More than five hours later, as he lumbered up the ramp into the Falcon and dropped a plain brown package on the dejarik table, Han no longer felt anything.
The ship was silent but for the sounds all craft seemed to make when they were not in motion so, as he stood in the galley contemplating his next action, it was easy to hear the sounds of feet approaching. The footfalls were well known to him. One determined and forthright, the other more tentative, less demanding.
He hadn't called his children, but holos buzzed everywhere across this Goddamn awful planet and he had no doubt that his wife's emergency dash across the city had been recorded and transmitted a zillion times in the hours that had passed. For Jaina and Jacen to have missed it would have taken a miracle.
And Han Solo was fresh out of those.
Grabbing three tumblers, he bounced ice and sloshed whiskey into all three before carrying them along with the bottle out to the main hold.
At least they had come alone, he was relieved to see that. Looking at their faces it was difficult to determine which offspring had cried more.
He planted two glasses down and slumped against the bulkhead. "A toast. To a Princess. And a guy like me." His gravelly voice intoned. He drained his glass in one, refilling it immediately.
"Dad..." Jaina started to say. He waved her question away and sat at the engineering station.
With a brief glance to one another, Jaina and Jacen sat across from their father at the games table.
"Cheers." Jacen said and took a drink.
"Shloll." Jaina added, using the Corellian word.
Han rolled his tumbler between his hands watching the liquid swish and the ice cubes chink as they slapped the side of the glass.
"You wanna know what happened? Me too. Embolism was their first guess, then they decided upon aneurysm. Inter-cranial aneurysm, to give it it's proper name. She coulda been carrying it for years and then, poof, it just popped!" He emptied his glass for the second time and put the glass beside the bottle at his feet. "Your Mom passed about..oh, woulda been around oh four hundred, give or take. That was about the time the crash team decided to show up at least. Reminds me..." He rose, strolled over to the dejarik table and opened the brown package. "I gotta hang this, your Mom'll birth a damn Bantha if it's gets any more wrinkled!"
He pulled the pure white gown Leia had been wearing the evening before from the bag along with her slippers and strolled off toward the bunkrooms. Jaina and Jacen looked at one another.
"You think he's all right?" Jacen asked.
"What kind of dumb ass question is that?" Jaina snarled.
"I'm just trying to figure him out." Jacen reasoned.
"Asshole!" She hissed at him.
"Don't call your brother names." Han ordered, returning to the main hold. "Talking of brothers, where's Jorj?"
"He's with Jag, Dad. I didn't think..not knowing what had happened..I wasn't sure if he ought to be here." Jaina said softly.
"I didn't finish telling you, did I?" Han asked, filling his glass and sitting once more. "The crash team got your Mom's heart started and got her stabilised. Then the medics moved back in and did a..a..you know, a what's-it-called..a dilate an' something 'cos she'd, well you know, she'd lost the baby."
"Baby?" Jacen blurted.
"Dilation and Curettage. It'll remove any tissue left after a miscarriage that might cause infection." Jaina said.
"That's right! Dilation and Curettage." Han snapped his fingers in recognition.
"You knew Mom was pregnant?" Jacen pressed Jaina. "An' how was Mom pregnant."
"Sssh!" Jaina hushed her brother.
"The usual way son. By repeated and, though I say so myself, highly enjoyable sex." Han winked at his boy. "You wanna try it sometime."
"I..." Jacen began, blushing.
"But, hey, look what they gave me." Han fished in his pocket and pulled out a device a little larger than a commlink. "You know how those fancy restaurants give you a clicker, so you get one click when you're next in line and another when your table's free and one that sends a shock right through your gonads 'cos you forgot you put the thing in your pocket after you got the okay to go use the 'fresher while you're waiting? Well, now they give you one at the hospital too. That way when your wife dies on their table for a second time, they can click you so nobody actually has to talk to the poor unfortunate bastard who just lost the only woman to have completely possessed his heart!"
Han, breathing heavily, snatched up his glass and threw it's contents down his throat.
"Daddy!" Jaina pushed to her feet and flew toward him.
"It's okay. I'm all right." Han insisted.
"Well, maybe I'm not." She told him and landed on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her head against his shoulder.
"Okay. All right. I get that." He patted her back, soothing her upset with his loving embrace. When she calmed, she climbed off her father's lap and returned to sit beside her brother.
