because I'm attracted to a girl. All my life has taught me that those feelings make me wrong. They make me eternally damned. The people I looked up to and respected taught me that I'll go to hell because of what I feel. And I've pleaded with God to just make it stop. I just wanted it to stop! And he never made it stop, Jesse! He just let me keep feeling how I feel with no instruction on how to handle it! So now I feel like there's something wrong with me and I'm broken. And I hate myself so much. I just want it to stop. I'm too much of a fucking coward to kill myself but for the past five years I've spent more nights than I can count wanting die. I asked God if he won't change my feelings, hell, then just fucking take my life already. I didn't want to be alive anymore. I just wanted to not be alive. And then I was pissed at my parents. Why did they even have to conceive me? Why'd they even have to meet? Maybe if they never had this fucked up child that is me then none of this would have happened. I'm pissed I was ever even born and I don't know what to do! I don't know how to make things in my life okay, Jesse! And I literally just want to fucking die. I mean, I don't WANT to die, I just wish I had never existed to begin with." Beca had become a blubbering mess and she gripped onto Jesse's shirt for dear life as she continued crying. Ben stood up and came over to wrap his arm around Beca while Jesse held her. Ben and Jesse exchanged glances, not completely sure what they should say in this moment. They both had experienced hate and ignorance, but they had never felt hate towards themselves. Both of their hearts broke hearing Beca say she hated herself just for feeling what she felt. It was unfair. And they couldn't make it right.
"And me and Chloe are okay again, like we're friends again. But I feel like I don't even deserve that. I mean I want to be more than friends, obviously. But I pushed her away because of my psychological issues. And she deserves someone who loves her completely and isn't ashamed at all. And there's still a part of me that's ashamed. But fuck, I want her! I just want to be with her. I love her so much that I think I should just back away because she deserves someone who's not fucking broken. She deserves someone who is willing to scream from the rooftops that they love her. She deserves someone who doesn't feel like there's something wrong with them because they want to be with her. There's something wrong with me, and I can't fix it."
"There's nothing wrong with you." Jesse whispered, holding Beca as if his grip could take her pain away. "There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect. And you are loved. You can not let other people's hatred and ignorance ruin your life. You deserve to live a long life that is filled with love. And who you choose to spend that life with should never determine your eternity. You are amazing, Beca. You are a wonderful person. I hate hate, but dammit I HATE that people have made you feel this way about yourself." Jesse rested his head on top of Beca's as she continued crying. Ben had tears streaming down his cheeks as he reached out and placed his hand on Beca's back. There was literally nothing they could do for her until she accepted herself. And that is a lot harder to do when you've spent years agreeing that who you are is broken, wrong, and damned.
"What if I never accept myself, Jesse?" Beca gripped his arms for dear life. "Does that make me as bad as them?"
Again Jesse and Ben exchanged glances. They had no idea how to respond to a question like that.
"I don't think so, Becs. Because I think you are brave enough and strong enough to accept yourself. I think you will accept who you are and become proud of it. It might take time, but I think one day you will. And you will be so happy. But Beca look at me." Jesse lifted her head to look him in the eyes. "You are not a mistake. You are not broken. And there is nothing wrong with you."
"I just wish the pain would stop." Beca closed her eyes. "I just want it to stop."
"Me too. I wish I could take it away for you." Jesse pulled her in for a hug and rocked her slowly on the couch. Ben put his head in one of his hands, his heart breaking for Beca too.
"Please…" Beca took a deep breath, out of tears for now. "Please, I beg you, don't tell Chloe."
"We would never." Jesse shook his head. "That's not our place to do. I hope you find the courage to do it, though. I would be so proud of you. And I think you would be so happy."
"I hope I can, too." Beca let out a deep breath.
"Do you want to stay here tonight?" Jesse ran a thumb across her cheeks, wiping the tears away. Beca just nodded.
"I'll go get some blankets and an extra pillow." Ben stood up to go to the closet.
"I'm going to text Chloe that you're here, though. Especially since it looks like you stole her car." Jesse smiled tentatively, hoping to get just a little grin from the brunette. She obliged and let out a small laugh.
"Okay." Beca nodded and rested her head on Jesse's shoulder.
