Authors Note: So it turns out that trying for weekly updates was a little optimistic, especially since my wonderful beta/editor is in the process of earning her PhD and academia is a monster that will eat both your free time and your soul. Ah well. I've mostly finished the next chapter so with any luck she'll finish reviewing it and it'll be up next Friday.
Content Warning: Signs consistent with trauma in a minor including panic attacks and anxiety as well as ableism.
"Have fun at school, honey," says Sakura's mom, holding her arms out for a hug. Sakura rolls her eyes but walks back from the door long enough to offer a quick hug.
"What about me," asks her dad, "did you forget about your old man?" Sighing, Sakura walks over to him as well, though she can't quite suppress the smile that wants to come out.
"I love you too, dad," she says as she gives him a quick hug. "But I've got to get to school early today. We have a practice for the midterm exam and Ino promised to help me get ready!" With a gruff sigh and a pat on her head, he lets her go.
"Don't forget to be home in time for dinner though, your mom's making something special." He winks at her mom as he says that though she just rolls her eyes in Sakura's direction. Sakura can't help herself, she laughs as she slips on her shoes and runs out the door.
While they haven't learned how to use chakra to run yet, Sakura thinks she's probably still pretty fast. She and Ino run a lot. Though no more races or shortcuts. For a moment, she can almost feel hot fingers on her neck and warm, wet breath on her forehead and face. She shakes her head. Today is going to be a good day. It has to be a good day. While it's only a practice for the midterm exam, everyone knows those who fail the practices have to do twice as well during the actual test to get a good grade. She managed to get a full night's sleep last night, so she can't waste any time thinking about the stuff that happened four months ago, about the man in the twisting alley back behind her favorite bakery. The one she never, ever, ever, goes near anymore.
She takes a deep breath and then another and another, but she- she can't focus her thoughts. She keeps remembering the enemy ninja, how strong he was, how hot his hands were against the back of her neck. How he just played with her. How he made it so even her own body wasn't hers any more. How defenseless she was and how weak she still is, even now. She might be in her second year at the academy, but she knows if he came back, he could do it all over there's nothing she could even do about it. Sakura can feel tears in her eyes and her whole body is shaking. She can feel the enemy ninja behind her again like a tingle between her shoulder blades and she runs. She runs and runs and runs until she can't run anymore. And she's shaking. Fear curls in her belly, like some sort of monster, making her too hot and then too cold and nauseous. It wraps around her heart, eating her from the inside out. And there's nothing she can do. Except stay quiet and still and hope if she does it will let her go. She just feels so tiny and so alone.
"-kura. Sakura! Snap out of it." Sakura blinks. She's sitting on the ground by a tree. Ino's standing over her, her foot nudging Sakura's hand. Ino squats down so their faces are almost level. "You wanna head back to the academy? I think there's probably still time to do some sparring practice before the rest of the class shows up." Ino offers Sakura her hand and pulls her up.
"So my dad is ordering some new flowers from the mountains," Ino says after a moment. "He says the flowers are only found in the dead of winter and are made entirely from ice. Not that it gets that cold here. Apparently we're going to have to install a freezer unit to keep them in. They're called frost flowers." Sakura nods after it becomes clear that Ino is waiting for some sort of response.
"They sound… nice," she manages. The words feel like they're stuck in her throat though. She has to push to make any sound. And it's dumb, she knows she's safe. She even knows that the enemy ninja is dead and won't ever be able to get her again. The grownups talk around it, but this is a ninja village. They took him down for questioning and then he just… disappeared. And she might be tiny and useless, but she's not stupid.
Ino doesn't seem to mind Sakura's lack of enthusiasm. She just grins and nods, "They really are. Once they come in I'll show you." Ino tilts her head and then says, "Hey, maybe we can stop by and look at the freezer after school. It's really cool and I'm sure Dad won't mind." She pauses for a second, but when Sakura doesn't respond, she continues talking. Sakura can slowly feel her heartbeat slowing down as she focuses on breathing in and out and Ino's words drone around her, a safe and familiar white noise. That's one of the really great things about being with Ino; Sakura doesn't actually have to say anything if she doesn't want to. Ino is just as happy to do all the talking for both of them.
There's a stranger standing in the academy yard when they get there. Sakura freezes. He's not facing them, but Sakura can't shake the feeling of eyes on her. She can feel hot fingers start clawing at the back of her neck and her skin feels shaky. She can feel the fear monster in her gut starting to reach up and grab for her lungs. Ino pauses in her explanation of forced flower growth and looks over. "Oh, that's Mizuki. Dad says he's some sort of disgraced chunin." She doesn't touch Sakura, but she does position herself in front of Sakura, completely blocking her view of the danger— of Mizuki. "I heard he failed a mission or something," Ino whispered. "He's," Ino pauses for a moment.
"He's what?" Sakura can't help asking, finding herself relaxing a little bit as she leans in, closer to Ino.