"Sorry I shushed you." She said to Jacen.
"I can't believe Mom was pregnant." Jacen mumbled.
"We were kinda just getting used to the idea ourselves kid. We weren't keeping it from you." Han promised.
"Is she...I mean, can they tell..." Jacen stammered.
"She's stable. That's as good as it gets." Han answered.
"Can we go see her?" Jaina queried.
Han lifted a shoulder, sadly. "She won't know you're there sweetheart."
"Force sensitive Dad. She'll know." Jacen assured him.
Han nodded his understanding. "Give me a half hour to go get changed and I'll take you. I need to go talk to your brother too."
"Jorj? He'll be terribly upset." Jaina pointed out.
"That's why you two are coming with me." Han said and headed off to change his clothing.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
Explaining his mother's condition to Jorj had been earsier than Han had expected. He and Leia had agreed to keep facts simple and that seemed to work well with the boy.
Arriving at the hospital though, he now questioned the wisdom of bringing the child with them knowing the sight of his mother attached to more equipment than the Falcon took to fly was likely to cause him major upset.
A medical droid greeted them and almost flipped a transmitter on seeing there were four of them. Hospital policy permitted three visitors only at any one time at a patient's bedside and hospital policy was law.
Han Solo wasn't much for following policy. Or protocol. Or law. So despite the droid's furious attempts to stop him, Han scooped Jorj into his arms and marched into Leia's suite where another droid stood to the side, waiting. Voice and tone activated, the VT-Twenty One was on standby should any of Leia's life supports indicate a change in her condition.
Jorj clutched his father's neck tightly and whimpered against his collarbone. Han caressed the boy's back and kept his hold as comforting as possible, sitting near enough to Leia that she might feel his presence but far enough that Jorj might not feel intimidated.
Jaina and Jacen both held one of their mother's hands, hoping to feel some sense of comfort from her life-force. There was little for either of them.
"Don' wanna daddy!" Jorj mumbled into his father's chest.
"It's not nearly as scary as you might think." Han encouraged, though not forcing his boy to look.
"Mom. It's me, Jaina. We're all right here beside you Mom. Right here, whenever you're ready to come back to us." Jaina said.
"I felt a flicker." Jacen whispered over to Jaina.
"It was just electro-static discharge." Jaina whispered back, her head shaking.
Jacen sank down onto a stool, probing for any sign his mother was responding. "Mom, it's Jace." He said, dropping his head in shame. "Talk about stating the obvious!"
"It's not about what you say. It's about her knowing we're here." Jaina stressed.
"Still feels dumb." Jacen mumbled.
"Like you need to excuse! He's just being his usual repressed self." Jaina told her mother. "You didn't say anything when you got home but look..." She lifted her mother's hand to press to her abdomen. "I'm showing!"
"Showing what?" Jorj mumbled round the thumb he was sucking.
"My baby. You want to come see?" Jaina asked.
Unsure at first whether or not he did, Jorj slid from his father's knee to circle the end of the bed and go to Jaina who accentuated her abdomen for him.
"There's a whole baby in there?" Jorj asked, astonished.
"Well, he or she is very tiny right now, but growing every day. Bit like you! Man, you're getting heavy!" Jaina answered, helping Jorj to climb onto her lap.
"It's because I'm nearly eight." Jorj stated.
"Oh right, that explains it! I guess you'll be wanting a present then." Jaina said.
"Ahuh! I got a list." Jorj replied.
"I just bet you have." Jaina said under her breath. "How about we go get you a soda?"
Jorj looked to his father for approval who nodded without hesitation. Han was still thinking about what Jaina had said about her baby growing bigger every day as he felt her squeeze his shoulder and promised to be back in a few minutes.
With a sharp intake of breath Han asked Jacen. "You sorted that little filly out yet?"
"Daaaaad!" Jacen groaned.
"Seriously son, you got marshmallow for brains?" Han asked.
"We're taking it slow." His son replied.
"Any slower you'll be moving backwards!" Han goaded. "Take me an' your Mom..."
"Dad! I am not you. And Tilly isn't Mom!" Jacen interrupted.
"I'm just saying, life's short son. Too short!" Han added, looking at his wife. "If you don't make a move soon, some other guy's gonna get there first."
