A/N: I was planning to have the whole coming out scene this chapter but I got carried away with Beca's memories. It was cathartic to write. A lot of Beca's memories are stuff I've gone through too. Hope you like this chapter, the big telling Beca's dad chapter is next!
Chapter 32: Object of Affection
"Beca!" Mr. Mitchell wrapped Beca up in an awkward hug since her arm was pinned at her side, holding her suitcase. "I've missed you! And you must be Chloe?" He reached out a hand to shake Chloe's. She smiled tentatively at him. He seemed so nice and so normal. Maybe he would take Beca's news well?
"Nice to meet you." She smiled politely.
"I can't remember the last time Beca had a friend over." Cal said excitedly as he took the suitcases from both the girls. "I've cleaned up the place. And I bought supplies for making homemade pizzas whenever you girls are hungry. You used to love doing that, Beca."
"Yeah." Beca smiled, like she was trying to hold back her genuine enthusiasm. "That sounds good. I'm just going to take Chloe up to get settled."
"Oh nonsense." Cal waved his hand as he shut the large door behind them. "I made up the guest room." Beca immediately shot Chloe an 'I told you so' look. "Thought she might enjoy her own privacy."
"I'm good." Chloe quickly said before Cal could put her things in the room down the hall. "I'd actually rather stay with Beca if it's not an inconvenience."
"Oh." Cal raised his eyebrows. "Beca never used to let friends stay the night, especially in her room."
"Well now that I live in a house full of girls I've changed." Beca rolled her eyes and grabbed the suitcases back. "We'll just put our things upstairs."
"Okay, let me get the air mattress. Your bed is small, it would be a little inappropriate if you two shared." He gave a light hearted grimace as he hurried to the closet. Chloe bit her lip as she watched Beca let out a calming sigh. Yeah, this might be harder than she thought.
Later that night Cal had gotten all the ingredients out for pizza and put on some soft Christian music in the background. Beca walked in and felt like she was walking through a childhood nostalgia cloud.
"Beca!" Cal cheered as she entered the kitchen. "Just in time. I have your favorite toppings here on the counter. And Chloe? I didn't know what you'd like, so just help yourself to whatever." He wiped his hands on his white apron as he put the small rounds of dough next to each other. Chloe couldn't help but feel excited. She couldn't believe the bellas had never done this, and she made a mental note to make homemade pizza night a bella bonding night.
Chloe watched as Beca and her dad worked on their pizzas, laughed together, talked about funny memories, and had a mini food fight. Beca was smiling like a little kid just hoping her dad would love her. Beca seemed so small and fragile in that moment as she laughed with her dad. And Chloe felt tears forming in her eyes before she could fight them off. Beca caught her out of the corner of her eye and her smile fell.
"I just need to make sure I washed my hands!" Chloe raced out of the kitchen before Cal could notice anything was amiss.
"Let me just go make sure she knows where the bathroom is." Beca pointed her thumb over her shoulder before hurrying after Chloe.
"Chloe?" Beca whispered as she stepped into the bathroom to see a crying Chloe, dabbing her eyes.
"I can't do this." Chloe sniffed and rested her hands on the sink. "I can't tell your dad and ruin your relationship. You'll never have moments like that anymore." She pointed in the direction of the kitchen. Beca sighed patiently as she stepped closer to wrap an arm around Chloe, looking at themselves in the mirror.
"Chloe, what you see out there is rare. And its only because we haven't seen each other in awhile. We don't have some cute and adorable relationship. I might be his only kid, but I've never been a daddy's girl. He's also on his best behavior with company. Our interaction out there is far from normal. In fact, its kind of nice that we're having right now. I don't know how its going to go, but it'll be nice having one last good memory if he decides to never speak to me again or something. You can't freak out about telling him, because I'll freak out. And I've already psyched myself up to do this this week, we can't back out now, okay?"
"Okay. I'm sorry." Chloe took a deep breath, leaning into Beca. "I just didn't know how hard this would be for you."
