So last night I was spending the night at my aunt's house and she has no internet so I didn't have the chance to update yesterday! But the next time it'll be the 15th!

Chapter Nineteen – Old Fetishes Die Hard

I fell over, my chest rising and falling as I panted heavily. Edward breathing was equally hard her he grabbed my hand and brought it up to his mouth kissing the back of it.

"That was incredible."

I rolled onto his chest, "Not amazing?" I giggled.

"Incredible is better than amazing isn't it?" He said.

"Yes, and it was incredible," I smiled, leaning up and pecking him on the lips.

"So, you seem to like that one thing I did," he said.

"What one thing?"

"When I grabbed your wrists and held them above your head. I started to stop but then you yelled out, 'Oh don't stop, don't stop, Edward,'" he chuckled.

I playfully smacked his chest, "Shut up," I laughed.

"No, I'm serious. Did you like that? Or were you just stroking my ego?"

I blushed, "We don't have to analyze our sex right now do we?"

"No, I'm just curious."

I sat up, "Why?"

He shifted underneath me, "Well, I'm just curious about, you know, your old fetish. If maybe you're still kind of into it."

"I'm not." I said seriously, all playfulness gone.

"I'm not trying to make you mad, I'm just saying." He said.

"Well, I'm not into that anymore. You know that."

"I know. I know." He said.

"I'm not," I said firmly.

"Alright, who are you trying to convince?" He sighed.

"I just want you to know that I'm not into that lifestyle. I got burned once and I won't let it happen to me again." I snapped as I stood.

"I know that, what are you trying to say? I wouldn't screw you over." He crossed his arms, eyes narrowing.

"I'm not saying you would."

"Sure, sounds like it. Do you honestly think that if we did anything like that, that I would hurt you like they did?" He demanded.

"No, I don't but I just need to protect myself."

"From what? S'not like I'm going to hurt you or let anyone else hurt you."

"So, you can protect me from everything and everyone?"

"Yeah, I'll try my hardest."

"Ugh!" I jerked my shirt on, "I'm sleeping on the couch."

"No, I'm sleeping on the couch!" He said as he jerked his pillow off the bed, "You sleep in here and cool off. When you're done being pissed about whatever come find me."

"I'm not into BDSM anymore. Sorry that you weren't hurt like I was!" I snapped.

"Why are you trying so damn hard to convince yourself that you're not into it anymore? I believe you, you're not into it, but it seems like you still are. Keep trying to convince yourself that you're not."

"Ugh!" I snarled, "Get out! Just get out!"

I slammed the bedroom door behind him, growling and cursing. After a few minutes of deep breathing, I grabbed my cellphone and dialed Emily's number.

"Hello?"

"Hi Emily, it's Bella."

"Bella are you okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I sighed, "It's just that Edward and I got into a fight and I needed to talk to someone. Do you think I could schedule an appointment in the morning please?"

"Of course, I have an opening at 11:00 tomorrow morning. Come right on in."

"Thank you."

"Until then just keep calm, breathe, and try your best not to yell when you two talk. I'm not telling you to ignore him, but please don't escalate the situation. Be calm."

"I will. I'll see you tomorrow."

After I hung up the phone, I placed it on the nightstand and tried to go to sleep. It was hard, though. I couldn't stop thinking about the fight Edward and I had. I tossed and turned all night.

In the morning, Edward was gone. I knew he had to work but I was still grateful he wasn't there. I didn't feel like seeing him. I was still angry.

I waited impatiently for my appointment with Emily. I was dying to talk to someone. I would call Alice, but she didn't know about the BDSM stuff. It would be to embarrassing to relay all the details to her.

I took a long shower then headed to Emily's office. I knew I was a little early, but hopefully Emily wasn't to busy.

I sat in the waiting room, bouncing my knee impatiently. Emily had another client before me, so I had no choice but to sit and wait. It sucked.

Finally, she called me back. I nearly jumped out of my seat into her office.

"Bella, you were here early."

"Yeah, I really need to talk." I sighed as I thumped into the chair.