Chloe rolled over to the sound of her phone beeping three times. She rubbed her eyes, expecting a text from Beca to come upstairs but was surprised to see Jesse's name. She checked the time (3:45am). She sat up quickly, thinking that something had to be wrong for Jesse to be texting her. Her eyes frantically read through the texts.
Jesse: Hey Chloe, sorry for texting so late. Just wanted you to know Beca's here so you're not worried
Jesse: She had some type of panic attack and once she calmed down I told her to stay on our couch
Jesse: Oh and she took your car. Its here too
Chloe's heart was racing. What could possibly have possessed Beca to drive across town to Jesse when she had Chloe in the same house? She looked at Aubrey who had slowly opened her eyes, hearing Chloe shuffling in her bed.
"Aubs…" Chloe whispered.
"Hmm…" The blonde groaned.
"Can I borrow your car?"
"What for?" Aubrey stretched her arms over her head and looked at Chloe in confusion.
"I need to go check on Beca. She's at Jesse's. He said she had some panic attack."
"Oh for fuck's sake." Aubrey rolled over. "Do you want me to come with you?"
"No, that's okay. I don't want to make you lose any more sleep."
"I'm coming with you." Aubrey rolled her eyes and slowly got out of bed. "I won't be able to go back to sleep anyway." They got dressed and then headed to Jesse and Ben's apartment.
Jesse stepped outside the door when Chloe texted him they were there. He looked between Chloe and Aubrey with concern in his eyes.
"I was really worried about her. I've never seen her like that before. She's the toughest chick I know and she was just so…" He shook his head not knowing what to say.
"What was she upset about?" Aubrey asked. Jesse paused for a moment and glanced at Chloe.
"She was just having some self-doubt issues. Said stuff like she wished she wasn't born and stuff. She was in so much pain, I didn't know how to help her." He ran his hand through his hair, eyes tearing up remembering how Beca looked in the middle of her breakdown.
"Is she still awake?" Chloe managed to ask without tearing up herself. Jesse nodded and let them inside. Beca was sipping on her tea with a blank expression on her face. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying every tear she had available. Her eyes traveled to see Chloe and Aubrey come in. She was shocked and gave a look to Jesse. He stood behind the girls and put his hands up and shook his head, signaling he didn't tell them about her feelings.
"Beca, are you okay?" Chloe fell on the couch and wrapped an arm around the smaller girl. Aubrey walked over to the other side and rested a hand on Beca's shoulder.
"You can talk to us, you know?" Aubrey whispered. Beca just sat frozen, holding onto the mug tightly.
"I know. I'm sorry I scared you guys by coming over here. I was just…" She shook her head.
"Its okay." Chloe rubbed her back. "You don't have to say anything if you don't want to." Beca closed her eyes in relief. Jesse had returned to the room with extra pillows and blankets for Chloe and Aubrey.
"I assume y'all are going to stay too?" He smiled lightly.
"Thanks, Jesse." Aubrey gratefully took the pillow and set up a little spot by the couch to sleep. Chloe wrapped a blanket around her and Beca and just sat in silence, holding Beca in hopes of fighting off all the darkness that seemed to be in Beca's head.
Beca woke up the next morning feeling in a fog. Chloe was awake beside her sipping on coffee, staring at the wall. Aubrey and Jesse were in the kitchen bickering over the proper way to make eggs. When Chloe realized Beca was awake she broke into a smile.
"Morning! How are you feeling?"
"Umm...sore." Beca tried to stretch her back after falling asleep sitting on the couch beside Chloe. "And a little embarrassed."
"About what?" Aubrey came over and handed her a cup of coffee.
"Just about my little breakdown and making you guys come over here and stressing people out and-"
"Beca, stop." Chloe interrupted. "That's what friends are for. We're here for you and we aren't mad or judging or anything like that, okay? We love you."
"Yeah. Even if you do drive me crazy, sometimes." Aubrey smirked, hoping to lighten Beca's mood. She succeeded and Beca broke out a big grin.
"Well you make it so easy. And for the record...I love you guys too." Aubrey scooted in next to Beca as the three of them shared a hug. Beca didn't even flinch away. She leaned her head against Chloe's that was resting on her shoulder. I've got to sack up and tell her at some point. For now, Beca just closed her eyes, feeling grateful to be surrounded by her best friends, and she felt safe.