"But I have you, so it's not as hard as it could be." Beca gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Now I better go, I don't want him making a comment about how its inappropriate for us to be in the bathroom together for too long." She rolled her eyes, trying at a little light-heartedness. Chloe smiled and shook her head as she went to fix her makeup.
After dinner and an amicable chat by the outdoor fire pit, Beca and Chloe said goodnight to Mr. Mitchell. Beca was feeling good. There was very little tension so far. She needed a day or two of calm before breaking the news. She watched Chloe study the pictures that were in her room. She smiled to herself as Chloe looked entranced by each picture and item in her childhood room.
"The frizz." Chloe picked up a framed picture of Beca as a wild five year old with frizzy hair. "Can I please get a copy of this?"
"Shut up." Beca snorted as she snatched the frame away.
"Oh my God." Chloe went to the cork board to take down a picture of Beca and some friends in her high school uniform. "Please tell me you still have this sexy catholic schoolgirl uniform?"
"First of all, it wasn't a Catholic school." Beca rolled her eyes. "Second of all, don't tell me you're into that schoolgirl cliche?"
"Oh, totes." Chloe winked suggestively.
"You dirty bird." Beca shook her head in fake disappointment. "It probably doesn't even fit me anymore."
"I don't think that's a deterrent for me." Chloe wrapped her arms around Beca's waist and looked obviously at Beca's breasts. "Do you still have it?" She asked again, quietly.
"Mhm." Beca hummed as she let Chloe settle against her.
"Bring it home?" Chloe pursed her lips, almost bashfully.
"Fine but you'll owe me a fantasy."
Chloe was taken aback. While, their sex life (although currently on pause) was nothing to complain about, fantasies had yet to be brought into the mix. Chloe figured Beca would be mortified to broach the subject. Now, Chloe had a handful that she wasn't ashamed about. But Beca making such a brazen comment, it sparked some excitement in Chloe's chest.
"Oh, we can definitely discuss terms." Chloe whispered as she leaned in for a kiss. They suddenly leaped apart when Mr. Mitchell knocked on the door and entered a moment later.
"Hey, girls." He rubbed the back of his neck. Definitely a trait he and Beca shared. "So there's some issues at our church camp. They need me to come by tomorrow, so I'll be leaving first thing. But you two can have a day to yourselves without an old man bothering you. Help yourselves to anything. And go enjoy the beach, the weather will be great tomorrow. I'll let you know when I'm on my way back. And I'll leave the keys to the jeep if you girls would like to borrow it if you go around town or anything."
"Cool. Thanks, dad." Beca smiled awkwardly, as she stood a good distance away from Chloe.
"Okay, well have a goodnight. Chloe? Feel free to make yourself at home in the guest room if that air mattress is uncomfortable."
"Thanks, Mr. Mitchell." Chloe nodded, trying not to look at Beca or she might laugh or roll her own eyes.
When he left Beca quickly turned to Chloe. "I hope you're not actually thinking about sleeping on that thing?"
"When I have a perfect cuddle buddy in a real bed? Oh, heck no. Just no funny business." She pointed a warning finger.
"Oh trust me, I am not about to come out to my dad by getting caught fooling around with my girlfriend." Beca winced in disgust as she pictured that.
The next day was just what Beca needed. They spent the morning drinking coffee. Chloe was excited to a ridiculous extent in Beca's opinion when she saw that they had a keurig cappuccino/latte maker. She made Beca dig around the drawers to read instructions on how to use it. Fifteen minutes later, Chloe was gripping her large mug of caramel latte, already planning to have a cappuccino next, smiling like she had no cares in the world. Beca just shook her head as she sipped on her regular coffee.
