I always screw myself out of something good: Chapter 9

For the first time the only noises to be heard were of grasshoppers and crickets around in the yard in front of her. For Jo she needed this time to think. What was best for her moving forward? She came for closure from her marriage but all she felt was mixed signals. Alex was back tracking from his letter; he was showing regret which worked for Jo. But than Izzie made it clear she had no intention of keeping those kids from Alex had he decided to go back to Seattle. It hit Jo like a ton of bricks this was all Alex. He was the one who decided his new found family was more important than giving her a choice. That's the part Jo felt hung up on. She understood wanting to be there for his kids; he was a dad now. But he said he loved her yet it was so easy to toss her away. Sent that dreadful letter. It just rubbed Jo the wrong way.

Deep in her heart; she knew the answer. She wanted to give him the benefit to explain. She wasn't ready to shut the door especially if Alex wanted to take back what he'd done. Jo was probably being stupid when it came to Alex; she should be walking away yet here she was wanting to hear him out. Her eyes darted up to the stars across the sky. Her upper body leaned up against the railing letting her take a moment to think.

Elsewhere.. On Alex in the kitchen having picked up the last of the dishes. The kids were on in their room playing, drawing..etc.. Pausing at the table as he picked up the white napkin. Hearing the familiar voices belonging to his exs. He glanced over in the living room only to witness Jo heading for the front door. Was she leaving? His heart sank at the thought. Taking the material of the napkins he crossed over to the trash can where he tossed the napkins aside and stepped into the living room. " What did you say to her?" He asked almost accusingly to the blonde. Who only shot him an annoyed look.

" Nothing, maybe she's just realized the issue isn't me, its you. You messed this one up all on your own." Izzie hissed with a hair flip of her blonde locks as she passed crossing to the hall leading to the twins room. What? Alex was left feeling confused all on his own. He didn't care for his ex wife instead he crossed the threshold over to the front door pushing his way through only to pause at the door frame.

" Are you okay?" He asked wanting to ensure Jo was okay.

Of course eventually he would think to find her. Eyes blinking back the tears that dared to fall. Jo hated how caring he was towards even after that dreadful letter. Jo wanted to hate him so badly it made her sick to her stomach. But he loved her, he cared despite his own actions. Tilting her head back to let her eyes glance at him. In the small light it lit up his eyes to her. " No. I spent so much time hating Izzie for the situation. Angry that she kept those kids from you. You lost 5 years, the infant steps, the walking, everything and now you're such a great dad. I'm proud of you. But she's not the issue here. It's you. You chose to walk away; you could've told me and let me be apart of this life with you. But you didn't. You rather walk away from us than try to make it work. " By now Jo's voice had cracked. Her lips quivering as she tried to keep her tears in.

" I love you, I would've followed you anywhere Alex. I don't care about the kids, I care about the izzie of it all. Of you of it all. You can't say you love me and miss me yet it was so easy for you to toss me aside. Like I was trash. Like my parents. You promised to never leave but I guess the joke was on me for loving you. Because that's exactly what you did."

Palms wiped away the prickle of tears that now dared to flow down her dry cheeks. Wetness was felt as she whipped away the tears.

Guilt; Alex knew he couldn't blame Izzie, he decided to stick around for his kids, he decided to leave Jo and not even face her. The crowd move he made. And now seeing her in front of him, the hurt in her tone, followed by tears it torn at him. He closed his eyes taking to take his own barings. He was the ass who didn't stick around. Alex had broken a lot of promises or made mistakes in his lifetime but letting Jo down, and being seen as another guy who left her it made him feel like shit.

" Jo.. I'm sorry. I know I can't speak of how sorry I am but I am. At the time I felt i had to be the perfect parent, the glue that kept the family whole. I forced myself to love Izzie, I forced myself to turn my back on you. But I mean it when I say I love you I never stopped. I miss you. And seeing you I can't lie to you. You will always be home to me Jo. I love my kids but its you that's missing and I know I messed that up. But I'm trying to do what's right to make it right here."

Jo felt conflicted; she wanted to believe him, she wanted to see him. But the truth was Alex had hurt her in more ways than one. She wanted to believe him but what would it cost her. Tilting her head to the side to let her gaze meet his own. She felt the simper come to her lips. Her hands still gripping the sides of the railing to let herself speak to him.

" Then why? Why did you not give me a choice? I don't care about the kids part of the lie but izzie? If this is how you feel why? Didn't you just be honest with me? " Pausing for a second her eyes glanced up to corner the male in this second. She held herself together right now without letting her lips quiver. " I would've followed you anywhere had you told me."

And that was the sad part; that Jo would've suppportived him, would've been there for him if needed. She loved Alex so much she only wanted to be included.

Trust was broken; Alex was aware of his faults. He shouldn't of up and left without a trace. He understood where his ex was coming from. He couldn't begin to apologize for his actions but he was trying. Nodding slowly he exhaled a small sigh leaving his lips.

" Jo.. I guess I didn't want to burden you with having to be stuck with Izzie. I knew deep down you wouldn't of cared that I now had kids with Izzie. I know what you would've done, I know you would've understood and wanted to come and be a part of this chapter of my life. I put it in my head I needed to give my kids what I didn't a stable home. Parents who loved him unconditionally. But I've come to realize a family isn't having the perfect parents or having both in your life. It's the love they show you. I know now I am a great dad who loves them unconditionally, and I can love you unconditionally and we could work it out together. I'm sorry I took the option from you. I messed up. But you have to know it was never you."

Alex made mistakes in life, but his greatest one was standing in front of him. Resting his arms folded over the other on the railing besides her own. He waited.. He needed Jo in his life even if it meant as a friend.

" You're such an idiot you know that. You were the only real family I've ever had. You left abandoned me for your kids. And trust me I've tried so hard to hate you. But I don't because I know how you love and how loyal you are. I just wish your family included me. I could put up with Izzie. I'm much stronger than you may think." Using her arm to jab him in the side with a bit more force than intended but oh well.

Talk; it was the first step; one neither realized they needed. If this was closure fine, but were either ready to shut the door on their relationship?

Exhaling a single breath one he didn't realize he was holding. He knew Jo she never held back in telling him how she felt. Forcing his eyes to face her; she was a sight. Her brunette locks hanging onto her shoulders, her beautiful brown eyes. He caught his breath especially in the moon light.

" Jo.. I wanted nothing more than for us to be a family. I love you, I'll always love you. After everything you've been through Jo you're the strongest person I know. But this wasn't about me or you. It was about those kids in there. I lost 5 years of raising them. I know what its like not to have a parent. I never want them to feel I left them. I knew you would follow me if you knew. But i would never ask it of you. I love you enough to let you go. As much as I want you.. Us I know we can't. My kids will always come first. I don't want to let you go but I have to."

He felt for a lost; he loved Jo but nothing had changed. He had to be in Kansas and Jo had to be a kickass surgeon in Seattle. Maybe in time their paths would cross again but for the first time Alex saw fate wasn't on their side. The sadness shown in his eyes he forced his eyes to more to the farm in front of him. The sight of the horses now in the shed.

Truth; its what Jo came for. But now she felt the ache in her chest, she understood but it felt hard to accept this as closure. Eyes casted down on the green sheds of grass she whispered the few words that broke not one but two hearts that night.

" I guess this is goodbye.."