"Alright, let's talk. What's going on?"

"Edward and I got into a fight. Our first actual fight." I said.

"How do you feel about that?"

I shook my head, "I feel a lot of things. Angry. Annoyed. Confused. Right. But he's the one who won't listen."

"Would you mind if I asked what the fight was about?"

I looked down and blushed, "Well, Edward and I have taken our relationship to the next level. And it's been great. But, he brought up the topic of BDSM. He thinks I'm still into that but I'm not."

She nodded, "Why does he think you're still into it."

I looked up at her with a blush. She nodded her head in understanding.

"Ah, okay. So, I'm guessing the sex is somewhat rough, but pleasurable. There's nothing wrong with that."

"The sex is great," I said, "But, I don't want him thinking that I'm still into BDSM. I'm really not into it."

"Well, does Edward understand that? Or is he pushing for you?"

"No. He's not pushing me. And I think he understands but, when we were arguing, he said that I was trying to convince myself. But, I know I'm not into it."

She nodded, "But, is there a little part of you that is?"

"No!"

"Bella, this is an open place. You can be honest here." She said; Emily was good at picking up lies.

I sighed, "I'm not. I don't know. I really don't. I'm afraid."

"It's okay to be scared. You were hurt once, diving back into something that hurt you is hard and it's bold. But, something tells me there is a little more to this."

I nodded, "I-I'm scared… that Edward will get bored with me because he doesn't get to do it the way he likes. I mean, he owns nightclubs that cater to people who are into this lifestyle. How can he be with someone, who's absolutely petrified of his fetish?"

She nodded, "That's actually a pretty common fear. Not everyone is into the same fetish. It's understandable. And, from what I know of Edward, he is understanding. He knows your past. He's been a big influencer for you. But, that's not to say that you owe him anything. You're not obligated to stay, if you feel pressured into something you're afraid of."

"I don't feel pressure from him, I really don't," I said, "But at some point, he'll become bored with the same old sex, I know he will."

She nodded, "Bella, you know sometimes fetishes don't go away. And it's okay to still be interested in the lifestyle. When you two talk about this stuff, do you feel like you're going to have a panic attack?"

"No."

She smiled, "That is really great to hear Bella. You haven't had a panic attack in a long time and I think it means you're truly starting to heal. But, maybe the reason you are frightened of this is because you are still somewhat interested in the lifestyle. And, do you trust Edward?"

"I do."

"Well, maybe you two could take baby steps if you are ready. I don't ever want you to do anything you don't want to or are not comfortable with. Bella is there some part of you that is still interested in BDSM?"

I felt tears overspill and I bit the inside of my cheek.

"There is… but, I'm s-so… I'm scared." I said in a familiar, broken voice.

She grabbed a tissue from the box and handed it to me.

"You were hurt. It's okay to be scared."

"I just… I don't want to get hurt anymore."

"Of course," her voice was soft, "and if you're careful, you won't get hurt. Do you want to try things with Edward?"

I nodded, "I do, but, what if… what if I have a panic attack and scare him? What if it sets me back a million steps? What if Edward hurts me?" The last sentence came out in a squeaky whimper.
"Bella, how about this, you and Edward both come speak to me about this. This is a safe space and here you seem to have an easier time talking about things. I can be a mediator and we can set up a plan. But, only if you're comfortable with that."

I took a deep but shaky breath, "I would like that…"

"You don't sound so sure."

I looked towards the cabinet, nibbling my lip.

"I'm just so terrified that if we talk about this stuff and I'm not okay with any of it, Edward won't want me." I sobbed.

"Okay, slow down," she said, "Firstly, if you and Edward don't work out in the long run that isn't something to have a massive set back over. It'll be alright, we can work on some 'ifs,' at a later time. And I promise you, we can work through this. Why don't you and Edward come back, and we can work through this together. Let's problem solve."

I nodded, "Okay. I'll talk to him and see if he wants to talk about this stuff."

Edward and Bella's first fight! Hopefully they can get through it!