After breakfast, they made their way to the beach. They had a short sand and saltwater fight which Chloe ended up winning when she dragged Beca down and dunked her underwater. Beca grumbled and swore under her breath, but her words had no effect on Chloe who pulled her in for a kiss. Beca couldn't help herself from running her hands up and down Chloe's side, thoroughly enjoying the bikini Chloe had bought. Just as Beca was about to get too into the kiss, Chloe pulled back and linked their arms to lead them back to the house. And after showering, Beca drove them to one of her favorite places to eat on the pier. And Chloe insisted on ice cream afterward.
With full bellies, they walked hand in hand along the pier as the sun started sinking. Beca smiled softly as she looked at their linked hands, feeling completely content. She just hated that nagging sensation in the back of her mind that they came up here to come out to her dad. But she didn't want that to ruin a good day and hopefully a good night.
"Want to hear my idea for a totally cliche date night?" Beca asked to which Chloe nodded enthusiastically. "We go watch the sunset on the beach. Then, I take you to that fair in town. I'll win you one of those stupid stuffed animals. And if somehow our stomachs make more room, we'll share a funnel cake. And then we'll share that kiss on the top of the ferris wheel."
"I'll have to mark this in my calendar. On this day in March Beca Mitchell was the sappiest and cheesiest romantic on the planet."
"Tell anyone and I'll never be romantic again." Beca pointed a playful warning finger and wore a scowl that quickly morphed into a grin.
"Your secret's safe with me." Chloe pecked her cheek before guiding them down the steps of the pier to find a spot on the beach.
"My dad's going to be mad if we get sand in this jeep." Beca shook out the towel they shared, trying to get all the sand out. "Least of his worries anyway." She mumbled to herself, trying to make light of the news that would get him actually mad.
"On to the fair!" Chloe hopped into the front seat and opened the sunroof, brimming with excitement. Beca couldn't hold back her grin, happy to make Chloe this happy as she drove to the little fair.
There was a miniature petting zoo with lambs, goats, pigs, alpacas, bunnies and a fresh batch of little chicks. Chloe was beside herself. She greeted each animal with a loving stroke. Beca followed behind giving a tentative pat to their heads, still unsure if they'd attack even after the reassurance from the safari guy, as she so eloquently dubbed him. Chloe nearly burst into tears as a small alpaca nuzzled into her for a hug.
"Beca...look!" She whispered as she rested her head against the alpaca.
"I hope you wash your hair and hands and face before you think about hugging or kissing me again." Beca turned her nose up at the smell surrounding the little petting zoo.
Chloe had spent nearly twenty minutes in the petting zoo, finally cuddling each chick. Beca didn't mind, but she was getting a little bored. Petting smelly animals wasn't exactly her plan for the night. But she wasn't about to disappoint Chloe.
Chloe seemed to have finally gotten her fill of the animals. She also had a feeling Beca wasn't enjoying it as much as she was. With a borderline teary goodbye to the chicks, she grabbed on to Beca's hand and followed to the next booth. And fittingly it was a ball throwing contest that used all the money to go to the animals. And the prizes were appropriately stuffed versions of the animals Chloe just fawned over.
"Oh my God, look at that alpaca." Choe nudged Beca in the ribs.
"You want it?" Beca started pulling out some cash.
"I do, but I also know the extent of your athletic abilities. Which is none. I don't want you spending 50 bucks on a little stuffed animal."
"Hey." Beca said, offended. "You've seen me deck guys that are two and a half times my size. I have athletic abilities. It won't take me ten tries."
"Alright, stud." Chloe giggled as she leaned against the counter. "Win me that alpaca."
Beca put five dollars on the counter, suddenly grateful her dad had left them a wad of cash before he left that morning. She focused intently as each ball she threw hit the targets, but failed to knock the pyramid of bottles over. By the third try she was getting irritated, keeping her curses in hushed tones for any kids that walked by. Chloe just continued watching in amusement as each time Beca laid down money, her hand hit the wood a little harder.
She finally knocked over all the pins and raised her arms triumphantly. The worker grinned amusedly at the two as he handed over the stuffed alpaca.