"Well, Mom says he's a 'known associate of Orochimaru', so I don't know what the academy is doing letting him anywhere near kids." Ino sounds exactly like her mom when she says that too, and Sakura can't help giggling at the thought of Ino wearing her mother's apron and gossiping about random ninja to whoever will listen.
"Maybe it's like exposure therapy," Sakura suggests, trying to keep a straight face. They learned about that in class a few weeks ago. Back before, during the last war, academy kids were forced to help with the wounded to get used to dealing with dying people and guts and stuff. Also probably because there weren't enough medics, but the textbooks don't talk about that. "Maybe they're getting us used to lame adult creeps that can't really hurt us so we won't have as much trouble dealing with the real live ones."
Ino doesn't look very convinced. "I guess? But dad's been complaining about 'falling standards in education,' and 'critical personnel shortages,' so they're probably just super desperate. I heard ANBU's been forced to run normal missions just to keep the village profitable. I wonder if they'll graduate us early to help fill the gap." Ino seems almost excited about the prospect.
"Yeah, maybe." Sakura doesn't want to think about what that says about the village if they're graduating kids again. It's nothing good.
"Anyway," Ino says after a second, "it looks like the practice field in the back is empty, let's try working on that sweep from last week." Sakura nods, thankful Ino's willing to change the subject.
As long as she's prepared, sweeps are actually really fun. They're all about using your opponent's size and momentum against them. Ino lets Sakura go first, sinking into a ready stance. But then, as soon as Sakura steps forward to hook Ino's foot with her own, Ino raises her arms above her head, hands twisted into pretend claws and growls "I am a scary chunin creep who has come here to steal little academy children. RAWWR!" For almost half a second, Sakura freezes. She knows it's just Ino, but her brain doesn't care. Immediately, Ino drops her arms. "Sakura, Sakura! I am so sorry, I didn't mean, I mean I shouldn't have—"
Sakura doesn't think, she just brings her foot back, hooking Ino's in the process, grabs Ino's wrist and wrenches both to the left and down, using her elbow and torso to pin Ino to the ground.
Ino stares up at her in shock, silent for several breaths. "You— you did that on purpose, didn't you!" Ino is laughing though, and there's no heat to her words. She tries to shift her weight to throw Sakura off, but they've practiced that move before and Sakura knows what to do. She also weighs a little more than Ino, which doesn't hurt. Sighing and rolling her eyes, Ino taps out and they reset.
Sakura still tenses up when Ino grabs her to go in for the sweep, but it's not bad. By the time her classmates start trickling in for school, they've both worked up a sweat and fallen into a good rhythm. Every move feels more like a scripted dance routine than a fight, and Sakura is able to relax and enjoy the motions without thinking about what they mean. It feels… good. It feels fun.
Today is a practice for the midterm practical assessment for them, but for the upper year students, it's the real thing. When a group of fourth years chases them off the practice field they don't bother arguing and instead head over to the swing in front of the school. Naruto is on it, but he gets off as soon as Sakura asks if she can use it next. For a minute, Sakura thinks he might want to say something to her, he's been kind of avoiding her for the last couple of months. Ever since that day. A lot of the details are still classified, including his role she thinks. She's tried to thank him, if he hadn't been there, she would probably be dead now, but whenever she tries he just changes the subject or asks her to watch him practice or help prank people, neither of which sound very fun. Not to mention, her parents don't seem to like him much. No one in the village does. But he doesn't really say anything. He just looks at her weirdly and then walks aimlessly toward the school building.
Before Sakura can think better of it, she finds herself calling back to him, "Naruto-kun, maybe if you're free tomorrow morning, you could maybe practice sparring with Ino and me?" Sakura isn't sure who looks more shocked at that, Ino or Naruto.
"You're supposed to get my permission before volunteering our private practice time to the actual dead last in our class," Ino whispers, but Sakura knows she doesn't really mind. If Ino looks upset, everything is probably fine, it's when she goes cold and silent that people have to worry.
Naruto freezes. He stops mid step and just looks back at them, looks back at her. "You really mean that," he says quietly. His face looks so openly hopeful that Sakura wonders if anyone has invited him to anything before. She's never really thought about it before.
"Yeah, tomorrow before school. Me and Ino have been practicing before class for the past month or two." He looks so happy that Sakura doesn't know what to do so she says probably the worst thing she possibly could. "Well, I mean you probably need the practice at least as much as we do."
Naruto's face closes down. "Are you just doing this to make fun of me? I'm going to be the best ninja ever. I'll be the Hokage one day, you'll see!"
As he turns away from them, Sakura moves to follow him, "I didn't mean it like that," she says. "I just meant that it makes sense for you and me to practice together because we both need to work hard to be good ninja." And it's true. They're two of the only kids without a clan helping them train at home. And she at least has Ino and Ino's dad helping her from time to time. Even from the first day they've had to learn all these moves that are just a review for everyone who grew up with ninja training.
