I always Screw myself out of everything good: Chapter 8
Note: This chapter was hard to write due to the Izzie parts I tried to write it as I felt was right. Like Alex I feel she matured and changed as well which is why I wrote it how I did. I promise Jolex content is coming and thank you to those that have been patiently waiting for the chapter and keep reading. Thank you. Just read this with a open mind.
One second the four people in the kitchen were enjoying a nice meal almost as if this was the family. And the next a loud voice could be heard that snapped all four pairs of eyes to the blonde in the doorway.
You could hear two voices echoing the word " MOMMY" then you could hear a stern voice coming from the male " Izzie, watch your words would you." Then there was Jo who felt like all color had drained from her face. She felt like a deer in headlights. Her mouth opening after finishing chewing her jaw dropping. So this was Izzie Stevens. The pretty features adding up, her short blonde hair pulled back into a small ponytail it was obvious she was just coming off from a big shift at the hospital. Jo did understand her reaction. Alex might be ready to have Jo in this very room but it all happened so fast she doubted he spoke to her about it. The twins were already out of the chairs and on their feet beelining towards their mother slipping tiny arms around her torso.
Jo suddenly felt out of place. It's when it hit this was Alex's life now. She was a visitor. She wasn't fully welcomed in this home. It was nice to feel like it was home for a second. She liked his kids; they were so full of light, she saw Alex in them in more ways than Jo cared to admit at first. Placing her fork down over the white napkin she went to push herself up from the chair turning to Alex.
" I should go. I overstayed a welcome. Thank you for dinner." Jo pressed her palms to the table attempting to lift herself up.
The last thing Alex expected was for this run in with Izzie she was supposed to be gone for another hour. The truth was he and Izzie didn't pass paths unless it had to do with the kids. He had long realized his mistakes. He wanted to give his kids a real family, both parents. He didn't love Izzie, and he thought to himself he couldn't sacrifice his own happiness for Izzie. He couldn't force himself to love her. He loved his children no doubt; but Izzie she was like a stranger to him. His heart belonged to Jo. He realized too late he could be a great dad and make it work with Jo. His letters had already been sent; the dam was broke. But with Jo here he felt this was his redemption. He could try to make it right if the very least jo and himself could be friends. Noting Jo was going to leave, he placed his hand on her arm to stop her. " Don't. I want you here. I invited you to stay. Last I checked this was my house too."
Alex was glancing at his ex wife; the blonde and himself sharing glares at one another. He wasn't going to let her dictate what he did or didn't do here. Jo was his guest. Jo eventually sat back down in her chair to finish eating. He forced a cheerful smile onto his lips noting Izzie had stepped out to put her coat and bag down. He didn't want to fight in front of the kids. Izzie didn't rejoin the four for dinner. You could feel the spell was broken, he felt uncomfortable now knowing the big talk was about to occur. Alexis and Eli didn't take notice to the tension in the air. They finished their plates until you could see the white from the plates peeking out. His kids hopped up to wash hands before skipping out of the room to their bedroom. He could hear the little steps start to disappear down the hall. Alex could barely glance at Jo in fear she might be giving him this glare.
" I'm sorry about Izzie. She can be intense. But you're my guest here Jo. I meant it when I said I'd like some time together." He was sincere with Jo, it was all in his voice. Tilting his head up he saw Jo's sheepish expression on her features.
" It's fine. I knew she'd come home soon. I actually can understand why she was upset. You introduced me to your kids without her consent. I may dislike her but if I was in her shoes I'd be hurt too." Moving to get up Jo figured the least she could do was help clean up. A warm smile curved along her lips as she passed his seat to drop the plates and forks into the bowl in the sink. Her hand turned on the water filling the tan bowl with soap and water.
Perhaps Jo had a point; he overstepped a line with Izzie. He didn't have to like the mother of his kids but there were boundaries to this co-parenting thing. Nodding his head as he gathered up the napkins to toss into the trash before stopping at the counter. " This wasn't planned. I never meant to hurt her by introducing you. But I wasn't going to let you walk out that door. So I don't feel bad. I'll work it out with her okay." he tried to redeem himself here. Izzie was very much in the other room and if she wanted to hash it out he would do so gladly. Stepping up to the full sink where Jo stood he began to take each plate, and fork and spoon and cloth washing them off.
All Jo could do was nod her head here. Jo had no say; she was guest and that's all. She took a step away from the sink figuring it was best to distance herself from Alex. She felt the flipping in her stomach; he was her weakness. Turning her frame from the male she started towards the living area. Only to stop at the couch noticing th blonde sat on the edge. She had her eyes on the far off picture of her twins and herself at the fences right outside. All smiles; almost as if they've never been happier.
" You know they're cute. Look just like you." Jo decided it was best to break the ice. Jo was aware Alex and the blonde didn't see eye to eye with her being here in this house. But Jo didn't want to start off on the wrong foot. Offering a soft smile gracing her lips Jo took that step forward bringing her arms to cross over her chest. One on one maybe just maybe Izzie wasn't half the bad person in this situation as she assumed she was.
Lost in thought Izzie glanced around her living room. Blue walls, the fireplace in the corner above were pictures of herself and her children. A new addition was one of the twins with Alex while they were holding onto the horses and Alex held the twins up all smiles. She recalled that day. Izzie never forced him to stay, she changed. Of course she loved him but the blonde had moved on. She didn't tell him about the kids to force him to pick. Alex was loyal by default. She never wanted to uproot his life she respected he was happy. But when it came to him deciding to stay believe it or not Izzie tried to explain she would never keep the kids from him. If he wanted to be a part of their life he could, she felt a sense of guilt when it came to his marriage. It was out of her hands. Alex made his choice; yes the pair were only co-parenting right now.