"I'll name him Al Pacino." Chloe tilted her head back and forth proudly as she held it close. As Beca rolled her eyes she quickly halted in her attempt to move on, when Chloe gasped.
"Do you know who would love that fat stuffed chick?" She grinned sheepishly as she nodded toward the yellow chick that was shaped like a basketball.
"I got you one stuffed animal. You don't need anymore." Beca said firmly.
"I meant Olivia." Chloe pouted and looked at the chick again. "Imagine how happy she'd be if Auntie Bec gave her a stuffed chick." Beca sighed and turned to face the worker with a pleading look in her eye.
"How much just to have the stuffed chick." She asked dejectedly. He seemed to have some mercy on her as he took it off the rung.
"Ten dollar donation?" He handed it over hopefully. Beca grumbled under her breath as she held out ten more bucks for a gift for Olivia, knowing the little girl would be so excited for a gift from her. Damn her and her weakness for the Beale girls.
"You're so sweet." Chloe giggled as they walked on, Chloe holding Al Pacino close and Beca dangling the chick at her side.
"Fifty bucks for two stuffed animals. Probably could've bought an actual chick instead." She shook her head before looking at Chloe's eyes grow wide. "No!"
They shared a funnel cake on their way to the ferris wheel after paying two bucks to have their fortune read. To Chloe's glee, their future was bright and she would have an unexpected surprise to bring happiness to her life in the near future. Beca just snorted because of course the psychic would only say good things.
Chloe slid into the enclosed metal car as Beca paid. They slowly rose up and up as Chloe looked out over the town Beca grew up in.
"I can't believe you grew up in such a cute yet awesome town."
"Eh, its not all its cracked up to be." Beca shrugged as she pulled out the bag of cotton candy Chloe insisted on.
"What happened to 'our stomachs aren't made out of iron, Chloe'?" Chloe mimicked Beca's stubborn reply to getting a funnel cake and cotton candy on fairly full stomachs.
"I mean it dissolves in your mouth." Beca shrugged as she popped a fluff in her mouth. "Can't be that bad."
"Its pure sugar." Chloe rolled her eyes as she stole a piece too. "Is that your high school?" She pointed to the big football stadium and buildings surrounding it.
"That's the public high school. I went…there." Beca looked around before spotting her school. "Unfortunately my dad put me in a private Christian school."
"Right. The uniform." Chloe winked.
"Shut up." Beca tried to force the blush from appearing on her cheeks. There was still a football field, but the stands were much smaller. There weren't as many buildings but it still looked really nice. It had a winding road that had it somewhat isolated and a little river and pond.
"Looks nice."
"Looks can be deceiving." Beca scoffed as she ate another piece.
They inched their way to the top and finally got their stop. Chloe looked out over the city and the ocean close by. It was beautiful. Granted, it wasn't a huge ferris wheel, but it still gave a great view. She turned to look at Beca who was already staring at her.
"Time for my cliche movie kiss?" Chloe leaned in with a smirk.
"Mmm...but your breath smells like funnel cake and cotton candy. And don't think I forgot about you getting cozy with that alpaca." Beca scrunched her nose.
"You're an idiot." Chloe giggled as she grabbed Beca behind the neck to kiss her until they started moving again. Beca pulled back, a little dazed. "Can you take me to see your high school?" Chloe asked and then noticed Beca immediately tense. "You don't have to. I just...I'm loving seeing a glimpse into your pre-Chloe life."
"I don't like thinking about my pre-Chloe life." Beca mumbled as she leaned in for another kiss.
"Fine. We don't have to." Chloe sighed as she leaned back on her seat. Beca could tell she was disappointed, but trying not to be.
"I'll show you my old school and then we can go home and steal some wine out of my dad's cabinet." Beca suggested and Chloe's eyes immediately lit up with excitement. "Maybe I can show you all my old make out spots too." Beca smirked, hoping to see a little spark of jealousy.
"Yeah, right." Chloe rolled her eyes and gave Beca a little shove. "You do remember that I was the one who taught you to French?"