Naruto has his arms crossed across his chest, hugging himself, but he doesn't move away when Sakura plants herself directly in front of him. "I want to practice with you," she says. "I think we can help each other, because both of us are learning this for the first time, so it'll be like studying. Except, sparring. I guess." It sounds pretty lame to her ears, but Naruto doesn't seem to mind. He looks like he's thinking it over at least
"I guess, I can see if I have time tomorrow," he says. Sakura grins and looks over at Ino, but Ino's attention is on the year one sparring field. It looks like most of the class is already there.
"Want to race to the practice field," she asks Naruto, not waiting for his answer as she runs across the yard. She beats him, but only by a few fractions of a second, and when she smirks triumphantly at him he pretends to scowl and mutters about cheating under his breath. But he looks happier than she's ever seen him before, and while she feels like she should have probably talked to him months ago, she's glad that she did today.
Iruka-sensei assigns them randomly to a partner. She winds up with Uchiha Sasuke. No matter how much she tries to pretend it should be just like sparring with Ino, it isn't. She can't focus at all. Uchiha Sasuke gets into an academy perfect ready position, arms raised and knees bent. Sakura mirrors him, but she feels disconnected from her body. She knows she's going to mess this up. She watches as he executes the sweep she and Ino have been practicing, but instead of dodging, she freezes. She can't move. She isn't in control of her body anymore. He is. Her heart beats frantically in her chest. She has to warn someone that he's back. She has to-,
She hits the ground. Hard. Feeling floods back into her limbs and she remembers where she is. This is the school yard. Iruka-sensei is watching her, a concerned look on her face, but he turns away once she starts to push herself up again. Uchiha Sasuke doesn't bother to offer her a hand up as he resets for the next round.
As the day wears on she finds herself feeling tired but also super alert, every movement catches her attention and she can't focus on her fight. Instead her attention catches on birds and villagers and her classmates. Which is dumb, she needs to just focus. She might not be good at fighting, but she knows these forms. She knows everything Uchiha-kun is using, but she can never act in time to do anything. She spends the next four hours being completely humiliated by the best student in her year, not even able to muster much more than a punch in retaliation. By the end she's covered in dirt and bruises she should have been able to prevent. She just wants to go home and beat up her pillow or cry, but she can't even do that, apparently as Iruka-sensei stops her as she's getting ready to leave.
"Haruno-chan," he says quietly. He's holding her shoulder and has bent down so he's talking to her on her level. She can tell this means it's time for another "serious talk." Grown ups have been doing this to her ever since she was released from the hospital. "We know what you're going through, Sakura-chan." "If you need anyone to talk to, come find me, Sakura-chan." "I'm worried about you, Sakura-chan."
"Your school work has been slipping a lot this year. I know you don't want to talk about what happened last semester, and that's fine. You're allowed to make decisions like that, after all, as an academy student, you're almost an adult. But I am worried about you." He pauses to let Sakura say something, but there's nothing to say. Sakura shifts her weight from foot to foot. She can see Ino waiting by the fence, holding both of their bags. "Sakura, I know you've always struggled with practical assignments, but in the past, you've at least tried the approved moves and counters. These past few months," he sighs and shakes his head. "I'm just worried that maybe being a ninja isn't the right path for you. And that's okay! Not everyone can be a ninja." He smiles at her as he says that, but it looks patronizing on his face. This isn't fair. Sakura can feel tears burning in her eyes and throat. She's one of the only kids from a civilian family, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have what it takes to do this. She's fought for everything she has and she's not about to give up now. "Many of the best people in this village are actually civilians, I think you should just consider—"
"I'm sorry, Iruka-sensei," Sakura forces out, "but I'm not interested in that. I am not going to drop out. I am going to become a ninja. I am going to become one of the best ninja this village has ever seen. I know I didn't do well today, but I have everything under control." That might be a little bit of an exaggeration. She's definitely been having trouble focusing in class, but that really only happens when she's had trouble sleeping the night before. And that only happens on really bad days. For the most part.
"Haruno-chan," he says, "I admire your determination, I really do, but it's not just sparring you're having trouble with. Your classwork is suffering too. You've slipped from the top of the class to near the bottom. I know you can do better, but first you're going to have to do something about your panic attacks. I can't recommend you to advance with the rest of your class if you can't even throw a punch in a friendly spar."
No. No, this can't be happening. Sakura won't let it happen. It can't. She can feel her breath coming faster, but it's not fear, it's anger. She isn't even thinking before she's opened her mouth. "No," she says, shaking her head, "I won't let you do this to me. You are not going to fail me over some stupid spar. I can do better than this!"
Iruka-sensei sighs again. "Alright, Haruno-chan, how about this. I'm going to write to a friend of mine who runs a self-defense class. We'll see if she can help you get over your fear of fighting and then neither of us will have to worry about this anymore. Okay?"
Sakura wants to laugh at him. She isn't afraid to fight, and his stupid classes definitely won't help. If practice was enough to fix her then she and Ino would have had that covered ages ago. But she also doesn't want to fail out of the academy, so she just nods her head and says "Okay, Iruka-sensei, that sounds good."