I screw myself out of everything good.

Note; Hey guys I know it's been some time since I've posted and yes I'm aware I left my other Jolex story hanging. I'm so sorry to those who have been waiting for me to update. To put it simple my muse for it disappeared a bit, and with work lately I've just felt exhausted. But eventually I do plan on going back to the story. But for now I'm starting this Jolex one. All based off the shit show that was 16.16. The events that happened are still in play but I wanted to redo it a bit here. Heads up in this story until Alex and Jo are back in the same place each chapter will be more of each perspective. I will never be okay with how Alex's story ended so here I am putting it into writing. I hope you all like it. Thank you for all the support in all my stories.

Wind knocked out of you. Alex Karev felt the wind beneath his feet get pulled in that moment. He recalled that day before the trail for Meredith as if it were yesterday. The second he heard her voice; why had he decided to dig himself a hole and reach out to Izzie? He told himself it was for Meredith or maybe he wanted to know if she was happy as he was with Jo. He truly couldn't believe he got Jo to marry him twice now. Just glancing at her sleeping figure under the covers of their sheets at the corner of his eyes brought a lingering smile to his lips.

He wanted to be as quiet as possible, he didn't want to disturb her that morning. Eyes darting over to the pictures of the couple on display on the refrigerator door. Was it wrong to reach out? Probably but he wanted to know. But what Alex got in return was more than he ever thought. Mid conversation of a catch up session, his back pressed against the chair at their kitchen table. He heard the little noises of children in the background, that's when curiosity got the best of him when he asked. " Iz.. do you have kids?"

He should've stopped while he was ahead. What came next had his mind spinning, had him wanting to drop the phone. Izzie had two kids; and she used his stuff, she had his kids. Alex Karev was a father.. He swore his heart stopped; he didn't want to be like his own dad. He didn't want to be the guy that abandoned his kids. But Jo.. his life he was building with Jo. How could he do both?

He felt conflicted; he felt like his back was pressed up against a wall. He wanted to be with Jo but he also wanted to be a part of his kids life's. He knew in that moment after the trial he would have to head to Kansas to see for himself. He needed to meet them. His plan was to only be gone for a few days which is why he lied. He wanted to seek the situation out for himself before he told Jo. He didn't want to hurt her; to this day it made him sick to his stomach to know he had broken her heart. His own heart broke that day.

Leaving her, abandoning her; his broken promises it tore him up inside. Some days he could barely look in the mirror without feeling disgusted with himself. He made a vow to himself and Jo that he wasn't going anywhere and here he was going back on the love he had for her.

Sitting here at the dining table, his hands flat on the wooden table he tried to close his eyes in hopes of releasing the pain he felt. He thought back to that day. The day he decided to throw his old life away; the day he decided to be the honorable guy; the guy that stayed for his kids. The guy that was forcing himself to love Izzie; to be the family guy although two hearts broke when he wrote that goodbye letter to Jo. He felt the numbness in his fingers, his body when he wrote

" I don't know how to end this.. I don't want to. Goodbye." He felt the tears sting to his eyes that day when he took the pen in his shaken grasp, he tried to make his name look neat but he was shaking to the core. How was he supposed to sign these divoice papers when his heart was aching. This felt like the right thing to do. He couldn't be the guy that was worthy for Jo; she deserved better. She deserved to be the focus, to be loved. He would always love her; but this was what was right.

Weeks passed; where he started to wonder if his letters made it to Seattle, he would let his eyes wonder to the saved home screen on his phone where there was a picture of Jo and himself; their wedding picture; the suit and white dress. He remembered that day as if it were yesterday. He knew it was wrong; he chose to stay in Kansas with his kids; with Izzie. He was trying he was trying to be with her; they slept in the same bed each night; they parented kids together. But there was this lost of love.

He loved her for giving him kids; but he knew in his heart he would never be in love with her. He tried for Eli and Alexis; he wanted to be the family guy; but he knew where he laid. He knew he needed to set the record straight with Izzie. He didn't want to lead her on or hurt her like he had Jo.

Alex knew he letters arrived when he was getting up one morning and he got a text from Meredith saying " I miss you but I understand. I hope you're happy there." He wanted to reach out and return her text; but what could he say? Oh hey Mer I'm already regretting staying here. He needed his actions to have a purpose. He needed his actions to be worth it. All this pain and sorrow he needed it to be worth hurting Jo; letting the love of his life go.

But somehow the pain stayed with him. He could hear the feet of his kids outside probably with the horse they liked to visit before heading to school. The bus was due to arrive in the next few minutes. Izzie was already at the hospital. He pushed himself up onto his feet making his way out the front door seeing his kids come into few, light jackets on, with the brush of wind hitting their backs. He felt the slight breeze in the morning air.

Grasp onto his phone tightly as he lifted the phone. This; raising kids; it was all supposed to be with Jo. He planned this future with her. He felt the lost of something missing. A piece of him was missing.

Glancing at the background on his phone he felt this urge; he needed to hear her voice. Even if she yelled; screamed or hung up on him. He needed to try. With brown eyes on his kids petting the soft fur of the light brown horse behind the fence his fingers ran over the call button to his ex. One push and he brought the phone to his ear. Ring.. ring.. Ring..

Would she answer? Or would she give him the silent treatment. He soon heard the familiar voice.

" Hello.." Her voice instantly brought this grin to his lips; he couldn't deny the fluttering in his chest hearing her voice again. But he opened his mouth and closed a few times until he hung up the phone. Hearing and speaking to Jo were two different things.

Damage was done; even if he wanted to turn back the pages. It took all the urge in the world not to call her again; but he felt lost.

He was no longer without his light; his compass. He loved his kids; but his heart was in Seattle.