"And the best teacher you were." Beca grinned smugly, leaning in again before their ride came to an end.
Beca drove them to her high school next. She was weirdly nervous as she drove through the fancy entrance. The whole campus was surrounded by a short stone wall and trees. There was a wooden gate with the name of the school engraved for cars to pass through. It was the only way to get in. Beca took a deep breath as she drove by the empty security guard post and parked by the little pond.
"Its funny. I'm not like scarred or anything by this place. But the first memories that come to my mind are the ones of me feeling unwanted, weird, and wrong because of how I feel." Beca looked across the campus and smiled sadly.
"Who said what to you and where's their location so I can kick their butt?" Chloe scowled, thinking of the awful things teenagers can say and do.
"That'd be a lot more convincing if you'd said ass." Beca chuckled as she got out of the car. "Come on, let's walk around."
They came up to the gym and Chloe tried every door hoping they were open while Beca frantically tried to stop her, wondering if the school had installed security cameras. Once Chloe was satisfied they wouldn't get in Beca took her hand in hers and walked around the building.
"I was fourteen when I realized I liked girls." Beca blurted out. But Chloe could tell the brunette's gears were rolling so she kept quiet, feeling like Beca had things she wanted to get off her chest. "Man, I tried to fight it. Homosexuals were always thrown into the conversation of sinners who were hell-bound at church. My dad ran a camp to turn gay kids straight. Shit, I even helped some summers." She shuddered, grossed out with herself. "All I knew was that I couldn't be gay. And I would pray every night to the God my dad promised me my whole life loved me and would answer my prayers. I prayed every night to not feel this way. I even tried to bribe him. I was like 'if you make me straight I will only listen and play Christian music.' 'If you make me straight I'll give up eating hot cheetos since they're bad for me anyway.' I begged and pleaded and you know what happened? The feelings only got worse."
Beca scoffed and shook her head as they rounded a corner. She pointed at the back side of the building that was hidden from main sight. "I remember hiding here after a basketball game one night waiting for my dad to come pick me up, hoping no one would see me."
"What happened?" Chloe asked, as she gently rubbed a hand up and down Beca's arm. She was glad that Beca was opening up to her, but she had a feeling that these confessions Beca was making were going to make her want to cry.
"It was all Megan's fault." Beca rolled her eyes playfully. "My dad only agreed to let me go to the game because she was my ride and I'd figure dinner out for myself. He had a date with a single woman from the church so he didn't want to have to worry about me. Well, Megan got all cozy with her boyfriend and they ended up leaving after the first quarter of the varsity game. She assured me one of the other girls would take me. So I asked and I could see annoyance and frustration all over their faces. They smiled at me all fake and promised they'd figure something out. At one point I went to get a soda and could hear their conversation in the little hall by the concession:"
Gina: Why can't you take her home?
Carly: She lives closer to you.
Gina: Of course its Beca who's the only one who can't drive. Ugh! I'm going to kill Megan.
Carly: Just take her. You're being dramatic
Gina: But I want to hang out with Dave after the game. I don't need some weird third wheel.
Carly: She's not weird, she's our friend. And all you have to do is drop her off and then you can have the rest of the night with Dave.
Gina: What if she awkwardly asks to like hang out after? I'll be obligated.
Carly: Just say you have plans.
Gina: Just take her, please!
Carly: No! She's like twenty minutes out of the way for me. You think I want to waste my gas to have an awkward ride to her house.
Gina: I thought you said she was our friend?
Carly: Ugh, she is...just...drop her off before you go home to get ready for your date. Its not even that big of a deal for you.
Gina: Oh my God, you owe me.
Carly: How do I owe you?
Gina: Because now I have to take her home because you're guilting me into it. Plus...and don't tell anyone I said this...but I think she's low-key a dyke. What if she's like really excited about this ride home?
Carly: Gina! You can't say that!
Gina: I mean, what if she has a crush on me and wants to make a move or something.
