I always screw myself out of everything good; Chapter 3

Note during the phone conversation bold will be Jo and normal will be Alex. That's how it'll be for any speak conversations they have during this story.

Ringing could be heard within the small farm, the laughs emitted from his kids across the porch. He knew in his gut being here, being the dad they deserved was in his best interest, but he did feel selfish. He felt selfish for missing Jo, for missing the life they were building. He never wanted to be his dad; he vowed to be present, he vowed to not abandon his kids. But he abandoned Jo; it felt as if he was his dad either way.

But his heart wasn't here in Kansas it never was. The soft buzzing of his phone vibrated in his hand, curious eyes glanced down at the ID. What? He swore he needed to blink a few times there was no way this was real.

ID read Jo Karev. Yes he still had her listed as Karev; because despite his actions he would always consider her Karev. Hands clamped up with nerves as he debated in his mind. Was he ready to talk to her? Why was she calling back? Was this a mistake? He had questions yet all he could do was press the green button answering. Pressing the phone to his call.

" Jo.." At first he didn't get an answer not that he blamed her, but he could hear her breathing through the speaker.

Ring.. ring.. God Jo was tempted to hang up. Why should she want to hear from him? Maybe because she needed to hear all this letting go, hurting her was worth it for him. That Izzie and those damn kids were worth destroying the love they built. Her thoughts wer cut short when she heard his voice. Chills ran down her arms in this quiet room.

" Alex.. You answered."

Emitting a small laugh; of course Jo was as surprised as he was.

" Yeah, I debated if I should. But I wanted to hear your voice. I know you don't owe me anything. I don't deserve to hear from you but I wanted to. "

Sucking in the lump in her throat she felt conflicted. Alex didn't get the right to speak that way to her.

" Stop. You don't get to say you wanted to hear my voice. You had months, years to hear my voice. Until you throw it away. You left me in the cold. After you promised you wouldn't.. I only called because I need to hear you say it. I need you to tell me this is what you want.."

Everything in Jo told her to keep herself together. She refused to cry, she couldn't shed yet another tear on him. He didn't get the right to make her cry all over again.

But he couldn't. He didn't want a divoice, he didn't want to not see Jo again. But how does he express just that.

" I can't tell you what you want to hear. Writing that letter, saying goodbye it took a lot for me to do it. I didn't want to. I don't want to.. But Jo this was never going to work. Even if what I want is you, I have kids, I have responsibilities.. I couldn't be selfish. And please don't get mad at Iz.. she never asked me to give up my life in Seattle. But my hands were tired, I either abandon my kids or us, at the time I felt I had no choice.." Pausing he felt his eyes close for a brief second before he parted his lips to speak again. " I love you. I know its selfish to say but I love you. "

No no he couldn't be playing with her emotions now. Eyes staring blankly into the wall in the room she felt the tears roll down her cheeks. " You should've given me a choice. You should've told me Alex. God you know I would've gone anywhere for you right? You decided what you felt was right without telling me. You should've given me the choice." Teeth pushed into her lips almost enough to make her lip bleed. This was a bad idea because now she was getting angry. Without much of a thought in anger she took her phone and clicked the red button hanging up the phone. Serve him right for trying to back himself up and claim to love her.

He left. He didn't give her the option to go with him; the damage was done. She was hurting, and she was angry. God she wished she could hate him but she's tried desperately to hate him for weeks. But instead she held onto the parts of him that loved her. She shouldn't break; he was all talk and nothing to back him up on. Placing her phone on the table she sat there for what felt like an inturnity. She was debating with herself. She wanted to believe him but his actions were what spoke to her.

She wanted to see him, she hated herself for wanting to see him. He hurt her; broke her heart yet some simple words of love got the best of her. Should she go see him? Or was it worthless?