"We live together Dad. We have a baby together..." Jacen started.
"Except, you don't. Not really." Han countered. Jacen's nostrils flared and he turned away to look at his mother. "What you so scared of anyway? She's only flesh and blood."
"Is that how you saw Mom?" Jacen asked, swinging back to face his father.
"I didn't put her on no pedestal if that's what you mean." Han shot back.
"That old couple, they treated her pretty badly Dad. Not like she was their employee, more like she was their slave." Jacen said, shaking his head sadly. "I want her to know she means more than that to me."
"Did I ever tell you..." Han began.
"Oh brother! Do I really have to endure another trip down memory lane?" Jacen groaned.
Han folded his arms and pursed his lips. "You used to love my stories."
"I grew up Dad. You should try it sometime." Jacen stated and pushed to his feet. "You want some caf, or are you still drunk on the delirium of history?"
He didn't wait for an answer, marching from the suite before his father could chastise him further.
Han eyed his wife. "Did a real great job with that one, didn't I?" He queried. "I dunno Ley, it's like we talk a different language sometimes. I try to understand him but seriously, how hard can it be to tell the girl how he's feeling. Hmm, I know what you're thinking. Like father, like son, right? Well, you're wrong. Dead wrong. I told you all the time, you just didn't like to admit what you were hearing."
"Such as?" Leia asked.
"Such as when I came back right before the Battle of Yavin." He leaned back, legs stretched before him and crossed at the ankles, hands laced behind his head. "I know Chewie liked to think he had a paw in that decision but Han Solo is his own man an' he makes decisions for himself!" Then the hands unlaced and Han straightened, slowly. "L...Leia?" He asked, confused.
"Over here flyboy." Her voice told him.
His head snapped to a corner of the suite where Leia leaned against a wall, wearing the long white gown and hairbuns she had sported the day they'd first met. Gasping for breath, he turned back to the prone Leia in her hospital bed.
The Leia from the corner tutted and moved to stand beside her other self. "Don't look so aghast, I'm not dead. Not yet at least." She told him.
"Then..." Han gasped again, unbelieving.
"I'm just your subconscious talking to you in her form. Or my form, depending on your point of view." She sat, swinging her legs onto the edge of the bed, crossing her ankles. "You were telling me all the times you told me how you felt without actually having to clutter the atmosphere with actual words."
"I..I was?" He stuttered.
"Ahuh." She confirmed. "Your example was you coming back right before the Battle of Yavin."
"If that wasn't a declaration of intent, I don't know what is." He said, his brow furrowing. "So, are you a dream or an apparition?"
"You choose." She teased, red glossed lips smirking at him.
"I'm not playing this game!" He shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest.
"Do you remember your last words to me?" She asked.
"Not playing." He sing-songed.
"You said there'll always be tomorrow for us. Well I hate to burst your bubble, honey, but this is tomorrow." She spread her hands indicating the body before her.
"So, this is what? My chance to set the record straight? If you are Leia, you already know how I feel. You don't need to put me through this." He scoffed.
"Maybe I need to hear you say it. You know, one last time." She suggested.
"You're telling me this is the end. This is not the end!" He said, furiously.
Leia leaned an elbow against the bed. "What did you really think of me when you first saw me?"
"I don't think I was thinking much at all. I mean, there was clearly an issue with your mouth." He replied and she laughed at that. "Apart from that...I was mostly thinking about how I was gonna get my ass outta there in one piece, I didn't have time to give yours much of a second glance."
"Ironic really, seeing as you couldn't take your eyes off it after that." She said, arching an eyebrow at him.
"That's only 'cos High Command kept sending me in to haul it outta the fire!" He argued. "I liked that little number you wore to the medal ceremony though."
"This old thing?" She asked rising. Her dress had transformed into the one she'd worn to the ceremony, her hair now in it's elaborate plait trailing from the bun bound to her head.
"Yeah. I liked that." He leered.
"I almost didn't wear it." She said.
"I woulda prob'ly liked that a whole lot more." His leer widened and Leia laughed again. "Can you, you know, transform into anything?"
"You mean like a tauntaun or a bantha cub? No." She smiled. "For one thing, I'm Leia. And for another, I'm not really here Han. Just inside your head."