Carly: She. is. Our. friend.
Gina: So you take her home?
Carly: You're being completely ridiculous!
Gina: Fine! I'll take her...but if she tries to kiss me, I swear…
"I was so embarrassed. I just wanted to disappear and not have to put anyone out or make anyone uncomfortable around me. It was also the first time I heard anyone besides myself talk about me being gay. I was terrified that it was obvious. I wanted the puke right there."
Chloe gritted her teeth, annoyed that there were actual people on this earth that wanted to avoid being around Beca. Their fucking loss, she thought.
"So the game goes on and I'm completely silent. They don't even notice that I've just shrunk into this little shell. I was actually really outgoing before I started dealing with these feelings. But they were having a great time, enjoying the game, like I didn't exist. So I left. I told them I found a ride but I had to go now. They gave me half-hearted goodbyes, not even curious who was coming to get me. So I called my dad. I called him in the middle of his date. And shit, he was pissed. I thought about lying and saying I had a ride after all and just walking home. But it was about eight miles to my house and the lighting isn't the greatest. I figured he'd be even more pissed if I got hurt or something walking home. So I let him yell and waited. So he finally said he'd be on the way shortly. So I waited outside the gym for about an hour. When the game ended and I heard everyone leaving and laughing and getting in their cars, I came back here so they couldn't see me. I just sat there trying not to shake because I was getting cold and my dad finally showed up. I got in his car and he immediately started bitching me out. He went on about how our pastor set him up and this was supposed to be a potential new mom for me and all that bullshit. And all I kept saying was I'm sorry. He asked if I needed dinner and I said no even though I literally only had the one soda. And I went into my room, closed the door and just fell on my bed. I didn't even feel like I deserved to cry. I was the problem. I felt so...alone and unwanted and damaged. But the tears came anyway. Thankfully no one was around. I heard my dad come to check on me but I turned over and pretended to be asleep so he wouldn't try to comfort me or anything."
"Becs…" Chloe put her head on Beca's shoulder. "I hate those girls."
"They weren't even the worst." Beca snorted.
"So another memory that pops into my head was at a church vacation Bible school thing that they held at the school over the summer. My dad actually tried to set me up with this godly young man." Beca made a face and rolled her eyes. "The boy actually wanted to smoke weed in the woods and tried to kiss me. When I turned him down he got mad and said he didn't want to make out with a dyke anyway, he didn't want to catch the gay disease. Great guy that one. So I asked my dad what dyke meant and he told me it was an offensive term for girls who were homosexual. And he said while homosexuality is a sin and they live an immoral, unnatural life, its not good to use slurs against them. He wanted to know where I heard it, but I didn't want to snitch on the little golden boy. He told me to avoid hanging out with anyone who referred to themselves as dykes or gay because he didn't want them to corrupt me. Well golden boy ended up starting a rumor that I was a dyke and it got back to my dad. And boy he was pissed. Not because of what they called me, but because they insinuated I was gay. He let the kids' parents have it and I could hear him shouting through the phone about how no child of his was raised to live in sin and it was unacceptable for those vile rumors to be spread. I remember wanting to be happy my dad was sticking up for me, but at the same time feeling sick because all the things he was saying about how I secretly felt were terrible and would lead me to hell. It was awful. Like I knew right then that if I ever wanted to be the real me and maybe one day be actually happy, I'd have to crush him."
"What an asshole." Chloe shook her head.
"And right over here." Beca pulled Chloe along and stood by the soccer field/football practice field and nodded toward the small building that had the locker rooms. "Is where I went from a social and outgoing person to a hermit as you like to affectionately call me."
"Why's that?" Chloe asked sadly, trying to picture Beca as an outgoing teenager.
"It was after a soccer game and I was in the locker room."
"You were an athlete?!" Chloe gasped, feeling a little bad for interrupting, but couldn't help the shock.
"I played soccer. I was not an athlete." Beca gave a little chuckle. "I quit after my sophomore year because I sucked even on JV."
