I always screw myself out of everything good; Chapter 5

It was probably wrong to be happy to see Jo. But Alex couldn't deny how thrilled he was to see her, he thought about her especially after that call the night before. He's debated for weeks since he sent those letters out if he would be over Jo. Truth was he never actually wanted a divorce, it was hardest choice he made. And he was aware no one forced his hand, no one told him to end his marriage. Even if Izzie tried; he would've stood his own ground. He doesn't take orders from her. She flipped his life upside down out of nowhere. It was the guy that refused to be a dead beat dad like his own father that motivated him to be here in Kansas. He wanted to be part of their lives but unfortunately that required Izzie to be in his. Yes when he first heard her voice, when he first got here he felt that sense of love he once felt with her. But he wasn't in love with her; it took him a day to come to his senses on that one. He had this love for Izzie because he loved her for giving him these kids, but he was only in love with Jo.

He felt torn for weeks, he tried to make sense of what the right course of action should be. He knew he couldn't leave his kids behind, he wanted them to know him. Alex already missed 5 years of their lives. But he also couldn't ask Jo to move her life here. This little town in Kansas, the farms, the simple life. Yes he was acting as chief as the hospital where Izzie worked with the help of Bailey in her recommendation letter. He liked being chief but he didn't like the farm life. He choose to let Jo go, he choose not to complicate her life. Alex regretted that decision with every fiber in his body.

He missed Jo, he missed being with her, he missed talking to her. Their late night in bed after a long shift, the small teasing remarks. He missed the lazy mornings when they stayed in bed, he only would get up to make coffee for them. And now his life turned into being a dad, he woke up early to get breakfast ready for the twins before school, and before he headed in. He drove a van; a van. When Alex looked into the mirror he didn't see him anymore, he saw someone else. But Jo; seeing her before his eyes brought this joy he's been missing.

Stepping to the side he made the room for Jo to step inside.

Jo on the other hand was starting to feel like this was a bad idea. She's been hurting for weeks, she's been in heartache why would she come only to hear Alex confirm what she knew he wanted this divorce. Her surprise was seeing the little smile on his face. He was happy to see her? Forcing her shoes forward she stepped into the home. Her eyes wandered around the main hallways, on the walls were full of pictures of what she was assumed were the twins. The little boy truly looked like another version of his dad. She stood in her tracks trailing her eyes to the living area where there was a small chair, and sofa. Little toys shattered around the room. Walls painted light red, stepping forward she moved to the couch knowing this talk could take a bit. Perhaps making themselves comfortable was best.

Exhaling a deep breath Alex hadn't realized he was holding when Jo entered his new home. Pushing the door shut behind them both. He moved himself further into the home. He paused at the window where he could catch sight of his kids. Now playing catch on the grass. Tilting his head to the side his focus now landed on the brunette; his wife. He didn't even know where to begin here; he felt there was so much left unsaid between them. His shoes moved across the room to lower his body down into the armchair. It kept a safe distance between Jo and himself. Biting down on his lip briefly he decided to stop the silence looming between them.

" I didn't think I'd hear better yet see you again after you hung up." He spoke in probably the lowest tone he's used.

Forcing a laugh to be heard; why was it funny? Jo didn't know. Placing her hands on her knees over her jeans she moved her hues up to look at him. He looked worn down, he looked tired. With two kids he probably was. But he also had Izzie so why did he look different? He was missing this light in his eyes. Jo was almost worried about him. ' I debated not coming or speaking to you again. But I needed to see for myself that this is what made you happy. I wanted to hear it from you face to face."

Her tone told Alex how hurt and mad she was. But if this was where he was happy she couldn't take it away from him. She was crumbling on the inside; but he taught her love; that she was worthy of being loved. She would carry that love with her everyday despite how it ended.

Nodding he wanted to interrupt her; but with Jo it was probably best to stay silent here. Was he happy? No. He loved his kids; he wanted to be part of their lives. But there was a piece missing. Jo; she was his love; the woman he loved. He could see the pain behind her eyes; he had hurt her. He hated himself for his actions. But if she wanted to let him go he had to let her. He's already caused her too much damage.