Hearing the voice the blonde lifted her gaze up from the mantle to glance towards Jo for the first time. " Thank you. I'm sorry for being rude earlier. I wasn't expecting to see you. I get Alex wants you here. But when it comes to my kids I can't just let anyone meet them." Pulling her shoulders into a shrug.
Jo understood. When she imagined meeting or having any encounter with Izzie she had this vision of it. She pictured Izzie as this beautiful blonde, the perfect nails, the perfect look everything Jo wasn't. She wanted so badly to hate her; to find a reason to yell or scream about how wrong she did Alex depriving him of 5 years, but sitting here now with the blonde she was simply a woman who wanted the best for her kids. Awkward silence took over as Jo mulled over this. " It's okay, I get it. You don't know me, Alex does so in his mind its okay but I'm only here for today to get some closure than I'll be gone. You don't want kids meeting someone who will just disappear. "
Jo couldn't fault Izzie for this. Offering somewhat of a half smile her dark hues glanced down to the carpet.
" I never asked him to stay. I told him he was welcomed to be part of the kids live when I told him. I know what you must think. You think I trapped him here. You think I'm an awful person for never have told Alex. But I didn't want him to be here. I had to look out of the twins. I knew he was happy I asked around and was told he was so happy with his wife. The woman he was seeing at the time. I know how loyal Alex is, I knew what he'd do. But I couldn't lie to him anymore. But I never told him to leave you. I can see he misses you. I can see this is only us co-parenting he loves you. I've changed. I once said he would never be good enough for anyone but I was wrong. He's changed like I have. He's matured into this incredible man that I feel lucky my kids have as a dad. He made his choice I just wanted to clear the air." She uttered without sending of glance to the brunette. She needed to set the record straight. Izzie had her wrongs in this but keeping Alex here from his friends and family wasn't one of them.
To say Jo was taken back was an understatement. She felt confused. She felt Izzie hated her yet she was willing to give away this kind of information. Jo felt a lost for words. What was she suppose to say? Her eyes landed on the carpet for the minutes that now ticked by. Her lips felt dry enough to where she felt lost. She licked over her lips hearing the movement in the kitchen knowing Alex was trying to clean up.
" I respect that you wanted to clear the air. I blamed you for a good portion of the letter he sent. I never liked you. But I can respect people growing. Alex has this weird feeling that he had to give the kids what he never had. A full family. He's dumb I know. But I still love him. I think he feels guilty if he were to try to leave and spend half the time here and half in Seattle. He wants to be with the kids, the twins. He doesn't want to miss another part of their lives. So I guess I have to ask why? Why didn't you tell him? You robbed him of being a dad for those early years."
Being protective was a habit for Jo; especially when it came to Alex. She understood perhaps she had it all wrong with Izzie but she wanted to understand the concept of keeping the twins from Alex all these years.
Izzie wasn't all bad; she got where the brunette was coming from. She sat up in her seat against the cushions. Her eyes turned to the new face the girl her ex loved. " He holds a lot from his life when he was younger. I never asked him for much. I just I didn't want to disturb the life he built with you. I respected he found someone he loved and wanted to be with. I love Alex I do. And man do I wish it were different but he loves you. He loves the kids but when its just he and I, I can see how much he hates it. Of course I wanted him here; I didn't want to hurt him. But I just I didn't want to take him from his life. And I know its irony considering but when he asked I couldn't lie. I do care for him" She felt vulnerable admitting it; but she did hold a torch for her ex.
Tension was in the air; you could almost cut it with a knife. Jo didn't know what to say. She felt anger boiling inside of her for the answers the blonde just gave her. As if Izzie really owed her some explanation at all; but she did hold some respect for the blonde. Head nodding slowly up and down her throat suddenly felt dry.
" I love him, I always will. But he made his choice. And from the sounds of it I had it all wrong. I spent so much time blaming you, hating you for him leaving. But you didn't make him choose his kids or me. He did it all on his own. You wanted him to be happy, you wanted him to be a part of the twins lives. But you weren't going to stop him from seeing them if he decided to stay in Seattle. He decided this life in Kansas was more important than telling me, then letting me help him work through it. If I should be mad at anyone it should be him."
Reality hit; when Jo spoke; she was angry at the wrong person. For the first time she felt like clarity was there. Alex left on his own doing, he didn't ask her to come, he didn't give her a warning instead he just left and wrote a hell of a letter. The wound was fresh. A small smile played at her lips. She needed to let go and perhaps now she could. Jo didn't expect for Izzie to comment further; but she felt the anger for the woman drain from her body. Her shoulders now released the tension they were holding. Without giving the blonde another glance Jo slowly lifted herself up onto her feet. She needed to figure out what she wanted. Did she have the heart to forgive and forget? Or did she owe it to herself to leave and try to move forward without the possibility of Alex in her life?
Moving her feet forward she could hear the paddling of feet behind in the back playroom pass the living room, and she could feel a pair of eyes on her. Alex; but right now she couldn't look at him. With all the courage Jo had she pushed her hand on the front door letting herself out onto the porch. Night sky in view, the stars on display. Reaching the railing her fingertips trailed along the cold metal. Leaning forward she rested her upper body down on her elbows. Needing some space to deal with her emotions. Alex did this; she couldn't blame Izzie anymore; the only person to blame was the person she loved more than words. It strung; it hit like a brick. Eyes wandered up to the clear night sky.
All noises out of mind; Jo needed to decide what her heart could handle. Was it worth to give Alex a shot to explain or should she take her heart and close this door?