"I seriously hope there's a picture somewhere. Okay, go on." Chloe nudged her, to go back to her memory.
"I overheard my teammates talking about me after a game. They thought they were alone but I was in a stall, finishing up changing:"
Emma: Do you think Beca's gay?
Camryn: Dude, she'd have to be. Do you see what she wears?
*giggles*
Emma: We all wear the same uniform…
Camryn: I mean every time we're outside of school
Emma: True. Jeans and t-shirts don't exactly scream straight girl
Camryn: And those shoes, my God! I mean if you're going to pretend to be straight at least find some sort of fashion sense, right? Newsflash, Beca, sneakers aren't a fashion statement.
Emma: And her hair, its either in a pony tail or straight down, like do something with your hair, girl
Camryn: Her hair's the only thing that's straight about her
Emma: Poor thing...even if she tried. She'd probably end up looking more lesbian than she does already
*giggles*
Camryn: So who do you think she has a lesbo crush on. Not one of us, right?
Emma: No way. No way. Ewwww
Camryn: I know, right!
Emma: If its anyone, its gotta be Megan. I mean she acts like a love sick puppy around her.
Camryn: She acts like she's Megan's boyfriend
Emma: Megan needs a real boy *giggle*
Camryn: Can you even imagine. Beca and Megan together?
Emma: Beca could never land a Megan
Camryn: right!
Emma: Do you ever notice how she'll hug girls a lot but hardly any guys
Camryn: I thought I was just over thinking! She totally does that
Emma: She's so gay she'll hug any girl just to have a girl touch her
Camryn: Ew! I'm never giving her a hug again!
Emma: Cam! Don't be mean, she's still our friend
Camryn: But gross…
Emma: I know...maybe just side hugs from now on…
Camryn: And we change in front of her. Do you think she checks us out?
Emma: Ew! Ew! Stop!
*giggles*
"What hurt the most is I knew deep down I liked girls, and I was fighting so hard with myself to not be that way. I tried to hide it all the time, but these girls could apparently see right through me and they thought it was a joke, just something to laugh at. The reason why I hated myself and sometimes wanted to die was something for them to joke about. That sucks. After I overheard that conversation I started wearing a rubber band to train myself to not want affection from anyone. So anytime I thought about giving someone a hug, receiving a hug, or anything I'd snap that band on my wrist. It didn't take long to pretty much convince myself that I hated hugs. And no one really noticed the change either."
Chloe bit her lip hard, allowing Beca to get through everything she wanted to get through. But her heart literally ached thinking of how Beca, her Beca, forced herself to not want affection just so she didn't have to hear people talk about her or make assumptions. How she wished she could go back and slap those girls. And then maybe make out with Beca right in front of them and say they were the losers.
Beca walked them over to the pond, slid off her shoes, and sat down in the grass to dip her feet in. Chloe followed closely behind, mimicking the actions.
"The worst was when my best friend in high school ended our friendship my sophomore year. I caught her boyfriend cheating and tried to tell her. She only got mad at me and said I was jealous of him and was being selfish trying to get her to myself. Then she threw in a little dagger saying I wasn't a real girl. She'd rather have a best friend who was. That one stung. I started drifting away from everyone. People didn't hate me necessarily but they like knew somehow that I was gay and didn't want to be the object of my affection. It was like I died and my ghost just walked around all lonely and shit. My friends never asked where I went or why we didn't hang out anymore. They just let me vanish. And hearing people talk and laugh about me behind my back about the reason why I wanted to die, it hurt like hell. It was like all the bad thoughts I had about myself were warranted. My biggest pain in my life was a joke to other people. Or it disgusted them.
I'd try sometimes to hang out with friends, go to parties, the movies, concerts and everything with them. Mainly to keep my dad from worrying or digging into why I was depressed and alone all the time. But every time, literally every single time I'd meet up with them they'd make comments like "is that really what you're wearing?" "Do you not have any other shoes?" "Beca, you're not going to get a boyfriend looking like that." "are you sure you're not really a boy?" "lesbihonest, Beca…" They all just made me feel like shit, like I didn't belong, like I was some weirdo. And that it was a hilarious joke to hint at me being a lesbian.