" I am happy, I don't like being in the farm, I hate that. But when it comes to my kids, hearing them call me dad. Seeing their smiles light up when I walk into the room, or come home from work and they just rush over to hug me. I feel a sense of happiness I never felt before." He didn't want to turn the knife further; but he couldn't lie to Jo.

Swallowing, Jo felt the tears prickling at her eyes hearing him talk. He was happy; his kids his family. He said it himself a happiness he hadn't felt before. It was like a stab that just kept on coming. Jo couldn't look at him, instead her eyes were casted down onto the small table in the middle.

" I'm.. I guess I'm happy for you. You have everything you wanted a more, something I couldn't live up to." She blamed herself; maybe if all the depression that came with seeing her mother, maybe if she had gotten pregnant like the pair were planning kids eventually, perhaps he wouldn't of left.

" Jo.. no don't. You were the standard, you always will be the standard. I didn't leave because I didn't love you. I do love you. I always will. But I can't leave my kids, I can't live without them anymore. I missed their fists; I have to make up for that. I love you, I need you to know that." Was that desperate talk speaking? Probably but he never wanted Jo to doubt his love. He loved her with everything in him. He still did. She was always enough and more.

Forcing her eyes to flutter shut she knew the tears were prickling at her eyes, she refused to let him see her cry. She was angry, she felt the rage rushing through her body. How? Despite his actions, what he did to her ripping her heart out. He still had the ability to make her heart beat fast. She wanted to hug him, he was truly in front of her she almost couldn't believe it. But she was mad, hurt. Exhaling a low sigh her eyes flashed open once more. " I get the kid thing, I do. It's the tossing me aside and moving here to be with her that I don't get. She left you. She left you, and had your kids behind your back and somehow she's a stan to you. You love her. Begs the question what was I? Was I just a second choice until she came back for you?"

Hurt laced within her voice, god Jo hated the sight of him. Lifting herself up back onto her feet her sneakers paced against the carpet pausing at the square window. Through the glass she could see his two kids. Playing catch, fumbling with the round ball from time to time.

Now Alex was getting fed up, he was annoyed. It kept coming back to Izzie. Cue him rolling his eyes. Noises to be heard were her feet pacing against the light brown carpet. He was tired of defending himself here. He was wrong; he got the message he's hurt her. He walked away for his family. In his mind he always envisioned Jo part of his family. Pulling himself up from the chair he didn't want to leave it on a bad note. He needed Jo to see the love he held for her. Feet marching over to stand besides the brunette near the window. He saw her line of view on his kids.

" It was suppose to be us. Our kids. I only ever wanted a family with you. I'm happy here with my kids, but there's one thing missing, and that's you Jo. I was wrong. I thought I had to be the perfect dad, the perfect family for them. But I was wrong. It doesn't matter if Izzie and I are together or just co-parenting. I love my kids, but I don't love her. I love you. This house, grand life, kids it was us. I don't want to keep going without you." Whispering the words in a low tone. He dared to reach forward to brush his fingers against her pinky finger. Dip his hand in there see if she pushes him away or not.

" Don't you dare say you were a second choice. You were the choice Jo. You always will be. You'll always be the love of my life. Don't doubt it." His eyes were on her, despite the fact she wasn't looking at him. He was the one that messed up; he was well aware of his mistake. He wanted to take it back; but the damage would stick.

Jo felt her breathing; it hitched with how close he currently was. She didn't want to hear him voice how he felt about her now. He ripped her heart out with that letter. She wanted to erase it from her mind. She had long accepted she was second choice for him; but for him to call her the love of his life it almost became way too much for her. She felt her heart beating fast, combined with the brush of his finger against hers. " Don't" She mumbled before she stepped backwards; far enough from his touch, the feel of his breath on her neck. Turning around she mumbled in a soft voice. " I shouldn't of come.. This was a mistake."

Running is what Jo did best; shoes moving fast she went for the front door. Being too close would cause complications. Stepping towards the door she only tilted her head back to take one last look. " Goodbye Alex."

Fingers running over the door handle she pulled the door open to make her escape.