Except Meg. She always stuck by me. I heard her tell some girls off sometimes too when they were being asses about me and my appearance. She was one of the few people I didn't mind being a third wheel for. Her boyfriend was cool too; we'd play video games sometimes. He even helped me set up my prom prank to get back at the stupid girls who looked down on me. But Meg and Kyle graduated a year before me and then I was really on my own. I became a complete loner my senior year, convincing myself that its what I actually wanted. And I think at some point I actually was able to trick my mind into thinking being alone was my real preference. I got into my music and I couldn't wait for school to end so I could run home and hide by myself in my room.
My dad eventually started worrying about me. I stopped having friends over. Stopped going over to friends' houses. My clothing got dark, but not like full on emo. I wanted to graduate and move across the country, forget all my bad memories and maybe find new people who accepted me. Or better yet, become a DJ or music producer and just stay behind the scenes. Be friends with melody and lyrics and no one else. But he made a deal to get me to go to college for at least one year nearby. So I stayed. And I found you. And I found the bellas, our whacky band of misfits. And I had never felt so accepted and unconditionally loved so quickly in my life. And its made all the tears I shed, all the pain I felt and the loneliness and emptiness worth it. You make me happier than I ever thought I'd ever even hope to be. You make me look back on those times and almost smile at them. Because I came out a winner. I want to tell my younger, sad, and depressed self that things get better. Because I have you."
"Can I kiss you yet?" Chloe's lip quivered as she stared intensely at Beca who was just looking into the water. Beca turned to face her and before she could answer, Chloe's lips were on hers, and her hands held Beca's cheeks protectively. "Those girls are all idiots." She took a breath before kissing Beca again. "I want to hunt them down and slap them so hard they realize how stupid they were and what they missed out on." She pulled Beca in firmly and let their tongues glide against each other for a moment. "And I love you. And I fucking love being the object of your affection." She smiled as she gave Beca one last kiss.
"Thank you." Beca whispered. "Thank you for loving me. And thank you for helping me not hate myself."
"Beca." Chloe closed her eyes and rested her forehead against Beca's. "I hate that you ever hated yourself. And you don't have to thank me. I love that I get to be with you. I feel like I'm the lucky one. Thank you for loving me back."
"Phew. That was heavy." Beca let out a sigh with a grin.
"But I'm glad you told me all of that. I feel like I know you better and am closer to you than ever. Now lets get back to your dad's. Gotta get some rest. Big day tomorrow." Chloe gave her one last peck before returning fully to her seat and strapping on her seat belt.
"Big day." Beca exhaled. "I'm glad you're with me." Chloe smiled softly and gave Beca's hand a squeeze as they headed back to the house.
"I'm glad you keep telling me that."
Beca had gotten ready for bed and returned to the room to see Chloe had found her school uniform and stowed in away in her suitcase. She shook her head and gave Chloe a look while she pointed at the green and white plaid and starched white button up with a matching plaid tie.
"What?" Chloe shrugged innocently. "If nothing else, we can make at least one great memory in that uniform." She then winked not so innocently.
"Can't wait." Beca flushed as she gave Chloe a quick kiss before sliding into bed.
"Are you scared?" Chloe sighed and wrapped an arm around Beca under the covers.
"Of what? Your fantasy of me being in my high school uniform?"
"No." Chloe gave her a friendly jab in the ribs. "Tomorrow. Telling your dad."
"I'm terrified."
"Are you having regrets?"
"About telling him? No. I've waited long enough. I need to do it. For me."
"I'm so proud of you." Chloe snuggled as closely as she could, hoping to drown out those bad feelings and memories that Beca went through in this room. And she'd do whatever she could to protect her from any pain her dad would most likely cause her.